I did a bad thing, and cannot seem to get over it.

August 4, 2009 6:31 AM

I did a bad thing this weekend. Everybody I hurt has been apologized to and has forgiven me, but I'm having a hell of a time forgiving myself.

So, I did something completely out-of-character and unexpected this weekend. I accidentally drank too much one night, and, after my family was asleep, I walked next door and hit on my neighbor, an older, single woman. The "hitting on" consisted of about five minutes of me rubbing her back and her hair and hugging. I vaguely remember she kissed me on the cheek (she was pretty drunk too, and usually is). I then went home and fell asleep. Nothing else happened.

A couple of things: First, I have ABSOLUTELY no feelings for this woman, nor for any woman other than my wife. I actually find this woman rather repellent, and I'm not sure I realized who I was sitting next to. Second, the context makes no sense - we had been in the middle of an amazing family weekend, and the timing of my drunk self doing this is just damned weird.

I woke up early the next morning thinking "Oh god, please let that be a dream," but I knew it wasn't. As soon as there was an appropriate time, I confessed it to my wife, who broke down in tears and was a wreck for most of the morning. She told me it felt like I had cheated on her, that I had taken that first step. (I don't disagree with her; I would be shattered if she had done the same thing to me.) As the day rolled along, she came out of her anger, and truly forgave me.

I also apologized to my neighbor, who laughed it off. ("Oh, honey, you were drunk, that wasn't you," that kind of thing.)

All the alcohol is out of the house, and it's not coming back, also.

So things are reasonably back to normal at home, but damned if I can't stop thinking about it and hating on myself. In twenty years of marriage, I've never done anything remotely like this. I am normally a very happy person, our marriage is great, I do not have a wandering eye.

Right now I'm pissed off and I hate myself and have a constant stomach ache. So I'm looking for any sort of advice or perspective or whatever. I assume this is the kind of thing that will only go away with time?

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 comments total)

You've done exactly the right thing given the circumstances. Time will do the rest. Most people reading that will probably be wondering if they could be as honest in your shoes.

Your wife may want to discuss this further, or she may want to never speak about it again. Respect that wish. Staying away from alcohol for good (except maybe an occasional drink with your wife on special occasions) will help reassure her that you're serious about your regret.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 6:44 AM on August 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

YMMV, but I have INSANE guilt feelings after I have drank too much - I obsess over every little thing I've done that was embarrassing, stupid, mean or dumb, whether it took place while I was drunk or when I was 10. I think that part of the guilt will go away within a couple of days, if you try to stay healthy and busy.

Not that I am saying ignore it or pretend nothing happened. But you apologized to those involved, who understood and forgave you. Just don't forget what happened, try to learn from it instead. Maybe try to heal you and your wife a bit by doing something really kind and loving and special for her, to show her that you really care - the emotional closeness may make you both feel better!

I think you will feel less awful sooner than you think.
posted by bunnycup at 6:53 AM on August 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

You did something far out of character when you were drunk. This is not particularly uncommon. Your wife understands this is not something you are actually interested in doing, your neighbor understands that this is not your normal behavior.

You're doing the right thing here. You are keeping the alcohol out of your house. I'm not sure how often you drank in the past, although it sounds as if it wasn't a very common thing in the first place. Most likely, you simply do not handle alcohol well at all. It's a perfectly common mistake, and you came out causing a lot less damage than many people do when going "out of control."

It's fine that you kicked yourself for a bit, so you don't let this happen again. It's time to stop now. You know what happened, you've taken steps to ensure it won't happen again. The longer you let it bother you at this point, the more damage you are doing.

If you feel frustrated, take it out productively. Is there any sort of work around the home that your wife has wanted you to do for some time, or something she typically does but isn't fond of? Spend some time on that. You'll feel better having done it, so everybody wins there.

