I go to an all boys high school and have never dated anyone before. Help!
September 4, 2009 11:16 PM Subscribe
I am in high school. I go to an all boys' school and am a senior. It's been a great school, with the exception being that there are no girls. I have always had a little trouble socializing, and though I have many friends at school, I have never even made out with a girl, let alone had sex. Obviously, Penthouse Letters, pornography and masturbation have satisfied my needs to a certain extent, though not entirely. There are plenty of kids at my school who are like me, but how will I be thought of in college?
I want a real relationship in which I love somebody, not just sex.I live in Texas and am thinking about applying to UT or A&M. Is there any place in Dallas where I could potentially meet some girls and get some? I mean, I think a big part of it is that I would feel masculine. I can imagine sticking my drill into a woman as I became a man and she became a woman. Or if she wasn't a virgin, to experience a new level of femaleness. I know it's a multi-part question, but do any of y'all have any advice?
By the way, I have smoked pot and drank with some friends before and been to some parties, but no luck yet. I can only talk to people that I already know, especially if they're girls, and especially if I want to do anything with them.
I want a real relationship in which I love somebody, not just sex.I live in Texas and am thinking about applying to UT or A&M. Is there any place in Dallas where I could potentially meet some girls and get some? I mean, I think a big part of it is that I would feel masculine. I can imagine sticking my drill into a woman as I became a man and she became a woman. Or if she wasn't a virgin, to experience a new level of femaleness. I know it's a multi-part question, but do any of y'all have any advice?
By the way, I have smoked pot and drank with some friends before and been to some parties, but no luck yet. I can only talk to people that I already know, especially if they're girls, and especially if I want to do anything with them.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Advice? Yeah. Any woman who is worth yoUr time won't bother with you unless you lose your penchant for saying "stick your drill" into a woman.
posted by dfriedman at 11:26 PM on September 4, 2009
posted by dfriedman at 11:26 PM on September 4, 2009
Best answer: think a big part of it is that I would feel masculine. I can imagine sticking my drill into a woman as I became a man and she became a woman. Or if she wasn't a virgin, to experience a new level of femaleness. I know it's a multi-part question, but do any of y'all have any advice?
Yes. For gods sake stop reading Penthouse Letters and thinking that porn is like real life. Jesus Christ! "Sticking my drill into a woman as I became a man"?
I want a real relationship in which I love somebody
That's more like it! Er, I mean it's perfectly fine to want to get laid without having to fall in love first, but here you're talking like somebody mature enough to actually be in a relationship. In the other part you're, well, let's just forget you ever said the other part okay?
Really, my advice is to stop with the Penthouse and such for a while as it appears to be giving you the wrong idea. Lots of people might think something like what you posted but if you feel comfortable actually posting it in public it probably means you're not on the right track sex and relationship-wise.
posted by Justinian at 11:27 PM on September 4, 2009 [7 favorites]
Yes. For gods sake stop reading Penthouse Letters and thinking that porn is like real life. Jesus Christ! "Sticking my drill into a woman as I became a man"?
I want a real relationship in which I love somebody
That's more like it! Er, I mean it's perfectly fine to want to get laid without having to fall in love first, but here you're talking like somebody mature enough to actually be in a relationship. In the other part you're, well, let's just forget you ever said the other part okay?
Really, my advice is to stop with the Penthouse and such for a while as it appears to be giving you the wrong idea. Lots of people might think something like what you posted but if you feel comfortable actually posting it in public it probably means you're not on the right track sex and relationship-wise.
posted by Justinian at 11:27 PM on September 4, 2009 [7 favorites]
Best answer: When I was in High School, the idea of my getting laid seemed about as remote as my flying to the moon propelled by my own farts. Impossible. Then a couple weeks in at school, I already managed to hook up with a girl, and by January I lost my virginity. By the time I graduated college, I was with a girl who later became my wife. It's a very different ball of wax.
Just stop thinking in power tool metaphors and masculinity and becoming a woman and such. It's gonna be you and a girl you like who decides she likes you too. Hell, the first few go-rounds, it might just be some girl who decides she likes you just for the night. Just don't make yourself crazy by heaping all this added importance onto it. Take it slow, take it easy, and don't get too hung up on any one girl like she's the last chopper out of Saigon. Girls respond to people who are easygoing, fun to be around, and who like themselves enough to be liked by others. I tried the simpering puppydog act. Doesn't work. (I'm not saying you were going to do that, but it's a trap that a lot of guys fall into.)
So take a breath, enjoy the fact that college is an insane amount of fun, make some friends, and pick up some game from those who know better. And one thing they'll tell you is this: Guys who do well with women get rejected more than anybody. The fear of it is WAY worse than the actual thing. Like they say in Dune: Fear is the mind killer. That's totally true with women.
posted by Doctor Suarez at 11:31 PM on September 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
Just stop thinking in power tool metaphors and masculinity and becoming a woman and such. It's gonna be you and a girl you like who decides she likes you too. Hell, the first few go-rounds, it might just be some girl who decides she likes you just for the night. Just don't make yourself crazy by heaping all this added importance onto it. Take it slow, take it easy, and don't get too hung up on any one girl like she's the last chopper out of Saigon. Girls respond to people who are easygoing, fun to be around, and who like themselves enough to be liked by others. I tried the simpering puppydog act. Doesn't work. (I'm not saying you were going to do that, but it's a trap that a lot of guys fall into.)
