December 15, 2004

11:01 AM

Kids and weight: What I thought was my 10 yo daughter's body transitioning (you know how sometimes they chunk up before they have a growth spurt) seems to be staying put. [mi]
posted by SashaPT to (54 comments total)

Her weight doesn't seem to bother her, although I'm not sure she would tell me if it did.

I don't want her to be self-conscious about her weight for fear of causing an eating disorder, but I guess I do, on some level, want her to be aware.

I struggle with my weight now but didn't as a kid (one of those "hollow leg" children who could eat anything), so I don't know how to do this without messing her up.

Should I just keep quiet but stop buying Cheetos? I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who had weight issues when they were kids and what your parents did that worked, or didn't.
posted by SashaPT at 11:02 AM on December 15, 2004

What's her diet like?
posted by sic at 11:09 AM on December 15, 2004

I myself haven't dealt with this, but know folks who have, and their solution has just been to adopt a more active lifestyle family wide. Take active vacations to national parks, go for walks after dinner, cook healthier meals. At that age weight doesn't necessarily need to be a struggle--it's something that can change slowly over time in the context of a whole lifestyle.
posted by josh at 11:11 AM on December 15, 2004

She's really picky, and we are pretty accommodating to her limited repetoire. Overall, she will choose healthy foods if she's reminded about them and they're easily available; she eats lots of raw veggies and fruits and happily eats pretzels instead of chips, etc. But maybe I'm answering my own question as I type this: We're probably keeping too much snack-food crap in the house, and it's not fair to expect her to self-regulate.
posted by SashaPT at 11:16 AM on December 15, 2004

I'm happy with my weight now, but went through a chunky period as a kid (complete with teasing, etc.), and I think the family lifestyle is key. I remember being mortified when anyone so much as mentioned my weight (especially family members). I absolutely would not have been receptive to anyone having a lecture-style talk with me along the lines of "you need to lose weight, this is what you must do."

As you say, work on keeping healthier foods on hand and being more active as a family. Encourage her to do sports and other activities as her interests dicate, but don't make a big deal out of the connection between physical activity and losing weight. In my opinion, at the age of ten she's better off learning to enjoy physical activity and healthy foods for their own sake, and not as things that will fix what's wrong with her.
posted by handful of rain at 11:22 AM on December 15, 2004

Should I just keep quiet but stop buying Cheetos?

yes. i wish my parents did this for me. it would've saved me A LOT of grief.
posted by fishfucker at 11:28 AM on December 15, 2004

I agree with handful of rain. DO NOT bring this up to her. It is almost certain to scar.

Increasing family activity and changing the types of food available can go a long way in this area.
posted by Sheppagus at 11:28 AM on December 15, 2004

and the reason i say "keep quiet" is that if my folks had said "you're fucking fat" i would've felt really bad. actually, my father used to say something like that (well, in a joking fatherly manner, i guess), and it leaves a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth, mostly because I got the feeling he was really disappointed by that.
posted by fishfucker at 11:32 AM on December 15, 2004

also rain is spot-on. sounds like we had similar experiences.
posted by fishfucker at 11:33 AM on December 15, 2004

Do not mention it.

Announce that you, the parents, would like to try to see that the whole family eats healthier food (my guess is that the parents need Cheetos even less than the kid(s) does/do) and gets more regular exercise.

If you discuss it with her, you will pathologize it for her, and she only has, like, one year left before all of her peers will be pathologizing it out the ying-yang.

By focusing on the whole family's health and making a group commitment to eating and exercising in healthier ways, you'll be supporting her in learning healthy ways of being. By telling her that she is "overweight", you will be teaching her that Her Flesh Is Unwanted and A Problem.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:45 AM on December 15, 2004

I agree, do not talk to her directly about it unless it clearly becomes health-threatening obesity.

- keep unhealthy foods out of the house
- set a good eating example yourself
- engage in subtle exercise that she won't be able to decode as "I need to lose weight"
- make positive statements about healthy people on the street, in the news or whatever - but be very careful not to make them about skinny people who don't appear particularly healthy
- for adolescent girls, I think the short term danger is of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia whereas the -longer term danger is of overweight-related health issues

My (15 year old) daughter was a bit chubby for a couple of years (as I am) and I worried, but basically followed my own advice and it seems to have worked out. She still doesn't like to exercise though. YMMV.

