Keeping the morning promise in the evening

August 11, 2009 6:30 PM

For those who have successfully changed their lives from a decade or more of work plus drink minus friends: Apart from meetings and therapy, what did you do to keep from drinking? What did you do with your evenings instead of drinking? Emphasis on the early days of sobriety appreciated.
posted by anonymous to health & fitness (19 comments total)

A man in community jazz band with me (talked openly about drinking problem in the past) said it was hard to drink anything but water while playing the trumpet for three hours. So any activity logistically incompatible with drinking?
posted by variella at 6:53 PM on August 11

Early in my recovery I also found it challenging to fill all that free time I used to fill with drinking. I clearly remember coming home after the work day and thinking 'okay, now what am I going to do???' I ended up becoming social with people I met at meetings. Coffee with others in AA...lots and lots of coffee at a nearby Starbucks...and after a while I learned how to make friends and be social (and have fun!) without drinking or going to a bar. This is a question you may want to bring up in a meeting --- I'm sure you'll get several great suggestions.
posted by rtodd at 7:24 PM on August 11

It really is a lot of time: I took up shooting pool because I was no good and wanted to be. It was still a social activity I could do with friends, it filled time and I did t have to drink to make it feel worthwhile. It was a good way to deal with it. I never got very good but it kept me from drinking.
Good luck, take every ounce of help you can get. You can do it.
posted by From Bklyn at 7:44 PM on August 11

I was lucky in that I had a kid to take care of, was playing in a band a lot of weekends, and was going caving on a pretty regular basis, so I had some activities built into my life that didn't revolve around alcohol. I threw myself into those more, especially the caving and camping, for a couple years. It still wasn't easy though, as there were a lot of reflexive triggers. Campfire = beer. Load-in & sound check = beer. Etc. I had to just sort of let time wear those down.

The thing to keep in mind about AA is that it doesn't begin and end with meetings. When the chairperson asks "Are there any newcomers?" raise your hand and introduce yourself, and maybe mention you don't know much of anyone. People will probably seek you out afterwards. Go early, and talk to people. Hang out after meetings, and shake some hands. If you don't meet anyone you like, try other meetings -- each group is different, and if you're at a meeting that seems insular, go elsewhere.

If you're open and honest -- "I need somewhere to hang out besides a bar," hopefully, you'll find some like-minded folk in meetings who'll be happy to include you in whatever social activities that have. There's a pretty large gang from my group that goes bowling every Saturday night, and a pretty large gang that gets together for brunch after Sunday morning meetings.

I'm fortunate enough to have a home group that has a clubhouse that's open all day, so there's always someone there tending the phones or the coffee bar, and I've just driven my sorry ass up there when I had nowhere else to go. They host dances, have barbecues on holidays, and keep track of local and regional conferences, retreats, anniversaries, etc.

One of the things that AA is supposed to stress as a foundation of the program is fellowship, which is meant to help provide members with a life beyond work, home, drink. Take advantage of that.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:00 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]

Talk to your sponsor about this. Also, a tedious hobby. Something like assembling model cars that requires concentration and dexterity. I do think being social and not alone is important too. Too easy to slip while on your own. Enlisting a sitter to do things with you will help.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:02 PM on August 11

I don't have experience changing a drinking habit, but I do have experience filling long evenings. Check out what's on meetup.com for your area. Maybe take up evening exercising - long walks or runs, especially while it's light out late. There's a jogging group in my area that meets twice a week at 6 for running and hanging out - maybe there is in yours,n too. Coffeeshops and libraries. Bookstore talks and book groups. Choose a category of movie - 30s and 40s cinema, AFJ's top 100, musicals -- and rent them from Netflix and watch them to build your knowledge. Social dancing.
posted by Miko at 8:24 PM on August 11

Rock climbing pops up in my head because it is sort of super interesting, people are pretty healthy and kind of not the types to hang out in bars a lot. Not all of them, but a lot of them are pretty square. Smart people but they aren't partiers, at least the ones I've met. Might be worth a try.
posted by sully75 at 8:45 PM on August 11

I once heard if you truly want to get and stay sober, you essentially have to change everything in your life; people, places, and things. The people you used to drink with? They probably still want to drink with you, so find new friends that won't tempt you. While you may want to go to the same ole haunts you used to drink at because you thought you were having fun, again, nothing but one big temptation to drink. Things need to change too: the way you think about your future, your responsibilities and hobbies, when you get up, when you eat, what you eat, how much you exercise. Changing your old habits that were part of your drinking lifestyle is crucial to long-term future sobriety.