So take a breath, enjoy the fact that college is an insane amount of fun, make some friends, and pick up some game from those who know better. And one thing they'll tell you is this: Guys who do well with women get rejected more than anybody. The fear of it is WAY worse than the actual thing. Like they say in Dune: Fear is the mind killer. That's totally true with women.
posted by Doctor Suarez at 11:31 PM on September 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm really embarrassed
posted by bookman117 at 11:40 PM on September 4, 2009 [12 favorites]
posted by bookman117 at 11:40 PM on September 4, 2009 [12 favorites]
Do you go to Jesuit? I figure you do since you wrote "Dallas" and "all-male high school." If that's the case, I would caution the people who commented above that our fine OP is living in an echo chamber of sorts. No one has probably told him any of this before, so coming down hard isn't really deserved.
OP, you are fine. Everyone, with few exceptions, is shy about meeting new people. Some people cover it up with false bravado, others simply clam up and say nothing. Your outlook on life is skewed because you are missing the interpersonal relationships that come with having to navigate a transition into and out of puberty without the "fairer sex" being around you. Yours is further compounded because, I assume, you go to a rather well-off private school in Dallas and are around only people who, by and large, are just like you.
You do not need to go searching for sex or love. Both of these will find you once you have become more confident in yourself, and that takes practice. It takes getting rejected by girls--even those you are very interested in--and simply having some life experiences. If you want a different kind of fun, but still with people your age, go to Denton. Try hanging out on the square, at Marie's, or just on the blocks surrounding UNT (or TWU, but it's not as lively over there). There's always something going on up there, so you might try that for a change of pace and to experience being around people who don't know you and, frankly, you may never see again, so you can "try out" being yourself with little fear of long-term embarrassment.
Good luck!
posted by fireoyster at 11:43 PM on September 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
OP, you are fine. Everyone, with few exceptions, is shy about meeting new people. Some people cover it up with false bravado, others simply clam up and say nothing. Your outlook on life is skewed because you are missing the interpersonal relationships that come with having to navigate a transition into and out of puberty without the "fairer sex" being around you. Yours is further compounded because, I assume, you go to a rather well-off private school in Dallas and are around only people who, by and large, are just like you.
You do not need to go searching for sex or love. Both of these will find you once you have become more confident in yourself, and that takes practice. It takes getting rejected by girls--even those you are very interested in--and simply having some life experiences. If you want a different kind of fun, but still with people your age, go to Denton. Try hanging out on the square, at Marie's, or just on the blocks surrounding UNT (or TWU, but it's not as lively over there). There's always something going on up there, so you might try that for a change of pace and to experience being around people who don't know you and, frankly, you may never see again, so you can "try out" being yourself with little fear of long-term embarrassment.
Good luck!
posted by fireoyster at 11:43 PM on September 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Hey, don't be embarrassed. You asked a question, and none of us know who you are outside of a username on a green-colored website. I live in the Dallas area as well; we might be neighbors for all either of us knows, but we've never spoken. Congratulations for having the courage to actually ASK the question that's on your mind.
Ask Metafilter is the best feature ever.
posted by fireoyster at 11:45 PM on September 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
Ask Metafilter is the best feature ever.
posted by fireoyster at 11:45 PM on September 4, 2009 [2 favorites]
I was really an ass in what i said
posted by bookman117 at 11:46 PM on September 4, 2009
posted by bookman117 at 11:46 PM on September 4, 2009
I was really an ass in what i said
Hey, don't feel too bad. You've realized this before you're even out of high school. You're way ahead of the curve.
posted by whoaali at 11:51 PM on September 4, 2009 [10 favorites]
Hey, don't feel too bad. You've realized this before you're even out of high school. You're way ahead of the curve.
posted by whoaali at 11:51 PM on September 4, 2009 [10 favorites]
Nope, you're a teen-aged male. That's a subspecies of human renowned for doing and saying things that sound dumb. Better to do it here than to a girl you're trying to woo, no?
posted by fireoyster at 11:53 PM on September 4, 2009
posted by fireoyster at 11:53 PM on September 4, 2009
Well, I wouldn't be stupid enough to say that in front of a girl.
posted by bookman117 at 11:56 PM on September 4, 2009
posted by bookman117 at 11:56 PM on September 4, 2009
Anyway, I wish I could delete that part. Just focus on the rest.
posted by bookman117 at 11:56 PM on September 4, 2009
posted by bookman117 at 11:56 PM on September 4, 2009
how will I be thought of in college?
Different people think different things in college, just like anywhere. There will be tons of people in your same boat. There will be people who are in your same boat but put on some kind of false act. There will be people with more experience than you who are cool with the level of experience you have. It all depends on the crowd you choose to associate yourself with.
