Is not getting adopted a dis?

September 1, 2009 9:11 AM

How big a deal is it not to be adopted by a step-parent?

I was raised by my father. My stepmother never adopted me. I have met others who were adopted by step-parents, and as an adult I now want to get some idea of how common this is, and whether I should take this as an indicator of how close my stepmother wanted our relationship to be.

The question is prompted in part by this FPP, which got me thinking about the situation again.

We are not close now, and it would not really feel appropriate to ask her about this, which I guess is an indicator too, but I want a bit of outside input about how commonplace stepparent adoption is to help me get some insight into the situation (I am not so close to family in general).

posted by anonymous to human relations (33 comments total)

In order to be adopted by a step-parent, at least in my state, either the natural parent must relinquish his/her parental rights or the state must terminate them involuntarily (which can only be done in circumstances of neglect, abuse, abandonment, etc.). Were either of those a possibility in your case?
posted by HotToddy at 9:19 AM on September 1 [1 favorite]

Child of divorce here, not adopted by step-parents, even though I was very close to both. I don't personally know any other step-child who was adopted by step-parents. I believe it was more common if biological parent was no longer alive, as most living parents would not want to give up parental rights to step-parents.
posted by raisingsand at 9:21 AM on September 1 [1 favorite]

My dad adopted my stepbrother because my stepbrother's biological father was dead. My own stepfather never adopted me, but I'm closer to him than I am to my biological father.

Apart from the case of my stepbrother, I've never run into a case of step-parental adoption. It seems pretty rare.
posted by majick at 9:25 AM on September 1

I was raised by my step dad and he never adopted me. As far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter one bit. He was my Dad, he loved me and fed me and made sure there was a roof over our heads.

The steps who I saw adopting were usually in some sort of custody battle where it was legally to sever the non custodial parent's rights and granting parental rights to the stepparent, and like raisingsand said, rare.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 9:27 AM on September 1

Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's

in this case I mean, unless there was some distinct tangible benefit to adopting you, what would the point be? The symbolism? I suppose if you were enamored of legal descriptions. To me, the reality of your step-mom's mothering means a lot more (good or bad) than what some legal clerk in Sector 7G of the YOURSTATE FAMILY COURT would file it under.

My dad was my step dad. What's more, after he and my mother split, he continued to treat like his own son. It was absolutely not even close to being on my radar that he didn't adopt me through the courts. He adopted me in spirit and reality. Who cares what the DMV (oops I mean family court) thinks?
posted by ian1977 at 9:34 AM on September 1

Not adopted by any step-parent. To me, adoption was more of a legal issue than an indicator of how they felt about our relationship. Get along great with step-dad, but never expected him to adopt me.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:35 AM on September 1

I think fairly unusual--I know a lot of step-families and am part of two myself, and I've only heard of this happening once. Even my cousin, whose birth father disappeared a month after she was born, was not adopted by the only man she ever knew as a father (he started dating my aunt before my cousin was a year old. He included a ring ceremony for her in their wedding, but never legally adopted her).

I don't think it's a dis at all. It's a legal action that it usually taken for reasons listed above, and I think very rarely has anything to do with the level of closeness a stepparent wants with their stepchildren. I mean, if you're not close to the family who did have legal custody of you, why would you think that your stepmother adopting you would make you closer?

If you want a close relationship with someone, you don't need a legal judgement to make that happen. Particularly if you grew up with your stepmother--I grew up with my mom and stepfather, but I would not say "my mother raised me". I would say "my parents (or my mom and stepdad) raised me". This indicates to me that you feel she never accepted you or wanted to be close to you, which is too bad. But I don't think her adopting you would have fixed it, nor do I think that her NOT adopting you is either a cause or a symptom.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:36 AM on September 1

I didn't have any step parents, so this is only observation, not experience. But, I've heard of step fathers adopting step children, but not so much step mothers.
posted by marsha56 at 9:41 AM on September 1 [1 favorite]

My youngest brother was 9 when my parents got divorced - it was a pretty toxic and contentious situation and he was exposed to the worst of it, owing to the fact that he was at home for more year than the rest of us. Because my father was the custodial parent, my brother spent most of the time with him and his 2nd wife, and subsequently the relationship between my brother and our mother deteriorated. Our mother is still very much alive, and has never lived more than 30 miles away from my youngest brother.

A few years ago I heard that at the age of 29 he decided to be adopted by his stepmother, apparently as an expression of contempt for his mother. Of course, he was too chickenshit to tell our mother about this, and to this day she has no idea that that he was adopted by his stepmother. My brothers and I have elected to not tell our mother about this because we're not interested in causing unnecessary suffering, and because none of us really understand why he did it in the first place.

