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September 10, 2009 9:08 AM Subscribe
Ambiguous date requests.
So I am a male, and taken. I have been invited for a drink by an interesting girl that I have met. We have absolutely no common friends or acquaintances so far as I know. It wasn't explicit in the email, but it's pretty clear to me that the drink invitation is in fact a Date Request. I would happily meet her for a coffee/beer- but I don't want to be misleading. If I simply accept, and then casually mention my (currently long distance) girlfriend once we meet, she might feel a bit foolish (but that's only a guess, more importantly it will feel forced and awkward on my part). I cannot think of a casual way for me to mention that I am taken while responding to the drink request. And I feel like just ignoring the request would be very rude (although maybe it is the best thing to do?). Please, give me suggestions!
(And for the record, no, my concern is not that I will 'stray'. I have a wonderful lady. This is more about navigating the world of platonic mixed-gender hetero relationships).
So I am a male, and taken. I have been invited for a drink by an interesting girl that I have met. We have absolutely no common friends or acquaintances so far as I know. It wasn't explicit in the email, but it's pretty clear to me that the drink invitation is in fact a Date Request. I would happily meet her for a coffee/beer- but I don't want to be misleading. If I simply accept, and then casually mention my (currently long distance) girlfriend once we meet, she might feel a bit foolish (but that's only a guess, more importantly it will feel forced and awkward on my part). I cannot think of a casual way for me to mention that I am taken while responding to the drink request. And I feel like just ignoring the request would be very rude (although maybe it is the best thing to do?). Please, give me suggestions!
(And for the record, no, my concern is not that I will 'stray'. I have a wonderful lady. This is more about navigating the world of platonic mixed-gender hetero relationships).
I have been invited for a drink by an interesting girl that I have met. We have absolutely no common friends or acquaintances so far as I know. It wasn't explicit in the email...
How did this person email you without having any connection to you from any third person?
Oh wait, you're anonymous.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:15 AM on September 10, 2009
How did this person email you without having any connection to you from any third person?
Oh wait, you're anonymous.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:15 AM on September 10, 2009
Definitely let her know before you you two go out that you have a girlfriend. She might still feel foolish, but at least it won't be out in public.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with asking her if this is a date or not. If she says yes you can tell her you have a girlfriend, if she says no then it's not a date. Yes, she could lie about it being a date. But if she tells you it's not... If it makes you feel better you can mention the girlfriend either way. Something like "My girlfriend and I have been looking at trying that place" or something like that.
Normally I'd say ignoring the request isn't rude. But since it's someone you'd go out with for lack of better wording anyway then I'd respond. There could be a connection that you've not thought about, or it's a professional thing, or she likes one of your friends and wants some inside tips, or she wants to vent about something and you might be available, or any number of things.
posted by theichibun at 9:17 AM on September 10, 2009
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with asking her if this is a date or not. If she says yes you can tell her you have a girlfriend, if she says no then it's not a date. Yes, she could lie about it being a date. But if she tells you it's not... If it makes you feel better you can mention the girlfriend either way. Something like "My girlfriend and I have been looking at trying that place" or something like that.
Normally I'd say ignoring the request isn't rude. But since it's someone you'd go out with for lack of better wording anyway then I'd respond. There could be a connection that you've not thought about, or it's a professional thing, or she likes one of your friends and wants some inside tips, or she wants to vent about something and you might be available, or any number of things.
posted by theichibun at 9:17 AM on September 10, 2009
I once replied to a date request by saying: I'm not able to go on a Date, as I'm taken; but it would be nice to go on a Not-A-Date, if you're OK with that.
We went on the non-date and have now been good friends for many years.
posted by emilyw at 9:17 AM on September 10, 2009 [27 favorites]
We went on the non-date and have now been good friends for many years.
posted by emilyw at 9:17 AM on September 10, 2009 [27 favorites]
anonymous: I cannot think of a casual way for me to mention that I am taken while responding to the drink request.
There is not a casual way to say every single thing that needs to be said in day-to-day life; nor need there be.
"Well, first of all, I feel like I should get this out of the way and just say it: I'm dating somebody right now, quite happily, and I don't intend to end it. That said, I'd love to hang out. When's a good time for you?"
posted by koeselitz at 9:18 AM on September 10, 2009 [10 favorites]
There is not a casual way to say every single thing that needs to be said in day-to-day life; nor need there be.
