Adventures In Babysitting

August 16, 2009 12:09 PM

Hiring-a-nanny-filter: did the interviews, chose the perfect nanny. Then she dropped off the face. Hired someone else. Then the original nanny resurfaced with an excellent explanation. I want the original nanny! What to do?

This is three months of prep in the making: we're in Europe doing 2 months of work here, then another city, and then another city. Lots of meetings, shoots, and general logistics must be done, during which our kids have to be... elsewhere, being enriched, with a nanny.

With the help of an online service I've used (with great success) in the past, I had an initial list of about 10, pared it down to four, and the winning candidate was great in the interview. I emailed the other candidates to tell them sorry and thanks but I'd chosen someone else.

Didn't hear back from her. Didn't hear back. Still didn't hear back. Totally confused. She seemed to really want the job. She seemed like such a good fit. She and I seemed to have a great rapport. She really didn't give off the Flakey McFlakerpants feeling.

10am, 11am, 12pm... in this digital world of ours, by 2pm I started to worry. Given our speed of back and forth via email and phone in the past, by 4pm I started to really worry. And by 6pm panic set in. We have absolutely unmoveable, important it-took-ages-to-arrange-there-will-be-no-rearranging meetings tomorrow afternoon. She knows this. More importantly, *I* know this. And I am shitting myself at the prospect of no childcare for tomorrow (and having to start over on the hiring process to cover the rest of our stay here).

At 7pm I threw up my hands and called another candidate who had seemed great in the initial rounds but when salary negotiations began was way more expensive. In light of the fact that no childcare is not an option, 30% more was suddenly a small price to pay. So we talked and I booked her for tomorrow. No interview, but she's older, very competent via email, I'm confident in her background, etc.

Then I got a text from the winning candidate - she'd lost her phone, is thrilled about the position, and is all rearing to go for tomorrow. Obviously she has no idea what's gone on at my end today, since she hasn't heard my messages and hasn't seen that I've called her no fewer than six times. All she's heard is that I've chosen her for the job and it starts tomorrow.

But in essence: F*ck! Now what?

So this is what I want to do: I want to take the original winning candidate. I want to say thanks sorry sorry sorry sorry THANKS and SORRY to the new expensive candidate that I managed to book for tomorrow. But given my epiphany about the salary being worth it, I want to slap a sudden raise onto what I was going to pay the original winning candidate, since this seems only fair given I was going to pay the sight-unseen older nanny as much to be the last-minute saviour.

How would you handle this? Would you take the original nanny? Would you stick with the new one and tell the original to suck eggs? How do you explain to the new nanny that you don't want them anymore? What to do?

(I'm still recovering from the adrenalin panic of an hour ago when I had no candidates, and my judgement may be questionable.)

posted by Mrs Hilksom to human relations (41 comments total)

How long did it take the original nanny to get back to you? Less than a day?

Given that the new nanny starts tomorrow, I think it's a little late to cut her off for tomorrow's work. Maybe keep her for a week (telling her at the beginning that plans have changed- it's not her concern why), let her go, and bring in the original nanny for after that?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:24 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think you should pay the old nanny for the week, and tell her that you apologize for the mixup. Then you can hire your new nanny with no guilt.
posted by sully75 at 12:26 PM on August 16 [9 favorites has favorites]

I would concentrate on who do you want for your kids. From the sound of it, this nanny will be spending a lot of time with your kids and you should decide accordingly. If you feel most comfortable with the original nanny, stick with her and tell the second one sorry, but no thanks & leave it at that.
posted by jmd82 at 12:28 PM on August 16

And upon posting, I wouldn't even hire her for the week. That would complicate things even more. Cutting her our of the equation before she gets involved with the kids is the easiest route (assuming the original nanny can start tomorrow).
posted by jmd82 at 12:30 PM on August 16

I think: Hire the nanny you want (the original one).

