When do I confront the cheater?

September 12, 2009 7:10 AM

My husband is cheating on me. I am paralyzed with fear. I need advice for our unique and complicated situation.

It is incredibly complicated, so I will try to keep this simple. I have suspected for a while, things have felt different and there have been odd signs, and this morning I confirmed it. We both work for the same company and have the exact same company-issued blackberrys. I picked his up thinking it was mine and in a split second before even realizing it, I saw something that made my eyes pop open. And yes, then I proceeded to thoroughly go through his blackberry and there is absolutely no doubt that he is carrying on with someone.

I'm frozen in how to proceed. I would confront him this minute, except: He has surgery scheduled for Tuesday. I'm not inhuman. I want to wait until after the surgery, but how do I hold onto this for that long? I can't think about anything else. We are having 20 people to our house tonight to celebrate my 40th birthday. How do I smile through it all?

We work for the same company. The idea that this is going to inevitably bleed into my professional life is terrifying me.

I'm in the middle of preparing my dissertation proposal for committee defense in December. I need to focus on that as well.

I'm not even allowing myself to feel the broken heart part of this yet. I'm just numb, and I don't know what to do regarding confronting him and when.

posted by anonymous to human relations (49 comments total)

I would talk with him right now. It's not inhuman; he has put you in a terrible position.
posted by Houstonian at 7:22 AM on September 12 [33 favorites]

I agree with houstonian. You are under no obligation to make this easier for him. inform him that you know. Let him host his own damn birthday party. you have a right to be angry at him. You can be discreet as you like for work, but if i were you I'd skip the party, grab a friend and get out of Dodge.
posted by Sara Anne at 7:30 AM on September 12

Thirding talking to him now. You can cancel or delay your birthday party (if I were in your situation, the idea of potentially melting down in front of 20 of my closest friends would be worse than claiming stomach flu or food poisoning and calling off the party).

I am so sorry that this is happening to you, and that you've found out on a milestone birthday. As for your husband's surgery, Houstonian is right - he put you in this position.
posted by pammeke at 7:35 AM on September 12 [5 favorites]

I am very sorry that this is happening to you. You'll need to make a decision about whether this is a dealbreaker for you [for many people it is, for you it may not be] and then figure out what you'd like to do about it. It's difficult because this should, at least at first, be a decision that only you make. You can work out the details with him later. This is difficult for people who are married and have always made decisions with their partners. At this point while you may want to be decent, you're not obligated to be polite to him by etiquette or whatever. You can do what you feel is best.

If it were me, I think it would be a quick discussion "I know about your other relationship, I want you out of this house by next weekend. I'm staying with my friend until then. We can talk either on Monday or after you get out of surgery. Please be scarce around me at work. I'd like you to not come to my birthday party. I'm very hurt by this." You can deal with the logistical stuff that this will involve over the next week or so and you'll have time for broken heart stuff later.

If you do decide to go the counseling/save the marriage route, you can still call the shots and have him stay somewhere else while you are working this out, or you can stay somewhere else. Often people who are confronted with cheating can take the sort of irritating "Oh yeah well YOU DID THIS" route, so be prepared for the discussion to possibly sting and boggle your mind. You don't need to keep his secret, you don't need to act tough at work or at your party, you can be honest and you and he can both deal with the repercussions on what has happened as individuals. Again, I'm terribly sorry about this.
posted by jessamyn at 7:42 AM on September 12 [31 favorites]

I second telling him now. He put you in the situation, not the other way around. Is there any way you can have your birthday party without him there? I understand you might not want to tell everyone right away, but could you claim minor complications from the surgery/general tiredness/suddenly called out of town? It might be good to connect with your social support without him around to worry you. I wish you all the best.

Also, here at Metafilter people will eventually get on your case about looking through his Blackberry, but don't listen to them, you did the right thing.
posted by fermezporte at 7:44 AM on September 12 [8 favorites]

Confront him and remember it's no ones business if you choose to stay with him. Or if you don't.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 7:45 AM on September 12

Talk to him now. You aren't inhuman. He made the mess, he gets to deal with it.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:47 AM on September 12 [4 favorites]

Are we talking knee surgery or open heart surgery? If its a serious surgery I would actually consider waiting to tell him. I mean, yeah you *could* tell him now and it is his fault...but if its a very serious surgery it might be worth it to wait.
posted by ian1977 at 7:56 AM on September 12

Cancel the birthday party. Tell people you've come down with the flu and leave it at that. If work people are invited to the party, this will give more credibility to you taking some days off this week if need be.

