Will work for the ability to make my mother STFU!

August 1, 2009 12:23 PM

Job-hunting filter: So I've just been informed by my always- supportive mother that I am not doing everything possible to find a job after being laid-off two weeks ago. And she, of course, would know, since she hasn't looked for a job herself in 20 years.

But she does watch a lot of CNN and apparently, I'm not thinking outside the box enough when it comes to the hunt.

I informed everyone I knew the day I was laid off that I was looking for work (in regulatory compliance, public affairs or government relations.)

I just recently joined a local professional organization. I scour the 'net daily.

I have a stellar resume, tailored for each position I'm seeking. It's been proofread. My cover letters have always gotten compliments. (For the last three jobs for which I was hired, all three interviewers mentioned the quality of the cover letter.)

I always send my resume through the requested method and then find out who the hiring manager is and contact him or her directly, by both email and snail mail. (In only two weeks of looking, I've already gotten a positive response from a hiring manager for a job that does not close until Aug. 6 ... and because it's government, they have to hold to that but judging from the fact that he responded to me the same day, and very positively, I'm hoping for an interview.)

I even contacted someone whose job I previously turned down in March (obviously not knowing that I was soon to be laid off) and asked if he had any openings. I'm in Arizona. The market seems to be looking up in my chosen fields. My mother says I should be looking in D.C. because they have the country's lowest unemployment rate but after moving almost every other year for a good 15 years, I'm trying to make Arizona home ... plus I don't have any money to finance a relocation.

So what's left? Do I need to do a 3-minute video presentation of my skills? Have my resume delivered by parachute? Show up at the HR office in a bikini? (Because my mother didn't have any ideas, just, as usual, criticism.)

Thanks.

posted by notjustfoxybrown to work & money (24 comments total)

I would recommend you politely point out to your mother that your mother has not searched for a job in 20 years.
posted by kldickson at 12:28 PM on August 1 [6 favorites]

You're doing fine. Tell your mom to back the f off, unless she's trying to stress you out unnecessarily and make it even harder on you.
posted by rhizome at 12:28 PM on August 1 [1 favorite]

Just tell her you've been hiring singing telegrams or something and carry on. It sounds like you'll have a job in no time and the issue will be moot.
posted by cmoj at 12:28 PM on August 1

You've got to stop listening to your mother. It won't help you get a job, but it will make you feel better. There are millions of us out there looking for jobs; keep on keeping on.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:29 PM on August 1 [2 favorites]

Also, ask your mother, in a pointed voice that suggests 'please stop annoying the fuck out of me', "What do YOU suggest, Mom?"
posted by kldickson at 12:32 PM on August 1

You're definitely doing enough. I'm guessing your mom typically criticizes, so take this latest criticism for what it (isn't) worth. Just ignore her, unless you did feel like telling he to back the f off and mention she hasn't looked for a job in 20 years so her opinion on the subject is worth exactly zero. I would, but that may just be me.
posted by cgg at 12:33 PM on August 1

Tell your mother -- politely or less politely -- that we're living in a lousy economy, and plenty of people with stellar resumes are having a hard time right now.
posted by vickyverky at 12:40 PM on August 1

"What strategies did you use back when you last got a job, Mom? Any advise on how to really leverage the Internet? Hmmm ... Oh, wait! That was a different era then, wasn't it?"
posted by jgirl at 12:41 PM on August 1 [2 favorites]

Heh, this really belongs to RelationshipFilter and not JobFilter, right?

Chillax, you're doing fine. Remember that not much recruiting is done during the summer.

Don't forget to keep yourself busy in a positive way, e.g. exercise, meet friends, go to the park, etc. And keep some distance between you and mom; the last thing you need buzzing around you is a habitual button pusher (but of course you love her and all).
posted by Foci for Analysis at 12:47 PM on August 1

Obviously, as the other commenters have so eloquently pointed out, your mother doesn't have any idea what she's talking about with respect to your job search. It sounds like you have all the bases covered.

But rather than responding to her with exasperation and then ignoring her (which is plenty tempting, I must confess), you might consider what she's saying between the lines. It could be, as you suggest, that nothing you ever do is good enough and she clearly knows better than you do about, well, everything.

