I live with my mother; enough said.

August 5, 2009 5:28 PM

I've got debt, no car, no prospects. And I live with my mom. Make me feel like I won't be stuck here forever, in a swirling vortex of nagging and dead-end Craigslist job ads.

I moved back home after a year in college, $5,500 debt, and a 1.3 GPA (due to getting sick for 2 weeks and failing 2nd semester's classes). Now I have no money, no car, the job market is the worst I've ever seen it, and I feel like I'm in a black hole.
I know this sort of question isn't new to you, but maybe one part of this multi-faceted question might be, so I'll list:
1. My mom has started treating me normally again. That is, she tells me everyday I "better find a job or I won't hear the end of it". I don't think she knows there's no jobs in our little town, pop. 25,000, for an abrasive 18 year old with no real skills. Craigslist has become overpopulated with what I call "not real" jobs. They don't say what company is posting and it leads me to a suspiciously generic looking application to fill out...no extra information given. (Is that normal, by the way?) I can't ask you how to ward her off, but what can I do, since I'm obviously not going to be employed anytime soon? I'm already thinking of going door-to-door soliciting odd jobs, putting up signs for tutoring and babysitting, and busking downtown with my un-amplified electric guitar. (I also could sell some things, but I have barely anything to sell.) I doubt my ability to deal with babysitting/tutoring however, since I will get "suddenly" paralysed with depression and can't get out of bed for a day.

2. I feel incredibly guilty having to lie to apply to jobs. I'm Definitely Not "extroverted, energetic, loves people" etc. etc. etc. That eliminates every minimum wage job I can think of. I figure, once they find out I'm depressed, neurotic, and quiet, they'll fire me anyway. Does anyone else encounter this? Surely not everyone else in the world is "extroverted, energetic..." blah blah. Surely not everyone can work in a "high class restaurant" or owns "appropriate business attire", which is required for all those "fake" Craigslist receptionist jobs. What do you do?

3. Can I even THINK about ever moving out? I was depressed in college, I'm depressed here. But at least where I was...there was some kind of job market. I didn't feel completely stuck. Here at home, I have no way out of the house unless my mom drives me, and she really likes to complain about how she has to work on the weekends, which just makes me feel more guilty. (I naturally feel guilty all the time.) I can't even really get to a job without a car, but I can't get a car without a job. These kind of situations make me so upset. So, I applied to the community college but I don't think I'll be getting financial aid either. And I only have one friend left here at home, and she's moving away later this month for college. How can I feel better about my situation? I used to like thinking about moving away, how much better the future is going to be...but now, after leaving and failing miserably, it all seems like a lie. It seems like now I've seen reality and I still can't deal with how unfair life is...or something like that.

4. What should I do without financial aid? The problem is, I don't want to be stuck somewhere, like most people I assume, with a degree in something I ended up not liking too much after all. In college, I tried for a degree in Audio Production, then Theatre. I applied to community college as a Business Administration AS, but now I'm thinking of getting a Early Childhood certificate, since it seems like there's at least some jobs there. (Frankly though, I'm scared of catching their swine flu...I'm scared of sickness; maybe I shouldn't work with children.) I think a certificate that leads to immediate employment would work, don't you? Then I could work my way up to something more useful. But I really can't stand it here (Salem, VA, for those who care to know) and was seriously considering GROVELLING for a Pell Grant for Northern VA Community College...and live in Washington DC, where surely there must be more opportunities. But it takes money to move (I'd do that either in Spring 09 or Fall 10.) My ultimate goal is moving to England. I don't know why. That goal looks completely unattainable right now, though.

I hate having to schedule my future around having a job. I also don't have a history of keeping a steady job. (I've had 3, all lasting exactly 2 months.)
I want to work in theatre, media, music, radio, I want to teach children French, I want to be a professor, I want to work at home, I want to do this, I want to travel, I want to do that.
I also get sick easily so I will eventually need the medical insurance I don't think I currently have. And I'm scared of commitment (SEE: my 3 jobs)

I just can't get it together.
I used to think I'd have time to sort it out...but it feels like I don't.
Sorry this is so, so, so long. I tried to break it up...!

Make me feel better (if you can)?

posted by lhude sing cuccu to work & money (43 comments total)

1. Colleges will very often "forgive" failed grades in freshman year. Contact your college. Stay on the phone with as many people and departments as it takes. They will tell you that you must write a letter explaining your hardships and why you should be eligible for grade forgiveness. Tell them the truth. If this works out they will drop the F's (some colleges restrict this to a maximum of two classes, some colleges don't) and your 1.3 GPA will not be 1.3 anymore.

2. Apply to college again. Something tells me you won't grown an energetic or extroverted bone overnight. Take advantage of all the resources the college has to offer the students. Especially counseling and psych services. Deal with that depression.

