Social Stigma of Buying Used Ring Solely for Diamond?

July 26, 2009 10:50 AM

Used Engagement Ring: I am ready to ask the most wonderful person I have ever met to marry me. However, before I can do that I need a ring. Buying a used ring seems to carry a negative reputation among some people and I can understand some of their arguments. My question is whether buying a used ring for the diamond itself and having a new setting made carries that same negative reputation. And, if I do buy a ring for the stone, will my jeweler have a hard time using it once it has already been in another setting?

My girlfriend has her heart set on a nice one carat diamond ring and I intend to give her one. However, I have my heart set on asking her to marry me in a special way that will also cost a significant amount of money (I would like to surprise her with a trip to Paris and propose there). I only have a limited amount of money and am trying to find ways to have everything we both want as part of the engagement. This includes making sure that our flights and hotels are as cheap as possible and also trying to fly during off-peak seasons. Another way that I see to save a little is to buy a used diamond and have my jeweler place it in a new setting. The prices for diamonds seem to be more than half as inexpensive for buying used and I have even seen a number of really ugly setting with very nice diamonds go for even less on E-bay and Craigslist. Will I be asking for heartache if I go down this path?

And, do you have any further recommendations on how to acquire a loose diamond inexpensively?

If it helps, I am located in Georgia (the state not the country).

posted by 2legit2quit to human relations (44 comments total)

I don't hear a lot about "used" diamonds. However, the sound of a "vintage" diamond is lovely and longlasting and sidesteps some of the ethical issues in the diamond business. It'd be even radder if somehow the vintage diamond could be traced to Paris through an antique dealer or somesuch connection.
posted by redsparkler at 11:02 AM on July 26

I think it would be perfectly acceptable to reset a used diamond. That way, the ring was still made specially for her, but is still less expensive. I would be happy to receive such a ring, myself.

Additionally, by purchasing a used diamond, you will be avoiding the problematic nature of "conflict diamonds." (It is, of course, possible that the used diamond you buy was originally a conflict diamond, but because you're buying it on the secondary market, your money will not be going to support that conflict.)
posted by ocherdraco at 11:02 AM on July 26

I think this boils down to what you think she would prefer. My sense is that anything used has a negative rep in my age group, but a couple young women I know would take it as really sweet. I'm fairly sure random strangers won't be coming along and yelling "USED RING! USED RING!" So consider how highly she values the stone vs. the ring and make the call. I wouldn't, personally.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 11:08 AM on July 26

Obviously, I want to avoid conflict diamonds at all costs and all of her jewelery gifts from me have been from Brilliant Earth. So, yes, that is a consideration.

Is an estate diamond just a nice name for used? I have always thought it was somehow different and would be wrong for me to just take the diamond out of.
posted by 2legit2quit at 11:11 AM on July 26

This whole question tells me you're too concerned with what other people think, including your girlfriend (!!!)... but, no, i wouldn't hesitate to buy a used ring (but i would say that)
posted by mpls2 at 11:12 AM on July 26 [1 favorite]

she will not know it is a "used" diamond unless you tell her... a diamond is a diamond... she may be able to tell if it is a used setting....

your jeweler could care less if it is "new" or "used" (other than the fact that he looses the commission on the sale of the stone).
posted by HuronBob at 11:12 AM on July 26

Reusing a stone sounds totally fine to me. My engagement ring is vintage and it doesn't bother me in the least. The ring is probably from the 20s or 30s and the dealer could tell by the wear on the gold that it had been worn for a very long time and well-cared for. I kind of liked that - it actually seemed really nice to continue to signify love and commitment with it, even though I have no idea who used to wear it. And FWIW, my wedding band was my grandmother's so everything on my ring finger is used. I prefer to think of both of them as well-loved.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 11:12 AM on July 26

StrikeTheViol and everyone,

Would there really be any reason for her to know the ring was "vintage"?
posted by 2legit2quit at 11:13 AM on July 26

I think that they only person that would know your approach would be you at that point. IMO, the wedding ring is not necessarily valued by the sum of its parts, but by the meaning behind the ring.