It might also be that she's fearful that you'll end up as a statistic in this awful economy, or that you'll never really establish yourself anywhere, or some other horrible fate. If you can figure out what she's afraid of (on your behalf) and respond to that, you just might make your relationship with her a bit better. Her fear, whatever it may be, is certainly irrational and not grounded in any sort of fact, but it is very real to her.
posted by DrGail at 12:52 PM on August 1 [1 favorite]

Are you asking for advice on how to deal with your mother's haranguing you about your job hunt, or are you asking for some more creative ways to go about your job search?

It sounds to me like you're doing fine; you'll get yourself a job soon enough (and I'm truly sorry about your layoff, it's difficult and scary, and it's definitely not made easier by receiving judgemental criticism instead of support). Could you do more? Of course you could do more, you can always do more. You could print out resumes and drop them off by hand at the reception desk for the person who will be reviewing it. You could take out an ad in the paper. You could make a for-hire website. Whatever it is that folks are doing to "creatively stand out" from the pack when there is a significantly larger pool of folks applying -- you could do some of that.

Do you need to? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds to me like the only reason you'd do that would be to please your mother. I'll tell you two things about that:

1.) It won't come off as genuine, if you go "over the top" for a job if you're only doing it to make the moms happy.
2.) You won't feel good about it either.

That said, I also know that when I get nagged, criticized or otherwise derided into doing something that maybe I should do before I'm ready, I do a really terrible job of it. If I trust myself and wait until I'm ready, I knock it out of the park. So of course, what the other posters here are saying -- you need to ignore your mom on this one -- is exactly correct.

It's obvious to me, though, that from the venty, frustrated, sarcastic tone of your post, you can't just let it go. Which is why I ask you what exactly it is you want help on from the community here. It's completely understandable to snip back with a sarcastic comment, but I think that if you distill it down to the source -- your mother is anxious and worried for you, not because of YOUR ability to get out there and get a job, but because of the ridiculous "oh noes! the jobz are gone and yer kidz are gonna starve!!!!111" din coming from the media right now.

Sounds to me like what you need and want from your mom is support and encouragement -- not advice and nagging, because you know what you need to do, and you'll do it, and you'll be fine. So howabout you tell her that, and don't snipe back? Maybe you'll get what you want from her and you'll feel a little better.
posted by pazazygeek at 12:55 PM on August 1 [2 favorites]

Mom: Honey, I'm just saying that I just read an article that made it clear that when you're job hunting and you don't consider XYZ you're just wasting your efforts. I think it's pretty clear you could be doing more.

NJFB: Mom, I understand you are trying to help and that it makes you anxious, or embarrassed, or worried that I am out of work. I have explicitly explained to you that my experience, background, and methods are considered highly professional and results-oriented by my peers and that the right job, in the location I desire, is likely eminent. However, as my mom you do actually have some power in all of this--and that power is to make me feel frustrated, unworthy, anxious, or insecure about my efforts by criticizing me during a vulnerable period of my life. You could help the most by trusting me, encouraging me, and maybe making a few dates with me to do something fun where we don't talk about my search. If I felt your unconditional support of me and of everything I am doing, combined with my expertise, well, I'm practically hired!

Mom: I'm not criticizing you, I'm helping you--can't you see I'm supporting you?

NJFB: I understand that you feel you are helping, however, I have specifically told you the best way to help. If you feel you cannot honor that, I think it's probably best that I work on this on my own and talk to you again when I'm ready or when I've found a job, and I know you'd rather talk to me and see me regularly. This is a final offer, and I love you (or however you're comfortable expressing good feelings with mom).


Good luck in what sounds like an obviously top-drawer search!
posted by rumposinc at 1:06 PM on August 1 [5 favorites]

You all are the best! Thanks for the supportive answers ... and actually, I hadn't even thought about doing a for-hire website or taking out an ad in the paper. Those could actually be helpful things.

I do realize that my mother is reacting out of fear, but when you're afraid yourself, the last thing you need is to have that fear transfered onto you in such a negative way. What I heard is, "You're not good enough," not, "I hope you don't end up homeless or worse, having to move back in with me and Dad."
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 1:14 PM on August 1

You've gotten what looks like is great advice so far, I'm just popping in to let you know that you're lot alone in having people outside your specific situation telling you that you're not doing enough.

I was told I'd have a job starting in August, then comments made by my (former? present?) employer lead me to believe that that job wasn't able to happen anymore. Meanwhile the wife has been following the rules for how teachers are supposed to find jobs in South Carolina and has gotten basically nowhere. All the while both of our mothers are wondering why I haven't gone and demanded interviews at places where I know I could get a job.

