boyfriend is hiding medication- should I worry?

August 16, 2009 5:52 PM

My boyfriend is taking an antidepressant and didn't tell me, and now I'm worried for him and for us. Is there anything I can do?

My boyfriend of three years is taking Zoloft again. He told me about taking meds before, but I thought it was all in the past. Then I found a printout from the pharmacy showing a refill dated two weeks ago. We live together and this sort of thing is usually mentioned, but he's probably hiding the pills and he hasn't told me. He tells me he's stressed about his work but leaves it at that. I asked him before I knew about the meds if I could help him feel less stressed because he seems a little withdrawn from our relationship, and he said it's not about me and the lack of affection was all to do with job/life stress.

I probably won't bring up the meds, because it's something he's allowed to keep to himself, but I'm worried about why he doesn't trust me with how he's feeling and what it means for the relationship. I work with people who take such medication, and I have an open mind about it- I haven't said anything that would make him feel stigmatized.

If he won't talk about it when he's depressed, sometimes I take it personally. I think he doesn't tell me because he thinks it will stress me out or just make it worse for him, but that's going to strain the relationship eventually. I know the treatment is between him and his doctor, but I want to do everything I can as a partner to help. How do I bring this up with him in a way that lets him keep boundaries he's comfortable with while opening up the communication? I'm also really worried that he is checked out of the relationship already if he won't talk to me, and that it's only a matter of time until he decides to break up with me.

Our relationship is generally easy going and healthy and we have no problems talking about sex or life goals or money, or any of the usual communication blocks. Now I feel like it's all fragile and there's nothing I can do that won't make the situation worse. If I probe, he'll suspect I know about the meds and still might refuse to talk more about how he's been feeling. If I don't probe, I'll have no way of distinguishing his stress from a problem with the relationship, or something I could be doing differently.
Is there anything I can or should do here?

posted by anonymous to human relations (30 comments total)

If your relationship has no problems, then what's the problem?
posted by cmoj at 5:56 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

I think you are overthinking this.

Some folks have a brain chemistry problem leading to depression, and zoloft can help with it. Just maybe he has an inkling you would grill him re the topic and he just doesn't feel like opening up the conversation again.

Just so you know, tons of people take these sorts of meds and have no pressing need to inform others of it.

(I'm not trying to be snarky with you, really, but I am recommending you....calm down?)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:00 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

Your expression "it's something he's allowed to keep to himself" gives me an odd feeling that your relationship might not be as easy as you say it is. "Allowed" sounds rather controlling to me. As cmoj points out, when you say your "relationship has no problems" maybe that's a hint that you need to give your boyfriend space. Just be kind, don't pry, and if possible don't worry either.
posted by anadem at 6:02 PM on August 16

anonymous: "If he won't talk about it when he's depressed, sometimes I take it personally."

Sounds ot me like there's your answer. Theory: he knows you take it personally when he is depressed and therefore, he's not telling you because he doesn't want you to take it personally because it probably has nothing to do with you.

To continue in the fine AskMe tradition of answering things other than the question at hand: you sound like you could benefit from some thought about why you take it personally, and maybe exploration of that; are you very sensitive to the moods of others and feel "responsible" for them?

I get very worried when my husband is depressed, which does absolutely no good; in fact it makes things worse because now as well as the depression, he has the guilt of worrying me to deal with as well. It's something I'm still trying to stop doing.
posted by subbes at 6:03 PM on August 16 [8 favorites]

You have no reason to think this is about trusting you, and it's kind of selfish to take this personally. You're somehow making this about yourself; could that be why he didn't tell you? If not, they are tons of reasons why he might decide to keep this to himself, and most of them have nothing to do with trust or the health of your relationship. Maybe he's having trouble coming to terms with it himself? Maybe he needs to think about this a little more? You said it, but it doesn't seem like you have internalized it: it's something he's allowed to keep to himself.