I'm not sure whether his feelings for his mother were the sole motivation for doing this - as far as I know he didn't pay for it (my father and his 2nd wife did). My feeling is that it was both bizarre and pathetic to be doing this at 29 as a way of saying "fuck you" to someone. Given the remarkable degree of hatred my father and his wife have for my mother, I suspect that it was a group "fuck you" to my mother, although I'm not sure what prompted it. Moreover, I found his (their) lack of desire to tell our mother that he was doing this to be cowardly and weak. That reinforced for me the feeling that his doing this - while his biological mother was alive - was more a manifestation of profound psychopathology than any desire to "be closer to" his stepmother (who, not long thereafter, moved about 1000 miles away with my father).

Anyhow, if your biological mother is not alive, has abandoned you, and you feel some compelling need to "formalize" for legal purposes, the state of the relationship between you (as an adult) and your stepmother, then it seems harmless enough. However, if you're not close now, I can't see how a court decree would change that. Telling your stepmother that you're inerested in a closer relationship, if that's the case, to the point of contemplating adoption, may be more productive (and less expensive).
posted by scblackman at 9:44 AM on September 1

My step-dad (my mother is his third wife) adopted his second wife's son from her previous marriage. Son's bio-dad gave up his rights. So it happens.
posted by greta simone at 10:08 AM on September 1 [1 favorite]

I've never met anyone who was formally adopted by a step-parent and I'm pretty sure I've never even heard of anyone who was either. It's easy to see the idea as being completely inappropriate and also just plain unnecessary in many cases.

If she didn't abuse and torment you as a child then I'd just take that as a sign she had good intentions toward you? Some piece of paper is really neither here nor there...
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 10:17 AM on September 1

It's not a dis. That said, if you have a good reason to have your stepmother explicitly legally classified as your adoptive parent (for next of kin, etc. purposes), it makes sense to do it. It's not necessarily an expression of contempt for your mother (if she is alive), but rather a prioritization of your legal relationship to your stepmother over your legal relationship to your biological mother. If, in some hypothetical situation in which a parent is making legal or medical decisions for you, you'd prefer that it be your stepmother, she should adopt you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:19 AM on September 1

My dad did not legally adopt his second wife's daughter as doing to would require tracking down the absentee biodad and likely going through all sorts of B.S. getting that deadbeat to agree to terminate his parental rights (apparently he had pulled the same stunt over getting the divorce papers signed). Mom wanted absolutely no more of that guy.
posted by jamaro at 10:21 AM on September 1

I don't think it's a big deal, but if it really bothers you maybe you could ask your dad.

My step-dad didn't adopt me; neither did my dad's wife (I am loathe to give her any other title, which pretty much explains how we feel about each other). In step-families, I think everything has to do with attitude over formalities. I would gauge your step-mother's feelings for you by what she did instead of what she didn't do. Perhaps she left the adoption issue alone out of respect for your mother or maternal family?

See, I would never call my dad's wife by the title "step-mother" because I don't like her and am reluctant to make any kind of familial connection. But I lump my step-dad under the title "parents" when talking about him together with my mom. He calls me and my sister "our daughters" although he never adopted us and we both have relationships with our dad. My mom calls my step-brothers "his sons" because there is more animosity there than among me, my sister, and our step-dad.

If it makes you feel better, some states are starting to treat step-children as natural children for the purposes of probate. :)
posted by motsque at 10:24 AM on September 1

Child of divorce here too. My stepdad didn't adopt me (thankfully, for oh so many reasons), I was not close with him, and I was not close with his biological children.
posted by chez shoes at 10:27 AM on September 1

Neither of my step-parents adopted me, nor was there any discussion of even possibly doing so. This turned out to be a fine thing in my case, since both step-parents became ex-step-parents before terribly long. And don't even get me started on the ex-ex-step-parent.

I knew plenty of kids with step-parents, and I know of none who were formally adopted by the step-parent -- so it seems to me to be a really uncommon thing.
posted by Pufferish at 10:27 AM on September 1

If you have a living mother, it would be pretty unusual for you to be adopted by someone else.
posted by theora55 at 10:53 AM on September 1

I have a friend that was not adopted by his stepfather though he pressured him to do so. It had nothing to do with feelings, and everything to do with what the stepfather felt was appropriate. Don't take it as a sign...
posted by xammerboy at 10:54 AM on September 1

When my dad married my stepmother, she didn't adopt me, nor did he adopt her children. He walked my oldest stepsister down the aisle when she got married because she considered him her "real" father, but there was never any need to make it a formality in a legal sense.