Also, if she is only 10, I think it is a bit early to be worrying too much. Keep an eye on it. Lots of kids are rake thin before 10, then chunk up a bit, then grow into that and thats a process that may unfold over 5 years.
posted by Rumple at 11:46 AM on December 15, 2004

Also - one thing that may have contributed to my daughter's turn-around, was she read "Fast Food Nation" about 18 months ago, and soon after decided to become a vegetarian. Its not so much the lack of meat, but the general raised awareness of healthy food vs unhealthy food that helped. 10 is probably too young for that book, but not by much - its a vivid wake-up call for where food comes from, and such awareness is half the battle. Make it about healthy food, subtly work in exercise, and don't mention the weight.
posted by Rumple at 11:52 AM on December 15, 2004

Reframing it as a family issue is a great idea. Also, reframe it not as a weight issue, but as a healthy heart issue - it isn't untrue to say that being overweight is bad for one's heart. Kids aren't so hung up about heart problems as they are about weight problems.
posted by dash_slot- at 12:00 PM on December 15, 2004

I agree with everyone that a healthier life-style for the whole family is a great idea.

It could be the onset of puberty that has added some weight to her. I went through it early and was somewhat chubby from 10-11, but was outright curvy by 13.
posted by frecklefaerie at 12:08 PM on December 15, 2004

I grew up in an unhealthy lifestyle of diet and no exercise. This was instilled by my mother, who was the same way. I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I played video games, and I watched television.

I was over 200 lbs by the time I was in middle school, and 250 in high school. My max weight was 315-320 lbs, a year and a half ago, before I started a workout routine.

It took me a year and a half to get the weight off, and even now, I still have loose skin and other issues.

It is important to instill an active lifestyle and good dieting habits now. I wish my mother had done the same.
posted by benjh at 12:12 PM on December 15, 2004

Don't discuss it with her. Create an environment where she can make good choices.

My weight was an "issue" from about ten onward - family members pulled me aside to discuss it, I was teased, etc. I believe at age 10 I weight about 75lbs, so it did NOT bode well for my teen years as I continued to grow. My younger sisters were subject to the same paranoia by well meaning females in the family, and all three of us are struggling or have struggled with eating disorders as a result.

It's not her problem unless she comes to you and tells you it's her problem. And at age ten to about twelve, there's a good chance she'll go through a "square" phase before her height adjusts and her weight redistributes. And under no circumstances should you restrict her calories - she's too young for that, and it sets a bad pattern for later in her teens.
posted by annathea at 12:13 PM on December 15, 2004

I agree with what everyone has said pretty much: clean up house, exercise as a family and don't harass the kid. However, I'd also be prepared to talk to her about her weight if she wants to talk about it. Kids know when you are bullshitting them. When I hit puberty and wasn't doing it so gracefully my Mom sort of mangled the "everyone is their own beautiful unique flower" speech with a "you don't look that heavy" reply and made me self-conscious for a while until I met some friends who could give me a realistic assessment of my weight.

My grandmother was a model, my Mom grew up as a non-model and a heavyish person until she went on a stress and cigarettes diet in college and always had a weird eating issue afterwards, not a good body image, no real good perspective. We grew up with a house full of junk food that my Mom would sort of coquettishly deny herself and feed us and it was lousy. My Dad on the other hand was painfully underweight and so feeding the family was some outlet for her. We did get in to an exercise kick though, which I still enjoy. Stressing avoiding a sedentary lifestyle is a great start.

Basically, your daughter is going to know she's heavy eventually and she may or may not look to you for advice. If she does, just make sure you're clean on your own issues [if you struggle with your weight, be honest about it, for example] and try to help her grapple with hers. Whether or not she's happy with her own body isn't going to eliminate the fact that she'll probably get some level of hassling -- no matter what her body type is -- once she hits junior high and that's worth keeping in mind and trying to steel her for in any case.
posted by jessamyn at 12:21 PM on December 15, 2004

while i agree with everyone (and with your own thinking) that you shouldn't make it an issue and that you should limit/eliminate the junk food in the house and promote "active" family time (evening walks or weekend activities like hiking rather than going to movies), i disagree with the people who say you shouldn't discuss it. certainly, you shouldn't tell your daughter you're worried that she's getting fat. however, she's ten; she's going to notice the change in foodstuffs in the cupboard and the sudden "hey, let's go hiking today!" change in mom's behavior. if you don't say "I'm worried that we're all eating too much junk." or "I want you to develop healthy habits that will last your whole lifetime" she might read a very negative message into what is in fact a very positive parental move.
posted by crush-onastick at 12:23 PM on December 15, 2004

That is the age that I plumped up a bit as well. At that age simply making sure she has outside activity, not too much in front of the tv/computer/game console, and choosing healthier food should take care of it. And it is true that right before the puberty growth spurt you do tend to put on a little weight.