If your relationship has no problems, don't make this a problem. Please don't overreact and understand that he probably made a difficult decision and what sounds like a difficult time in his career.
posted by spaltavian at 6:06 PM on August 16 [4 favorites]

I dated a woman who didn't tell me that she was taking an antidepressant until almost a year into our relationship. It didn't matter one bit. Some people take blood pressure medication, some people take cholesterol medication, some people take antidepressants: as long as your boyfriend isn't currently depressed to an extent that interferes with his/your (plural) happiness or ability to function, it's not a big deal. He probably realizes this and it just hasn't occurred to him to talk to you about it because whatever he told you about having taken a/ds previously covers everything relevant.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:09 PM on August 16

I think you should tell him what you saw. This isn't going to go anywhere if you're both hiding facts. And honestly, whether he's allowed to "keep it to himself" or not, he no longer has that option: you know, he just isn't aware of it yet.

Emotional withdrawal is a very common response to depression. Among men in particular not communicating about depression is so commonplace that when I was in counseling my therapist gave me a book about it.

While it's important for you to communicate how your boyfriend's depression is affecting you, you seem quick to interpret what's going on with him internally as signs that he's not invested in the relationship. You should give him more benefit of the doubt: I personally know how hard it can be to reach out and connect when you are contending with depression while at the same time valuing and wanting to preserve your relationship. He will need to open up but get the facts out in the open first.
posted by nanojath at 6:14 PM on August 16

It's reasonable to not bring it up. Sometimes, a secret isn't some bad thing, it's just something you don't want to share. It's personal. And, that's not a reflection on you.

If I had to speculate, it might be that he doesn't want a barrage of questions, and constant pointing to depression as a cause of every thing from this point forward. It's exhausting and disappointing and infuriating. By that I mean, sometimes people will ask about your mood and feelings as regularly as they'd check your temperature. Always with a worried look. And, they interpret every action as a "sign". They re-diagnose you constantly. It becomes something they can't look past, ever.

Just leave it alone.
posted by Houstonian at 6:18 PM on August 16

Also, "not telling you" isn't the same as "hiding it from you". You're putting a very dark construction on this.
posted by spaltavian at 6:22 PM on August 16 [3 favorites]

Aren't you currently "hiding from him" the fact that you saw the printout?

I'd apologize to him, say you found it and read it before you realized it was his personal, private medical information, and leave it at that. Then he can talk to you if he wants, or not if he doesn't.
posted by palliser at 6:34 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

I think Palliser is right. If you continue to pretend you don't know, you're just prolonging the effort he's making to "hide" it from you, probably from simple embarrassment. So in some small way, you're adding unnecessary stress.

And depending on your own personality, you may yourself be too tempted on day to bring it up at the wrong time, like for a "gotcha!" point during an argument... unless you take it off the table kindly, and sooner.
posted by rokusan at 6:40 PM on August 16

I think subbes is on to something - you're worried because you're taking his depression personally.

Really: depression, the treatable-with-medication kind, is about brain chemicals. Yes, there are triggering factors usually (sounds like for him, it's work stress) but ultimately it's much less a situational thing and much more a biological thing.

It must be very hard as his partner to deal with him when he's depressed and not internalize at least some of it, especially if he is like a lot of people with depression (and it sounds like he is) and withdraws when he is going through an episode.

It's not about you though. Make that your mantra. It's not your fault, and it's not about you.

If you can stay strong and be supportive, I can almost guarantee he will be grateful - even if he doesn't show it until he pulls out of this.

Good luck.
posted by AV at 6:47 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

I think the way you're overreacting here is probably the largest part of the reason why he was not up front with you about this. His depression doesn't have anything to do with you. Sorry that this may seem harsh.
posted by srrh at 7:19 PM on August 16

You know how annoying it is when people say, "you're protesting too much"? You know how sometimes they're right?

You say there's no stigma in taking meds...BUT you think his taking them signals a problem. You say he's allowed his privacy... BUT when he exercises that right, you think he's excluding you. You say your relationship is great... BUT this one thing makes it all fragile?

