Crazy Mama Drama

July 22, 2009 4:46 PM

FamilyDramaFilter: My Ex has been receiving curiously specific messages from a new Facebook 'friend' regarding our breakup. All signs point to this person actually being my mom. After questioning her via email, I have been sent two denials, the last quite vociferous. I'm pretty sure she is lying. How should I proceed?

About two weeks ago, my girlfriend M and I decided to take a (probably) permanent break from our relationship. I told my mom about the development the following day, as she and M were relatively close and, well, she's my mom and I thought she should know. (For the record, I've really only talked to one other person once about this, but didn't go into much detail at that time.)

Shortly thereafter, M was friended on Facebook by a girl named Jen that she doesn't know/remember, who immediately posted a few comments and status updates that seemed kind of fishy. M called to see if I was behind it and, after I quickly reminded her that I in fact wasn't still in the 8th grade, gave me the rundown. Unfortunately, we both agreed that it appeared like it could be the work of my slightly wacky mother. Here's a rundown of some of the aspects of this that seem suspicious:


* No pictures, minimal personal info.

* The only friends this girl (who grew up in the same East Coast state as us, and now lives in NY) has added are M, M's younger sister, and random male friend of M from our current Midwestern city of residence. No one knows who she is.

* The girl in question posted a few status updates concerning the fact that her and her boyfriend were on a break. She also made a few comments on M's profile that suggested a knowledge that ran deeper than that of a 'chance encounter in a bar two years ago' (nothing hurtful or mean, just too specific), but would be known to my mom.

* M messaged her to get some info. Jen claims she met M once in a bar two years ago in the East Coast city we grew up in, while M was out with a friend. She doesn't remember the name of the bar or the name of M's friend, but she apparently did remember M's full name clearly enough to find her on Facebook.

* Jen also said that they talked a lot about culinary school. Her profile states that she graduated from a culinary institute in '03, and that at the bar M was asking her questions about her experience as well as expressing an interest in attending herself. M started culinary school earlier this month, but definitely was not talking about it two years ago.

* Her 'interested in' list includes a new airline company that caters exclusively to flying one's pets. My mom and I have talked a number of times recently about the possibility of using this service for my trip to visit home later this summer.

* Her writing reads like my mom's.



In other words, something is definitely not right with the situation, whoever is behind it. I felt the above pointed sufficiently to my mom, though, and so sent the following email:


"I know you're just trying to be a good mom and everything, but M has been getting some strange messages on Facebook recently that were a little too specific to be coincidence. If you created an account, even with my best interest in mind, delete it and stop messaging her. Doing that isn't appropriate, and it is not ok with me."



I tried to be firm, but not overly accusatory. Maybe I was too strong, I don't know, but I just wanted her to get the message that the jig was up.

In any event, as I said I've since received two denials, the first short (to which I didn't reply), the second longer and much stronger. She claims that I have "hurt her more than I could ever know," that I apparently must think she is a "horrible person," and that she thought her and M were friends "but I guess not." She also added that "if I think this little of [her], maybe [I] shouldn't bother visiting this summer."

To me, this is a classic 'the lady doth protest too much' situation. She's going all in with the denial, yet I feel in reality she's trying to bluff me, but can't prove it. Honestly, the whole situation is so weird and exasperating and embarrassing that I just want it to go away, and would have been more than happy to forget it if she hadn't escalated things by being so over-the-top.

Nevertheless, though I can't prove my suspicion beyond the shadow of a doubt, I'm still perturbed that she would actually do something this juvenile (even if the intent wasn't malicious), and angry that she would lie to me about it.


So how should I proceed? Do I have a right to stick to my guns and call her bluff, or should I apologize and let it drop?

posted by camneely to human relations (21 comments total)

It's probably best if your ex just blocks "Jen" and doesn't add anyone she doesn't know from now on. Your mom's being a bit of a drama queen if this is her doing, but she knows that you know, so there's not much point in her continuing once blocked. You don't need a confession out of her - you mostly just need it to stop, right?
posted by katillathehun at 4:50 PM on July 22, 2009 [7 favorites]

I'd just stop talking to her about it altogether - it doesn't seem to be getting you very far. After you contact the Facebook authorities to disable the account, since you know that it's fraudulent.
posted by jabberjaw at 4:51 PM on July 22, 2009

Stay out of it and let your crazy Mama have her drama. It's not your problem, as long as M knows it isn't you that's behind it.
posted by nowonmai at 4:52 PM on July 22, 2009

You've broken up with M. M doesn't have to answer "Jen's" questions. M can unfriend "Jen" at any time she chooses. You say your mother is "wacky."