"Well, first of all, I feel like I should get this out of the way and just say it: I'm dating somebody right now, quite happily, and I don't intend to end it. That said, I'd love to hang out. When's a good time for you?"
posted by koeselitz at 9:18 AM on September 10, 2009 [10 favorites]
Something like what Brandon said (though the long distance thing makes his actual suggestion not exactly fit.)
Yes, it may seemed forced to you and make you feel awkward, and she may feel foolish but if you have any desire to actually accept this invitation and there's any possibility that your acceptance might be misconstrued as an date by her, you need to do it before it goes any further. Trust me -- you're doing everybody a favor by sucking it up and feeling awkward sooner rather than later.
You don't have to make her classify it as a non-date, but you do have to classify yourself as not available for one. Sorry I can't help with exact wording.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2009
Yes, it may seemed forced to you and make you feel awkward, and she may feel foolish but if you have any desire to actually accept this invitation and there's any possibility that your acceptance might be misconstrued as an date by her, you need to do it before it goes any further. Trust me -- you're doing everybody a favor by sucking it up and feeling awkward sooner rather than later.
You don't have to make her classify it as a non-date, but you do have to classify yourself as not available for one. Sorry I can't help with exact wording.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2009
Do mention that you have a girlfriend, as others have said above.
Moreover, in the theme of navigating the world of platonic mixed-gender hetero relationships, if you do grab a drink with this woman, do mention it to your girlfriend. Likely she'll appreciate it.
posted by teragram at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2009 [13 favorites]
Moreover, in the theme of navigating the world of platonic mixed-gender hetero relationships, if you do grab a drink with this woman, do mention it to your girlfriend. Likely she'll appreciate it.
posted by teragram at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2009 [13 favorites]
Jaltcoh: How did this person email you without having any connection to you from any third person?
Have you never just met somebody? In class? At the post office? In a police lineup? Have you never traded email addresses and said 'hey, let's chat sometime!'
This happens in the real world, believe me.
posted by koeselitz at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
Have you never just met somebody? In class? At the post office? In a police lineup? Have you never traded email addresses and said 'hey, let's chat sometime!'
This happens in the real world, believe me.
posted by koeselitz at 9:20 AM on September 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
"Yeah, I'd love to meet for a coffee, it's always nice to meet a new friend interested in ___"
"Sure, coffee would be great - I [am out of town visiting/have a phone date with] my girlfriend this weekend/Saturday/whatever and I'm [working/something else non-girlfriend-related] on Monday, but how about another day next week?"
A little bit clunky is ok, but a full-on "just so you know..." can be presumptuous and uncomfortable if it doesn't seem date-like. I've been on various sides of ambiguity and I am a woman with a bunch of one-to-one friendships with men, and some indicator saves a lot of disappointment or weirdness or painstaking outfit selection - I would do it if you can.
Not doing super date-like things is also good, if you're thinking of waiting until you drop it into conversation.
posted by carbide at 9:21 AM on September 10, 2009
"Sure, coffee would be great - I [am out of town visiting/have a phone date with] my girlfriend this weekend/Saturday/whatever and I'm [working/something else non-girlfriend-related] on Monday, but how about another day next week?"
A little bit clunky is ok, but a full-on "just so you know..." can be presumptuous and uncomfortable if it doesn't seem date-like. I've been on various sides of ambiguity and I am a woman with a bunch of one-to-one friendships with men, and some indicator saves a lot of disappointment or weirdness or painstaking outfit selection - I would do it if you can.
Not doing super date-like things is also good, if you're thinking of waiting until you drop it into conversation.
posted by carbide at 9:21 AM on September 10, 2009
You know it's probably a date request, and you know the right thing to do is to politely decline. There's really no need to get into why you're declining, especially considering you have no apparent connection (no common friends or acquaintances) with this person. Just say you're very sorry, but you have other plans for that evening.
