Its a numbers game afterall ...

August 10, 2009 7:00 AM

How honest should my okcupid profile be?

I am a young enough(early 30's) straight guy, who is recently single after a 7 year relationship, with 2 children. As such I am open to pretty much anything relationship wise - and don't want to reduce my odds. How much of this should be revealed?

Now don't get me wrong, by the second date I'd expect to be telling her all of this, but is it something to put on my profile?

Those using okcupid for sex - does my having kids put you off?

Those using it for a bit more, would dishonesty by ommision put you off?

Not that I need to encourage Mefites, but be honest.

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

I'm not familiar with okcupid, but if you have the option of disclosing whether or not you have kids and you choose to leave it blank, I would assume that you have kids. So if your intention is to not scare people off, it wouldn't work.
posted by shrabster at 7:15 AM on August 10 [1 favorite]

If we made it to two dates and I found out you had kids, I would (very honestly) think you were a shitty dad who didn't care about his kids because you didn't mention their existence on your profile.

There is a very high probability that would be our last date.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:18 AM on August 10 [24 favorites]

You'll get the results you are looking for if you are as honest as you can afford to be. Do you want the drama of someone getting mad at you because you didn't tell them you have kids and it was something that mattered to them and you've wasted their time? (and yours as well?)

It's part of the screening process (both yours and theirs) and if you want good results be honest.

Also keep in mind there's this magic window when doing online dating. Don't wait too long to meet people face to face to find out if the chemistry is really there.
posted by NoraCharles at 7:20 AM on August 10

Ok Cupid has these collections of questions (which seems to be the point of it) which you answer to get people who match by having them agree. So answering the questions truthfully should get you someone who is okay with these thing. One of those questions is probably "Are you okay sleeping with someone with children" and people will answer yes or no or maybe or whatever the answer options are. And then you will get people who are more likely to be okay with children! It is remarkable, statistics.

Not mentioning children seems pretty big to just leave off. Leaving off your astrological sign would not bother me.
posted by that girl at 7:22 AM on August 10 [2 favorites]

I don't think you will find sex on okcupid easily. you're a single man among an avalanche of single men and the female userbase isn't primarily or even secondarily on this site because of ONS encounters. there are other sites where you could go instead if that were your primary motivation. you'd still outnumber women by insane margins but the userbase would be at least on the same page as you.

that leaves relationships, love interests, dating and all that. would honesty put women off? I don't think honesty puts anyone off but there will be people who will not like the fact you are honest about or the way you deliver it and that's okay. you are not compatible to everyone out there and that's true for anyone else. one girl may like men with mustaches, another may not. (the only exception has to do with your mothers basement and unemployment, the combination of which is the ultimate cockblocker.) by being forthright about your circumstances you lower the chance that the other person will mistake you for someone you are not and eventually walk away. that might still happen and rejection will suck just as bad but you get the idea.

you have a list of what's important to you. now make a list of three or four adjectives of how you want to come across as. funny? optimistic? relaxed? now write your profile and keep in mind that every single sentence be compatible on its own with your adjectives. just keep demonstrating you are how you want to be seen without actually saying it. and for the love of god add a fitting and well-shot photo, not something tiny and cliched. look at what other guys are doing and compare poses. a lot of people will tell you to just write a great profile but at the end of the day it's the combination of profile+photo that will get you noticed. play around and work your profile until you begin to receive emails from people you like.
posted by krautland at 7:45 AM on August 10

Definitely mention it. If you're meeting up with someone just for "play," they wouldn't be meeting your kids anyhow -- I don't see why it would matter to a potential partner.
posted by chowflap at 7:47 AM on August 10

I had a coworker once (long gone) who had a MySpace page where he was obviously scamming.

Why was he obviously scamming?
1) He is African American and said he was First Nations (not his term)
2) He has 2 kids and he didn't mention them
3) He is married and he didn't mention that either

Among folks I know who online-date, it seems like dishonesty by omission is pretty sinful. Folks don't often have a lot to go on about whether someone is properly representing the truth, and as you can imagine, truths about relationships are pretty high on the priority scale for a lot of folks who are dating on places like okcupid. Certainly not all people but some who date online are hoping for honesty. Any lack of it can be disqualifying.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be dishonest but I do think you should evaluate strategically what you're hoping to get out of dishonesty, and if there's even a chance you expect to benefit from others' honesty, you should consider preemptively reciprocating.

And if you are going to lie (by omission or more actively), do use a condom if you get to sex. It's respectful and your date won't be left wondering what else you lied about so much because you were decent enough to be safer and careful about STDs.
posted by kalessin at 7:58 AM on August 10

If you're looking for something casual, they probably won't care if you have kids, so you should mention them.

If you're looking for something serious, they will definitely care if you have kids, so you should mention them.

Either someone will be okay sleeping with/casually dating/seriously dating someone with kids, or they will not. Not being upfront about it won't help anything - it'll only make people mad at you for being dishonest.
posted by shaun uh at 8:08 AM on August 10 [2 favorites]

For the love of god, yes you should mention your kids. Just don't be that person who never shuts up about their kids because they don't have any other interests or hobbies.

If you're looking for sex it probably won't matter at all. If you're looking for a relationship, it really, really matters. Put it in there. Be upfront as far as how often you have your kids, too. But don't spend your entire profile blathering on about what a superdad you are either.