If you're asking how to be thought of as good in bed, by girls? Not to be a broken record, but the Penthouse/porn thing also jumps out at me as something you should NOT look to as any kind of guide or instruction manual. Frankly, when I see the sex in most mainstream porn, my thoughts range from "That would be really boring" to "That would be really uncomfortable/painful."
The way to be thought of as good in bed is to take the time to find out what each individual girl likes. Go slowly, experiment, ask questions, pay attention, etc. The great thing about this is that even a guy with much more experience than you is on more of an even footing, because he's never been with *this* particular girl before.
I can only talk to people that I already know, especially if they're girls, and especially if I want to do anything with them.
My advice for getting over this is to have smaller goals. It puts so much pressure on you if your goal, even subconsciously is "say something so interesting/witty/unique that she falls in love with me and we end up having sex."
I think you should start with this goal: Say one thing to her and then walk away.
Example: Girl is standing next to the keg at a party. You, walking by: "How's it going?" You continue walking by and go somewhere else. Success.
Once you successfully complete this you could move on to this goal: You say something, she says something back, and then you say one more thing. Then walk away.
Eventually you will work yourself out of that shyness, I think.
I want a real relationship in which I love somebody, not just sex.
I think you are on the right path with this. Good luck!
posted by Ashley801 at 11:58 PM on September 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Different people think different things in college, just like anywhere. There will be tons of people in your same boat. There will be people who are in your same boat but put on some kind of false act. There will be people with more experience than you who are cool with the level of experience you have. It all depends on the crowd you choose to associate yourself with.
If you're asking how to be thought of as good in bed, by girls? Not to be a broken record, but the Penthouse/porn thing also jumps out at me as something you should NOT look to as any kind of guide or instruction manual. Frankly, when I see the sex in most mainstream porn, my thoughts range from "That would be really boring" to "That would be really uncomfortable/painful."
The way to be thought of as good in bed is to take the time to find out what each individual girl likes. Go slowly, experiment, ask questions, pay attention, etc. The great thing about this is that even a guy with much more experience than you is on more of an even footing, because he's never been with *this* particular girl before.
I can only talk to people that I already know, especially if they're girls, and especially if I want to do anything with them.
My advice for getting over this is to have smaller goals. It puts so much pressure on you if your goal, even subconsciously is "say something so interesting/witty/unique that she falls in love with me and we end up having sex."
I think you should start with this goal: Say one thing to her and then walk away.
Example: Girl is standing next to the keg at a party. You, walking by: "How's it going?" You continue walking by and go somewhere else. Success.
Once you successfully complete this you could move on to this goal: You say something, she says something back, and then you say one more thing. Then walk away.
Eventually you will work yourself out of that shyness, I think.
I want a real relationship in which I love somebody, not just sex.
I think you are on the right path with this. Good luck!
posted by Ashley801 at 11:58 PM on September 4, 2009 [1 favorite]
Well, I wouldn't be stupid enough to say that in front of a girl.
Hey, there may come a time where that is exactly the thing to say to a woman. But that's the kind of thing that works best with experience, you know?
All of us people who are not virgins, we used to be.
Speaking as a woman, I can tell you that when I was college-aged, I also wanted to fall madly in love and have glorious movie-sex. It didn't always work that way, but I learned some things and I assume my partners learned some things and now I'm a grown-up married lady who knows a whole lot of things, and that's how it's supposed to go. You don't learn it all and then go out and use it, it's a play-as-you-go scenario. Some of it is embarrassing and lame and some of it is awesome, some of it is meaningful and some of it is best left forgotten.
You're going to do a lot of things that you'll laugh about years later over margaritas. You're going to do things that are so precious that you'll never speak of them again. But you can't really plan any of them, they're mostly just going to happen organically. Enjoy it.
posted by padraigin at 12:05 AM on September 5, 2009 [3 favorites]
Hey, there may come a time where that is exactly the thing to say to a woman. But that's the kind of thing that works best with experience, you know?
All of us people who are not virgins, we used to be.
Speaking as a woman, I can tell you that when I was college-aged, I also wanted to fall madly in love and have glorious movie-sex. It didn't always work that way, but I learned some things and I assume my partners learned some things and now I'm a grown-up married lady who knows a whole lot of things, and that's how it's supposed to go. You don't learn it all and then go out and use it, it's a play-as-you-go scenario. Some of it is embarrassing and lame and some of it is awesome, some of it is meaningful and some of it is best left forgotten.
You're going to do a lot of things that you'll laugh about years later over margaritas. You're going to do things that are so precious that you'll never speak of them again. But you can't really plan any of them, they're mostly just going to happen organically. Enjoy it.
posted by padraigin at 12:05 AM on September 5, 2009 [3 favorites]
Don't worry about sex or even dating-- just try to broaden your friends to include girls. Once you have some female friends, you'll be ready to have relationships.
posted by zompist at 12:10 AM on September 5, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by zompist at 12:10 AM on September 5, 2009 [2 favorites]
There's "grow up!" in a bad way and "grow up" in a good way. You should grow up in a good way, as long as you don't try and follow some kind of script that involves, well, you already know. So, if that involves burning or deleting everything that suggests a script, do that.