As for me I was fine till I gave birth to three children in under three years. Yeah, what metabolism? ;-)
posted by konolia at 12:27 PM on December 15, 2004

You say she's ten now, but when did she put on the weight? I recall getting really chunky right before I hit puberty and kept it on for a bit. Eventually it worked itself out and I was thin again.

I think you mostly answered your own questions with that. I believe it's rather hard to tell with pre-pubescent children until after a certain time, but that doesn't keep you from setting a good example.

My parents never kept sugar cereal, snack foods, etc. around the house as a child. As an adult I never buy snack food. That's not to say I don't have snacks around the house, but it's not Pringles, Coke and candy. It's soup, apples and bread. (I also never eat after 10).

I can directly link all of that to my parents' example. It seems all the activity has already been covered, but I would say don't make a big issue out of it.
posted by Captaintripps at 12:32 PM on December 15, 2004

I agree with "change the food in the house". When I was that age, the family doctor recommended that my parents limit me to 5 "starches" a day. (I guess he was 20 years ahead of the curve with the "low-carb" thing) Anyhow, it worked like a charm and I was never hungry.

I think the reason it never became a painful issue was that the focus was "you've been eating too much of a certain kind of food to be healthy" rather than "you're fat and now we're going to ban all of your favorite foods as punishment". It's all in the framing of the issue.
posted by 4easypayments at 12:35 PM on December 15, 2004

Hey, let me say this: I'm a lardass, and my parents have nagged me constantly since I got fat (about when I was 15) on it. I'm 26 now and still fat (fatter now than then).

So, just more encouragement that when parents tell their kids something detrimental to their self-esteem it is not going to have a positive effect.

Maybe one day I will actually exercise, etc. However, as long as I'm living at home and have to argue for 30 minutes every time I pick up a bag of chips I'm out of energy to do that. It's a long lasting result, too, because I remember when my parents gave up on it for a year or two, probably when I was about 20. It was too late.

Ho hum.
posted by shepd at 12:36 PM on December 15, 2004

crush-onastick -- I think people are saying, don't specifically talk to her about her weight (or at least, not yet). Rather, implement a helathy lifestyle, etc - and I don't see why that part can't be talked about, so long as it isn't done in a way that she will read as 'I am fat and ugly". You're right that kids will see through a lot of parental veils -- so some care in the presentation of the new household habits is needed.
posted by Rumple at 12:46 PM on December 15, 2004

I agree with all the comments that making it so she can have a bunch of healthy choices at home is the way to go--the environment you help create is key. You might enjoy the book The Way to Eat, by David Katz. It puts a lot of emphasis on the whole family system (and the larger society) as the place to think about changing eating, rather than individual willpower. I bet there are some snacks (like good fruit--maybe even some of those expensive summer berries that are 5 bucks now in the store!) that will seem indulgent to your daughter while still being healthy.
posted by Pattie at 12:49 PM on December 15, 2004

Get rid of the junk food and say things like "don't ruin your appetite for dinner."
posted by xammerboy at 12:57 PM on December 15, 2004

She may already sense your concern about the weight staying on (a look, a subtle gesture can be revealing), but if the weight gain is not too severe and you think she might not be on to your concerns then I wouldn't talk to her, but rather reduce the junk food and increase the exercise gradually. It's good for the whole family.

If she already senses your concern or you can't help but let her know, you may still want to make these changes gradual to help abate any sense that these wonderful things are punishment.
posted by safetyfork at 1:10 PM on December 15, 2004

Lots of good advice here about creating a healthy food environment at home and exercising as a family. But I disagree with all the fear of hurting her self-esteem. The kid knows she is fat, and her self esteem is going to suffer. The way for her to recover is to lose the weight. And surely talking about it--with love--is part of that process.

