Are we dating?

August 1, 2009 8:11 PM

Does he think we're dating? Is he waiting for me to make the first move? Beanplate edition.

We've arranged in advance to spend time together just about once a week, or once every two weeks, for the last couple months. He always insists on paying for dinner (as opposed to most men I've dated, who agree to start going dutch after the first couple times out)--though that might be related to the difference in income, and the fact that dinners out are usually at his invitation. (I've been able to pick up the tab on other occasions.)

He has not made a single move. There's not any flirting. I'm not getting any visual/behavioral/body language cues of, "I'm attracted to you." But the invitations keep coming and I keep accepting (and making some invitations myself), as I enjoy his company and the budding friendship.

Why not kiss him? Because I've ended up in the past in painful situations with a man or two who didn't think I was his type, but didn't turn down affection offered because he "liked my personality" and feeling cared for (I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend, I've been told). Not willing to date someone again who isn't physically hot for me specifically, not just lonely or hot for action in general. I feel like many men don't turn down opportunities for casual intimacy even with women they're not particularly attracted to, and I'm not willing to push myself onto someone who isn't excited to be with me.

Why not just ask? I probably will at some point, but it's not particularly urgent to me right now, and I don't know if this is just his pacing (not wanting to get entangled in a physical relationship before getting to know someone due to a bad past experience, etc) or muddy a budding friendship if that's all he wants.

Do *I* like *him*? I probably would have made out with him by now if he had attempted. (We've had multiple movie nights over at his house, with zero physical advances on his part.) I don't know if he's boyfriend material, though.

Question (especially for the men):

1) Is it possible for an attractive, socially well-adjusted guy over the age of 30 with relationship/girlfriend experience to be genuinely interested in someone without actually flirting or giving off physical cues (looking someone over, that charged or nervous kind of conversation) or trying to make a move? Is this just shyness, or is it friendship, or is he just lonely or bored and "just not that into me", but seeing if I'll make a move myself?

His behavior and body language say "friendship" (which I'm fine with) but anyone I describe our time with thinks we're going on dates.

You don't know him, you don't know me, but I'd love to hear your experiences.

posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

Because I've ended up in the past in painful situations with a man or two who didn't think I was his type, but didn't turn down affection offered because he "liked my personality" and feeling cared for (I'm a pretty awesome girlfriend, I've been told)

these are the risks of dating so kiss him already
posted by Ironmouth at 8:18 PM on August 1, 2009

His behavior and body language say "friendship" (which I'm fine with) but anyone I describe our time with thinks we're going on dates.

That's because people always jump to that conclusion. I have a friend who is like a sister to me, she and I would never approach the same ballpark as 'dating', but people who know only one of us have thought that we're on a date when we hang out. It's just an automatic assumption, because people like drama.

It is possible for two people to hang out, even in semi-formal date-like settings (dinner, movie, whatever your thing is), without being romantically interested in each other. Admittedly it's more (stereo)typically going to be you and a female friend of yours, but it's not impossible for it to be a dude. I'd trust your gut, if you and he seem to be in the friendship mode to you, you're probably right.
posted by axiom at 8:22 PM on August 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

At the risk of asking the obvious, might he be gay? I have had this sort of relationship with gay male friends (I'm female).

One friend in particular was (in retrospect) apparently struggling with his sexual identity. Apparently, platonic "dates" with me fell within his comfort zone. And he was very good company and my almost-constant companion for several months.
posted by sueinnyc at 8:29 PM on August 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Do *I* like *him*? I probably would have made out with him by now if he had attempted.

Was that a yes? 'Cause it doesn't sound like a yes, it sounds like you're probably willing to fool around if nothing good is on tv, which isn't exactly high praise. Nothing in your post sounds like you LIKE like him, you're just confused as why he's not showing you any interest.

You're both adults. Ask him and clear up the air.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:30 PM on August 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Ask him. Sounds like a slow mover.

Say: "So are we dating or what?"
He will say: "Yeah, I mean I thought so, aren't we?"
Say: "Then why haven't you tried to kiss me or hold my hand or something?"
And that will lead to one resolution or another. If he's interested in making a move, he'll try it by the end of the date.

OR, if he says "No, we aren't dating," then you have your answer. Like sueinnyc said, he might be gay.

Or, if he is all wishy washy about it, then you have to decide whether or not you want to keep seeing someone who either likes to play games or is unable to make a move. If that's it, it's unlikely to change.
posted by rahnefan at 9:07 PM on August 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

Do *I* like *him*? I probably would have made out with him by now if he had attempted.

Isn't it possible he feels about the same towards you? He might be up for some fooling around if it came to that, but also fine with just being friends, and doesn't feel any particular need to push things toward physical intimacy, at least for the moment...

If you want a definitive answer, you'll probably have to ask. Otherwise you can see if anything happens at some point down the road, if you're okay with either outcome. Seems to me, chances are he is too. But you might want to get it straight before you start dating someone else at the same time.
posted by mdn at 9:13 PM on August 1, 2009

Two months and not even flirting means "friend."
posted by sageleaf at 9:20 PM on August 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

You're not dating. After two months with no action, either he's a friend or he's so closed up that you're better off leaving it like that.
posted by anadem at 10:20 PM on August 1, 2009 [5 favorites]

Two months and not even flirting means "friend."

