When should I disclose my low sex drive to a potential partner?

August 11, 2009 6:19 AM

I have a low sex drive. When should I bring it up with someone I am dating?

For the first time in almost 3 years, I have felt attracted to someone. This is rare for me. I’m a heterosexual woman in my early 30s. I have never felt strong sexual attraction. The first time I had sex I was in my mid-20s.

My low sex drive greatly affected my last relationship. I found intercourse painful and didn’t even like the feeling of oral sex. My partner used to say he would “do anything” for me and when I said I wanted to watch TV and cuddle, he would get upset. I’ve been single for almost 3 years and I rarely think about sex except to worry about it.

I am very fearful of being expected to have sex with someone. I do enjoy the emotional closeness from sex, but I don’t need sex very often. When starting a sexual relationship, the other person expects the sex will continue into the relationship. Sometimes, I don’t want to have sex for months at a time. I’m not trying to hurt my partner, but I just have no desire.

I also have trouble handling someone being upset with me for saying, “no” to sex. My last boyfriend used to pout and I would instantly feel completely unloved – as though I was only good for sex and he didn’t love me unless I had sex with him. We once went on vacation in a militaristic country, where I wouldn’t have felt safe alone. He made it clear that if I didn’t have sex with him, that he would just leave me there by myself, so I consented and just covered my face, cringed and said “ow” a lot until it was over. Now, not only do I have a low sex drive, but I’m terrified of what a potential partner will do if I refuse to have sex.

So… hive mind, when do you think I should tell this new person that I am not interested in sex? I think I could handle once a week at the very most, but would highly prefer every other week. As an alternative, should I start looking for older men? How old were you when your interest in sex declined? Finally, does my ex’s behavior regarding sex sound normal? Should I expect that type of behavior from most men?

posted by anonymous to human relations (33 comments total)

1. Your ex's threats were not "normal", they were abusive and cruel...do not judge all men by that creep.

2. There is no generic answer as to when a man's sex drive slows down, no more than there is a generic answer as to the level of a woman's sex drive.

3. I would expect to be informed about your preferences the first time the relationship goes beyond conversation/casual into anything physical. And this does not come from you as an apology or a list of flaws...it is just informational and important... communicate it as such.

4. I know you didn't ask, but you might want to consider a therapist to look at some of the fear/worry and former abuse issues (I am NOT suggesting that there is anything "wrong" with the level of your sex drive!)

My biggest concern in reading this is the internal struggles you're having... I wish you the best in finding some relief and peace.
posted by HuronBob at 6:28 AM on August 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

There are plenty of men with low sex drives out there too. It would help you if you made it clear up-front that you expect sex once every two weeks and not more or less. Sex is a part of a relationship and having expectations is completely acceptable, including being a deal-breaker. You should bring it up the first time he asks for sex and you don't feel like it.

The kind of behavior exhibited by your ex is extremely inappropriate. Men typically masturbate as a substitute when denied sex, not engage in behavior that is dubiously consensual at best. Don't feel afraid to deny men sex; you don't "owe" anybody. On the plus side, most men don't like to have sex with women who do not at least seem excited about having sex, so getting in that situation again is very unlikely.
posted by Electrius at 6:33 AM on August 11

First of all - your ex is an asshole. You should absolutely not expect that from future partners, and if that situation happens again you should DTMF like a hot rock.

In terms of the more general question, if sex is really painful and intolerable, then I think maybe you ought to be seeking out relationships where sex explicitly isn't an issue. Because on the one hand, you absolutely deserve to find someone who loves you and who will cuddle you and be what you need. And you shouldn't have sex unless you want to have sex. On the other hand, I don't think it's fair to enter into a relationship with someone who is going to fall in love with you and want to have sex with you because he desires you, and then have you say that it isn't an option.

So I think you either need to bring it up at the stage of the relationship where you'd start having sex, so as to give your partner the opportunity to decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not right up front, or you need to explicitly seek out partners who don't want to have sex (which, hey, those people exist! You're proof! There is probably one of them out there who would click with you).
posted by marginaliana at 6:33 AM on August 11

intercourse shouldn't be painful. have you brought that up to a doctor?
posted by lester at 6:38 AM on August 11 [6 favorites has favorites]

Its no wonder you have a low sex drive after dating those guys.