If you took a diamond from a pawn shop, an ebay sale, and brand new diamond from a jeweler and placed them on a table, you would not be able to tell which is which. Unless you buy a fake one of course. :) Everybody gets them from the same place, which would be the ground.

You could buy a couple of rings at discount price and have the metals melted down and use the diamonds and metals for a new ring. Lest you think that jewelers have never used this option when making rings before.
posted by Gravitus at 11:13 AM on July 26

Let me add that, if you were to go to a diamond broker and buy a stone, you really wouldn't know if that stone had ever been in another setting....
posted by HuronBob at 11:13 AM on July 26

mpls2,

I think you are right to an extent, but I am ok with that. We are both young professionals and I do want her friends and family to be impressed by the ring. We are otherwise frugal and low key people, but this is the one thing that I do not mind letter her dreams go where they want (and I am quite proud that she wants just 1 carat!!)
posted by 2legit2quit at 11:16 AM on July 26

It really really depends on what your bride-to-be finds appropriate, not what the rest of the world finds appropriate. While my ring was new, an antique ring would also have been delightful.
Does you lady want only new shiny pretties? Then you'd be a gentleman to oblige. Does she like vintage things or antiques? Then a ring in that style (new or authentic) would be appropriate. Look at the jewelry she likes to wear on a daily basis and judge from that.

The only difference between a new stone and an old stone is that an old stone might have a cut that was more fashionable yonks ago. Stones are reused all the time, and probably a good percentage of new rings have old stones in them.
posted by Billegible at 11:23 AM on July 26

I think if you're wondering about it this much then it might be the kind of thing you'll still be thinking about long after you've bought the ring. Online searches suggest you can get a 1 carat ring new anywhere from one to two thousand dollars american. Let's say you think about it for 50 hours at 20 dollars an hour; it's worth spending the extra money and not thinking about it all that time.

I'd buy a new ring on the cheaper side (with less brilliance or whatever) vs. a used ring.

Good luck though whichever route you choose!
posted by fantasticninety at 11:26 AM on July 26

Fantasticninety,


According to other online research the cost actually ranges around $5,000-8,000 American.

http://www.pricescope.com/RepRange.asp?shp=8&rng=7
posted by 2legit2quit at 11:33 AM on July 26

We got a vintage ring for less than 1700$. My wife loves it and the history behind it. We also did not want to spend any money supporting conflict diamonds. We also didn't want to get caught up in the engagement ring escalation we see going on (e.g. an 8000$+ ring, holy crap)
posted by bottlebrushtree at 11:39 AM on July 26

I would have no problem receiving a previously-loved stone. Have you thought about what you might say if your girlfriend asks about the ring's story? I've had several friends whose engagement rings had some kind of interesting background or significance. Someone down the line may ask where you got it, in the interest of buying a ring of their own...is it going to bother you to share things or keep things quiet?

It may never come up, but it's something to consider.

Mazel tov!
posted by corey flood at 11:46 AM on July 26

The stone in my engagement ring is a "used" stone -- not exactly a family heirloom, but it was originally set in a ring that belonged to my husband's grandmother. That ring was a token of love passed between two people who went on to have a very long, very happy relationship.

My husband had the stone re-set into a new ring for me. It is gorgeous and meaningful and totally sidestepped the issue of "blood diamonds" and all that.

If you buy a used stone through a dealer or something, you're not going to get that kind of history -- but I think checking estate sales definitely would allow you an opportunity to pick a stone not just for its exterior qualities, but for its background as well.

I am the type of woman who doesn't get hung up on jewelry and indeed didn't care all that much about having a diamond engagement ring (or any engagement ring at all to be honest). I also happen to think that wedding ceremonies and all the attendant nonsense surrounding them are an appalling and frivolous waste of time and money. So: I think what you're talking about here is honorable and meaningful, and it would carry a lot of weight with someone like me. But your girlfriend/soon-to-be-fiancee may have very different values. I recommend that you find a way to ask some gentle, probing questions to find out where she stands on the issue of material possessions and their relative importance.

