I've made a huge mistake.

August 3, 2009 1:36 PM

How do I stop feeling so guilty? I can't think about anything else, it is consuming me completely.

I made a mistake and did not take responsibility for it. Now I'm making myself sick over it, not just that I'm going to be 'found out' (there is an investigation by my boss over what happened), but plain old guilt for what I did, and what I didn't do (be honest about it).

It feels too late to own up to my mistake now, and if I did, I might just lose my job. I'm sure they can't prove I did what I did (it was an accident and there is no concrete evidence), but I can't stop worrying and hating myself.

Do I suck it up and do the right thing? Or...how do I just distract myself so I can stop thinking about it for at least 5 seconds?

posted by anonymous to human relations (35 comments total)

It would be much easier to give you advice if you got in touch with one of the mods and let them post details of what it is you've actually done.

Going on almost no information, I'd say that there's no way to get rid of the guilt without clearing your conscience and confessing what happened. If you let it fester, you may very well not want to stay at your job, anyway.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:39 PM on August 3

Well, I think it's important to remember that there are two types of guilt, the good kind and the bad kind. The bad kind of guilt is when you feel bad because you make a small mistake and then obsess over it and it makes you miserable, but the good kind is when you are actually feeling guilty because you did something that needs owning up to. When I call that good, even if it sounds negative, it's because that type of guilt is a message from your subconscious that alerts you to behavior that is out of character. I believe that to be a truly happy person one has to behave in accordance with one's core beliefs at all times.

So, the question is, do you value your job or your integrity?
posted by wild like kudzu at 1:44 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

It's going to be much, much worse for your career if you're found out during an official investigation than if you confess of your own volition. There's a reason you feel guilty and a difficult but surefire way to alleviate that guilt. You know what to do.
posted by balls at 1:44 PM on August 3 [2 favorites]

What will happen if your boss finds out that you did it because of the investigation rather than by you telling?

I'll bet if the mistake was bad enough for you to lose your job now, you'd lose your job anyway when the boss finds out. So I say own up to it and do the right thing. You already know it's the right thing to do.

But please keep in mind that this advice is given without any knowledge at all about what you did.
posted by theichibun at 1:45 PM on August 3

Well, I think it's important to remember that there are two types of guilt, the good kind and the bad kind. The bad kind of guilt is when you feel bad because you make a small mistake and then obsess over it and it makes you miserable, but the good kind is when you are actually feeling guilty because you did something that needs owning up to. When I call that good, even if it sounds negative, it's because that type of guilt is a message from your subconscious that alerts you to behavior that is out of character. I believe that to be a truly happy person one has to behave in accordance with one's core beliefs at all times.

So, the question is, do you value your job or your integrity?

In the Christian faith, this is the difference between guilt (prompted by Satan and destructive) and conviction (prompted by the Holy Spirit and constructive). The latter offers you the opportunity to heal through rectifying the situation. You will still have to face the consequences for what you did, but you avoid the deeper issues that arise when you further do wrong by trying to bury your indiscretion (which you are now experiencing).

In short, 'fess up. You'll be better for it.
posted by litterateur at 1:57 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

At the risk of coming off like a sociopath, did anyone die? Suddenly paralyzed from the neck down?

How about lose an eyeball? Finger?

Careers wrecked? Pensions gone down in flames? Did anyone lose a job? Have naked photos published? Cherished pets incinerated? Graves desecrated? Favorite cars taken out for a spin and destroyed?

Was a significant (ten times that of what the upper administration blows on lunch) amount of money lost?

Or has someone important simply gone into a panic and you've gone into a panic with them, and nobody will remember the incident a month from now? It's difficult to tell from what you have written.
posted by adipocere at 2:06 PM on August 3 [25 favorites]

I wish you would have given more information, like how long ago it was, what the consequences of the mistake were, etc. It's very hard to judge whether you should come clean or not. Like if you dropped a hammer down an air shaft and killed someone, yeah, come clean; if you didn't file those TPS reports with the correct cover, then no, just keep your mouth shut. I have a feeling it is somewhere in between, which makes it a maybe/maybe not.
posted by milarepa at 2:08 PM on August 3

Own up to your mistake. You might benefit short term but it will get you in the end. It always does.

Karma is something you want on your side.
posted by Gravitus at 2:10 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

It sounds like there's a very good chance you will be discovered. In that case, I recommend this:
Boss, got a minute? Closes door.