If you still feel compelled to explain why you're declining, tell her you're very sorry, but you and your girlfriend have other plans for that evening.
posted by 2xplor at 9:21 AM on September 10, 2009
If you still feel compelled to explain why you're declining, tell her you're very sorry, but you and your girlfriend have other plans for that evening.
posted by 2xplor at 9:21 AM on September 10, 2009
but it's pretty clear to me that the drink invitation is in fact a Date Request
If so, then I fail to understand what the "ambigous" part is. You have no friends in common. You have no other reason she might want to see you so...
This is not about "platonic mixed-gender hetero relationships" She doesn't want to be your friend. She wants to f*** you.
The correct response is "Sorry, but no thank you!" Right?
posted by vacapinta at 9:21 AM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
If so, then I fail to understand what the "ambigous" part is. You have no friends in common. You have no other reason she might want to see you so...
This is not about "platonic mixed-gender hetero relationships" She doesn't want to be your friend. She wants to f*** you.
The correct response is "Sorry, but no thank you!" Right?
posted by vacapinta at 9:21 AM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
Have you never just met somebody? In class? At the post office? In a police lineup? Have you never traded email addresses and said 'hey, let's chat sometime!'
This happens in the real world, believe me.
Oh, I understand that it happens. I didn't say it was impossible. I just said it's relevant as to how to handle the situation.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:22 AM on September 10, 2009
This happens in the real world, believe me.
Oh, I understand that it happens. I didn't say it was impossible. I just said it's relevant as to how to handle the situation.
posted by Jaltcoh at 9:22 AM on September 10, 2009
"That sounds fun but no funny business because I have a gf."
I think dropping it in there as kind of a joke will be less mortifying for youwhen if it turns out she never thought it was a date to begin with and already knew you were taken.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:23 AM on September 10, 2009 [6 favorites]
I think dropping it in there as kind of a joke will be less mortifying for you
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:23 AM on September 10, 2009 [6 favorites]
A very similar thing happened to me recently, except I'm single, and it turns out the girl asking me out for a drink has a long-distance boyfriend. She didn't tell me about the bf until about halfway through our quasi-date. I certainly would have appreciated knowing beforehand, as I would have approached the situation differently (and felt less disappointed).
posted by ripple at 9:29 AM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by ripple at 9:29 AM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
As a long-distance girlfriend, I second the suggestion that -- should you hang out with this girl -- you mention it to your significant other, preferably beforehand. If she finds out afterward that you met Girl X for coffee / drinks / whatever, she may, no matter what kind of wonderful and trusting relationship that you have, start to worry irrationally. Not necessarily about you, but about Girl X and her intentions, no matter how platonic they may [or may not] be.
Sigh. Been there, done that.
Is there a coffee shop / bar in your city that your girlfriend enjoys? Mention it in your reply: "Hey, there's this fantastic place we could go, my girlfriend loves the [insert food drink here] and I like the [insert other food / drink here]. Have you been there / do you want to try it?" It'll give her enough of a heads up to reconsider her pursuit of you. If she has platonic intentions, she'll bite; if not, maybe she'll back off.
posted by alynnk at 9:36 AM on September 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
Sigh. Been there, done that.
Is there a coffee shop / bar in your city that your girlfriend enjoys? Mention it in your reply: "Hey, there's this fantastic place we could go, my girlfriend loves the [insert food drink here] and I like the [insert other food / drink here]. Have you been there / do you want to try it?" It'll give her enough of a heads up to reconsider her pursuit of you. If she has platonic intentions, she'll bite; if not, maybe she'll back off.
posted by alynnk at 9:36 AM on September 10, 2009 [5 favorites]
I'm with emilyw. I once met a guy through a mutual friend while my significant other was away. We live in a pretty small town, so he promptly e-mailed me to ask me for coffee. I replied:
Is this just a friendly 'let's hang out sometime', she wonders to herself, or is he asking me on a date? ....Because if it's the latter I should probably mention the serious boyfriend (who was out of town last weekend). But if it's the former there's no need, and doing so is kind of embarrassing and presumptuous. Hmmm.
It was totally fine. He WAS asking me on a date, and was happy to get it all figured out cleanly and non-awkwardly. He's hung out with my boyfriend and I since, even.
posted by kestrel251 at 10:02 AM on September 10, 2009
Is this just a friendly 'let's hang out sometime', she wonders to herself, or is he asking me on a date? ....Because if it's the latter I should probably mention the serious boyfriend (who was out of town last weekend). But if it's the former there's no need, and doing so is kind of embarrassing and presumptuous. Hmmm.
