How can I tell if I really want to date somebody, or I just want their attention? [i apologize for rambling, inside]
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Seems like a simple question. "If you wanted to date them, you would." My last relationship was all getting together-breaking up, repeat, because when I started dating that girl, I'm pretty sure I didn't really want to. I was just extremely lonely from having not had anyone in my life for so long. In the end, I still felt awful breaking up with her... surely we must have had some kind of bond by then, but 2 months after the last break up, I was pretty much ok.
Now I feel like I'm in a similar situation - I do like this girl, but for the first couple months I knew her, wasn't really attracted to her. Purposely tried to not spend a whole lot of time with her, and did not do one thing to mislead her into thinking I wanted anything but platonic stuff. No touchy feely, not lots of solo dates. After about 3 months of seeing her on and off at social things, mostly in groups, she told me she had a crush on me. I waved her off and stuck with the 'just friends for now' thing. However, about 3 months after that, I started spending more and more time with her when my health took a dive. I had been depressed from the health stuff, and umotivated to do alot on my own, proactively, so she kept contacting me saying "let's do this or that", and it was way preferable to hang out with her and do stuff than to sit at home and not want to do solo things.
My health stuff has been scanned and gone over with a lot of detail, and I'm getting that taken care of as best I can. Apparently this stuff going on for so many months and not getting a decent diagnosis has been taking a toll, since my sleep started getting erratic for the first time in my life, ever. Bad enough that I went to do a sleep study, and seek psychiatric assistance. I am not currently on any medication and don't have a history of needing much in that arena, although I come from a typically nervous line of folks in my family. : )
But a few weeks ago, after we hung out again, we finally did some light physical stuff, after which we both just went home to our respective beds. In the middle of the night I woke up super anxious and feeling extremely guilty that I had even alllowed that to occur.
Now while I realize I probably need therapy (been on the hunt for decent therapist for a while now, seen a few) about health stuff and whatnot, to me that was a clear sign that some part of me does not want to date her because it does not feel 'right'.
Since that occurred, and we talked about this, it is clear she is finally starting to reduce attention she gives me and not proactively contact me so much, even though she clearly still wants to be friends. I don't see how it can be easy for her, having given me so many chances to take the reigns, so to speak, and finally this.
Anyway, now that her spotlight on me, so to speak, is receding, I am having that awful anxious feeling you get like when somebody breaks up with you, and you don't want them to date somebody else - even though we have never actually 'dated'.
I want to say I feel like the problem is that I am in a bad place emotionally right now, and that I need SOMebody, and not her in particular, but I am not certain. The two of us discussed this and I told her (maybe stupidly?) that I really wanted to be able to say I wanted to date HER, and not just her because she is around and available.
I realize there's a ton of people that would say "stop overanalyzing, dumbass, and give it a shot", but I am wary of repeating the last dating experience I had. I have dated someone before where I felt really certain of it and good from the get go, and while that did not last, it did last 6 years! So, it seems like a bad idea to start something when you don't even feel right about a person to start with, no?
Vote yea or nay in the comments, please, MeFites, and why. Yeah I know I have to decide for myself, but I really seem stuck here.