Feel good in my skin.

September 10, 2009 9:30 AM

How to feel sexy in my skin for once??

I lost quite a bit of weight during my adolescent years due to hormonal issues which has left me feeling self conscious about my body since then. I have stretch marks all over my thighs, butt, sides, saggy breasts, arms, etc. I've been in a relationship with the same guy for going on 3 years and I've been really craving feeling sexy to him, like other women, he says guys only look at other women when they're not satisfied and he does.

I obviously do not have the greatest body image and just looking for tips on things I can do to improve that and feel better in my skin which hopefully will make him see me differently. I'm not a large woman I weigh 145 so the weight isn't such an issue for me.

posted by lwclec072 to society & culture (24 comments total)

he says guys only look at other women when they're not satisfied and he does

This is bullshit. Seriously, it's bullshit. Why is he jerking you around like this?

Humans look at other humans.

That said, if your goal is to develop more self-confidence about your own body, therapy is an obvious choice. Some other things that can help are getting spa treatments, taking dance classes, taking up a sport, doing yoga or tai ch'i...
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:41 AM on September 10 [7 favorites]

Take up martial arts, yoga, backpacking, long-distance running, rock climbing... something physical, challenging, empowering; something you thought you could "never" or "wouldn't" do. It will help you learn to love your body (stretch marks suddenly seem less important when your amazing body just helped you run 11 miles, kick over a punching bag, or hike a whole mountain chain.)

The time spent on training will give you time to think, too, to reflect on your relationship with your body and your man. It will also help manage any stress you might have, teach you to exert your determination, and maybe even help you make new friends! There's nothing like physical activity to make you feel confident and humble at the same time.
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:49 AM on September 10 [6 favorites]

he says guys only look at other women when they're not satisfied and he does

This is bullshit. Seriously, it's bullshit. Why is he jerking you around like this?

Can't emphasize that enough.
posted by owtytrof at 9:50 AM on September 10 [7 favorites]

Let me understand something.

Are you saying that your boyfriend actually looks at other women, and has defended this by saying "well, guys look at other women when they're not satisfied by their girlfriends"? Is that in fact what you are saying?

If that is in fact what you are saying, then the reason why you don't "feel sexy to your boyfriend" has nothing to do with how you actually look -- the reason that you feel like you're not sexy to your boyfriend is because your boyfriend is a colossally rude dicksmack. And the only way to fix it is to either call him on his bullshit or dump him for someone who isn't that much of a gigantic tool.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:01 AM on September 10 [14 favorites]

i know it's perfectly normal, too, i do it all the time but any time he does which is often and i notice he gets pissed at me for me pointing it out. he's said if a man is satisfied in a relationship, then they should have no reason to check out other women. i do it with men i find attractive but if he asks I'm perfectly open and honest w/ him. we're human we notice things that are appealing to our senses. that's how I see it at least. whether it be the opposite sex, or food.
posted by lwclec072 at 10:03 AM on September 10

he's said if a man is satisfied in a relationship, then they should have no reason to check out other women.

Okay, please understand that

a) this is a lie, and
b) he is trying to undermine your confidence by telling you this lie.

You don't feel confident in your body because your partner is undermining your confidence. That has to stop before any of the other things you choose to do, whether it's mountain-climbing or belly dancing or hot stone massages or psychotherapy, will improve your self-confidence.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:07 AM on September 10 [6 favorites]

he says guys only look at other women when they're not satisfied and he does

This is bullshit. Seriously, it's bullshit. Why is he jerking you around like this?

Humans look at other humans.


this x 1,000,000. I know this isn't a question about your relationship, but that comment sort of screams this guy is a jerk and he's probably the reason you don't feel sexy. No matter how sexy you are, your SO will still look at other women. It's just what people do. So don't let that make you feel bad about your body. I think my SO is insanely sexy, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate another beautiful woman (or man, for that matter) when I see one (and so can she). So forget that nonsense.

WidgetAlley's advice is also truth. Look- most people have weird, imperfect bodies. Being healthy and exercising will make your body feel good - so you'll feel good about your body. Most people have body images issues. I'm sure you're sexy just the way you are.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:09 AM on September 10 [4 favorites]

he says guys only look at other women when they're not satisfied and he does.

First of all, I think intention is key when it comes to the whole looking-at thing. There's a difference between noticing and appreciating a person's attractiveness, and making plans to "hit that". If your boyfriend is even hinting at considering doing the latter, it's time to have a serious chat with him about Boundaries.

As for improving your body image, how about focusing on performance, rather than looks? Set a goal, for example, hiking a particular trail, running a mile without stopping, learning particular swimming maneuvers, or earning a rank in a martial art. Once you start working toward that goal, you'll notice improvement in your performance, and get excited about it.