You told the new nanny she was hired. And that does create some obligation between you and her. Paying her a week's wage to cover the mixup might be a fair way to meet that obligation. Ask her what she thinks would be fair.
posted by ManInSuit at 12:38 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'd pay her for the first week, or at least the first day, to make up for the hassle, but not employ her. Explain that something else came up and you're sorry for the inconvenience, and so on.
posted by rokusan at 12:38 PM on August 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

yep, pay her for the week and hire the original choice....

And, never call the ones that didn't get the job until the one you've hired accepts the position... I learned that a long time ago..
posted by HuronBob at 12:49 PM on August 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

If your plans are that important, you might want to have a backup on standby. She may well have lost her phone, but if she didn't, and your original instincts were incorrect, you could be up a creek if she flakes out again.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 12:56 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

Take the original nanny.

And compensate the new nanny. Everyone here seems to be saying to give her a week's salary.

To be honest, I think it should be two week's salary.
posted by marsha56 at 1:00 PM on August 16

Uh, just to clarify, I made the new plan with the new nanny tonight, two hours ago. You're saying I should pay her two weeks' salary for a plan made two hours ago? I am tending to agree with those saying I should compensate her for the day, considering she had no plan whatsoever with me until 120 minutes ago.

Thots?
posted by Mrs Hilksom at 1:17 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I just have to say, if I were busy/flaky and didn't bother to answer increasingly frantic-I-want-to-hire-you messages, I would totally say I lost my phone when I finally called back. You can call your voicemail from another phone to check your messages, you know.

That being said, I wouldn't expect her to be on call to be hired and answer the phone immediately to begin baby sitting the next day if you hadn't made that clear in the interview.
posted by artychoke at 1:22 PM on August 16 [5 favorites has favorites]

You're saying I should pay her two weeks' salary for a plan made two hours ago?

Yes. To be honest (sorry) you sound like a total flake. You freaked out when a candidate didn't get back to you within a few hours, having already told other candidates that the position was taken (when it wasn't; you had no way of being certain that the candidate you wanted was going to accept the position). Now you've got someone else to clear her calendar for you for two months at very short notice and you want to tell her, oh, sorry, thanks but no thanks!

Rude, and unforgivable in my book. Get your act together.

Sorry for being harsh, but that's my personal opinion, which you asked for.
posted by different at 1:25 PM on August 16 [36 favorites has favorites]

Personally, I'd think paying her for the day would be sufficient.
posted by selfmedicating at 1:27 PM on August 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

Considering how important this is, you really did leave the final choice until the last minute (seriously, the day before you need this nanny, even if you let her know early in the day, seems last minute to me).

So I think you should definitely pay the (2nd choice) nanny for the day, and thank her for being willing to work for you, and then hire that first nanny you wanted, provided she can come in first thing in the morning. I would stipulate to first-choice nanny that you would like a backup means of communication with her to avoid this kind of problem in the future--does she have an email address? a land line and a cell phone?

I think a week's pay is a bit exorbitant, because you are not actually going to have her watch your kids at all, and so I'd pay her for the day as she has already cleared whatever plans she had. Now, if she had other prospects, and had to cancel everything for the entire two months you need someone, that's another story. Again, you waited really late to settle this.

But I do know that grapefruitmoon is a nanny, and an active member here, and I think she would be a great resource to ask if you are worrying about the proper compensation for 2nd choice nanny.
posted by misha at 1:31 PM on August 16

This question was written kind of confusingly and it was hard for me to figure out the timing. Seems like all this happened just today, but the level of urgency just seems out of line with the fact that I guess all these plans came together like, two hours, ago. (I mean: "dropped off the face"? "Flakey McFlakerpants"? WTF?) Also even if the first-choice nanny was pretty good at getting back to you quickly, a few more hours pass and you start freaking out like she got kidnapped or something? That doesn't make sense to me.

