Should I acknowledge ex's wedding?

August 11, 2009 8:28 PM

I found out recently that my ex-girlfriend of 3 years is engaged and getting married in less than 2 months. Should I acknowledge it?

My ex-girlfriend ("Mary") and I dated exclusively for over 3 years while in college. While we dated, we were very close, and we even lived together for a good portion of that time. We broke up amicably and mutually in 2005 and although it was on friendly terms, we haven't really stayed in touch beyond a couple of emails and calls since then. I am fairly sure that if I emailed her today and said hello, she'd be likely to respond (I say "fairly sure" because now that she's engaged and in her "OMG I'm getting married!" mode, she might not be as interested in writing to an ex-boyfriend).

Following our break up, she finished school, relocated to another part of the state (300+ miles away), and found work and a place to live near her extended family. I stayed here.

Recently I found out through a friend that Mary is engaged and getting married very soon - less than 2 months. My friend is a friend of hers on Facebook. I am not on Mary's friends list and she is not on mine on Facebook (it has always been this way). Through some simple Internet sleuthing, I was able to find out Mary's fiance's name as well as their wedding date. While I always knew that this day would eventually come, I have to be honest in admitting that the surprise of the news struck me a little hard. I am genuinely, sincerely happy for her, though, and I really wish nothing but the best for her.

I have no expectations of receiving a wedding invitation, nor has she contacted me directly with the news. According to my friend, she openly and regularly posts about wedding preparations on her Facebook page.

My question is this: Should I acknowledge in some way (email, call, card, gift, etc.) this big news? It feels odd to me not to acknowledge it somehow, and I really feel like I should, but at the same time I feel like if she wanted me to know, she would have told me directly. So I'm torn about what to do. So, I'm coming to you! I'd really appreciate your insight and advice. Thank you.

Throwaway email for questions/follow-ups: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (52 answers total)

I think you're entitled to send your best wishes for her happy day, and leave it at that. If you don't want to impose, send them after the wedding.
posted by musofire at 8:30 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

The easiest way to do this would just be to add her as a friend on facebook, and in the comment field, write "hey! It's been a while. I heard you were getting married, and just wanted to say congratulations!" and hit send.

Everything else after that, leave to her. She'll probably add you, say thanks, you'll exchange "how you've beens" and leave it at that.
posted by unexpected at 8:32 PM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

I think if she wanted you to know she would have found a way to contact you. I know that's how I felt about my long-term ex when I got married.
posted by sugarfish at 8:33 PM on August 11, 2009 [19 favorites]

I would send a short, private FB note saying you heard through the grapevine that she's getting married soon, and you're happy for her and wish her all the best. Don't talk about yourself much in this note- it might be misread as "trying to show off" or something like that. Just send warm wishes to her and leave it at that. And I would NOT friend request her-- let her request you after reading the note, if she chooses to. Be prepared that she probably won't friend you, because it would seem like a slight faux pas to friend an ex on the eve of your wedding.

I think it's best not to contact her within, say, 2 weeks before or after the actual wedding day, as she'll be very busy and frazzled and the timing might make your intentions seem suspect. But a month+ out is fine, so either do it now or wait a few weeks after the day.

No gift, card, or phonecall. FB is a good way to go because it's less "I tracked you down" than any other medium.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:40 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Should I acknowledge in some way (email, call, card, gift, etc.) this big news?

I'd say 'no'. Just leave it. This is about Mary and her man, not you.

(or: what sugarfish says)
posted by pompomtom at 8:42 PM on August 11, 2009 [6 favorites]

A while back, I was involved with a woman I cared about deeply. It did not work out, and I would not want to revisit those places. Recently, though, I happened to bump into her on the street--she with someone whom I took to be her current BF, and I with my current GF, about whom I care very deeply (aw)--but it still felt weird to see that person who was so significant a part of my past with someone else. The ex and I coincidentally had to email each other about something random and neither of us mentioned each other's new person. (Incidentally, there is a fantastic song by Dubstar called "New Friends" about this exact experience--I tried to find it online, but couldn't).

So I know where you're coming from, in a way. I'd let it go. If it were important to her to have your best wishes, she would have reached out to you. Maybe she has wistful thoughts of those three years--maybe she doesn't. Whatever she thinks, she's made enough of a peace with the past to have moved on with someone else. On some level, it sounds like maybe you haven't ("struck me a little hard").

She's a ghost with no real place in your life. Let her fade away.

