Fetish too far vis a vis my girlfriend.

August 2, 2009 2:12 PM

Fetishes and relationships: Help me find objective, balanced, third-party information for my girlfriend.

So, I've had a fetish since forever. It was a fascination even before puberty. It's a borderline "fetish too far" as Dan Savage might categorize it. As I've gotten older, I've learned how to talk about it in an open and honest way. I told my now girlfriend of six months about it on the first date, and explained that it was a fundamental part of my sexuality, and that it wasn't something I'd ever expect or pressure her to participate in. My fetish is an *aspect* of my sexuality--we have regular, amazing, mutually satisfying, mildly kinky sex--I have other outlets for my fetish.

She has become curious to learn more about my fetish. She's interested in talking to me about it, and we do, but it's an intense, multi-layered thing to talk about as it touches on sex, trust, intimacy, and the boundaries of our relationship. I've thought about it a *lot*, as it's something I've had to come to terms with in my life, and she feels a bit overwhelmed and not yet able to express her thoughts and feelings around the situation as well as she wants.

So, she's looking for outside information regarding fetishes and relationships (books? articles?) to help her organize her thoughts and feelings around the situation. (I've cobbled together my thoughts from lots of introspection and randomly dipping into the web for years and years, I'm comfortable in my skin and able to verbalize my needs, desires, concerns, and feelings around the fetish/relationship situation.) She's wicked-smart, women's studies, philosophy, history, humanities background, etc., etc. Are there any resources are out there that would be useful to her?

posted by zeek321 to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Maybe get this switched to an anonymous post and tell us what exactly you're talking about? Kind of hard to recommend specific resources, which are likely to be the most helpful, unless we know what it is you have in mind.
posted by valkyryn at 2:21 PM on August 2, 2009

It's almost impossible to answer this question without knowing what your fetish IS. There are plenty of books on spanking, bondage, etc., but not as many on, say, infantilism or coprophilia.
posted by desjardins at 2:21 PM on August 2, 2009

I am going to be surprised if we can find anything you have not already run across. Your post suggests you have given this issue much thought, research and mature consideration. I applaud you for your candor with your SO and wish you the best. I will also be surprised if you can find "objective information" that is not couched in the language of deviance, pathology or titillation masquerading as an an objective discussion. I am sure you have done multiple internet searches. I would encourage you to have your SO do some searching on her own and bring questions she might have to you.
posted by rmhsinc at 2:39 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

I haven't read "The Fetish Fact Book" (Really! I haven't! I swear!), but it gets good ratings on Amazon.
posted by grumblebee at 2:47 PM on August 2, 2009

And, according to Amazon, customers who bought the above book also like "Fetish."
posted by grumblebee at 2:50 PM on August 2, 2009

I will say that when you approach the issue with openness and honesty, you'll be surprised what your partner will be into if they're really into you first.
posted by ShawnStruck at 2:53 PM on August 2, 2009

I would contact a group like the center for sex and culture in San Francisco where they can point her to resources about your specific fetish.
posted by elationfoundation at 4:18 PM on August 2, 2009

The important thing is that she's comfortable with her role in this. You do not want your fetish to be "the thing" that crushes your relationship. That said, my hat is off to you for having awesome communication with your partner. Dan Savage (and AskMe) already get enough letters from people who don't have the balls to fess up to their partners about what they're into.

Need more details to answer the question.
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:44 PM on August 2, 2009

Call or email the friendly, knowledgeable folks at SFSI. They can help her talk through this, and find her information.
posted by gingerbeer at 5:17 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

The chapter on Tall Fetishes in Arianne Cohen's book "The Tall Book" gives a great run down of what fetishes are and how they come about. Of course, she's talking about height fetishes, but is very clear of where they come from. Try "search the book" on Amazon.com.
posted by Household Tipster at 7:34 PM on August 2, 2009

Suggestion: since reposting this question with more details will "out you", perhaps you could choose to selectively trust some Mefites - those who have already responded - with Memail, asking if they would mind receiving more details privately.

That way, you're not putting info out there on unprotected, permanent web pages like this one, and we might be able to help more.

Most of the people replying here are inherently kink-friendly, I should imagine. We pervs look out for one another - as long as all is "safe, sane & consensual".

Obviously, I would offer confidential advice, if you sent me more info.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:41 PM on August 11, 2009