Most people understand that people want sex at different frequencies.

Your sex drive might not be as low as you think. Let's nerd out with it a little:

Say your natural tendency is to want sex 4x/month

Lets say your ex wanted sex 1x/day. His disappointment in not having that frequency met resulted in poor behavior which actually dropped your desired frequency to 1x/month.

This further drop in desired frequency resulted in even shittier behavior from your ex. This caused your desired frequency to drop to 0.2x/month.


But...lets say you had a different boyfriend. Right now your desired frequency is left at 0.2x/month. Your new boyfriend is a healthy male and has a desired frequency of 1x/day...but here is the kicker...he isn't a jerk hole. So, you two discuss the issue and he is patient. Eventually you have relations and he is understanding and decent about it. He is nice, you feel safe-ish and your desired frequency shoots up to 1x/month. His desired frequency is still 1x/day but like I said, he isn't a jerk about it, doesn't pout, doesn't threaten to leave you on the Deathstar. Over time, your natural desired frequency begins to assert itself and you are back up to 4x/month. His is still 1x/day and by that time, heck you might even toss him a bone now and then and be perfectly okay with that.
posted by ian1977 at 6:42 AM on August 11 [4 favorites has favorites]

My heart goes out to you. What your ex boyfriend did to you was not normal, it was evil and soul-annihilating.

You owe it to yourself to find a supportive therapist to help you explore whether or not you truly have a low-libido (which is NOT a defect, btw) or whether your lack of interest in sex has psychological roots. Pain during sex is nothing to brush off- you owe it yourself to find out why it's hurting. You deserve a fulfilling sex life- whether it's low frequency or hi- and one that is NOT primarily about keeping your partner happy. I think, until you get some support, that you are very vulnerable to creating situations where you are intimate out of fear of abandonment- this will further cement your disinterest in sex. Please find some help for yourself- it does not have to be this way.
posted by hellboundforcheddar at 6:45 AM on August 11

Have you spoken with your gynecologist (and/or your GP) about this? Low sex drive is one thing, but intense pain is another. Sex shouldn't be something you have to endure ("I think I could handle once a week at the very most"). You may have a medical condition as well as a low sex drive. How your sex drive compares to a partner's is something that can (and should) be discussed as the relationship develops, but I think your stress level around this topic might be somewhat alleviated if you could get a medical diagnosis or explanation for the pain.

And no, your ex's behavior does not sound normal. It's normal to for a man to have sexual desire, normal to want sex with his girlfriend, and normal to be disappointed when there is a mis-match in levels of desire. It is most certainly not normal to make threats and intimidate someone into having sex, and it is not only abnormal but cruel to hear one's girlfriend saying "ow" a lot during sex and just keep on going. What an awful experience you've had.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:48 AM on August 11 [10 favorites has favorites]

Your last boyfriend is an incredible asshole. Period. No one should treat anyone that way, and I am confident that there will be unanimity on MeFi about this.

As for your main question, and I hate to say it, but this would be a deal breaker for me, and I'd want to know early. I think you will find that many (I hesitate to say most, but it bears consideration) people have a higher sex drive than you, and different attitudes towards sex in general. As HuronBob wrote, though, there is nothing wrong with you (unless you think so)--you're just lower on the spectrum of interest in sex. I'm pretty low on the spectrum of interest in dancing. But I would view sex as one of the pillars of a relationship (the others including, mutual respect and honesty, some shared interests, some individual interests, compatible senses of humor, etc.).

There are people who share your lack of interest in sex, and maybe you're right that you can look amongst older men--but how old are you talking? 50? 70? What once passed as a disinterest in sex may be more of a reaction to physiological changes with age--but there's Viagra now, so your old codger may be rip rarin' to go.