Anyway, pick a date. Before this day you can sit around waiting for that perfect job to materialize. After that day focus in getting a source of income somehow. But make the date something reasonable. For example, mine's Monday because I'm meeting with the person who promised me a job (from the above example) that day.
posted by theichibun at 1:59 PM on August 1

Ok, you sound more like the FoxyNoxy stuck in Italy rather than a notjustfoxybrown, the youngish professional woman based out of Phoenix.

Parents are a pain in the...Work is definitely a pain in the....See where I am going here? Why not take the plunge and jump out of your parents shadow? You have a law degree and what appears to be ample opportunity.

To me this screams of a self confidence/realisation issue dulled completely by an inability to break free from mom and dad syndrome, even after hitting all the right marks.

I hope you get the job you will find and my advice is not to try something new, but rather something old. Determination and confidence. You have the skills.
posted by Funmonkey1 at 2:30 PM on August 1

This is why I NEVER tell my parents when I'm unemployed.
posted by almostwitty at 3:07 PM on August 1 [3 favorites]

Best thing to do is say you took your mother's advice and thank to it you will now be appearing in porn. Mention some title and inform her you are getting paid like twice what you were and you dont see yourself giving it up soon.
posted by Rolandkorn at 3:18 PM on August 1 [1 favorite]

Also for the record the unemployment rate in DC is right around 11% right now. Also having all these CNN watching yahoos moving here isnt making it any easier. Just keep doing what you are doing.
posted by BobbyDigital at 3:24 PM on August 1

OK, mum here (ignore or not): some mothers just can't help themselves and sometimes overdo it trying to be helpful (me); some mothers criticize the way you breathe (my mum.) First decide which parent you have. Most mothers worry and like to feel helpful even if they're being a pita. It's hard to learn to treat an adult child as an adult all the time, esp when they have a problem. You can help reinforce your status as an adult by not frequently running to mum with other smaller problems as it can make you look less independent. Not saying you do this, but, if you do, don't. My advice for mum type #1: if telling her to back off nicely doesn't work, become deaf and uncommunicative. Remind her that CNN stays in business by making the 'news' dramatic. Sarcasm usually only gets you a not so great birthday present. For mum type #2: ignore her completely.
posted by x46 at 4:36 PM on August 1

As the green's number one proponent of "ask your mother this, not us," I would say that this is the perfect opportunity to tell your mother that she really has no idea what job hunting in today's market is really like and not to worry, you're handling it, but that you would really like to know, since you have time on your hands, how she gets her dishes sparkling clean, how to make a bed with hospital corners, and where to get the best ingredients for (insert your favorite family dish here).
posted by nax at 5:32 PM on August 1 [1 favorite]

You should just drop communication with your mom until you find a new job. She's very anxious for you and is just going to make you feel depressed.

Also, I live in DC right now and there are so many laid off lawyers in this town...as well as bright eyed law students who decided to just move here and hope the government would hire them straightaway. The laid off ones keep sending my nonprofit resumes and I know that my colleague who does hiring deletes 99% of them. She's been getting at least ten a day from lawyers who got laid off and want to pursue their Washington, DC-help others by working at a nonprofit dreams.
posted by anniecat at 6:27 PM on August 1

Do they teach this crap at mom school? Because if I didn't know better I'd have thought you were describing my mom. I told her to email me the articles or news bits she wanted me to see because I'd never remember what she said. She'd email me worthless tips from CNN or MSN, or third-hand leads, or whatever. It was a lot easier to deal with that way and she still got the "I'm helping!" thrill...
posted by the christopher hundreds at 10:59 PM on August 1

I like the christopher hundreds' advice of trying to divert her to email. You might also try a kind of "filter." Ask yourself, if this particular piece of advice had come from a professional colleague, professor, or friend, would I find it as intrusive or annoying? This might help you glean actual useful information, which believe it or not mothers sometimes have. Also remember that she is having the obverse of this conversation with her friends as well, with you as the somewhat amusing/annoying villain. Just sayin.
posted by nax at 6:36 AM on August 2

I'd follow rumposinc's advice and then just change the subject abruptly whenever she brings it up. Mom: "I heard on CNN that you should use Comic Sans instead of Arial on your resume." You: "So how is your garden going? Did the roses do okay with all of the storms lately?"
posted by desjardins at 9:27 AM on August 2