Your real question, I think, is "how do I learn to talk to people?", and that starts by having a sense of yourself that you feel confident enough to share without wearing a metaphorical mask. Start by focusing, perhaps, on the things that you value and you don't get the chance to talk about much at school, because it would embarrass you to share that part of yourself. At somewhere as big and broad-based as either UT or A&M, chances are that there's going to be someone who likes clog dancing or Russian novels or differential equations or model railways as much as you, and that someone may well be female.
posted by holgate at 12:22 AM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your real question, I think, is "how do I learn to talk to people?", and that starts by having a sense of yourself that you feel confident enough to share without wearing a metaphorical mask. Start by focusing, perhaps, on the things that you value and you don't get the chance to talk about much at school, because it would embarrass you to share that part of yourself. At somewhere as big and broad-based as either UT or A&M, chances are that there's going to be someone who likes clog dancing or Russian novels or differential equations or model railways as much as you, and that someone may well be female.
posted by holgate at 12:22 AM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Lots of people go to college without having had sex first. Also, lots of people who have sex in high school have lousy, embarrassing sex in high school. (Read up on other sex questions here on AskMefi to find examples!) Don't think of this as a be-all end-all of coolness or happiness or whatever. .
Also, try to get over some of your fear (or whatever it is) -- I've known guys from all-boys schools who feel like women are powerful aliens. (We're not.) I think this comes from not having female friends. So - don't wait until college to get female friends.
Find some activities now where you can be around girls to just make friends, casually, not in a creepy pressure-filled party "will we hook up?" context. You need to take active steps to get yourself into a place where you can just hang out with girls.
Is there a service club like Habitat for Humanity around you? Could you volunteer with some church or charity, or get into a co-ed sports league like ultimate frisbee? Could you do theater work (lots of behind the scenes work for techy people) that draws kids from different high schools?
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:23 AM on September 5, 2009
Also, try to get over some of your fear (or whatever it is) -- I've known guys from all-boys schools who feel like women are powerful aliens. (We're not.) I think this comes from not having female friends. So - don't wait until college to get female friends.
Find some activities now where you can be around girls to just make friends, casually, not in a creepy pressure-filled party "will we hook up?" context. You need to take active steps to get yourself into a place where you can just hang out with girls.
Is there a service club like Habitat for Humanity around you? Could you volunteer with some church or charity, or get into a co-ed sports league like ultimate frisbee? Could you do theater work (lots of behind the scenes work for techy people) that draws kids from different high schools?
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:23 AM on September 5, 2009
No need to embarrass you, sweetie darling. You'll be fine. You are acting your age, which is not a problem at all. In this case, that meant being flip about something and serious about it at the same time. Don't let AskMe's trademark fingerwagging give you a complex. You're obviously a thoughtful, sweet guy, who can be a little lusty and jokey at 18 years old. Uhhh, hello? WHAT A TERRIFIC sort.
Just use your head. You already know you have needs. Meet those yourself, so you'll be at your most reasonable best when you meet girls, and can FIGURE OUT WHETHER YOU LIKE THEM, OR LUST FOR THEM. (all caps to emphasize the chick-friend frustration I and most women have our whole lives with dudes who meet "this cool girl" who makes NO sense with them but is, shockingly, very hot.) But look, you're gonna be around way more girls than before, and in college... which means many of them will be all unreasonably frisky and drunky and goin' all wild compared to how even they were in high school. So yeah, you probably will wind up getting "into" girls who you aren't going to love. Probably. That, too, is okay and really not a problem. Roll with yourself. Mistakes and experience are pretty much the same thing, so try to welcome failure and not take it all too seriously. Boy, did I think it was the most serious thing ever at 18. Just try to remember that life is very, very long and your heart is very, very big. You might thing the whole thing is broken, but you can't even see the edges of it yet.
Find the girl who makes you like youself.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:30 AM on September 5, 2009 [10 favorites]
Just use your head. You already know you have needs. Meet those yourself, so you'll be at your most reasonable best when you meet girls, and can FIGURE OUT WHETHER YOU LIKE THEM, OR LUST FOR THEM. (all caps to emphasize the chick-friend frustration I and most women have our whole lives with dudes who meet "this cool girl" who makes NO sense with them but is, shockingly, very hot.) But look, you're gonna be around way more girls than before, and in college... which means many of them will be all unreasonably frisky and drunky and goin' all wild compared to how even they were in high school. So yeah, you probably will wind up getting "into" girls who you aren't going to love. Probably. That, too, is okay and really not a problem. Roll with yourself. Mistakes and experience are pretty much the same thing, so try to welcome failure and not take it all too seriously. Boy, did I think it was the most serious thing ever at 18. Just try to remember that life is very, very long and your heart is very, very big. You might thing the whole thing is broken, but you can't even see the edges of it yet.
Find the girl who makes you like youself.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:30 AM on September 5, 2009 [10 favorites]
I'm slightly more than twice your age.