And go find that song!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 8:46 PM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

This has nothing to do with you. Acknowledge it internally, but please do not impose yourself on her new life.
posted by srrh at 9:01 PM on August 11, 2009 [4 favorites]

For the ex-people I cared about most deeply, I wouldn't tell them I was getting married online or even on the telephone. I felt I had to do it in person. Whatever to facebook etc, if you want to hear it from the horse's mouth, you must see the horse's mouth.
Her getting married means accepting a whole new reality, for her and for you. So it may be best if the news, and the reality is delivered in the flesh.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 9:03 PM on August 11, 2009

As far as whether to contact her, I'd agree that sending a short, not-too-involved private note on FB is the best policy, leaving it up to her whether to continue contact.

As far as how you're feeling, boy, lemme tell you. I've been there, and it is some kind of bizarre mindfuckery, or at least it was in my case. I didn't even like my x that much, and yet news of his impending nuptials really knocked me for a loop.

In hindsight, what was going on in my case was that I'd had a string of disappointments in my own personal life kind of all pile up at once, and so I wasn't feeling all that awesome about myself in general, so my stupid brain decided to take off on the whole thing and run with it in this weird "OMGOMG!!! holyshitimgonnadiealonewithfortycats!!!" tangent.

That's probably not exactly what's going on in your case, however, I do think it's very much human nature to mourn these sorts of "opportunities lost" scenarios, and possibly feel a little wistful for the might-have-beens.

I think it's healthy to acknowledge it, maybe be a little nicer to yourself and/or maybe take it as the excuse to motivate yourself for any lifestyle changes you've been thinking about.
posted by lonefrontranger at 9:06 PM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

I got married less than a year ago. It would have squicked me out if one of my exes suddenly reappeared. I'd wonder what he wanted, why he's showing up NOW. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be thinking about him while planning my wedding. I don't think most men have any idea how stressful planning a wedding can be.
posted by desjardins at 9:08 PM on August 11, 2009 [3 favorites]

It probably won't do any harm to send the woman a quick, congratulatory email on Facebook, but do a little thinking beforehand about what you hope to accomplish by doing so. Will you be satisfied to wish her well and leave it at that, or will you be hoping she'll email back? If the former scenario is the case, go ahead. If the latter is.. it's probably better to refrain.
posted by orange swan at 9:18 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

I vote for letting it go.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 9:21 PM on August 11, 2009

I have always found it weird when serious exes make contact out of the blue, so if said ex new about a piece of my life that I had not disclosed to him in some obvious way, I would find it extremely weird. If you don't care that she might thinks it's weird, and want to acknowledge it for therapeutic reasons, I think that's fine. Just be aware she might thik it's weird, and ask yourself if you're okay with that.
posted by itsonreserve at 9:26 PM on August 11, 2009

And by new I of course meant knew....
posted by itsonreserve at 9:26 PM on August 11, 2009

I like to think of this as a phantom limb pain. You were a big part of her life for 3 years, and you became accustomed to that role. When dating you probably felt the need to acknowledge she got her hair cut or a new dress. So you feel that you should acknowledge this major change. The problem is that you aren't a part of her current life, so that feeling that you need to address something in her life is misplaced. It's a difficult thing to get over, even when you have moved on.

Dwelling on this only prolongs the attachment. Try to be happy for her without being involved (however incidentally) with her.

In this case, cards, gifts and notes should only follow receiving a note or card from her.
posted by gagoumot at 9:28 PM on August 11, 2009 [4 favorites]

I dated a woman for 8 years. We both married 18 months after we broke up. I sent her a note acknowledging her pending nuptials wishing her good luck. She replied in kind. We lived in two different cities. My wife used to tease me about being my second wife as I dated gf for so long. We would exchange holiday cards each year carefully addressed to both gf and spouse. Eventually, I had reason to be in the city in which gf lives. I called her. We talked for a little bit and planned to meet when I was in town. I got stuck in a meeting and never met up with her. A year later, my wife and I considered moving to the town in which gf lives. I gave wife her number and suggested she call for info about town. I held my breath. They talked for an hour on the phone. I actually thought that if they met independently of me they would be good friends, but you never know. (They both have good taste in men!?) We eventually had dinner with her and her spouse. Cutting a long story off, gf and wife are now fast friends although we did not move to her city. My kids have met her kids and her husband. My 15 year old daughter thinks her 16 year old son is cute. My kids ask her about what I was like when I was younger.

