I've spent the past 7 years doing nothing

August 3, 2009 6:16 AM

I spent my teens and early twenties struggling with undiagnosed social anxiety and depression which I dealt with by shutting myself off from the world and avoiding anything anxiety provoking (school work, social life, jobs, dating). I basically spent 7 years doing nothing but watching TV and reading stuff on the internet. I'm getting treatment for depression and my social anxiety has improved alot but I still spend most of my time doing nothing. I managed to get into a decent university (at the age of 21) but I just barely passed the first year and I almost had to drop out due to depression. I have no close relationships outside of my family and I've never had a girlfriend. How can I get my life back on track after missing so much?
posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

I went through a lot of the same problems that you did my first year of college. Mine was more on the "people are laughing at me behind my back" type anxiety. I couldn't pay attention in class because of this. It was terrible. I would drink a lot at parties, at clubs, at home, by myself to combat this. This became a vicious cycle for me and led to mild depression. What finally snapped me out of it was the will to rid myself of it. I got fed up thinking that people were always talking about me and told myself "No one is saying anything about me and if they are who really cares!" I then went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressants. I quit drinking and started exercising more. My grades went from a 2.5 gpa to a 3.5 gpa in one semester. After about 6 months I could look back and think wow I actually thought that people who never met me would say things about me. It seems silly now but back then it was real. Sorry for rambling but you need to do the same. In order to kick this depression in the butt you need to be the driving force. Quit taking/doing anything other than your meds. Give them time to re-balance everything in your melon. In the meantime start taking steps to overcome your social anxiety. For example instead of staying in your room and studying, find a quite place on campus where there are people around who are also studying. Get comfortable being around them. Another example would be instead of sitting on the computer in your room go to a public computer lab and surf the web there. Just get use to the water so to speak. The first step will be the hardest but every one after wards will get easier and easier. You should then look into clubs. One I got into was the anime club at my college. There was a group of nerds (ya me included) that I had a lot in common with. We would take over comp labs and play star craft after wards. Fun times.

As for a GF, my best advice is this; never look for someone because you feel incomplete. You need to be happy with yourself first. Once you are happy then you will find someone to share your happiness with. My advice is look for a woman (not a girl) who has a good heart. They exist, just don't look for them in the bottom of a bottle.

Lastly you need to realize that myself as well as others have been down that dark tunnel you are currently lost in. It is a deep and scary place. It can feel that there is no escape, but just put one foot in front of the other and start walking out of it. If you need guidance listen for our voices. Best of luck sir, believe in yourself and you'll be fine.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:56 AM on August 3 [2 favorites]

I've spent the past 7 years doing nothing

No, you haven't. At the very least you've spent a long time learning that if you aren't actively putting yourself out there and looking for friends, you'll never find them. And that it fucking sucks not to have friends.

I managed to get into a decent university (at the age of 21) but I just barely passed the first year and I almost had to drop out due to depression.

So why are you in school? I've found that school doesn't make depression any easier. You hear all the time how school is a wonderful place to meet people and bla bla bla. But it's filled with people who mostly haven't grown up yet and who have not yet begun to take full responsibility for their lives. I don't mean to indict anyone, but finding friends in that environment is harder than it seems. I know it was for me. So I dropped out. And it's been better ever since. YMMV.

Take time out of your day to find friends. Stick to it and do it. Just go for a walk and say hi to random passerby. Look people in the eyes out of curiosity, not aggression or fear. Keep trying. You've got nothing but your own disatisfaction to lose.
posted by symbollocks at 6:56 AM on August 3

Mastercheddar is right. Also, you are only 21, you haven't really missed out on too much - you have a lot to look forward to.
posted by molecicco at 7:04 AM on August 3 [1 favorite]

If someone here posts a really effective answer here I'd love to hear it, but I'd just like to echo a sentiment I heard in an answer to a different question here recently, which is that there is no wasted time. You spent your time the way you did, and other people spent their time the way they did. Could you have been more productive? Sure, who couldn't. But you spent your time the way you did, and surely there is something to be learned or gained from it. It may not be evident until you push yourself forward to a new situation.