I have to tell you that I'm the one who left the window open so that rain destroyed the copier/ monkeys stole all the laptops/ the carpet got wet. I got so upset over screwing up and I didn't know how to tell you. I'm sorry I screwed up.

now you have to wait for boss to reply.

Worst case? Boss yells, makes you cry, and fires you. Negotiate for unemployment, learn and move on.

Best case? Boss says "Well, geez, you shoulda said something." In this scenario, you will have to re-earn trust, but you can do this. Either scenario is preferable to gnawing guilt, and way more preerable than being found out.

Everybody screws up some of the time. The best you can do is learn from it. Boss isn't going to carve out your liver with an xacto knife, or kill your family. It's a job. Don't let it steal your soul.
posted by theora55 at 2:22 PM on August 3 [10 favorites]

Definitely worth owning up to the mistake and dealing with the consequences. Do it sooner rather than later so it doesn't seem like you're trying to cover it up.
posted by ZackTM at 2:23 PM on August 3

I'm with adipocere. The answers in this thread seem largely to be motivated by an instinctive impulse to moralize, which is always easier when you're telling someone else what to do. As long as none of the consequences of your actions are themselves against your moral code, just keep quiet about it (or confess it to a friend outside the job). If you not confessing is going to get someone else in trouble (or fired), then that's a completely different story.
posted by nasreddin at 3:00 PM on August 3 [4 favorites]

Think about it this way: if you get fired over this, then, instead of making money and supporting your family (if any), you will instead be dependent on resources from other people--whether those be your parents or government assistance or whatever. Those resources could have benefited someone else instead. Given that it's in effect a zero sum game, how do you think your feeling of guilt balances out with the needs of the people in the system?
posted by nasreddin at 3:05 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

Disclaimer: I always own up to mistakes at work, even when I could cover them up and probably not ever be found out. I'm kind of mental that way, in fact.

When I've caused a problem at work, I try to fix it immediately and then let my boss know both that I caused a problem and it's fixed now. Everyone makes mistakes and it is SO MUCH BETTER to be the employee who apologizes, takes responsibility and tries to improve than to be the one who's all "what? who? me?" and lets the boss get caught up short when the mistake is discovered by someone else. I work with some vendors and co-workers who never take responsibility for screwing up and it sucks. It's usually pretty obvious who screwed something up and when people don't own up to their mistakes, you never get the feeling that they're taking real responsibility or have any interest in not continuing to make the same mistake.

Without knowing the details (and please do get a mod to post them because they make all the difference in the advice you'll get), it sounds like your boss got some heat from someone (maybe a customer, maybe another department in your company, maybe his or her own boss) and now has to provide some answers to the heat-giver. Your boss may not be able to get air-tight, concrete proof that it was you, but a lot of times investigations turn up enough circumstantial evidence to make it pretty obvious who screwed up. At that point, your boss is probably going to be pretty pissed that s/he wasted a bunch of time and resources investigating this because you lied.

In your situation, I'd ask to speak to my boss privately, confess to having made the initial mistake, explain the reason I didn't own up to the problem in the first place, apologize and then offer a solution (if there is one) or a way to mitigate the damage. But again, it really does all depend on the details of your situation.
posted by Maisie at 3:07 PM on August 3 [2 favorites]

Time will take care of your guilt. It sounds like you made a professional mistake, rather than a criminal or personal one. Unless you've endangered someone else's saftety or career, the obvious priority should be to keep your job.

Karma doesn't exist. Think about the problem logically:

-What are the consequences of confessing your mistake now?
-What are the chances of the investigation discovering you?

If you think you'll be fired even if you admit it now, your best option is to shut up and hope the investigation fails. If it finds you out, you've lost the job and the reference anyway. Being fired is something you're not going to put on your resume, or want future employers to know about, whether it was before or after an investigation.

If you think you'd be given a second chance now, but would be fired if discovered by an investigation, then your best bet is to come up with a good spin and admit it right now. That is unless you think there's only a minute chance the investigation will catch you. But I wouldn't count on that.

Read adipocere's post and think if that could possibly apply to you.
posted by spaltavian at 3:16 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

Confess and make amends. The alternatives are worse.
posted by Billegible at 3:48 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

I would ask myself if confessing at this point would do anyone benefit other than assuaging your own guilt. If not, do not confess. If it will benefit someone like a falsely accused, then 'fess up. I would also start to look for a new job. Lastly, learn your lesson and admit your mistakes as soon as they occur.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:56 PM on August 3

I need more data before I can comment on whether you need to fess up, but if the question is how do you make your mind stop feeling the pain of guilt, I suggest you try to convince your mind that you've learned a valuable lesson and will not repeat the mistake. There's also always atonement; I bet you'd feel better by somehow atoning for your mistake in a proportionate manner, even if you can't atone in a directly relevant way. I.e. Even if you left the window open ruining the copier, you may still feel better if you volunteer at with disadvantaged you/donate $$ to environmental causes/etc. in some manner/amt that to you feels commensurate with the damage done by forgetting to close the window.
posted by semacd at 4:29 PM on August 3

What if, after the investigation is over, a completely blameless party is wrongly made responsible?

