No I AM NOT JEWISH!!! Have a nice day.

July 19, 2009 12:58 PM

How do I deal with the fact that I apparently look Jewish enough I get assumed to be one by Jews and non-Jews? I'd find it sort of funny if I didn't keep having negative interactions based on this.

About once a month (and I don't exaggerate about this), someone approaches me and suggests that I should go to the local synagogue, or asks if I'm Jewish, or suggests I should do a birthright tour. Strangers imply they are trustworthy to me based on this non-existent shared link. It would be sort of funny, if every time I gently point out I'm not Jewish I get an instant negative reaction, the conversation shutting down and the person shuffling off in disappointment.

I'm pale skinned, dark wavy hair, big nose, bottom heavy figure, so I think it's in part because I look like a visual stereotype. I take after my Ukrainian-Canadian grandmother, with shades of my Yorkshire English mother. We think there's a small chance my paternal grandmother's father was Jewish, but it's more family supposition than anything concrete, and largely irrelevant in the context of people going OMG BLOOD KIN, COME DO OUR FAITH ORIENTED ACTIVITY!!!

I wouldn’t mind being Jewish if I was, since my mother’s side of the family routinely inter married and a lot of cultural traditions bled over (we celebrate Chanukah), it’s the fact that people want to be nice to me based on a perceived ethnicity and then act sulky and awkward that I’m a goya. Is there a polite way of getting these people to not approach me, or handle it when they do, or should I grin and bear it? ‘Cuz I’m getting to the point where I want to start being impolite and saying things like: “No, don’t be racist!”

posted by Phalene to human relations (43 comments total)

Wear a keffiyeh. I'm only sort of joking.
posted by oinopaponton at 1:04 PM on July 19 [3 favorites]

Could you not just gently decline without mentioning the fact that you're not Jewish? "No thank you, I'm alright" or something like that - after all there are enough non-practicing Jews and you could be one of them.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 1:08 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

You cannot easily control the actions of Humanity As A Group. What one experiences, another does not learn.

Yes, you could stock up witty comebacks for these occasions, but this will not prevent anything. Okay, if you and everyone else did it enough, it might eventually trickle into the general state of manners, but that might be a decade or three.

So, short of bleaching your hair, getting a nosejob, or otherwise altering the appearance which serves as a visual cue (however incorrect), you cannot avoid this behavior happening to you when you are out and about, unless you want to do something very off-putting, like dressing up as a skinhead. I think we can rule that out.

You're pretty much stuck with polite and impolite responses. I would suggest alternating between the two — it's obviously irritating to you, so have some fun with it and let off some steam, before you're tempted to do something rash and annoying, like I would.
posted by adipocere at 1:19 PM on July 19

About once a month (and I don't exaggerate about this), someone approaches me and suggests that I should go to the local synagogue, or asks if I'm Jewish, or suggests I should do a birthright tour. Strangers imply they are trustworthy to me based on this non-existent shared link.

This is weird and presumptuous, and it's even weirder and even more presumptuous that they act sulky afterward (the awkward part is more forgiveable). I think that their awkwardness comes from realizing that they've made an ass of themselves by making an unwarranted assumption, and that realization is its own kind of admonishment. However, it sounds like you're looking for something more: not to have to deal with people's assumptions and the asinine things these assumptions drive them to do. Unfortunately, I don't think there's any way you can prevent that (apart from wearing a large-font "Shiksa" button, which will generate other kinds of unwanted attention). And even more unfortunately, the Semite-solicitors who don't realize that they've made an ass of themselves probably won't change their outlook just because you have a snappy comeback (cf. Human Nature).

That said, as a freethinking, faithless Jewess who would always get hit up by the Chabad apparatchiks in Brooklyn on Jewish holidays, I would be sorely tempted to ask them in a hushed tone, "You know who else made assumptions about big schnozzes?"
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 1:20 PM on July 19 [5 favorites]

Read Ulysses--you're definitely not the first goy with this problem. If you really want to stop people from approaching you this way, and if it's religiously appropriate for you, how about wearing a cross? Otherwise, it sounds like what you're doing is fine, and they're the ones with the problem.

(Incidentally, I have the opposite "problem"--I'm technically Jewish but look completely goyish, with a goyish last name. It's allowed me to hear some ridiculously antisemetic comments, and lead the Hebrew airline to give me the third degree when I was boarding the plane to go to Israel for my birthright trip.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:20 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

OMG BLOOD KIN, COME DO OUR FAITH ORIENTED ACTIVITY!!!

Funny, I get the same thing from the Baptists here in the south. Like when I used to be regularly approached by Marines and skinheads alike when I was in great shape and shaved my head. I think a dose of generosity on your part is probably the best approach. Something like ClarissaWAM suggests, a firm "No, thank you, " with a warm smile.
posted by mrmojoflying at 1:23 PM on July 19

It would be sort of funny, if every time I gently point out I'm not Jewish I get an instant negative reaction, the conversation shutting down and the person shuffling off in disappointment.

