Birthday gift for a soon-to-be-adopter?

July 23, 2009 9:06 PM

What's a good gift for someone who will be adopting soon?

One of my good friends has a birthday coming up. She and her partner are preparing to adopt a child. They're near the beginning of the process, still doing home studies, etc, but not to the point where they've met a birth mother or anything.

I'd like to get her something for her birthday that acknowledges or aids her in the adoption process. Bonus points for something I can get in Chicago this weekend or from Amazon. She already has a ton of adoption books so I wouldn't be comfortable getting one of those. I don't know which she has and which she doesn't.

Adoptive parents, what were the best gifts you got, especially at the beginning of the process?

I'm not looking to spend a ton of money; maybe US$40 tops.

Thanks for your help.

(Anon because her partner reads this sometimes.)

posted by anonymous to shopping (13 comments total)

A baby diary.
posted by Joe in Australia at 9:25 PM on July 23

I'm not a parent, adoptive or otherwise, so feel free to disregard... but I do know that the adoption process can take a very long time, and there can be a lot of false starts and terrible stops along the way. So I, personally, wouldn't get a hopeful parent anything baby related... I'd get your good friend whatever you'd get her if there were no baby business going on, and then write something nice in the card about her birthday and this new season in her life and my support and love in this new adventure.
posted by moxiedoll at 9:29 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]

As an adoptive mom, I'll say the process is really unpredictable. Once they finish their home study and get themselves "adoption ready" things could happen really fast...or it could be quite a wait. It's lovely that you're thinking of this as an important thing in their lives, though, because it is.

Nobody gave me adoption-related gifts, so I can't speak from experience. But in your place, I would get her a lighthearted adoption book like Dan Savage's memoir The Kid, if she hasn't already read it, along with whatever else you'd get her. If she's the jokey type and hasn't been through some kind of horrible infertility nightmare on her way to adoption, you could get a bottle of sparkling cider with the joke that it's because she can't drink alcohol now that she's expecting a baby.

For anything else, I'd wait until there's a match. At that point, baby gifts, things that show you share their excitement, and all the ordinary baby type stuff kick in.
posted by not that girl at 9:29 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]

moxiedoll has it right.
posted by not that girl at 9:30 PM on July 23

Honestly, at the beginning of the process we didn't want any baby stuff - it felt like we might jinx things, and an empty room with a crib and toys and clothes just serves as a reminder that you're still waiting. If they're still doing the home study, it could be a year or more before they even meet a birth mother (for us, it was 9 months after we completed our home study, and then another four months until our son was born).
Early on, we bought a few articles of baby clothing for each other on special occasions, but that was about it.
Once we had been paired with a birth mother, there was a concrete due date, and things felt more solid, then it seemed like time to start getting baby stuff. (and even then there's a scary uncertainty.)
My advice: Get your friend something for herself - before long, her identity is going to be so-and-so's Mommy for quite a while, and everything will be about the baby.

On preview: seconding The Kid, if she hasn't read it.
posted by chbrooks at 9:34 PM on July 23

I give new parents a portable high chair.
posted by brujita at 9:50 PM on July 23

Came in here to recommend The Kid. Love Metafilter.
posted by you're a kitty! at 10:00 PM on July 23

A friend of mine adopted, and the emotional stress over time was incredible... she was wracked by nerves close to the end of the process (a different situation than this, I think, as it was an overseas adoption, but in many respects, I imagine, emotionally quite similar). So perhaps a stress-relief gift kit, with a relaxing sounds or music CD, some luxury tea, and aromatherapy candle and/or essential oils... and maybe a good book - all items that should be easy to find at Amazon.
posted by taz at 12:57 AM on July 24

As an example (because I wanted to see how close I could get to your price limit):

Lavender essential oil
Oil burner (throw in a few tea candles)
Stash tea sampler
Harp relaxation music (studies suggest harp is most relaxing/rejuvenating)
Relaxation workbook
_____________________

$39.43

(of course if you go this way, you might want to assure your friend that she hasn't been acting frantic, but you understand that the adoption process can be very stressful...)
posted by taz at 2:02 AM on July 24

hm... the lavender essential oil is supposed to be $5.45; I don't know why the linked version is more expensive. Try this (or use the site search to find the $5.45 version):

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000W3QJGO/ref=s9_k2as_se_ir11?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=auto-no-results-center-1&pf_rd_r=004J78XKTN95BBMDV24M&pf_rd_t=301&pf_rd_p=480051571&pf_rd_i=lavender%20essential%20oil
posted by taz at 2:14 AM on July 24

My wife and I adopted a little girl. To be absolutely honest with you, we never expected, never desired, and never got any "adoption-specific gifts". Nobody ever really acknowledge the adoption process, but perhaps that's because we embraced it whole-heartedly.

That said, I think that your intentions are noble. I second the notion of a nice diary so that the future parents can document the process. While adoptive parents typically don't have ultrasound photos and pictures of mommy with a big pregnant belly, that's not to say that they don't have a "pregnancy story". They do -- it's just all paperwork. All of the feelings, emotions, thoughts, worries, concerns, projections, etc. are the same. Having the ability to capture that story for the child to own at somepoint in the future is invaluable.

If the couple isn't tech savvy and you are, and if the couple is interested in documenting/capturing the event, you could buy them a personalized web domain and set up a nice WordPress blog for them so that if they're interested they can blog/document the story, either for their own personal use, or to share with others. Our adoption blog was extremely helpful and therapeutic for my wife and I along the way, and we still go back to look at it.

Just my $0.02.
posted by scblackman at 4:14 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

I'm an adoptive dad. It's true that the process leading up to the actual adoption can be full of angst, depending on any number of circumstances. Now that my girls are 12 and 11 yo they are showing a real interest in the process that led up to their adoption.

I would like to suggest you get your friend a really nice journal to write her thoughts down during this time. It will serve two purposes: writing may help ease any angst and when this part of their lives are over and the process of parenting begins, it will be a great document to share with the child when he/she gets older.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 4:34 AM on July 24

Moxiedoll has the best answer. Because the adoption process can be so fraught with landmines and dead-ends, I really wouldn't do anything in terms of gift-giving until they actually had the baby in their home. And, even then, depending on the state, it may not be a done-deal.

Taken Outtacontext's idea of a journal is a nice idea, too. Though, it could easily be a book of pain, depending on how rough the process becomes for them.

Being a supportive friend can be the best gift of all, as they head into the process.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:59 AM on July 24