How to reveal my (lack of) faith to my fundamentalist Christian Parents?

August 16, 2009 7:00 PM

I have been struggling for several years how to reconcile Christianity, especially the sect in which I was raised, with the analytic portion of my mind. I realize that I can't. Now the question is, how to broach the subject with my fundamentalist parents, who I am dependent on?

Here is some background information:

I am a college student who attends a Christian University away from my hometown. I was raised in a very conservative home and have attended the "Church of Christ" my entire life. The Church of Christ is a denomination which claims to be the true New Testament church set up by the disciples of Jesus. The Church believes in the bible as God's inerrant revelation to man and as the sole guide to everlasting life. Consequentially, the Bible is taken literally which results in poor prospects for homosexuals, women (submission), and sexuality, in general. My family is very devout and attends church 3 times a week (2x Sunday and Wednesday). My father is an elder at the Church and my mother is very involved.


I have always felt trapped and restricted within the church and the university has only exacerbated the issue (daily chapel, required bible class, curfew, no entry into the opposite sex’s living quarters). I feel like being in the environment of this Church has held me back intellectually. Do not question the Bible, accept it. The act of believing things without evidence, of not actively searching out and understanding why things happen, permeated into my thinking about other subjects.


My parents are paying my tuition at the university, although I did not choose it. I feel indebted to my parents, as I probably should and feel like renouncing their belief system will add up to some sort of treachery.


My parents will be crushed when I tell them of my disbelief. I don’t know if I can handle causing so much pain to them, as well as to my grandparents. They will end up questioning how they raised me and may never be fine with it. They will not understand how I could not believe. My relationship with my father is already strained and may not survive this episode. My admission may also cause my father to lose his position in the eldership. One of the qualifications for being an elder, as taken from Titus 1:6, is having “children who believe”.


How do I tell my parents that I am (at best) agnostic?
Has anyone lived through a similar situation/ how did it go?
Should I tell them while I am still dependent on them financially?

I appreciate any perspective you all can give me. Throwaway email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (42 comments total)

Should I tell them while I am still dependent on them financially?

No. Not a good idea. Wait until you're financially independent. Until then, play the game.
posted by infinitywaltz at 7:08 PM on August 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

Is it Christianity as a whole you are struggling with, or an extremely legalistic form of it? That's the first thing you need to ask yourself.

God has no grandchildren; it is entirely reasonable for you to examine your beliefs for yourself and seek the truth. And I say that as a committed Christian who believes the Bible and follows God to the best of her ability.

Nobody can MAKE you believe. Not your parents, not your grandparents, not your pastor. That is truly between you and God. When you tell your folks-and I think you should-you need to stress that. It's not their "fault." If you are really worried about their reaction perhaps you can couch it in the terms that you "need to find God for yourself."

Because, that's not a lie. You do. And again, they cannot do that for you.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:09 PM on August 16 [7 favorites has favorites]

Don't tell them until you are out of school. And don't tell them unless you have to. Discussing a religious change with parents is going to be a tough conversation in the best of times. Don't go seeking it out if you know it is going to endanger your relationship with them.
posted by aburd at 7:11 PM on August 16

I would not tell your parents unless you are considering transferring to another school and are willing to bear the burden of paying for that other school. I came out as atheist to my parents (who are faaaar less fundamentalist than yours, but still very church-goey) and the drama that ensued, though I was willing to put up with it for my own personal beliefs, was not pretty. A year later, without their influence, I changed my mind anyway and started attending a different sort of Christian church. I'm your age, and wanted to tell you that this is the sort of thing people are working out their entire lives. I don't see a need to come out to your parents until there's actually a reason for your doing so.
posted by Dukat at 7:13 PM on August 16

Leave the school (the degree won't be of much use outside the community you're leaving), get settled on your own. If you're parents ask, tell them your beliefs are not theirs, and leave it at that. You owe them no further explanation - espescially when you're unsure of your stance (which is something to be proud of). Don't lie, outright or through omission.
posted by phrontist at 7:14 PM on August 16 [10 favorites has favorites]

On one hand I have to agree with infinitywaltz in that you're probably not in a position to pay for college yourself, and that playing along will get you that education. But can you really be getting the best education possible in a place that feel so restricting?

I'd try to find a reason to transfer. Tell them your major will be better at a different school. Maybe even explaining that these other schools are better, possibly bringing in the fact that you'll be competing in the job market with people who will be better prepared for the workforce.

I never told my parents I stopped going to church, they just kind of figured it out. It's not my best decision ever in their eyes, and my mom especially tries to convince me to go. But they do understand that it's my life and my decision.

To me, the college you're attending is the most important part of the equation right now. If you're not getting everything out of it that you think you should, you need to be at a different school. The reason doesn't really matter.
posted by theichibun at 7:15 PM on August 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Any way you can just transfer to another college (not sure how much time you have left)? I went to a Christian college for awhile and it was not the place for me. Perhaps you would feel better at a different school. Justify it to your parents as wanting to study other things; I imagine a bigger college would have some classes that your current school doesn't.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:16 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Most religions have the concept of losing one's faith or having doubts and "working it out." Does yours?
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:17 PM on August 16

It depends on the school, and the degree you're pursuing. If indeed it isn't anything respected or worthwhile outside the conservative Christian community, you are probably better off leaving school now, so you can get on with building your own life in the real world.

If your degree is useful in the real, secular world, I second the notion of toughing it out, saying nothing and just playing along until you finish school, and then you can move on and move past your religious childhood.