Talk to him about it, now. You deserve to let the emotions out.

Find a counselor for you to talk to, alone. Regardless of what happens between you and him in the future, you have suffered a traumatic situation, and the sooner you can start figuring out healthy coping strategies, the better.

Do you have a good friend you can stay with tonight?
posted by sickinthehead at 7:58 AM on September 12 [8 favorites]

I think you should confront him now for the reasons the others stated.

You sound like you really not to talk this out. So, if you have a trustworthy friend who is not connected to your job or your husband, I think you should consider confiding in them.

If you can, you should try to get copies of the incriminating evidence from his blackberry. If you do decide to leave him over this, the copies will be very useful in the divorce.
posted by nooneyouknow at 8:01 AM on September 12

I am against just blurting it out.

first you need to decide what you want next. do you wish to carry on this relationship given certain conditions are met or is your inclination to end it? what do you think will he do? only after you have at least three to five questions and possible answers of this conversation considered should you approach him.

I applaud you on postponing this confrontation until his surgery has taken place. you are not required to do so but it is nice and dignified of you. you are not careless in the way he is towards you. that approach of behaving how you wished he would behave is a moral high-ground you should stay on. it will make a difference for how you feel about it later yourself.

I think an affair being carried out by one partner shows that person isn't happy in this relationship. perhaps you aren't either. the critical question is not how could you do this to me, that's a no-win proposition, but why did you do this and do we have any hopes of getting the spark back or should we call this quits? the answer depends on him just as much as on you. he will have to accept he did you wrong and you will have to forgive, both of which are hard. egos are the biggest problem here.

in conclusion: I'd make up my mind as to what I wanted, then drop a simple line like look, I know about the affair. let's discuss this later and then wait to see what the reaction is.

finally, in spite of it not being a great time for you: happy birthday.
posted by krautland at 8:02 AM on September 12 [17 favorites]

[comment deleted - keep the snooping siderail out of here, go to MeTa if you need to]
posted by jessamyn at 8:14 AM on September 12

I don't know how you deal with these things, but if it were me, I would not cancel the party due to a fake flu and would NOT take days off work because when I am hurt and brokenhearted the last thing I need is time alone and full days alone, because all I will do is think about it all and picture it all in my mind. Preparing for the party and spending that time with friends and family and going to work would help distract me, and I would need that. Again, that all depends on you. Or I would cancel the big party and just have 1 or 2 close friends come over, if possible, and talk to them about the whole situation, especially if you don't know how you want to proceeed with the marriage and living situation, you need to figure that out, not necessarily before you confront him, but sometime soon so you have some kind of plan of action in the next few days.

I would confront him tonight before the party or before you talk with your friends, just so he isn't around for either. I wouldn't worry about the surgery - he has 3 days to get over the initial shock of you knowing, he should be able to deal with the consequences of his actions.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 8:20 AM on September 12 [2 favorites]

Do not confront him unless you know what you want to do. If you want to get out of this as the winner, document everything and call a wolverine of a divorce lawyer. If you want to let him get away with everything, by all means, talk to him about it first. I'm sorry this is happening. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 8:22 AM on September 12 [10 favorites]

Cancel the birthday party with whatever excuse suits you as, if you hold it, everyone in the room will know there's something going on and you might want some space to breathe before you let anyone else know. The last thing you need is a melt down in public.

As satisfying as having it out with him right now might be, I agree: gather evidence just in case (you don't have to use it.) I have no idea how to copy what's on his Blackberry, but, could you just keep it? Do whatever you have to to clear your head and really think about your future and what YOU want. What he wants is irrelevant at this point.