Hopefully you weren't spending those seven years reading cracked.com? I've spent (embarassingly) long stretches of time staying up late reading Wikipedia articles night after night. Yeah, I could have been spending that semester learning some really good guitar songs, or actually, y'know, taking some classes, sure. But I've become aware of many different events, concepts, people and places that I'd simply never heard of before, and probably would not have since if not for Wikipedia. So to me that time is not a loss, even if what I was doing would never seem impressive to anyone, ever.

And you've never had a girlfriend? Well, you're not the only ~25 year old in that boat. My simplest advice here is to tell yourself that it's simply not that weird. Inculcate yourself with that knowledge, because it's true. There are many people out there with little to no experience with dating at your age. Most of them would probably lie or vaguely handwave before ever admitting it to anyone, so it might seem like you're the only one who's never had a gf at your age, but you're quite simply not. The step two here is, well, a little harder. You're (probably) going to have at least one mortifyingly embarrassing experience as you meet and date women. It's okay. It happened to me too. Fact is, whatever awkwardness that happens to you will probably not be nearly as embarrassing as you think it could be. You'll get over it, you'll laugh about it later, and you'll continue to date new people who have no idea that it ever happened.

One last thing, regardless of your performance and/or productivity in the last seven years, what you're describing here is normal for our age. I think many people, even those who you and I think have it a bit more together than us, wrestle with these anxieties; not being as social as we'd like, not being as accomplished as we'd like. I think, if anything, this shows that you're not that guy who just graduated high school and said, fuck it, I'm gonna sit back and sell pot out of my parents' garage. (Hi Randy!)

Also, last thing (I swear this time), I'd like to posit that the whole "you'll never have an easier time meeting people than in college" thing is bullshit. I certainly haven't found that to be the case. If it's not clicking for you, if you haven't found that you just fell right into a predesigned role that college has available for you (you know, like that guy who's kinda shy at the party but downs three beer bong hits in a row, or the guy who always has a frisbee in the quad, or any other college-situation-specific role that you could just happen upon and become) or you haven't just walked into class and wowed everyone with your affability and talents, that's okay. Cuz in the end you're there to get a degree, and you really are capable of it regardless of whether you have the whole "college" experience or not. Also, imagine how much easier it will be to be the cool person you want to be, who will be able to meet and make friends easier, when you don't have two papers and a problem set to complete by tomorrow.

Um, that was pretty rambly but that's the gist of it.
posted by malapropist at 7:15 AM on August 3 [7 favorites]

Possibly the best thing you could do, especially since the whole school environment isn't working out (didn't for me either!), is to get a job. preferably one where you're dealing with people every day. it's where i've met almost every friend i've had, and also where i met my husband. continue to go to school, it's almost 100% necessary in order to do well in the job spectrum later on in life (unless you're ok with minimum wage). take classes online- that way you don't have to deal with the school atmosphere. but seriously - find a job!
posted by assasinatdbeauty at 7:16 AM on August 3

This was me up until about age 24. Ten years later, I have a master's degree, a full time job, and a husband. I'm still an introvert, still spend a lot of time online, but I know that I can go out if I want to.

College is a great place to meet people. Don't pass this up; do whatever you can to work through your anxieties. Start small - step one could be looking everyone in the eye, step two could be smiling at everyone you pass. Become a regular at a coffee shop or a diner; bring your books/laptop and study. Don't wear headphones, those discourage people from talking to you. At first, just leave yourself open to the possibility of engaging with people. There's no pressure to actually do it; just be around people. Student unions and libraries are awesome for this. When you're more comfortable just hanging around people, then find some group that interests you, preferably something that revolves around an activity other than talking. I don't know, building robots or watching movies or playing chess.

If you're 21 and this has been going on for 7 years, there's nothing really to "get back on track." You were 14, not an adult. This is your chance to create an entire new life for yourself. Most people only dream of that. You can do this. It can be done, and I know this because I have done it. Best wishes to you.
posted by desjardins at 7:24 AM on August 3 [4 favorites]

You might be interested to read about hikikomori. In Japan a particular phenomenon of complete or near-complete social withdrawal, usually by young people, has been given this name and has become very widespread. The Japanese psychological community has been struggling to analyze it and many different therapies attempt to treat hikikomori, both clinical and popular approaches. Though unfortunately there seems to be a limited amount of information available in English.