If you want some more embarrassing stories for perspective, feel free to MeFi mail or e-mail with a throwaway account.
posted by Saydur at 6:54 AM on August 4

Yeah, considering how unbearable self-loathingly stupid I feel the next day about e.g. talking too loud when drunk, I can only guess I'd be near suicidal if I did something like that. It's like an emotional hangover thing. Give it some time.
posted by molybdenumblue at 7:06 AM on August 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

It seems like it always takes longer to forgive yourself. May you find peace.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:20 AM on August 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, I'd like to second what bunnycup said. I do some stupid shit when I'm drunk sometimes, but I also have feelings of guilt vastly out of proportion to the magnitude of the shit. I think it's more the feeling of breaking with my normal self that causes guilt rather than the acts themselves. That being said, being married and hitting on your neighbor isn't the smoothest of moves, but if your wife forgave you, what else are you gonna do? This will just have to be one of those things that you'll think about less and less as time goes on, though each time you do think of it out of the blue you'll grit your teeth in mortification and ponder stabbing yourself. I have a large collection of these memories, myself.
posted by creasy boy at 7:43 AM on August 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Honestly? Just don't drink any more. This time it was a (somewhat) mild out-of-character moment, next time it could be worse. Consider yourself lucky, put it behind you, and give up the bottle.
posted by aleahey at 7:50 AM on August 4

In twenty years of marriage, I've never done anything remotely like this. I am normally a very happy person, our marriage is great, I do not have a wandering eye.

Give yourself a break. People do stupid things, especially when they are drunk. Monumentally stupid things. Things like getting into a car and accidentally mowing down children. Happens every day. So try to look at it this way: in the grand scheme of things, cozying up to your neighbor is actually not the worst and most heinous thing in the world.
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:05 AM on August 4 [3 favorites has favorites]

Don't be too hard on yourself. You know, you may not have been hitting on this woman at all, you might just have been full of ridiculous drunken bonhomie and wanting to carry on the party - especially if this isn't something you do often. The neighbour's response to the confession seems entirely apt, and quite sweet really. Happy drunks often hug each other out of a sense of (albeit chemically enhanced) connection. Yes, it's not a good idea to go doing this with strangers but it doesn't seem like any major line was crossed in the act itself - obviously the the moral implications of the circumstances are for you and your wife to decide, but you seem to have sorted that out between you.

Anyway, good stuff has resulted - you realised you might get a little boundary-blind when drunk and you've fessed up and taken measures to not do it again. The sense of shame will fade, you'll be fine!
posted by freya_lamb at 8:19 AM on August 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

You've handled this as well as you could have, so take solace in that.

After twenty years of marriage, no matter how well it has gone, it's normal to wonder a little if the grass is greener somewhere else. From what I've heard, drinking can make this worse.

If these feelings, and acting on them, make you remorseful to the point where it outweighs the benefits of drinking (and it seems in this case, they do) then quit drinking if you feel you can't control your impulses.

Bottom line, don't beat yourself up too much here.
posted by elder18 at 8:29 AM on August 4

I am a person who generally gets over things very quickly. That said, the only the things I REFUSE to talk about because I am so deeply ashamed are the nights I got so drunk that I literally became someone else. Guilt and shame are what separate you from animals, they give your morality a solid core.

This will probably never be a fun memory, but embrace the shame, know that you made a mistake and bookmark the next time someone plops an extra shot in front of you.
posted by GilloD at 8:30 AM on August 4

So you owned up to it immediately, talked it over with the neighbour in question, and got rid of all the booze in the house? Sounds like you're already on the right track!

Please don't beat yourself up over this - if I had a dollar for every stupid drunk thing I've done, well, I'd have a lot of dollars.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:35 AM on August 4

molybdenumblue: It's like an emotional hangover thing.

This. It takes longer to clear than the booze. Talking about it will help, because talking about shame does that. It becomes less humiliating if you air it and talk about it.

FWIW, I have tremendous admiration for you, both for immediately telling your wife and for apologizing to your neighbour. Any number of people would have put their house on the market the next day because they were totally unable to face their actions.

And I'm not even making that up. Good for you.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:36 AM on August 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think you owe your wife a vow to never drink again - it's amazing how many bad things happen in life because of alcohol.
posted by TorontoSandy at 9:11 AM on August 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

Right now I'm pissed off and I hate myself and have a constant stomach ache.

I do that kinda thing when I'm trying to avoid thinking about something real.
Because the real issue here is what the fuck you were thinking, right?
How can you forgive yourself if you haven't even figured out what you did? (As in the thoughts that played their part in this.)