(Many of us have done this. My religious school was a good one, and I learned a lot there, but I didn't believe most of the theology beyond the age of 11 or so. I did have good history, calculus and other professors, though. I didn't need to believe in their god to learn from them, I found.)

If it helps, too, remember this: A great, great many other people in your school and your church, I promise, are also faking it for their own personal reasons, and they all feel pressured into "going along with it" because that's easier.
posted by rokusan at 7:23 PM on August 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

I never really told my parents how my thinking about faith was changing, but I'm a Church of Christ guy who also became agnostic while attending a Christian college--and then later atheist, and finally Christian again, when I found a better way of being Christian that the patternism and paternalism I was raised in.

Which is to say, briefly, (1) I don't know that there's an urgent need to talk to your parents about this right now, (2) if you want to talk through this with someone who has more of an intellectual approach to the faith then: (a) I'm easy to reach and know where you are coming from and (b) I probably know a professor in your school's Bible department who is more liberal and critical than they are advertising. When I was an undergrad, I had no idea just how far my Bible profs had moved from the standard Church of Christ traditionalism, but, trust me, it's pretty hard to get a Ph.D. in any branch of theology without having your horizons broadened in some significant ways.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 7:26 PM on August 16 [15 favorites has favorites]

As someone who had to attend Church of Christ every Sunday until I went to college, I feel your pain.

Is is possible for you to change schools and begin to pay your own way? I know it can be hard (I have $$$ student debt).

I encourage you to begin to find your own way. Don't wait. You are only torturing yourself by staying at a religious school. Find a school that fits you. Find a job, workstudy, loans, etc. This may be hard but it is worth it.

I also emailed you.
posted by nimsey lou at 7:32 PM on August 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Based on some experiences with peers (I went to a CoC high school) who had the same problem in college, the best immediate options are to a) wait, graduate, live your life the way you want to or b) say the Lipscomb/Freed isn't working out with you because it's too cliquey, or you want to live in a city, or it doesn't have the opportunity to study Mongolian Art and transfer to Big State U. There are a million honest reasons to prefer a public school, including some important economic ones which your parents might buy.

Some people have the maturity to deal with the student saying "this school doesn't want to have honest discussions about important spiritual issues X Y or Z. I'm not saying that they're wrong, just that I'd like to learn about this in a non-propaganda setting." Just not many. The Jesus Freak crowd taught me to lie about my deepest convictions and seek honest discourse on the internet. Eternal September has been rough on that, but there are still gems.

There is no easy way to tell your parents that you're not into the belief system which dominates their lives. The kindest thing is probably to move out of the south and let their church be something that you only have to deal with on occasions. Controlling people can hold a grudge a long time if you say, "I rejected everything that you ever stood for; you are not my model for God, and I am not your reinvention." Your relationship with your father is strained, but there is a lot which independence and space can do for a father/son relationship.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 7:41 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Partially due to them paying for your schooling you worry about a sense of betrayal if you tell your parents that you are at best agnostic....

seems to me that faking it and getting your degree would be a more expensive betrayal than calling it quits now. I imagine that it is not trivial for them to pay for your school and if it is done under false pretenses might it be a sore spot for years to come if they feel you 'tricked' them?
posted by ian1977 at 7:41 PM on August 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

I was raised in a conservative non-denominational Evangelical family. When I was 17, I realized that I no longer believed in my parents' faith. I told them that I was "taking a break" from church to sort out my beliefs. I didn't know for certain then that I'd never return to my former faith (though now I'm reasonably sure), so I wasn't being dishonest. This gentler approach seemed to go over better than "Your God doesn't exist."

My mom in particular took it better than I expected--she said, more or less, "Most people lose their religion when they're young and have to choose what to do next." My dad held out hope that I'd return to the fold for, oh, five years. We have all now come to an understanding of how we talk to each other about religion.

Practically speaking, think seriously before finishing your degree at your current university. Both from the perspective of where your degree can take you (depending on the college, this might not matter, but if you're currently attending, say, Bob Jones, that might raise some eyebrows when you start job-hunting or applying to grad schools in the secular world after school) and from the perspective of just not wasting your time (it's worth it to be proud of your BA). Toughing it out might be the best option, but it might not.

Before you talk to your parents, I would recommend first looking into your options as far as transferring goes: determine how many of your current credits would be accepted by a secular university; look into the transfer process at a few universities you might like; and figure out your financial situation (i.e., do you have any savings? are you working? do you qualify for financial aid?). You may need to take a year off, work, save up, possibly take some community college classes if some of your Christian college credits don't quite measure up. Anyway, I recommend that you get all of this information so that you aren't at a total disadvantage when you talk to your parents. They may take the news better than you think, or they may cut you off financially. Either way you're better off knowing what your options are.

Keep in mind that throughout this whole thing, you're not only gaining a new sense of yourself and what you believe, you're also losing your membership in a community and an identity that has been with you your whole life: it's ok, perhaps even necessary, to mourn that.

