Commitment

December 11, 2004 7:22 PM

How do you help somoene terrified of committment get through their fears and into the relationship you think you both were meant for?

This might just be a general "what's the best way to approach someone with emotional baggage" question; be sympathetic, caring and understanding or trying to help them get over it? I know what it is that causes this for him/her but I don't know how to best make them understand I'm not trying to "fix" them when I approach it.
posted by anonymous to human relations (10 comments total)

"Be sympathetic, caring, and understanding"

This is a must as no matter what you try to do, it'll most likely seem to him/her that, regardless of your intentions, you ARE trying to 'fix' them. The 'problem' really is his/hers and any solutions have to come from within.

Accept them as they are and give them a secure and safe environment to work the problems through on their own. It'll probably take a while - don't look for quick fixes or solutions. A lot of introspection will be needed on his/her part.

On the other hand, this person may think that there's nothing wrong and thus nothing to 'fix'.

Good luck.
posted by aedra at 7:54 PM on December 11, 2004

Relationships take time. Make sure that you don't push them or rush them into anything. Make sure you go at their pace as much as possible.
posted by Arch Stanton at 7:59 PM on December 11, 2004

. . . and into the relationship you think you both were meant for?

That bit gave me pause. It makes me ask whether the person in question feels the same way as you do (meant for this relationship, yadda yadda) but is terrified of commitment, or whether this person does not feel the same way because of a fear of commitment. In other words, is this person on the same wavelength as you are on this subject, or are you blaming the fear of commitment as the reason why s/he is not on the same wavelength? (Erm. Was that clear?)

Obviously my usual method of responding to questions by asking even more questions doesn't work for anonymous AskMe questions, but I hope you can see why I'm asking. Because there's a big difference between the two scenarios I've outlined above.
posted by mcwetboy at 8:13 PM on December 11, 2004

How do you help somoene terrified of committment get through their fears and into the relationship you think you both were meant for?

Really, you can't. And the more you attempt to force the issue, no matter how gently, the more trapped the person will feel. Some things people need to learn on their own, and no amount of "help" on your part, no matter how well-intentioned, will make any difference at all. It sucks, but there it is. Or, y'know, maybe s/he's just not that into you.
posted by astruc at 9:14 PM on December 11, 2004

Talk about it a lot first. In fact, prepare for a lot of talking quite often. (If the aforementioned is female, that is. Perhaps not so much if male. Thank God for the male tendency to hush up every once in a while.) Make it clear that you really like him/her and evaluate your own thoughts - is commitment absolutely necessary? More importantly: can you deal with the baggage? Really think about that last one. You might say you can, but give some thought to your own emotional needs, patience, etc. This sounds a bit cold, but it would be much better to back away now than to realize after you've finally gained his/her trust that you can't handle it. Dealing with someone else's baggage is fucking hard.

I'd advise being very friendly and generally trustworthy for quite some time. Enough time for both of you to consider it all.
posted by honeydew at 9:19 PM on December 11, 2004

Always bear in mind, he may not actually be a committment-phobe... it's entirely possible that he's just not that into you.
posted by jonson at 9:36 PM on December 11, 2004

Every time I've known a girl with "emotional baggage", it involved elaborate and obviously made up stories so that she could have an excuse not to go out with me.

That probably doesn't help much.
posted by borkingchikapa at 10:25 PM on December 11, 2004

Just make sure you don't turn into his / her therapist.
posted by Space Coyote at 2:08 AM on December 12, 2004

There are a lot of reasons why someone is afraid to commit and your job at this point is to try and figure out why. Worst case scenario: s/he won't be able to figure out why.

There are other possibilities besides s/he is just not into you. There is also the "been badly burnt in the past" reason. There is the low self-esteem reason. There is the possibility s/he cannot trust his/her own feelings.

If it is a case of low self-esteem or a bad past, that will require lots of reassurance. Sometimes lots and lots of reassurance, to the point of nearly driving you mad. But that may be the "test" you have to pass.

If it is a case of the person not being able to figure out his/her own feelings, then the only cure is time and commitment from you. Separation can sometimes clarify the situation, but that can be a big gamble.

Good Luck
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:07 AM on December 12, 2004

Nobody is 'meant for' a relationship with anybody else. Call it what it is: you are more interested in a serious relationship than the person you're talking about. I think that borkingchikapa and jonson have it quite clearly, whether they're kidding or not.
posted by bingo at 7:57 AM on December 12, 2004