It was totally fine. He WAS asking me on a date, and was happy to get it all figured out cleanly and non-awkwardly. He's hung out with my boyfriend and I since, even.
posted by kestrel251 at 10:02 AM on September 10, 2009
My brother once asked someone out on what he thought was a date, and she brought her never-before-mentioned husband.
They had a pleasant evening, but he was a little WTF? about the whole thing.
Obviously, you can't bring your girlfriend if she's far away, but bring her into the conversation. Or say "Thanks for your nice offer, but I'm leery about going out for drinks with beautiful women because I already have a girlfriend." Then she can say "So do I! Let's have a beer and dish" or "Thanks for letting me know" or whatever.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:11 AM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
They had a pleasant evening, but he was a little WTF? about the whole thing.
Obviously, you can't bring your girlfriend if she's far away, but bring her into the conversation. Or say "Thanks for your nice offer, but I'm leery about going out for drinks with beautiful women because I already have a girlfriend." Then she can say "So do I! Let's have a beer and dish" or "Thanks for letting me know" or whatever.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:11 AM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
I say by all means go get a drink with her, but let her know the score beforehand. An appropriate response is something like "I'm always up for a beer/coffee/whatever, but you should know that I'm seeing somebody." Then let her respond if she wants. And, as people have pointed out above, you also tell your girlfriend about it.
posted by number9dream at 10:15 AM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by number9dream at 10:15 AM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
Or say "Thanks for your nice offer, but I'm leery about going out for drinks with beautiful women because I already have a girlfriend."
I think Sidhedevil's advice is pretty much spot-on here, with one caveat: having dealt with these situations before myself, I might try to steer clear of tacking any flirtatious compliments on to the "Seriously, I'm already with someone who's amazing and I don't want to date you, but can we just be friends?" speech. I feel like that might send some mixed signals about whether you're actually interested and flirting despite the girlfriend, and that isn't what you're trying to get across. There have been tons of great suggestions for subtle, non-awkward ways to work a mention of your girlfriend into a platonic acceptance of her invitation, so keep it clean, simple, friendly, but firm. No ambiguous flirting. Also, putting on my former long-distance girlfriend hat for a moment, nthing that mentioning this to your lady in advance would be considerate and thoughtful.
(Kudos to you, by the way, on seeking advice as to how to handle something like this in a tactful, responsible fashion!)
posted by teamparka at 10:31 AM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
I think Sidhedevil's advice is pretty much spot-on here, with one caveat: having dealt with these situations before myself, I might try to steer clear of tacking any flirtatious compliments on to the "Seriously, I'm already with someone who's amazing and I don't want to date you, but can we just be friends?" speech. I feel like that might send some mixed signals about whether you're actually interested and flirting despite the girlfriend, and that isn't what you're trying to get across. There have been tons of great suggestions for subtle, non-awkward ways to work a mention of your girlfriend into a platonic acceptance of her invitation, so keep it clean, simple, friendly, but firm. No ambiguous flirting. Also, putting on my former long-distance girlfriend hat for a moment, nthing that mentioning this to your lady in advance would be considerate and thoughtful.
(Kudos to you, by the way, on seeking advice as to how to handle something like this in a tactful, responsible fashion!)
posted by teamparka at 10:31 AM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
"You seem like someone I'd like to hang out with, but because I can't read minds, I have to let you know ahead of time that I already have a girlfriend that I care about very much."
Being totally frank is the way to go on this one.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:40 AM on September 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
Being totally frank is the way to go on this one.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:40 AM on September 10, 2009 [2 favorites]
IMHO, you posted here to get permission to stray. We say its OK to go, you let passion get the best of you, oh well, AskMefi did it.
It really doesn't matter what this girl thinks is going to happen. If your relationship with your girlfriend is solid, you would brush off her advances. If your relationship with your girlfriend is shaky, it might look like a good idea.
Sit down. Think about your girlfriend. Be honest with yourself. Is it working?
If its not working, have the seeing-other-people talk with the GF and go on the date with a clean conscience. If you don't have the talk, and its not working, stay clear until you have the talk.