Interesting article from Salon.com: The lost language of fat "As any parent who has even dipped into parenting manuals knows, it is absolutely against the rules to call extra attention to a child's eating habits, even when they are toddlers, for fear of creating "lifelong issues" with food and irreparable harm to self-esteem." The author goes on to argue that ther is no clinical evidence for this view, and in fact early intervention with overweight kids is the key to helping them establish a good relationship with food and good self-esteem.
posted by LarryC at 1:28 PM on December 15, 2004

LarryC, you're wrong, and the Salon article is wrong, as far as my experience goes.

Fluctuations in weight are normal as kids of both genders grow--however, it is very common for girls to perceive discussions of weight (as opposed to fitness) in ways that can very quickly become pathological.

Saying, "Sweetheart, you seem to be eating more junk food and getting less exercise than I think is healthy, and, frankly, so are your daddy and I, so let's all try to have more nutritious snacks and get more exercise" is a positive intervention--"sweetheart, I think you're too heavy" is, in my experience, the quickest path into the Eating Disorders Unit.

There isn't really any "clinical evidence" one way or the other, but my own experience working with eating-disordered teens (and having been one myself) is that focusing on weight rather than fitness and health is a big trigger for disordered eating and body image.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:58 PM on December 15, 2004

I'm an example of what having a healthy diet for the household can accomplish. Growing up, it was a big deal if my brother and I got honey nut cheerios - count chocula was forbidden (for example). I hated it, but it worked in the long run.

My little sister, who is considerably younger, was treated with much less... dietary rigour. I'm thinking that my mom simply expected her to take after our examples. However, I had already hit puberty by the time she was born and was consuming everything in sight, to no ill effect. Monkey see, monkey do, if you know what I'm saying.

Anyhow, my sister got pretty chunky during her pre-teen years and continued to struggle with weight until she was about 16. My brother and I were the worst tormentors and the worst examples imaginable. Thank goodness that she was born with a take no shit personality otherwise we'd have been responsible for creating a basket case.

So what the heck am I rambling about...

1.) Maintaining a healthy diet for your child is part of good parenting. By healthy, I don't mean health-nutty, but sensible nutrition, balanced meals, and a demonstrated awareness of healthy food factors (smaller portions, lower fat,carbs,etc...).

2.) Start as soon as possible; at 10 she'll probably still be willing to pick up some good habits from you.

3.) Whatever you do, be sensitive to body image issues. I regret all the torment I put my sister through and I'd hate for someone else to grow up with that crap.
posted by C.Batt at 1:59 PM on December 15, 2004

And, ultimately, what does a parent have to lose by focusing on fitness and health rather than on weight and size? Isn't health and fitness supposed to be the ultimate goal?
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:59 PM on December 15, 2004

I totally disagree with LarryC. Salon aside, there are a lot of anecdotal experiences here that show what a negative thing it is for a family to fixate on a child's weight. People are still carrying those memories regardless of whether they have gone on to develop a weight problem or not.

In addition, there's no need for that baldfaced discussion. Children learn what they live; if a child is physically unfit and carrying too much weight, it is 100% the result of parental attitudes and actions. Sorry, but it's true. Teaching a child to make healthy choices and get exercise daily are positive measures and well worth talking about; telling a 10-year-old she is 'fat' is unlikely to be helpful. 10-yearolds, as any former camp counselor can tell you, are hardly of an age where they can be relied upon to brush their teeth, change their underwear, or tie their shoes, let alone balance their nutritional intake.

The kid knows she is fat

Not necessarily. Before the age of 11 or 12 kids are relatively unselfconscious except when there are extreme differences between them and their peer groups. She really may not know this, especially if she's not actually 'fat' but just somewhat overweight. It's not until the age of about 12, when a child's brain becomes capable of formal operational logic, that they begin comparing themselves carefully to others and determining their relative proportions.

Anyway, a healthy solution can be effected without bringing the subject up directly. Change the family behaviors. Yes get rid of the Cheetos, but more importantly, get moving. Americans spend so much time hung up on what they eat, then lounge about in a lazy culture making every effort never to burn a calorie. When you get enough exercise, it's hard to gain weight. So pull out all the tricks -- park in the farthest parking space, go for hikes on the weekends, do indoor rock climbing or canoeing or swimming depending on the weather. Limit TV and video gaming to 1 or 2 hours a day - and 2 is a lot. She'll thank you for it in a few years.
posted by Miko at 2:06 PM on December 15, 2004

I second the lifestyle change advice above, and agree about not focusing on the fat. There's really not a "loving" way to tell your kid she's fat. And if she already knows it, she doesn't need to be told.