But anyway, that's neither here nor there. I think you should go with nanny no. 1, and what you pay nanny no. 2 probably should depend on what she did in the 120 minutes while she was relying on this new position that she thought she had acquired. I mean, did she call up other potential employers and say, No, thanks, I've got a job now? Did she turn down work that she now can't get? Or did she just sit around and do nothing? Even if the latter is true, it seems like you owe her something for jerking her around, even a little - what that "cancellation fee" should be is I guess up to you, based on her expectations and salary, and not something that I can really answer. Maybe a few days' worth pay.
posted by chinston at 1:35 PM on August 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

Just to forestall the pile-on about OP being a total flake, this is how I see the situation:

Mrs. Hilksom et famille just arrived in Europe from Canada (judging from her profile) where she will be working for the next months. My guess is that she pared down the list of nannies from the previously used service in advance, but waited until they arrived in country this weekend to do interviews with the finalists.

If that is correct, this seems less last-minutey. Mrs. Hilksom said that the nannies being considered knew that she had a meeting coming up Monday; it seems probable that she also informed them in advance that she would be interviewing this weekend (Saturday?) and would make a job offer Sunday.

With all of that in mind, and having just arrived in Europe where she is trying to juggle work, family, and a new country, her increasing anxiety as hours passed this morning seems to make a lot of sense.

My .02: pay the second nanny for the day tomorrow, thank her and ask if she is willing to be a back-up nanny in case of unexpected problems. Go with the original nanny that you liked so much, but be ready to jump ship if there are any more communication problems.
posted by arnicae at 1:54 PM on August 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

Speaking as a current nanny:
I think you're overcomplicating things here. Calm down. Breathe.
Call the "other" nanny back, and tell here there are a big mixup, and you apologize, and because of the trouble, you're going to pay her one DAY's salary. If she's got her act together, she'll try to refuse. Don't let her.
Keep your original plans with the 1st choice nanny, and then rest assured you probably have a backup already ready and willing should 1st choice nanny need a sickday (or whatever)
posted by hasna at 2:01 PM on August 16 [8 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, I hate to join the bandwagon, but this seems like incredibly flaky behavior on your part - you wait until the last minute to do things, expect answers within a short number of hours, but when you change your mind after having *made* a commitment, you expect to be let off the hook without it costing much of anything? Perhaps that unwanted nanny turned down other jobs. You owe her three to five day's pay, in my mind, for canceling with so little notice after you'd confirmed.
posted by Dee Xtrovert at 2:05 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

I am a nanny in NYC.

Your original candidate's behavior is indicative of someone who doesn't have the level of responsibility and thoughtfulness that you need in a highly reliable nanny.

1. She lost your phone. That is not a good sign, although it does happen.
2. She should have let you know earlier that she had lost her phone. She knew when the position started and how important this is to you and should have considered that.
3. She has email access. Why didn't she email you when she realized she had lost her phone?
4. Why did she text you instead of calling you to hash out the details of her employment and make sure she was all set for tomorrow?
5. If she had your number, why didn't she call earlier to let you know that she had lost her phone but you could contact her on her mother's/friend's phone?

Nannies have to be MORE considerate and MORE empathetic than people in most professions, and she really dropped the ball on this one.

If you still keep the newer nanny, pay the old nanny for a week and hope that she didn't turn down any more offers.

Don't give the new nanny a raise; if it makes you feel better and you can afford it, give her a bonus after she does a good job for you. But don't reward her for being inconsiderate of you.
posted by kathrineg at 2:12 PM on August 16 [11 favorites has favorites]

"She lost your phone" should be "She lost her phone"
posted by kathrineg at 2:13 PM on August 16

This plan has been three months in the making. The logistics are confusing, so I didn't elaborate in the original post.

To clarify, we are in Denmark for one week. Everyone we shortlisted to nanny for this portion of the trip knew it was a one-week gig. We are moving on to Germany where it is a new, two-week gig for a different nanny. Then on to Spain where it will be two weeks for yet another nanny. Hence the long time over in Europe, but the current situation deals with a week-long gig only here in Denmark.

I've been interviewing people by email until now, keeping the shortlisted candidates informed and up to date about our schedule. Because we are only a one-week gig and we valued flexibility and reliability, I made it clear that anyone who had other obligations or opportunities should go take those other opportunities with our blessing, thanks for applying.

