Should I miss Rosh Hashanah for a friend's wedding?

July 23, 2009 11:23 AM

My first year as a Jew--Should I attend an old college friend's wedding--on Rosh Hashanah?

Next month, after an intensive process of approximately three years, I will be completing my conversion to Judaism. The following month, my old friend and college roommate just so happens to be getting married on the first day of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year.

She's one of my favorite people in the world, and her fiance is a fantastic guy--I truly want to celebrate with them, but I can't help but feel conflicted about missing one of the holiest, not to mention symbolically transformational, days of the Jewish calendar, especially it being my first year as a Jew.

The wedding is out-of-town. Even if I found a synagogue that would welcome me as a non-member, I don't think it would be logistically feasible to make both the wedding and services.

What should I do?

posted by safran to religion & philosophy (30 comments total)

It's entirely up to you. No one is going to kick you out of the religion if you don't attend services. But speaking as a Jew, I would go to my friend's wedding. Maybe have some apples and honey and say the shehekiyanu before you go.
posted by amro at 11:28 AM on July 23 [4 favorites]

How orthodox are you?
posted by electroboy at 11:28 AM on July 23

Oh dear lord. Go to the wedding. If a close friend who celebrated his Zen buddhism by going into the mountains for a week said, "dude, I can't attend your wedding...that's my week" you'd think it was petty, wouldn't you?
posted by notsnot at 11:31 AM on July 23

Go to services the night before and attend the wedding guilt-free. (That's what I would do, and I always go to high holiday services.)
posted by leesh at 11:34 AM on July 23

[comments removed - do not turn this into "you know what *I* think about religion?" it's totally obnoxious and not okay here. thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 11:35 AM on July 23 [1 favorite]

You could also find a shul that does second-day services and do Erev Rosh and the second day.

But I'd go.
posted by liketitanic at 11:36 AM on July 23

Let me clarify. It's a non-negotiable fact that a. I've chosen to be Jewish; b. that it's an important part of my life; and c. that I have my own, thoroughly considered philosophical reasons for that choice.

You can choose to believe whatever you want (seriously, I feel strongly that cosmology is a matter of personal preference), but using my sincere query as an opportunity to hate on my newly chosen religion is more than a little hurtful and even smacks a little of malice and bigotry.
posted by safran at 11:36 AM on July 23

Go to the wedding. What a great way to celebrate the New Year, you know? It's not like it's Yom Kippur or something.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 11:37 AM on July 23

I actually think electroboy's question is the wrong one. No matter how "religious" or "orthodox" you were, you could still be caught between celebrating the New Year as part of a religious community and celebrating your friend's mitzvah. What's key here, though, is to realize that not going to Rosh Hashanah services in order to celebrate your friend's wedding won't make you a bad Jew. That's not only because you will be celebrating a mitzvah, but also because Judaism offers believers many ways to observe and celebrate that don't include going to synagogue on the first day. The core meaning of the Days of Awe is to offer Jews an opportunity for reflection and repentance, and there are many forms that can take, in private and in public. One option is to consider going to services on the second day, or attend a Tashlich ceremony -- the latter is a really wonderful and fun way to commemorate the beginning of the new year.

IANAR (I am not a rabbi).
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 11:38 AM on July 23 [8 favorites]

Ignore the responses that have now been deleted; what remains is all good advice.
posted by coolguymichael at 11:39 AM on July 23

Thanks, coolguymichael. Being new here, I had no idea what a sensitive topic this would be!
posted by safran at 11:42 AM on July 23

And thanks to all for the helpful responses!
posted by safran at 11:45 AM on July 23

Man, I wrote out all kinds of stuff, but foxy_hedgehog got it spot-on. Celebrating a good friend's wedding is definitely a mitzvah.