The best route here, as long as you and M are coordinating efforts, is for M to unfriend "Jen" and be done with this whole mess.

Yes, it's probably your mother, but you've admitted she's wacky, so why is it so important to "stick to your guns"? I wouldn't apologize, but I would let it drop.

Just before reading your question, I had just sent an e-mail to my sister complaining that Facebook has a way of causing otherwise mature, well-meaning adults to act like junior high school students.
posted by jayder at 4:52 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

Why are these people accepting friend requests on Facebook from someone they don't know? First thing to do is block "Jen" and then I'd just cool the contact with your mother for awhile. If she's this wacky (and sorry, but this is seriously wacky) there's probably no point in making a huge deal out of it. If she's being this defensive, hopefully she has at least received the message that you're upset about the situation.
posted by meerkatty at 4:52 PM on July 22, 2009 [3 favorites]

I think you're overthinking this. Why can't M just de-friend this facebook-friend who (1) she doesn't know in the first, (2) is getting weird messages from, and (3) is almost certainly your mother acting inappropriately? If you mom decides to talk to you about it after that, then you can proceed from there. If your mom never mentions it again, then you can all pretend it never happened. Picture me swishing my hands together in the universal sign for washed-up-and-done.
posted by brozek at 4:53 PM on July 22, 2009

The whole thing about M unfriending "Jen" is obvious, but it doesn't solve the issue of what the OP should do regarding his mom, since presumably he doesn't want her to intrude in his life like this again. And I think that is what he's asking - how to proceed with his mom.

The jig is in fact up for your mom and she knows it, since you confronted her about it.

Pressing the issue probably will just exacerbate the situation since it looks like your mom believes in fully committing to denying involvement. Throwing in emotionally manipulative things like "don't bother to visit" are her attempt to deflect and turn things around on you.

Whether or not you should apologize, pretend you were wrong, or anything like that is really up to you and how much you want to just move on and pretend this didn't happen. But I suspect that now that she knows it's not so hard for you to blow her cover, hopefully she won't try a stunt like this again. If she does, it might help to come with her with more conclusive proof. Personally, that is the route I'd take (pretend, hope, counter with proof if it happens again).
posted by DrGirlfriend at 5:07 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

And I think that is what he's asking - how to proceed with his mom.

Drop it and never mention it again--even if there is some future situation just like this one and you're tempted to bring this incident up. She got the message. Now don't say a word about it; not even an apology.
posted by The World Famous at 5:12 PM on July 22, 2009

Especially not an apology. Your email was completely appropriate. Just put your fingers in your ears and go la la la, and let her drama storm blow over.
posted by ottereroticist at 5:17 PM on July 22, 2009

don't include your mother in sharing personal information like this in the future.... she doesn't handle it well
posted by HuronBob at 5:34 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

Maybe you should send the mysterious profile a friend request and then flirt ("I remember you at the bar...if you're on a break, why don't we get together? My parents are going to be out of town, so we can use their house..." Let M know you think it's your mom and you're just doing it for fun.)
posted by anniecat at 5:35 PM on July 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

Well, my ex-boyfriend's mom kept contacting me after we broke up. She insisted she wanted me to be her friend and that she'd be good for me as a friend. My ex, at this point (it'd been 2 years since we'd broken up and she contacted me out of the blue over IM) had a new girlfriend and I asked if she shouldn't be talking to her instead? She said "oh forget (his new girlfriend). I want to talk to you." She said there was just something about me that she wanted to be my friend. I didn't know whether to be freaked out or flattered. (More freaked out than anything.) Her son had told her I was in therapy (for unrelated reasons) and she said I must not have a good therapist if I was still in therapy (she didn't even know how long I'd been in therapy for) and she had been around the block and could be like a therapist to me.

What I did was call my ex and make him tell his mom to knock it off and leave me alone, and blocked her on all IM services. So yeah, have ex-gf block her. As far as your mom, don't apologize. She may have been trying to keep your ex as a friend, or trying in a weird way to say goodbye if they were close, but it's definitely creepy. I was creeped out when my ex's mom did the above. I really think if she didn't do it she wouldn't be so hurt by the accusation... she'd have just said "nope it's not me." It's really your choice if you want to push the issue further... you can and risk more of her anger if you're ready to handle that, or you can let it slide for now and see if it ever happens again.
posted by IndigoRain at 5:42 PM on July 22, 2009

What everyone else is saying: De-friend & block "Jen" and don't friend anyone unless you know who they are and actually *want* to have contact with them.