You're a very considerate and thoughtful person to put so much planning into this. Best of luck to you.
posted by trunk muffins at 11:55 AM on July 26

corey flood,

We have a family jeweler who will make the ring and that will be a fun story since I will design it myself and the same guy has made stuff for both of our families in the past.

And, I am not uncomfortable with a previously loved ring, because as far as I am concerned, it comes from the dirt, is thousands of years old to begin with, and a nice diamond is a nice diamond is a nice diamond. BUT.... it is only partially about what I think.

And, from what I am reading here so far, it seems like a lot of you agree that this method will be acceptable even if I do tell her there is an estate diamond in her new setting.
posted by 2legit2quit at 11:56 AM on July 26

It sounds like you've been reassured, but another vote for vintage/estate/used. I'd argue that it's actually hipper and if you don't want to go with a man-made stone it's still a good way to avoid the moral qualms of dealing with the diamond cartel.

It would be pretty over the top romantic to be able to get the stone at some little shop in Paris and bring it back, but you'd have to have located it ahead of time or be willing to compromise on a smaller selection.
posted by ecurtz at 12:07 PM on July 26

It's really "in" to get vintage or estate or antique jewelry. I don't understand the concept of "used" when it comes to diamonds I mean there is no such thing as a "new" diamond, they don't come off the production line shinier or something.

I also think you totally bypass the notion that it's "used" if you have it reset, it's a new ring, no diamond will ever be new to begin with. Sometimes antique rings can be cool because of the settings, but I find it hard to believe an awesome antique ring would be any cheaper than a new one. I also think some of the older cuts are supposed to be really beautiful, but I honestly don't know enough about it. So get the cheapest diamond you can find (of the cut, size, and quality you desire) and have it reset. Then you can also make her friends ooh and ahh over how thoughtful you were to design the ring yourself.

And by design the ring yourself, I mean shamelessly rip off a major designer.
posted by whoaali at 12:11 PM on July 26

I gave my wife a hundred year old vintage engagement ring (in Paris, as it happens). It's a unique setting unlike anything modern that we've seen and cost two thousand dollars less than a new ring with the same stones would have been.

Most importantly, she gets obviously envious compliments on it all the time. Which is pretty much all I was shooting for.
posted by JaredSeth at 12:14 PM on July 26

My wife's diamond is an "estate" or "vintage" diamond that I had put in a new setting. The cuts of diamonds have changed over the decades, and hers is a cut that is noticably different from the trendy cuts of the last 20 years. People comment positively on it (still - and it has been 10 years). It is not a very big diamond, but the old-fashioned cut in a sort of minimalist modern setting makes it look unusual and cool. I can vouch for what JaredSeth is talking about.
posted by The World Famous at 12:26 PM on July 26

2legit2quit,

I didn't realise they were that expensive. Vintage doesn't sound so bad when you're getting into that price range.
posted by fantasticninety at 12:30 PM on July 26

Stones are very, very commonly taken out of one setting and put into another. People get bored with a piece of jewelry and have it broken down and made into something else. Or a custom jeweler has a bunch of pieces on display, but those actual pieces don't get sold -- somebody likes the stone(s) from them and has them put into a different setting, or wants some variation on the setting. Etc, etc, etc.

As long as it's a diamond, I wouldn't worry about how "used" it is. Old for a diamond is not in any way a bad thing. Quite the opposite. Diamonds are durable enough to have history. Other stones are softer, and I don't know that I would want to put a used one into an engagement ring (worn every day on the hand).
posted by madmethods at 12:39 PM on July 26

The stigma about "used" engagement rings is more like if you gave a ring to a woman and it didn't work out and she gave the ring back, you shouldn't turn around and give that same ring to the next girl. (Personally I don't see why not, if all parties are okay with it, but it's more of a superstition thing, like if that first engagement didn't work out, maybe this one won't either.) However, there is nothing wrong with buying vintage jewelry, and as several have mentioned previously, it's a great way to get something unique and save money.