For your information, I had sex for the first time when I was 16. It was my belief at the time that every boy I knew was getting laid. Later investigation proved that this was not true. In fact, many people, male and female, have not had sex at 18, at 20, at 25, or even at 30. A lot of them tell lies about it too.
It is not a thing you have to do to be a man. Being born with testicles was all you needed to qualify. Congratulations!
Furthermore, it was something of a disappointment. It was an anxious, fumbly, and somewhat drunk experience, with someone I didn't really know that well, and it didn't feel that good physically or emotionally. I think I would have been much better prepared for both those things had I not, like you now, been obsessed with the idea that this was some milestone I needed to pass. I realise that the idea you should just have sex with people you really like who also like you is somewhat of a cliche, but I will vouch that this particular cliche is grounded in truth.
As for how people will regard you in college: no one knows what you have done or not done unless you choose to talk about it. My advice is to follow normal hygiene practises, and kiss women who seem open to it when the spirit moves you, and events will lead you where you want to go. And don't talk about it for boasting purposes. A gentleman does not discuss these matters.
Your penis is not "a drill", and you do not "stick it in". Would you like to be drilled? Is there anything really arousing about sticking it in? No. For your own good, lay off the porn for a bit, and try to imagine having sex with someone who wants you, bookman117, rather than a mechanical fucking device.
The really good news is, when you're 40, this will not matter. Trust me. I know you don't, but if you can remember this, you should have a good chuckle about 20 years from now.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:07 AM on September 5, 2009
For your information, I had sex for the first time when I was 16. It was my belief at the time that every boy I knew was getting laid. Later investigation proved that this was not true. In fact, many people, male and female, have not had sex at 18, at 20, at 25, or even at 30. A lot of them tell lies about it too.
It is not a thing you have to do to be a man. Being born with testicles was all you needed to qualify. Congratulations!
Furthermore, it was something of a disappointment. It was an anxious, fumbly, and somewhat drunk experience, with someone I didn't really know that well, and it didn't feel that good physically or emotionally. I think I would have been much better prepared for both those things had I not, like you now, been obsessed with the idea that this was some milestone I needed to pass. I realise that the idea you should just have sex with people you really like who also like you is somewhat of a cliche, but I will vouch that this particular cliche is grounded in truth.
As for how people will regard you in college: no one knows what you have done or not done unless you choose to talk about it. My advice is to follow normal hygiene practises, and kiss women who seem open to it when the spirit moves you, and events will lead you where you want to go. And don't talk about it for boasting purposes. A gentleman does not discuss these matters.
Your penis is not "a drill", and you do not "stick it in". Would you like to be drilled? Is there anything really arousing about sticking it in? No. For your own good, lay off the porn for a bit, and try to imagine having sex with someone who wants you, bookman117, rather than a mechanical fucking device.
The really good news is, when you're 40, this will not matter. Trust me. I know you don't, but if you can remember this, you should have a good chuckle about 20 years from now.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:07 AM on September 5, 2009
And just to clarify, the reason I regret the anxious, fumbly, and somewhat drunk experience, with someone I didn't really know that well, is that I suspect that had I got together with someone I knew better and liked better, soberly, we would have done it more often, got more practise, and had a better time together, and that would have set a better course for the future. It'll work out anyway, so if you get hammered and wake up somewhere strange tomorrow, you're not doomed or anything. But as long as you're making plans, plan for something sensible.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:13 AM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:13 AM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
I suggest you make sure you have condoms available to you at all times. You never know when an opportunity may present itself, and you certainly don't want to be unprepared.
Good luck!
posted by marble at 1:34 AM on September 5, 2009
Good luck!
posted by marble at 1:34 AM on September 5, 2009
"I'm thinking about applying to UT or A&M"
These schools are entirely, completely, totally different animals. What are you going to study, and who do you want to be around for four years as you study it? At UT you get Austin, at A&M you'll get Bush Sr's library and thousands and thousands of Aggies. (Nothing wrong with that -- some of my best friends are Aggies, etc) What is your family history, where did your parents go to school? If they went to either of the above schools, and you want to really jam them up, go to the other one. The rivalry between these two schools, these two mindsets...
And check out TSU in San Marcos, a really sweet little campus, the San Marcus river running right through it, you get to study in your swim trunks, much better ratio teachers to students than either UT Austin or A&M; UT is actually a small city, I think 50,000 students (traffic changes totally when school starts each year, very annoying), A&M damn near as big. In the 90s TSU was THE place for guys to go, the ratio of women to men students was insanely great, and it's rep was a party school, but it's like a real college anymore, just kicked back.
Wherever you decide to go, make sure to visit ahead of time to get a sense of what you're getting into for four critical years of your life.
posted by dancestoblue at 1:46 AM on September 5, 2009 [2 favorites]
These schools are entirely, completely, totally different animals. What are you going to study, and who do you want to be around for four years as you study it? At UT you get Austin, at A&M you'll get Bush Sr's library and thousands and thousands of Aggies. (Nothing wrong with that -- some of my best friends are Aggies, etc) What is your family history, where did your parents go to school? If they went to either of the above schools, and you want to really jam them up, go to the other one. The rivalry between these two schools, these two mindsets...
