One's company, two's a crowd, and three's a party?

September 5, 2009 7:55 PM

How do threesomes stay balanced?

Recently, I have had reason to ponder the dynamics of a 3-way. My main question is how to keep the action going without leaving anyone out. Being the third wheel, I have fears that I will be left to my own devices in a corner, weeping silently. What are some tips to make this a successful endeavor? What kinds of discussion should be held beforehand? Are there any common pitfalls to avoid?

I am a gay male and would be primarily hooking up with male couples.

posted by HotPatatta to human relations (21 comments total)

To answer your headline question--they don't. Do you know of any stable, long term threesomes? Gay, bi, other? I don't. I don't know of any. Not one.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:02 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]

To answer your headline question--they don't. Do you know of any stable, long term threesomes? Gay, bi, other? I don't. I don't know of any. Not one.

I think he's just talking about hook ups, and staying balanced within the hookup (not a relationship or whatever). That said, I have no experience in this area.
posted by kylej at 8:06 PM on September 5

There are plenty of them, but your question would be directed better at Dan Savage, who gives advice on lots of sexual conundrums. :D
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:09 PM on September 5

HotPatatta, there are plenty of potential landmines to navigate if an established couple invites you to join them in bed, but you being neglected is not one of them.
posted by roger ackroyd at 8:12 PM on September 5 [4 favorites]

To answer your headline question--they don't. Do you know of any stable, long term threesomes? Gay, bi, other? I don't. I don't know of any. Not one.

I do. But I live in happy hippy poly SF Bay Area. *shrug* It seems to take an insane amount of dialogue and communication. And quite a bit of luck. But my friends seem to be spectacularly happy.

The best advice I've read concerning threesomes is this: It's not just one relationship, it's four. A+B, B+C, A+C and A+B+C.
posted by mollymayhem at 8:15 PM on September 5 [2 favorites]

Take turns. Don't rush. And watch porn for ideas.
posted by rokusan at 8:16 PM on September 5

To clarify, I am not looking for a three-way relationship, but instead a casual encounter. Thanks!
posted by HotPatatta at 8:37 PM on September 5

I assume we're just talking about hookups. If you want polyamorous advice, there are a plethora of books and columns out there. But I do think the upthread observation is true: a fulltime menage a trois relationship is a very difficult dynamic to maintain. I think it does probably work much better with samesex groups, though, than it does with heteros.

But what seems to work more often, and can often last for quite a while, is that an established couple takes a "toy". This is not an equitable relationship, mind you. It can be fair, safe, and fun, with nobody getting hurt... but it's not really bringing in another partner. It's just a standing agreement for hookups.

Being the third wheel, I have fears that I will be left to my own devices in a corner, weeping silently.

Nope. No chance in hell. You're the novelty. You're the point of the threesome. You're the night's entertainment. You'll likely be involved in the vast majority of sex acts during the evening, unless you are particularly interested in watching them do it. Hope you have some stamina and quick recovery time.

Often, somebody's in the middle: taking it in the ass and sucking cock. Then you switch. [My personal favorite, but that's neither here nor there.]

Likewise, it's fun for one member of the couple to watch their man fuck another dude. It's like porn, but you love the star. And then they switch.

It's also fun to just be a fuckmoppet for a while, with your ass in the air as each of them fucks you until they're tired. Then you switch.

Personally, I like being presented with two cocks to suck. I'll either alternate back and forth, or (try to) suck both at once.

If your ass is in good shape, you can even try double penetration: that would be two dicks in one ass, obviously. This is more difficult to achieve than one in a snatch and one in an ass, but it's entirely doable. I'd save it for later in the evening, after everything's all loosened up.

Watch some porn. Three dudes is almost as versatile as two dudes and a woman for variations of sex acts. And definitely way less boring than 2 or 3 chicks.

It helps if everybody's vers... or at least that there's only one strict top.
posted by Netzapper at 8:41 PM on September 5 [3 favorites]

To answer your headline question--they don't. Do you know of any stable, long term threesomes?

Yes. And they don't even live in the Bay Area. One trio had been together nine years when I met them.

As for more casual hookups, I reckon the communication rule applies, with as much of the communication happening before things get going as possible. Also, if you're hooking up with couples, then in my experience (not mine-mine, but from what guy friends have told me), you won't end up weeping in the corner, because you're the new! exciting! guy, not the I-know-him-like-the-back-of-my-hand-boyfriend. But yeah, ask Dan Savage, or search his archives for hints.
posted by rtha at 8:46 PM on September 5

Volunteer to be "lucky Pierre."
posted by torquemaniac at 9:05 PM on September 5 [1 favorite]

The big risk is not that you're going to feel ignored, it's that one of the guys you're playing with is going to feel ignored.

That's not really your problem — I mean, they're the ones who are dating each other, you just went home with them, it's hardly your job to make sure they both feel loved and valued and blah blah blah. But it's something to keep an eye out for. There's couples who go for a three-way because they both think it's hot, and there's couples who go for a three-way because they need distracted from their problems, and you want to go home with the first kind if you can help it.

