kelly clarkson, thine words ring true

August 10, 2009 6:13 PM

How can I learn to stop being so self-reliant? How do I begin to need other people again?

I don't like asking for help, and when offered, I usually refuse it. I have this mentality that I can "do it myself," which I fear might be weakening friendships, potential relationships, and professional prospects. I'd like to learn how to not be this way, without becoming co-dependent.

A bit of important background info. My mom died from cancer when I was 10. I learned to take care of all my own needs, in addition to many of hers when she was sick. My father was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive towards my siblings and I. We thus had a weird combination of being very, very controlled by him - yet were forced to grow up quickly, and depend on ourselves for our emotional needs and responsibilities. We all have varying levels of this behavior, but I think I've got it the most. This might have to do with being the youngest, and having the least amount of time with a healthy parent (our mom). After her death, there were no stable adults or guardians who came into our lives. Taking care of my own emotional needs, and other responsibilities became a survival mechanism, so it's all I know how to do.

This question on learning to be less self-reliant stems from my tiredness of being single. I've been single for a few years. I've been on dates, but those haven't really progressed anywhere. I hate asking for help. I feel like I'm burdening other people, and avoid it at all costs, unless absolutely necessary. Even when someone offers help - say, a roommate offering to drive me to the grocery store to pick up things so I don't have to walk/carry it home, my instant response is "thanks, but I can do it, I'll be fine." This is my automated response to everything. It's become instinctive.

I'm no job searching after graduate school, and I think it's also going slow because I've built up this mentality that I should and ought to be able to land something on my own. Networking makes me very uncomfortable. I know it's not nepotism because I still have to prove myself, but asking for people to put in a word for me, or refer me (etc) make me extremely uncomfortable. I feel like I should be able to do it on my own, but I know that in the "real world" nothing happens like this. But I'm finding it extremely difficult to change my patterns.

In sum, I think being overly independent is hindering me from progressing in relationships and professionally, too. My problem is not that I don't think I need help from anyone - I know the world is a very reciprocal place, and we all need other people. But I'm so used to doing everything myself, am so stuck in my patterns of self-reliance, and don't know how to break out of the guilt and self-shaming of asking for help. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable, and not in control. I am not a control freak when it comes to other people, and I don't judge people that aren't independent, but making sure I "have it together" is a survival mechanism that I adopted since childhood. My question is for advice - how can I get out of this cycle, and learn to ask and accept help from others? How can I do this, without becoming co-dependent on others? What are some ways or tools that I can adopt to loosen the grip on my own self-sufficiency?

If it matters, I'm a mid-late 20-something female. Thank you.

posted by anonymous to grab bag (9 comments total)

>I think it's also going slow because I've built up this mentality that I should and ought to be able to land something on my own...

Why not put a spin on the idea that you don't need anybody - why should anybody else need you? You're the one job hunting, obviously you have developed a set of skills that someone finds desirable. This could be a starting point for networking - finding a niche where people need your skills, whether you start through freelancing or consulting, etc etc. (It is a little hard to know how this would apply to your career situation w/o details, but it is a thought.)

Networking isn't all about asking favors of people. To me, it is more about finding people who are interested in your work, and can say to another friend "hey, I know so-and-so that is really great at X" Allowing yourself to connect with these people and lowering your guard may be the difficult part for you.

I can commiserate on being control freak when it comes to work - I think that is as much of a product of your upbringing as it is grad school. I always feel like delegating work to other people is just asking for trouble - I will have to explain how to do the project 3 times, end up doing it myself, or they will screw things up royally. Although it is difficult, you will eventually find people in your life who are reliable and trustworthy when it comes to collaborating on projects.
posted by sararah at 6:33 PM on August 10

I had the same problem. It lead to some pretty hairy situations before I wised up enough to just accept the help that was offered. Just remember: if people offer they're usually willing to do what they offer. Do that for a while and eventually you'll get a sense when asking for help is okay.

That's how I did it, anyway.
posted by Kattullus at 7:23 PM on August 10

I have been in this situation as well, and am still recovering. I would say first, if someone offers you help, chances are they are doing it just because they want to do something nice for you - accept it. It will actually make them happier than it will you.

As for asking for help, I would start small. I understand the concern about becoming co-dependent, but that is a serious travel on the spectrum, and not one that you are likely to even begin flirting with even if you do ask for help now and then.