Feel free to MeMail me if you'd like. It can be hard talking about this with non-religious friends who haven't experienced our type of faith and with still-religious friends who don't understand why you'd leave the Church: you may need to find support among fellow former-believers.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:41 PM on August 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

The way I've explained my lack of attending mass is this "I don't believe in Christ, but I do believe in honesty. Playing along would be dishonest to myself and everybody else there who does believe. "

And seriously, try to transfer to another school anyway you can. College should be a good experience. (My husband graduated ten years ago, and still complains about how he hated college, didn't learn anything he wanted to learn, and didn't fit in with the rest of the student body at all. I had a completely different experience, and still really love my alma mater, and feel I got a great education, with a bunch of really great people.)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:45 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My father is a fundamentalist pastor and our family attended church exactly like yours (twice on Sunday, once Wednesday night). We also had very strict rules growing up (no rock music, dancing, drinking, smoking, talking to women, movie theaters (even for G-rated movies), etc). The house revolved around the church, as I'm sure you can understand.

Unlike you, I attended a secular university. However, I made the mistake of going to a school a half hour away from church, which meant I was still required to attend all the services. My dad would also call my dorm room every night to make sure I was in my room told me he'd be driving up to school to inspect it at random times. The restrictions were bad, but the worst part was having to spend seven hours a week listening to hateful and angry sermons. I found myself dreading the weekend, becoming depressed on Saturday and suffering through Sunday with a silent rage that I still believe was approaching the point of becoming dangerous.

This situation was unbearable and I decided to leave. It had been made extremely clear that I would have no place to live and school would not be paid for if I stopped going to church. I decided to stop going anyways, partly because I could not handle the situation and partly because I wasn't convinced they'd actually go through with it (other teenagers had refused to go to our church and their parents were more lenient, even while stepping down from certain positions in the church). The day before sophomore year started I told them I wasn't going to church anymore. My mom looked horrified and began sobbing while my dad screamed at me and shouted "LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR MOTHER", among other things. They finally agreed to drop me off at school (I had no car), even while insisting that this was one of the privileges I didn't deserve. I was also told that I couldn't temporarily agree to go back to church during the winter break, "because how would that look?". I was told I'd never be able to sleep in their house again and all school money was cut off. I'm still convinced that they hoped I'd drop out of school or sleep on the street as a way to see the error of my ways and "turn back to the Word." Friends at school were sympathetic and I was able to stay in school through a series of fortunate events.

I felt like I had lost my family, but I would do it all again without hesitation. The months after leaving were the first truly happy moments of my adult life. I was done living a lie, I was done having hate forced into my brain for hours a week, and I was finally free on Sundays. Even today I can't help but appreciate a two-day weekend, which is something I never experienced growing up.

Family was much less important to my parents (and, I assume, to most fundamentalists) than a connection to God and other believers. "Brothers in Christ" means more to them than "son" and I eventually realized what a family meant to them was a group of people who believed in the same God. Once you're not in that group, you will be pushed to the "other", which is how fundamentalists view anyone not aligned with their view of the world (helping Great Commission, etc). At best, you'll be treated like someone with an illness who needs to be made better. At worse there may be violence if your father is a violent person.

I'd make sure you know the reason for telling them. It sounds like your living situation won't change if you tell them--you'll simply be living with the same rules and regulations that you did before, only now without anyone paying for school. Would it be possible to transfer to a school that happens to provide great financial aid and then tell your parents this the next year? You could tell your parents you want to "go out into the world and spread the gospel" and your Christian school isn't giving you that opportunity. Of course, this would add to the dishonesty that you appear to want to rid yourself of. However, it may be your best course of action at the moment.

Also, read Gilead.

Finally, it's very easy to flip from the extreme of fundamentalism to the extreme of hating religion. Obviously you should believe whatever you want, but make sure it's actually what you believe and not simply a response to your upbringing. Try to appreciate religion's ability to help people do good in spite of the other issues you might have with it.

Whatever you decide, good luck.
posted by null terminated at 7:51 PM on August 16 [21 favorites has favorites]

See if you can transfer to a college that has a strong co-op education program or that has a strong research bent. In the first case, you can make a strong case for your future employability and, in the second, you can make a case for your grad school prospects. I have friends who went to Christian colleges and, unfortunately, found that their prospective employers did not value the degrees on an equal playing field. (If your parents accept the act local philosophy, they might see that you could carry their message better if you could cast a wider net for future employability.) And some of my friends found that masters degree programs did not recognize their Christian college undergraduate degrees, so you might be able to argue for your academic career, if that's a fit. Find a reason that is true and relevant and just go with that for now. FWIW, a college with a good co-op program can help you become more self sufficient (in many ways).
posted by acoutu at 7:52 PM on August 16

My one word of caution is that you need to be prepared in case they turn their backs to you if you do tell them of your struggle with their faith. I was raised Catholic and found myself questioning by high school. I tried to keep it low key while I lived at home. My Mom clued in and was open-minded enough to not push it as long as I kept up appearances in front of the grandparents. When I got engaged and spoke to Grandma about my plans for marriage, the fact that I wasn't getting married in the Catholic Church came out. All seemed well. Two weeks later, when she had an audience, she declared that I was no longer part of the family and that I was apostate. She lived another 10 years and never spoke to me again.

I hope your experience is very different than mine and that they don't reject you. They may never understand or approve, though.

Best of luck.
posted by onhazier at 7:54 PM on August 16

I've seen this situation play out a few times, and I strongly encourage you to have an income source and a place you can stay before you have this conversation with your parents. Sons and daughters have ended up living on the street for more minor rebellions.

