How do I be an ally to the conversationally overpowered?

August 16, 2009 7:26 PM

How do I be an ally to the conversationally overpowered?

I went back to my homeland (Minnesota) for the July 4th weekend, and participated in festivities with my extended family. During a picnic, I sat down with my aunt and uncle and we talked for a while. I noticed a few minutes into the conversation that my uncle would routinely talk over my aunt, often while she was in mid-sentence. Since I was interested in what she had to say, I started picking up where she left before she was interrupted by my uncle. She would begin again, and a few sentences later my uncle would jump in again. I then tried addressing questions directly to her, but the same thing would happen - my uncle would jump in and answer.

I feel that in that situation, I did all that was possible to make sure that my aunt was able to talk freely, but to no avail.

What are some tips for making sure all people who want to participate in a conversation are able to?

I have noticed this pattern with other people as well (mostly hetero couples, with the man interrupting the woman.)

Is there any way to change this behavior in the long term? Is it gauche to point out that one person rountinely tramples on the other person's attempts at communication?

posted by baxter_ilion to human relations (12 comments total)

This really isn't your responsibility, and no, it's not your place to point this out, at least not when they're together.

Talk to the person you wish to talk to when they are separated. The person being slighted is almost certainly used to this, and probably decided long ago to not to make a drama about it, or they'd be standing up for themselves already.

I suspect they will appreciate the quiet, polite support you are already offering. Eye contact can go a long way.

It's not your job to "fix" old, stable relationships, especially when nobody asks you to. Sorry.
posted by rokusan at 7:31 PM on August 16 [5 favorites]

Depending on the situation I think you could jokingly say 'Woah Uncle Bob, let Aunt Sally take the wheel for a bit' or something like that.
posted by ian1977 at 7:32 PM on August 16 [6 favorites]

i have lots of relatives who do this.

when it happens, i keep my eyes on the person who was interrupted. if they don't respond by finishing their story, i'll prompt them by saying, "and?" or "keep going" or something similar. i do it in an upbeat tone, without looking at the interruptor, and the interruptor gets the point. you can do it without coming off as rude if you keep your tone light.

my dad used to be a chronic interruptor, but my mom made a point of saying, "i'm not finished" whenever he would speak up, and he would realize what he'd done. he rarely interrupts anymore, and if he does, he realizes it and calls himself on it.
posted by gursky at 7:33 PM on August 16 [2 favorites]

I know of two people that do this, and both are female. One answers for her husband constantly, and the other answers for everybody. Both are incredibly annoying and boorish.

It's difficult to sit by and not say anything when you're trying to engage a specific person in conversation and someone else continuously answers questions for them or interrupts them while they're talking. With the one who always answers for her husband, I let it go on for a bit and then say as politely as I can, "Please let him answer, I'd like to hear what he has to say". It always shuts her up, because I don't think she even realizes that she's doing it. Her husband is showing the early signs of dementia and Alzheimer's (he has been diagnosed) and she is his primary caregiver and is used to doing things for him, so she just takes the lead in everything, even when it's not necessary. He always seems so grateful when I ask her to let him talk.

With the other woman, I just ignore her. She knows fully well that she's doing it, she laughs at herself, and has tried to stop. For some reason she just isn't able, so I just ignore her and keep on looking at and speaking with the person I was conversing with before her interruptions. Many times in the past one of my own kids has come to me to ask me for permission to do something, and she has immediately answered for me as if wasn't even there. I just acted as if she hadn't spoken, and gave my kids my answer.

So depending on the circumstances, it seems what works best for me is to either politely ask for the interruptee to get some air time, or to just ignore and continue.
posted by iconomy at 7:46 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

Yes, this isn't uncommon. I facilitate a lot of meetings, and man-talking-over-woman is so common an issue that you need a strategy for it if you want full participation (and sometimes it happens between people of the same sex as well - it's just more common that men don't notice when they're doing it). So when faced with it, I'll sometimes hold a hand up to the interrupter without looking at him, and say directly "just a sec, I want to hear what Sharon's saying," and then look straight at Sharon and wait.

Other than that, the strategies you're using at least give the person a chance to be heard. But it's going to take a little more direct authoritative action to let the loud person know you don't want him to talk over the quiet person. "Uncle Jim, hold on, I can't hear Aunt Sally." "Whoa whoa whoa - one at a time, I can't concentrate with everyone talking at once! Now what were you saying, Aunt Sally?"
posted by Miko at 7:59 PM on August 16 [8 favorites]

I agree that it's not anyone else's responsibility to correct this. However, conversations like this are in effect unfair applications of power, and that rankles. Not to mention the unfairness of imposing only one set of thoughts to a group that is here to listen to everyone. So I prefer to use what power I have as the receiver by tuning in more of the signal and squelching the noise.

