I am madly in love and don't know what to do. Should I tell her?

September 2, 2009 7:20 PM

I am madly in love and don't know what to do. Should I tell her?

I(28) met K(21) about 4 months ago. I was browsing a couchsurfing website and I came across her profile. I thought she seemed like a cool person so I shot off an email. Nothing happened for about 3 weeks when all of sudden I get an email from her. My window of travel had ended so I was just looking for someone to talk to at the moment. She was very up for the idea as she and I both wanted to talk about our travels or lack thereof lol.

We continued talking for a month and quite shockingly had extremely similar interests. We both enjoyed the same type of music, we both have very similar personalities, we both wanted the same thing out of life, we both named our first cat frisky (crazy similar). About this time another window of travel came about and I asked her if it would be ok for me to visit her home town. She was very much up for the idea and would show me around the place.

I showed up 3 months ago and we immediately hit it off. Both the tour and in the romantic department. I found out we were even more similar then I initially thought. I even joked that we were the same soul just sent out at different times. Slowly but surely I was falling for her. In the span of a week we had dated, kissed, and beyond. But towards the end she told me she was not interested in a relationship. =(. She told me she wanted more time to be alone since she was still getting over her past boyfriend. Needless to say I was completely shocked. Here we have such a great connection and all I get is no sorry I don't want you.

The last day involved a bunch of kissing and touring the town. It seemed like what she said before didn't really mean anything. But that could be because I was so blinded by love that I couldn't see anything else. She only initiated a kiss once but was happy to receive. Did I mention she is insanely shy?

So I got back to town thinking well she may not want a relationship but maybe I can turn her around or maybe we can be friends or I don't know all I want to do is get to know her even more. The latter was what guided most of my thoughts. I figured if she didn't want me she would just never talk to me again (easy to do when the only the only contact you have is email and a phone). But she again surprised me! She initiated contact again. I was so happy.

We have been talking 2 times a week (deep conversations) for the last 3 months and I can feel my love for her deepening every time I spend time with her (even if it is only through text and computer). I get ecstatic whenever she texts me and find myself waiting impatiently for her to text back whenever I send a message. I could seriously talk with her forever and never ever be bored it seems.

One problem is that she doesnt seem to initiate text anymore. I feel like I am always the one initiating contact (she does on occasion though but its mostly me). This isn't like 5 texts a day though its about one or two a week. Online conversations happen whenever we both happen to be online and usually go till 230 am. Phone talking completely stopped after the first week, because she stopped returning my calls. I told her to call me more but she never does. She seems happy with IM though. I am wondering if this is a sign of disinterest or pushing me away. But then again our online conversations go great. Another thing is that she she won't respond to my texts sometimes, like at all. She has told me she is pretty flakey.

Another problem is I told her I think about her all the time and really want to know her more. This feels to me what stopped the phone conversations. And as such I have felt to play things really sloowwwwllly for fear of scaring her away (my greatest fear).

So now I am at the point where she is seriously in my head every waking day. I think about her all the time (at least once a day). I picture our time together. I remember the funny quarks she has. I feel completely in bliss when I know she smiles or laughs. I would give her anything this world has to offer. I even (gasp) see being in the future together (how is yet to be determined). In other words I completely in love. And this love is something I have never in my life experienced. I have dated around but no one has ever made me feel "whole" like she does. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life infact. She lets me be everything I am and still be ok and I provide the same for her (at least I hope so!).

But again I am afraid. Afraid that if I tell her I love her and what I state above she will think me a nut and stop all contact together (remember, in my mind telling her I think about her stopped her calling me).

I really don't want to lose her but at the same time I feel like I am forcing myself to contain this super wave of love which she is probably not ready for (and quite frankly I am not sure I am ready for that either).

I took me 3 years to admit to my first girlfriend that I loved her. K has done this in a month and a half. Yes I know we moved wayy to fast but what can I say? the heart wants what the heart wants.

So what do I do? We will hopefully be meeting again in the future (I have yet to ask yet as I am scared of what the answer will be but she has hinted that she would like to see me again). Do I play it cool and causal like I have been for 3 months? Do I say I love her and put all my cards on the table? How can I fight this urge to tell her there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her? Should I just get over her? arrggh I am so confused.

posted by Takeyourtime to human relations (27 comments total)

I told her to call me more but she never does. She seems happy with IM though. I am wondering if this is a sign of disinterest or pushing me away.