My mother remarried four times, and none of her husbands ever adopted me, thank goodness.

The only people I've known who were adopted by stepparents were very young children whose other bioparent was deceased.
posted by amyms at 10:55 AM on September 1

I was adopted by my step-father. My biological father was still living, but he was messed up enough that, in a moment of clarity, he realized he should just relinquish his rights to me. After I was officially adopted, I saw my biological father a few more times in very awkward, uncomfortable, and downright horrible supervised visits... But then he got even more messed up and is now completely excised from my life. I haven't known for about 15 years now if he's even still alive, and I am perfectly happy with this situation. I was adopted, not because of any special relationship between my new legal father and me but, instead, because everyone involved just wanted there to no longer be any sort of relationship between my biological father and me.

Of course, my adoptive step-father was kind of a jerk. Well, no -- he's not a bad person, he just wasn't that great a husband or father. He and my mother divorced several years after he adopted me. I feel sorry for him, given that it meant he was still financially and legally responsible for me. Oh well.

Then my mom re-married, this time to an awesome, awesome man. This is the guy I call my "step-father," but he is the person I think of as my honest, true father. He entered my life fairly late in my development, but, even so, he managed to raise me, to make me a better person, to give me a better life. I love this guy. All the same, he's not my legal father, but he is my father.
posted by Ms. Saint at 11:08 AM on September 1

My parents divorced and remarried, as did the parents of many of my friends. As far as I know, none of the step-parents adopted the step-children. I never saw it as any kind of value judgment either way. I assume that adoption is not the norm for step-parents. It sounds like you have a pretty firm idea of where you stand with your step-mother already, and (lack of) adoption shouldn't change that.
posted by paulg at 11:52 AM on September 1

My brother adopted his step daughter - I believe he said it was possibly because his (now) wife didn't put a name on the birth certificate under 'father' and the child's father had no active role in her upbringing. That had to be proven in court, and the guy never bothered to show up.

This is all second hand info, so I may not have the whole story.
posted by caveat at 12:14 PM on September 1

I can't speak to this question from personal experience, but:

HotToddy: In order to be adopted by a step-parent, at least in my state, either the natural parent must relinquish his/her parental rights or the state must terminate them involuntarily (which can only be done in circumstances of neglect, abuse, abandonment, etc.).

This. The details do vary from state to state, but "[i]n all States, the birth mother and the birth father hold the primary right of consent to adoption of their child" in the absence of an involuntary [court-ordered] termination of parental rights (link -- you may also be interested in reading up on ASFA).

In addition, many states also have laws requiring the adoptee to consent as well if they're "older" (variously defined in the 12-14 range). This may have presented a pretty significant psychological obstacle for your caretakers.
posted by Doofus Magoo at 12:19 PM on September 1

I adopted my son. Even though biological dad wasn't in the picture at all - nor had he ever been - it was still a complicated and expensive process. Lawyers, public notices, court dates. We did it for a couple of reasons - symbolically, it seemed like the right thing to do. He is my son in every sense of the word. Legally, it gives us some level of protection if something ever did happen to my wife.

He's never, ever been referred to as my step-son. It was our choice from the start, and I don't see a reason to do it any other way - I completely understand it is different when the other parent is still around.

That being said, it definitely is not the norm.
posted by shinynewnick at 12:42 PM on September 1

My mother and father made me, during the first marriage for each. They divorced when I was very young, and I spent most of my childhood with with my mother (seeing Dad every other weekend, and every other Wednesday evening). They both remarried soon after.

When I was around 2 years old, my mother remarried a man with no children. A few years into their marriage (when I was in grade school), he began to express a desire to adopt me. My stepdad was super cool and I loved him, but this didn't happen, the logic here being:
- I was old enough to know what was going on
- I didn't really care one way or another. Both dad and stepdad were A+ super-cool guys in my book
- My father was vehemently opposed to the idea

When I was around 6 years old, dad married a woman with three young daughters (2 preschool age, 1 baby -- different fathers). He adopted them, but the logic here seems to be that:
- He genuinely wanted kids around since I rarely there
- The girls were young
- None of them had properly bonded with their biological fathers
- The biological fathers weren't opposed

Despite the fact that he and my mother divorced a few years ago, my (now) ex-stepfather considers me his son and I still consider him to be one of my dads. These days I have far more contact with him than than either of my biological parents. The "officialness" is irrelevant, but will be relevant as he gets older and has very little legally-recognized family. To combat this issue he made a point of explicitly naming me in the will, giving me power of attorney over him, etc.
posted by adamk at 1:52 PM on September 1

My brother-in-law adopted his stepson as soon as he could after marrying my sister-in-law. The kid's father was never in his life and gave up parental rights without any fuss whatsoever. At some point in my nephew's life (right around puberty if memory serves me correctly) that information messed with his head a bit. But then he realized that he got the best part of the deal - my brother-in-law as his dad.

