Sexual relations problem. A little NSFW but not explicit.

July 21, 2009 10:03 AM

Sexual relations problem. A little NSFW but not explicit.

I'm a man in my mid-thirties, and single (been this way for a few years). I met a great girl who I connected with strongly on an intellectual and emotional level. We became intimate in a sweet way -- holding hands, kissing, hugging, tickling. Unfortunately, when we moved to the bedroom, the sex didn't work. Put simply, I became excited, but I couldn't keep it up for penetration. At no time did I get fully hard. However, we both enjoyed being naked with each other, and enjoyed the usual other stuff.

Has anybody else had this happen? To be honest, I just couldn't get turned on. I can get fully hard on my own, if you know what I mean. On paper it looked like a dead cert because I do find her attractive. Is it best to walk away from this kind of situation? Or can it be overcome? If so, how?

posted by anonymous to human relations (25 comments total)

...you might want to add a throw away gmail.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:05 AM on July 21

Has anybody else had this happen?

Almost everyone else has had this happen. Especially when you haven't been having partnered sex for a long time.

See how things go, and don't put any expectations on yourself. No pressure--if fucking happens, it happens, and if heavy petting or whatever happens, it happens. If you really don't pressure yourself, things should, er, straighten out as you get more comfortable and relaxed with your partner.

If after a few encounters you're still having issues, maybe see a doctor and possibly a urologist. But this is SO not a big deal.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:07 AM on July 21

You might like this article, What I Learned from Lesbian Sex. It's written from the woman's perspective but I think the lessons are universal.
posted by muddgirl at 10:11 AM on July 21 [6 favorites has favorites]

Try it again--with the assumption that the excitement factor will go down. To get her in the mood for another go, tell her to stop being so damn sexy.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:16 AM on July 21

These are two primary and common causes for this problem:

Anxiety. You've heard all about it. You maybe think you aren't feeling it. The fear of failure can be a real killer. You may not even realize you are having anxiety about sexual performance.

Physically, there can be a few things as well. Hypertension will make it difficult to sustain an erection. Viagra and other drugs work by lowering blood pressure, just FYI. Or you might have something genuinely physically wrong.

Go see a doctor, seriously.

That being said, here's some easy advice. Exercise. Yeah, I know. But get that blood pressure down. Alos, if you are having body-image issues, this can help, but it takes time.

Exercise can help reduce anxiety in general. This can be a very complicated issue, though. Anxiety can come from a lot of different places.

Try this: lay down on the bed. Put your partner in charge. Let her (or him) do everything they can to please you, and only you. Don't try to reciprocate. Allow yourself to feel the good feelings and to enjoy them for yourself. Be selfish for a moment. Let things happen to you.

Yeah it can be overcome. There are a lot of ED (erectile dysfunction) advice sites out there. At your age, and if there is no physical damage to your junk, you should not have a problem. It happens.

But really, don't be afraid to go see a doctor. Sex issues can be tough on a relationship.
posted by Xoebe at 10:16 AM on July 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

Also, I wonder if this is your first time either trying penetrative sex with a condom or trying it without a condom. In my (somewhat limited) experience, some men get easily flustered by the difference in sensation.
posted by muddgirl at 10:16 AM on July 21

Not your first time ever, but your first time in a long while...
posted by muddgirl at 10:17 AM on July 21

It's extremely common with new partners - especially when there's a high level of sexual tension and you've built up a hell of a lot of anticipation in your head about it being some "big event".

Walk away if you want to, but chances are it's not nearly as big a deal to this woman as it is to you and that the problem will resolve itself if you take some of the pressure off and just let what happens happen. If it is a big deal to this woman and she's making you feel bad about it, then definitely walk but otherwise just accept that nothing in life goes perfectly every time and don't worry about it unless it keeps being an issue over a period of time.
posted by Lolie at 10:17 AM on July 21

Dude, cut yourself some slack!

One piece of advice would be getting together with her some more times but keeping your clothes on. See if this helps your pants get bigger and maybe it'll lessen your anxiety when you do decide to give it a try again.
posted by fantasticninety at 10:30 AM on July 21

Yes this happens all the time to people. You don't need to see a doctor until this becomes a persistent problem.
posted by P.o.B. at 10:32 AM on July 21

I'm making assumptions here, so I hope you won't be offended, but maybe lay off the porn and your "alone time" for a couple days, and see if that helps.
posted by sambosambo at 10:36 AM on July 21

I dated a guy once who also had problems keeping it up during sex; while we did break up after a couple months, sex was absolutely NOT the reason. There are other appendages you can use, after all, so you can always find your way around that. (Actually, my only sexual regret with that guy was that he wasn't into oral sex either...and he was a trumpet player, so I can only IMAGINE what I missed out on *sigh*.)

I'm seeing people weigh in on both sides of the see a doctor/don't see a doctor argument, so I'll tell you what my own doctor said at the time when I talked to her about this. She said that there was one big clue to help you decide whether this was a physical problem or not -- whether or not you get full-on erections in your sleep. And one way to check on that is -- I kid you not -- just get a roll of postage stamps, and right before you go to bed, make yourself a loose little, erm, "cock ring" out of them -- wrap them around the base of your penis when it's flaccid, then go on ahead to sleep. If you wake up and the ring is broken, that means you got an all-out erection in your sleep, which means that the physical side of things is probably working just fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:39 AM on July 21 [2 favorites has favorites]

Empress, do you lick the stamps and actually apply them or just wrap loosely and hope they stay in place?