Anyway, "fat" is a relative term. Maybe this girl is okay with being a little plump right now. I didn't mind the baby fat that accompanied puberty and it went away by age 15. But my mother decided to fixate on my weight and, as a result, that's a topic I still refuse to discuss with her today.
posted by naomi at 2:07 PM on December 15, 2004

Joining MeFi has got to be the best $5 I've spent all year. Thanks, everyone, for the advice and discussion. Keep talking, please - I'm learning a lot and have much to ponder.
posted by SashaPT at 2:07 PM on December 15, 2004

I'm a little confused as to how someone can "battle with weight" in their mid-teens. It seems to me that most people's weight fluctuates in the teens and such a battle is akin to stemming continent-wide erosion. The only time I see a battle happening is when you're out of the growth stages. Unless the little sister spoken of above was morbidly obese, I'm not sure what was being battled pre-16. Maybe I'm just being dense.
posted by Captaintripps at 2:18 PM on December 15, 2004

My younger daughter is not fat but has struggled with weight issues-and it all started when she was about 11 or so when another kid (a boy) told her she was fat.

Now she definitely has some food issues. She just bought a scale. Unlike her sister, who eats what and when she feels like it and is built like a brick house, she has to consciously choose to eat healthily or she gains weight and plumps out. I keep a quiet eye on it all. If I ever thought it was leading to anorexia, it would be handled.

And right up until that boy opened his mouth, she was fine with who she was.

So do be careful with what you say.
posted by konolia at 2:18 PM on December 15, 2004

What C.Batt and konolia said.

I was abused by an older brother, and others, and I ended up eating to ease the pain (I'd get up in the middle of the night to make four slices of cinnamon toast, somehow I was never caught). By puberty (11) I was definitely overweight. My mother (father is long out of the picture) has never addressed the issue.

I'm a 38 year-old adult that is still over-weight, and now diabetic, with lots of food issues.

Please, please, please be extremely careful how you address weight issues with children.
posted by deborah at 2:32 PM on December 15, 2004

konolia, I think that "built like a brick house" tends to imply either a) extremely voluptuous and curvy, a al Marilyn Monroe, or b) extremely sturdy and stocky, a la most college field hockey players.

Which, if either, did you mean to suggest was your older daughter's body habit?
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:32 PM on December 15, 2004

Regardless of what else you do, throw out the Cheetos. Throw out every other empty calorie food in the house. Throw out the soda, and the diet soda.

I'm lucky enough to have a (much younger) kid that eats healthy food, but I have seen the opposite many times. In houses with junk food, the kids eat more junk food. If the parents drink diet soda, the kids drink diet soda. Even if your kid is a picture of health, what she eats now will affect her for the rest of her life.

I wonder how healthy I would be now if my parents hadn't eaten crap when I was young. We stock the house with fruit, vegetables, juice, and no high-fructose corn syrup. I would like my kids to have a better chance than I did, and so far it is working.

Good for you for recognizing the problem and wanting to do something about it.
posted by bh at 2:42 PM on December 15, 2004

Mmmm. "Chunking up" does not necessarily mean obese or fat. It bothers me how many posters here assume that it does. It would be helpful, Sasha, if you could quantify this a bit more - we could then for a judgement about whether you even really have a problem.

This very same issue is on my mind a lot. My daughter's nine, in her own words "I love my carbohydrates", and would spend all day reading or writing if she could. Without prodding from me to leave her beanbag and books, she would be unfit and overweight.