Go somewhere you can get a bit of peace to think, even if it's the neighbourhood park. Decide whether you're going to toss him and his post surgical care over to the gf or whether you can forgive/forget/get on with it. I like what Gov Sanford's wife did: toss him out, then move out with the kids, all the while keeping her cool. That's a very hard thing to do, and we'll never know what she said to him in private, but I'm betting it was savage. I think the ball is in his court to apologize/make amends/find the marriage counsellor or leave. And, know that if you discuss this at work, you will be the hot topic for the next month or more. If he decides to tell all, just let it go; don't explain, don't defend, just let it go. He'll look petty and vindictive and your image will stay clean.

And, btw, Happy Birthday! Sorry about the early 'present' your DH gave you. I sure hope you get something much nicer later on.
posted by x46 at 8:36 AM on September 12

I'm so sorry. Tell him as soon as you copy everything you found in the Blackberry! Do this immediately.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:38 AM on September 12 [12 favorites]

(I know I sound cold, but along with all of the great advice above, keep a cool head because you'll have to be strategic as a precaution.)
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 8:41 AM on September 12

Talk to an attorney and a good friend in whom you can confide first. As long as the person with whom he is having the affair is not at the party, do not bring it up or cancel. Have a plan before you confront. Know what you hoped for outcome is. Know how you are going to handle it in terms of living arrangements, job, bank accounts, etc. I stand with Krautland with respect to the surgery. Be the bigger person and wait.

Good luck. May you have the wisdom to know what you want and the patience to get it.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:46 AM on September 12

First and foremost: I'm so sorry.

Next, as other people have said before, document, document, document--if your husband has been willing to have an affair behind your back, he clearly isn't putting your best interests first, so it's your job to make sure they're protected. This means having evidence of the affair in case you decide to pursue divorce.

Once you have the documentation, I think THEN you can confront him. It doesn't need to be a knock-down, drag-out drama-fest. Echoing previous posters, it can just be a simple heads-up that you know, and that you want him out (if, in fact, you do).

Finally, I think the very most important #1 thing is to be gentle with yourself and take very good care of yourself right now. It's your birthday--do you actually want to go through with the party? If not, don't. Plenty of good excuses have been cited, and I'm nthing the suggestion that maybe skipping town for the weekend with a close friend might not be a bad idea. Go somewhere relaxing, confide in someone, get some much-needed support, and get a clear head as to how you want to proceed, away from drama with your husband. Turn off your phone for the entire weekend if you need to. Just take care of you.

Good luck.

(This is clearly not legal advice, and I am not your lawyer.)
posted by sarabeth at 8:48 AM on September 12 [2 favorites]

Also, on preview, agreeing with JohnnyGunn: This is the perfect time to consult with an attorney and get his/her opinion regarding your options and how best to protect yourself, even if you do decide to try to fix your marriage later on.
posted by sarabeth at 8:49 AM on September 12

I am of the opinion that taking a few days to measure your reaction to this revelation will make your discussions all the better. I would take the time to decide whether you can move forward with the marriage. Even if you decide to give it a try it would be wise to contact a divorce attorney to get some advice on early things to do, like documenting the bad behavior and documenting your assets, before you even tell your husband that you know. As for documenting what was in the blackberry without him knowing if you forward the emails or anything I think it will leave a record on his work email account even if you delete the forwarding records from his blackberry, depending upon how he has deletions set up and even then I am not sure. You might want to just take pictures of the screen.

You are going to need a friend to help you through this, a confidant that you can turn to when things get emotionally difficult, someone with whom you can be brutally honest about your feelings. That person may well be attending your party. To avoid breaking down at the party I would hold off telling them until the party is over.

There are no right answers here. If you decide to cancel the party and have it out with him today that is fine too. If you are not the type who is able to hold their emotions in for days while pondering something this painful then the sooner you start expressing them the better, party and surgery be damned.

Whatever you do I wish you all the best.
posted by caddis at 9:21 AM on September 12

Act quickly, but don't rush. Determine what outcome you want. Do you want to try to work it out, or do you want him to leave? Think about this very carefully, about what is best for you. Weigh whether it is better for you to confront him right away and risk his being able to defend himself more ably in divorce proceedings (if that's what you want), or if it is better for you to take a deep breath, gather evidence, consult a lawyer, and build your case before confronting him.

Does he expect you to care for him as he convalesces from surgery? That is one way his surgery might complicate things.