As I look back now after 16 years sober, there isn't much I didn't change in my life back then. So those old folks way back then knew what they were talking about. Change helped to keep me sober. It hurts for awhile. You will miss your old buddies, you will miss your favorite hangout for happy hour, you will miss your cool beer bong. But you know what you won't miss? You won't miss waking up sick every morning. You won't miss passing out every night. You won't miss blacking out and not knowing how you got home the night before. You won't miss wondering how you got that sprained ankle or that bruise on your face. You won't miss spending the night in jail to sleep it off or your day in court a few months later. You won't wonder about that blood on the front of your car that you can't explain.

So go to meetings, hang around the clubhouses, go on twelfth step calls. In other words, be with other sober, recovering people. They will help you through the changes because they are doing it too. They'll suggest new people to see, new places to go, and new things to do. And they are usually right because it's working for them. I know you'll do great at this because you're ready to change, aren't you?
posted by netbros at 9:45 PM on August 11 [1 favorite]

I am in the same boat as Miko, where I don't have the experience with drinking issues. Actually, I do have a drinking issue, in that I have a low alcohol tolerance (I get pounding headaches on finishing a strong drink!), and that I get social-anxiety-uncomfortable around drunk people. This means that bars and drinking activities have never been on my list of evening activities.

Here are things I have done to keep myself occupied in the evenings:
1) Bridge (the card game). Most places have at least a few games a week in the evenings, they last 3-4 hours, cost about 5-10 dollars. There's so much to learn that if you got into it, you could spend almost all of your available time doing it. You could even learn to become a director and get paid to go to tournaments and make sure other people aren't breaking the rules! Problem: You have to be the kind of person who likes calculations and analytical stuff. Also, competitive contract bridge is not really extremely social.
2) Social dancing (Contra, Scottish Country). Contra is pretty easy to learn, keeps you moving, you interact with a lot of people through the etiquette and manner of the dancing. Problem: Can be pretty physically taxing.
3) Rock climbing (mostly indoor/gym climbing). Physically challenging, goal-oriented. Most places have good people to chat with. Problem: See 2)
4) Board games (with groups). There are lots of neat analytical board games out there. You have to make strategies while reacting to other people's moves. Watching can also be fun, and there's almost always a reasonable amount of socialization going on. Problem: Finding a group who plays board games on a semi-regular basis.
5) Volleyball. Good physical activity, reasonable socialization.
6) Learning a musical instrument. Not social. Higher monetary barrier to entry. But there's a definite strong element of progress, and practicing can fill up as much free time as you'd like.

I am not strong in purely social situations (going out to eat, meeting up with people to chat etc.), so having these sorts of structured activities that have some sort of purpose outside of socialization really helps me feel more comfortable around other people. Not knowing where you live or what your age group is, I can't say what's best or available for you, but I know that most of my friends overlap in at least a couple of the above groups, and I have one that does all but 6 (I dragged him to dancing, but he had done social swing dancing before, too). I think I met the most friendly and welcoming people at Contra and Scottish Country Dance. They are always happy to have new people, and the age range depends on how near you are to a university (it can skew somewhat older middle-age in other areas, as it seems hardest to do when you have young children to deal with).

Being at home alone too often really sucks for almost everyone! I just moved halfway around the world, so I've been dealing with how to create a social life in a very different culture and a whole 'nother language. I've managed to find myself some social outlets through groups doing some of the above things here. I wish you the best of luck and hope you have an awesome and happy sober life.
posted by that girl at 10:04 PM on August 11

I got to thinking after my screed above about change, that I didn't completely address your original question which was, "Apart from meetings and therapy, what did you do to keep from drinking?" Eventually you will learn how to do seemingly mundane things like read or watch TV without drinking. There are many triggers in the written word and programming that make us think of, and want to drink. It takes some sober time, maybe as much as a year or even two, before the psyche gets trained not to immediately think of alcohol under stimulus. That's why I spoke of the importance of being around sober people for the first few months of your sobriety. They will help keep that wandering mind occupied.

If you are an alcoholic like me, chances are you don't exercise much. You spend your free time drinking, so you don't even think of your physical self. It is important to begin getting your body back in shape. Establish a daily routine of exercise, something as simple as walking two miles every day before you go to work, or in the evening after you get home. Perhaps get into a gym environment where you can work with a trainer and meet other people. A few folks above have mentioned rock climbing, or there is swimming or rowing, tennis or golf, all activities that can place you with a different crowd of people from your old drinking buddies.