If your relationship is working, go anywhere, do anything that isn't cheating. If you really love someone you can fend off advances without too much sweat.
posted by Antidisestablishmentarianist at 12:24 PM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
It really doesn't matter what this girl thinks is going to happen. If your relationship with your girlfriend is solid, you would brush off her advances. If your relationship with your girlfriend is shaky, it might look like a good idea.
Sit down. Think about your girlfriend. Be honest with yourself. Is it working?
If its not working, have the seeing-other-people talk with the GF and go on the date with a clean conscience. If you don't have the talk, and its not working, stay clear until you have the talk.
If your relationship is working, go anywhere, do anything that isn't cheating. If you really love someone you can fend off advances without too much sweat.
posted by Antidisestablishmentarianist at 12:24 PM on September 10, 2009 [1 favorite]
IMHO, you posted here to get permission to stray. We say its OK to go, you let passion get the best of you, oh well, AskMefi did it.
It really doesn't matter what this girl thinks is going to happen. If your relationship with your girlfriend is solid, you would brush off her advances. If your relationship with your girlfriend is shaky, it might look like a good idea.
Sit down. Think about your girlfriend. Be honest with yourself. Is it working?
If its not working, have the seeing-other-people talk with the GF and go on the date with a clean conscience. If you don't have the talk, and its not working, stay clear until you have the talk.
If your relationship is working, go anywhere, do anything that isn't cheating. If you really love someone you can fend off advances without too much sweat.
Antidisestablishmentarianist, how on earth does your (humble?) accusation accommodate men and women being friends? Anonymous doesn't indicate an attraction to the woman, just that she seems interesting, nor does he appear to protest too much. Given the specificity of questions about human relations on AskMe, an etiquette question on tipping someone off that you're taken does not appear at all, in any way, to be cover for getting a permission note from The Internet for cheating.
posted by carbide at 12:40 PM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
It really doesn't matter what this girl thinks is going to happen. If your relationship with your girlfriend is solid, you would brush off her advances. If your relationship with your girlfriend is shaky, it might look like a good idea.
Sit down. Think about your girlfriend. Be honest with yourself. Is it working?
If its not working, have the seeing-other-people talk with the GF and go on the date with a clean conscience. If you don't have the talk, and its not working, stay clear until you have the talk.
If your relationship is working, go anywhere, do anything that isn't cheating. If you really love someone you can fend off advances without too much sweat.
Antidisestablishmentarianist, how on earth does your (humble?) accusation accommodate men and women being friends? Anonymous doesn't indicate an attraction to the woman, just that she seems interesting, nor does he appear to protest too much. Given the specificity of questions about human relations on AskMe, an etiquette question on tipping someone off that you're taken does not appear at all, in any way, to be cover for getting a permission note from The Internet for cheating.
posted by carbide at 12:40 PM on September 10, 2009 [3 favorites]
About telling your gf about it first, one hopes you and she have already had the conversation about outside friendships and jealousy. If not, your "telling gf about it first" may come across as a whole lot more than news about your upcoming week. In that case you need to turn this (non-)date request down (not just postpone it), have that conversation with your gf, and come to an agreement about (both of) your behavior in this regard. Then the next time someone makes such a request/offer, you'll already have your compass.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 12:40 PM on September 10, 2009
posted by TruncatedTiller at 12:40 PM on September 10, 2009
It's fairly easy to bring up your girlfriend in casual conversation. In a reply to the email it's a bit trickier. Still, worse case this lady meets you and is disappointed she wasted a night chatting with someone who has a girlfriend already. Neither of you needs to get embarrassed about that though.
posted by chunking express at 12:44 PM on September 10, 2009
posted by chunking express at 12:44 PM on September 10, 2009
"Hey, there's this fantastic place we could go, my girlfriend loves the [insert food drink here] and I like the [insert other food / drink here]. Have you been there / do you want to try it?" - alynnk
This looks like an excellent way to naturally present the information.
posted by Cantdosleepy at 6:32 AM on September 11, 2009
This looks like an excellent way to naturally present the information.
posted by Cantdosleepy at 6:32 AM on September 11, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:13 AM on September 10, 2009 [6 favorites]