Another problem is I told her I think about her all the time and really want to know her more. This feels to me what stopped the phone conversations.

She doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. She likes you, but doesn't want to lead you on - good on her. Now you have to decide whether you can deal with that or not. If you can't, then you need to stop contacting her. Let it go for your sanity and hers - it will not end well. If you can deal with waiting (maybe forever) then it's your call, but I really recommend just taking your lumps now and getting it over with. Sorry.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:29 PM on September 2

Here is a possibility: She doesn't particularly want to be in a long distance relationship.

She might be more interested in her friends who are actually there with her that she can go out to eat with and see movies with and go out and have fun with. She may even have some other boy that she is getting interested in there. Or maybe she just actually wants to take it slow after breaking up with her old boyfriend and getting into things so fast with you was a mixture of exhilarating and anxiety-inducing, because she doesn't want to have to worry about getting attached so fast and have the possibility of being hurt again.

This does not mean that there is anything wrong with you, or that she doesn't like you, or yadda yadda. I would probably suggest not telling her you're crazy crushing for her, because it can make it really painfully awkward for her if she doesn't reciprocate, which can very well lead to her trying to taper off contact. Maybe there's a chance for the future, maybe there isn't. Maybe you'd be an option if you lived in the same town. I can't really know, but with the way things are going, confessing all seems like it could do more harm than good. Trying to get over her is probably the best option, for your general sanity and well-being. Being head-over-heels for someone who isn't reciprocating is always more pain than anything else.
posted by that girl at 7:33 PM on September 2

Do not tell her you love her.

What you should say:

"Hey BlahBlah, I really love spending time and talking, and making sweet love down on the heath with you. I know last time you said you weren't up for a relationship, I was wondering if you might be more open to to the idea?

It's just that I think you're fantastic, and find myself wondering what the patch behind your ears smells like at different times of day, and those aren't really thoughts you should entertain about a friend.

If you're not up for anything, I understand but we're gonna have to ease up on the calls/emails/sweet, sweeeeet love down by the fire, because it's playing with me emotionally too much."

Reading between the lines - beware. People a) tend to say what they mean and b) love a nice ego booster when they've had a break up, but not a soul mate. 21 can be very young in relationship terms, they don't necessarily follow best practice if you know what I mean.
posted by smoke at 7:37 PM on September 2

One problem is that she doesnt seem to initiate text anymore. I feel like I am always the one initiating contact (she does on occasion though but its mostly me).

Another problem is I told her I think about her all the time and really want to know her more. This feels to me what stopped the phone conversations.

She thinks you're needy, and that's not a turn on. She wants to be just friends lol.
posted by jayder at 7:37 PM on September 2

She's not interested. Sorry to be so direct, but someone has to, since she isn't. There could be many reasons she's not interested, but interested people occasionally return phone calls (even 50% of the time!). Interested people respond to texts, and are thinking of you enough that they initiate conversations, whether on the phone, via text, or IM.

But she's just not all that interested in you. And she's trying to tell you so indirectly by just distancing herself from you.
posted by arnicae at 8:09 PM on September 2 [10 favorites]

Ironically whenever I act the least interested is when she acts the most interested. Grrr.
posted by Takeyourtime at 8:19 PM on September 2

The ball's in her court. You've made yourself pretty clear. If she doesn't hit it back, then you're out of luck. You have 3 things against you here: her recently ended relationship, her age (big, big difference in outlook between 21 and 28), and distance. If will and patience could win hearts, none of us would be alone.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:24 PM on September 2

I gotta tell ya, as 38 year old male who's been in those situations before but is now married, I wish I had left alone every single female who I was in this situation with. Rather than pining over them and wondering "What if, what if" I could have been getting over them and moving on to someone who really was interested in me. That heart may want what it wants, but sometimes life just don't give a damn.

Tell her you're falling for her, but out of respect for yourself and her, you're going to pull back for a bit and you'll call her when you're more in a friend mode with her. Then do that and whatever the hell else you need to do to get her out of your system, go a few dates, find someone else you like and then give her a buzz if you're ok with being friends. If you're not, then don't call her and she'll just have to be one you chalk up to bad timing.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:31 PM on September 2 [10 favorites]

I think many of us have been in your shoes, but what it really sounds like is that you have built up this "relationship" in your mind to the point where you are not seeing the reality of it.