Inquiring minds and all that...
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 10:57 AM on July 21 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yes, of course, this happens to everyone. There's lots of good advice in here for you to try, but honestly, there's a good chance the problem will go away on its own as you and your lady friend get better acquainted and more comfortable around each other.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:58 AM on July 21

Forgot to mention that one thing I've found in these situations is that it seems less likely to happen with early morning erections - maybe because they're just there when you wake up and your brain doesn't have time to over-think things.
posted by Lolie at 11:01 AM on July 21

do you lick the stamps and actually apply them or just wrap loosely and hope they stay in place?

I never actually got to try this (we broke up before I could suggest it) -- but I'm assuming you just lick the one stamp that overlaps to the other end of the ring and closes it. (Actually, the fact that we're talking about postage stamps that you lick gives a good idea of how long ago this was....)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:02 AM on July 21

Anon, you're getting to the point in your life where it's not that unusual. If she's the same age as you, she's at her sexual peak--and yours occurred at around eighteen, about half your life ago. Especially if you've had a dry spell for a few years, and before that had a partner that was used to your sexual idiosyncrasies (and you to hers), you may have slipped out of that part of your life where you got wood whenever the wind blowed without realizing it. You can get an erection on your own because you are in complete control of the situation and can bring in your favorite fantasies, porn, lube, pillow etc. to help your little soldier stand at attention. With another person, not so much.

Now, yes, you could set up an appointment with your doctor to check it out, and a lot of guys will simply go with the little blue pill or its competitors and consider it problem solved. Or, depending on your relationship with your sweetie, you can work out a routine that will help you achieve and maintain an erection, although this requires frank and constant communication and feedback. A, uh, good friend of mine had the same problem until his girlfriend said, more in frustration than in anger, "You know, I can't read your mind, and that includes the little head."
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:26 AM on July 21

To be honest, I just couldn't get turned on.

I assume this means you couldn't maintain an erection but that emotionally you were "into it." If so, then it's totally normal, like really normal. A lot of people find that for some completely counterintuitive reason when they're rarin' to go with a new partner is exactly the time when they can't. Women are used to this happening from time to time and it's no big deal. If it continues, I'd see a doc but I'd give it a few more times. In the meantime, other people's advice is great: try morning sex, don't overdo it on alcohol/drugs, masturbate a little less, do other sexy stuff and don't obsess over it.
posted by jessamyn at 11:57 AM on July 21

i would say 2/3 of my male partners have had this problem with me at one time or another. i'd assume with the other 1/3 we didn't have sex enough for this to manifest. "it happens to all the guys" is not a cliche, it's just the way it is. over thinking it is the absolute worst thing you can do in this situation. next time you guys make it into the bedroom, go in fully believing that she is the only one getting off. don't stop her from touching you or exciting you, but in your brain focus all your energies to her bits and her sounds and none to your cock. it might take one or two times of this, but unless there's a physical problem (which it doesn't sound like there is), this should all work itself out.
posted by nadawi at 2:07 PM on July 21

Great suggestions so far:
-Doctor
-Dealing with anxiety (exercise?)

One was briefly mentioned that I want to echo: give rightie a rest. When it comes to sex, masturbation can be bad conditioning.
Mentally, masturbating is conditioning yourself to get excited by cues that are not a live sexual situation.
Physically, masturbating is conditioning yourself to ejaculate from stimulation that is often quite different from what one might encounter during sex.

When I traveled for a month, I didn't rub one out the entire time. By the three-week mark, I felt constantly horny all day. I haven't had that since high school! (I'm currently 25.)

By taking a break, you'll give your horniness a massive boost while allowing your body and mind some time to undo years of potentially unhelpful programming.
posted by dualityofmind at 3:34 PM on July 21

Happened to me.
My suggestion is to hang out
naked for a while masturbating.
The both of you, masturbating
yourselves so you're both turned
on, with lots of lube, and see
if that helps.
posted by Sully at 3:45 PM on July 21

Sully, when you add line breaks like that, you drive me mad as I search to see if you've written in trochaic tetrameter or some such.

Also, nthing stop your "alone time" and things will improve *markedly*. (Like, just stop. Entirely.)
posted by disillusioned at 6:44 PM on July 21

Disillusioned, when you use words like "trochaic tetrameter," you drive me mad as I search like mad to find out exactly what that term means and what else I forgot from English Lit class. :-)

Anoymous- to your question "is it best to walk away from this situation" I would say no, stick it out/ figure it out. There is obviously something you really like about her, so you owe it to yourself to get through this and/or learn from it.
posted by crazyray at 10:57 PM on July 21

Yeah, this is common. If the problem is psychological and not medical, one thing that might help is proposing a temporary moratorium on sex itself, but spending some time just talking about sex, sharing fantasies and desires, flirting, making out, teasing, etc. This takes the pressure off of you, and builds up an almost unbearable amount of desire and tension. Eventually you'll break the moratorium, but, in all likelihood, you'll both be too horny to get caught up with those anxieties. YMMV.
posted by mellifluous at 1:23 AM on July 22

nthing mellifluous (i feel like i've done that before)

Dan Savage had a question like this on a recent podcast, suggested that it may have something to do with unconsciously not being ready for that level of intimacy and suggested explicitly taking intercourse off the table, finding other ways to please each other and then working back up to it when the 'time is right'
posted by softlord at 7:42 PM on August 2