Also, yes, communication.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:06 PM on September 5

Just have fun and go with the flow and be willing to accept less than perfect result--just like the first time you had sex. If you don't like it, just don't do it again.
posted by kathrineg at 9:53 PM on September 5

Don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash i.e. if you're thinking that you'll wind up in the corner, silently crying, during threesome, you're probably not ready for one.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:12 PM on September 5 [2 favorites]

It depends on a few things...are you hot? are you young? are you wanting a older couple? are you wanting to bottom for two men? are you wanting to top two men?
If you are a young hot guy who wants to bottom then it'll be easy for you to find two studs to abuse you sexually....if you'll a manly top stud then check out craigslist and it will be easy to find two guys that will let you abuse them sexually...and the abuse could go on for hours....have you seen any gay porn at all....either way it's easy in the gay world to set up a sleazier hook-up...in fact the sleazier, the easier to successfully complete....the fact that you ask such a question tells me that you shouldn't be doing such activities...did you ever see that episode of Futurama where time keeps skipping forward, and all Bender wants to do is become a Harlem Globe Trotter? He finally realizes that he could never be a Harlem Globe Trotter, because deep down he knows he isn't hip enough to be a Harlem Globe Trotter. You are not hip enough for a three-some.

As for the actions, and motions, it's the same as regular sex.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 11:08 PM on September 5

Have you seen the movie Shortbus? There's a scene in there where three guys go at it. It looked pretty inclusive and workable. In fact, one of the plot points was that a participant in the threesome was sort of an outlier.

I'm not sure how fateful to reality is it, and I'm not gay, but if I had to have a gay threesome, I'd have it like that.
posted by Mons Veneris at 2:37 AM on September 6 [1 favorite]

For a hookup (which is what this sounds like?), things are much simpler. You don't have to balance things emotionally, you don't have to make sure that everyone gets the attention and love and care they need. You have to get picked up, brought home, and have your brains fucked out. You're the star attraction, man! You *are* the threesome! Your problems will be less 'weeping in a corner' and more '...aw, fuck, do we have another bottle of lube?'

You'll be fine, sweetheart.
posted by kalimac at 3:36 AM on September 6

I'm not sure if you are asking about the mechanics, or something else. But just in case it's the mechanics, here's a good list of threesome positions, with photos of modeling dolls doing the deed. In all of them, at least one of the dolls is a female, but it's not hard to imagine that the female is a male and the mechanics part of everything would still work out fine. Nobody is in the corner weeping, except maybe Caitlain.
posted by Houstonian at 4:04 AM on September 6

you won't end up weeping in the corner, because you're the new! exciting! guy, not the I-know-him-like-the-back-of-my-hand-boyfriend.

I think this is pretty accurate. This isn't about you pushing your way into an existing sexual relationship, it's about being drawn (if temporarily) into one.

Any sex can be surprising in good and bad ways. Really, there's just as much opportunity for silent weeping as there is in any other sexual encounter. Being open to experiment ought to mean being prepared to win some and lose some without taking it too personally. You learn as much from your failures as from your victories, but it's all just data. Relax and trust your senses and instincts. Part of the fun of reaching beyond the norm is your ability to make of it whatever you will.

As for during, in threeway sex there seems to be less time spent hovering over any particular act between two particular people; there are so many variables, and a lot of constant shifting to enjoy as many of them as possible. There are times when you might actually want to retreat, just to watch or catch your breath or get a drink of water, and it's sort of nice to be able to do that without bringing everything to a dead standstill the way you would if you were just having sex with one other person. It's common to be more attracted to one half of a couple than the other, but don't go through with this unless you're at least somewhat attracted to both people.

When it comes to discussions beforehand, other than relevant STD information I don't think there's anything in particular that's important -- chances are, they're not trying to date you. This makes it a little easier to go with the flow. If there's anything concerns you have or anything you don't want to do, though, there's no harm in being up front about it.

To answer your headline question--they don't. Do you know of any stable, long term threesomes? Gay, bi, other? I don't. I don't know of any. Not one.

I know this isn't what you were asking, but I want to chime in and say, excuse me? I know several.
posted by hermitosis at 6:45 AM on September 6

Also, I just looked at the link in Houstonian's comment, and while that's a perfectly acceptable list of positions, it is mostly geared toward penetrative sex, and that is frequently something that couples (gay or otherwise) avoid during three-way hookups. There's just more risk and more diligence and emotional association involved in penetrative sex, and some prefer to keep it within the confines of their relationship. (If this isn't the case, they probably won't be shy about letting you know.)
posted by hermitosis at 6:50 AM on September 6

Also, remember that a lot of people get off on watching, especially people who are into threesomes, and especially if what they are watching is their significant other getting kinky with somebody new.

Time wise, a big part of many threesomes involves two people engaged in a standard sex act with the third person very close, just caressing, kissing, and maybe touching themselves. Don't think for a second that this means anybody is left out.
posted by 256 at 7:24 AM on September 6

YES to absolutely everything Netzapper said, it's awesome -- minus that mean, gratuitous slam to us queer ladies -- "And definitely way less boring than 2 or 3 chicks." If anything, "2 or 3 chicks" are *the* most versatile and creative configuration. Just saying.
posted by crawfo at 7:05 AM on September 7 [1 favorite]