3. Don't worry about financial aid. Let's assume your two choices are to 1) pretend you are extroverted and energetic and love people vs. 2) "Waste" time and money trying to figure out what you want to do in college/life. I'd rather be in a mountain of student debt loans...

More on the financial aid and trying to figure out what you want: most colleges give you lots of required electives you have to take. Why don't you use them to figure out what you want to major in? Take one elective from a bunch of departments and see what you enjoy. Regardless of the major you select, the electives you've taken for other classes will still work as general ed electives.

You need to apply for grade forgiveness, transfer back to your old college or a new one, move out, find what you enjoy (forget about how much it's costing you), learn to love the ramen noodles.


I'm not an expert in any of this, I just really, really feel you since I was in a pretty similar boat and I'm now back in academia with a 3.9 GPA. Going back to college after dropping out was the absolute best idea I've ever had. If you want to talk more about this feel free to memail me.

Good luck!
posted by ttyn at 5:47 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

First, completely wipe from your mind the prospect of finding a job on Craigslist, or anywhere on the internet for that matter. Get off the damned internet.

Second, get it out of your mind to go to school. You have no idea what you want to do with yourself, nor even who you are as a person. College will be a waste at this point.

Go out, day after day, into your population 25,000 community, and find work. Backbreaking, banal, boring, whatever. Find work that you don't have to lie to get. Spend your energy - mental and physical - on becoming truly excellent at that job, even if it is a total piece of shit job. In doing so, you will start to learn about yourself.

Come back after a year of doing that, and re-assess. Hopefully, at that time, you'll be mortified when you re-read this post.
posted by jbickers at 5:48 PM on August 5 [13 favorites]

The military. Or the Coast Guard, if you have a problem with carrying a weapon. I know that the Navy has a journalist MOS.

Hop on the bus, Gus. Salem isn't so small that there's no avenue out.

I've been there, and I don't just mean Salem.
posted by jgirl at 5:48 PM on August 5

You write well, so you might want to consider doing online freelancing.

Take a look at the "services" sections of Digital Point and Warrior Forum, see what jobs you believe you can do-- or can learn to do--, and offer your services.

Depending on the service you offer, people will probably want to see a sample, but no one will care about your age or job history.
posted by darth_tedious at 5:49 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

This is not an answer to your question per se, but no student should ever have to fail classes because they were sick (this is especially relevant if you are out of school because you are on academic suspension due to your GPA). I'm sure you college has a committee that you can appeal to; at the very least you should contact your academic adviser (or go directly to the dean of undergraduates if you don't have a personal relationship with an adviser) to ask what you have to do to take care of this.
posted by halogen at 5:54 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

The military....Hop on the bus, Gus.

I like this advice- not necessarily the part about the military, you'll have to make that decision for yourself, but the idea of radically shaking up your life. You are young, your debt isn't so outrageous as to tie you in any one place, you are smart. I think a crazy, life-shaking step would be good for you. Maybe you could teach English in a foreign country? Apply to work with Americorps? Join the circus?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:56 PM on August 5 [3 favorites]

Your situation definitely sucks.

I know what you're going through to some degree: past choices make a bad situation, which makes you feel down. Feeling down causes you to make more bad choices. And so on. The deeper the hole is the harder it is to climb out of.

I don't know if there's any one magical thing I can say to you to make you feel better. It's not your fault! You made the best choices you could, given the information you had and the emotions you were experiencing! Look at the positive things you've got: physical health, a family, a life free of violence and turmoil.

Did any of that work? I've found that it's hard to change thoughts and emotions without action. I recommend starting small. Really small.

Tomorrow morning, take a walk outside for like 15 minutes. Try to commit to doing it for a week. Yeah, ok, it won't help you get a job, but it seems at this point your "feeling crappy" problem has merged with the "unemployed" problem.

On the job issue, I'd recommend offering free tutoring over craigslist. Say you'll do like three free sessions and if they like it they can continue for whatever rate you can get away with. In the meantime, look for a real job (starbucks and coffee bean offer medical benefits!) In the immediate term, you can make quick cash doing tasks on the internet. Info here.
posted by dualityofmind at 5:58 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

I feel incredibly guilty having to lie to apply to jobs.
Job interviews are about you expressing how much you want this specific job. You do this by exaggerating how much you will enjoy the job. Everybody lies. That's just how it works. There is zero to feel guilty about. You should feel proud for being responsible and trying to reduce the burden on your family. If you are willing to look for a job in a different town, you should be extra proud. You are achieving independence.

I hate having to schedule my future around having a job.
You are not an aristocrat and you cannot spend your life flitting from whim to whimsy. Three paths are available to you: you live in a commune in the woods, or you get a job, or you continue on your current path. All three of these options involve having your future somewhat scheduled, because a somewhat comfortable life is a somewhat stable life. That's just how it works.