And check out TSU in San Marcos, a really sweet little campus, the San Marcus river running right through it, you get to study in your swim trunks, much better ratio teachers to students than either UT Austin or A&M; UT is actually a small city, I think 50,000 students (traffic changes totally when school starts each year, very annoying), A&M damn near as big. In the 90s TSU was THE place for guys to go, the ratio of women to men students was insanely great, and it's rep was a party school, but it's like a real college anymore, just kicked back.
Wherever you decide to go, make sure to visit ahead of time to get a sense of what you're getting into for four critical years of your life.
posted by dancestoblue at 1:46 AM on September 5, 2009 [2 favorites]
I'm going to address the "how will people think about me being a virgin" part; I'm not a dude, but I think some of the basics are still the same.
Not only was a still a virgin when I started college, I hadn't even ever been kissed yet. The guy who ultimately became my first boyfriend was a little surprised at first, but ultimately more concerned that I was okay with the pace of things; the only other person who made a big deal of it was my roommate who read my diary and then gossiped about it, but everyone reacted to her gossip either by saying "....so what?" or telling her she was a bitch for reading my diary.
So -- honestly, you are probably the person who is most scandalized by the fact that you're a virgin. Everyone else has their own issues they're dealing with, and really aren't thinking about it as much as you think they are. If you bring it up to someone and they give you an odd look, the fact that you went to an all-boys'school will be enough of an "explanation", if you feel one is necessary. And if anyone does try to turn that into a load of gossip, a lot of people will think that says more about how tacky the gossips are than it says about you.
You're fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:26 AM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Not only was a still a virgin when I started college, I hadn't even ever been kissed yet. The guy who ultimately became my first boyfriend was a little surprised at first, but ultimately more concerned that I was okay with the pace of things; the only other person who made a big deal of it was my roommate who read my diary and then gossiped about it, but everyone reacted to her gossip either by saying "....so what?" or telling her she was a bitch for reading my diary.
So -- honestly, you are probably the person who is most scandalized by the fact that you're a virgin. Everyone else has their own issues they're dealing with, and really aren't thinking about it as much as you think they are. If you bring it up to someone and they give you an odd look, the fact that you went to an all-boys'school will be enough of an "explanation", if you feel one is necessary. And if anyone does try to turn that into a load of gossip, a lot of people will think that says more about how tacky the gossips are than it says about you.
You're fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:26 AM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Datapoint--I kissed a girl for the first time and lost my virginity all in one night, just before the end of my freshman year in college, about three months before I turned 19. Nope, had no idea what I was doing, but the woman was pretty experienced (I think she kind of sought out virgins to deflower) and things went amazingly well for the approximately 48 hours we were a couple.
posted by MrMoonPie at 4:37 AM on September 5, 2009
posted by MrMoonPie at 4:37 AM on September 5, 2009
Dude, the drill is only used in final assembly. Measure twice, cut once you know? Or don't they have shop class in all boys' high schools anymore?
Before you go whipping out the power tools, you need to learn to use the tape measure, the lathe, the finishing sander, and of course the hand saw. (A lot of hand saw, as you say.)
You'll also end up discarding a lot of unfinished projects, and getting more than a few bloody cuts yourself as you learn.
And since no one has mentioned it, don't forget that whenever you're working in the wood shop, you must wear safety . . . . glasses.
(Don't know what they teach in Catholic high schools, but in case they didn't cover this part, having sex is about making babies, not just growing up. Screw up just right and you could end up having to hock all your power tools just to make the child support payments.)
posted by fourcheesemac at 4:46 AM on September 5, 2009 [9 favorites]
Before you go whipping out the power tools, you need to learn to use the tape measure, the lathe, the finishing sander, and of course the hand saw. (A lot of hand saw, as you say.)
You'll also end up discarding a lot of unfinished projects, and getting more than a few bloody cuts yourself as you learn.
And since no one has mentioned it, don't forget that whenever you're working in the wood shop, you must wear safety . . . . glasses.
(Don't know what they teach in Catholic high schools, but in case they didn't cover this part, having sex is about making babies, not just growing up. Screw up just right and you could end up having to hock all your power tools just to make the child support payments.)
posted by fourcheesemac at 4:46 AM on September 5, 2009 [9 favorites]
Oh and . . . the best wisdom above from the point of view of a middle-aged guy who was 16 once?
You need women *friends.* Go engage in activities that get you out of the testosterone-soaked sauna that is your all-boys' school. I too went to an all boys' high school (in the UK). I didn't hang around there, or with those guys, when school was out. I played music, which gave me lots of opportunities to hang with girls my age outside of school. You need something like that -- sports, music, volunteering, anything -- that involves you in a fully co-ed (as they say) setting. Then, you just *relax* (I know, sounds easier than it is) and pay attention.