Don't mention the issue again to mother. If she brings it up for any reason, just shrug it off "as one of those things, no, we never got to the bottom of it, we don't really care to be honest". I also do not think you should apologise to her unless you get clear proof she isn't behind this. If she continues to be indignant, maybe saying something like"sorry you got caught up in this drama and your feelings got hurt" might allow her to save a little face and move on without actually letting her get away with it.
posted by goshling at 5:49 PM on July 22, 2009

Damn, you guys are quick. Thanks for the speedy replies!

@jayder: In the end, it's not terribly important to me to "stick to my guns" and call her bluff. Beyond its possible utility in heading off any future intrusions, my desire to react that way probably stemmed from a bit of petulance that accompanied my anger. I agree with you, and pretty much everyone else, that dropping it is likely a sensible plan of action.

@anniecat: I like your style! If I hadn't previously forsworn the evils of Facebook, and actually had a profile, I think I would have some fun with your idea.
posted by camneely at 5:55 PM on July 22, 2009

It is totally possible to be friend's with your ex's mom. I am, on Facebook and in real life, and he knows about it and wasn't thrilled but didn't protest too much since we cooled it for a while immediately following the breakup. But this is really strange.

I'd tell M to handle it however she feels appropriate (call out "Jen" or just block her or just ignore her), and I wouldn't bring it up to her again. But I'd be careful about sharing personal information with her going forward.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 5:58 PM on July 22, 2009

Not that I'd ever encourage such a thing, but if you want certainty and your Mum is anything like my Mum, who despite my best efforts, doesn't entirely grasp the concept of secure passwords then logging into the account shouldn't be too hard. But even if you were 100% sure as opposed to the 99% you are now, the advice here is right, she knows you know, she'll knock it off and your ex oughta unfriend her.
posted by IanMorr at 6:11 PM on July 22, 2009

I don't think it's productive to say anything more to your Mom - with the "you must think I'm a horrible person!" it seems she knows she has done something wrong and is embarrassed about being caught, defensive, and looking for an excuse to justify her actions to herself. Anything more you could say will just give her fuel, so let it go.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 6:19 PM on July 22, 2009

Even if you ransacked her computer and found caches proving that your Mom is mystery friend X, what would your next move be?

Busting delusional people openly has a tendency to reinforce their worldview through denial.
posted by benzenedream at 6:47 PM on July 22, 2009

camneely: After questioning her via email, I have been sent two denials, the last quite vociferous. I'm pretty sure she is lying. How should I proceed?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're doing too much thinking on too little information.

It may or may not have been your mother. Really, the key issue (in my mind) is this: this isn't something you can even get close to resolving via email. Email—electronic communication via totally detached words, without even handwriting to indicate tone or tenor—is very good for some things; it's very bad for other things. One of the things it's bad for is calling people out or catching them in little lies.

Call her. Talk to her. Since you've already asked her point-blank, and she refused, the best way to approach her this time would probably be the method cops use: take a sympathetic stance and get her to admit to her motive (“How are you? Listen, I know you and M were really close…I'm sure she won't mind if you want to call her or get in touch with her, and I don't mind either…it's tough to lose somebody close to you like that, and I know you might be wondering some things about how it all went down…”)—and, if she won't admit to doing it, you'll at least get an idea of whether she was the one, primarily based on her tone and her way of answering your questions. Either way, it's a good, gentle way to talk to her about it.
posted by koeselitz at 8:15 PM on July 22, 2009

You already busted her, just let it go. One day you and your mom will be able to look back on this and laugh.
posted by hermitosis at 8:57 PM on July 22, 2009

camneely, I know this is difficult to believe, but it is possible that the facebook person is NOT your Mother. There were times in my life when I was 100% CERTAIN about things about my Mother and later (much much later) I found out that I had been completely in error. That was a shock--I was stunned! (When you have a wacky Mother you tend to be very certain of things---and not surprisingly so)...but seriously--you only suspect and this is not for sure. If it is true---you have busted her and put her on notice. If it is not true your Mother will be irked with your insisting that she is doing things that she is not doing. This is a great time to simply drop the allegations and see what happens.
posted by naplesyellow at 11:05 PM on July 22, 2009