I would not underestimate the effect of a sexual mismatch, though--it's just a bad cycle of resentment waiting to happen. Ian1977's post seems a bit fantastic to me. Would you be content with someone who wanted emotional intimacies at a much lower frequency than you? Hint: you shouldn't be.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:49 AM on August 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

I'm a woman, so I can't speak to a man's perspective. But, if I were dating a man who didn't want to have sex "for months at a time," but would accept having sex about twice a month, I'd want to know pretty much right away. By that I mean, maybe by the third date or so -- after I got to know him a bit, but before I was emotionally invested at all.

In my experience, I haven't found that older men (say, under 55) have sex drives lowered to that level.
posted by Houstonian at 6:53 AM on August 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

Strongly seconding what Meg_Murry said.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 6:59 AM on August 11

Sexual incompatibility is hell - for both people. I won't defend your ex, but it's safe to say he suffered too in the relationship.

My question is this: do you want to improve your sex drive? If so, go to the doctor. It could be hormonal, it could be psychological or some combination of the two. A doctor can help, but you have to stick with it.

As for when to tell someone? Sadly I think most men are going to find your lack of drive freakish and a deal breaker. So what you're essentially asking is this: "When should I pull the plug on a budding relationship?" Because that's going to be the outcome most of the time.

Then again, you could take the relationship all the way until it begins to become physical. At that point most guys will get the hint when you're non-responsive. But is that what you really want?

Talk to a doctor, get referred to a specialist. You owe it to yourself and any future partner.
posted by wfrgms at 7:04 AM on August 11 [3 favorites has favorites]

I second the Ex is a dick part.

On the flip side though for a lot of people sex is a big part of any relationship and sometimes it can be one of the only ways that a man can express love. Just food for thought.

I do not know how to increase your sex drive other than find something that turns you on or that you desire.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 7:09 AM on August 11

A word of warning: when you visit your GYN, ask for a hormonal workup to make sure everything is ok.

A few years ago, my sex drive dropped off a cliff, and when I did have sex it was painful. My doctor found that my uterus was overrun by fibroids, caused by hormonal imbalances. I had to have surgery, but if I had caught it sooner, I might not have had to.

I hope it's not the same for you, though: as others have said, there's nothing wrong with having a "low" sex drive, and it's all relative anyway. It's all about finding a compatible partner who views the relationship as about more than just sex, because after all, sex drives can vary wildly for any reason throughout one person's lifetime.
posted by lesli212 at 7:21 AM on August 11

Yeah, let him know right away. Even if once a week is fine with him, I think the bigger problem would be that he'd have to always be the one that wants it, like sex is a bad thing he should feel guilty for. Better for him to know it now. For most people, sex is a very important part of a relationship and if he's not a match for you, better find someone who is. For the sake your happiness and his.
posted by yeti at 7:27 AM on August 11

Low sex drive does not equate to pain during intercourse; that's something you need looked at medically. Especially with the abusive arsehole of an ex you might have vaginismus, a reflex spasm in response to penetration.

Bluntly, your ex sexually abused you (carrying on doing something to someone when they have made it clear it hurts = abuse). Those experiences with sex may have lowered your sex drive (though they may not have done; you do mention this being long term). Talk it through with someone - therapist, close friend. Are you never aroused, or are you aroused but have problems with physical intimacy or penetration? It can be quite a different thing to have a low sex drive because the act is a problem, or a low drive because you're on the asexual end of the sexuality spectrum.

As everyone above has said you need to be honest with your new partner about your sex drive. Tell him about your trust issues from evil ex, and that you need to know he understands that no means no.
posted by Coobeastie at 7:32 AM on August 11

Your ex was an asshole. Fortunately, the majority of men are not like that. Most men will want you to want to have sex with them, and if you don't, that kind of ends the desire.

However, my totally uneducated guess is that most men desire sex more than once monthly, which will present a problem in your potential relationship. The key here is you're not wrong in your lack of desire, and your potential partner is not wrong in having desire. It just happens that you don't match up, which makes it a bad pairing. Sex is important to a lot of people.