I agree with sararah about networking - it's not much about asking for help as it is about making a connection that someone remembers for later. And, the street works both ways, which can help alleviate the feeling that you are being dependent.
posted by Leezie at 7:33 PM on August 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

I know the world is a very reciprocal place
That's your answer. I assume that you are Ok with the idea of helping other people. For the world to be reciprocal, you need to do your part by accepting help as well as giving it.

Or, another way of thinking about it, when you accept help and promise yourself to pay it forward. (to help another person in the future.) Don't try to pay it back - that will lead you to a kind of accounting that will get in the way of friendship. But tell yourself it is OK to accept help because you also give (or will give) when needed.

Finally, congratulations on having developed an effective survival technique for surviving your childhood and equal congratulations on the insight that you can develop a wider range of ways of being now that you are an adult.
posted by metahawk at 7:58 PM on August 10 [1 favorite has favorites]

I had the same problem for many years, and yes, it is a problem. The way that I began to break out of it was to stop viewing it as asking for help and start viewing it as building bridges. I read somewhere that the best way to build strong friendships was to ask for help. I looked around and realized that I needed strong friendships and began to intentionally ask for help with small things. After the world didn't end, and I got the chance to return a few favors so that it didn't feel too lopsided, I found it easier and easier to ask my close friends for their assistance.

Start small, ask for help with things that you don't really need assistance in (but where help would make it easier or more pleasant). You need to start small, but it can be done.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:18 PM on August 10

It's hard to be friends with someone who never accepts favours. Take the help that is offered to you, even if you mentally have to justify it by thinking things like:

"I will accept this ride from Pete because maybe he's secretly feeling blue and wants a grocery outing as an excuse to chat about it."
or "Andrea genuinely likes to feel helpful and be recognized for being helpful, so I will gratefully accept her offer to help me move."
or "Lee opened up to me about his depression last year; I wonder if he feels embarrassed that I saw him at a low point. If I ask him for help on this task he will see me being imperfect too, and that will make him feel better."

Often that kind of justification is actually not far from the truth, anyway- for instance, personally, I actually take a lot of pleasure from trying to help people solve their problems (witness my AskMe addiction), and am slightly hurt when my assistance is brushed off. Plus, if someone helps me through a rough patch, I sure as hell hope the tables turn down the line and I can help them back- partly because I want things to be fair, and also, selfishly, because I don't want to be the only needy one!

So maybe thinking things like that- in short, mentally patting your own back for "letting" others help you- might help.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:55 AM on August 11

Try spending more time helping people. When you meet new people, are there favours you could do for them, or people you could introduce them to.... are you driving in their direction, could you give them a lift?

As for your friends, if they are planning to build a shed, offer to come over and help if they do dinner. Think of sociable things to do which also happen to involve helping with something.

Perhaps this will help you construct a mental model in which helping someone out is just part of being social, making and cementing friendships, and accepting help is part of day to day life.
posted by emilyw at 2:44 AM on August 11

I have problems with this too. This is how I deal with it (to use one of your examples about being driven to the grcery store).

Friend: Hey, I'm heading to the grocery store too, do you want a lift?
I think to myself . . .
Me: What, why would I need a lift? I can do it myself.
Me: Oh, wait, I forgot. If I had a car I would be offering people rides all the time! This person isn't trying to tell me I can't do it, they just feel like doing something nice for a friend. Someday I can help my friend out and I hope she takes me up on my offer.
/end thinking
Me: Ok, thanks for the ride, I appreciate you thinking of me :)

For me, it really is about believing that the reason they are offering help is because they care about me, not because they feel obligated to do so.
posted by Mouse Army at 5:02 AM on August 11 [1 favorite has favorites]

I am in the same camp but for different reasons. I have refused rides to the store and accepted them too. And, I know I don't need them. I can always find a way to do things on my own and I know that. That being said, I don't have to refuse the rides to prove that to myself, and least of all, other folks. If someone offers me a ride I go if I want to go, not because I need to go to the store and this is my chance! Another point is that people don't overthink as much when offering rides as they do while accepting them. And sometimes people offer rides for other reasons, like they themselves need some company- not necessarily because they want to help you get your groceries.

So to ask/accept help, I make silly rules. I have to say yes half as many times as I say no. And I dont do this because I want to learn to accept help, it is because doing this one thing is a challenge for me. And I want to overcome that challenge. Ditto for networking. Talking to people like an extrovert/sociable person is a challenge therefore I push myself a little more every time I have a chance. Because its a challenge- nothing more, nothing less.
posted by xm at 2:00 PM on August 13