How to approach my boyfriend about sensitive sex issue (Long and incredibly NSFW)
August 17, 2009 7:21 AM Subscribe
I'm trying to figure out a way to approach my boyfriend concerning an issue about our sex life, but I'm having a hard time knowing what to say. For all intents and purposes, we have a fulfilling sex life, however the vast majority of the time he's not able to come inside me. It's been this way for the duration of our 3-year relationship and, though I'm not taking it personally, I'm really beginning to miss a certain level of intimacy that goes along with that particular part of sex. As always, there's...
posted by actuallyiam to Human Relations (31 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
First let me emphasize a couple of things: I am not taking this as a personal affront that there's something gigantically wrong here or that "if he loved me / found me attractive he could come inside me." I also know that this issue predates me and, based on things he's said, has come up in other relationships too. I think I have a pretty good idea what's going on and all I want to do is find a way to address this without making either of us feel bad, or before I lose interest in having sex with him.
I am a very experienced, open-minded woman and don't believe there's only one right way to have sex. I'm happy with lots of different methods and endings, so there's pretty much no position I won't try but eventually it all ends the same way. After I'm satisfied, either I give him a blow job, hand job, or he masturbates while I busy myself doing all sorts of other tickly/licky/nibblly things to participate. Don't get me wrong, I love oral sex and I think watching a guy jack off is one of the hottest things on earth, just not every. single. time.
We we first started having sex, he was able to come inside me some of the time, but it usually took a lot of work (which was totally fine with me), including manually getting him right to the edge before penetration. These days -- and here's the part that's the hardest for me to deal with -- we rarely even try to have actual intercourse. I miss penetrative sex so much that I'm starting to not care if he even comes inside me, if I could just feel him inside me for a little while.
I've been racking my brain for a long time trying to figure out what I can do or say that won't fuck things up. We've never talked about this directly (I don't have the sense he feels anything is missing in our sex life), but I am careful to let him know how much I love having him inside me and let him know I see fireworks when he's, uh, there. We are very, very open about what we do and don't like so I doubt this is a matter of me not being able to find the right button to push to help him come (and, believe me, I've tried damn near everything/.
I know at least some of you will suggest he / we stop with all the hand action, but I have no idea how to even begin to suggest that. If I had to guess, though, I'd say that's the underlying issue here. He takes no medication and rarely drinks so there's no desensitization issues related to that, however since we have sex several times a week, I know there's a lot of opportunity for him to get used to the hand. Add to that, I suspect there's a fair amount of masturbating going on when I'm not around (I don't care, I'm just saying that his man parts probably get one hell of a lot of hand attention over the course of a week. On top of that, he has a high sex drive and was single for a long while before we met. So, yeah, do the math.
What can I do, MeFites? I want penetrative sex added back on the menu and I'd love to have him come inside me once in a while too. I am open to anything at all that would make that happen, but I have no idea how to approach my incredibly sensitive boyfriend about all this.