How long to bounce back?

July 21, 2009 4:34 PM

Meltdownfilter: after some traumas I finally fell apart and I'm scared about what, and how long it will take to recover.

I had a series of difficult life events happen over the last year including bereavement, stressful new job, and major (unexpected) surgery during my second year in a big new city with no support network. I've also been in an LDR but I got to the end of my tether and said I couldn't do the LDR thing anymore so SO got a job in my new city and is moving here in a month. He's really excited, but I worry how he'll cope with the city. We plan to get a place together at the end of my lease in November. I've also been studying part-time for a demanding subject, and trying to keep my grades up alongside full time work (I was 3/4 time before) is much harder than I'd anticipated.

I noticed myself becoming more withdrawn over the past six months but brushed it off as just needing lots of study time. However, things came to a head recently and I was signed off work for a while after falling apart in my boss's office. I've now been disgnosed with mild depression by my GP and I'm scared. So much needs to change, and I'm not sure how to get strong enough to do this. The doctor is very kind and understanding, she offered me anti-depressants but I'm not sure I want medication, I'm afraid of getting into a cycle of dependancy. I'm also worried for my SO - he's been very supportive, but he does have a fear of depression (a family member suffered very bad depression when he was younger and it has very negative connotations for him). I don't want to have to tell work about this either as they're experiencing a really tough time right now and need staff to be fully with it. Even though (up til now) I've been appreciated by my boss I know the job is a bad fit for me, but I don't feel strong enough to start a new one right now. I do have around 6-8 months of living expenses saved but the whole reason I took this job was to be able to get some funds together and I don't want to blow it all. If my SO wasn't coming here I would just quit my job and return to our former small city to live cheaply for three months whilst I sort myself out. But that's not really an option right now. I feel panicky and trapped and also that I've totally let both my boss and my SO down when they really need me. I'm scared to tell my friends/family what's going on. I don't really know why.

I have an appointment with a therapist this week, but I'm feeling slightly panicked about what to say. I'm really, really confused. Does anyone have any perspective? Thanks.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (7 comments total)

You may be panicking because lots of solutions are happening at once (your SO is moving to be with you, your GP gave you a diagnosis of depression, you've booked a visit to a therapist). It sounds as if you've come a long way in taking care of yourself, so give yourself a pat on the back for that.

My husband is very similar to your SO in that he has mental illness and depression in his family, but he hates to have to think about it or deal with it in others (namely, me). Can you just express your feelings to him as being overwhelmed with work, study, and living alone in the big city? He may understand that better. I'm sure he will be supportive while you start therapy and figuring out what you want to do for a job.

Good luck!
posted by vickyverky at 4:54 PM on July 21

There are no right or wrings things to say to your therapist, as long as they are the truth. If you are having a hard time explaining yourself, your therapist will know how to steer you in the right direction, or ask the questions you need to get you thinking in the right way.

Don't stress about going to therapy. It's their job to help you figure out what you need to say -- figuring out what you need to say is half the point of therapy.
posted by crickets at 5:22 PM on July 21

I have an appointment with a therapist this week, but I'm feeling slightly panicked about what to say.

Therapy is a process, not a one-time fix; don't worry about getting everything out perfectly the first time. You could start by telling the therapist exactly what you've told us here - what has happened in the last little while to land you in your current situation, and what you hope to gain from the therapy. Bring notes, if you like. If your therapist is worth their salt, they'll ask questions to draw you out further.
posted by Phire at 5:44 PM on July 21

I understand that some people prefer to go on anti-depressants, but you might want to consider them. Your depression sound pretty situational, and they might give you the push you need to start some changes along with your therapy.

I went through a similar thing a few years ago - although I was fortunate enough to have my break down in my doctor's office, having gone in for another matter. I never told my work, or my family, and only confided in friends once I had things under control. (I'm not suggesting that this is your best option wrt to friends though - it's useful to let someone in).

I did go on medication, although for the first few days the fact that I was on anti-depressants seemed almost as upsetting as the problems themselves. But they made me feel better enough to start addressing some of the issues that had been contributing to the problem. Once I started talking some control of those things that I could change and started making an effort to add things to my life that would relieve the stress (exercise, yoga, healthy eating), everything else seemed more manageable. I stayed on the medication for about ten months - and, under my doctors supervision, weaned myself off of them once I felt like things had changed enough to get my life back on track.