You do not need to worry about hurting him right now (though I can certainly understand your impulse to try not to hurt him). This is one of those times where it is okay (and more than okay: it is right) to take care of yourself first. You need to do what is best for you.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:00 AM on September 12

I'm so sorry.

Nthing forwarding everything from his blackberry to your email account, and then confront him immediately. I don't think this is a situation where you need to be *compassionate* and wait until after the surgery.

And everything Jessamyn said.

Again, I'm so sorry.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:16 AM on September 12

We are having 20 people to our house tonight to celebrate my 40th birthday.

There's a difference between maintaining privacy during a personal crisis and pretending to have a good time for others' sake. You do not need to do the latter on your birthday.

If you want those 20 people to come over and celebrate you--if that distraction would be good for you, then that's fine. But if you'll be suffering through the evening, trying to fake like you're enjoying the party? Cancel. Cite illness or work stress or a catering fiasco or "family issues." Or say you have to reschedule. Pick one guest you trust--you don't need to say anything about the affair, just that you need to cancel the party and you need help telling people--and give that person the guest list and ask him/her to make the calls to the other guests.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:25 AM on September 12 [1 favorite]

I really recommend that you cancel the party. Meg_Murry's suggestion above, that you have a friend make the calls, is a good one. Having been in a similar situation (severe marital stress while hosting a big party) I can tell you that this will not be good for your mental health - the juxtaposition of how you think you ought to feel with how you really feel can make the event truly awful, and it won't help you make the big decisions that you need to make with a clear head. As for holding off on talking to your husband until after his surgery - don't bother - you really need to take care of yourself right now - and he truly did make his bed.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 10:39 AM on September 12

I'm also so sorry that what should have been a good day has started so terribly. There are good suggestions above for both the cancel the party route and the get him out of the house and distract yourself with the party route, and which of those you choose I think should be a matter of what will make you most comfortable. I would say, though, that I would go ahead and confront him as soon as you feel up to it. If he's handling deceiving you before going into surgery, he can handle being found out. That sounds callous, I suppose, but what I mean is that I would guess he's already having some kind of emotional turmoil about the whole thing (or should be), and confronting him will just produce a different kind of turmoil.

I don't have any legal advice or anything, but if you're having trouble making up your mind, I would try just pretending to make one decision and sitting with it for awhile, and then pretending to make the other and sitting with that, and seeing which one makes you feel more okay in the world. In the meantime, hang in there.
posted by newrambler at 10:44 AM on September 12

I really think whether you confront him now depends heavily on what kind of surgery, etc, he is going in for. If he's having his appendix out or his wisdom teeth extracted or something similarly minor then by all means; he has, after all, put you in a difficult position as others have said.

If the guy is going in for open heart surgery or to have cancerous tumors removed from his brain than it would, in fact, be inhuman to confront him immediately before. The added stress could quite literally kill him. Cheating on your spouse is a very bad thing but it shouldn't be a capital crime.

So it depends on what exactly his health issues are. We don't have enough information.
posted by Justinian at 10:54 AM on September 12

Decide what you ultimately want to do before talking to him.
If that answer is "divorce" then talk to a lawyer first, just to get all your ducks in a row.

If you do want to work things out talk to him and DEMAND couples counseling. No matter what you decide getting someone to talk to solo would be a wise move, too.

Also, get STD tests as soon as you can. If you are trying to work things out insist he gets them as well. Now, and again in three months, just to be safe. Use condoms should you be intimate with him before that point. Living apart for a while may help too, even if you do decide you want to try and save the marriage. Your own space to heal is always good. Living with him while the wound is fresh will not help you, and it really won't help your dissertation.