Reintroduce yourself to your family. Believe me, they have been missing you. At first, they may not know quite how to handle the new sober you. Suddenly you're energetic and active and want to go, go, go. They aren't used to that. Go places with your spouse and kids, your parents and siblings, your cousins and uncles. If the opportunity is appropriate speak with them about your regrets and how you hope to change, but most of all, catch up on all the fun you missed as a drunk. Alcoholism is a family disease. They need help too.

Think back to your time as an adolescent before you began alcoholic drinking. What were you thinking of doing with your life at that time? What were your hobbies and other interests? One unfortunate fact of alcoholism is it tends to retard maturation. Many people, like myself, who drink like fish for 20 or more years really never become adults. That wild and crazy, rebellious partying teenager is still inside of us and we simply never accepted responsibility and maturity. I was a 17 year old in a 40 year old body when I got sober. So I revisited some of my early joys and aspirations that I cheated myself out of with booze. I was really into sports as a kid, so I eventually ended up managing a sporting goods store. Instead of lamenting all the what-ifs and wallowing in remorse and regret, take action to accomplish some of your childhood goals. Maybe some still make sense even now.

I hope you've recognized the common theme. Everything I've suggested involves other people. It is dangerous for the new recovering alcoholic to be left alone to his own devices. Please do not be afraid to ask for help. Those who have been there know how much you are hurting. They know you drank to celebrate. They know you drank to forget. You will still have those emotions, but no longer have your trusty crutch. But you do have family and friends, other sober recovering people and professional counselors, and your peers and cohorts from your work world to ease you through the transition. They want to help you because they love you and care for you, and because it helps them as well. People are your biggest asset when you are new to recovery. My email is in my profile. Please feel free to use it any time.

The time will come some months from now when you can sit in front of the fire with a good book and a cup of tea and not even have alcohol cross your mind. This I promise you. It does get better every single day that you continue to stay sober.
posted by netbros at 10:47 PM on August 11 [3 favorites]

I'm not an alcoholic but I come from a lot of family history of it and have seen a lot of recovery firsthand. I want to second talking to your sponsor - one thing AA or AA-type meetings does that is very important is pairing you with a person who has experienced what you're going through and knows what you're going through. One thing every sponsor will tell you is to call them if you are thinking about having a drink. Do this.

I know a lot of people have dealt with a bad temptation to fall off the wagon by going to whatever meeting they could find. Your local AA (or equivalent) Intergroup (should be easily found in the internet or phone book, and your regular meeting organizers will have this info) can tell you all the meetings going on in your area; if you're worried about the first days it might be wise to have this information on hand.

One of the bits of AA lore tells you to not allow yourself to get too hungry, too angry, too lonely or too tired (see, it spells halt). Addiction favors extremes. I wish I had more advice about the long term issues of getting a life and meeting new people, but starting out focus on taking care of yourself, keeping busy with whatever is at hand where you are, and focus on getting over the short term hurdles. Best wishes: you can do it.
posted by nanojath at 10:54 PM on August 11

For many people in recovery, without a drink, socialising is painful at first. I drank throughout my teens, twenties and thirties, so when I stopped drinking, aged 39, I was lost. I never did the school dances, the youth clubs, the church socials, etc. that my peers did when they were 14, 15, 16, so I never learned those rules of social interaction that grease the wheels of an adult social life.

So although suggestions of dance clubs and other things involving big social groups are well-intentioned, I know that for me, I couldn't have done anything like that in early sobriety. It would've terrified me to have to make social talk with a whole bunch of new people. For some reason, AA meetings were different, I'd sit and listen, hear something I identified with and be able to relate and share back my own experience.

It's important to find a home group where you feel comfortable, where there are people you have something in common with, who you can go out for coffee with, maybe catch a movie together, that kind of thing. You're all in the same boat, just a group of drunks trying to stay sober. In my experience, I found that this got past the small-talk part - in fact there was no need for small-talk with AA friends because, well, when you've heard someone sharing about the havoc of their drinking lives, it sort of gets you past the small talk.

A lot of AA groups have a regular get-together after the meeting - particular on Friday or Saturday nights - where they'll head out to a restaurant or a coffee shop. Those were the places I learned to laugh again.

Exercise is good, too, gets the endorphins flowing. Find something you enjoy - weights, swimming, running, whatever.