Everyone shortlisted knew the job started Monday August 16th well before I got here. This is a short contract, before school starts (for some candidates, who only work in the summer), but most of the candidates are looking for longer-term positions in the US or elsewhere for 12-month placements - these usually start in September, and take a while to arrange. We're an easy interim gig for them, and most of these people have other part-time employment or no work at all. This is a good quick opportunity for them to get some experience with a foreign family, and to make some fair money in a period when they probably otherwise wouldn't have work. So I got here late last week. As per the stated plan with everyone, I interviewed the final candidates on Saturday (and one this morning).

I'm not a flake. I had things lined up, the winning candidate said that she wanted the job, I confirmed with her over email last night that she wanted the job before I did the last interview, and I informed her this morning by email that yes, the job was hers. Because tomorrow we have meetings, and because I'd asked her to get back to me about arranging the schedule for tomorrow and the rest of the week, when I didn't hear back from her it felt like things were suddenly going off the rails after months of preparation. Yes, I shouldn't have let the other candidates go before final-final-final confirmation with the winning candidate. I get that. That won't happen again.

Finally: the new nanny, arranged for tomorrow, has other very flexible work and on the phone said the words, "No problem, if I wasn't working for you, I wouldn't be doing anything else this week." So it's safe to assume that she didn't cancel a giant contract to help us out.

(On preview: Thank you arnicae for the sober analysis. Correct.)
posted by Mrs Hilksom at 2:21 PM on August 16

And antychoke, this:
I just have to say, if I were busy/flaky and didn't bother to answer increasingly frantic-I-want-to-hire-you messages, I would totally say I lost my phone when I finally called back.
...was great! So true.
posted by Mrs Hilksom at 2:28 PM on August 16

Agreeing with kathrineg. Are you okay with her losing her phone if you're trying to get in touch with her about your kids?

Hiring someone who shows questionable behavior during the interview process....well, they don't usually get better during the actual job.
posted by txvtchick at 2:31 PM on August 16

That came off snarky, sorry. For a short term gig I'd suck up the extra 30% and go with the responsive candidate. Good luck either way.
posted by txvtchick at 2:34 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

You guys who are jumping on the nanny for losing her phone are not realizing that she lost her phone for A FEW HOURS, not for a few days. If you have to be a person who has never misplaced their cell phone to be qualified to nanny, I guess most nannies need to find another line of work. I've had situations at home with my phone nowhere to be found, no car, no other phone, having to wait for my SO to get home so we can call my phone to find it and/or so I can call the voicemail. Situations like that are not necessarily reflective of an irresponsible person.
posted by ishotjr at 4:16 PM on August 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

If you can't keep track of your phone, how can you keep track of children? Seriously. I think the OP is being kind of flaky here, too. If you really want Nanny #1, I'd pay Nanny #2 for the entire time you hired her for. Anything else is unprofessional.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:33 PM on August 16

Losing your phone for a few hours doesn't seem like a crime worth losing a job over, especially since you figured things were pretty much settled, but to respond with a text seems pretty weak.

Losing her phone now and not getting in touch is not the same as her doing it when she has the OP's kids under her care. I would be MUCH more conscientious if I had someone's kids with me! It doesn't seem fair to compare the two situations.

(IANAN)
posted by small_ruminant at 4:54 PM on August 16

You guys who are jumping on the nanny for losing her phone are not realizing that she lost her phone for A FEW HOURS, not for a few days.

It doesn't mean she is a bad person, but she lost her phone and was out of contact for 8 hours. The considerate, thoughtful, and resourceful thing to do would be to find some other way to get into contact sooner than 6pm...and texting instead of calling is just weird.
posted by kathrineg at 4:57 PM on August 16

Got it, OP. That's a lot clearer. No offense meant with my earlier comment - it definitely sounds like you're under a lot of stress. Good luck with your choice.
posted by chinston at 4:58 PM on August 16

Sorry but I'm curious because this seems all kinda weird; how old are the kids involved here and why are you hiring so many different babysitters? Why not just get one to travel with you? Unless it's a newborn, this type of constantly rotating staff can be pretty anxiety-producing for kids.

