wife marrying your best friend...?

August 10, 2009 12:06 AM

I want opinions on this...Marrying husbands best friend...?

Ok my boyfriend and I were watching pearl harbor I haven't seen this movie in several years. but it made me think...

My cousin in law's husband died in combat as well and she went on to start dating her husbands best friend. They're now been together for 10 yrs have children and she refuses to get married to him because of the pension that she receives from her husbands death.

Now I find this to be awful I do not agree w/ it whatsoever. I was talking w/ boyfriend about this and he thinks it's perfectly ok and doesn't see a problem with sleeping w/ your partners best friend if they pass away.

My view on this topic is that it's just disgraceful & disloyal, even in if the person is dead they should stay in your heart and you should still have respect for that person.

How do others feel about this, is this just me, should I view this differently?

Also I understand that you may want to keep a piece of that person w/ you, but why not do something that person would want of you. I lost a great friend recently and I couldn't have anything to do w/ anything that reminded me of her, even today it brings me to tears.

posted by lwclec072 to Society & Culture (17 answers total)

Harsh words for people who are enjoying life together and aren't hurting anyone else. Different people deal with loss in different ways; if this is what makes your cousin-in-law happy, you should be thankful that there is something that makes her happy after losing her husband.
posted by 0xFCAF at 12:13 AM on August 10, 2009

This is chatfilter because it's generally asking "what do you think about..." instead of a specific question.

But anyways, although I'm not married I think I'd probably prefer my widow to marry my best friend, rather than some random unknown creep. In some cultures I believe a widow automatically becomes the wife of her brother-in-law. (Though that's probably more because of women being viewed as property rather than out of concern for her welfare.)
posted by XMLicious at 12:13 AM on August 10, 2009

I choose my best friends very carefully - if I died, I think it would be great if my beloved boyfriend would be able to find happiness with one of them.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 12:15 AM on August 10, 2009

My view on this topic is that it's just disgraceful & disloyal, even in if the person is dead they should stay in your heart and you should still have respect for that person.

So she should be alone for the rest of her life? Or is it just husband's best friend's that are a problem? What about good friend but not best friend?

Also I understand that you may want to keep a piece of that person w/ you, but why not do something that person would want of you

How do you know her husband wouldn't want that of her? If he was called up to active service they may have even discussed his wishes in the event of his death. I think most people would want their surviving spouse/partner to be happy most of all.
posted by missmagenta at 12:15 AM on August 10, 2009

Response by poster: ok not meaning to offend anyone.

this is my opinion. this is a free world and i'm perfectly allow to express this however i'd like, thank you very much.

I apologize if this offends anyone, but i'm just looking for different views that can hopefully change my view on this, nothing more!
posted by lwclec072 at 12:17 AM on August 10, 2009

I've always subscribed to the belief that a good friend's ex-girlfriends or ex-wive or whatever is 100 percent off limits, because of how it would affect your friendship and the suspicion that maybe the woman was the only reason you were ever friends with the person in the first place.

However, if that friend is dead, then one of the main reasons for not doing it is gone. The thing I would have to ask myself is what would that friend have wanted if he had died? For a lot of people, they would want their spouse to be taken care of once they were gone. For others, they would feel like you do. But I think it's entirely possible for that person to "stay in your heart" and for you to act on your feelings for the deceased's widow/girlfriend.
posted by Happydaz at 12:20 AM on August 10, 2009

I don't see a problem with it and I don't see how moving on after a spouse's death is disrespectful. Don't most marriage vows include a "'Til death do us part" clause? If anything I think the husband would want his wife and his best friend to be happy, and if they found that happiness in each other's company, all the better.
posted by mia_farrow at 12:28 AM on August 10, 2009

This is very common. When two people share a specific, traumatic grief, they form a very unique and tight bond. There was an article in the NYT a few years ago looking at the pattern among 9/11 survivors, and I certainly have seen it among combat veteran widows.

