Help us get in the swing of things

August 27, 2009 12:05 PM

My significant other and I have started introducing swinging to our marriage and need some advice.

We were inspired by this question, but we are not looking for polyamory with long term relationships, but merely by spicing up our current relationship by bringing others into our bed. We have had some experiences, and then took a break from it for a bit. We now are looking to get more into it and are hoping to find some advice.

We are not looking to sleep with different people every weekend, we are looking to make friends with folks that we would enjoy hanging out with, and basically have "couples friends with benefits". But how do we find likeminded people? Our searches on sites like AdultFriendFinder.com have not turned up anyone with whom we click in our area (it may be a problem with us living in the midwest but having a bit of an erudite attitude...not so into hunting, tractor pulls, etc. and a LOT of the people on AdultFriendFinder, no joke, have pictures of themselves in Wal Marts...).

We have even gone to a couple swinger's parties and met some couples who were nice enough but those devolved into orgies at the end of the night, which isn't exactly what we're looking for here...

Next, we are looking for any tips and suggestions to keep our communication open and as we figure out where we go from here. I've seen the book "The Ethical Slut" recommended, does that apply to swinging or just polyamory?

Anyone who doesn't want to reply in public can email us at the throwaway [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (11 comments total)

In my view The Ethical Slut is about being honest with yourself and your partner(s). It's just as relevant to monogamous couples as it is to poly ones.
posted by jet_silver at 12:46 PM on August 27 [1 favorite]

You might find the expressly alternative adult websites have more worldly people..
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:03 PM on August 27

Friends of mine in the lifestyle have indicated that AFF is a total waste of time and have suggesetd swinglifestyle.com. Anecdotally they seem to have a fair amount of success ;)
posted by ish__ at 1:05 PM on August 27

Are you kinky at all? The BDSM scene would be a good starting place to find erudite midwesterners into FWB type situations. We're not in the swingers scene but I do have BDSM contacts. If you're in Chicago/Milwaukee and don't know where to start looking for people, drop me a line via mefimail. If you don't want to out your username, my gmail's in my profile (I think, or I'll put it there).
posted by desjardins at 1:26 PM on August 27

Craigslist often works quite nicely.

Also, you have friends, right? You might try "converting" one of those couples. It's certainly a delicate conversation to have, with lots of hinting and backing and filling. But it's probably your best bet if you care about actually being real friends with your fuckbuddies.

I don't know what major city you're near, but I promise it has a swingers club. Maybe not a publicly advertised one like a big coastal city would, but it exists. Here're some listings for Chicago. Here are a shit-ton for Missouri, including Kansas City and St. Louis (as well as a bunch of locales I didn't expect). How 'bout Minnesota? Really, just google "$state_or_city_name swingers club".
posted by Netzapper at 2:46 PM on August 27

We have even gone to a couple swinger's parties and met some couples who were nice enough but those devolved into orgies at the end of the night, which isn't exactly what we're looking for here...

Another advantage of the BDSM scene, if you decide to follow desjardins' recommendation, is that there are kink events where everyone keeps their clothes on. No playing, no sex, sometimes (this varies) not even any serious cruising, just casual mingling and meeting people. Of course, some of the people who meet at these events do wind up boinking later on — that's one of the reasons for attending — but they're free to do it in the privacy of their own homes, without that orgy vibe that you're complaining about.

Google "CITYNAME munch."
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:35 PM on August 27 [2 favorites]

Is there a Renaissance Festival in your vincinity? Do you think it might be fun to go? It's an open secret that they're total cruising grounds for poly/swinger/open relationships.

Yes, i know whereof i speak.
posted by desuetude at 7:32 PM on August 27

Be a Pagan. Go to Pagan festivals. You'll fit right in. (I'm a Pagan of the non-swinging variety and hub & I are considered a bit odd for it.)
posted by cuddles.mcsnuggy at 8:26 PM on August 27

I recommend Opening Up instead of The Ethical Slut. Or maybe in addition to?
posted by darkshade at 8:48 PM on August 27 [1 favorite]

The swinger and BDSM communities do overlap, but only somewhat, and usually only out of convenience. For example, the party for our local group is usually held simultaneously with the party for the local swinger's group. They get the upstairs and we get the downstairs. Every now and then someone from one party will wander up or down the stairs to check out the other party, and look around with a kind of guarded curiousity.

Swingers and kinksters tend to be quite different in terms of culture and philosophy. If you're interested in swinging, and only swinging, I suspect you might feel out of place at a munch or BDSM party. However, they may be able to tell you what other kinds of alt sex groups can be found in your area.
posted by dephlogisticated at 9:16 PM on August 27

If you're interested in swinging, and only swinging, I suspect you might feel out of place at a munch or BDSM party. However, they may be able to tell you what other kinds of alt sex groups can be found in your area.

That's what I meant - even if you're not into kink per se, BDSM groups would still be a good jumping-off point for finding other resources. At least you've got the heterosexual and open-minded bases covered. If you're not into kink at all, then the BDSM community is not a good place to find couples-with-benefits within its ranks, since they will expect that you are into it to some degree.
posted by desjardins at 9:25 AM on August 28