And to your OP, you emailed her to get back to you about beginning the job the day after you sent it and she texted you the next day after 7pm saying she had lost her phone? It's a little inconsiderate; not a trait I'd want with someone working closely with my kids. On the other hand, she won't be with them long, right?
posted by dzaz at 5:17 PM on August 16 [3 favorites has favorites]

The way you describe it, I'd say your original choice does sound like a "flake." There's lots of ways to communicate and a "lost phone" is an excuse. If you hear one excuse, you're going to hear more from her in the future.

Your second choice sounds like a much more reliable person and the reason she requires a higher pay. I'd keep the second one.
posted by VC Drake at 5:27 PM on August 16 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you can't keep track of your phone, how can you keep track of children?

Human children - even infants - don't come in a pocket-size. They can't fall out of purses, or between couch cushions. Also, they tend to make sounds when they are hungry, or thirsty, or bored. And they have a bad habit of following you when you try to abandon them in forests.

Human children are much harder to lose than phones.
posted by jb at 5:47 PM on August 16 [4 favorites has favorites]

But I do know that grapefruitmoon is a nanny, and an active member here, and I think she would be a great resource to ask if you are worrying about the proper compensation for 2nd choice nanny.

Awww. I'm all flattered.

Were I in this nanny's position, I would be happiest with a day's pay, since it was a short-term gig anyway. And yeah, I would think you were a total, total flake. Sorry to say, but I would seriously wonder how you got yourself into the position of *accidentally* hiring a second nanny in the first place. I'd shrug it off and move on, provided the family was willing to provide me with a reference for future interviews, even just a "Yeah, we interviewed her and we loved her, but someone else was a better fit." As I'm sure you well know, families are way into checking up on every single reference you've ever met and it never hurts to have a few extra as backup.

You guys who are jumping on the nanny for losing her phone are not realizing that she lost her phone for A FEW HOURS, not for a few days. If you have to be a person who has never misplaced their cell phone to be qualified to nanny, I guess most nannies need to find another line of work.

Oh seriously. Also, to keep in mind, if she was doing childcare, she might not be able to answer her phone. I don't take calls AT ALL when I'm working, unless they are from the parents I am working for at that moment. And yeah, nannies have to be extra responsible, but we are still human. Humans lose things. Especially on the weekend.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 5:54 PM on August 16 [2 favorites has favorites]

roomthreeseventeen: "If you can't keep track of your phone, how can you keep track of children?"

Not an appropriate analogy. A cell phone is a small device you absentmindedly set down somewhere while you have your hands full - perhaps while you're watching the children. I have misplaced my cell phone before, and I have never once lost a child I was caring for.

Maybe losing your cell phone for 8 hours is a little long, but I don't think it's fair to label her a flake over it. Total speculation here, but perhaps by lost she meant she left it somewhere while she went out, and realized she'd lost her phone but it took a while to get back to where she left it. I've forgotten my phone at a friend's once or twice. And if the only place she'd stored the OP's phone number was in her cell phone...

We could turn the tables just as easily and say the second one requires a higher pay because she is taking advantage of parents in a desperate situation requiring childcare.
posted by IndigoRain at 6:06 PM on August 16

I don't think it's a completely inappropriate analogy. If you were specifically waiting for a phone call about a job that was going to start tomorrow, and was apparently urgent, you wouldn't just lose it.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:27 PM on August 16

I don't think it's a completely inappropriate analogy. If you were specifically waiting for a phone call about a job that was going to start tomorrow, and was apparently urgent, you wouldn't just lose it.

Exactly; if I was left a message about starting work the day after, I'd be darned sure to make that call and confirm.

But I'm more questioning about the reasoning to hire so many nannies for short spurts.
posted by dzaz at 6:52 PM on August 16

Well, that, too. Hire a nanny from home and bring her with you.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:18 PM on August 16

If you were specifically waiting for a phone call about a job that was going to start tomorrow, and was apparently urgent, you wouldn't just lose it.