Can you get anti-depressants from a doctor? They work well for many people.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 5:59 PM on August 5

I'm Definitely Not "extroverted, energetic, loves people" etc. etc. etc.

There was a study done by a psychologist who posted a help wanted ad, along the lines of the one you are describing, seeking extroverted, energetic go-getters, and when they arrived to apply for the "job" he gave them a psychological test. The people who responded, on average, had significantly higher percentage of psychopathic personalities than a random sampling of the population.

So not feeling like that description matches you is not necessarily a bad thing.

If you are a normal, well adjusted human being you should be able to respond to the kind of ads you describe.
posted by jayder at 6:00 PM on August 5

The military is a great way to break out of a rut, and if you're motivated enough you can use it as a springboard to college and career. This might be a good solution to weather the current economic storm. I would say check out the Air Force; there are a lot of technical occupations there and you probably won't have to worry about being mired in a war zone, though of course in the military there are no absolutes. </ex military>
posted by crapmatic at 6:02 PM on August 5

ThePinkSuperhero: Actually, I'm a pretty impulsive person. Insisting on going to college in Chicago instead of Virginia seemed to start this chain of horrible events...I cringe to think of how much money I wasted making really bad decisions there. (Buying a $1,000 Mac, not getting a $285 deposit back, paying $500 extra for my plane ticket back because I thought it said the wrong day!)
But oh how I am inclined to take your advice.

Everyone else: Hm.. I never though it'd be possible to get "grade forgiveness". Is it too late? I left in May. I also just did my exit counselling, if that even matters.
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 6:03 PM on August 5

Dr. Wayne Dyer speaks of six principles that are important for becoming inspired.

Principle 1. Be Independent of the Good Opinion of Others
If you remember your Shakespeare, Hamlet asked, "To be, or not to be: that is the question." Think of this as being symbolic of the choices we have to make, that is do we become what we intend to be, or do we ignore our desires.

Principle 2. Be Willing to Accept the Disapproval of Others
We will incur the disfavor of others if we follow our inclinations. However, as we gain the strength to ignore the pressure to conform and demonstrate the success of our plans, resistance will diminish and ultimately change to respect.

Principle 3. Stay Detached from Outcomes
Inspiration doesn't come from completing tasks or meeting goals. The purpose isn't to arrive at a destination. The purpose is to enjoy every moment despite the fact that there will be rocks in the path along the way.

Principle 4. Know That You Don't Need Things to Be Inspired
We arrive on this earth with nothing. We'll make our exit with nothing. Everything you need to be inspired is within you. It takes heart. It takes guts. You will hurt. You will cry. But you have the strength within you to achieve if you set your mind to it and execute tirelessly.

Principle 5. Don't Die Wondering
We don't want to be full of regrets because we didn't heed our ultimate dreams and calling. Attempting to do something, even if it doesn't succeed, is inspiring because we don't tend to regret what we do, we regret what we didn't do.

Principle 6. Remember That Your Desires Won't Arrive On Your Schedule
Our egos won't be consulted to determine when the good stuff will really begin to happen. Our job is to take the focus off of the when and put it on being connected; whether with a network of peers, or spiritually.

Some suggestions for putting these principles to work:

—make a written commitment to yourself to be free of the pressures of people who try to dictate the course of your life.

—small steps. We didn't get to the moon in a day. It took nearly a decade.

—instead of stressing yourself with goals, make the commitment to live joyfully in the moment.

—respect the burning desire that is within you. Go for the gold, so to speak.

—affirm to yourself that whatever brings passion, enthusiasm and inspiration in your life is the correct path.
posted by netbros at 6:03 PM on August 5 [7 favorites]

work at the mall. fake it on the extroverted part. think of every fake smile and cheerful hello as another deposit in your "get the hell out of your mother's house" fund. ever been to a store where the retail staff was surly, rude, unhelpful, and generally quiet or weird - just think, you can be one of them! once you have work you can work on finding a better job or something you'd rather do. right now you need to get out of the house, get a job (any job), and take care of yourself for a bit.

also - as others have said, get off the internet. in a town of 25,000 you need to be pounding the pavement to get a job. walk around your entire town looking for help wanted signs. after that, just start asking any place if they're hiring someone to do manual labor or typing. is there a temp agency in your town or in the next big town over? apply with them.

you won't find a quality job on craigslist and you won't find a job you love right away.
posted by nadawi at 6:06 PM on August 5

An Early Childhood certificate, if what you mean is a ticket to work in preschools or long day care centres, could be a great idea.

I have some contact with the industry where I live and people tell me that childcare can be immensely satisfying, especially in the community-run centres which operate as co-operatives. The pay is woeful, there's no career path to speak of and the conditions aren't always the best, but the job security is good, it's work that garners a certain amount of trust in the community, and the children, are, well, children. If you like kids, it's worth considering.

