Help me help his penis (and my sex life)

July 31, 2009 4:40 PM

How can I tactfully tell my boyfriend that I think he has phimosis, which I feel is the main cause of his erection problems?

My awesome sexy loving boyfriend takes a long time to get an erection, and consistently loses it after around 10 minutes of sex. It's totally frustrating for both of us. He's not had much previous sexual experience and is understandably embarrassed about the situation. His foreskin is extremely tight and when I tried bringing this up as a potential cause, he didn't seem to think it was an issue. His verdict is that he's nervous, and after one too many failed attempts I totally understand why the next time he's more anxious in case it happens again, creating a vicious cycle. There's definitely a psychological element there, but I still feel the foreskin is partly to blame. After a bit of digging around, I made a pretty confident internet-diagnosis of phimosis (NSFW). Really, that wikipedia picture is an exact replica of his penis. However, I can find very little information linking phimosis and erectile dysfunction. In theory it makes total sense - if the head remains covered by the foreskin, surely things are less sensitive down there? And although he says there's no pain during sex, I can't imagine it's very comfortable. It feels like he's burying his head in the sand for fear that there's something 'wrong' with him - he's quite defensive when I attempt to bring it up, so I'm worried that saying something like 'hey honey, I looked on Wikipedia and I think there's actually something physically wrong with your penis' will knock his confidence even more and add additional anxiety/psychological issues into the mix which will only make things worse.

I've read about the various treatments for phimosis and it sounds simple enough to treat, so that's not really the issue here. So my questions:

Can anyone with phimosis comment on erection problems?
Anyone have any experience or words of wisdom on the best way to approach this tactfully with him?
How can I convince him that this isn't a big deal, there's nothing fundamentally wrong with him, and get him down the doc's for a chat?
Any other advice or comments welcome.

Thanks in advance, throwaway email is [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (19 answers total)

After a bit of digging around, I made a pretty confident internet-diagnosis of phimosis (NSFW). Really, that wikipedia picture is an exact replica of his penis.

You realize that "pretty confident internet-diagnosis" is about like saying "a pretty confident astrological reading," right? You may feel confident, but that doesn't mean you're anywhere near being right.

I think non-doctors should avoid trying to diagnose other people's medical problems. For all you know, he may be masturbating too much to internet porn. Encourage him to go to the doctor, if you think there's a problem, but don't diagnose him.
posted by jayder at 4:46 PM on July 31, 2009 [6 favorites]

he didn't seem to think it was an issue

Perhaps because when he masturbates or otherwise gets an erection without you, it's not an issue.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:50 PM on July 31, 2009 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you did tell your boyfriend that you think he has phimosis, which you believe is a cause of his erection problems. He said he didn't think this was the problem, but instead the problem is that he's nervous.

A few drinks (few, not lots) is usually good for nervousness.

As the wikipedia entry says this condition puts him at higher risk for cancer, you might want to change the focus to that: Concern that he never get cancer. It's more important than the erection issue, and has the added bonus of taking the conversation away from that.

I'd also recommend listening to him: He says he's losing his erection because he's nervous. This may be true! So, what can you do to keep him from being so nervous about it?

Hint: Stop focusing on the importance of his maintaining an erection. Imagine how stressful it would be if he said you must keep your nipples erect or else there will be no sex. Focus the two of you on having enjoyable physical time together with or without his erection.
posted by Houstonian at 4:54 PM on July 31, 2009 [4 favorites]

Anyone have any experience or words of wisdom on the best way to approach this tactfully with him?

In my experience, getting someone to go see a doctor when they would rather not is a very hard thing to do. He has risks and he should know about them. You need to approach as you caring about him specifically. You know your wording in the question is gentle enough. If I were you, I'd bring it up no more than once a week for a few weeks.

You realize that "pretty confident internet-diagnosis" is about like saying "a pretty confident astrological reading," right? You may feel confident, but that doesn't mean you're anywhere near being right.

This is nonsense. There are books out there on how to diagnose everyday medical issues that work extremely well. She is an unique position to examine his naughty bits, and to dismiss her recognition of very straight forward symptoms is rude and dismissive.
posted by bigmusic at 5:39 PM on July 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

You realize that "pretty confident internet-diagnosis" is about like saying "a pretty confident astrological reading," right?

Now, now. It is a pretty confident diagnosis of phimosis. After all, you can do that visually. I think it's 100% certain that the boyfriend here has phimosis, so why give the OP grief over that? Now, conclusion jumping to "and this causes his sexual difficulties", THAT is the kind of diagnosis that only a trained doctor should be speculating upon, but the OP didn't really do that, that's just the question that's being asked: could these be related?

And the only answer is gonna be "Maybe."

Even if you find a MeFite or two who has this attribute, their own anecdotes won't help. I'll just make a wild guess that some will have had erectile problems and some will have not, but nobody will know if there's any causality there, right?


His verdict is that he's nervous.

So eliminate that variable. Try drunk sex. (It can be fun.) See if that helps.

Houstonian's advice is also good. If you want to push this, kindly, forget the sex part and just say "I am worried about you getting cancer can you talk to your doctor about the phimosis thing?" Again, not about sex! I also love Houstonian's nipples comment. Exactly.


It feels like he's burying his head in the sand.

In the interest of being considerate, you might want to be more careful with the metaphors.
posted by rokusan at 5:40 PM on July 31, 2009 [7 favorites]

Your boyfriend has probably looked up phimosis too. Perhaps the treatment options are offputting to him. It is quite possible that he does not want cock surgery. Men have this thing about their penises and sharp knives.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 5:58 PM on July 31, 2009 [2 favorites]

How would you feel if you started dating someone, and they either said or inferred "sex between us is no good because of your lady bits, go get them checked out!"