A full-job time job, even an unglamorous one, can still get an apartment (sure, you may have a roommate) and an education (sure, it may be community college for a while).
posted by Benjy at 8:14 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

It sounds like you are facing the very same situation as Edmund Gosse did, which lead to him writing Father and Son. Growing up fairly evangelical myself, I see that all these restrictions placed on you are there because your parents think it's the best for you. It's love, from where they are standing. I can, sadly, offer no better advice than the previous commenters.
posted by scruss at 8:18 PM on August 16

Feel free to MeMail me as well.

When I left the faith and told my parents, I came home for a weekend, took them out for dinner, and we had A Talk. I had left bible college a few months before, to switch degrees. It went well, but my parents were going through their own struggles with the faith and are even less devout now than they were then. From what you've written, I suspect my parents are very different from yours. Your parents are probably more like my fundamentalist uncle, and I have endured no end of shit from him in the last 5 years over this issue. If I were his kid... well, I should probably just say that I don't envy your situation!

Some things that helped me, especially in the first year or two of adjusting:

- the Secular Lifestyle section of the Freethought and Rationalism Board (formerly Internet Infidels)
- Marlene Winell's book, Leaving the Fold - A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving their Religion
- the extian email list, for ex-Christians to share their stories and support one another through these types of difficult social situations. Definitely some ex-CoC people on there.
- I switched to a public university (all student loans and jobs, no $$ from parents)
- I kept it to myself for a while and didn't tell my bible-college friends for the first 6-8 months (had to deal with it myself first, deal with the social crises later)

Meg_Murry is right about taking the time to mourn it. You're losing a huge social net, a huge powerful influence in your life that you have always been told would take care of you, a whole mythology, a supposed purpose for your life, and a culture. It will take a lot of time to adjust. Go easy on yourself. You don't have to get it right right away.

I say that you're losing a culture, because that's how it's often felt to me. I had to learn new rules for dating, for socialising, for talking about opinions. I had to learn new rules, new music, etc. I ran into Christian friends who assumed that I would be Bad, like all those stories we've heard all our lives about Bad Secular People, and at the same time I was struggling to figure out how to fit in in the (Bad?) Secular World. I had a lot of misconceptions.

Most people I've known who have deconverted have gone sort of extreme the other way and been quite angry for quite a long time (1-2 years) and then mellowed. I had a year or two of anger, a deep plunge into atheism. My first semester out of the faith, I took a history class set in Reformation-era Europe and the professor started talking about the churches, and ... I couldn't handle it. I dropped the class. It was way too much of a trigger topic for me at the time and I needed to be gentle with myself.

Now I've mellowed into a much friendlier atheism with an ability to read the bible as a literary text without feeling the rage boil up. This is okay. Know that you are now outside the fundamentalist game, and you are allowed to change your mind. Changing your mind doesn't necessarily mean you were wrong; it can mean you are growing and learning about the world. Don't feel the need to stick to your guns or evangelise. Let it go, and enjoy that freedom.

That's all just for you though. I can't speak to whether or not to tell your parents or how you do that. I would really suggest that you join the extian list I mentioned above and ask people there about it. They can tell you stories and suggest strategies and/or explain why they've chosen never to tell their families and how they do that.

If it's a choice between never telling them and having a less-than-open relationship, or getting kicked out of the family... well, it's something you need to think about carefully. Don't feel that you need to make this decision quickly. If your upbringing was anything like mine, we were taught that we needed to be transparently honest with people, but you should question that value in this situation. It is perfectly valid and probably wise to take your time before you make a decision. If you choose to trade absolute honesty for a relationship with your parents, there is no shame in it. Gay people have been doing it for ages!
posted by heatherann at 8:20 PM on August 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

Also--sorry for multiple answers. I just wanted to pop back in and say, as explicitly as I can: you are not doing anything wrong.

If, whenever you ultimately tell your parents or anyone else about this development in your life, they react negatively, that is about them. You aren't doing anything to anyone. You don't owe it to anyone to live a lie and constrain your life to a rigid set of religious rules because of what other people believe. (Which isn't to say that it's easy to hear "Why are you doing this to me?" and make yourself think "I'm not doing anything to you," but the truth is that you're not doing anything wrong.)
posted by Meg_Murry at 8:23 PM on August 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

And, best of luck and welcome to the unfold! It can be a bumpy ride at first, but there's a whole world out there waiting for you to explore it. :)
posted by heatherann at 8:24 PM on August 16

1. Your personal philosophy, values and morals are yours - and yours alone.

2. Self-betrayal to your own philosophy is worse than just about anything else.

3. Wasting time and spinning wheels - in fear of others - is a daily blow to your spirit.

4. Life is short.

5. As Oscar Wilde reminded us, " Be yourself - everyone else is already taken.
posted by Gerard Sorme at 8:25 PM on August 16 [9 favorites has favorites]

I just wanted to pop back in and say, as explicitly as I can: you are not doing anything wrong.

I'll second that.

And I would add: you don't owe anyone an explanation. Your parents will never understand Why, because if they did it would rock the foundations of their faith and they're going to get defensive and angry way before that happens. That simple little question, "Why don't you believe anymore?" is a trap that you don't need to let yourself get baited into. You can say "it's complicated, I don't want to insult your faith, it's private, there were so many little things not one big thing," etc. But if you don't want that fight, you have my stamp of approval to stand your ground and not get drawn in. I try to stick to "I understand why you are upset, I understand what you believe and that you are worried about me, thank you for your concern, thank you for loving me," because it's the only way to respond to the emotion underneath without stirring up a fight.
posted by heatherann at 8:29 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'll add my voice to the chorus suggesting that you find a way to transfer to a secular school. Given that in most cases employers are barred from asking about your religion, having a degree from a Christian on your CV is as good as labelling yourself a follower of their doctrines. If your spiritual explorations take you far from their beliefs, this could become quite burdensome down the track. You may find yourself working for fundies who will later resent being 'lied to", or closed out of more open-minded positions altogether.