My solution is:
- no junk food in the house, for anyone. That's how I was raised, so no hardship there. I just channel my mother and say "if you want a snack, make a sandwich or eat a piece of fruit".
- boiled egg+toast or porridge for breakfast, healthy packed lunch for school with fruit, nuts, yoghurt + sandwiches.
- collective exercise, esp father-daughter, in the form of walking, inline skating
- keeping my ears open for signs of interest in physical activity

I belong in the "no need to talk about her shape" camp. Others have already outlined the thinking better than I could.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:47 PM on December 15, 2004

We had a house full of healthy foods and great eating habits, yet I chunked up a tad at ten - so it might be just normal. I never noticed if my mother did anything to change my weight, but thinking back - oy did I have ballet classes, horsebackriding and fotball practice all the time all of a sudden. Sneaky mum! I never even noticed as she simply asked me what I wanted to do and if I could handle more play each week. Liek a crazy kid I could handle anything and biked to all my practices.
Candy and chips was always limited to saturday nights (party time). My much older brother chunked up quite large (and still is) which is probably why my mother sneakily put the breaks on my babyfat. When I grew taller it was gone, and I've not had a problem since. Still eat healthy. *knocks on wood*
posted by dabitch at 2:53 PM on December 15, 2004

I agree with the chorus: focus on fitness, not fatness. In addition to reframing the household diet and finding some family activities (which can be hard in the winter months) this would be a great time to help her find a physical activity that she's personally interested in. Dance classes, martial arts, tennis (all the racquet clubs in our area have wintertime specials, especially for kids) swimming or weight training would all be really good if there's one that seems to pique her interest. (I wouldn't recommend any kind of team sports, as that can be remarkably difficult for a chubby kid. Talk about destroying the self-esteem!)

If cost is at issue, perhaps cutting back on something like cable TV or highspeed 'net access might help in both aspects -- paying for some classes and getting everyone off of their rear ends more often.

When she was 9 and 10, my 13 year old was a good 25-30 pounds overweight, and the pediatrician was whining about it, and wanting to put her on a calorie restricted diet. Having been down that road myself from an early age (and being hugely fat with am apparently eternally-fuxored metabolism to show for it now) I was extremely resistant.

We gave her some activity options and she chose dance, so we got her involved in tap and jazz (avoiding ballet because of the emphasis on thinness and restrictive diet from the teacher) and got her some cute dance clothes (cute clothes are another great motivator, never underestimate even a young girl's desire to look like her most popular/attractive peers) and as she got more involved, and got taller, and puberty started up, the weight started to redistribute itself (at 13 she has a killer figure, and we're now considering baseball bats to deal with the boys!) and even out and she started walking and now running to build endurance for dancing, and there is no more issue at all.

On preview: I have to disagree with bh. I'm not sure what an "empty" calorie is. Regardless, labeling foods as good or bad, empty calories or off-limits because they have carbs/sat fats/transfats/HCFS or whatever else is destined to backfire. It creates a sense of deprivation, for one, and two, that which is prohibited always has an allure (see underage drinking in the states) which will lead to sneak consumption or a skewed view of food or worse. (Labeling foods as good/bad or permitted/disallowed is eating-disordered behavior.) Moderated levels of consumption of everything is the way to go, with some items more moderated than others. Cheetos everyday? No, but Cheetos during Friday Family Movie Night? Sure. Ice cream for dessert every night? No. Taking an after-dinner walk (when weather permits) to the ice cream parlor a mile away, getting cones and walking home every couple of weeks? Why not? Instead of a Snickers bar in the lunchbox, two or three Kisses instead. Or a couple chocolate-covered graham crackers. Replace the chips with air-popped popcorn with low-cal, non-fat butter substitute spray or a low-sodium flavored popcorn topping. Food doesn't have to go away and no food or food category needs to become an enemy, it just needs to be used wisely.
posted by Dreama at 2:54 PM on December 15, 2004

Winter months: Ice skating, sleighing (downhill) skiing - long distance or downhill, ice skating long distance, building snowmen, building igloos. That's what I did when I wasn't at ballet or riding and you obviously couldn't play football (soccer). Ihope you have snow. Snow rocks.
posted by dabitch at 2:57 PM on December 15, 2004

I think that labelling foods as "good" or "bad" is one thing, but suggesting that some foods are more nutritious than others is simple common sense.

And I'm not sure I would want my children to eat high-fructose corn syrup or hydrogenated oils in my house, ever. I would, instead, look with them for snacks that provided the sweet/salty taste they were seeking without what I consider to be toxic, engineered ingredients.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:06 PM on December 15, 2004

I was a lot pudgier as a kid but it didn't last. I also had several physical and psychological quirks that disappeared sometime in puberty. I don't know if you can judge that the weight she's gained is "staying put" at this point. She's still at the beginning of puberty if she has hit it at all. A lot is going to change about her body still, and she is going to enter a period of extreme self-consciousness about her body as it begins to change rapidly. Give her a bit of a break, but do what you can quietly to provide good nutrition.