THIS is the worst case scenario; not you losing your job.

Come clean with your boss. He/She will only become more annoyed and distrustful of everybody who works for him/her the longer it takes to clear up the mystery. Accept the fallout, which may be nowhere near as bad as you are imagining it will be. That's what grownups do.
posted by contessa at 4:33 PM on August 3 [3 favorites]

I have never seen the consequences of confession turn out worse than the consequences of a failed coverup. And they all fail, eventually.

It feels too late to own up to my mistake now

That's actually to your advantage, since the consequences of whatever it was have had more time to settle into everybody's view of reality.

Make a time for a private meeting with the boss, and go full disclosure. "Boss, there's something that's been bothering me for weeks. I've been shit scared to come and talk to you about it, because I feared losing my job, but I just can't live with myself if I let this slide. That thing where we suddenly needed to get all those lawyers in? That was my fault. I'm really sorry about it, and I won't let it happen again."

That said: pick your time. Don't drop this on the boss while he's feeling extra stressed by something else.
posted by flabdablet at 4:45 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

I think previous posters have had a lot of good comments about the situation, in both directions.

However, I wanted to say that I was in a similar (though less dire -- there wasn't a full-scale investigation or anything; my boss was just angry) situation years ago, in my first job. I got away with my mistake by the skin of my teeth, but it colored the rest of my tenure there, at least in my own mind.

As a consequence, I have made it my policy to never put myself in that situation again because it is horrifyingly unpleasant. If I think something is going to go wrong before it happens, I send out an email and let everyone involved know. If something goes wrong that I can't anticipate, I send out an email with (a) what went wrong, and (b) what I have done or will do to mitigate the problem. (It also helps that my subsequent managers have been people I could trust more than I could the my first boss.) If I am unsure about how something should be done, or what the policy is, I clarify it.

So, regardless of which path you take here, I would suggest that you remember how distressed you are right now, so that you can get ahead of the situation next time.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 4:56 PM on August 3

My mom always says, "nothing that only involves money is a tragedy."

Hard to believe when I was a college student staring down a $400 phone bill, or a new homeowner with a giant plumbing repair needed, but thinking that no one had died or been maimed helped so, so, much to put things in perspective. Still does.
posted by GaelFC at 4:57 PM on August 3 [5 favorites]

nasreddin: "I'm with adipocere. The answers in this thread seem largely to be motivated by an instinctive impulse to moralize, which is always easier when you're telling someone else what to do. As long as none of the consequences of your actions are themselves against your moral code, just keep quiet about it (or confess it to a friend outside the job). If you not confessing is going to get someone else in trouble (or fired), then that's a completely different story."

The OP stated that he/she is feeling guilty so by admission it is already laid out that the deed has gone against the OP's moral code at the minimum. If the OP didn't think it was an issue this thread would have never been posted.

The consequences of not saying anything could be more difficult to deal with than remaining silent. Not saying it will happen, but it could. I would get highly pissed if an employee did something and then tried to cover the whole thing up. Action A from an employee doesn't necessarily mean I will perform Action B, but lying or hiding the facts from me will most certainly bring about Action B (Someones ass getting fired).
posted by Gravitus at 5:36 PM on August 3

Being anonymous isn't so very important that I can't just spill the details. I work in an adult group home, have for a few years. Previous to this job I volunteered with the Special Olympics.

Yesterday while cleaning up a one of my girls' peri-area, I accidently pushed too hard against what I thought was a lump of BM...it turned out to be her skin. She tore and we brought her to the hospital. I didn't fess up when I should have, and they immediately suspected someone abused her. She has a small cut near her vagina.

I decided it was important that nobody be implicated for a crime when it was my mistake, and came forward. My boss is very supportive, knows me well and knows I would never intentionally hurt a spider, much less a human being. The police disagree, and I'm currently under investigation.

I spent the last 3 hours in an interview room trying to explain that I would never ever lose my patience and harm anyone, but...there is no proof. I'm suspended from my job and the police think I'm some kind of monster retarded-person beater/molester.