Other than that, I wish you luck. This sort of coming out is never easy.
posted by Jilder at 8:34 PM on August 16

There's an interesting story about Saint Athanasius that gets discussed on and off in philosophy papers on ethics. It might be helpful to you.

The story goes that at one time, St. Athanasius was being hounded by some people who wanted him dead. So he made his way to a nearby river, got a rowboat, and began his getaway. Now, back then, it was more difficult to transmit information about what people looked like, so most of the soldiers looking for Athanasius couldn't tell who he was on sight. So when a boatload of soldiers headed past Athanasius in the opposite direction, they called out asking, "We're looking for Athanasius, do you know where he is?"

Athanasius, knowing that he ought not lie even to these men, said, "Yes, Athanasius is very nearby!" Then he continued on his way down the river.

===

You're worried that you're living a lie, but you don't want to tell the truth because of the harm it would cause. My advice in this situation would be to follow Athanasius' example and avoid both, if possible. Find an opportunity (either for work or for school) that will take you out of the environment that you feel is harming you. The farther away, the better. It will benefit you in the long run anyway, and it won't require you to harm your parents in the ways that you're worried about.
posted by voltairemodern at 8:34 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I was once in your situation. The circumstances were nearly identical. It would take too long to type the whole story, but suffice it to say that in the end my parents' love for me was too strong, and they now accept me as I am. Despite their threats, they couldn't disown me. Nevertheless, it took a solid decade for them to reach this conclusion. Along the way they speculated that I had lost my faith because I was gay, because I was on drugs, because I was a communist, etc. I endured countless hysterical phone conversations with my mother as she made her facile arguments for Biblical inerrancy, her rants about the evils of liberalism, and her tearful pleas for my eternal soul. When my little brother left the faith, I was blamed for his departure. And the list goes on and on. Once you "come out" to your parents you too can begin the painful and slow process of teaching them how to love you and appreciate you without filtering everything through their religion. But it will take time and it will suck horribly and I wouldn't initiate the process until you can't stand it any longer. Maybe that's where you are now. If so, cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war. If not, hold off until you can't hold off any longer, because the less leverage they have over you, the stronger your position. Lay the groudwork now so that you can be the one delivering ultimatums. Maybe you won't win, but most newly minted agnostics who play their card right do.
posted by Crotalus at 9:11 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm a Lutheran who has a, you could say, troubled relationship with God. But most Lutherans probably feel like that. :)

My pastor used to explain the doctrine like this (paraphrasing): "This church, these buildings, this congregation, none of this is really anything. We, as people, are sinful, and the only thing that can save us is accepting Jesus. And the only way we can accept Jesus is if we know him. That's what this book is for. This is, for better or worse, God's word. God wrote it down so you could read it. Faith and belief in Him is the only way you can save yourself, but neither I, nor the church, nor these buildings, nor any of this can give you that faith. What we do here, what this organization is for, is a discussion, a support group, to help you find your faith. It's still up to you to find it. So what should you do? You should read, you should research, you should discuss. With us, with God, with others. In the end, it's you, the book, and God. And what happens between you is nothing we can control. You find and define your own relationship with Him."

This is the best explanation of Lutheran doctrine I've ever heard, and if you can't tell, it's pretty much exactly what your church believes re: the New Testament. We believe that the Bible is the inerrant word of God, and we believe it's the sole guide to everlasting life. But we also believe that it's up to you to interpret it. No interloper can come between you and your relationship with god, and no one can tell you how to interpret that book. That book is there for you to read and make decisions about, not the preacher. That's why Luther translated it into the vulgar tongues. That's why he nailed his theses to the door of that church. That's what the whole Protestant movement was about. And that's why, at least among the more Orthodox Lutheran sects, the laity knows their scripture and the associated theological arguments pretty well. I had theological arguments with my parents, but they were more dinner conversation than anything.

For someone in your position, I wonder if what you're doubting is the existence of God (a perfectly legitimate doubt!) or the scores of interlopers who try to mediate your relationship with him. If it's the latter, and you know your Bible, you could probably make this a lot more palatable for your parents, as well as settle some of your own doubts. I am by no means a fundie, but I believe in parts of that book just as strongly as many of them do. It's just that I don't let anyone else tell me how to believe in it. I don't want to get preachy, but it sounds like your church is really a corruption of Luther's fundamental message. He was sick of the Catholics' misguided spiritual teachings, the layers and layers and layers of cruft they laid down between the laity and God. This - "daily chapel, required bible class, curfew, no entry into the opposite sex’s living quarters" sounds like exactly the kind of thing that would have pissed Luther right off. He'd probably say, if you want that regime, the Catholics down the road will be happy to have you and your money. Luther's message was a rebellion against exactly that kind of spiritual makework.

