How do I proceed without alienating him?

August 8, 2009 2:51 PM

Should I be content with just being friends, or should I push more?

Hi everyone,

A few weeks ago, while out with a friend, I met a guy that he works with for drinks. We all had a good time, and I was almost instantly into this guy.

Since that even I have thought about this person quite a bit so I found him on Facebook (how high school, I know) and added him just mentioning we all hung out and such. He replied that he'd been trying to stalk me but there are a lot of people on Facebook with my first name and he didn't have my full name. So I got the add and proceeded to ask him he wanted to grab a drink some time. He accepted.

Earlier this week we went out, chatted for a few hours over several pints and dinner and proceeded to exchange our numbers and such. We chat on IM at work and text in the evenings (he's not much of a phone talker). I mentioned to him that I had a good time and suggested that we did it again and now I'm under the impression that that he's looking for friend because he responded that "he's always game for beer" and would like me to join his friends in activities and such. Which is cool, as I don't really have too many friend around here, but I was under the impressions this would lead to something that wasn't strictly platonic. Am I just being impatient? I tend to over-think, well, everything so I'm pretty much going in circles on this one. Any thoughts would be helpful.

posted by animerion to human relations (16 comments total)

Too early to tell. Maybe he's inviting you to a group setting so you can see more of each other with less awkwardness. Go to it, potentially meet some cool people, and plan to hang out with him alone afterwards. See where it goes. Sounds like you met someone cool either way.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 3:01 PM on August 8 [1 favorite]

Spend some more time with him and see how things go. Usually guys won't invest a lot of time on frequent emails and hanging out with a woman unless they are interested in more than hanging out, so there is that.
posted by orange swan at 3:05 PM on August 8 [1 favorite]

Do you know for sure that he's gay?
posted by ishotjr at 3:11 PM on August 8

keep on- and up the flirting by, oh say 20%
posted by mrmarley at 3:13 PM on August 8

I do know that he is both gay and single. Sorry, I forgot to mention that.
posted by animerion at 3:16 PM on August 8

Wait and see. Going gung-ho at relationships tends to backfire. Let this guy see how cool and fun you are first, so he has something to base a decision on.
posted by Solomon at 3:18 PM on August 8 [1 favorite]

Personally, I think it's sometimes better to get the dating question answered one way or the other early in a friendship: if you get to know him really well, become really close friends, and then say "By the way, I have feelings for you," that could alienate him a lot more than asking him out shortly after meeting him. "You seem cute and interesting, wanna go on a date?" is a lot less pressure than "We've gotten to know each other so well, and all this time I've had feelings for you..."

If you know for sure that he's gay, why not just reply to the "Come have a beer with my friends?"-type invitations with something like "I'd hoped we could go out just the two of us. You know, like a date?" I mean, I suppose if you absolutely don't want to risk losing out on a friendship with this guy if he happens to not be interested, you could just keep hanging out at group activities and see where it goes.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:25 PM on August 8 [1 favorite]

Hang out with him, play it cool, but not too cool. You don't want him shuffling you into the "friends only" category in his own mind because you're trying not to scare him off.

Just make sure you have fun. Sounds like you are already!
posted by xingcat at 3:25 PM on August 8

Keep hanging out. And flirt, flirt, flirt. Ramp up that touching, baby.

Then, say, "I'd like to get to know you better. Dinner, on me? I know a great restaurant." Maybe drop the name of the restaurant, make sure it's some place pretty low-key, but still nice. If he says yes, go and enjoy yourself.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 4:00 PM on August 8

My experience with these matters have been that if both people are feeling the sparks, even if they decide to hang out as "friends," things usually happen on their own anyway: They will flirt madly when they are around each other and try to find ways to be alone, which is very awkward for everyone else watching.

So, whether you want to push it or not is up to you. Personally, I would just go with the flow, and see what happens, because hey, if nothing happens, you get a cool friend to hang out with, who might introduce you to other guys!
posted by moiraine at 4:04 PM on August 8 [2 favorites]

Your profile says you're taken. Perhaps he sees you as such.
posted by scottymac at 4:12 PM on August 8

Oops, I didn't know you were male. Scratch my comment. Despite having unwittingly dated a few gay boys back in high school, I make no claim of understanding what lots of texts and IMs and hanging out might mean in this context.
posted by orange swan at 4:16 PM on August 8

For some people, not fitting into their circle of friends is a dealbreaker. Something to consider.
posted by rhizome at 4:18 PM on August 8 [3 favorites]

"I'm always up for a beer" is safe. He doesn't want to make it like you're going out. Or, rather, he doesn't want to phrase it that way. After all, you didn't. He digs you. It's pretty clear. It's not about seeing how you are with his friends. He likes you. He's just being casual to avoid offense.
posted by happysurge at 9:08 PM on August 8

So it sounds like the consensus is that I should probably remain optimistic about it. I'll try and be patient but not complacent about it. Thanks for the assistance folks.
posted by animerion at 12:51 PM on August 9

i frequently invite people that i'm considering as potential partners to come hang out with my friends. i consider my friends generally to be good judges of character. plus, generally anyone i date will end up hanging out with my friends a considerable amount, so if they don't like each other that could be an obstacle.

if i don't like someone or suspect that i don't want to date them, i would not invite them out with my friends.
posted by groovinkim at 3:19 AM on August 10