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. He's taking his medication because, as he told you, the job/life stress has increased. Let it go.
posted by misha at 7:31 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

but I'm worried about why he doesn't trust me with how he's feeling and what it means for the relationship.

He's worried that you won't love him anymore if you learn that he is a flawed being.

Act accordingly.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:35 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

Agreeing with others here; it's not about you. I did exactly the same thing when I went back on antidepressants after taking a break. I didn't tell my partner for several months. I knew he would worry, he would fret and think it was something to do with him, and that would cause problems for both of us. Most importantly, I wasn't in a place where I could actually deal with worrying about his reactions and trying to talk it through with him. When you're depressed it's often very difficult and humiliating to bring that stuff up because you feel like a failure. If you know that the person you are most intimately involved with is going to take some of your burden on themselves (and they usually do, no matter what) you feel like a double failure. I had no intentions of leaving the relationship; I just couldn't talk about it until my head was in a better space.
posted by andraste at 7:39 PM on August 16 [3 favorites]

It's not about you. Leave it alone.
posted by ook at 7:49 PM on August 16

"My boyfriend is taking Lipitor--should I worry?"

Um, no.

Seriously, no, even when you substitute "Zoloft" for "Lipitor." This is between him and his doctor.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:50 PM on August 16

I guess I'm going to disagree with a lot of the answers you've gotten so far. Personally, I would be extremely concerned if my significant other whom I lived with had a major, ongoing health issue (be it physical or mental) that they were seeking treatment for and weren't telling me about (even if just in a "I went to the doctor and they think I should restart the Zoloft" way, not necessarily details). I can certainly list every medication my partner takes, her allergies, her medical history, etc. So can she mine. I would find knowing that sort of information an important part of being a couple: the ability to participate in an emergency situation, were it ever to come up. Anonymous, you say your boyfriend must be "hiding" the pills from you, which suggests even more than just reticence, but some kind of active deception. I'd feel hurt and scared too! And I think a maintenance medication that a person is already on when you start dating is quite different from one that's being restarted (suggesting that symptoms had possibly gone away for a while and have now come back), too.

Quite frankly, I'd be really appalled at living with someone who didn't consider their health and well-being my business, especially given that living with someone with mental health issues can be really hard on the partner/family. There's some good comments above on how this is not about you, and as for his issues, they're not. But please be sure to take care of yourself: your quality of life and own mental balance can be easily affected by his recurring depression. It sounds like you're already experiencing anxiety and distress about this issue (wondering if he's planning on breaking up with you with no evidence to support that belief, feeling afraid to talk to him about it lest you upset him more, and so on), which is totally natural and understandable -- predicable, even! And without wanting to sound like every AskMe answer ever, it might not be a bad idea for you to speak with a therapist/counselor yourself. Living with someone who's depressed is really, really stressful, and the last thing you'll want is for it to become too overwhelming for you. A good, supportive (and definitely separate from his, if he's seeing one) therapist to talk some of this over with could do wonders for your own mood!
posted by lysimache at 8:41 PM on August 16 [3 favorites]

Depression will put a strain on the relationship, whether or not he talks to you about it; whether or not he takes it all on himself. Nthing leave it alone. There can be many reasons why someone would not want to talk about their struggle, and second-guessing those reasons (not that I'm saying you are) won't help you or him.

For more background on some of the myriad ways people feel about antidepressants when on and off them, take a quick skim of a good book called "Is it me or my meds"; written from interviews of people who are taking or have taken the drugs. It has a mix of perspectives and points of view on taking them. The one thing I took away from the book was that most people who take antidepressants have an ambivalence about being on them at one point or another; many would prefer not to be on the meds, if possible.

So I see the fact that he's going back to treatment as a good sign. It shows that he's aware of his limitations in dealing with it, and is going back to something that worked for him in the past. I understand the desire to do all that you can for him; what can be harder for partners to understand is that sometimes other people won't really help things that much.