As for swine flu, by now you've probably already had it and gotten over it without noticing.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 6:14 PM on August 5

If you do consider the military I second the suggestion of Air Force.

I also think you should check into resources in your community to deal with your depression. You need to make sure it's not a cause and not just a result of your situation.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:22 PM on August 5

If you just want to get out of the house, and if you have any interest in trying your hand at farming, you could check out http://www.wwoof.org/. Basically you live on a farm, provide help for about 20 hours a week there, and the rest of the time is yours. If you can find one relatively close in a better town, you could use it as a jumping board for part-time work while you sort yourself out. Less of a long-term commitment than the military, still some structure, still learning valuable skills, and much more free time even while committed. Friend of mine did this and loved it. Another friend went to Hawaii to try it out, didn't find a farm she liked, and ended up working at a youth hostel part time for two months in exchange for free lodging there. You could also check out these people - http://www.coolworks.com/.
posted by lorrer at 6:27 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

I grew up in a small city like yours, in terrible economic times as well (Michigan in the 80's). We didn't even have the internet then, so here's how to get a job.

Go to every store, coffee shop, restaurant, movie theater, McDonalds, etc. and ask to fill out an application. Dress well, drink some coffee before you go out. Fill out at least 5 applications a day. Talk to your mom's friends, any neighbors you know and let them know that you are looking for a job. If you have computer skills, let them know that you would be willing to come by and fix/setup their computers for them. Offer to do yard work.

It's all about volume and networking. Don't bother worrying about not being an "outgoing people person" those are the most useless words in the English language. People put these terms in want ads because the truth: "seeking warm body with little pride and meager needs for pointless job" doesn't bring in the applicants. If you go out and fill out applications, talk to folks and keep at it, you WILL get a job, guaranteed.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 6:33 PM on August 5 [5 favorites]

Join the military.

Serve your country and, even better, your service will really serve you. I've met so many people whose lives were forever changed for the better because, in the military, they learned self respect, they learned to respect authority, and some of them have gone on to be incredibly successful people.

You're young. You feel stuck. You don't have money. You can't find a job. Well... why not join the military? And then, when your service ends, you'll get a better deal on an affordable college education through the GI bill, etc. And, best of all, with the skills you'll have learned in the military, you'll definitely be a more successful student, which will only help you to be even more successful after college.

Is a commitment like that scary? Of course. But, ask yourself: how scary is the position you're in now if you can't find a way out of it?

Join the military.
posted by 2oh1 at 6:54 PM on August 5

I dropped out of my first semester of college, due to depression and apathy. I was 18, living at home with a mother I didn't like. Eventually she threatened to throw me out if I didn't find work. So I worked at McDonald's. I can be extroverted if I have to be, but all the introverts there worked on the grill so they didn't have to deal with customers. Then I got a data entry job that paid enough for me to get my own apartment. I bought a shitty car. A couple years later, I went back to school. Having worked the shitty jobs and driven my shitty car sure made me appreciate college. I highly recommend taking a year or two off if you don't know what you want to do; when I went back, I was SURE.

Your college was in Chicago? Did you make any friends here that would let you crash on their couch or be roommates while you look for a job? There's tons more potential here than in a town of 25,000. If I were you I'd pack my shit and jump on a Greyhound. You're 18, plenty of time before you have to settle down anywhere.
posted by desjardins at 6:55 PM on August 5

Did you make any friends here that would let you crash on their couch or be roommates while you look for a job? There's tons more potential here than in a town of 25,000. If I were you I'd pack my shit and jump on a Greyhound.

This great advice. If you don't want the McJob - get the hell out of Dodge. I did....eventually.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 7:14 PM on August 5 [2 favorites]

My daughter got stunningly high marks in the U.S. navy tests due to her computer/internet savvy and is well on her way to being a sonar technician -- a plum position. She'll be trained, she'll travel, she'll meet hundreds of people, and she'll get loads of job assistance if she chooses to exit the service. She did this starting from the rural mountains of north Georgia. If you want to bail out completely and see the world and get a lot of help learning who you are, the military is a good choice.
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:18 PM on August 5

an abrasive 18 year old with no real skills.

Stop being that.

You can't stop being eighteen but you can stop being abrasive and you can start volunteering and building up a resume. Do some meaningful volunteer work in a field you think you might want to work in--while you look for paid work. Take a retail job or a food service job if you can find one, and do your best at it.
posted by Neofelis at 7:25 PM on August 5

Guys...I'm not joining the military.

I did think about volunteering...but again, I have no car. Our bus system is really terrible and doesn't really go anywhere but residential neighborhoods and downtown.

I actually went to apply for a job as a "Birthday Coordinator" at the science museum...which would be a pretty cool job, I admit. But I think I exuded some of myself that made the lady think I probably shouldn't be coordinating any happy sorts of days. I'm just guessing. I will still be calling every day about it, don't worry about that!

