My boyfriend has been doing lunch with the ex and not telling me about it.
September 10, 2009 6:54 AM Subscribe
I found out my boyfriend sometimes goes out to lunch with his ex, and he doesn't tell me about it. I feel this might be a red flag, not necessarily because of the specific situation, but because it shows he is perfectly capable of lying, even if by omission. Please help me gain some perspective.
posted by neblina_matinal to Human Relations (52 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend has been doing lunch with his ex at about a once every three months rate ever since we started dating. They had been together, very on and off, for about 6 years. When we started dating, they'd been broken up for a little over a year, and as far as I know not really seeing each other.
A couple of days ago a mutual friend told me she's seen them together at lunch a couple of times - he isn't aware he was seen. She told me about it expecting me to know it already, which I obviously didn't.
I know I need to talk to him about this, obviously, but unfortunately we've been having a very busy couple of days, including a house guest which leaves us with no adequate time for this conversation.
The thing is, I can't turn it off in my head he lied to me. He could have easily told me they were occasionally seeing each other in a friendly way, and then mention it when it happened, as he does everyday with every other person he goes out with, be it male or female.
But in my head right now I can only think that even if this is one of those cases where he just didn't tell me because it's meaningless and he didn't want to bother me with the "ghost of the ex", it still exemplifies he can lie by omission and be perfectly cool with doing that, and I don't know how to deal with it.
Am I over-reacting? Is it weird I'd feel okay about him doing lunch with a girl friend and not necessarily mention it, but I see doing lunch with the ex in a completely different light? And yes, I do know I need to talk to him, but I need to figure this out in my head first.
I feel apprehensive because of the lying, on the one hand, and very hurt it is more important for him to pursue a friendship with his ex than it is to be true and honest with me on the other. At the same time, I'm not sure if I'm being overly dramatic. Maybe the not telling me falls under the "little white lie" department... Maybe he doesn't feel omitting is lying. I'm just confused. Please help.