And don't feel like either of these is the "right" answer. I'm sure the "marriage is sacred!" brigade will show up eventually and say you have a moral obligation to make things work out. And we may get the "once a cheater, always a cheater" folks, too. Both are bullshit. You have to decide what is right for you and your marriage. Only you know what will work. If you find at the end of the day you still love him he feels awful then maybe you can make it work. If you want to kill him and he's just mad you found out, then be glad it was now and not after he got someone else pregnant or passed a disease on to you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there, and wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. Stay strong, and take care of yourself.
posted by Kellydamnit at 11:00 AM on September 12 [2 favorites]

I'm going to chime in one more time here--sorry if I'm overposting. Even if you decide that you don't want to divorce him right now, and would prefer to work on your marriage, I would still advise on the side of collecting your evidence of his infidelity before confronting him, and having a lawyer on speed-dial. The reason I say this is that even if you decide you want to stay married, he might not--especially if his cover is blown. A man who's having an affair is not a man who seems committed to being married. The man already has one foot out the door. God forbid you confront him, he files for divorce first, and all evidence of his wrong-doing has already been erased, wiping out any leverage or protection that you might have otherwise had in what could turn out to be ugly proceedings initiated by someone who clearly is not looking out for you or trying to be good to you. You could end up a victim in this situation. Please, please, please protect yourself now. Just in case. I have seen too many women taken to the cleaners in these situations, which only compounds the heartbreak inherent in being cheated on by the one you love.

(Again, I'm not a lawyer, etc. Rant over.)
posted by sarabeth at 11:15 AM on September 12 [6 favorites]

When a human's health is truly an issue, it makes a real difference. Normally you would immediately confront. Here you wait until the doctor says its ok. I do mean this: tell the doctor and ask him or her what to do. Tell them that you just discovered he was cheating on you and that you want him to recover first before you tell him. You are doing this to save his health only.

Tell your friends too. Telling helps in this situation. Have all of them prepared. It makes you feel better because your people will be behind you. When he is ready, tell him and then make your own life away from him.


I speak from personal experience.

One final thing: it is not your fault.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:19 AM on September 12 [1 favorite]

Yes, if you decide to divorce (or even if you don't) make sure you know where all your money is, that you have enough to live on outside of joint accounts that he can drain, statements for all of the accounts, everything you need.

And talk to a lawyer.

Instead of just canceling the party, I would ask a few trusted friends to spend time with me that night, going out somewhere wonderful without your husband. It's your 40th, celebrate it!
posted by kathrineg at 11:32 AM on September 12

I think you should decide what you want before you do anything (except for copying the incriminating emails). Is this a dealbreaker? Do you love him? Do you want things to work out? Have you ever thought about leaving him before or wished you could?

I personally think you should be angry with him and figure out how to focus on your dissertation.

Tell him about what you found as soon as you figure out what you want the outcome to be. If you love him and still want him, ask him what he wants and if he wants that, too. If he doesn't, then tell him to pack up and leave.
posted by anniecat at 11:47 AM on September 12

I was cheated on by my partner of six years. The only I regret I have now, about 10 years later, is that when I found out out, I was overly protective of her and the person she was cheating on me with.

My advice is to cancel tonight's party (tell people you're not feeling well - preferably by email so you don't have to talk to each of them). Then tell him, today, that you know. Unfortunately his surgery is poorly timed but that can't be helped. You can't hold it in till after his recovery, nor should you have to.

Another thing to consider is going away for a couple days after confronting him. Stay with a friend. Sort out what next steps you want to talk by yourself.

Good luck, this must be awful.
posted by serazin at 12:08 PM on September 12

I've been thinking about the surgery angle. It's scheduled for Tuesday? He can cancel if he doesn't feel up to it because his wife found out he's cheating on her.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:44 PM on September 12 [6 favorites]

First, I'm so sorry. There is nothing as horrible as that feeling in the pit of your stomach, and the whole of your heart when you find out something like this. As someone who has been there, you have my deepest empathy.

Second; if you would like to add more details or responses to this thread, you can mefi-mail me, and I'll be glad to add them for you. Of course, your identity would never be revealed.

As to strategic thinking: I would not confront him immediately. I would personally probably cancel the party, but that's because I'm not terribly good at segmenting my emotions, and when under this sort of anger and hurt, *I* would be likely to blow up.

Remember that his behavior is not YOUR fault. He will try to blame you. Don't believe it. You didn't make him do this. You are the better person here. You're not a victim either, and don't let yourself get trapped into feeling victimized. You've been hurt, and he's a dick, but DO NOT let yourself start feeling helpless. You need to take control and own the power of this situation.

If I were doing my divorce over again, I would have done the following things before I confronted my ex:

1.) Document everything.