I'll also note as a nonpracticing Jew who's been to a lot of High Holiday and Shabbat services that being surrounded by masses of twice-a-year Jews who're paying tons of cash for a seat like it's a damn baseball game kills a lot of the sense of awe and community I got out of weekly Saturday morning services.
posted by Tomorrowful at 11:46 AM on July 23 [3 favorites]

As a fairly secular Jew, I am amused (My home was for some years very religious) at the number of comments that give ways to have it both ways--interesting and clever ways to servbe your heart (religion) and be there for your friend. I would go to the wedding because a religious holiday would not mean that much to me, but on the other hand, I seldom get asked to go to weddings, so ....
Look in your heart and do what feels right. God will forgive and so too will your friend when you choose one or the other.
posted by Postroad at 11:48 AM on July 23

Foxy hedgehog's answer — which is a very good one IMO, but what do I know? — also hints in passing at the appropriate meta-answer for this sort of qestion: "Talk to your rabbi about it."

Helping people think about this sort of question is What Rabbis Do. They're teachers, not priests. Odds are you'll have a pleasant conversation about the meaning of the holiday and the role of religion in your life, and come away having learned a thing or two.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:48 AM on July 23 [1 favorite]

I've been Jewish my whole life, and Rosh Hashanah isn't as big of a deal as Yom Kippur (to me, anyway). I agree with Leesh--the night before Rosh Hashanah go ahead and do something if you can. A simple family dinner with the apples and honey should suffice. But if you can't that's okay too--I promise I won't tell anyone. The way my family has always talked about it, Rosh Hashana is all about celebrating and enjoying the new year. So go to the wedding and dance your heart out. Yom Kippur is the time to feel guilty, not Rosh Hashana.
posted by ohyouknow at 11:49 AM on July 23 [2 favorites]

In your position, I'd only travel the day of, so that the first evening you could go to the appropriate services at your home synagogue, where you just finished your conversion. I'd also try to go to the second day services at your home synagogue. This makes timing very tricky, I know, since all the traveling is in one day, and maybe you'll want only to go to one set of the services, but you might as well get used to having to give up on things because you are the non-majority religion, because this will happen a lot.

Many synagogues are half-empty on the second day, so you might be able to work something out that way as well.
posted by jeather at 11:52 AM on July 23

Seriously, you all have been more than helpful. Thank you. Just in case anyone's interested, I think I am going to attend the wedding. As a pretty liberal Jew-to-be, I was already leaning toward that option anyway, but I wanted to check in with the hive mind first. I agree with giving the wedding mitzvah some priority over the shul mitzvah, if for no other reason than I think letting my friend down would be contrary to my own notions of Jewish practice. Plus, as many have pointed out, there are many options for observing the holiday otherwise.

Confession: I've already consulted three rabbis about this, and you know the old joke--I wound up with four answers.
posted by safran at 12:05 PM on July 23 [7 favorites]

No matter how "religious" or "orthodox" you were, you could still be caught between celebrating the New Year as part of a religious community and celebrating your friend's mitzvah.

Well, except that neither attending a wedding nor the marriage of non-jews is really a mitzvah, depending on your particular flavor of Judaism. What is a mitzvah is to hear the shofar on Rosh Hashanah. But really, ask your rabbi, he's the one who would know. He may also be able to provide you with a suitable workaround, which is also a big part of Judaism.
posted by electroboy at 12:22 PM on July 23

The issue is less going to synagogue, as going to synagogue is always voluntary. Rather, the larger issue from a Jewish standpoint is hearing the shofar. According to the Torah, we are commanded to hear the shofar being blown on Rosh Hashannah. Maybe find a synagogue near the wedding and ask them around when they think the shofar will sound. I guarantee they will gladly welcome you into their congregation to hear the shofar.

In fact, some synagogous will blow the shofar many times so that no Jew has to miss out on the mitzvah. Definitely worth a shot, and that way you can enjoy your friend's wedding without worrying about violating a commandment*.

*disclaimer, I was once, but am no longer, an observant Jew.
posted by satori_movement at 12:25 PM on July 23

Please don't be too put off by the deleted comments. Sadly, "Jewish" is not something that Metafilter does well.

