I've read The Road Less Travelled, but where do I go from here?

August 3, 2009 4:16 AM

I've read The Road Less Travelled and it's had a profound effect on me. But where do I go from here?

The book has shown me a path forward, and given me a new way of looking at life and relationships. The book's made me identify within myself a strong desire for dependency within relationships, and I've realised that I am manipulative in trying to make others depend on me within a relationship.

I'm not happy with these two traits, but identifying the daemons isn't enough to make them disappear. I genuinely want to be liberated and loving (i.e. spiritually progressing) in my next relationship, but I still the feel the name dependency needs. This is natural, I know, but they still consume me in an unhealthy way. I often think the only reason I'm looking for a relationship is to fulfil the dependency need.

I've been researching codependency and narcissistic tendencies online, but neither match me completely, and I think are dead-ends. I come from a slightly dysfunctional family, I see in hindsight, but not one troubled by alcohol or other addictions. I definitely inherit all this from my father, however.

So where can I head now in my recovery process? The names of books, online communities, or even just good advice from those who have been through this will be welcome. I've tried seeing a counsellor but it's not been too helpful. Is there any way CBT could help me?

posted by humblepigeon to Religion & Philosophy (6 answers total)

I've tried seeing a counsellor but it's not been too helpful.

Why not? Not all therapists are the same. You could try someone else.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:52 AM on August 3, 2009

You might find it interesting to read the poem that was probably the origin of the name of that book, The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.
posted by XMLicious at 5:11 AM on August 3, 2009

A lot of the time, being able to recognize bad behavior patterns IS enough to get you on the track to changing them. It sounds like you're single now and afraid to try again, but if you understand the situations that'll trigger your dependency, it really will be much easier for you to objectively understand that you're doing something that will hurt your relationship (and, therefore, to avoid those behaviors).

In order to really, truly beat this, though, you probably will need to find a therapist you like. It might not even take very long, but these issues are something you probably need to explore through talking, and that's what therapists are for. Seriously, setting aside an hour a week to explore your family dynamic sound like it'd do you a world of good, in relationships and in your life in general. As far as I know, CBT is most helpful for anxiety disorders, so I'm not sure it would do anything for you. A LOT of people, way more than you'd realize, have the sort of relationship dependency problem that you describe, and talk therapy seems to be the most surefire way to beat it.
posted by oinopaponton at 6:36 AM on August 3, 2009

Take a step back and be really careful about labeling behavior as codependent. It's become a broad brush. You've identified behavior you want to change. Find a therapist who will help you make the changes you want to make (within reason).
posted by theora55 at 7:04 AM on August 3, 2009

Take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

I did the Scott Peck journey (A Different Drum changed me the most) earlier in my life and think I came out the other side a better person. But I did it via a small group development and leadership program. So our experiences won't exactly match up. I do recommend his other books to help you continue on your journey. (Also: Way of the Peaceful Warrior - the book, not the movie.)
posted by IndigoSkye at 8:15 PM on August 3, 2009

Best answer: Those who have read The Road Less Travelled, and have been affected by it, might also want to get If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! It's by Sheldon B Kopp and can be found on your local Amazon. It's in a similar style.

The "Eschatological Laundry List" Kopp supplies at the back of the book can be found online here and is a good place to figure out if you're going to like the book. Some of the points raised in the list almost had me in tears.
posted by humblepigeon at 11:39 AM on August 7, 2009