If you do bring the fact that you know this to his attention, the main thing that he needs to hear is that you are there for him.
posted by Hardcore Poser at 8:46 PM on August 16

Wow, I'm surprised about most of these answers, as they seem to be unfairly harsh.

You've been together for three years and you live together, it makes sense that if he has health issues that he's dealing with, you would want to know about it. It's been said many times on Ask me that communication is essential in relationships, and you two haven't been communicating. He's taking medication and didn't tell you; you found out and didn't tell him. You found out about his medication and now have some concerns- that's a normal reaction. Talk to him about it. Don't confront or accuse him of hiding it from you, just tell him that you found the prescription and you wanted him to know that you're aware of it, and that he can talk to you about it if he chooses. He might even be relieved that it's out in the open.
posted by emd3737 at 8:47 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

Some of the comments posted so far seem a little overly snarky/critical, IMHO. Anonymous is in a three-year relationship. The boyfriend has talked about taking antidepressants previously; this time he's taking them again, but keeping mum. Anonymous is concerned for his/her boyfriend's state of mind, and as depression can affect both parties in a relationship, that seems fair.

Whether or not you tell him that you've seen the refill slip would, I expect, depend on the nature of your relationship. If you do decide to clear the air, I'd go with palliser's advice - apologize, explain how you came to see it, and leave whether he'd like to talk about it (and when that conversation takes place) up to him.

Depression isn't the kind of burden that can truly be shared, even with supportive partners. Unlike, say, recovering from a bad break-up, talking about it with you may not bring any resolution or relief to him. He may wind up feeling more worried about your now-increased concern. So before you interpret his silence as mistrust, remember that the motivation might be very different.

If your relationship is generally good and supportive, the best thing you can do is to keep it that way. There isn't a hell of a lot you can do to help a depressive not be depressed. Helping out more with household chores - grocery shopping, maybe taking over with laundry duties, etc. -- can be useful in practical terms if he's having troubles with motivation (if he's keeping up just fine on his own, that's a healthy sign). As AV said, although your support might not be acknowledged, it will be appreciated.

If possible, try to view the medication as a positive thing -- your boyfriend has recognized that he's dealing with mental illness and is seeking out treatment. That's an important step. If he's able to manage it with medication, as many do, that's fantastic. No need to let it rule your relationship. If not, and if you find the distance between you two is persisting, that's something to address if the problem arises.
posted by nicoleincanada at 8:52 PM on August 16 [1 favorite]

anonymous: If I probe, he'll suspect I know about the meds and still might refuse to talk more about how he's been feeling. If I don't probe, I'll have no way of distinguishing his stress from a problem with the relationship, or something I could be doing differently.

You are failing to understand the basic role of Zoloft: to alleviate depression, not stress or relationship problems.

It's conceivable that he's stressed about you, or depressed about your relationship, but it is far more likely that he is treating a chemical problem with a chemical solution - in other words, that it has nothing to do with you.

I don't know how things work in your relationship, but in mine, people are entitled to privacy. Whilst I would like to think my partner would alert me were he taking any medication, I wouldn't think the sky was falling if he didn't.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:01 PM on August 16

I think that nicoleincanada and emd3737 make a good point which I overlooked: if your partner of three years with whom you live starts taking Lipitor without ever discussing it, or his concerns about his cholesterol, with you, that might indicate some issues with communication in the relationship.

But I still sympathize with the partner, because the questioner doesn't seem to get that Lipitor and Zoloft are both medications that treat symptoms of potentially dangerous chemical imbalances; the difference is that Lipitor treats the metabolism of cholesterol, while Zoloft treats the metabolism of serotonin.

If he won't talk about it when he's depressed, sometimes I take it personally. See, if my husband shared this attitude, I would do my damnedest not to ever discuss my issues with depression with him.