Chicago has a weird vibe for me now. Not to mention I have no money to go back.. so many reasons.

I know I shouldn't be going to school if I don't know what I want to do, but I also think that maybe having a degree could be helpful...now saying that just now it sounds kind of wrong. Especially an AS degree; never mind.

I also just found amazon's "mechanical turk", and although I can feel my brain shrivelling, it's better than staring at my own facebook profile for an hour, which is what I usually do late at night.
posted by lhude sing cuccu at 7:42 PM on August 5

If you follow The Light Fantastic's advice, you will get a job in 2-3 weeks. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, crack open the Yellow Pages (dead tree version) and hit the pavement.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:43 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

I can't believe people are advising him to join the military. I don't even understand the logic. "Hey! You're depressed! Why don't you tell the government you're cool with killin' folks? It'll get you right out of that rut!"

I recommend that you go to a local community college and start to develop some skills. If you do it right, you can get enough training in a trade that you can get a job pretty quickly. It won't be a great job, but it will be a job. You can then continue with your education if you like—or you can stick with your trade.

You don't have to follow one of the Standard Paths to Middle Class Acceptability.
posted by sonic meat machine at 7:57 PM on August 5 [2 favorites]

Make me feel like I won't be stuck here forever, in a swirling vortex of nagging and dead-end Craigslist job ads.

The responders to your ask.me are trying to tell you that it's self-pity that's keeping you stuck.

Turn your computer off. Do not recheck facebook or mefi. Run, don't walk, away from the Mechanical Turk.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:59 PM on August 5

You know what you have to do: get a shitty job. If you wait until you want to do it, you will never do it. All the time you kill online waiting until you hit that right mood where you have the energy to get started is wasted because you will never finish reading a facebook update, look up, and think: now. I am ready now. You will not feel ready. You will not feel happy about it. You don't get the shitty job when the stars align. You get it now. Tomorrow is Thursday: weekday! Get a ride into town, go to your Main Street equivalent, and start walking down the street. Every time you see a business of any kind (restaurant, theater, hardware store, office), walk in, smile, and ask if they're hiring. Fill out applications at every place that is hiring. This is step 1.
posted by prefpara at 8:04 PM on August 5 [2 favorites]

Well, I have empathy for your situation. However as you surely know, the economy SUCKS right now. Even people with lots of skills and experience are having a tough time getting a job. The situation is definitely worse in some areas of the country, and it sounds like you are one of them. Believe me, I know lots of people in their 30s and older who have moved back with the 'rents. So you have nothing to feel ashamed about...at your age, it's more than normal to have moved back home.

Your mother sounds like the "tough love" type. Mine was too. I'm not sure I have anything helpful to offer other than try to talk to her about what kind of support is most helpful to you. With some family members, though, this will just fall on deaf ears.

Have you considered trying to find a support group for people who are in similar situations?

I guess the final thing I will say is that while debt is not pleasant, yours is not a huge amount by any stretch of the imagination. I suggest you get the focus off your debt and onto creative solutions for getting to where you want to be. Whether it's going back to school, making some cash in creative ways (pet sitting, becoming a nanny, etc.) you will get through this.
posted by mintchip at 8:04 PM on August 5

You've already got a lot of great advice and I agree with those who say that if possible you need to attack the depression first but since you specifically mentioned that you'd like to live in England someday I thought that I through I'd throw out working abroad. Here's a link to BUNAC. I don't know much about it except that they arrange work abroad and volunteer abroad experiences to young adults. I think that the cut off age is 26 or so, so if you can't do it now, it's something to look into for later. I only know one guy who did it after he finished his undergrad degree. He worked in a London pub for 5 months and had a great time. Not sure what the money is like, or if he had help from home, but it doesn't hurt to check it out. Hell sometimes just having something to work toward and look forward to is enough to get you out of a funk. And there are some experiences that really are only possible when you are young, unencumbered, and have the rest of your life to get a serious, stable job with a retirement plan.

Also it's great that you have all of these disparate interests, but I couldn't help but notice that some of them seem at odds with your description of yourself as an introvert. I don't want to be discouraging, but if you feel that this personality trait is putting you off applying for retail and restaurant jobs, what makes you think that you'll be able to face a classroom full of kids? Do you think that you can't do these jobs (the retail and restaurant) or do you just really not want to do them and you're using your perceived introversion as an excuse? And I don't want to downplay the depression and say "just get over it," I know that it's harder and more complicated than that, I'm just trying to say, perhaps rather inarticulately, that you might want to be more realistic about your potential career paths, and that alone might make them seem more attainable.
posted by kaybdc at 8:09 PM on August 5