Who knows if I'll ever end up needing to take them again, but I certainly haven't entered into any sort of cycle of dependency, and they were an important tool in me getting my life back. Having said that, I realize that they aren't the right answer for everyone, but don't automatically rule them out just because you're scared of them.
posted by scrute at 5:49 PM on July 21

Given the list of major stresses you described on top of one another your state sounds incredibly normal to me. These feelings of panic, of confusion, of being trapped, of being afraid to communicate what you're going through to others - these are the condition you're suffering from.

A few thoughts:

1. Given what you're going through I'd expect you to discuss suspending or dialing back on school for a while as one of your options. I realize this could be something you're very reluctant to do for various reasons but a crisis is a crisis and you should put that option on the table.
2. Please think about who among your friends and family you could start working on opening up to. Adding isolation to this kind of normal personal struggle makes it worse.
3. How to deal with this at work is hard to know - there are a lot of depression + work threads on AskMe to ponder answers from, though. The general wisdom on disclosure around here tends to trend towards "don't disclose," but I don't know - I was always up-front about issues like this at work (mainly to not have to pussy foot around therapy scheduling issues) and it was basically fine. Everybody knows or is somebody dealing with panic attacks, depression, whatever these days. Again, what you are dealing with is normal. Depending on the type of environment and your relationship with your boss it might help to be up front, however. It's not like it isn't clear at work that you're struggling with a difficult personal time anyway. Of course you are not obligated to disclose anything you want to keep to yourself.
4. It is okay to put off medication. The efficacy of meds on non-major depression is pretty iffy in my opinion anyway. I think GPs tend to be a little loose prescribing them. Personally I think talking to a therapist first and a psychiatrist if you later decide to try medication as a component of treatment is preferable. In any event, these drugs often involve side effects and sometimes difficult withdrawal so approaching them cautiously is wise.
5. It sounds like your boyfriend is fine, I think your worries about him don't need to be a focus right now, that's probably mostly just more of the worried about everything.
6. Just tell your therapist the truth about what's been going on in your life and what you're feeling. It's this persons job and training to help people in situations just like yours to sort things out.
posted by nanojath at 6:02 PM on July 21

May I suggest that you're also physically tired? Given all that's been going on, I'd agree with previous comments about your depression perhaps being situational. I don't know how long ago your surgery was, but I do know that recovery from the anethestic can take a while and that some people have as many problems with that as they do with the surgery itself. It can leave you physically drained. You're carrying a double load, have little/no immediate support, have had a very hard year, and the extra stress/excitement of having your SO move to join you. It's exhausting to think about. Regardless of what the current version of you-can-have/do-it-all is, the human body can only take so much.

I'd say give it a year to get your body back to normal (even though you're young and healthy), go to talk to someone before trying the meds as no one seems able to predict who gets mild side effects and who gets to suffer, and see if you can work a bit more rest into your schedule. Not necessarily sleep, but gazing at the stars type of rest so you rest your mind and body. Perhaps do a bit of meditating so you don't spend the rest time with your mind squirreling away at unresolved problems?
posted by x46 at 6:08 AM on July 22

Nthing pretty much everything nanojath said.

I'll add a couple thoughts, as I was once in a similar situation and still suffer from pretty severe depression, which I have slowly come to manage (mostly...).

1) Not to sound really cliche, but you've already done the hard part! You've recognized the issue and taken the right steps to help yourself. You'd be surprised how hard this part really is.

2) You shouldn't feel AT ALL nervous about your therapy appointment. Its the job of a therapist to deal with exactly this, and there's really no such thing as 'not knowing what to say' to your therapist. But keep in mind that sometimes you don't gel with a certain therapist and you might have to look for a different one, and that therapy is indeed a process and not an over-night fix.

3) As far as anti-depressants? Well, if your depression is not to severe and if you feel its pretty situational, there's no need to rush into them. They saved my life, but they're not right for everyone. Be open with your doc about your concerns about this.

4) Work. Read the other threads. I work in a pretty open environment, and if it stuff doesn't come out during the work day, it has a tendency to after the second cocktail after work. This all really depends on where and with whom you work.

5) Lastly, don't be depressed about being depressed. Be kind and patient with yourself. You've had a crazy year and we are a fragile species.
posted by Lutoslawski at 9:25 AM on July 22