What I know, from my relationship with God, and my study of his word, is that no church should be in the way of you like that. You come to God on your terms, no one else's. That fact, in every doctrinal dispute among Protestants, bears repeating, because of who we are, and why we (or our parents) believe what we do. We believe in these scattered, fractured denomination because we don't need the Catholics, or anyone else, telling us how to have a relationship with God. Your parents took themselves and you down this road for exactly the same reason, and they want, by their own doctrinal admission, you to find God by the right road. And if you tell them, "I did not find God here," it'll go down a lot easier than if you say, "I can't find God because he isn't there." Both may be true for you, but the former statement, fleshed out with solid scriptural and theological reasoning, is probably the difference between a lot of drama and a little.
posted by saysthis at 9:25 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I just want to jump back in here and say one more thing about the Lutheran concept of "biblical inerrancy".

Lutherans believe that, yes, the Bible is the inerrant word of God. But, its inerrancy, and effectiveness, derives from your faith alone, NOT from a literal interpretation of it. We're born in original sin and we are stupid, puny, powerless creatures, and NONE of us have either the interpretive ability or inspirational ability to interpret the word of God, or inspire true faith in others through our interpretation. That inspiration, and that faith, come from God alone, straight to you and through you. You are saved by God's grace alone through faith alone. What that means is, you read that book, and you look at the word of God, and you think about it, until it makes sense for you. When it makes sense, you're doing it right. When you feel that you understand it, when you feel like this God fella actually knows what the fuck he's talking about, and you get it, and it feels right for you, that's grace. No one but you can create that relationship with God, simply because no one but you lives inside your head. God, or you, or whatever it is, grants you the power to make the Bible inerrant for you. And that's faith, and salvation, and all that good stuff. A more undignified name for this is "wiggle room", but I prefer to call it the space for a real, trusting relationship to develop. A relationship built on a foundation of trust and mutual respect isn't inerrant. That's what "biblical inerrancy" means in the Lutheran context.

Y'know what? I believe that women can be ministers. I believe that being gay is inborn and not a sin. I believe that alcohol and sex are things to celebrate. I believe that we evolved from monkeys and abortion is okay. Why? The bible told me so, and that's the inerrant word of god right there. :)
posted by saysthis at 9:57 PM on August 16

Short answer: No, don't tell them while you're dependent.

Long answer: I was raised in a staunchly fundamentalist Christian household. These beliefs negatively affected my life on a daily basis, and I was probably about sixteen when I decided within myself that I felt I could do a better job of writing a creation story than what the Bible had within it. When you believe that and feel that religion causes hugely catastrophic things in the personal and social lives of individuals, it doesn't leave you any room to still believe in a friendly guy in the sky. I'm sure you're going through the same wave of emotions. It is extremely stressful.

I didn't tell my parents how I felt, but my mother eventually found out. It is one of the few times I feel an argument with her...got out of hand. (More details can be ascertained via MeFi Mail.) I was not disowned, but I have never forgotten the day a lot of that came to a head, because it's one of my worst memories. To date, I have a very loving relationship with my mother, but I have to work hard to hide my beliefs, to avoid unreasonable and unnecessary arguments, which does grow tiring.

The problem is that at the core of the Bible (New and Old Testaments), there is a heart of violence, and I think most fundamentalists believe pretty strongly in that, even if they preach about love and personal relationships with God. Coercion through fear is quite okay to many fundamentalists, because the ends are seen to justify the means. Still more complicated, that don't see this as coercion or "evil," they see it as "love," because they think they are protecting you and your soul from an infinite fiery lake for your finite wrongs. I guess when you truly believe in such things, you will do all sorts of stuff to stop someone else from doing otherwise, and you will believe it's the only right thing to do.

If your parents are fundamentalist to the same degree as mine, you definitely should not tell them of your different beliefs, especially if you feel dependent. They will fly off the handle and think that it's God's will for them to do as much. They'll even think they're loving you by doing this. This can result in all sorts of crazy decision-making, including their removal of financial support and greater attempts to control you "for your own good."

Have you considered jumping ship and not being dependent on them by going to another school? Personally, I would rather go into financial debt with student loans than go to a university that clearly doesn't believe in the art of thinking, and thus defeats the purpose of going, and treats you like a five-year-old. It's bad enough living with this crazy bullshit for eighteen years of your life, but then to have to go off and live it with other people like this for another four or more years is just...unbelievably unfair to you. You should be having fun right now and trying to get a (real) education that doesn't involve God as being the center of everything. You may be happier with your situation and degree if you get out of it, and this would enable you to reveal your different beliefs to your family, if you so desire.

In a family like this, it doesn't become easier anytime soon, though, I don't think. YMMV, but my family largely just pretends that I don't believe differently. They walk over my beliefs, political and agnostic alike, and attempts I might make to defend them are worthless, given the fundamentalist penchant for a good screaming/crazy fight. For the most part, I play along when I visit my family, because praying to imaginary friends before lunchtime is less stressful than getting lectured. You may find this to be true for yourself, too, in that you may indeed cause an initial uproar, but your parents may just press on, pretending you're like them and believe the same things. In this scenario that involves [true] fundamentalists, I don't really believe there is a peaceful end for all parties.

Finally, I think part of being independent in your beliefs is to go out and discover things, as you want to. So, maybe today you want to read about evolution and string theory, and maybe tomorrow you want to read about Buddhism. I think these are all good and normal things, and you learn a lot from reading information about everything. Whatever you come to believe in the end, that the earth is young or that we have apes for ancestors or that we're all being reincarnated over and over, keep the core of it simple: Be kind. Do no physical, mental or emotional harm to others. If there is a god that can't accept that, or if your parents can't respect such simple goodwill, there's not much you can do.
posted by metalheart at 3:04 AM on August 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Leaving the Fold
posted by Pollomacho at 5:03 AM on August 17

Wait until you're financially independent. Until then, play the game.