I've got no idea what it might've been. Sorry :) Just saying this will all go away once you suck it up and take a peek under this diversion to see what's actually weighing on your mind.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 9:12 AM on August 4

Your conscience is making up for everyone else letting you off the hook.

Revel in your guilt.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:44 AM on August 4 [6 favorites has favorites]

Wow, what a great story! You are living the rock star lifestyle, as my wife (the criminal defense attorney) would say.

The first casualty of alcohol is judgment. The second is the 'off switch' for drinking. Bad combo. This will be the case for the rest of your life. If you want it to stop, the only reliable method is to quit drinking for good.

If you don't, you will discover yourself in similar circumstances in the future. Honestly, you have no idea where you can wind up. Is that a risk you are willing to take?

Here are some possibilities:

You kill someone with your car.
You get some evil disease on your penis and give it to your wife.
Your ugly neighbor gets pregnant.
The cops shoot you.
Rednecks beat you up.
You cut your hand off with a band saw.
All of the above.


Considering these can be demotivating when it comes to drink, but even they do not always reliably discourage.

FWIW, I am with you. Life sucks. It's more fun to misbehave than behave. Sadly, it's a lot less save.

Good luck, rock star. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have lapses in judgment. It's a struggle to be good all the time. You're not a bad man, a bad husband, or a bad neighbor. You're a good guy who had a bad night.
posted by FauxScot at 10:58 AM on August 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

In vino veritas, so I'm not letting you off the hook. You lucked out with a wife like that. I couldn't/wouldn't write it off so quickly.
posted by bunny hugger at 10:58 AM on August 4 [3 favorites has favorites]

save=safe! (jeez....)
posted by FauxScot at 10:59 AM on August 4

This guilt will wear off. Most everybody I've ever known has had one of those 'drunken brain' incidents, so you're not alone there. Many times, though, they can result in either a broken relationship or a stay in the hospital, so to my mind you got off easy. If your wife's reaction is any indication, she feels secure enough in your relationship to brush off something like this (you lucky man), and she's really the only person who's feelings you need to worry about anyway. Let yourself sizzle in this guilt for a little while, just to drive the point home to your lizard brain, then chalk it up to a drunken mistake and move on.

Big ups to you for being so up-front with your wife, too. That took nuts.
posted by Pecinpah at 11:16 AM on August 4

Your wife is smart and knows you well, she forgave you, you should do the same thing..
posted by kathrineg at 12:31 PM on August 4

I was at a party once where my husband's friend's fiance was drunk out of her mind and went around kissing all the men, including my Husband. It happens.... It's not a big deal especially if you apologized to your wife.
posted by bananafish at 12:46 PM on August 4

The mature way you have responded to the situation, by admitting what happened to your wife and apologizing to your neighbor, says much more about you than what happened when you were drunk.

Remind your wife (and yourself) what a wonderful, accepting woman she is, be grateful for it, and let yourself off the hook.
posted by misha at 2:43 PM on August 4

Feeling guilty is your consciousness telling you that you fucked up.

You're a good person for owning up to your mistake, apologizing for it and for taking the steps to correct the mistake.

Eventually the guilt will ease as it should.
posted by deborah at 10:26 PM on August 4

Guilt is a stupid emotion. Realize you fucked up, why thats bad, and move on. But don't feel guilty about doing something after you did it cause the only thing it will do is fuck you up emotionally.
To be honest out of all my college experience its thats the one piece of advice I'd keep above all else...

The fact is that, if you are a reasonably well constituted individual, you know right from wrong, good from bad and sensible from stupid. If you feel like you shouldn't be doing something, you probably shouldn't - and guilt (read: your internalized external judge) should really have nothing to do with it, before the fact or after. Once you've figured out who it is that is judging you and why you feel that they are judging you, you can move past self-stigmatization and enter into an authentic relationship with the situation at hand.
posted by Redmond Cooper at 11:10 PM on August 4

After 20 years of marriage, the worst you've strayed was five minutes of back rubbing and hugging, and maybe a kiss on the cheek? You're a saint! Seriously, I bet very few people in your situation have been that faithful. Pat yourself on the back, don't beat yourself up about it.
posted by mahamandarava at 4:05 PM on August 6