If you are this worried about her weight, then she is in danger of being psychologically screwed up by it. But unfortunately, the danger is coming from you. I'm not saying this to be critical, but I hope you can put it out of your mind (unless she's dangerously obese) and let her grow up without instilling a sense of body-shame in her. I assume you are trying everything you can not to shame her, but you have to recognize that the danger is there, if you, yourself, are thinking about it this much.

She's a ten year old. And you may not even realize some of the subtle ways you communicate your disapproval. You say you are struggling with your weight now. Are you sure you aren't projecting onto your daughter? Think long and hard about it.

Should I just keep quiet but stop buying Cheetos?

Yes. You shouldn't be feeding that stuff to children of any height-weight ratio. Go on a health kick. It will probably help you with your weight control as well.
posted by scarabic at 3:13 PM on December 15, 2004

also, while this is a long way off, what you teach her about food will almost certainly be forgotten while she is in college and surrounded by pizza and mountain dew. if you instill in her a love of sports, she'll most likely continue that while in school, and besides all the health benefits, it is also a great way to deal with stress. if she's lucky, she may never see exercise as a job or task. people who go to the gym to lose weight feel it is a burden, people who play in the local soccer league do it for fun.
posted by hindmost at 3:26 PM on December 15, 2004

I just read that linked Salon article, and I think the point of it was misinterpreted (at least by me!). The concluding paragraph basically echoes what everyone's been saying here.

Savoye ... emphasizes that even in the case of a child who has to lose weight, a diet would be the absolute last resort. "There are so many other things that can be done first," she says. "You can eliminate the cookie jar, substitute popcorn and pretzels for chips, bottled water instead of soda or juice, cut Nintendo and TV time, get the child outside." Only after a family has done all of these things, and the child is still overweight, would Savoye consider offering a diet.

And she says she's talking about diets, and framing discussions about "fat" rather than "healthy," only for kids who are 50 or 60 pounds overweight.
posted by occhiblu at 3:32 PM on December 15, 2004

I have a fourteen year old daughter who has gained 25 lbs in the past year ... with virtually no change in her eating habits. We have always been lifestyle-conscious without making a big deal about it -- the other family members are all medium-sized, we're athletic, don't keep junk food, limit carbs and sugar without being fanatics, etc etc and she continues to participate in sports year-round at school -- she's just a big girl. She was once carefree and outgoing and digging her looks. She is now painfully self-conscious -- we can barely get out of the house as she tries on outfit after outfit, trying to look thinner. It's on her mind 24/7, and it ranges from good-humored grousing to heart-breaking weeping, depending on the day. Honestly, it is the biggest challenge I've faced as a parent, trying to help her deal with it but keep it in balance. I would like to say here that fitness/nutrition choices or projecting weight issues -- that is, actionable challenges -- are not always the cause. Sometimes it just is, and it's a tough one, particularly for a basically outgoing, happy kid. She's quite beautiful, good student, can shred a Telly like nobody's business and is funny as hell but she's hurting over this. It's awful.
posted by thinkpiece at 3:47 PM on December 15, 2004

Back again, and wow do I love you people. To quantify, best I can tell she's gained 10-15 lbs in the last six months - I think she's gone from about 75 lb to close to 90 lb. She's average height for her age, but I can't remember the actual inches. I did a BMI calculator for her stats a week or so ago but didn't save any of the numbers (organizationally challenged these days), and it said she "was at risk of being overweight," which seems fairly benign. She doesn't look fat, but she has definitely thickened around the middle.

She has been dancing since she was 4 and takes two fairly intense classes a week. We're bringing home our new puppy on Friday, so lots of future opportunity for walks - that's promising for all of us.

And scarabic, I appreciate your calling me out on my own anxiety. I take full ownership of it. I had the luxury of being thin and eating whatever the hell I wanted for about 30 years, but not any more, and I'm sure I must be projecting my own inner crap/baggage/weight obsession out there.