Oh, and: your personality is not destiny. Your belief that you "can't" is false. You definitely can. You need to recognize that you're using this idea that you "can't" as an excuse. It works for you in the short term, because you give yourself permission not to do the things that you don't want to do, but it will definitely fuck you over in the long term. The reality is that you CAN do the possible. You don't have to do the exceptional. You don't have to do the extraordinary. You don't have to do the perfect. You do have to do the possible. It is possible for you to go to town tomorrow, walk into every open business, and fill out every application that is handed to you. If it is possible, then you can do it. That's what can means. When you tell yourself a lie, immediately stop, recognize the lie you've told, try to understand why you're trying to trick your own mind, and decide not to use the lie. The next time you tell yourself you "can't" do something, ask: is it physically possible for me to do this? If there were a gun to my head, could I find a way to do it? If the answer is yes, then you can do it, but don't want to. That's ok. You are in a temporary period of doing things you don't want to do. It will pass. It's a trip to the dentist. When you come out the other side, you will have a lot of ways to do the things you want to do: money, independence, self respect, etc. And nice teeth.
posted by prefpara at 8:10 PM on August 5 [1 favorite]

You are very young, you've still got quite a bit to learn, and it takes time, so relax a bit.

First off, I can tell you why you get depressed. It may be your brain's way of trying to discourage you from wasting precious energy and time on goals that it thinks that you will never achieve. This is why some days it feels like someone "unplugged" your power cord and why you can't seem to get out of bed. Observe:

This is you -----------------------------------------------------------------> This is your goals.

You seem to be very far, far away from being able to achieve most of the things you mentioned that you want to be doing. Admit it.

You want to move out, go to England, "work in theatre, media, music, radio, I want to teach children French, I want to be a professor, I want to work at home, I want to do this, I want to travel, I want to do that," yet... you don't even seem to be able to get a shitty job to get your mom off your back.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, and I'm not saying that you should forget your dreams! But what I recommend is that you set realistic and attainable goals, always, at every stage of the game. You must build up to currently "unattainable" seeming goals by compounding easily attainable goals.

Break down ambitious goals into goals you can attain right now, right here, with your current resources, energy, situation, etc. What can you realistically accomplish right here, right now, with what is right in front of you?

I think you should also try out Scott Adams' (the guy who draws Dilbert) affirmation method. I do it every day and it makes me feel pretty good.
posted by Theloupgarou at 8:14 PM on August 5 [2 favorites]

Scott Adams is from Windham, NY, a few miles from the even smaller town, no, make that hamlet, I grew up in. Now, Salem, VA, (I've been there, too, for a couple of months) is like a megalopolis compared with Windham (skiing notwithstanding). I'm not surprised to see that he has a "method."

There's still the Coast Guard. I often wish I'd done it when I was in similar shoes. Because 25-30 years later, the shoes are not that much better.
posted by jgirl at 9:04 PM on August 5

You answered your own question. You want to go back to school. Get those grades forgiven, enroll in a low-cost county college, get excellent grades, go to an excellent graduate school, become a professor of something you never thought about studying before.

All of us have experienced a time similar to yours in our lives. We lose a career. We're broke. Our marriages don't work out. We don't like what we're doing. We don't know what we want. We all fall into things. We all believe that it's too late. We blew it.

You can be and do anything you want, and that's the truth. Enroll in school, and then go get a job in the meantime. Preferably one of those crazy ones listed above :-)
posted by xammerboy at 12:24 AM on August 6

Think about the person you want to be. Then figure out what you need to do to get there. Then figure out the next step towards that goal that you actually know how to do. Repeat until awesome.

Improving your self/circumstances is not easy, and probably never gets easy. Right now, you probably suck at it, not for lack of talent, but because you don't have much practice at it. Think of it like getting in shape (on a side note, more exercise is never a bad idea). Right now, you're not in good "improving yourself" shape, but as you continually work at it, you'll get better at it, and you'll have more stamina, and you'll have a better idea of what works and what doesn't. Eventually, self-improvement will just be part of your personality, and everyone will talk about how awesome you are.

Yes, you're in a shitty situation, and you feel like you are helpless to change it. Well, you and the rest of us know that you aren't helpless to change it, but you have to remember that if you're going to have a chance.

So now some more practical advice. Set a short/medium term goal, and make that goal "get money". It doesn't sound like you know many different ways to get it, that's okay, neither do I. You do know that a job will get you money. So get a job, take the first offer you get, no matter how crummy. Work there and save your pennies. If you're not happy with how much money you make (and I hope you aren't), keep looking for better opportunities. But the important thing is that you do something to move forward. Having goals and making progress is the opposite of feeling helpless, which is what you're trying to fix.
posted by where u at dawg at 6:26 AM on August 6

I guess it might be a little harder because of the economy, but you really shouldn't need any college courses under your belt to start out in child care. Try to find a place that'll hire you (as a sub or part-timer if need be), give it a try and see if you like it and it's a good fit for you. You'll want to take classes if you ever want to get paid decently, but often there are scholarships for people working in child care to take classes while they work.