As for buying something and having the stone re-set in a different ring, people do that sort of thing all the time. (For example, someone inherits a piece of jewelry from Great Aunt Gladys. It's not really their style but the stones are in good condition and they like the idea of wearing something of hers. So a jeweler re-sets the stones into a pendant on a necklace or a pair of earrings.) If the stone you found is in a shape that allows it to already be a ring, I don't see why a jeweler couldn't put it in a different ring. And even if you get a stone from a different type of jewelry, they're pretty much standard shapes, so I bet they could set something else into a ring, too.

Disclaimer: I never got an engagement ring and don't really like/wear jewelry.
posted by LolaGeek at 12:39 PM on July 26

Woo-Hoo! Yay for the used, uh I mean "Vintage/Estate" Diamond route. You're doing a great thing, by not making your dollars go to support the oppressive diamond industry! A great way to show that your love doesn't have to come at a cost to others.

Everyone is different, but in my talks trying to persuade women out of conflict diamonds, here what has not had very much traction:

1) How bout some Moissanite? It's the best fake diamond on the market, its nearly as hard as a diamond and shines even better. Because it's created in a laboratory, no Africans were harmed in the process. <>
2) How bout a different stone? "Diamonds are Forever" is an ad campaign, they have no actual history other than De Beers telling women that they need them as engagement rings. <>
What seems to happen next in the discussion is that folks will talk about buying "conflict free" diamonds. This however, is a process fraught with corruption. How hard is it to mix the clean in with the bloody? Not so hard.

Luckily though, what HAS had a great deal of traction is talking about a used diamond. In fact, out of my many discussions with women, all have been okay with it as long as it's a real diamond. So, she'll be happy with it, I'm sure. Good for you saving the money in your pocket that would only go to oppressing others if you bought new!!!!!
posted by No New Diamonds Please at 1:14 PM on July 26

The public's aversion to buying a used diamonds has its roots in a carefully-crafted, wildly successful marketing campaign. Knowing this would make it easier for me to disregard, but that's just me.
posted by Wordwoman at 1:17 PM on July 26 [4 favorites]

Don't call it "used," call it "heirloom jewelery" or "vintage" or something else like that, if you want. Or just don't say anything at all about its origin when you give it to her — is she really going to care?

I think it's fairly common, or at least not terribly uncommon, to buy old jewelery (from estates or wherever) containing diamonds and then to have those diamonds re-mounted in a new piece of jewelry. Since the diamond is typically the major cost component, this makes sense.

Also, if you want certain types of cut diamonds (certain cut styles) that are out of fashion today, your only source may be older pieces, unless you get it done custom.
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:20 PM on July 26

A diamond that was cut a long time ago may look different, because the faceting has changed over the years. Other than that, it's a chunk of carbon. If it's used, then you're not directly part of "blood diamond" issues. The diamond industry is large and good at marketing, but of all things one could buy used, a diamond and gold for a ring makes sense. They don't suffer wear and tear. The gold for my engagement ring was from a family ring, likely my great-grandmother's. If you have some notion that gold or a diamond might carry "vibes," have it blessed.

Starting out your marriage by spending wisely strikes me as good luck.
posted by theora55 at 1:58 PM on July 26

I know you want to do something that sounds simple, take your girl to Paris and present her with the big honkin' ring, but this is one of those things that is just way more complicated than it looks. I know a lot more about this than I probably should because for a number of years my wife and I ran a side business selling semiprecious gemstone rough.