When you lose someone like that... well, you take happiness where you can find it.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:31 AM on August 10, 2009

My friend's married sibling died very unexpectedly, and I didn't ask or anything, but from what I observed, I'm pretty sure my friend briefly and quietly hooked up with their newly widowed sibling-in-law. It's complicated and not "seemly", but honestly, it makes total sense, too- who else could understand what kind of awful time they were going through, but each other? Life's complicated, shit happens, and people in immense pain sometimes need to vent that pressure somewhere at a time when it can be really hard to make "proper" decisions. If they can find some comfort without hurting any living person too badly, I wouldn't presume to judge them.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:40 AM on August 10, 2009

I think it's better that she ended up with her deceased husband's best friend. He's someone the husband most likely thought highly of and trusted. Who better to look after his wife? And, btw, it's similar to the old testament advice to marry your dead brother's wife. I can understand that the arrangement can take a bit of getting used to, but the woman is a widow. Now, if she divorced her husband to marry his best friend, that's a whole different thing when it comes to sorting out relationships.
posted by x46 at 12:55 AM on August 10, 2009

Look at it this way, which may explain why this is common (because it is common). She's home and her husband dies overseas in combat. Now she's home alone and heartbroken. it's not like she' going to go out to singles bars. The only person who comes around to check on her after the funeral are her parents & inlaws, her best friends and her passed husbands best friend. He gets it, he understands the mourning she's going through because he is going through it as well. Many mourning bonding moments later, friendly walks and whatever else they might be doing to ride out to grief, they find that they are now very close. Close enough to date. Close enough to fall in love.

It's logical.
posted by dabitch at 12:59 AM on August 10, 2009

You can't have love and respect for the dead and also do what makes yourself happy? It seems sadder to me that you feel that you can't have anything to do with things that relate to your friend who has passed away. It seems like you're avoiding thinking of her!

By being with her husband's best friend, they have something strong and deep that they share (respect for their lost friend/spouse), and perhaps by being her husband's best friend, they also feel happy together in general. They can share their happy memories of the past and make new happy memories in the present. How is this disrespectful?

I'm not sure what I feel about not marrying to keep the pension, but the rest of it I'm perfectly fine with.
posted by that girl at 12:59 AM on August 10, 2009

My wife has told me, point-blank, that if anything ever happens to her and she passes away, she wants me to try to have a relationship with one of her best friends (a particular one) because it would make her happy to know that her two favorite people could be together if she couldn't be there.

So I think you should probably accept that what doesn't work for you may work for other people, and may have been (we'll never know, of course) okay with the deceased. In short, spend less time worrying about whether that's "okay" and more time worrying about why you would watch a movie as bad as Pearl Harbor.

i keed, i keed
posted by davejay at 1:00 AM on August 10, 2009

Oh, and:

this is my opinion. this is a free world and i'm perfectly allow to express this however i'd like, thank you very much.

I respectfully suggest that for you to suggest that "this is a free world" about the feedback you're receiving about a post that disses other people who are doing no harm but getting on with their lives in that self-same free world is disingenuous at best. I respectfully suggest that if you want to are genuinely looking for differing opinions, then you'd best hunker down and resist the urge to reply. Just read the things that come back, learn from them (or not) as you see fit, and then move on.
posted by davejay at 1:03 AM on August 10, 2009 [2 favorites]

this is my opinion. this is a free world and i'm perfectly allow to express this however i'd like, thank you very much.

People are also free to express their opinions however they like. It's a two-way street.

Your views are, to put it mildly, mean-spirited. Wedding vows are, as mia_farrow notes, till death do us part; part of becoming healthy after such a loss is resuming life after a period of mourning, and unless you've got some sort of information to the contrary, I fail to see what's wrong with two people who were already close getting together.
posted by rodgerd at 1:21 AM on August 10, 2009

As you've noticed, yours is a minority opinion. If I were you, I'd be wondering why I held that opinion, which has been noted is pretty unkind, and making note about my own feelings about my boyfriend and best friends.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:27 AM on August 10, 2009

this is my opinion. this is a free world and i'm perfectly allow to express this however i'd like, thank you very much.

I think you're looking for MeFi Rants, not AskMe.

10 years of happy married life with children, and you think it's awful?

Stop being shallow and judgmental. Other people's happiness is not your business.
posted by rokusan at 1:28 AM on August 10, 2009