I second the idea of doing Tashlich (especially if you've never done it before), and going to services the second day. However, contrary to some of the other comments, Rosh Hashanah is not actually a time of pure celebration and joy. In many ways, it can be seen as more serious and sober than Yom Kippur-- a time of reflection and asking for forgiveness from people we may have wronged, etc. Whereas Yom Kippur is the day when forgiveness and renewal is assured--which makes it a more festive occassion ultimately. Regardless, I say do whatever feels right and makes sense to you. Supporting a friend is an important act.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 12:29 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]

I totally stand corrected: electroboy is right on this. I should not have referred to attending a wedding as a "mitzvah," as in commandment -- I was using it in its more informal sense, of a "good deed," and that distorts the meaning in this context.

See 130-132 here.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 12:37 PM on July 23

This year, first-day Rosh Hashanah is on Shabbat. I always get annoyed when this happens, because Rosh Hashanah is "yom teruah" -- the day of the sounding of the Shofar -- and you can't blow the damn thing.

So if any year is the right year to go to second-day services but not first-day, it's this one. Plus, second-day services do tend to be less crowded (and therefore less awful).

nthing that Tashlich is a great tradition. Plus, if you want to get into the spirit a little more, all of Elul is sort of a prelude to the Days of Awe: many shuls blow the shofar every day in Elul (except shabbat) and also read Psalm 27 as part of each service. So find a synagogue near you that observes this custom, and hear the horn in advance.
posted by goingonit at 1:01 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]

I've already consulted three rabbis about this, and you know the old joke--I wound up with four answers.

If four isn't enough, you could also ask here.
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:45 PM on July 23

If four isn't enough, you could also ask here.

No offense to Chabad (and to Ask the Rabbi, which often has incredibly interesting and useful information!) but this service would not be likely to give you a useful answer for this particular question. They might, however, detail many of the ways that you would be breaking "Jewish law" (as interpreted by them) by going to the wedding instead of spending all day in synagogue.
posted by goingonit at 2:55 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]

Speaking as a reform Jew, go to the wedding. Go to services the AM before. Or go to services the night before. Or the next day.
posted by charlesv at 5:36 PM on July 23

OP: I've already consulted three rabbis about this, and you know the old joke--I wound up with four answers.

OK, tell the truth- are you converting for the jokes?

Kidding aside, I would attend the wedding. Besides, you can just add skipping out to your congregations' tab on Yom Kippur. Personally, I stopped feeling like I was getting anything out of the high holidays sometime during college. That having been said, I'm culturally Jewish, but fairly areligious these days.
posted by JMOZ at 5:56 PM on July 23 [1 favorite]

You know, I am sort of of the opinion that one should go to weddings, especially of weddings of close friends. But, as I am planning my wedding (also on Rosh Hashanah) I would totally understand if one of my friends has some significant personal thing to do that day. I would probably make a point to celebrate with your friend at some point in the future though.
posted by sulaine at 6:14 PM on July 23

Despite what goingonit says, Chabad rabbis would probably be very good at finding a synagogue near you for the second day services or finding someone who will blow a shofar for you. You would be surprised at the number of hospitals and private homes that are visited by Chabad rabbis on Rosh Hashonah, just for this reason.
posted by Joe in Australia at 6:48 PM on July 23

So, I actually AM a fairly observant (liberal) Jew, and I would absolutely go to the wedding. There are degrees of observance that you can reach while still being part of the event, like making arrangements to hear the shofar or going for the second-day services. But to me it's a matter of acting with love and respect for your friend, and of not causing the bride and bridegroom any extra stress or sorrow.

As another note, if you've received different answers from the different rabbis, it may be worth considering which one you personally trust more and whose observance you most wish to follow. Although you seem to have made your choice on this issue, it could be a good guideline when you're trying to decide who to listen to in the future.
posted by Lady Li at 11:45 PM on July 23