Choose your own adventure...

July 23, 2009 9:11 AM

The Family Business: Have you left it? Please tell me about your experiences doing so. Especially if you were expected to be the one to carry it on after your parents' retirement/death.

I'd also be interested in takes on it from siblings/other family members who witnessed the aftermath of a child leaving the family business.

As discussed in my previous question, my SO is in the family business. He is an only child. What if he the only option when leaving the area is leaving the business?

I think he has been putting off having a talk with is "boss" because of, well, ... I wouldn't look forward to that talk either.

Can you please tell me how it went? What did you do (or what did the leaving party do) that made things better?

He is pretty close to his parents and I think that only makes it harder.

Feel free to memail if you don't want to discuss in the thread.

posted by sio42 to human relations (8 comments total)

My uncle left the family business that he co-owned with his brother and his cousin (got it from their 2 dads) 15 years ago to move to an entirely different state. He is certainly treated differently by them now. When he has troubles (especially financial) the family business remainers chalk it up to his bad decision to leave. BUT without a doubt he is much happier not working with his family and living in a different place. As far as what he said it was something like "I want to try something different and live somewhere else." Obviously this is different if one is the only child.

My own dad has a family business with his 2 brothers. NONE of us cousins have any interest in taking it over. None of us have worked there. Many of us have moved away. BUT there was never an expectation that we would either. So I guess I'd have to ask if there was an expectation that your SO would be involved?
posted by k8t at 11:27 AM on July 23

well, k8t, i think it's one of those things that has never been talked about, so tacit reasons abound.

i'm glad your uncle had a good experience as far as being happier where he ended up.

thanks for sharing! i was beginning to think no one had ever done this (at least not that any mefites had heard of!)
posted by sio42 at 11:35 AM on July 23

Oh wow. Here's my story.

Dad started a business in 1974 or thereabouts. It was a yearly struggle but flourished briefly in the nineties due to a big contract as an offshoot of national tobacco litigation (we were in document management). My sister worked there from 1990 or so until its current iteration. I worked there from 1997 to 2003.

I never enjoyed the business or the industry. From the first day I joined it was understood by the staff (which fluctuated from around 10 to 75 people) that I was being groomed along with my sister to take it over. For my first three years there I was going to grad school and pursuing a dot-com kind of thing as an off shoot of our core business...so I was plenty challenged and well compensated. When grad school and the dot-com thing ended in 2001 the job became very difficult for me, as I was totally unmotivated by the field.

I tried to quit twice but my Dad talked me out of it. The business barely scraped by while I was there (we had little to no sales effort and I wasn't helpful in that regard). I did very little work...I remember reading the word "sinecure" and looking it up and realized it described me to a T. It felt impossible to leave because my Dad regularly said that he loved coming to work every day and being around me and my sister. Almost daily (at least 3x per week) Dad brought me a great lunch that Mom had prepared for me. I'm talking bento boxes and carved roast beef sandwiches, etc. Really just an environment where they gave us everything except a passion for the work

Finally in early 2003, while on vacation taking a road trip with my sick and dying dog, I had my Yreka (sic) moment. The business was struggling and I was doing nothing to help it and drawing a fat check to boot. Basically my Dad was paying both my sister and I from his savings and I was giving him nothing in return. I remember sitting down in a bar in Yreka, CA and writing a totally heartfelt, 6 page resignation letter. I told him how much I loved him, and appreciated so much all he'd done, and I knew this was his dream for me to take it over, and I just wasn't happy, and etc etc etc. I could NOT BELIEVE how I felt after finishing...like I'd been reborn. I knew the second I'd finished writing it that I would give it to him and I would be gone and I could begin the process of my own professional growth doing my thing (which at the time was restaurants).

I cut the vacation short and planned my return to town on a Friday night so I could let myself in the office and leave the note for Dad to get on Saturday...then we'd talk about it Monday. It all went down pretty good. On Monday we talked with the door closed over coffee. He was genuinely sorry that I'd stayed as long as I had when I was so unhappy...I told him part of what made me unhappy was how I could not perform for him at any kind of level coming close to how well he was compensating me. We hugged and got sad a little but a couple weeks later I was gone and back bartending and lots of money went back to Dad's bottom line. It came as quite a shock to the staff. There was some juggling as some duties had to be reassigned. For the most part the business continued on as it had before I got there.

In 2005 Dad was diagnosed with cancer. He couldn't catch a break. Not one single thing the Doctors ever tried slowed the growth, and he passed away in March of 2006. At the time my sister was still office manager, the staff was about 20, sales were poor, and the sales "effort" was even worse. The business was in bad shape.

We had some family sit downs. Dad had taken out a home equity line of credit on his valuable, paid-for house. It was used for the business in some emergency situations, buying equipment, meeting payroll, etc. Expenses with the business were definitely higher than revenues and the line was being increasingly tapped. Mom agreed to give my sister one year to try and turn it around (I should add that Dad was sick for 7 or 8 months before passing but very little was really done to make plans for the future of the business - like most people in our situation we were sure he'd pull through until it was too late). After about 16 months under my sister the business was in bad shape. The balance on the line of credit had ballooned to an huge and very frightening amount. Monthly revenues were half of what they had been 6 years before. While Dad had been alive I had inserted myself into the scene to introduce him to a guy I knew who was a competitor in the same industry. I felt that the business was only worth something to a person who could save money by eliminating redundancies. We met with him while Dad was alive but never concluded anything. When the situation had gotten so desperate I contacted him again and we began a long, protracted negotiation to sell him the business.