So what's the point? I would send a nice note. Maybe one day you can be friends with her and her new family. It took me about 10 years of sending a christmas card and picture once a year, but time does heal wounds. Even broken hearts.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:28 PM on August 11, 2009 [12 favorites]

If you're interested in permanently re-opening the lines of online communication (even if it's just for a yearly "Happy Birthday!"), add her as a friend on Facebook and wish her well based on what you see in her profile. If not, say and do nothing.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:33 PM on August 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Another vote for no.
posted by Abiezer at 9:34 PM on August 11, 2009

You should congratulate her. After the wedding.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:34 PM on August 11, 2009 [6 favorites]

Let it go. Anything else is more likely than not to result in pain (no matter how small and/or fleeting) for someone.
posted by dg at 9:46 PM on August 11, 2009

or just pass your well-wishes via your mutual friend.
posted by rmd1023 at 9:56 PM on August 11, 2009

A simple note of congratulations is not an imposition or an invitation to become involved in each others' lives again. Hard to imagine you would regret it, but I can see you regretting not doing so.
posted by zachawry at 10:13 PM on August 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

Are you in a relationship now? If my partner were in this situation I would hope he would just let it go. I can't think of anything this will do for her or you other than stir up emotions (which she really probably doesn't need right before a wedding). If you really feel the need to contact her, wait a couple weeks after she is married and then send a "Hey, I heard, congrats" facebook message (don't bother adding her as a friend, just send the message).
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:26 PM on August 11, 2009

No, leave it, and just send a mental "congratulations!" vibe into the air.
posted by Lucie at 10:35 PM on August 11, 2009

Your internet sleuthing remains sleuthing as long as you don't actually do anything with the information you glean. Once you use the information (in this case, contacting your ex to wish her wedding congrats etc) your "sleuthing" becomes "stalking."

If she wanted to tell you, she would have told you. Just let it be.
posted by KokuRyu at 11:44 PM on August 11, 2009

Go ahead and send a congratulatory note if you want to. Despite boundaries being in fashion these days, there's really no need to over-impose boundaries on yourself to the extent that ordinary communication is disrupted. Communication is an opportunity, the communicate-ee can simply ignore if she wants to. And don't feel bad, like a stalker, or like you are imposing just by wishing to communicate. As long as you're respectful and appropriate, there's absolutely no problem here with one message. Who knows, maybe she'll be happy to have your best wishes.

You should ask yourself though if her not responding would be too uncomfortable for you.
posted by By The Grace of God at 12:50 AM on August 12, 2009

A congratulatory card is not stalking. Just sending your well wishes, which sound sincere in your post. She can respond or not, most likely she will barely notice with the preparations.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 2:28 AM on August 12, 2009

As someone who has exes and might get married someday: *I* would not want to hear from them about it (though I know they would know about it - small world and all), unless I specifically mentioned it to them myself. Any kind of card, whatever, would feel kind of intrusive.

Sometimes the nicest thing we can do for someone is just leave them alone. Leave her alone.

Yes, exactly.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:42 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

As an engaged person, I'd have no problem with someone sending me a congratulatory note, so long as that's what it really is. I mean, you wish her well, right? What could be wrong with that?

(I say "fairly sure" because now that she's engaged and in her "OMG I'm getting married!" mode, she might not be as interested in writing to an ex-boyfriend)

Also, women don't automatically lose their minds the minute they're engaged, thank you very much. I'd avoid assuming that she's in any sort of "mode"--it's kind of insulting.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:03 AM on August 12, 2009 [2 favorites]

Unless there were horribly bad blood in the breakup (and OP suggests there was not), I'd not only say that sending a congratulatory note is okay, it's actually the right thing to do. To make an amicably parted ex-girlfriend somehow more alien to one's distant affections and social niceties than (for example) one's platonic multi-year roommate and best friend, really makes no sense at all.

There's a natural awkwardness around announcing one's marriage to people one doesn't plan to invite to the wedding, which makes hearing about it through the grapevine, and then sending an unsolicited congratulatory note, the best fit with etiquette, as long as one agrees that it was the best move not to be invited (as is the case here). No gift required, obviously.
posted by MattD at 5:45 AM on August 12, 2009 [5 favorites]

Yeah I'm kind of wondering where all the ZOMGSTALKING!!! vibe is coming from here. Since when did being gracious and polite ever = creepy, anyhow? Yea ok some folks may take the scorched-earth policy, but he even said their breakup was amicable.

I, myself, have never had any issue from receiving polite congratulations from any of my exes, whether it was for winning a bike race or getting a new job. Some I hadn't had contact with for years, but I'd expect to hear from one or two if something this big were to go on in my life.

Obviously it depends on the situation and if her fiancé is a jealous meathead or something, but I think it's very normal to send a short, polite note saying "hey, heard you're getting married! Congratulations, I wish you the best! That's all. It's what my very Miss Manners grandma would do.