Whatever you had when you visited was a fling. She is not interested in having a relationship with you. The reason your telling her you think about her all the time made her stop returning your calls is that it freaked her out because she does not want to have a relationship with you. Not answering your calls or calling you back is her blowing you off, regardless of occasional texts or IM conversations.

I would also venture to say that your interest in her sounds downright creepy at this point. A 21 year old is in a MUCH different phase in life than a 28 year old (or at least they SHOULD be). I think that when I was in my early 20's, if a guy in his late 20's kept calling and IMing and texting me, after I told him outright that I had no interest in a relationship, and didn't get the hint after I stopped returning his calls, I would be creeped out. You should be the more mature person here .... respect her wishes and either be a platonic friend or be honest with yourself about not being able to do that and leave her alone. If she was interested in you, she would let you know.
posted by tastybrains at 8:32 PM on September 2 [1 favorite]

Ironically whenever I act the least interested is when she acts the most interested. Grrr.

That isn't irony, that's a game and remember what happens in a game, someone wins and someone loses. I got $12 and some change that are pegging you for a particular side, guess which one?

All this back and forth, the playing it cool, the acting uninterested and then she acts interested? It's bullshit and games and drama. Find someone who wants to play the game of "Which one of us is going to put on clothes to go get some food" and your heart will be much happier.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:36 PM on September 2 [23 favorites]

Let it go. I know this feeling, and I know what it's like to be the person who's not reciprocating.

Infatuation is a really powerful feeling and you've got to cut it off with her to get your head back in order. If somehow you are just not communicating right, she will let you know but there is no way to force someone to feel something they don't.
posted by lackutrol at 8:38 PM on September 2

Doesn't initiate contact or return phone calls; sometimes doesn't respond to texts.

Sorry, but it really sounds like she isn't that into you. People who are interested don't behave that way.

Also, this: "not ready for a relationship right now" is complete bunkum. That changes in a flash, as soon as they meet somebody who presses their buttons, even if the "not ready; just gotta sort out some shit" model is what they honestly believe about themselves.

(as often as not, though, it's just a convenient way of letting people down lightly).

So, no, do NOT tell her that you're in love with her, planning a future together, or thinking about her all the time, or any of your other symptoms that you mentioned.

The best you might hope for is to back off, and maybe she might come around over time, but right now, it doesn't sound like her heart's in it at all.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:38 PM on September 2 [7 favorites]

No one has ever made me feel "whole" like she does.

This is a problem. You shouldn't be relying on a fun-but-flaky 21 year old to make you feel 'whole'.

Spend some time finding yourself. When you can feel whole without needing a girl to fill the gap then you are ready for a grown-up relationship. Good luck, and enjoy the journey.
posted by Conductor71 at 8:47 PM on September 2 [5 favorites]

Oh my god, grow up. This is akin to her being "madly in love" with a 14 year old she's met in person once and has "deep" im conversations with. There is nothing real there; it is a child's game. Tell her whatever you want, but for god's sake don't pretend like this is a serious declaration of anything.
posted by shownomercy at 8:51 PM on September 2

Ironically whenever I act the least interested is when she acts the most interested. Grrr.

She likes talking to you on IM, as a friend. Then you get all schmoopy lovey dovey and she pulls back. Then you fake pulling back and she thinks, "Hmm, maybe he IS okay just being friends. Yay!" Then you take that as a sign of interest, act interested again, she pulls back... on and on it goes.

She's already told you she doesn't want to date you. It's not surprising that she's most comfortable with you when you're acting least interested in dating her.
posted by heatherann at 8:52 PM on September 2 [5 favorites]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know she wants (and wanted) only a friendship but my brain chemicals had their own ideas. This post is exactly the cold water splash I needed.
Thanks.
posted by Takeyourtime at 9:08 PM on September 2

I've been in this situation a lot. She isn't interested. The sooner you start the grieving process, the sooner you'll be over it.
posted by Foam Pants at 9:09 PM on September 2

My opinion, without reading the rest of the thread:

1. Having her in your head every waking day, thinking about her all the time, fantasizing about her? That's not love, that's infatuation. It's chemicals affecting your brain in a way that's very similar to doing hard drugs. And infatuation always ends. Within months, not years.