Oh, and anyone can have swine flu, not just kids. It seems like you have some anxiety going on; if you can't find a low-cost therapist, maybe try some self-help books and try to push through your fears?
posted by EmilyClimbs at 7:14 AM on August 6

Seek help with your depression. IANAPsychiatrist, but that sounds like the root of the problem. One major thing that's lacking here is perspective: your current situation is not permanent, and will only become permanent if you don't do anything to change it. That's got depression's fingerprints all over it.
Go back to school. Lots of people 'find themselves' in college. The ones who don't still have a degree that makes getting non-shitty jobs easier. Moreover, the odds of the economy improving over the next several years are better than the odds that you'll find a decent job right now. Nobody says you have to go back to the same school or even to Chicago (which is a major city, and can give as many different vibes as you're willing to look for). Maybe try a state school closer to home.
FWIW, the military's not for everyone. In hindsight, I often wish I had at least examined that option more clearly when I was a freshman on academic probation. It's not the only route--I have a graduate degree and a job now, and I didn't do it--but it bears more thinking about than a lot of abrasive 18 year-olds with no skills think.
Otherwise, think trade school. Culinary school is a pretty hip place to be these days. You can earn a good living (even if you're abrasive) as a welder (especially underwater), electrician, plumber, or machinist, but they all require extensive training. Or get out and see the world (and work your ass off) in the US Merchant Marine. But do something.
posted by willpie at 7:46 AM on August 6

Eleven years ago, I was in a very similar situation. I had no real work experience and my people skills were marginal at best. I failed 7 out of 8 courses my first year of university and got kicked out for a year. I got a student loan and moved out of the house, so I blew six grand in student loans on nothing. I couldn't get a job to save my life. I had to move home. My family were so disappointed in me. But that was nothing compared to how disappointed I was in myself.

I ended up moving across the country to work in a resort town. My folks bought the plane ticket and gave me a couple hundred bucks to get there and get settled. Their message was clear: This is the last time we will do this for you. DO NOT fuck this up.

Sure, I was cleaning toilets for a living at first, but I met some amazing people and actually learned how to work and hold down a job. Shit job gradually led to better jobs. I was also living in one of the most beautiful places on earth (Jasper, Alberta), so my overall outlook on life improved dramatically. The change of scenery was just what I needed. More than that, my people skills improved. I learned to suck it up, smile, look people in the eye, and get to work. Five years later, I went back to university with enough money to cover my first year and test the waters again - and this time I didn't fuck it up.

I want to work in theatre, media, music, radio, I want to teach children French, I want to be a professor, I want to work at home, I want to do this, I want to travel, I want to do that.

You can do all these things, you just don't know it yet.

Good luck. Feel free to MeMail me if you'd like.
posted by futureisunwritten at 10:47 AM on August 6

So my ideas for you center on a need to seek out knowledge.

1. Contact your university's admissions office - they may be the people who deal with "readmission". Ask them about your options. And rest assured - like all your academic records, your confidentiality is safe. The person who answers the phone doesn't know you personally, isn't going to call your friends back in Chicago and tell them all the "juicy details", and isn't going to snicker with your profs about that loser who had to drop out over that one paper he didn't write.

2. Look for a job at a big institution with lots of cog-gear-type work. Start with your community college - library assistants, people who check out gym equipment - and look at hospitals, supermarkets, nursing homes, construction firms, mega-churches...whatever's nearby and big and has a lot of people around. Talk to your mom about how you'll need her support to get you around until you can afford to...

3. Buy a car! Perfectly decent cars are out there for $2000-$3000, which sounds uber-massive but is actually probably about a semester's worth of part-time savings. See if your folks can get you on their insurance. Look at past AskMes on how to do this.

4. Move to a bigger city either for work, to finish college, or to follow a passion. You know your future isn't in your town, and that's totally OK! You know you're on borrowed time. You're not there forever.

Finally, from this:

I hate having to schedule my future around having a job. I also don't have a history of keeping a steady job. (I've had 3, all lasting exactly 2 months.)

I'm 26 and I teach English abroad full-time. The profession is my first "real" job. I've worked in three countries in three years and am only now staying on somewhere for a second year. I don't set my schedule. I have time that I have to be available to help colleagues do their jobs. I get home and I'm tired, sweaty, and sometimes don't have the energy to make a cup of tea.

However: my life is actually pretty awesome, because my job gives me the money, time and ability to entertain my passions, explore the cool place I'm living, play games about the difference between "will" and "would" with CEOs and 7-year-olds, and put a bit away to save for the future. Not a lot, but a start. And I've got five digits of college debt, which thanks to the Department of Education's Income-Based Repayment Plan, is a lot less painful than it could be - luckily (or not?) I don't make enough to have to pay anything at all right now. Do I have friends who make, literally, twenty times what I do? Yes. But we're still friends - they do what they love, I do what I (now know I) love, and it just works. That's adulthood.