And as it's important to learn to eat properly, then learning to cook is good too. If you have a relative who's a great cook, as if they'll give you some lessons, go over and help them prepare dinner one night.

As nanonjath says above, remember HALT. Alcoholics are by their very nature obsessive types so don't pick a hobby that isolates you - sitting at home every weekend putting that ship in a bottle will keep you occupied but if you don't get it quite right, that's when the 'fuck it' switch can go and lead to a drink.
posted by essexjan at 1:39 AM on August 12 [2 favorites]

If you're used to drinking beer, try drinking ginger ale instead. Keeps the blood sugar your body is used to up, and is a reasonable resemblance to lager. Both detoxing on my own it helped, and at a detox center they provided it as the default beverage.

AA meetings are depressing and only kill an hour.

For activities maybe try bowling or darts. Computer games. TV. Part-time evening job.
posted by hungrysquirrels at 3:07 AM on August 12

I agree with hungrysquirrels. I used to drink lager or sparkling wine by choice (although I'd drink anything else out of necessity). I find that I prefer to have a carbonated drink - usually sparkling water - rather than a still drink. Something about the mouth-feel of bubbles.

But under no circumstances drink near-beer or non-alcoholic wine. Non-alcoholic beer is for non alcoholics. Seriously. I know many, many people who've relapsed, a few of them to death, after they started drinking near-beer.
posted by essexjan at 4:15 AM on August 12

AA meetings are depressing and only kill an hour.

I don't think it's helpful to discourage someone who mentions they're already going to meetings from doing so.

I'm sorry you found them depressing, but I wish I could transport you to the Sunday morning meeting I attend. There's often upwards of 150 people, a good number of which have been sober in the 20-30 year range, and we pretty much laugh our asses off at the craziest stories you've ever heard for most of the hour. It's an absolute hoot, and totally recharges my batteries & fills me with hope that I can remain sober & happy, like all the other folks their laughing their asses of at the insane shit we used to do, just like me. It's an incredible wellspring of strength for me, & see my above comment about the "it only kills an hour" part. netbros also covered that pretty well.
posted by Devils Rancher at 4:40 AM on August 12 [3 favorites]

I gave rides to meetings when I had a working vehicle. Went early, stayed late. Made coffee, cleaned ashtrays. Hung out with other sober folks, especially the other new folks who didn't know what to do, either. Hung out at halfway houses. Hung out some (with other sober folks) at coffee houses and coffee shops. Found meetings I liked, where I felt comfortable. Didn't go back to meetings where I didn't.

This was before computers, so I'd not have been tempted to fall into a game. The critical part for me was learning how to be around people. How to help and accept help. How to be a useful human being rather than a piece of drunken, useless shit.

It was scary. I did a lot of fake it until you make it. I relapsed after a year sober, and had to do it again, but knowing how hard it'd be (and I nearly decided to hang it up then, like my aunt did). But, it is doable and is worth it.
posted by QIbHom at 7:33 AM on August 12 [1 favorite]

Regarding meetings: I had to go to one for school recently (I'm in nursing school) to observe. I was thinking the whole time how fascinating it was and how rare it is for people to get together and talk and be supportive of each other. I'm not jealous of the addiction issues, but I definitely felt a certain loss in my own life about that kind of community. So depressing, I would say no. I don't know about in the long run, but I found it to be totally uplifting.
posted by sully75 at 7:59 AM on August 12

AA meetings are depressing and only kill an hour
Just a personal opinion, I just never got anything out of them, I withdraw the comment
posted by hungrysquirrels at 1:29 PM on August 12

Help a drunk. Seriously if you are still sober its time to start working with newcomers. Drive them to meetings; talk with them (about recovery and non-recovery topics); listen to them even if they don't have anything to say; and tell them how you've done it. One of the greatest truths I've found is "that nothing will greater insure immunity from the next drink than intensive work with other alcoholics."

I have often heard people say that you should complete the steps and have at least a year sober before you start working with others. I think that is lazy half-measure bullshit. If you have twenty-four hours sober and have been to a meeting you are ready to start helping other alcoholics if only to tell them "I don't have the answer but I think I know some people who might- let me take you to them." Personally in the beginning I could not relate at all to the old-timers with 20, or 10, or 5, or even one year sober - that length of time without a drink just seemed inconceivable to me. The guys who had 6 months, 2 months, 30 days, or a week sober were the ones that I could identify with. The guys who were only slightly less scared and shaky than me helped me as much as the serene confident old-timers ever did.
posted by Bango Skank at 10:46 AM on November 13