I always hated people on there who were like, "OMG My kids are my life! Did I mention I have kids! They're my life! You know, my kids! They mean the world to me!" Don't do that, and don't include photos of your kids on your profile either. It just seems weird on a dating site. The kiddie pics can come out later, once you meet someone special.

When I used OkCupid, I mentioned my child in the sidebar statistics and then I mentioned her once in a sort of tongue-in-cheek way in the "What I'm doing with my life" section. Although there's no way I could hide my child in other conversation really either. Because if someone asks, "Hey, what did you do today?" there's a significant chance I did something with my kid.

Mention it, but if you're looking for more than just sex, make sure it's clear from the beginning as well. I've had people not really read profiles carefully and so they'll miss it and be totally surprised. So just double check that they actually read the thing, too.
posted by howrobotsaremade at 8:25 AM on August 10

If someone would be put off by your having kids do you really want to spend time with them?

I get that you're talking about the casual encounters side of the game, but still. There's lots of people who like to screw, it's not worth subterfuge in order to expand the pool a few percentage points.

Besides, sometimes things that start out one way end up another. My wife and I met on what she considered a "practice date." Why not just be honest? If nothing else you'll be more likely to find a bed buddy who's understanding that you have certain schedule constraints.
posted by phearlez at 8:33 AM on August 10

I'm unfamiliar with OKCupid's site. Does it ask you if you have kids? Does your profile section have a field designating whether or not you have children? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, then you should answer truthfully.

If you are asking "should I offer up this information freely in the about me section", then I would say you don't have to.

But kids are an important subject to potential suitors, and they should rightfully know about it. Honesty is a good thing.
posted by HabeasCorpus at 8:49 AM on August 10

Honesty is really, really important for successful (and repeated) casual encounters; no one wants to have sex with someone they don't trust. If you fail to mention the existence of kids early on, a potential partner could easily assume there are other things you're not disclosing, such as the existence of a wife or STDs.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:52 AM on August 10

Yes, if you didn't mention you had kids I would absolutely be put off and probably wouldn't have any future contact.
posted by MsMolly at 8:55 AM on August 10

I'm unfamiliar with OKCupid's site. Does it ask you if you have kids? Does your profile section have a field designating whether or not you have children?

Yes, it does, and yes, you should be honest.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:09 AM on August 10 [1 favorite]

Yes, be honest. Answering a lot of the questions is key to getting the most out of OKC. You'll get to ones about kids, and will have the chance to specify how important it is to you that any potential matches are okay with you having kids. Answer all of those questions completely honestly, and OKC will do much of the work of screening out matches who aren't okay with it.
posted by gingerbeer at 9:19 AM on August 10

Hello, I am you... in the future.

Early 30s dad, separated, used OkCupid to find dates.

I can't tell if you are just looking to get laid or actually interested in dating, so two answers:

For hookups: OkCupid sucks for our demographic if you are looking for sex. Maybe you can find more casual stuff there if you are younger w/ less responsibility, I don't know. So if that's what you are looking for maybe try another online service or Craigslist, or Adult Friend Finder.

For dating: Be totally honest. OkCupid has some quasi-scientific question and answer stuff that will assess this anyway. Acknowledge your kids, of course; I have no idea what your custody arrangement is, but I made it clear in my profile that I have a daughter and I spend a good amount of time with her, so if you are interested in me you have to be cool with that.

I have no idea how many women clicked past me because I have a daugther, but I got plenty of interest from women regardless. I'm dating someone quite nice from OkCupid now.

So anyway, it would be totally purposeless for you to not mention your children on OkCupid.
posted by RajahKing at 9:27 AM on August 10 [2 favorites]

Definitely mention that you have kids. It's kind of expected that in our age bracket (I'm also in my 30s), a fair amount of people have ended a marriage/LTR and there are kids present. Yeah, some people will be put off by kids (used to be one of those people myself), others won't care.
posted by medeine at 9:49 AM on August 10

I am in favor of you mentioning it, even having a nice picture of you with your kids. Some girls like a family man. You're in your 30's not your 20's so there are a lot more women (I suspect) that are into that sort of thing. Just my searching on OkC turned out a good number of women who state that they have kids.
posted by Groovytimes at 11:53 AM on August 10

If you have any interest in bringing a person you are dating into your life, then you should mention you have kids. This is a deal-breaker for many people, just like you probably wouldn't want to date someone who is completely intolerant of your children. As some previous posters mentioned, other site users won't mind the fact you have kids at all.
posted by seppyk at 1:05 PM on August 10

I would (and do) go for as much honesty as possible. If someone is going to hate you for something, it's better to let them do that without having to buy them dinner first. "Oh, but my case is different. She'll see me and her outlook on life will totally change." No.

So just be honest.
posted by jrockway at 2:33 PM on August 10 [1 favorite]

Yeah, you should say if you have kids. That's a big big big thing.

In fact, I can't possibly think of anything that would impact one's life more.
posted by Afroblanco at 4:47 PM on August 10

Most women are happy to date someone with kids.

Almost no women are happy to date liars.

Do you really want to date the women who are happy to date liars?
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:50 PM on August 10 [1 favorite]