lolz kizzsing onlinez?

September 12, 2009 7:10 AM

Is it wise to kiss at the end of the first internet date?

Long discussion of my dating history redacted.

Basically I've thought about the first internet date as just getting to know someone in real life, and seeing if the interesting things about them online transfer into the possibility for romance. I think keeping things relatively cool gives the other person a chance to get to know me and vice versa. If things were truly sparking the entire evening I would definitely contemplate a kiss, but if the person seemed interested but cautious, I've always thought that it would be better to give a hug and say I had a nice time and then get in touch the next day.

But reading another question here, I'm re-evaluating. Maybe am I missing a chance to generate some excitement?

Let's say, for the purposes of the question, that I'm a reasonable to slightly above average kisser.

The reason I've developed this no kissing protocol was a date I went on a couple of years ago with a woman I really liked. She drove me home and we kissed in the car a bit. Later on she emailed me to say she didn't want to hang out again because she was uncomfortable with the fact that she'd kissed someone she'd only met a few hours before. I definitely handle non-internet first dates differently, but I sort of saw her point.

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

As far as I'm concerned, an internet first-date is still a first-date. In my own internet-dating, my kissing-pattern hasn't been particularly different from my non-internet first-dating kissing-pattern, and in fact every one of those dates that's gone well ("well" being defined here as "went on at least two more dates") ended with a kiss.

The short answer is: Don't overthink this plate of beans, if you feel the kiss, go for it; the fact that you met online instead of at a party some place doesn't change things that much.
posted by Tomorrowful at 7:17 AM on September 12 [1 favorite]

Agree with Tomorrowful... a first date is a first date is a first date -- it's irrelevant how you met (the exception being of course if you had a pre-existing friendship with someone that you are now converting into something romantic)... if you feel it, go for it, but don't be hung up on it as something that you have to do, or have to avoid. Context is, as always, key.
posted by modernnomad at 7:28 AM on September 12

If the date goes well, if there is any chemistry, there is at least a kiss. If the date goes really well, then there is probably a kiss well before the end of the date.

But that is just me. YMMV
posted by I love You at 7:39 AM on September 12 [1 favorite]

Later on she emailed me to say she didn't want to hang out again because she was uncomfortable with the fact that she'd kissed someone she'd only met a few hours before.

It's an easy thing to try to draw some sort of conclusions from individual people's commentary on why they say they don't want to date you again, but I don't think it's a great thing to do. That is, if a lot of people tell you "gee you dress sort of shabby" then it might be a good dea to spiff up your act if you like dating that sort of person. But, one person's fidgetiness about either one date or the potential of future dates should not be overgeneralized without some reality checking/conformation by other people [AskMe can be okay for this, though it does tend towards certain conclusions on occasion].

I think smart geeky people tend to do this a lot -- look at the data, draw conclusions -- and while it's an okay idea dealing with aggregate data, maybe, it's not a great idea in these sorts of situations. You've now created a test case based on someone who doesn't want to date you.

So to your actual question, I don't think kissing after the first date is a bad thing, I don't think not-kissing is a bad thing either. I think this is true whether it's an internet date or not. Heck if I found that I had chemistry with someone after a single date, I'd invite them home with me. That's just my general approach, yours may vary. And I guess, given your example, if that girl felt weird about kissing you after a first date, why did she do it? Takes two to tango and all that. Also, it doesn't matter how you kiss, what matters is how you kiss the person you want to kiss.

I'd pay more attention to how you feel about the particular person you are with, and less worrying about protocol outside of normal general politeness and etc. Have fun!
posted by jessamyn at 8:38 AM on September 12 [4 favorites]

If there's chemistry, there's going to be a kiss. Anything else is overthinking it.
posted by musofire at 8:38 AM on September 12

Later on she emailed me to say she didn't want to hang out again because she was uncomfortable with the fact that she'd kissed someone she'd only met a few hours before.


I have no idea what that even means, but it seems to be an exceptionally weird permutation of "it's not you, it's me." She's just trying to blow you off, which happens to everyone, and she chose this phrase to do so.