First, with one caveat there is no way to date a gemstone; it's a hunk of rock, and if there's a tool mark on it there's no way to tell whether it was made yesterday or 1,200 years ago. The caveat is that if the tool was advanced enough you can tell the rock is newer than the invention of the tool or technique, and most people don't realize that gemstone faceting iis now a highly advanced optical science. A newer stone of good quality wll generally flash brighter and show more color than an older one. That said, the newer one might still be cut flat to accommodate a poorly shaped rough, so while an older stone will never look as good as a top-echelon new one, a new one can still be crap.

Second, diamonds are worthless. Really. Their value is maintained via an artificial monopoly that could be broken at any time, and probably will by lab grown diamonds indistinguishable from the real thing within our lifetime. Diamonds will be hacked not for the pretty but for other more important things, like making drill bits and semiconductors. Diamond has similar semiconductor properties to silicon crystal, but is much more durable. There is a vast economic incentive to learn to make diamonds the way we make silicon crystals, and if that happens deBeers is *toast*.

I realize that trying to explain all this to your girl isn't too romantic, though. I'm just sayin'. There are other gemstones that are much more rare, much harder to duplicate, and much more dramatic than diamonds. My wife has a brilliant blue Neon Tourmaline which she cherishes. I've been out of the loop for awhile but back in the day I'd have had a list of alternates that I'd have recommended. Check out http://www.houseofonyx.com/ which is the world's largest mail-order (no, really) gemstone dealer. Back in the day I actually drove to Kentucky to visit their shop and meet their now-late founder.

When diamonds are worthless because your computer CPU is made of them, I'll bet Alexandrite (it's a totally different color under flourescent light than incandescent) will still be pretty rare.
posted by localroger at 2:18 PM on July 26 [8 favorites]

Word of caution: Make sure the diamond is authentic!! Buying used diamonds from eBay or Craigslist can be a very tricky process, because the jeweler might not be registered with a professional body, and hence, may sell you a fake diamond. Some man-made materials can look almost exactly like diamonds. The best ones can fool even a professional jeweler (the only way to know for sure is to do a routine lab identification, which does not harm the diamond in any way). I think there are certificates you can get to prove the diamond is authentic -- insist on it.
posted by moiraine at 2:23 PM on July 26

Don't do it man. Just don't.

Seems like you are asking for insider or hive-mind approval of something you suspect she wouldn't dig, and you don't really know how she feels, but you are afraid to ask her because she might think you don't love her enough to get her a new ring.

You keep saying "if I do tell her," etc. So my advice is yes, you are asking for heartache. Unless you either tell her up front or have no problem keeping the secret indefinitely. All those other issues mean squat if I understand what you are really asking.
posted by rahnefan at 3:07 PM on July 26

rahnefan,

I don't think that was what I was asking. I don't have any suspicions either way and since she shares my sentiments about blood diamonds, I would assume that she would be comfortable with it. My question is more to gauge whether it is something generally acceptable and whether it is technically feasible to do. It does matter to me what her parents and close friends think and I don't want to do anything that would immediately be considered a "no-no" if I can help it.

I do appreciate the concern though. And I sincerely appreciate all of your great comments so far!
posted by 2legit2quit at 3:44 PM on July 26

I have an "estate" (but really just used) ring, and I love it. Love it for the the huge price difference, love it for the cruelty-free aspect, love it because I think it's a great ring. We didn't change the setting, but I can't imagine that anyone could really object to it. That said, if she would have an issue, maybe reconsider. I wouldn't worry about anyone else, though...no one is going to know or care.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 4:03 PM on July 26

It is both generally acceptable and technically feasible.
posted by The World Famous at 4:48 PM on July 26

I'd be *really* loathe to purchase off of e-Bay or craigslist. You just don't know what you'll actually be getting and by the time you have it looked at by your jeweler, you can quite conceivably be out a significant amount of money.

Have you checked out Blue Nile? They're quite reputable and their selection of diamonds is large. You can specify what size, cut, colour, etc. you are looking for and it will show you a ballpark figure of what they have available.