Perhaps this is emblematic of a larger problem in communication within the relationship. Maybe a couple of sessions with a couples therapist might help?
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:39 PM on August 16

In the past, I've been on both sides of a partnership where one or the other is taking mood-altering medications. Aside from the larger stigma and all that, which other people seemed to have mentioned, I know that my partner and I both got sort of tired of the other person chalking up our various behaviors to our individual meds.

"Oh, you seem down today. Did you remember your pill?"

Whether the pill was remembered or not, sometimes it's just a little bothersome to have the other person totally aware about your medication, especially if they change the way they act around you. It's petty, but it's kind of true. You want your pills to help you be normal, and if the other person brings it up a lot, it makes it feel not as normal.

Unless there's been problems in the past that make it necessary for you to be vigilant about his pilltaking, it doesn't seem like this latest prescription should be worrisome.

However, since now you noticed it, you should probably mention that you saw the slip. Or, if too much time has passed to mention it fluidly, wait until another opportunity falls in your lap.
posted by redsparkler at 12:55 AM on August 17

Seriously? Lay off. Be glad that he's being responsible and serious about his depression and seeing a professional about getting help.

Jesus.
posted by InsanePenguin at 3:10 AM on August 17 [2 favorites]

The thing about depression, unlike, say, high blood pressure, is that many people view it as a personal failing, and thus are ashamed of it. Logically, would you be ashamed that your body had difficulty regulating its blood pressure? Of course not, you would take your medication and be done with it. But turn that around and say your body's neurotransmitters were out of whack. The common sense approach would be the same as with the high blood pressure, you would take appropriate medication and get on with your life.

But that is not the approach many people take. Instead, they think that something must be wrong with them and hide it, even from loved ones.

Your language concerns me: "I work with people who take such medication, and I have an open mind about it". Do you have an open mind about people taking their blood pressure pills? What about vitamins? Still open? Could your partner be picking up on your subconscious feelings towards antidepressants/mental health?

Finally, it's been said before upthread, but his depression is not about you. I know that it affects you, and that's something that is difficult to deal with, but at the end of the day, it's in his head. Maybe the way to approach this is to educate yourself about depression and talk to other partners of people with depression for coping methods.
posted by crankylex at 5:48 AM on August 17

You are not actually aware that he is taking any medication. Perhaps, feeling down occasionally, maybe due to his job stress, he talked to his doctor, and his doctor chose to call or fax in a prescription if he feels he needs to start taking it again. Scheduling an appointment is hard. Maybe, if you work with people on depression meds, he worries you will diagnose him yourself silently if you know he is taking them. Maybe, he sweetly doesn't want to worry you because he doesn't think it's a big deal. Maybe he forgot, or thought he told, something I do to my SO at least once a week. Mention you saw the slip and you're sorry. If he tells you a long story about months of depression, maybe you have a communication problem that some therapy could address. If he forgot or didn't think it was a big deal---trust him.
posted by itsonreserve at 6:49 AM on August 17

Its really not about you, seriously. I've been on zoloft and other stuff for sometime. And while my gf knows everything, its not something I really like talking about with anyone.

Taking medication for depression is a tough choice to make for many people. And its a really personal thing, even for people who are usually very open. Let him work out what he's gotta work out. He'll tell you when he can.

Don't stress about it.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:37 PM on August 17

Echoing Lutoslawski, and other similar comments. There are many reasons why he might want to tell you: a sense of shame at being depressed; not wanting to burden you; or even not wanting to burden himself (my last episode of depression, the hardest thing was coming out to my girlfriend, and having to constantly explain where I was at, mentally, and how the drugs were affecting me. It felt like it would have been so much easier to be on my own, so I wouldn't have to keep apologising for not wanting to go out. So I could just lie around in bed if that's what I wanted to do). These thoughts aren't necessarily rational, but they are part of depression.

It definitely isn't about you.
posted by Infinite Jest at 4:33 AM on August 18