2.) Move any personal assets into a fund/holdings where he can't get them without a legal fight. Remember that he is now longer considered trustworthy, and nothing would suck right now more than being totally financially wiped out by him walking away with all the assets...which he can do. My ex did, and it was a long fight, and I never recovered 80% of the assets I had *before* I married him, even after the judge agreed, because the ex had already spent it or hidden it.

3.) Take some time to think about whether or not you are capable or want to forgive him, and try to salvage your marriage. If you do...well, I would still protect myself financially, but then look for a good counselor and try to pick up the pieces.

If not;

4.) Talk to a lawyer. Divorce lawyers, like all lawyers come in different flavors. Depending on your financial situation, you may be able to deal with just an inexpensive phone book lawyer, or you may want the expensive - makes other lawyers cry- attorney.

Once you have an attorney, and have managed the financial aspects, then confront him.

Remember that once he know that you know...then he's going to start taking actions to protect himself, like moving bank accounts. The odds are that he already has at least one account you don't know about; cheaters often have a separate fund where expenses like restaurants and gifts are not going to be noticed.

A lot really depends on how angry you are, and how much you want to see him suffer. Me, I played nice, and got really screwed. I lost my inheritance, I lost my share in a multimillion dollar company, I lost my house...I got royally and absolutely screwed because I didn't play hardball. If I had it to do over again, I would have roasted him over the coals and toasted marshmallows over the embers of what was left. (Not that I'm still angry, or anything...)
posted by dejah420 at 12:56 PM on September 12 [8 favorites]

Oh...one more thing, and this is very important:

DO NOT GO AWAY! Do not leave the house, do not go stay somewhere else, do not, in any way, shape, or form, give the appearance that you have abrogated your rights to be somewhere.

Make him go. You stay. Trust me.
posted by dejah420 at 12:59 PM on September 12 [8 favorites]

My empathies - my best advice, based on my own experience, is that sometimes you have to hit bottom so that you can go back up. And, one of the worst parts of that was finding out that I was among the last to know. My feeling is that in addressing infidelity, it's better to rip the band-aid off quickly, rather than go for the the slow peel - ymmv. Get the worst over with, your timing depending on the type of surgery, so that you can start progressing and be able to focus better by the time you need to have it together in December for your dissertation proposal.

I'll agree with cancelling the larger party and finding your core group of supportive friends and sharing your fears with them; plus taking time to feel yourself out; and yes yes yes - start to circle your wagons. A lot of friends fall by the wayside in these situations, sadly. Warm wishes for the best with that!

Yes to collecting "evidence" - check your bills, receipts, calendars... but ultimately, figure out your deal-breaker (in my case, her pregnancy); your emergency escape plan (some F*U money and a place to stay - though if he can leave or remove himself to the sofa or guest room that might be better ); and also, what it would take to make it work even temporarily (For example, in my case his saying "But if you make me break up with her, and it doesn't work out with us, then I'll have no one!" meant he wasn't even willing to stop seeing her while we went to a therapist) (Fourteen years later, they're now married with a kid - but then, so am I).

And I found Dr. Joy Browne's Three Questions REALLY REALLY helpful.

Here:

Joy Browne, PhD
Special from Bottom Line/Women's Health

No woman in her right mind would suggest that adultery strengthens a marriage. But a relationship can survive and even thrive afterward if the wounded partner finds the courage to demand answers to three questions...

Why did this happen? Saying, "I was drunk" or "It just happened" doesn't cut it. If it "just happened" once, it could just happen again -- so there's no basis for resurrecting trust. The unfaithful partner must figure out the real reason -- "I felt old and was trying to feel young again" or "I miss the way we used to make love." Once the problem is acknowledged, it can be worked on.

How can you promise it won't happen again? A fidelity plan identifies the lesson learned ("No fling is worth endangering our marriage")... puts constraints in place ("I'll be home by 6 pm every night")... and offers options ("I'll go with you for counseling or do whatever you want to show how sorry I am").