You will get laid. It will be awkward the first few times. You will fall in love. Your heart will get broken. You'll break hearts. Sex will become integrated with the other dimensions of your experience. All in good time. Be patient.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:04 AM on September 5, 2009
You need women *friends.* Go engage in activities that get you out of the testosterone-soaked sauna that is your all-boys' school. I too went to an all boys' high school (in the UK). I didn't hang around there, or with those guys, when school was out. I played music, which gave me lots of opportunities to hang with girls my age outside of school. You need something like that -- sports, music, volunteering, anything -- that involves you in a fully co-ed (as they say) setting. Then, you just *relax* (I know, sounds easier than it is) and pay attention.
You will get laid. It will be awkward the first few times. You will fall in love. Your heart will get broken. You'll break hearts. Sex will become integrated with the other dimensions of your experience. All in good time. Be patient.
posted by fourcheesemac at 5:04 AM on September 5, 2009
Regarding the drill, hey it worked for Tetsuo (but sadly, and importantly, not for his girlfriend).
But seriously, trying to find out about sex from films, books and magazines leads to many confused and muddled ideas. It's hard when you are growing up in a repressed and limited environment to learn properly about these things. As many are suggesting above, the best thing to do is to normalise things by trying to make friends with some girls. This will make them less the un-natural other, upon whom all sorts of weird and unrealistic ideas (including romantic love) can be projected. Probably parties aren't the best place to meet girls, unless you already know a few who are going to the party already. Just find something that you're even half-way interested in doing and there'll be some sort of group to join. Most of the young people who come along will be mostly interested in the social aspect anyway so it's not really important what group it is.
posted by Sitegeist at 5:57 AM on September 5, 2009
But seriously, trying to find out about sex from films, books and magazines leads to many confused and muddled ideas. It's hard when you are growing up in a repressed and limited environment to learn properly about these things. As many are suggesting above, the best thing to do is to normalise things by trying to make friends with some girls. This will make them less the un-natural other, upon whom all sorts of weird and unrealistic ideas (including romantic love) can be projected. Probably parties aren't the best place to meet girls, unless you already know a few who are going to the party already. Just find something that you're even half-way interested in doing and there'll be some sort of group to join. Most of the young people who come along will be mostly interested in the social aspect anyway so it's not really important what group it is.
posted by Sitegeist at 5:57 AM on September 5, 2009
In the age of increased awareness of STIs the fact that you are a virgin is a bonus for a lot of women so don't feel shy about letting potential partners know (it may open more doors than you expect).
posted by saucysault at 6:22 AM on September 5, 2009
posted by saucysault at 6:22 AM on September 5, 2009
You sound like lots of other male high school seniors. Never been laid, desperate for it, thinks his whole life will make sense once it happens.
In other words, you're doing just fine. Go to college and have fun.
posted by agentwills at 6:56 AM on September 5, 2009
In other words, you're doing just fine. Go to college and have fun.
posted by agentwills at 6:56 AM on September 5, 2009
As someone who probably went to the same exact high school on Inwood Road as you, my advice is to relax. If you are able to talk to people and form relationships (which Jesuit is good at instilling in you, you'll notice that a few years out of HS), college will be full of opportunity. And if you are going to Austin, you'll have lots of fun!
Don't you ever have a chance to talk to any Ursuline girls? Talk to them. They don't bite. Many of them are having the same questions and doubts as you.
posted by chillmost at 7:31 AM on September 5, 2009
Don't you ever have a chance to talk to any Ursuline girls? Talk to them. They don't bite. Many of them are having the same questions and doubts as you.
posted by chillmost at 7:31 AM on September 5, 2009
Buddy, I think most guys are virgins when they go to college. Don't believe everything you see on tv or read in a magazine.
Focus now on making friends with women and seeing women as people, not as sex objects. That last part? That's what will get you a girlfriend.
posted by canadia at 7:41 AM on September 5, 2009
Focus now on making friends with women and seeing women as people, not as sex objects. That last part? That's what will get you a girlfriend.
posted by canadia at 7:41 AM on September 5, 2009
Don't be upset with what you said. You are walking into a giant unknown, driven by a whole host of feelings you don't understand. You know you desperately want something but have no idea how to get it. There's nothing wrong with confusion and a few poorly chosen words--its par for the course.
It seems difficult now. You have no access to what you want and you don't know what is going to happen.
My advice for a situation like this is simple--trust. You were already built with this thing in mind--you have everything you need (I don't me the phsyical equipment). You will find that instinct will help you take over. If you want a little push, here it is:
Listen to what women are saying and respond to it.
Look women you are interested in the eye while you are conversing with them. Don't be overly intense, but a genuine smile and obvious interest is 90% of it.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:15 AM on September 5, 2009
It seems difficult now. You have no access to what you want and you don't know what is going to happen.
My advice for a situation like this is simple--trust. You were already built with this thing in mind--you have everything you need (I don't me the phsyical equipment). You will find that instinct will help you take over. If you want a little push, here it is:
Listen to what women are saying and respond to it.
Look women you are interested in the eye while you are conversing with them. Don't be overly intense, but a genuine smile and obvious interest is 90% of it.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:15 AM on September 5, 2009
Beware of STDs. Nothing will rust up your drill like herpes and gonorrhea, so I would be extremely careful about who you go to bed with, and be explicit about testing beforehand, even if you're using condoms.