Confessing to my accident alleviated the guilt, true. But I almost wish I hadn't.
posted by Syllables at 6:13 PM on August 3 [2 favorites]

I wish you'd be more specific, as requested above...there are worse things than guilt. It's just so very difficult to make some blanket assertion here. I guess if it's 'major' to you then you have to confess, and maybe yr 'kids go hungry' cause you have no income as a result of that...can we please have some general idea as to yr crime and it's potential consequences?
Our imaginations are running wild here...
posted by dawson at 6:19 PM on August 3

sorry, non-preview and all...
posted by dawson at 6:20 PM on August 3

Yikes. :( I'm so sorry. This is different than the types of trouble I get into from time to time at work, but I still think you did the right thing by coming forward. In this instance, where an actual person was harmed, I think you did the right thing by coming forward. There's a risk that you'll be railroaded, but I'd still like to think that if you're completely honest and you've built up a reputation as a good care-giver, you'll be okay.
posted by Maisie at 6:27 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

If it was an accident, what do you have to feel guilty about?

Everyone has accidents.

What will be improved if you get fired for this one? Nothing.
posted by kathrineg at 6:30 PM on August 3

For what it's worth, the police don't know you and they don't get to tell you who you are. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
posted by kathrineg at 6:34 PM on August 3

Syllables, I hope everything works out. It's not the decision I would have made, but it certainly wasn't easy to do. Good luck.

What will be improved if you get fired for this one? Nothing.
Sorry, but that's not how these things work. That one deserves compassion is no guarantee that one will get it. That's why the "you must confess now, it's always, always better!" crowd is wrong. The grade school common sense of "always tell the truth" is not always matched in the real world by the grade school common sense of "honest mistakes are forgiven". Is it better to be under investigation by the police?
posted by spaltavian at 6:51 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

We're tiptoeing around the unfortunate fact that in some scenarios confessing a mistake can read too much like admitting guilt. I hope the OP can get this sorted out.
posted by zadcat at 6:59 PM on August 3

With respect to adipocere's post, that was incident type 2.
posted by BigSky at 7:41 PM on August 3

Yikes. I'm so sorry that this happened, and I hope your client will be OK.

You know you did nothing wrong. Your boss knows you did nothing wrong. The police will figure it out.

Remember, it's a strategy by the police to make you think that they believe you to be guilty. It's a strategy that works really, really well to get actually-guilty people off their guards, which is why they do it. Stick to the truth and do your best to stay calm--it's by far the best strategy for both the investigation and for your own peace of mind.

I would also suggest that you talk with an attorney; I know it's expensive, but if you can possibly afford it, it could make a world of difference.

Best of luck to you, and my hope for your client's speedy recovery.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:04 PM on August 3

Karma doesn't exist. Think about the problem logically:

Glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Don't think in terms of karma, and that if you do the right thing, you'll be rewarded for it down the road. Do it because it's the right thing. And if you choose not to, be prepared to live with whatever direct consequences may result from it (and I don't mean someone stealing your iPhone or your dog running away).

Like others have said, it's really easy for us to say you should confess, but it's very understandable if you're too afraid to do that (especially to those of us who are particularly prone to mental lapses).

I suppose you could ask a co-worker you trust (or a friend/colleague who would understand the specifics of your situation) if it's not the sort of thing where they'd get in trouble for knowing but not telling. And make it clear you won't hold them liable for whatever advice they give. A lot of factors would go into whether this is a viable option.

But if this investigation will ultimately involve you being questioned about it, you'll have to confess, because lying to their face about something you later get exposed for would be, well, not good.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 10:39 PM on August 3

What will be improved if you get fired for this one? Nothing.

Sorry, but that's not how these things work. That one deserves compassion is no guarantee that one will get it. That's why the "you must confess now, it's always, always better!" crowd is wrong. The grade school common sense of "always tell the truth" is not always matched in the real world by the grade school common sense of "honest mistakes are forgiven". Is it better to be under investigation by the police?

I think you are misreading me, we seem to agree that honesty is not always the best policy. My statement was meant to convey that, given the situation in the original post, honesty could get the OP fired. The OP being fired would benefit no one.
posted by kathrineg at 9:22 AM on August 4

I decided it was important that nobody be implicated for a crime when it was my mistake, and came forward.

Your coming forward is very unlike a criminal/molester/abuser, so I think that once the D.A. reviews this case they're going to say, "We've got nothing on this person."
posted by jayder at 8:22 PM on August 5