What's in it for me if you cheat again? This idea came about when a caller to my radio show said her cheating husband wanted another chance. He loved his boat -- so I said, "If he'll sign a document saying that if he cheats, you get the boat, then you've got a shot. Before he's unfaithful again, he'll think, 'Bimbo? Or boat?' If he won't sign, he's not willing to put his heart into fidelity."
posted by peagood at 1:00 PM on September 12 [2 favorites]

My advice will differ from everyone elses--but that's because we are all different. You can't be expected to act rationally right now --this is a shock and your are *in* shock. All this talk about lawyers etc is a sign of our times--people think the very first thing you should do is protect yourself financially--but you sound like someone with a career and enough sense to know who was unfaithful to whom is not the big bargaining chip (for assets) as it once was. That entire issue (lawyers! divorce!) pales in comparison (right now) to husband's health and your milestone party.

I once went to a party where the host had JUST LEARNED that his wife wanted out. We didn't know it at the time, but in retrospect he was quite zombie like. I am certain he went through with the social gathering as a way to gather his wits and "remain normal" if only for those few hours. Personally, I see nothing wrong with going through with your evening's plans (I know I am in the minority)...but you will be 40 years old in any event...people (your friends) do want to be happy about it and I daresay your husband likely wants it to be a nice evening too. If it were me I would definitely go through with the evening. Right at this very moment you do not know what your future holds--the evening is upon us--you are 40--and your friends will probably get a smile or two from you--simply because they are honoring YOU this evening and what a nice time for that!

I feel certain that you feel (as I did when I found out) so betrayed that you can not see straight--so my biggest advice (and best advice) is don't get drunk! Alcohol is the worst thing you can do--don't do it. None! You are too upset for alcohol and you won't make any sense if you drink.

Finally, you are in good company--I know you know--there are zillions of people everywhere that this has happened to. It is such a blow! But understand that you are not alone and you can and will get through this. I would tell h that you know but that you will put all decisions about everything completely on the back burner until he gets through surgery. It might be hard for you to mean this and it will be likely that you will fall into a martyr role. ("I've been wronged and yet I am so nice to him!") Try to keep it all in the best perspective you can. I am not suggesting that you shouldn't talk about this at all...but put off huge decisions and listen to his side. It took me a very very long time to see the responsibility that I had in the undoing of my marriage. Nothing is ever just one person's fault....However, cheating is the worst offense and normally after trust is broken no one can regain the trust again--we all know this. YOU could be the exception to the rule, but so much remains to be seen. The discovery is just the tip of the iceberg.

I disagree about telling people at the party about your situation. Just smile and get through it and I hope you'll be able to see that though this may qualify as your worst nightmare--that it is completely up to you how to handle yourself. You sound very classy. Think of yourself as a young tree (for 40 is a young tree) with deep roots. The wind is blowing the tree sideways--but your deep roots will make it so you don't fall over or snap... the storm always ends (eventually).

Put one foot in front of the other! Good Luck to you!
posted by naplesyellow at 1:07 PM on September 12

I'm with Jessamyn on this, FWIW. I am all in favor of non-traditional relationships and think anything is acceptable as long as everyone is in on it. It's not the infidelity, it's the dishonesty that matters.

Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 1:24 PM on September 12

Yes, cancel the party. Yes, tell him ASAP. Yes, make him leave. You need your space, you need to feel like you're in control of a situation that you didn't create. Call your support network and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

As for the surgery: he can talk to his doctor about what HE needs to do to recover with added stress. If this indeed something major, I would advise calling your doctor for advice on whether or not this will really have an effect on his recovery. Don't put his doctor in the position where he knows about the marital drama but can't say anything. Basically, if it's something where he'll be admitted to the hospital afterwards: check with a doctor before bringing this up, if necessary, wait until he's been discharged to discuss the situation. If it's same-day surgery: well, his painkillers can help dull the emotional pain of having gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 2:40 PM on September 12

All excellent advice above, I just wanted to add - when you confront a cheater, don't be surprised when they come up with the most ridiculous excuses for the evidence you've discovered.

One might hope they would think "Ok, the gig is up, best to come clean." Nope. They're so used to lying/hiding/dissembling/sneaking around that they keep on doing it.

You may hear:

"My friend was using my phone."
"That woman's been after me for ages, I'm just messing with her."
"You misinterpreted what you saw."

Stand fast and don't fall for any of these shenanigans.
posted by HopperFan at 2:56 PM on September 12

dejah420 has outlined thorough sound advice for you, upthread.