I know if I were in this situation, I would definitely want to know, but I want it handled tactfully. Thats not to say you haven't been tactful already, but just bear it in mind.

I wouldn't exert too much pressure though. Its his body, once he is aware of what you think the condition is and what you'd like, the ball is in his court. In my experience, the more pressure going on in life in general (and especially pressure applied in regards to sex life) the worse the sex life becomes.
posted by Admira at 6:24 PM on July 31, 2009

I had mine dealt with by circumcision. Had I known at the time that persistent stretching play could fix it as well, I would certainly have tried that before going for the circ.
posted by flabdablet at 6:58 PM on July 31, 2009

It is a pretty confident diagnosis of phimosis.

No its not. If theres no pain, theres no phimosis. On top of that it would not affect erection. This is a case of the nerves, nothing else. See a real doc if its a problem. Internet guessing just makes things worse. Now he has to worry about erections and you calling him disfigured down there.
posted by damn dirty ape at 9:51 PM on July 31, 2009

All you can do is ask him to see a doctor for his erectile issues. Maybe he can get some Viagra if it isn't phimosis but in any case, all you can do is talk.

FWIW you've probably seen more erect penises than he has so I'd trust your diagnosis of phimosis more than his of "just nerves." 'Course, I'm not a doctor either.
posted by chairface at 11:55 PM on July 31, 2009

After reading that Wikipedia article, I still don't see the connection between your diagnosis and his inability to maintain an erection for over ten minutes. So even if you've "internet-diagnosed" him correctly you've still not diagnosed what you consider is a too-short erection. The article makes no major causal connection between the two, or if it does it's mentioned I missed it.

I did infer from the article that this is the kind of thing a pediatrician would discuss with him or his parents when he was growing up.

What you're missing, I think, is the variety among men and their organs. You just can't declare what is "normal" in the bedroom for the entire population of adult males. I have a feeling your experience is more limited than you think. So what if he loses it after ten minutes? It'll come back or do something else gratifying.

If you've brought this up one or more times, you've likely mortified him and increased the pressure he's under to please you. There two guaranteed ways to make a man's erection go away and never come back: 1. pressuring a man "to perform" in bed and 2. having him visualize his mom naked shaving her legs in a bathtub. Just the way we talk about it, as a "performance," would stress the hell out of me if I were a guy.

So if it were me, I would never mention his cock as abnormal or as a possible cancer stick again. Just appreciate it for what it is. Once you begin to convey your satisfaction with the guy in bed, things will improve. And if they don't, ten minutes is not at all unusual for an erection.

A more productive way to frame the issue is to consider it a shared problem. Maybe you just aren't turning him on? Who knows? But, the Wikipedia diagnosis approach would scare the shit out of me if I were a guy.
posted by vincele at 3:20 AM on August 1, 2009

If his penis is like the first one on the wikipedia page then he does need to see a doctor.
posted by A189Nut at 3:39 AM on August 1, 2009

I think you're freaking him out. I think you couldn't find anything linking this to erectile dysfunction because there's not much reason to think that's the cause.

What you're describing is fairly common for an inexperienced male, and is probably made worse by making a big deal out of it. I think you guys are in a freakout feedback loop.

Next time it happens, shrug, get up, and order a pizza or something. It'll take care of itself in time.

Men are pretty impressed by their own penises and it's unlikely he doesn't know that the foreskin thing is unusual, but it really doesn't sound like that big a deal if it doesn't cause him pain. There's a lot of variation in human genitalia we're not aware of because generally we walk around with pants on.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:31 AM on August 1, 2009

Your boyfriend has probably looked up phimosis too. Perhaps the treatment options are offputting to him. It is quite possible that he does not want cock surgery. Men have this thing about their penises and sharp knives.

Just a data point: a close friend of mine was circumcised at seventeen for a (different) foreskin issue. Though the surgery was painful, he says he much, much prefers his sex life now. Not that it's the right thing for everyone--just that surgery could be a very good thing, despite the pain and healing time.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:07 AM on August 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

"Honey, this erection thing...I really think you should see a urologist. Just in case. I know you think it's because you're nervous and what-not, but it would ease my mind if you had a check-up from a urologist and made sure that everything's OK."
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:23 AM on August 1, 2009 [2 favorites]

I had a very patient and curious boyfriend in college who was more than happy to help me overcome the phimosis I didn't even really know I had. It was pretty mild, unlike the wikipedia photos. But because he engaged with my penis curiously and carefully it didn't even feel like working on a "problem."
posted by greekphilosophy at 11:04 AM on August 1, 2009

If theres no pain, theres no phimosis.

That is incorrect.
posted by flabdablet at 6:13 PM on August 1, 2009 [1 favorite]

I found a few statistics on this blog:

There are two important numbers: average erection duration and average time to orgasm.
You might be confusing these numbers.

Where-as the average erection duration is 54 minutes for a 21-25 year old (the peak), the average time to orgasm for a man is only two minutes for 75% of all men. If he's lasting 10 minutes then he's a superman.

Not that all these number get cut by 90% if the man thinks the woman is not satisfied with his time to erection, duration of erection, or any issues with the plumbing in general ;)
posted by eye of newt at 3:02 PM on August 2, 2009 [1 favorite]

add an 'e' to Not
posted by eye of newt at 3:03 PM on August 2, 2009