You find out whether you love someone or not, by seeing how you feel about them AFTER that drug of infatuation has worn off.

2. You don't know her that well. Yes, I know about all the all night conversations lasting until 2 a.m. Trust me, I've been there: it doesn't matter. At all. You need to observe a person, IN person, for a long time in order to truly get to know them.

3. It sounds like she's pulling away from you. You already knew that yourself. So why does she keep reaching out to contact you? I think it is to have you there as a backup option. That, or she just likes your attention. Or she's bored. Or lonely. I hate to be this harsh, but it does not sound like she is that into you. Why did she kiss you in the first place? My guess is that she had a crush on who you were online, but she just didn't feel the chemistry in person. I agree with UbuRoivas that "not ready for a relationship right now" is just something people say to people they're not that into. It's like people who say they don't believe in marriage and then get engaged to the next person they date. It doesn't mean she's necessarily lying, she might even believe it herself, but I would bet my bottom dollar, if she meets a guy she's really into, she will be suddenly ready for a relationship.

4. Should you tell her all of your feelings? I don't think it will help or make her more into you. At the same time, I do not think NOT telling her will make her more into you. I think if you would be relieved to tell her, you should, and if you would be embarrassed and hurt if she never spoke to you again or withdrew even more, then you shouldn't.

5. My unasked for advice: Try to wean yourself off of thinking, fantasizing, and talking to this girl like you would wean yourself off of being addicted to drugs. Or if you would just go cold turkey off of drugs, go cold turkey off of this girl. Not allowing yourself to obsess over her is even more important than not allowing yourself to talk to her.

I think you should find another girl, a girl who is just as into you as you are into her. And next time, I would be careful about not letting my feelings get this far ahead of where the other person's feelings are.
posted by Ashley801 at 9:09 PM on September 2 [8 favorites]

Oh AskMeFi - why had I not discovered you during the many situations like this I've found myself in?

You've already picked them as good answers, but I will nth them. It may not be that she isn't into you at all, but she isn't into you enough to warrant risking any of your emotions or serious effort and time on. The whole 'wanting what she can't have' bit is a game, man. Maybe she wants to be friends. Maybe she just wants the attention. But in either case, don't pursue this woman romantically. It won't end well.

When you find yourself in a situation where you're wondering if the affection is mutual - abandon ship. There's nothing wrong with flirting and kissing and having some fun together, but chasing something that just isn't will turn into the search for the fountain of youth.

Sorry man. But it's not a bad thing. It's way more awesome to want someone who wants you just as much.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:13 PM on September 2 [1 favorite]

Did I mention she is insanely shy?
Insanely shy women don't invite strangers to sleep on their couches and bang boots with them less than a week after first meeting. As others have mentioned, this was a fling. On that last day she felt like you were getting too involved and started pulling back. You're at a safer distance now so she'll occasionally chat, but anytime she feels your clinginess, she pulls back again. Take the hint now to prevent major future heartbreak.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:24 PM on September 2 [1 favorite]

IF what everyone else says is true, that she is just not that into you, then rather than walk away, why not tell her you love her and see what her reaction really is? She will either say she is so glad you said that or tell you to not contact her again. Same result as wlaking away, but you never find out.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:26 PM on September 2

Here we have such a great connection and all I get is no sorry I don't want you.

People can connect as friends. The other explanation is that the 'connection' is merely your feelings for her.
posted by mippy at 2:20 AM on September 3

WOW. Other people have already given you really good answers, so I won't repeat what they're saying. But I would like to expand a bit on them a bit, and point out some things you may or may not be considering.

First, making someone "whole" and being in someone's thoughts all the time - essentially, being made the centre of someone else's inner world - is scary, especially when you are 21 and the person infatuated with you is 28. It's not that relationships with age differences can't work, but at 28, your life is probably in a very different place from hers right now - more financial stability, etc.; at 21, not many people are in that same boat, and their relationship needs reflect that.

Second, you say this is the first time you've ever really felt "in love", so it's understandable that you may feel kind of swept away, but a lot of what you're saying sets off some red flags for me, like:

"Here we have such a great connection and all I get is no sorry I don't want you."