I've been doing this for the past three months, and it's done wonders for my self-esteem. I went from a weak, scrawny thing haunted by the memory of getting a D in elementary-school gym to a toned, happy girl who's about to run her first 5K and is thinking ahead to her first half-marathon. These newfound skills make me feel stronger and more confident. Confidence + toned muscles + happiness = teh sexy, according to my hsuband. :)

Get out there and take the time for yourself. Develop your skills and abilities. Find and feel your strength. The self-confidence will follow.

Best of luck to you! :)
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 10:10 AM on September 10 [1 favorite]

To sexy up, you might consider consulting Mistress Krista at Stumptuous.com, the high-priestess of iron pumping evangelism and fitness.

As other astute commenter have noted, this may only be of secondary importance.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 10:16 AM on September 10

he says guys only look at other women when they're not satisfied and he does.

things I can do to improve that and feel better in my skin which hopefully will make him see me differently.

I just want to make sure that I'm reading this correctly, because these two items strike me as problematic. First of all, he's looking at other women in such a way that it is evident to you, and has also at some point given you his opinion on why men look at other women, leading you to believe that he looks because is unsatisfied with you? This is how I'm interpreting that first line. If this is the case, that... is not great. This is kind of a shitty thing to do, and it sounds passive-aggressive, and this is not why men look. This is not why anyone looks. People look because they have eyes. Men who look at other women and also tell their girlfriends that the reason men look at other women is because the woman they're with is unsatisfying are assholes.

To the second point, to some extent, it is very true that your increased self-esteem will indeed make you more attractive in general. But my concern is that you will not achieve real confidence if what you're chasing after is ultimately validation from your boyfriend. I could be wrong, but it sounds like his behavior and attitude is probably contributing to your low self-esteem. You don't need to convince him you're sexy... you are sexy, right now. If he's not feeling it, that's his deal, not yours.

Do seriously consider taking up a sport, or an exercise program, or a dance class or a martial arts class. Get reacquainted with your body. Figure out your body's limits and start slowly pushing them. See how good it is to feel the strength of your muscles and your range of motion increase. See how alive you feel each time you reach a goal, each time your endorphins kick in and you find your second wind. And after all that, see how much patience you have for people who can't appreciate you just as you are.
posted by hegemone at 10:19 AM on September 10 [1 favorite]

Things you may want to try:

- First, focus on what looks good about you. I'm sure that there are quite a few positives to start on.
- Talk to a dermatologist about the stretch marks. There are ways to minimize their appearance.
- Definitely talk to a therapist.
- Do some clothes shopping, and buy yourself a few very flattering outfits. Bring a female friend or two along to use as a sounding board.
- I hesitate to to include this, but minor plastic surgery might be in order here. I normally don't like the idea of plastics at all, especially for women with body image issues. But, in your specific case, dramatic weight loss that leads to sagging skin does possibly call for some skin-tucks to restore you to more of what you looked like before the weight gain. You should only do this if the stretching of the skin is really extreme (there's no way to offer an opinion of that without a picture), if there's no possibility that you'll be gaining a lot of weight back (doesn't sound like it), and after a few months of productive therapy sessions so you have the matter in proper perspective.

As for the b/f, he's proving to be a bit of a douche. Everyone looks. The measure of character is whether one touches.

Hope this helps.
posted by Citrus at 10:26 AM on September 10

tips on things I can do to improve that and feel better in my skin which hopefully will make him see me differently

That is where that statement should stop. You need to feel better in your skin for yourself because it's a good thing for you. Now, I'm not going to say it isn't possible to achieve that when someone close to you is actively undermining you, but if your boyfriend doesn't cut it out, you'll have to develop that confidence in defiance of him, and by the time you're done with that, you'll probably just want to dump him anyway.

Sidhedevil has got this - he's undermining you. And he's blaming his behavior, which he is in control of, on you. You both have some work to do if you're going to have a healthy relationship. It's possible that he doesn't recognize what he's doing and why he's doing it, but it needs to stop.
posted by EvaDestruction at 10:33 AM on September 10 [1 favorite]

My brother (who dropped around 100 pounds at the end of high school) used some sort of cocoa butter that was marketed towards women post-pregnancy to help with stretch marks. I don’t know how well it actually worked.

Otherwise-exercise and/or find a new boyfriend who doesn’t undermine your confidence.
posted by dinty_moore at 10:44 AM on September 10

To clarify, as other people have asked:

1. He says that men only look at women other than their girlfriends/wives when they're not satisfied with their relationship.
2. He has looked at other women, obviously, and has admitted to it.

I'd ask him to clarify point #1. Really, he might have been stating an ideal and is comfortable and happy in your relationship. If he is openly admitting to wanting something different in your relationship, and it has to do with your appearance, DTMFA. Seriously.