I would disclose this as soon as your conversation naturally turns to sex. I wouldn't say, "Hi, my name is anonymous and I probably won't want to have sex with you" when you first meet him because that would be weird, but at some point later when you start talking about more physical things.

I don't feel that sexual desire or the lack thereof is one of those things you can really compromise on, because it leads to resentment on both sides. As a woman, if I had gone out with someone who was upfront and told me that they were not generally desirous of sex, I would have thought very highly of them and their honesty in telling me that. I would not have continued seeing that person in a romantic sense, as our sex drives were incompatible.

Finally, have you seen a doctor for the physical discomfort part of sex? If having sex was consistently painful for me, I wouldn't want to have it either.
posted by crankylex at 7:32 AM on August 11

Are you sure you're into dudes and not ladies? Just checking.

See a doctor, make sure there's nothing physical going on. Then see a shrink, because you have been through some tough shit and need someone to talk to.

Then worry about getting into another relationship.
posted by kathrineg at 7:43 AM on August 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

You should let people you are dating know about your lack of desire ASAP. Within the first few dates, before anything gets too physical. You will get rejected by some, but you will eventually find someone who this is not a problem for.

Your Ex sounds like an ass.
posted by soy_renfield at 7:43 AM on August 11

Have you considered an open relationship? When someone is not capable or interested in meeting the needs of their sex partner, it is both kind and mature to allow them to meet their needs elsewhere. (After, of course, rule-setting to ensure your physical safety and the preservation of your emotional relationship.)
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:52 AM on August 11

Yes, good point, consider an open relationship or polyamory...
posted by kathrineg at 7:53 AM on August 11

I am very fearful of being expected to have sex with someone.

This is a separate issue from the medical concerns described above, but it is just as valid and should be explored to its root.

Part of the problem that your low libido will cause in a relationship is that it puts the entire matter of sex unilaterally into your hands. The man's choices seem to be to either patiently wait for you to initiate sex, knowing that it may be weeks, or to regularly initiate sex with you, in hopes of eventually catching you at a moment where you "don't mind." Either way, the ball is always in your court, and the tension this creates is going to be hell on most budding relationships -- especially if the sex (when you do have it) is unsatisfying for you. It's intimidating enough to look down the road at a relationship even when the sex is good. If a partner doesn't feel he can please you, and isn't getting any pleasure either, then it's going to seem futile.

If you aren't really turned on by sex and are unable to figure out why intercourse is painful for you, there are other ways for you to indulge your partner sexually that don't require you to endure it. For example, if you became proficient in the art of blowjobs or handjobs, you'd be able to get him off efficiently and in a way that HE knows doesn't pain you. You might even derive a certain detached thrill from the fact that purely technical motions can give your partner such intense pleasure. You don't have to be turned on at all to give someone a memorable handjob.
posted by hermitosis at 8:12 AM on August 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

This strikes me as a "chemical imbalance" issue. Low sex drive can sometimes be treated. It's worth looking into. Not so that you can make yourself have more sex, but so that you can be comfortable with the idea of it at all. It shouldn't be painful, and you should not dread the prospect.

Good luck with the new guy, hopefully he's a catch. :)
posted by Citrus at 8:34 AM on August 11

Yes, you want to tell someone you're dating about this ASAP (well, not blurting it out when you first meet them, but bring it up tactfully in conversation). It benefits both of you.

But I also think you should see a gynecologist just to make sure everything is okay. You probably do just have a naturally low sex drive, but sex should not hurt. Also, your ex was an asshole, and even people with high sex drives don't usually want to have sex with assholes. So when you're with someone who isn't a complete jerk, you may find your sex drive increasing slightly.
posted by Polychrome at 8:42 AM on August 11

Nthing that perhaps its not sex you're not interested, but just sex with the crazies you've dated in the past. I understand being a little frustrated if one's sexual needs aren't met at all, but what your ex did to you is entirely unacceptable. In fact, I think it probably qualifies as rape. Don't let anyone do that to you ever again.

There are as many degrees of libido as there are people. You will find someone who either 1) is sexually compatible with you the way you are now or 2) or you are so attracted to and have such great sex with that you want it more often.

