From (v.early stage) dating to friends and all the way back - express ride to disaster or potential success?

August 2, 2009 10:45 AM

From (v.early stage) dating to friends and all the way back - express ride to disaster or potential success? Am mostly curious to find out if anyone had similar experiences and can enlighten me

After reading AskMefi for quite a while am finally ready to post my first question (yay!). So, am mostly looking for other people's experiences and perspectives on the following situation: Me (early thirties lesbian), been single for two years now, did the requisite yoga and counselling after the break-up and started feeling good about myself again. In fact, so good that I started dating again a while ago. Had some disastrous meet-ups, some so-so, learnt some stuff about myself, collected some interesting stories, so far so good. A month ago I met someone online, went on four dates, had fun, conversation flowed easily, didn't really do much more than holding hands when in restaurant/at the movies but the chemistry was clearly there.
Yesterday, date number five, we meet over at my place, finally have a chance to be alone, spend some quality time together, and well, hopefully move beyond the hand-holding stage. Once again, a couple of hours of very nice conversation, I try to kiss her and she goes - whoa, whoa, that's too quick for me, and can we be friends first and then see how it works because this is how her two best relationships worked out best for her. As in, she was friends with somebody first for a couple of months-year and moved on from there.
Ok, I think I know where I stand on this - I believe being in a no (wo)man's land where we aren't exactly dating but are friends (who started out with what I thought was dating-related activities) with a view to dating at some unspecified time later on - that sounds like a recipe for emotional disaster and a lot of drama. So I am most probably not going to pursue this for now.
Or am I wrong and there are people out there who were in a similar scenario and can share with me whether and how it worked? Not really looking for advice what to do, as I said, I think I know what to do, but am quite puzzled about the whole situation and would appreciate hearing from others. I searched through a number of questions but can't find anything related.

posted by coffee_monster to human relations (3 comments total)

I think I understand what you're getting at here, but I'd say you're overthinking it. Times I have had attempted kisses rejected (and have rejected them myself) have not resulted in a mechanical/materialist ("this means that") rejection of the idea of romance. Sometimes its wound up not working out, sometimes it has (to varying degrees). I don't think this dynamic has anything to do with gender.

That said, I think she's telling you that she might really really like you and knows her own limits and doesn't want to poison the well. Nothing wrong with going slowly, and really, a balked kiss is not that big of a deal. Look at what she's saying, she's comparing you to her best relationships.

I hope I'm not stepping into a minefield here, but you might also look at the cliche of lesbians constantly processing their relationships. I do this too, but I think it's a sign of maturity to let the other person drive too, so to speak. It's a way of defusing the drama, allowing the relationship to take a natural course and not think it needs to be steered, which of course is my own interpretation of what's going on. Adjust proportions as necessary.

And you know, congratulations on navigating online dating past a third date. It sounds like you might have an idea of it being very hit-and-miss, so I'd suggest relaxing, forgetting about breakups and comparisons and just enjoy the presence of this person in your life. I'm sure she'll let you know when they're ready to take another step. Spend your time making a mixtape or something to sublimate your baser impulses. ;)
posted by rhizome at 12:00 PM on August 2

Probably too simplistic a response, but: everyone has their own pace. Her preferred pace seems to be slowish, or unhurried, depending on your pov. She wants emotional intimacy and commitment before she explores much else. Nothing wrong with that, just might not match your pace. If the 'chemistry is there', something may develop down the line if you are willing to wait a bit.

I don't see the situation itself, as you present it, as a recipe for drama and emotional disaster at all, but maybe it's not the situation but something else you sense about her that gives you this premonition.
posted by mmw at 3:16 PM on August 2

Last October I met a guy who seemed great, and ended up in exactly the situation you described. We went out several times, things seemed good, but I was feeling shy and a bit nervous. I had gone through some serious dating disappointments in the past few years, with people I was interested in not returning my interest, and with my interest waning in people who had initially seemed great. I wasn't ready to let myself feel strongly about this guy. So I told him we should just be friends, and he consented. Six weeks of "just friends" later, we were dating again. We've been together ever since, and things are going great. I just needed time to get over my fears, and get to know him better as a friend first so I could feel safe opening up to the possibility of falling for him.

I'm sure if he had abandoned the effort, or decided to go out with someone else instead, we wouldn't have gotten together again. But he saw the potential for a great relationship, and continued to hang out as just a friend until I saw the light. He didn't push, wasn't constantly "checking in" to see if I wanted to date again. We just hung out, more and more often, until I realized that I missed him when we weren't together. Now I can't imagine dating anyone else.

Of course, that's no guarantee that this girl will ever come around. Some of that historical heartbreak I was recovering from happened when someone told me he just wanted to be friends and I didn't believe him. I hung out as his friend for a long time, hoping he would change his mind, and got my heart trounced in the end. I guess there's no real way to know which way things will go. But even though I had to endure the pain of realizing that relationship was never going to go anywhere, it didn't stop me from later finding someone and falling in love. So, go for it, or don't, but honestly I don't think there's any objectively correct answer in this kind of situation. If you abandon the effort now, or stick it out and find out that it's still not going to work, you just go back to looking until you find someone else.
posted by vytae at 6:13 PM on August 2