Man, it's not like he's going to invite her over or anything. Sometimes I think Ask assumes the absolute worst in people.
posted by lonefrontranger at 6:13 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I wish I could put this in a less harsh way but she's moved on and found her soulmate. Get over it and pretend she never existed in the first place.
posted by anniecat at 6:18 AM on August 12, 2009

Send her a nice card after the wedding congratulating her and her spouse, and wishing them a happy life together.

I got such a card from a long-term ex shortly after my wedding, and I found it to be sweet, not creepy. We had lots of mutual friends in common; it was obvious that he would have known.
posted by anastasiav at 6:36 AM on August 12, 2009

If it makes you feel good, send a nice card. If it doesn't, don't. She expects nothing.
posted by Citrus at 6:38 AM on August 12, 2009

If you can do it without even the slightest drop of self-serving intention showing up, then by all means wish her the best. I'd advise a card, not an email or letter, with a simple good wish/congratulations. Totally appropriate if she's someone who was important to you - and who you're "over" beyond the good memories - and, besides, who doesn't like getting good wishes?

If, however, you feel the urge or need to include comments about your past relationship, your feelings toward her (in the past or present), proclaim your emotions, beg for a reply or acknowledgement, ask any questions at all, suspect this might be the start of some weird obsession on your part, or if you want to do anything beyond send a good wish, don't do it. That's inappropriate and creepy.
posted by VioletU at 6:54 AM on August 12, 2009

If I had received a note from one of my ex-girlfriends congratulating my on my nuptials, I would have been happy to get it.*

I agree with everyone else who has said that the note should be short and consist of nothing but sincere best wishes - nothing about yourself or old times.




*(Actually, one of my ex-girlfriends helped to organize, set up the decorations, and sang at my wedding, but we're talking about exes who haven't been in touch here.)
posted by tdismukes at 7:09 AM on August 12, 2009

If she had wanted you to know, she would have told you. While technology makes it far easier to keep up with exes now, it does not remove from us the responsibility to respect their privacy. You do not correspond, you have not been friends, you are not mutual contacts on Facebook; why contact her now? Ask yourself honestly what your motives are.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 7:11 AM on August 12, 2009 [4 favorites]

You know, I heard from a friend that an ex was getting married (this was a few years ago). I sent him an e-mail saying what I had heard from said friend congratulating him and saying, "Way cool, dude!" He responded back, "Yeah, way cool is right! Haven't heard from you! Here's the last four years of my life in a nutshell!" And I responded with the same and congratulated him again, and that was that.

It was very cordial, straightforward, and from my view, actually really cool and exciting! But then, we had an excellent relationship and an amicable break-up (though not without tears) and we both ended up marrying the person who should have been the "rebound" relationship. He married in July and I married in October of the same year.

Life moves so quickly that little tiny moments of interacting with the past can be pleasant --- though I recommend them being fleeting is part of the pleasant.

If I ran into this ex today, I would be pleasantly surprised and thrilled to catch up if he had the time. There's no regret or animosity, so that's what would make a chance meeting really enjoyable.
posted by zizzle at 8:23 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

She didn't tell you for a reason. Regardless of what that reason actually is, it doesn't change the fact she didn't tell you. You need to accept that and move on like she did.
posted by tommasz at 9:44 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Several years back, I had a brief but intense romance with a woman. We tried to be friends after it ended, but I was too attracted to her and admitted to her that I couldn't turn that off. So we pretty much cut off all communication, which was not a totally satisfactory thing for me, but I realized that it needed to happen.

A few years later, I heard she got married. I sent her a simple, congratulatory card, wishing her - sincerely - the best for the future. It gave me the closure I needed, and I like to think that it was meaningful to her, as well.
posted by Dr. Wu at 10:01 AM on August 12, 2009

If you really want her to know you've moved on, could you get a mutual friend to say that they mentioned it to you, and that you asked them to pass on the messages of well wishes?

It's pretty obvious that this is about you, though. If she'd wanted you to know, she would have told you herself. She didn't, which speaks volumes.
posted by Solomon at 10:43 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I'm also a bit taken aback by all the "respect her privacy!" vibe going on. It's a wedding, not a secret assignment to Absurdistan.

I certainly agree that if you can't send a congratulatory note without dragging your past in, or without expecting much in the way of a response, don't do it. But a simple 'congratulations, I'm so happy for you' never went amiss, assuming it wasn't a spectacularly horrible breakup.

Friending on FB would be too much, I think.