Do what it takes to get a healthy self-image. There are a lot of good pieces of advice here for that. If your boyfriend is making you feel bad about yourself, then removing him from the picture might be part of it. The right guy should be attracted to you because you're comfortable in your skin and happy.
posted by mikeh at 11:02 AM on September 10

A recent related topic (in terms of your boyfriend looking at other women): Do men who date porn stars continue to use porn? Answer: yes.

There are two questions here: how do I feel good about my body, and how do I feel sexy in my body.

Feeling good has been well covered: find something you thought you couldn't do, and work your way towards doing that (or realize now that you are able to do more than you gave yourself credit for).

Second on the clothes: find things that flatter your figure. If you're not sure what looks good on you, take an honest friend with you. Some things will make you look pudgy or overweight. Other things will draw focus to your assets and flow over your less than great parts. And by "honest friend" I mean someone who won't tell you that dress is fine for you when it isn't, just because they don't feel comfortable talking about how you look in outfits. If you feel like you have no idea what to wear or what suits your body, my wife is a fan of some of the make-over shows on TV (What Not To Wear on TLC, and the like). Find someone who has a bodytype similar to yours and see what tips and tricks to follow.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:09 AM on September 10

An important point: stretch marks, despite the weird stigma around them, are just another form of scarring. You went through a very rough time, and it literally left its marks on your body. If you had scars from, say, a childhood car accident, or from long-ago episodes of self-harm, you would expect your boyfriend to just accept this and not be a douchenozzle about it.

It's his problem. He's unable to deal with the reality of human bodies - they are tender and vulnerable and are marked by our passage through life. They can't always be returned to showroom condition. You'll never be able to feel sexy in his eyes until he does the hard work of growing up and coming to terms with this reality. If he can't do that, you need to send this little boy back to his mamma (who probably has stretch marks from the nine months she spent carrying this chauvinist ingrate).
posted by eatyourcellphone at 11:51 AM on September 10 [5 favorites]

Do what WidgetAlley suggests (they beat me to it) and DTMFA!!!
posted by jgirl at 11:56 AM on September 10

Your boyfriend is trying to make you feel bad about yourself and your body. To feel better about your body get away from this guy. He sounds emotionally abusive to me.
posted by JennyK at 12:38 PM on September 10

How to feel sexy in my skin for once?

Find someone who loves you, the limited information provided makes your current bf sound like an asshole.

Exercise: it is not only good physically, but good mentally.
Perhaps seek out some talk therapy regarding body image issues.


If you feel good and confident others will be attracted to you, full stop. This is true if you are 300 pounds or 120 pounds. The trick is to use very little of "How can I change to make him like me" and a lot of "I want to feel better, how can I make myself feel better?" (no, you can't cheat and say I'll feel better if my boyfriend likes my body better)
posted by edgeways at 12:48 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

I don't like your boyfriend.

Exercise! I don't exercise to lose weight, I exercise to feel good in my skin. It feels sooo amazing to lift weights, do pilates and take long walks. It also tones me up and clears my head. You don't have to be a gym buff to get some benefits out of exercise.

Nthing clothes that fit.
Nthing DTMFA - please! He sounds like he may be a dead weight on your self esteem, which nobody needs.

Maybe a new haircut will help? Sounds stupid, but it really does wonders for me.
posted by caveat at 1:48 PM on September 10

he's said if a man is satisfied in a relationship, then they should have no reason to check out other women.

I guarantee that you will feel sexier when you are no longer in a relationship with someone who blames you for his wandering eye.
posted by Meg_Murry at 2:57 PM on September 10 [2 favorites]

Meg_Murray put it perfectly.
posted by Bergamot at 6:08 PM on September 10

any time he does [look at other women] which is often and i notice he gets pissed at me for me pointing it out. he's said if a man is satisfied in a relationship, then they should have no reason to check out other women.

You're dating somebody who openly admits he's unsatisfied with you. And he's a manipulative jerk who has absolutely no idea how a normal, healthy adult romantic relationship works. And quite possibly insane.

It's not that he looks at other women - that's normal. It's that he considers it, bizarrely, your fault.

Get out of this weird relationship and then you can work on your minor problems with your appearance and your self-esteem.
posted by mmoncur at 6:47 PM on September 10 [1 favorite]

See if you can find a man who will give you a lot of generous attention. That will make you feel sexy in your skin even with all your clothes on.

Think of your stretch marks as natural white tattoos. White tats are all the latest rage and people are paying lots to have them burned in. So you have natural scarification that is the envy of the "beautiful people". I actually really like my shiny stretch marks a lot.

And if you have another man seriously interested in you, I would bet money your OG will change his script a bit.
posted by effluvia at 7:15 PM on September 10