After two months with no action, either he's a friend or he's so closed up that you're better off leaving it like that.

The poster hasn't flirted either. Based on the above, she's saying "friend" by her actions, also. Is she also "closed up?"

I mean, I could read this whole question from exactly the opposite perspective. The OP has made no advances and "shown no interest", either, based on the information in the question.

Someone has to say or try something sooner or later, sure. But isn't it possible that he is waiting for exactly what the OP is waiting for?

Why is everyone putting all the burden on the man, exactly?
posted by rokusan at 10:28 PM on August 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

Doesn't seem like you're that into each other. Maybe look around and see what else is out there...you'll find someone who is really into you and it will come more naturally.
posted by kathrineg at 10:38 PM on August 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

Instead of just asking, why don't you just try flirting once? Or getting slightly touchy-feely over some drinks? You'll have your answer by how he reacts without having to bring up what could be an awkward conversation (if the thought of dating never even crossed his mind). If he reacts positively then go for it, before you become too close to be afraid to ruin the friendship.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 11:07 PM on August 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am not sure why this is even worth asking? You seem to be quite ambivalent about 'dating' this man, he seems to be quite ambivalent about 'dating' you -- why even bother about the question? If you got your answer, would it make any difference? Surely, if you're looking for boyfriend material or dating material (or even makeout material), there has to be someone out there who has the hots for you, and whom you have the hots for.

Enjoy his company for what it is -- friendship.
posted by moiraine at 3:46 AM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

I prefer awkward conversations to rebuffed advances, personally. You don't have to ask him straight out, but its not too personal to ask a person if they are looking for a partner or what that partner ship might look like.
posted by psycho-alchemy at 5:57 AM on August 2, 2009

Oh god don't kiss him without knowing what's going on! This is how tons of guys screw up great friendships with chicks. How do I know this...because I have female friends who hate it when guys do that.

There are some of dudes out there that just prefer hanging out with women...in a strictly platonic way.

Its friends, not sex.
posted by hal_c_on at 7:15 AM on August 2, 2009

>Do *I* like *him*? I probably would have made out with him by now if he had attempted... I don't know if he's boyfriend material, though.

So -if you had confirmation via socially recognized signals, you'd have engaged in romantic/sexual behavior by now? But lacking that confirmation, you've done nothing along those lines? You only "like" him if you know he "likes" you?

If he's not "boyfriend material," then why do you even care? Stop fake-dating him, tell him when he calls or asks to set up another non-date that you can't. Or make a move, ask the question, DO SOMETHING to force the issue.

Life is too short for this sort of thing. Aren't you worth it?
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:45 AM on August 2, 2009

Two months of this? Is there sexual attraction or not? You like the guy in that way, kiss him, for cryin' out loud! At least try to hold his hand.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 8:41 AM on August 2, 2009

Does he think we're dating?

You would need to ask him that.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:18 AM on August 2, 2009

He could just be asexual. My friend is a self-proclaimed asexual person. I actually thought this post was about him at first, but he's not over 30. He likes women and prefers to hang out with women as friends, but he could never make the first move. His general awkwardness also makes it very unlikely that he could even "flirt" if he wanted to. If you want something more, I think it's up to you.
posted by runcibleshaw at 11:03 AM on August 2, 2009

Time to put on your big-kid pants and ask! Back in the olden days of my dating life, I was once seeing this guy who was a social big-shot and very good looking. We hung out a number of times because we really clicked on a certain level. There was flirting but I could tell he was pulling back. We made out, it was a lot of fun and then... nothing. So, I just asked him. "Hey, I really like hanging out with you and it seems like you enjoy hanging out with me. I like you and I'm interested. What are you thinking?" He said a few nice, non-committal things and then said, well, I'm so busy. Uh. Right.

I think that, frankly, in his head, he saw himself with the blonde cheerleader type and that was not me. Asking him those questions was scary to think about beforehand but not at all scary when I asked them and his answer told me everything I needed to know. If I wanted to be friends with him, I could. But, I wasn't going to try to be more because he just couldn't or wouldn't and that's fine. And I didn't want to just be friends with him. Anyway, I was reading something similarly between the lines in your post so I thought it would be helpful.

You need to decide what you want. It sounds like you're waiting to know what he wants before you decide what you want. You could be waiting a long time with this guy. Just figure out what you want and then have the conversation. Or, just start flirting if that's what you want and see where it goes. Don't be scared. We're all just people.
posted by amanda at 12:04 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

KTMFA.
posted by rokusan at 6:59 PM on August 2, 2009

Oh god, don't kiss him. There are so many other things that could be going on here:

He's gay

He's married/seeing someone/still emotionally involved with someone else

He's asexual

He's your friend, but not interested in you romantically

There is, of course, the possibility that he's painfully shy and hasn't made a move on you, or is your friend and is interested in you romantically but not sure if you feel the same way. The only way you'll know what's going on is by asking. If you're unhappy with the way things are now, then ask him, but if you're okay with status quo then just leave it as is.

posted by booknerd at 9:51 AM on August 3, 2009