Most importantly, don't get down on yourself about this. Sex is not something to worry about. It's something to enjoy. Don't pressure yourself into doing things you'd rather not, and don't give yourself anxiety over not wanting to have sex all the time. There's nothing wrong with you.

And yeah, just tell the new guy when sex enters the picture and it seems appropriate. If he doesn't understand, DTMFA.

Good luck.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:16 AM on August 11

i am so sorry you had a guy in your life like that... it's awful. i used to have one who would demand sex -- and would give me the cold shoulder when i didn't feel like it. he also ONLY kissed me or showed any affection when he wanted sex -- the rest of the time it was like we were roommates. which didn't make me want to have sex at ALL.

so it might have been partially the situation you were in -- even now, i need affection to feel like having sex.

i am nthing the suggestion to at least talk to your ob/gyn about this problem. even if you don't feel like sex, it shouldn't actually be painful.

and a therapist isn't a bad idea either, to help you get to the root of the problem.

and if *anyone* ever treats you like that again, dump him straightaway. that's just cruelty, plain and simple.
posted by unlucky.lisp at 10:02 AM on August 11

The first thing to say is, welcome to the alternative sexuality club! It's not just for people with fetishes and the like. So put into your head that your sexuality is normal, it's perfectly acceptable and you have a right to it, it's a civil rights issue.

Following from this, you might want to join an online forum concerned with sexuality issues. I don't know a good one as I haven't been around these things recently, but they will b a good signposting place for advice for you.

Now, you want to learn what you actually enjoy from intimacy in a relationship. What exactly is it you are enjoying? That's what you're into. Now expand the repertoire. For example, the comment above regarding blowjobs and handjobs. Maybe you enjoy getting your partner off because of that emotional closeness? Guess what? there are LOTS of people out there, who have active and fulfilling sex lives, that only get their partner off/only do nonpenetrative sex/etc. And there are plenty of ways and plenty of partners who will enjoy getting off through these methods exclusively. And if you really like your new sex life, there are all sorts of ways you can expand it, many of which you can learn about in the same alternative sexuality club. Welcome! :)

There's no need to medicalise your sexuality, but the fibroids comment above would make me think a gyn workup is a good idea.
posted by By The Grace of God at 10:03 AM on August 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

It should be a pretty damn quick thing to communicate. Certainly within the first month. Sex is really important to some people and a lack of it will cause problems with those people. Those people are not assholes - they are normal.

My last boyfriend used to pout and I would instantly feel completely unloved – as though I was only good for sex and he didn’t love me unless I had sex with him.

We can't get an idea of how he'd do this from a few sentences, but imagine if one of your big things was hugs. That is, you want to be hugged, sincerely, each day. Not a big demand, right? Pretty normal in a romantic relationship? Yeah. Now, imagine if your man felt "no desire" to hug.. that he got absolutely zero out of it and found the whole thing awkward. Should he feel like "he was only good for hugs"?

I'm sick to death of people who try to propagate some weird myth that sex is a mucky, optional part of a romantic relationship and that anyone (man or woman) who considers it an essential part of the relationship has an issue that needs to be resolved. Of course, once your ex realized what the score was, he should have left - that was the real problem, he thought he could change you.
posted by wackybrit at 10:54 AM on August 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

The other aspects seem well covered (yes, he was an ass) but I just wanted to point out there are sites for asexual dating (do a Google search). I'm not sure which are the reputable ones but you should be able to find that out. While I do think a physical checkup is worthwhile, since sex shouldn't hurt, and therapy may be something to consider, if you ultimately decide that you do have a very low sex drive and are satisfied with that, asexual dating may be a way to find similar people without the expectations of sex and frequency that you are likely to encounter in dating "average" people.
posted by 6550 at 11:32 AM on August 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

1. your ex pouting when you say no is childish.
2. what your ex did in the militaristic country could be prosecuted as rape in the US (becuase coersion was involved).
3. Having a low sex drive is fine, but you should communicate this early in the relationship (like 2nd or 3rd date).
4. Having a low sex drive could be the result of psychological fears / concerns, but it could also be caused by hormones. You should go to a gyno (i only go to female gynos because i do not feel comfortable with a male gyno) and see if they can check your hormones.
5. And while you are at teh doctor, tell them about sex hurting. Sex should not hurt all the time. It can hurt if your partner is too rough / big / aggressive, etc. But if you have never had sex without pain, you need to get yourself checked out to make sure everything is alright down there.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:58 PM on August 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

Agreed: Ex is a jerk. Talk to a doc about the ouch, possible endocrine issues and perhaps therapy.