The thing about online dating is you will have to deal with a lot of flakes and weirdos. Maybe you'll meet someone good, in which case, kiss away! Just don't let the weird ones get in your head and affect your behavior with normal people.
posted by drjimmy11 at 9:00 AM on September 12 [2 favorites]

The important thing is to stop thinking of it as "an internet date." That is not going to be helpful. It's just a date. I think some kissing is a pretty important part of a first date if it went well.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:20 AM on September 12

Oh, and that I mean a date is a date, and if you feel like there's some chemistry - go for it! But don't force it because it's an "internet date".
posted by smartypantz at 9:56 AM on September 12

Already-met-date, internet-date, just-met-you-and-this-isn't-even-a-date, doesn't matter. If you're clicking and you get a sense that the other person wants to kiss, then kiss.
posted by 23skidoo at 10:32 AM on September 12

The only difference with the Internet date is you don't know going into it whether you have chemistry or not. If you find during the date that you do, kiss away.

I like to get that out of the way as soon as I'm confident it'll go well. Otherwise I risk overthinking it.
posted by lackutrol at 11:19 AM on September 12

I think it depends on the amount of experience someone has had. Someone who dated a lot probably wouldn't think of kissing. Me, I didn't date much before marriage, and so usually wanted to wait to kiss until third or fourth date - but would give in if the other person sought kissing earlier - however, I found it overwhelming and too intimate. I don't know if the person I was kissing ever realised this - signals are notoriously hard to read. But I sometimes reacted like your previous date did: by just cutting off contact if it happened.

I would leave it up to the other person - or, at most, peck them on the cheek or lips (and by peck, I mean a light, lips closed peck one might give a relative), and see how they react/what they do. If they are too shy/inexperienced to initiate more, then they might be overwhelmed by doing much more then, but still interested in going slowly.

Chemistry is great - but you can let it simmer and enjoy the anticipation. If you overwhelm someone, that can actually ruin what had been good chemistry. Whereas delaying, so long as you continue to be explicit about your desire to see them again and spend more time together, has no drawbacks.

(note: I didn't refer to gender in this comment, because it doesn't matter. What matters most is the other person's expectations and inexperience.)
posted by jb at 12:35 PM on September 12

Kiss
posted by Ironmouth at 1:00 PM on September 12 [1 favorite]

I disagree regarding waiting having no drawbacks. If I'm interested in someone, I'm sufficiently blind that I can't tell if they reciprocate until they do something obvious (like try to kiss me). If they don't try anything, I generally assume they aren't really interested/there is no chemistry/etc.

So the drawback to waiting is that the object of your affections doesn't realize you're interested, and thus doesn't consider you a possibility.
posted by nat at 1:12 PM on September 12

Waiting in my opinion is a bad idea. It's a waste of time and dates that could be spent with someone you do have chemistry with. I feel like since there's already been talking and emotional exchanges before you meet someone from the internet, if there is chemistry there is no reason not to kiss.
posted by mattsweaters at 1:57 PM on September 12

she was uncomfortable with the fact that she'd kissed someone she'd only met a few hours before.

Don't let the hangups of one anxious freak keep you from going with the flow.
posted by hermitosis at 2:21 PM on September 12 [1 favorite]

watch Annie Hall
posted by K.P. at 3:09 PM on September 12

was uncomfortable with the fact that she'd kissed someone she'd only met a few hours before

Personally, I've found that if it's not sufficiently groovy for kissing on the first date, it's probably not going anywhere anyway. In this situation, I would be relieved to have avoided a second date with someone way too uptight for me to be involved with anyway.
posted by little e at 4:10 PM on September 12 [1 favorite]

My boyfriend and I met on the Internet and met in-person at a tea house. At the end of the date, we shook hands and he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. But it was also the best first date in the history of first dates. I would have been disappointed if there was no kiss, but I still would have gone out with him again.

The woman who regretted the kiss should have been more true to her feelings at the time.

Just don't over think it. Just feel. Just do.

On a slightly different note, don't hug at the end of a first date if you don't think you'll ever see her again. I always found this weird.
posted by soupy at 6:14 PM on September 12

If a guy gave me a polite hug and said he'd had a nice time and call me, I'd probably read that more as a lack of interest on his part.

If it's meant, it's meant. Give into the chemistry if it exists, and mind what you communicate and what signals the women are sending too.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:06 AM on September 13

This xkcd may serve as a useful data point.
posted by Zozo at 3:15 PM on September 13

If it's just a quick "meet in a public place to make sure we're both real and not psycho and look like our online pictures and still want to proceed" date, then no.

If it's a real date (spend at least some time relatively alone together) then yes if you're into her and she seems into you.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:32 PM on September 14