Not to derail, but...

As mentioned, I'm a nanny. I just started with a new family after my previous job ended (because the youngest child started preschool), so I've been doing interviews oh so recently. I had one interview recently that required that I travel from Boston (where I was living) to Providence (where I live now), obtain a car, drive to a town outside the city, and meet with the parents.

On that day I managed to get the car, but I left the keys to my PVD apartment in Boston. So I couldn't get into the house to change into a more suitable interview outfit. I had half an hour before the interview and I was wearing jeans and Doc Martens. I got my ass to the mall and bought a suitable outfit. Then, I discovered as I drove off just in time, that the route that I needed to take to get there was a little more complicated than I had planned - so I had to call the parents. I only had their phone number in email.

I had to drive to a parking lot and grab some wi-fi with my laptop, but I managed to get it and call to let them know I was running 5 min. late.

It was a total comedy of errors. You can say "Yeah, if I had a job interview I'd damn well know where my house keys are" but thing is: SHIT HAPPENS.

Nannies, though we do have to be ultra-responsible, are still human. Nanny #1 may have had any number of things going on where she couldn't get to her phone. It doesn't mean that she can't be trusted with children.

PS: This job? Yeah, I got the job. I couldn't take it because another family snagged me first, but yes, despite not knowing where my house keys were, given my ability to quickly adapt to the situation, the family decided that they could indeed trust me with their child.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:38 AM on August 17 [1 favorite has favorites]

As a few people have noted, Why not hire a nanny at home and bring them around with us?
To bring someone with us from Canada would have been a headache, and much more expensive (airfare, accommodation, plus salary). Most importantly, we only need between one and four hours of childcare per day, so bringing someone would have been total overkill. By hiring locally we get someone who knows each city, we get people who understand languages we don't speak, and we get to say goodbye to them at the end of the day & don't have to see them on weekends.

So this is how the story ends:
After I posted this question, I wrote the original candidate and asked her to call me asap no matter how late, and I called her voicemail to reiterate same. If she'd found a phone, any phone, and called, and said... anything plausible, I would have kept her on, called the new nanny, thanked her for her time and paid her out (thank you for the suggestions re: this, excellent), and we would have started today (Monday) with the original candidate.

However, two hours later she sent a text saying she was unsure about calling so late (9:30pm), and I didn't hear anything more from the original candidate. Gone, total radio silence despite yet another email by me saying No problem, we're waiting for your call, we need to confirm our plans for tomorrow, or even call early tomorrow morning (today, now) if you don't get this tonight. No response, nothing this morning.

So we continued with the process of hiring the new candidate and by mid-morning today we'd done the new interview, she's great, I cleared the references before lunch and she started this afternoon. We'd decided that if the original candidate surfaced we'd discuss paying her out. But she never called, hasn't emailed. Late this afternoon I wrote her an email thanking her for her interview on Saturday and said that because I hadn't heard from her that we'd hired someone else. All the best with the future, etc. If she can't be bothered to reply to any of the three messages I've left since last night I'm just not going to chase her down to try to pay her a day/week/portion of the initial offered pay.

So I dunno... if I'd sat around last night giving the original candidate the benefit of the doubt, trying to dream up scenarios of lost telephones and uncharged batteries and dead grandmothers that might be keeping her from calling me, and trusting that she'd be in touch eventually, I would have been left with no childcare for today despite months of logistics. In retrospect I'm finding myself incredibly glad I panicked and swung into action to find someone else. (And am feeling INCREDIBLY lucky that the new candidate was available, interested, and suitable.) Although I thought the original candidate's interview went great, obviously I was wrong, or something she didn't want to explain came up, or she just mysteriously decided she didn't want the job. Who knows. I asked, she hasn't told me, we found someone else, the end.
posted by Mrs Hilksom at 2:00 PM on August 17

Glad it all worked out. Here's hoping the rest of your trip goes smoothly :)
posted by LuckySeven~ at 3:16 PM on August 17

Thanks for the follow-up.
posted by small_ruminant at 6:32 PM on August 17