So work ≠ a cube, a 9-5, boredom, "the Man", drudgery, homogeneity, drama about people cleaning out the fridge every Friday, or any of the other bullshit out there. There are way more options than "cube" or "live with mom".

To me, "work" is this thing I do, which is interesting and challenging on its own, that lets me pursue what I'm really after - spicy plates of olives in Marrakesh, trips home to attend the weddings of family and friends, and eventually, dual citizenship, graduate school, a husband, kids...life.

Work and my future are inseparably linked, but none of those goals are necessarily actionable right now, and...that's OK. I have my whole life ahead of me, and so do you.
posted by mdonley at 11:57 AM on August 6

Hey, how's this for feeling better - I got out of school with more than 10x as much debt as you and couldn't even be considered for shitty jobs because I was too overqualified. It took over a year of looking and a long stint of temping before I finally found a job, and yes, it was soul-killingly miserable when I was sitting around the house contemplating my joblessness.

If most of that $5,500 that's holding you down is college debt, you have options (even with private lenders) to delay/reduce repayment, so try not to let that be a huge psychological burden - that amount of student debt is manageable, even in this economy. If it's credit card debt, your options are more limited, but a little bit of time on Google will show you all kinds of tips and resources for keeping that debt from becoming a burden.

Take the pavement-pounding advice from other posters, and get a shitty job downtown while you figure out whether grade forgiveness is an option, or if you want to teach English overseas, or if you want to join Americorps. I know it sucks. Believe me, I know it sucks. But every shift at Starbucks is a few hours in which you're out of the house, in which your mother can't nag you about finding a job, and in which you'll periodically get at least a bit of distraction from feeling so lousy, even if its a few minutes of mocking your awful customers with your disaffected coworkers. My experience is that nothing hones a job search like having a shitty job to get out of and a limited number of hours a day in which to apply for jobs or school and figure out what you're doing next. It's just for a few months while you sort yourself out, but do anything that will get you out of the house.

If your mother has medical insurance and you're still covered under it, please see a doctor. Some of the angst you're feeling could be largely associated with your age and current situation - I was introverted, neurotic, depressed and frequently looking for work as a young adult too, and it got better - but if you've got the means, see someone who can help you determine whether there's a physical or psychological problem that needs addressing. And look around for someone older you can confide in - family, a friend, a former teacher you liked, someone from church (if you go). The transitional stages of life are better negotiated with someone around you can talk to face to face.
posted by EvaDestruction at 12:20 PM on August 6

Joining the military is a retarded idea. It appears you already know this. Mostly I feel the need to say this to everyone who suggested it. WTF where does this idea even come from?!

What do you mean, where does the idea come from? Joining the military has opened doors professionally, educationally, and socially for young people for decades, why is that a "retarded" plan?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:37 PM on August 6 [2 favorites]

What do you mean, where does the idea come from? Joining the military has opened doors professionally, educationally, and socially for young people for decades, why is that a "retarded" plan?

Well, there's a war on. Two, really. Joining the military during wartime has quite a few more consequences than professional, educational, and social growth, including (but not limited to) psychological damage. For someone who already seems to be suffering from depression, does it make a lot of sense to volunteer to kill people? Just think about it a second.
posted by sonic meat machine at 2:46 PM on August 6

Sonic, that's why I recommended the Air Force. Most enlisted jobs are what I would term as low risk.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:18 PM on August 6

You mentioned you had considered volunteering, but did not have a car. There are volunteer opportunities that will allow you to get out of your town, one of your biggest concerns, that won't require a car. Look for the ones that will give you room & board, typically a small stipend (say, $25 to $100 week, not much but remember most of your paychecks typically go for rent and utilities and food which is covered by the room & board), and many times, health insurance.

One that I can recommend is Catholic Worker (catholicworker.org). They have a lot of places all over the U.S. that help the homeless as well as farms, one in London too. I'm not promoting a religious idea here, so don't get me wrong. CW is not so much about religion, it's more of a political thing, and lots of the volunteers are not Catholic. It's just an example, anyway.

I'd search for volunteer opportunities on the internet.

Also, you can try applying for jobs in other cities. Keep in mind you'd either need to have some money saved up for rent/deposit or choose places with hostels or know someone there to stay with.

____________________

It was nice to learn about Mechanical Turk. I'd never heard of it. It's interesting. Not a lot of money to be made there, but it's a bit fun and a little money is better than nothing at all.

netbros, I like the 6 principles of Dr. Wayne Dyer.

desjardins, I loved reading your inspirational story.
posted by VC Drake at 4:36 PM on August 16