Best of luck to you and congrats!
posted by dancinglamb at 5:41 PM on July 26

Dancing Lamb and everyone,

I have looked at Bluenile and will purchase there is I am unable to find something suitable used.
posted by 2legit2quit at 5:46 PM on July 26

I would never have wanted a new diamond. And I've never heard anyone beef about reset vintage diamonds.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:23 PM on July 26

I just wanted to jump in and ask--are you sure she wouldn't like a vintage look? That is, if you're already looking at vintage rings. I have a used/vintage engagement ring from the 30s. I'd have been puzzled and, honestly, disappointed if my fiance had taken this beautifully crafted piece of jewelry and removed the diamond for a new ring. I mean, obviously if you find a really ugly old ring that happens to have the right size/cut diamond, go for it, but I just wondered why it's important to make a new ring.

What will happen regardless of what ring, diamond, or design you choose is that people will ask her to show off the ring, she'll wave her hand at them and grin, and they'll all go "Oooooh... pretty!"
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:32 PM on July 26

Before you go buying diamonds, be aware that the only reason diamonds are expensive is because DeBeers keeps most of them off the market. Diamonds are not as rare as, say, sapphires or emeralds; they just cost more.

You might take a look at a different kind of stone -- rubies also come to mind. I bought my girl a sapphire because she has blue eyes. You don't need a diamond ring unless you're planning to cut glass with it.
posted by musofire at 7:36 PM on July 26

Take a look at Blue Nile. They are supposed to have the best prices because they don't have a brick and mortar store. I got my wedding ring there very inexpensively. Also, my husband used Vacation Rentals By Owner to find an apartment in Paris for our honeymoon. The apartment was wonderful and much cheaper than a hotel. Good luck.
posted by bananafish at 8:20 PM on July 26

I love my "used" diamond so well that I used it again for my 2nd marriage. How's that for recycling? I think whoever owned it first was "positive"--I don't know why....I just think so.

It's a great way to have history ....before you even have history.
posted by naplesyellow at 12:12 AM on July 27

bananafish,

Thank you very much for the suggestion on finding a place in Paris!
posted by 2legit2quit at 4:46 AM on July 27

To everyone,

Thank you very much for all of your excellent responses. I went ring shopping with her yesterday and got a better idea of the diamond and setting she would like. I also asked about used/heirloom/blood diamonds and I she trusts me to get something nice that won't destroy the world. I take this to mean that a heirloom diamond in a new setting that she likes will be excellent. Now, the only problem will be scouring the world looking for the diamond that fits out needs. And, if I can't find the exact characteristics I want, I will proceed immediately to Blue Nile.

Now, to summarize your comments to see if I correctly understand to help anyone else in my same situation. First, the most important step is to understand what your significant other would like. Living with the knowledge of getting her something other than what she wants is not worth the savings. However, don't be afraid to bring up the topic of alternative sources of a diamond since most people simply don't know much about the subject until they start actually considering the possibility of having one on their pretty little finger.


Second, heirloom, estate, and vintage diamonds are just fancy names for used. There is a lot of marketing on behalf of the large diamonds companies meant to dissuade you from purchasing a second hand stone; however, there is absolutely no way to know the age of the stone except for possibly the style of cut, which come in and out of style.

Third, many people here chimed in with their own stories of owning a heirloom stone--all positive. Some noted that they enjoyed knowing the history behind the vintage ring or stone, while others simply liked knowing that they were sticking it to DeBeers. Either way, everyone here seems to find it a nice way to get a good stone at a reasonable price.

Fourth, the social stigma associated with a used ring is most closely associated with reusing a ring after a failed engagement, or superstition of using a ring that is from someone else's failed engagement. However, a well-loved ring from an estate does not appear to carry the same stigma and having the stone reset also does not carry any of that baggage. Also, it is important to note that only you and your love will know the origin of the ring as most people will simply say, "ooooohhhh SHINY!"

Thank you for all of your responses and good luck to anyone reading this!!
posted by 2legit2quit at 6:37 AM on July 27