On to the low drive. Many people have occasional dips in their interest in sex. Unfortunately, these people are partnered with people who want or need sex. Your issue is no unusual at all.

Once you get your physical issues sorted out and sex isn't painful try to increase the frequency of sex in your life. It's a healthy way to connect with your partner and when you establish the habit you may find that you like it fine thankyouverymuch. Once the pattern is in place, you kick in all the pleasurable chemical responses to sex which trigger you to want more sex.

Of course, you may do all of this and still have a low sex drive. And that will be okay too, but at least you'll have given yourself the opportunity to enjoy your sexual life.
posted by 26.2 at 2:38 PM on August 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

Your ex was a major asshole.

Watch a lot of porn. Just normal guy + girl porn (unless there's something else that you'd prefer) and see if that turns you on. If it does, then that's awesome and maybe watching porn will make you want to have sex.
Exercise. That helps with a sex drive.

Anyway, back to your question. If the conversation turns towards sex then it's a good time to mention it. Otherwise, it's kind of awkward and like, "uhh, OK, I didn't ask, thanks for sharing." But I'm sure the person would want to know before too long. Do you not feel the need to do ANYTHING, not just sex? If you're OK with fooling around, do that once or twice and tell the dude that you don't want to have sex yet right when you start fooling around so he doesn't expect it that night, and then bright it up right afterwards? That way it won't be out of nowhere.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 4:56 PM on August 11

Well now wait a minute.

I agree that it can be fine and healthy to have a naturally low sex drive. But you don't sound comfortable with your sexuality enough to even know exactly what it is, and no wonder!

Let's see, your sexual experiences to date have been mostly ranging from unpleasant to agony. As many have said, your ex-boyfriend was downright cruel and I think sexually abusive. If sex is painful and unpleasant and the partner isn't loving, well, why would you want to have sex??

I don't think it's a good idea to construct your entire dating approach around sex (only dating older men, constantly worrying about the reaction you'll get). That tells me you're still insecure about your sexual needs, and again I repeat, no wonder. You've been abused and sex is painful physically and emotionally. So a gynecological workup and some time with a sex therapist, NOT to try to make you more "normal", but so you can explore the terms of your sexuality and take control of your needs. When you have a strong idea of what you want and need and what would be best for you, it'll be easier to find people to date who will be compatible.
posted by Danila at 8:59 PM on August 11 [2 favorites has favorites]

I also have trouble handling someone being upset with me for saying, “no” to sex. My last boyfriend used to pout and I would instantly feel completely unloved – as though I was only good for sex and he didn’t love me unless I had sex with him.

Former boyfriend assholism aside, you're making a big mistake here that is going to create and escalate misery.
If you're in a relationship and most of the time you don't want sex with your partner, even though they know better it is going to be hard for them to not take it personally, it is going to be hard for them to continue to feel hawt and sexy and desirable in the face of the one person whose desire matters, demonstrably doesn't desire them. And over the long haul, the rational mind which knows it's not personal, can lose ground to the emotional mind, which is taking hit after hit, rejection after rejection.

Rejection can be hard, and if someone responds badly to it, the absolute worst thing you can do is interpret that response as demeaning to you, wanting you only for sex.

He has to struggle to remember that your lack of interest is not personal against him. You have to struggle to remember that his struggling (and occasional failing) to accept this is not personal against you. Or else you're just setting each other up for misery.
posted by -harlequin- at 10:26 PM on August 11 [1 favorite has favorites]