We didn't get much. We basically got exactly what was owed on the line of credit, plus my sister got to keep her job with the new company. The process of selling the business was the MOST challenging, stressful, and ultimately rewarding thing I have ever accomplished. I felt like I totally stepped up and became the Dad in my family. I took care of my Mom's future and did everything I could to help my sister land gracefully.

Leaving the business was very difficult, and took a few false starts. But parent's dreams aren't always the kid's dreams. The parents want you there because they want you to succeed and flourish and be physically near them...I learned from my Dad that it brought him great comfort to have us there...and the business they started is one way for them to do that. But my parents anyway, once they knew I was unhappy, would support me in ANY endeavor that challenged me and brought me fulfillment. You say your SO is very close to his family and that makes it harder...it makes the conversation harder for sure but it also makes it more likely the family will be supportive and understanding. Good luck, I wish you the best.
posted by vito90 at 1:29 PM on July 23 [9 favorites]

vito90, your story is apropos to the question, comprehensive, and intimate (in a personal history kinda way.)

If I could quadruple favorite it, I would!!
posted by jbenben at 2:09 PM on July 23

I currently work in my family's business (jewelry, started by my now dead grandparents) while building my own side businesses. In fact, I'm working right now.

I've made it clear to my parents that when I don't have to work for the jewelry business, then I won't. They understand and haven't expressed any disappointment to me.
posted by cmoj at 2:37 PM on July 23

vito90 - thanks for sharing your story!

i hope it all goes the same for my SO - i guess it does just seem scary, but you're right - they will probably understand and be supportive!
posted by sio42 at 6:14 PM on July 23

My brother, sister-in-law and myself all worked for my dad's small company. Those two and I have rather different stories about our experience, and I hope that they will help give you a glimpse into the dynamics of another family business.

My brother and sister-in-law started working there right out of college and worked there for a year and a half before I started with the company. They had issues with the rather unstructured working environment and office politics got extremely nasty. Eventually, they and another employee were fired (a week before my wedding...sigh). My dad didn't want to do it, but he felt that these fresh grads needed to be taught a lesson and that if they weren't happy there, then he'd be the one to cut the cord. He still has hopes that my brother will eventually come back. Actually, I'm sure that he is confident that my brother will. I don't know what my brother thinks. I think that there is still bitterness there on both sides and even all this time later, my brother and his wife still decline to go to many family gatherings and things are often made into a big drama. That said, their moving on to new jobs was better for all of us. Dad was able to hire skilled people who actually wanted those jobs and my brother and sister-in-law were able to find their niche elsewhere. Over time, the wound will heal.

A year after they left, I was beginning to become overcome with guilt because I was drawing a fat paycheck and the company, which was beginning to struggle, wasn't getting much out of me. My skills just weren't utilized and I couldn't contribute in any other constructive way. I was only there because it was my dad's company. I started job hunting on the sly and was immediately offered a job. I didn't expect to succeed so fast, so my hand was forced and I had a quiet after-hours talk with my dad where I explained that an opportunity had come along that would challenge me, utilize my skills and allow me to move up in my career. He was extremely disappointed and sad, but he understood and knew that I was not going to have any of those benefits with his company.

One thing about my dad is that he's never stood in the way of any of my dreams. In fact, my parents have consistently been my biggest supporters. When I wanted to be an astronaut, they would take me out stargazing. When I wanted to be an archaeologist, they arranged for me to go visit a dig. So when "his little girl" shyly sat down in his office and said she wanted to go be a web developer, he asked if there was any way he could help. This was an extremely sweet and generous gesture which made me feel better about the whole situation.

It has been about five months since I left. I still do work on the side for them as needed, and I stay in contact with some of the employees. It's hard, because I know that the biggest part of my not working there is that he misses me being around. I try to make up for that by visiting often and staying in touch. Personally, I think our relationship is much better now that he's not my boss and we don't have that work baggage hanging over our heads anymore.

He is now almost 61 years old and I'm sure that the question of what will happen to his business is on his mind. He also runs our family farm, which I think matters a lot more to him than the business does, and my brother is still heavily involved in that. When it all comes down to it, I think if you asked my dad whether he'd rather see his children happy and successful in their chosen field or if he'd prefer that his company stay in our family, he would pick the first option without reservation. He has poured a lot of himself into his business, but the business was built around him. The business is my dad. I think that deep down we all know that unless my brother suddenly morphs into an identical clone of my dad, the business has little chance of carrying on as it is.

So, we'll see what happens. The economy may yet make it a moot point. I think that in time, when this kind of split happens, everyone eventually realizes that they are all better off for it. The whole awkward dynamic of business person to business person goes away and you can be a family again. For some, it takes more time than others, especially when a parent's expectations are crushed. Perhaps the only thing we can take away from that is the lesson that when we have children of our own, we must be supportive of their dreams and do our best not to pin our personal ambitions on them.
posted by bristolcat at 8:59 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

just an update...thanks everyone for you insights.

the convo went well and everything is just fine!
posted by sio42 at 8:43 AM on July 29 [1 favorite]