MeFi posts on hikikomori.
posted by XMLicious at 7:52 AM on August 3

Take one step at a time. Focus on doing well in school, and the rest will come. The further along you get in school, the less the 7 year thing will loom large over your head. Its really not a big issue at all.

On preview, desjardins has it.
posted by aleahey at 8:34 AM on August 3

When you're trying to get your life back together, set attainable goals. Little milestones you can actually achieve. Not "graduate college" "get a job" "get a girlfriend" "make friends". Try to forget about big goals like that. I know it sounds cheesy but the way to proceed is one step at a time. If there is one thing the history of the world has shown it is that little things add up over time. And, time is the one thing there is no shortage of. the earth has been around for billions of years. patience, persistence, effort. Take that walk around the block, go get that coffee at starbucks. smile. you're doing fine.
posted by water bear at 8:46 AM on August 3

I went through exactly what you've gone through. I'm putting that in the past tense on purpose, because while we may not be entirely done with it, it does sound like we're definitely on the other side of it. One thing you'll notice (or may have already noticed when you were early 20's) is that there is a huge majority of people who are just at the beginning of a 5-6-10 year journey through anxiety, depression, and crazy behavior in a misguided attempt to quell it all. Some of them will end up in their 30's with an addiction problem, a series of destructive failed relationships, or some major emotional unravelling and sorting to do.

I'm not suggesting that you should compare yourself to others, but merely pointing out that you are not alone here. In some respects you are way ahead of the game. You have some good self-awareness, as well as motivation to take things in a positive direction. Besides, this is partly what your teens and 20s are about.

My advice would be to start small. Go to less interactive, but social events like Farmer's Markets, art shows, or conventions and gatherings that interest you. Try to talk to people...not in any meaningful way, just small talk. No expectations. As this gets dull and easy over time, step it up. Go to other venues that allow for more interaction. Try to have fun with it. It's all a big experiment and there's no wrong answer.

Also know that your close relationships with your family members have prepared you in ways you have yet to realize. And I bet you learned a lot about life, culture, and yourself sitting for 7 years. I'm serious. I know it probably wasn't the most productive use of your time, but most people don't take the time at all. You have a lot of experience to draw from, whether you realize it or not. You might want to consider starting there...finding a way to help others that are stuck in their heads or houses.
posted by iamkimiam at 10:12 AM on August 3 [2 favorites]

Look at social activity as something that you have to work at. Start looking for clubs you can attend. Then work at it (keep going to different ones, hoping to run into a friend.) You will be polishing your ability to talk to people you just met. I've spent a lot of time doing nothing, and find that social skills are just that: a skill you have to work on and practice in order to get better.
posted by beingresourceful at 12:13 PM on August 3

(I meant student groups/clubs, not night clubs.)
posted by beingresourceful at 12:13 PM on August 3

Nthing all the good advice above. One more thing: forget measuring youself against the ideal of living the perfect life as portrayed by school counsellors and the like. I've only known a few of people who said they did the great high school experience/great university experience/perfect job, partner, home, and kids. Not all were happy in middle age as they wondered what they had missed by not taking the scenic route or by forcing themselves into roles in which they felt uncomfortable/incomplete. Some of them got middle aged crazy and, in essence, ran away to join the circus. I'm not advocating chucking it all, just chucking the idea that there is a standard, accepted route to 'success' and, instead, accept yourself as you. Yes, you spent 7 years dealing with things; better now than later. It's OK not to want to be the life of the party. It's OK to be introverted. It's OK to be who you are. It's not OK when it hurts, though, and you're doing things to help yourself with that. I think you're doing very well, getting into university and sticking it out even though you were depressed. It will probably be somewhat painful the first dozen times you put yourself out there to meet people as it's never easy learning a new skill, with or without the social anxiety, but you'll get there. Nthing what Desjardins and Iamkimian said about small steps and where to take them.
posted by x46 at 3:44 PM on August 3 [1 favorite]

I have also gone through what you're going through, anonymous. In fact, this is one of the questions that I read in AskMeFi and thought "Wow, did I type that up in my sleep or something?"

I don't have much to contribute, anon, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
posted by saveyoursanity at 4:43 PM on September 20