My mother never adopted my half-brothers, because they had a mother who was in their lives. She and my dad had primary custody but she felt that their mother was their mother and she was their step-mother. They called her by her first name (never "Mom") but my mother was a better mom to them than their own, biological mother. They'll say the same thing. My middle brother actually told me once that if he had to make a choice in a "burning building" situation, he'd save my mother before his (she's NUTS, to say the least, and was abusive). And my oldest brother credits most of his success in life to my mother's guidance and love.
posted by cooker girl at 2:03 PM on September 1

My father raised my brother (his stepson) and even was appointed my brother's guardian, but never formally adopted him mostly because I think going through the procedure was arduous and really wasn't necessary. However, now that we're all adults it's difficult because my father wants my brother to have legal decision making authority for him if the need arises (e.g. power of attorney, etc.) and he has to be very careful about having this arranged in formal documents because they no longer have any legally recognized relationship.
posted by bananafish at 2:21 PM on September 1

I haven't explicitly discussed stepparent adoption with most people I know who had divorced parents, but for whatever it's worth, my default assumption based on no particular data but just picked up at some point from the other, is that stepparents usually do not adopt barring some unusual circumstance.

By way of personal anecdata... I was not adopted by my stepfather, by my own choice. I was asked a few times during my childhood and early adulthood whether I would like to be adopted. It was always clear to me that my stepfather would have been very happy to adopt me had I wanted it. I did not, and as an adult I have no qualms about that choice. I do suspect if he'd ever asked me directly (all these conversations were between my mother and me), I would have said yes just to avoid the awkwardness of turning him down face-to-face. My biological father was a very distant part of my life and I would guess he would have been fine with signing over parental rights, but I don't know whether my mom and stepfather went as far as investigating that, or were checking my interest level before looking into the legalities.

My partner, by way of contrast, was adopted legally by his stepfather. I'm not sure how old he was, but I'd guess under 10. From what I know of his family, I have a vague impression that his mother was probably ashamed to have had a child outside of marriage, quite possibly figured he was doomed to eternal hellfire unless she got him legitimized, and pushed the adoption by way of avoiding the hellfire and whatever social stigma she felt.
posted by Stacey at 5:16 PM on September 1

I have a step-parent, and so does my boyfriend. Neither of us were adopted by said step-parents. Come to think of it, no one I knew growing up who had step-parents -- and there were plenty of us -- were adopted by them.

I've only heard of it fictionally-speaking, and then only when one's parent has died and the widow(er) has remarried. Though I have no doubt this happens in real life with or without the death.

Incidentally, my boyfriend's dad did die, but his mother's new husband did not adopt him. I don't have the particular details as to why that decision was (not) made, though.
posted by asciident at 6:25 PM on September 1

There are many "step" relationships in my family and no one, save one, has been adopted.

When my brother's youngest step-son was about to be married, my brother adopted him. Since my nephew was a legal adult there was no need to get his biological father involved. He'd also been using my brother's surname since he was a young boy and considered my brother to be his father. They were both happy to make it official and my nephew thought it was the greatest gift ever.
posted by deborah at 8:47 PM on September 1

My grandmother had one son with her second husband; after the husband died, she married again and had my dad. My grandfather adopted my dad's big brother. This was in the fifties. I've never known of anyone else who did this--although maybe I just don't know of anyone who's talked about step-parent adoption.
posted by Neofelis at 3:37 PM on September 2

Just as a data point, my parents divorced when I was very young. I was raised by both in joint custody. Both remarried at one point or another and there was never even any talk of adoption that I was aware of.
posted by lackutrol at 9:10 PM on September 2

I am late to this thread, but I just wanted to say that I've never even heard of adopting step-children as a normal occurrence. After my mom died when I was a child, my dad married my stepmom when I was 11. Over the years we have become quite close, and she has always referred to both me and my stepsister (her biological daughter) as "her daughters". This was (eek) almost 20 years ago, so maybe conventions are changing, but I do not think it is any indicator of relationship with your step-parent. I'm still close with my stepmom so I'll ask her what she thinks, because this is interesting.

If it is a dis, someone's getting cut off my Christmas list this year. :-P
posted by tastybrains at 1:05 PM on September 4