Some people who have STDs (especially on AskMe) will claim that it's super common. It's not. So be careful, because there are people out there who have convinced themselves that nobody should mind getting an STD because, like iPods, everyone has it.
posted by anniecat at 8:55 AM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
Some people who have STDs (especially on AskMe) will claim that it's super common. It's not. So be careful, because there are people out there who have convinced themselves that nobody should mind getting an STD because, like iPods, everyone has it.
posted by anniecat at 8:55 AM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
To talk with a girl all you need to do is ask questions and then listen. Where are you from, what do you do like to do, etc. Make your goal at first just to have a conversation. When you find out what the girl likes to do, find a that kind of event (e.g. Theatre, art, whatever) and invite her. Here's a totally sexist tip. When you go out insist on paying. She'll be more likely to see you as more than a friend.
nthing that this will happen for you at college.
posted by walla at 8:58 AM on September 5, 2009
nthing that this will happen for you at college.
posted by walla at 8:58 AM on September 5, 2009
but how will I be thought of in college?
Well, according to this study, not as particlularly unusual. It claims that nearly half of freshmen are virgins.
posted by Neiltupper at 9:16 AM on September 5, 2009
Well, according to this study, not as particlularly unusual. It claims that nearly half of freshmen are virgins.
posted by Neiltupper at 9:16 AM on September 5, 2009
I'm in college now. When I started, the majority of my friends, males and females, were virgins. So was I. I had been kissed one time, and that was it. Within a semester I had gone on to kiss 5 more people and have sex with one.
College is DIFFERENT from high school. In high school, you still sort of feel like a kid. In college, everyone is out to prove that they aren't kids anymore.
The only advice I can give- as a former freshman girl- is to befriend girls. I never hooked up with guys at parties, I met them in classes or school clubs. (And then I hooked up with them.)
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:50 AM on September 5, 2009
College is DIFFERENT from high school. In high school, you still sort of feel like a kid. In college, everyone is out to prove that they aren't kids anymore.
The only advice I can give- as a former freshman girl- is to befriend girls. I never hooked up with guys at parties, I met them in classes or school clubs. (And then I hooked up with them.)
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:50 AM on September 5, 2009
katherineg said: You just have to find someone who likes deflowering guys but you need to expose yourself to lots of women to find one who will really take the lead. Well, not expose yourself like that (heh). You know what I mean.
I wish for you to enter college relaxed and not pressed about sex. Have fun and enjoy friendships with cool girls. It is not unlikely that you will meet and dig someone with more experience who will totally get off on blowing your mind and introducing you to all kinds of mad skills...
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 10:23 AM on September 5, 2009
I wish for you to enter college relaxed and not pressed about sex. Have fun and enjoy friendships with cool girls. It is not unlikely that you will meet and dig someone with more experience who will totally get off on blowing your mind and introducing you to all kinds of mad skills...
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 10:23 AM on September 5, 2009
Ok. Please quit referencing my stupid drill comment. Just stop it. Anyway, how do I get the mods to anonymize this question?
posted by bookman117 at 11:47 AM on September 5, 2009
posted by bookman117 at 11:47 AM on September 5, 2009
To be honest, bookman117, your account is fresh, your posting history almost zero, and your nickname not very unique or memorable. Just close up shop on this account and start a new one and no-one will be the wiser. All you lose is another $5.
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:23 PM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:23 PM on September 5, 2009 [1 favorite]
I just popped in to say what PercussivePaul just said. Your account is brand new with no posting history. This question has been made anonymous, but with all your followups still here I as type this, that doesn't mean much. You may request the question be deleted, especially since it appears your school has been identified.
View this as a learning experience, retire your current account and invest another $5 for a fresh start.
There's some good advice upthread though. Remember you're not the last virgin on the planet and most of your peers probably feel the same way you do. Awkwardness is natural in teenagers (OK in adults too). Relax, take it easy, view the females you meet as human beings. Things will progress and then you can post further questions anonymously or with your new account. Good luck.
posted by goshling at 7:16 PM on September 5, 2009
View this as a learning experience, retire your current account and invest another $5 for a fresh start.
There's some good advice upthread though. Remember you're not the last virgin on the planet and most of your peers probably feel the same way you do. Awkwardness is natural in teenagers (OK in adults too). Relax, take it easy, view the females you meet as human beings. Things will progress and then you can post further questions anonymously or with your new account. Good luck.
posted by goshling at 7:16 PM on September 5, 2009
My own impression is that at least half of all the people I went to college with were virgins when they started college, and considerably more than half of the people who went to single-sex schools were virgins, especially the heterosexual ones.
So you're the norm, not the exception, my friend.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:46 PM on September 5, 2009
So you're the norm, not the exception, my friend.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:46 PM on September 5, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
it's fairly difficult not to get laid, especially at a state college. go, make some friends, go to some parties, and it'll happen in good time.
posted by phredgreen at 11:20 PM on September 4, 2009 [30 favorites]