I understand why people are saying things like this, and it's sensible advice except for the college issue. It would be nuts for you to spend the rest of your college career at a place that you don't like and whose degree may be virtually worthless in the outside world (depending on which college it is). If you absolutely can't transfer with your parents' consent and financial help and can't break away from them and find a way to get financial assistance at a secular college, you might want to consider telling your parents you need to take some time off from college (using whatever arguments will appeal to them) and get a job; when you've accumulated enough money, you can then continue your college career on your own terms.

Best of luck, and feel free to write me (/ex-Lutheran, disappointed mother by leaving church but not to the extent you're going to disappoint your parents).
posted by languagehat at 7:26 AM on August 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

Pater A is right--You'd be surprised at what a lot of your profs believe. I grew up CoC and went to a "brotherhood" college. It was from my professors there that I learned that I *could* be a Christian and believe in evolution, that I could be a member of the CoC and be a feminist or a Democrat, and that I could be a member of the CoC and actually think for myself. Sure, there were tons of mainstream, old school CoCers, but there was still diversity among the faculty as well as the student body--there were Catholics, Muslims, "practicing" homosexuals, even atheists. There are lots of interesting people to talk to.

The problem with trying to transfer to a state school is that many of your credits will be useless. You'll likely end up having to take and extra year or two to finish your degree. If you are at one of the ultra-conservative schools, maybe you can transfer to one that's a little more middle of the road (or even one of the "liberal" ones).

I guess what struck me most about your question was that it seemed to be more about doubting the CoC and the rules of your parents and your college than about God himself. Please know that there are lots of Christian intellectuals, even in the Church of Christ. You can't think your way to faith; but you can be a person of faith who thinks.
posted by wallaby at 7:56 AM on August 17

Wow, this is quite the thread. It makes me feel so glad to have grown up in an atheist household. With that in mind, I can't really offer a practical perspective or share any good stories with you like the other posters.

But... one thing keeps running through my head while reading these responses that advise moderation. And that is a mantra I try to live by, namely: you only get one life, and you only get one now. Make the most of it.

I can't say what's the best approach for you. Maybe concealing things, for financial reasons or otherwise, works out best. But then you're wasting precious moments of your life---perhaps even years---that you will never get to experience as someone free from lies. You will spend that time feeling resentful toward yourself and your environment. And your personal growth, and your path in life, will be artificially held back. Is that a worthwhile tradeoff? I can't say, since I am so far removed from your situation, but it's hard to imagine.
posted by Jacen Solo at 9:11 AM on August 17

I find the "get out of the Christian college and get into a secular college ASAP" line of thought amusing, since a) I know a lot of atheist graduates of evangelical and fundamentalist Christian colleges and b) I know a lot more current Christians who are graduates of public universities (including myself, who graduated from a large public university with a very New Age and/or atheist student population in a very liberal town).

So here's a little secret the Christian college doesn't want to tell you: There are others like you in your college. Agnostics, "apostates," and others. I bet if you were to look carefully, you'll find the underground.

As for the college itself: Is it accredited? What do graduates of the college do? Are the graduates from your major successful? (I'm assuming the degree options include things besides the usual assembly of pre-M.Div majors.) IIRC, the ICOC has no four-year universities, only Bible schools and missionology institutes, so that probably means you're going to a fundamentalist four-year school. And most of those are accredited. If you get a Bachelor's degree from this school and the school is accredited, no admissions committee will hold it against you unless it's run by militant atheists.

If it's not accredited and/or all the majors are religious (i.e. primarily theology degrees), then yes, get out now, find another college, and put yourself through. But if it is an accredited school and it does have some breadth, get your degree and get out. Smile and nod. Keep out of trouble. Find the underground.

As for your parents, yeah, what meg_murry said -- their issues are theirs. Right now may be the wrong moment to say anything. Bide your time to have the conversation, and do it not out of anger but where you are. The opportunity will come.
posted by dw at 10:36 AM on August 17

Another former fundamentalist for not saying anything, and leaving the Christian college.

I was raised in the Evangelical Free Church of America. I became skeptical in high-school and said nothing until college. And then I started bringing up certain things with my parents, because college and philosophy classes and the east coast made me an arrogant asshole for a while. You can imagine how those conversations went. Mother in tears, parents blaming themselves, parents saying things like 'we won't see you in heaven...,' the 'big city' changed you, and all around some pretty horrible stuff. They held their financial support of me against me, leveraging it to make me go to church when I was home, etc., which did nothing but make me feel extremely guilty (guilt which still gives me some pretty serious mental problems). The last time we talked about it was after I had had a good amount of Johnny Walker (which helps me survive visits home...) and ended in me and my father almost getting in a fist fight. We no longer talk about religion or politics, and our relationship is better than ever.

I love my parents dearly. I respect their religious views and their commitment to their lifestyle, but its simply not for me and coming to terms with that has been rough on both ends. If you love yours, don't tell them. It's really not necessary and causes a lot of unneeded pain, anguish and stress for everyone involved.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:29 PM on August 17

I went through the same, but didn't leave the faith until after graduation. My particular choice of college education is the greatest shame and regret of my life, and I hope you will not make that mistake.

You do not owe your parents disclosure of the inner workings of your heart and mind. Go to a school that will prepare you for your future, and don't tell them why. Don't lie, and don't hide anything. Just avoid the subject.