Again, thank you all so much!
posted by SashaPT at 5:14 PM on December 15, 2004

Then don't worry about it at all mum, it's just a little puppy fat. It's there to prepare for the hips and boobs to come. ;) you're a cool mum
posted by dabitch at 6:23 PM on December 15, 2004

Oh boy thinkpiece, that sounds terrible. Best of luck to you.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:25 PM on December 15, 2004

thinkpiece, has your daughter seen a doctor? A sudden gain of 25 pounds not connected to a change in diet or exercise could be the first signs of a thyroid problem.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:03 PM on December 15, 2004

These days it seems like fat/weight issues are about as ubiquitous in the media/society as sex. I think it's important to treat them similarly as a parent: don't wait until the child hears/feels something and then go into crisis mode. Creating a positive environment around food and fat can help kids/people develop a positive view of their own bodies, no matter the shape or size.
There's so much social anxiety around fat that a kid is going to feel it one way or another and it seems a smart parenting choice would be to develop a language to talk about that before it becomes an issue. As I see it, this means working to assure that your household is a fat-positive place. Focus on health across the board, not just on one child. Work against the pressure to feel guilt for eating certain foods. And most of all: no fat jokes!

For more fat acceptance resources:
I've heard good things about The Obesity Myth: Why America's Obsession With Weight Is Hazardous to Your Health by Paul Campos, though can't vouch for it directly. The NAAF might be a good resource. And Marilyn Wann's Fat! So? is somewhat of a manifesto for the movement.

I'd like to also argue against the "it's just natural body change" line. Though it's absolutely true that bodies change lots during puberty, this line of thinking can easily be used as a crutch: "I don't have to worry about it (read: my fat child) because it'll burn off later." What if it doesn't burn off later? The kid will likely have already picked up your anxiety over the issue and will react accordingly.
posted by drewbeck at 12:25 AM on December 16, 2004

Found a link.

An article at tolerance.org on talking to your kids about size acceptance. Linked to from here.
posted by drewbeck at 12:40 AM on December 16, 2004

For the record, calling your kid out on weight gain is not inevitably a recipe for disaster.

When I was 13 years old, I weighed about 185-190 lbs, and was steadily getting fatter. I hated exercise; when my mom would kick me outside to get some physical activity, I would sit on the back stoop and read. I wasn't obese, but I was definitely on the unhealthy side of pudgy, and getting pudgier. My dad told me he thought I needed to lose weight (I don't remember the exact words) and he started keeping an eye on what I ate--making sure I cut the skin off chicken before eating it, stopping me from eating a bowl of ice-cream as a pre-dinner snack, etc. It did not result in my being anorexic/bulemic/any of the other scary -ics, and it did, in fact, help me lose weight.

I was kind of embarrassed and annoyed when he first brought it up, but I remember feeling grateful that I was getting a sense of control over a problem that I was concerned about. If my parents had taken a chubby-positive attitude instead of suggesting that maybe I should stop treating ice cream as an hors d'euvre, I think I'd (a) have lost respect for them, and (b) developed even worse eating habits.

There's been a lot of excellent advice in this thread, and, as a former chubby little boy, I endorse it. I especially like the idea of framing it as a family-wide push for healthier eating, and of finding fun athletic activities to do. But we, as a culture, tend to tell parents that if you say or do the wrong thing, especially if it could possibly diminish that all-important self-esteem, you will SCREW UP YOUR POOR INNOCENT CHILD FOR LIFE!!! and I think that can make parenting even more stressful than it already is.

By the way, for me, the single biggest factor in getting my weight under control was that I joined the swim team in high school, and the coach had an absolutely fantastic attitude. If you pushed yourself as hard as you possibly could, he'd be absolutely thrilled, and praise you in front of the rest of the team, even if you came in dead last. If you put in a half-assed effort, he'd publically call you out on it, even if you managed to win your race. From him, I learned that athletics is about being your best, and not about how worrying how it compares to other people's best. I realize that this is a disappointingly rare attitude amongst coaches, but if you find such a one in your area, bringing your kid under his/her influence is a great way to establish a healthy attitude towards exercise.

It sounds as though your daughter's dance class might be filling this function, which I take as another sign that you (and your daughter) are probably handling things pretty well, and that you are probably not on the verge of making some horrible parenting mistake that will result in her becoming an anorexic bulemic cannibal terrorist.
posted by yankeefog at 2:38 AM on December 16, 2004