"I'd like to hear more from __ about this."
"Who said something about __? Was that you, __?"
"Let's hear __'s part again."

..and more pointedly, for repeat offenses:

"__, that was the beginning of an interesting point. What was it you were saying about this?"
"So I heard all of __'s thoughts, but very little of __'s. Could you repeat that, __?"
"Yes, but __ didn't finish. What was the last part of what you were saying?"
posted by Hardcore Poser at 9:09 PM on August 16 [2 favorites]

In my circles, it's women who tend to interrupt in this annoying way.

I think it's admirable for you to want to intervene and help, but these conversational habits die hard. People who interrupt this way have been allowed to do it for ages, and you won't break them of it easily.
posted by jayder at 9:31 PM on August 16

I think that it's at least worth a shot. I have some relatives who do this constantly, generally the man talking over the woman, and have given up subtlety when trying to hold a conversation.

(For purposes of illustration, I'm using him as the interrupter and her as the original speaker, simply because that's the dynamic that I've run across the most and am most skilled in dealing with.)

The first time there's an interruption, I'll let him finish talking, and then, without responding, turn to her and say "You were saying?"

The second time, I usually interrupt him and say something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I was interested in hearing her take on this--please let her finish."

The third time, I interrupt him as soon as he starts to talk over her and say "I'm trying to talk to her right now. I'll talk with you later."

The fourth time, I suggest that we move the conversation to another room, since there's a bit of a crowd in the room we're currently in and I'm really interested in hearing what she has to say.

Then we move. This has become common enough in my family that I can often count on other people to intercept him should he attempt to follow us into the other room.

Obviously, sometimes I reach the "let's go to the other room" place sooner than others, but it's something that very frequently works. If done with sufficient delicacy, it doesn't come off as too gauche, either--I've used things like "I'm having a hard time focusing on you with so many other people around" or "I'm having a difficult time hearing in here--would you mind if we went into the other room?"

When he attempts to follow us into another room and isn't intercepted, I've often resorted to shutting the door as soon as I'm through, apologetically telling him that I'm awfully sorry, I just can't hear with everyone in the room, and I'd really like to spend some time with her. If I'm feeling generous, I reassure him that we'll be back shortly and I'd love to hear about whatever he's been talking about; if I'm feeling less generous, I just leave it at that.

It's unlikely that you're going to change anyone's behavior for the long term, but with sufficient effort you can probably change their behavior around you. It's not exactly a victory, but I know that for some people--especially older women who are used to getting talked over--it means a lot that you're actively conversing with them and trying to give them a safe space in which to talk. (Er, I know this not because I'm superkid, but because I've been thanked for it. Which is something that you may want to prepare yourself for--the first time that my grandmother thanked me for just having a conversation with her, I almost started to cry, which obviously would have been the wrong response.)
posted by MeghanC at 10:15 PM on August 16 [2 favorites]

This really isn't your responsibility, and no, it's not your place to point this out, at least not when they're together.

If you are having a conversation with someone and a third party keeps interrupting it is completely in your purview to demand they stop. Just because someone is near you when you are talking doesn't mean they are part of the conversation; there is nothing wrong with making this clear.
posted by prak at 10:26 PM on August 16 [3 favorites]

I will tend to say "Yeah, ta" or something to briefly acknowledge the over-speaker, and then turn to the over-spoken and say "I'm sorry, you were saying?". (Of course, I'm fairly rude).
posted by pompomtom at 11:03 PM on August 16

In my circles, it's usually men who talk over women, but I have definitely seen it go both ways, of course.

I'm often spoken over, actually, so it's been good to read some of these suggestions. It's a little different when you're the person who is being spoken over, of course - I've tried saying, as nicely as I can, things like, "Hey, I wasn't done talking..." or, if it gets to this point, "You know, you tend to interrupt or talk over me quite a bit, and while I want to hear what you have to say, I think it's unfair to prevent me from getting my point across." This has only had mixed results at best. Unfortunately, I find that people will seldom speak up on my behalf in these situations, perhaps because it's a little awkward or uncomfortable to interrupt a person who's already proved him/herself as being aggressive? They will, however, often ask me afterwards to continue with what I was saying.

So... as someone who can relate to being conversationally overpowered, I think you should absolutely return conversational focus to your aunt in situations like this. I am always thankful when someone I am trying to talk to turns to me post-interruption and asks me to continue what I was saying. Hopefully I haven't lost my train of thought by that point :)
posted by jacquilinala at 8:36 AM on August 17 [1 favorite]

Thanks for the ideas everybody! I'll likely have an opportunity to test them out next month... let you know how it goes.

@jacquilinala - I used to be in the same position, I was quite easily overpowered in conversation, so that's probably why I'm sensitive to this like you. Keep speaking up for yourself!
posted by baxter_ilion at 7:20 PM on August 17