An ex of mine sent me a short and very sweet email when I was engaged to my now wife, congratulating me and mentioning her own upcoming nuptials. This particular ex and I had an intense relationship and a fairly painful breakup a number of years ago. I appreciated it even though it was completely out of the blue and liked to think it helped lay some old ghosts to rest.
posted by canine epigram at 10:53 AM on August 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

I actually think that sending a little note of congratulations and well-wishing is the mature, adult thing to do in this situation. Trying to forget that she ever existed or pretending that you didn't hear about her wedding, on the other hand, seems kind of childish. It's true that if she had wanted you to be a part of this whole situation she would have contacted you or even invited you, but I wouldn't assume that because she didn't that it means she intended for you not to find out. If it's all over facebook, the exes will find out. If you are worried about making her uncomfortable by suddenly making this electronic reappearance in her life, I would say wait until after the wedding (by a month or two) and then acknowledge that you'd heard about the wedding, are thrilled she's doing well, and wish her the best.
posted by Ginkgo at 11:39 AM on August 12, 2009

Let it go.
posted by spaltavian at 12:00 PM on August 12, 2009

Forgive me if I'm reading too much into this, but the chain of events after you found out she's getting married makes it seem as if you have ulterior motives in your desire to contact her.

Recently I found out through a friend that Mary is engaged and getting married very soon - less than 2 months.

At this point, it would have been perfectly acceptable to let your mutual friend know that you were happy for Mary and ask her to pass on your congratulations.

Through some simple Internet sleuthing, I was able to find out Mary's fiance's name as well as their wedding date.

This is where it gets kinda sketch. You were (understandably) curious, but you already knew she was getting married. Why did you "internet sleuth" at all? You also said: I have to be honest in admitting that the surprise of the news struck me a little hard.

It's obvious you're still feeling a bit emotional about this and the fact that Mary herself hasn't communicated her news to you is probably adding salt to the wound. Under the circumstances, it's probably best that you keep your distance and deal with your feelings on your own. If you run into Mary at some point in the future, by all means, give her your sincere congratulations; but to seek her out when she's purposely kept you out of the loop? That might seem intrusive and creepy.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 12:22 PM on August 12, 2009 [3 favorites]

I'm going to agree with those who say it sounds like you are having a hard time letting this go, having been in [almost] your exact same shoes. In my particular case, I had no feelings whatsoever for the guy but I found it nearly impossible to imagine him having feelings so deep for a woman he met while we were still together. They had been dating for a shorter amount of time than we had and, furthermore, was in the military/overseas for most of it. Looking back on it I was just young and naive, granted they probably were too.

I was obviously not invited to the wedding nor did I expect to be. I had absolutely no interest in throwing any sort of congratulatory messages his way (genuine or not) for the sole purpose of coming off as the psycho ex with lingering feelings or ulterior motives for getting back in touch at such a point in his life -- and I would probably feel this way no matter how long I spent with the person if we weren't in pretty normal contact with each other.

.. And I hope that my exes would feel the same.
posted by june made him a gemini at 1:16 PM on August 12, 2009

One more vote for NO. The chapter is over and both of you have moved on, absolutely no need of revisiting that chapter.
posted by zaxour at 1:26 PM on August 12, 2009

I may be nothing like your ex. However, as somebody who is engaged, if I got a note of congratulations from an ex that I am not in contact with , it would *not* warm my heart. It would freak me out and cause me to think bad things about the ex, and generally make be be all WTF.
posted by dipolemoment at 1:27 PM on August 12, 2009

If she wanted you to speak to her, you'd still be in touch.

Do not contact her. It is over.
posted by winna at 1:35 PM on August 12, 2009

For every answer that implies that "if she wanted you to know, she would have told you" means "you should pretend not to know", I say pfftt. That's super high school drama stuff, that is. You have mutual friends, there is this thing called the internet, so there's a very good chance that you are going to find out an ex is married. The polite thing to do in the case of someone you have no animosity towards is offer congratulations if you run into them. If you feel like being proactive send a card. It's much more wacky to carefully pretend you never heard anything about it.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:34 PM on August 12, 2009

I think the fact that things ended amicably makes it okay to wish her well. I actually had one ex-boyfriend friend me on facebook and include congratulations on my engagement in his message. He had cheated on me and things had not ended amicably and I wasn't very happy at his intrusion into my life. I deleted his message immediately. Another ex-boyfriend also gave me congrats (in person since we're still friends) and I was really appreciative that he was sincerely happy for me.

But as you can see from above not everybody shares this point of view and your ex may be someone who disagrees...
posted by bananafish at 8:49 PM on August 12, 2009

I think this is the exact kind of thing that if you ever happen to run into someone you are acquainted to in the street, you get to say 'hey, heard about the wedding, and congrats! That is so exciting!'

It would be pretty strange to start getting random cards in the mail from people one had been with in the past. You aren't in her life anymore.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 7:32 PM on August 14, 2009