Seconding, don't leave. As hard as it may be, control your anger during the upcoming confrontation when you are ready to have it. And save as much e-communication as you can from now on- in fact, subtly shifting discussions to this medium will likely confer advantages.

Take the time soon to identify the top divorce lawyers in your area and, if possible, and if your decision is to divorce, arrange an official consultation with all of them. Your H won't be able to hire them if they have already spoken with you.

I don't think you mentioned children, so my guess is you don't have them, but if you do, you will need to be even more cautious about how you handle this. Whatever happens, don't involve them in a power struggle and keep as a top priority their emotional health and stability.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 3:43 PM on September 12 [2 favorites]

Consider the fact that if you decide this is not a deal breaker and you are willing to work it out, when you confront him, he may want a divorce. Even if you don't. So be prepared. Talk to a lawyer first. Moving out of the house could have legal implications that you do not want to make. As for the party, I would go through with it if for no other reason than to protect the surprise when you confront. As I mentioned earlier, the only reason I would cancel is if the hussy with whom he is cavorting is a friend who is attending.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:55 PM on September 12 [1 favorite]

And, although you probabaly have other things on your mind, let us know what you do! I've been following this thread, with it's wide range of good advice.
posted by zachawry at 6:01 PM on September 12

Dejah420 is right. You need to get the best attorney that he can afford. This is a long game. You may not want to divorce but he may. Protecting yourself financially allows you freedom to make choices without additional fears of being unable to have a home, food or other support.

You are concerned that this is going to bleed into your work life. It will just because it is affecting your personal life. Also, if he is having an affair with someone at your work it is already a widening circle. Minimize the damage, plan ahead and when you have all your ducks in a row, you can then confront your husband not as a supplicant but on a more equal footing and then can decide whether you want to stay or not but it will be your choice based on a position of strength.

You can defer your defense, if need be, talk to your advisor so don't decide to stay because of your thesis defense. There are new priorities, the first being your personal well being; the second is your physical well being and the third, is your academic. Academia can be deferred; life has happened to other doctorate candidates so, do not feel bad about deferring the defense until you are in a better place.
posted by jadepearl at 7:04 PM on September 12 [1 favorite]

I doubt this will spillover that much into your professional life. You just need to state it, and that's that. "We've decided not to continue our relationship". No one will be idiotic enough to follow up on that, but if they are just say you're not ready to go into details.
posted by xammerboy at 10:21 PM on September 12

I wouldn't confront now. Use the surgery and convalescense as time to get your own things in order. Also, I think you should take some time to think, otherwise this conversation may not go to well....
posted by xammerboy at 10:24 PM on September 12

Here's something from the other side.

I'm a cheater. (well, ex-cheater, as my former partner and I are no longer together. Anyway.)

This happened a long time ago, and for now the background is not important enough to mention here.

HOWEVER! My ex found out about my cheating, and then did nothing. She stewed, hurt, cried, wound herself up into little knots, and it was only until I did something to provoke her - unintentionally - that she finally confronted me, told me that she knew everything, told me that she'd gone through messages on the computer, and so on.

While that was a shock to me (being found out, realising what I'd done etc) and was absolutely sickening to her (describing my behaviours and actions, the effects on her, her family and friends, the fact that it came out was in many ways a relief to both of us.

My point is this: the longer you hold on to this information without confronting your husband, the worse off you will BOTH be. Cheating just corrodes a relationship, and regardless of what you want to do, and whether or not you stay together, please make it easier on yourself by getting this out in the open as soon as possible.
posted by flutable at 2:32 AM on September 13 [1 favorite]

Oh yes, dejah420. Just to add something to your comment.

I was screamed at to "get out of this house". That was when the reality hit home for me, and also for her. She could not live with the dishonesty and trust issues, which I accepted. But she also said that telling me to get out was the hardest thing she'd ever done.

So, OP, think through things, and be strong. Having your partner out of the house will give you time to think without the pressure of "THE CHEATER" hanging around the house. The surgery is no excuse to tolerate his behaviour. He made his bed, he must lie in it.

Apologies for double-dipping in this thread.
posted by flutable at 2:38 AM on September 13