Feeling a connection with someone does not entitle you to complete reciprocity, just like the fact that she knocked boots with you for a week and still chats with you does not entitle you do disregard her stated needs with:

"So I got back to town thinking well she may not want a relationship but maybe I can turn her around"

The correct response to "no" from a lady is not "oh, you'll change your mind, just wait". The correct response is to respect her "no". This also counts for "no, I don't really want a relationship". I know that in romantic movies it NEVER goes this way, but in the real world, relationships evolve along a timeline of longer than 90 minutes, and going to a lady's house in the middle of the night to blast Peter Gabriel songs below her bedroom window after she tells you she's breaking up with you is referred to not as "romantic", but as "stalking". Don't be that guy - I've dated that guy, and he's pretty creepy.

If at some point her situation changes and she decides that she is ready for a relationship with you, I PROMISE that whether or not you were respectful of her boundaries when she needed space will matter.
posted by ellehumour at 7:48 AM on September 3 [1 favorite]

"1. Having her in your head every waking day, thinking about her all the time, fantasizing about her? That's not love, that's infatuation. It's chemicals affecting your brain in a way that's very similar to doing hard drugs. And infatuation always ends. Within months, not years.

You find out whether you love someone or not, by seeing how you feel about them AFTER that drug of infatuation has worn off.

2. You don't know her that well. Yes, I know about all the all night conversations lasting until 2 a.m. Trust me, I've been there: it doesn't matter. At all. You need to observe a person, IN person, for a long time in order to truly get to know them."

Quoted for truth.
posted by tdismukes at 7:53 AM on September 3

Ironically whenever I act the least interested is when she acts the most interested. Grrr.

What Brandon Blatcher said. Seriously, I favorited it. He's right, its a game, and its bullshit.

But it can also be won.

Next time she contacts you, you need to be busy. "Sorry, can't talk right now, running out the door to meet a friend." And it shouldn't be a lie either.
posted by allkindsoftime at 8:30 AM on September 3

He's right, its a game, and its bullshit.

But it can also be won.

For values of "win" that don't include "she will decide she really wants to be in a relationship with you."

Playing hard-to-get with someone who isn't that interested in you might make you feel like less of an ass, but it isn't going to get them interested in you.

I have been on the other side of this desk so. many. times. You like someone, you think they're fun, you might even want to have a fling with them, but you don't want a serious romantic relationship with them. Which you tell them, very clearly.

But they are convinced they can win you over, so they pretend that it's cool and they're enjoying your friendship and then suddenly they're all 'BUT I LOVE YOU' and you're all 'Sorry, I don't feel that way. Maybe we should stop talking?' and they're all 'No, friendship is cool' and then the whole thing goes on again until you wind up having to say 'Look, we can't talk any more because this is really painful for both of us, for different reasons, and I wish you all the best in the world but never talk to me again' and everyone is sad.

Don't do that. Keep the memory of this fun fling with this interesting though flaky person as a cool memory, and move on.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:54 AM on September 3 [1 favorite]

This may be a little harsh, but I felt like adding something about the non-responded texts, which might throw some light on the situation.

You know how you get that tingle when a text (or IM or email etc) arrives from her? Or how you feel a slight hit of disappointment if an SMS turns out to be from somebody else, like one of your guy friends?

Guess what? She doesn't get that same buzz. At all. Otherwise she'd respond.

Imagine her sitting about watching TV, or perhaps chatting with her friends. Your text arrives, she glances at it, thinks "oh, it's Takeyourtime" and gets right back to whatever she was doing. If the text is longer than a single screen, chances are she doesn't even read the whole thing. She might not even bother opening it. And even if she is doing something absolutely crucial at the time & cannot be distracted, there's no mental note to reply, no "shit, I wish this task were over so I can answer..."

You, on the other hand, would probably respond even from your own mother's funeral, am I right?

I'd suggest you visualise her reaction to your messages, as described above. It'll help conceptualise exactly why you're barking up the wrong tree.

But it's not so bad, as others have said. You deserve to be with somebody who wants you as much as you want them, and the sooner you move on from this situation, the sooner you'll find that kind of awesomeness.

(Just remember that home delivery solves the dilemma of who needs to put on clothes to get food)
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:47 PM on September 3