Once you are independent and on your own, if your parents harass you, tell them that every time they do so, you will walk out immediately and ground them from contact with you for a set period of time. If this does not enforce their civility even after repeated application, look the offending party firmly in the eye, and explain the role reversal in a calm but firm voice. You are now in the role of disciplinarian. You will care for them in their dotage, and to receive that from you, they must treat you with respect. In all likelihood, they will realize the desperate situation their actions have created, and just how much more they need you than you need them. If that does not work, do not speak to them for years at a time. You do not have to put up with harassment.

For thoughts on whether your current school meets your educational goals, please read the section "Marks of a Good Education" on my webpage, "Why Not To Attend PCC".

If you receive dire warnings that secular universities are hotbeds of pregnancy, disease and addiction, you can remark that if all you want is to avoid things, you can do so just as well without going to college, and save money. The purpose of a higher education is not to avoid things, part of it is to learn to take risks. With risks come opportunities, including career and entrepreneur opportunities. That is the mindset you need.
posted by Matt Arnold at 10:04 PM on August 17

It seems that a lot of us have experienced the same struggle on our way to independent thinking. Do take into consideration what part of the US you live: it was much easier, at least for me, to feel part of a community in the East even without belonging to a church.

When my family moved to the central part of the United States I found that the community is the church and that it is very difficult to connect if you rely entirely on school, work, or common interests for friendship. Luckily, as several people have mentioned, it is not very hard to find a church community that believes that religion ought to be intellectually honest, emotionally satisfying, biblically responsible, and socially significant (Robin Meyers).
posted by francesca too at 5:40 AM on August 18

You are me a couple of years ago. Somewhere between my sophomore and junior years at Bob Jones University, I "lost my faith." I couldn't reconcile the idea that God is acclaimed as loving and just with the butchery that God ordered in Deuteronomy and Joshua.

If I had to do it over again, I would have changed schools. I would recommend that you do so, if you can. If your parents need an explanation for why you want to change schools, find some third-party recommendations for the new university. I had to grit my teeth through hateful daily chapel messages for two years, and I wish I had gotten myself out of that environment.

If you go into a secular college now, you will have the advantage of building a network of friends and contacts in the "real world," a process I'm finding to be a bit more difficult outside of college.

I also recommend that you not tell your parents, unless they ask you directly. Don't lie, but don't tell them either.

What good will it do to tell them? In my case, I don't think they'd kick me out of the family, but they would be devastated. They'd bring me up in prayer services, saying that I'm "away from the Lord." They'd find a way to work it into conversations, hoping that I'd turn around. It would be a wedge between us.

It may still come up one day, especially if/when I pursue a relationship with someone "outside the flock." But for now, while I still live with my parents, it seems like the best option.

It's up to you to decide which is: more important to you: complete openness about your faith, or maintaining your current relationship with your family and sparing them pain. No path is easy or "right."
posted by JDHarper at 9:34 PM on August 18 [1 favorite has favorites]

Another former CoC person chiming in here. I think that a lot of great advice has already been given, so I won't beat a dead horse. I'd just like to add a thing or two more from the viewpoint of someone with a very similar upbringing.

As far as the college goes, only you can decide if the stress of being there is too much for you. However, some have suggested that you will not get a marketable degree there, or have credits that won't transfer. The big ones that I knew of - Harding, Freed and Lipscomb - are fully accredited universities. You can get a good solid education there and credits are transferrable (I know people that transferred out after um "moral indiscretions.") I also know people who graduated from those same universities who have successful professional careers in fields such as psychiatry (with advanced degrees elsewhere obviously), business, education, etc.

I concur with the people who have pointed out that there are plenty more liberal CoC leaders in other congregations, within the colleges, etc. That may or may not be helpful to your current predicament, but they do exist. Finding them is harder since they often don't broadcast their beliefs, but if you can find one they could offer a great deal of support for you right now.

On the issue of talking to your parents, I can only offer how I dealt with my situation. Everyone's families are different and I don't know if my choice will work for you. I chose the passive, "don't tell" route. Some might say that isn't being honest about who I am, but for me it was the best choice. I knew that telling my mother would crush her to the core, and she is a very sensitive person. I could not put that burden on her. I live in a different city, and am not in town very often on Sundays (or Wednesdays). I didn't feel that it would benefit her in any way to know that I no longer shared her beliefs. It would also not make my life better for disclosing that to her. However, I am not dependent upon her financially, so take that for what it's worth.

If the school is a very stressful and negative place for you right now, come up with viable reasons to leave it without bringing up the issue of religion. Forcing your parents to deal with this when it could jeopardize your father's position as an elder is not needed unless you feel like you HAVE to. Only you can make that decision. (I wouldn't lie about it, I just wouldn't bring it up unless forced.) voltairemodern's story of St. Athanasius is a perfect example of being honest without needlessly causing harm.
posted by 3fluffies at 1:31 PM on August 19

ACU grad / atheist / still remembers all the words to "How Great Thou Art". Clap yer trap to your parents and STUDY your new beliefs. Find like-minded persons (at CofC school it's easier to find folks with your background to ruminate with. Folks with different upbringings will never get why it's such a big deal.) Talk this shit out a thousand times, then slowly, gently reveal to your parents. They may never stop trying to bring you back. You'll have to figure out what your tolerance for that is and how hard a line to draw...down the road a ways. Message me-I know a ton of EX-CofCers!
posted by kristymcj at 10:52 PM on August 19