So you've got an idiot filter right there. I mean, seriously, who wants to have conversations with proselytizers?
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:26 PM on July 19

A lot of Hispanic people who don't speak Spanish think (assume because I think they're desperate to find someone who speaks Spanish) I'm Hispanic and start speaking to me in Spanish. I'm Indian, and I'm okay with them thinking that I am Hispanic and I always feel bad that I can't even properly communicate that I'm not and can't be helpful. I think they're just lonely or they need help. Inevitably, I shake my head and try to explain that I don't speak any Spanish. They are always disappointed and look a little embarrassed. I don't blame them. I'm going to learn Spanish.

Maybe you can just say you'll keep it in mind. You'll never see the strangers again, so why bother with anything but a positive emotional exchange? Or ask if non-Jews are allowed to come to synagogue, because you're very interested in learning more about the culture. Maybe the way you're answering makes them think you think that being Jewish is a bad thing and they're embarrassed. After all, there are anti-Semitic people who make people feel bad about their culture and religion,and maybe they think you're one of the white people who secretly or openly is anti-Semitic.
posted by anniecat at 1:29 PM on July 19

I wonder if your irritation at being asked these intrusive questions bleeds over into your statement that you're not Jewish, and that is the source of some of the huffiness you get back. I mean, if a stranger approached me to offer this sort of presumptuous questioning, I'd give a frosty look and say, "Excuse me, I'm not interested," not give them some insight into my ethnic background.
posted by palliser at 1:29 PM on July 19

(Oh, also: goy: not-Jewish person, goyim: not-Jewish people, goya: a family-run food company offering beans, rice, nectars, seasonings and authentic Spanish, Mexican and Hispanic specialties.)
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 1:33 PM on July 19 [20 favorites]

Oh, yeah, foxy_hedgehog reminded me, and your location is right for it: if these are Chabadniks (ye shall know them by their black hats), they ask everybody. EVERYBODY. They're not making a statement about your personal appearance. You can just answer the way everyone else does: "No, thanks, not interested" and keep moving.
posted by palliser at 1:38 PM on July 19 [2 favorites]

I occasionally have a similar problem. I'm a dark Semitic Jew and people think I'm Puerto Rican.
But that's another story.
Now look, there aren't a whole lot of us and for many of us, the other Jews we know comprise a pretty small community. I'm pretty non-practicing but I can tell you that, without a doubt, I feel a reasonable connection when I meet another Jew that I don't feel when I encounter a random stranger. That's not to say that I immediately strike up a conversation about Judaism with them or make sure to get involved in their social/faith circles but I can imagine, where I connected to a faith community, I'd be excited to invite other Jews into that circle. But, being mostly non-practicing, I wind up turning down virtually ever invitation. I just say, "Oh, cool. We'll look into it" and never follow up on it.
Also, there's something that you're overlooking. There's somewhat of a risk in revealing one's Judaism to a stranger. There's still tons of hate and suspicion directed at our community and, at least as far as I'm concerned, I need to feel pretty safe around someone before I tell them that I'm Hebrew. I can imagine people being offended at the suggestion that they're Jewish and, were an enthusiastic Jew to make such a mistake, they could be reasonably worried about a confrontation or some retribution.

So, don't worry. You're not insulting anyone or being harsh when you tell them that you're not a member of their faith.

I would suggest some outward visual non-Hebrew cue. I have a few large visible tattoos that contribute to the Puerto Rican/Semite ambiguity about my ethnicity.

Of course, you could always convert to Judaism. Problem solved!
posted by Jon-o at 1:38 PM on July 19

Yes, the feminine of "goy" is "shiksa", so.

if these are Chabadniks (ye shall know them by their black hats), they ask everybody. EVERYBODY. They're not making a statement about your personal appearance.

No, they really only ask white people in my experience. But they do ask all white people.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:52 PM on July 19 [3 favorites]

Yes, the feminine of "goy" is "shiksa", so.

Shiksa has a far more derogatory connotation than goy does.
posted by amro at 2:11 PM on July 19

Wear a cross.

You're going to continue to have this happen if you live in an area with a Jewish population. You should also be aware that not only are Jewish people going to assume that you're Jewish, but non-Jewish people will too. Some of these people don't like Jewish people. So basically you're going to get prejudice from both ends.

As someone who is (agnostic) Jewish, I find that the general assumption of the largely Christian population that everyone is Christian is sometimes a bit much. I'm sorry you're getting the other end of things and that you find it frustrating, but I'm also getting a chuckle out of it. Think about how many times I hear "Merry Christmas" and people ask how Easter was, or I find it difficult to buy alcohol on Sundays. Yes the people whose faces close after they realize that you're not Jewish are jerks, but people do the same thing when they realize that you don't root for the same football team, or belong to the same political party. People look for commonalities to bring them together.


Once a month is only twelve times a year. You could always carry Chick Tracts for the really annoying people.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:20 PM on July 19 [4 favorites]

I am Italian. When I was in NYC people either thought I was Puerto Rican or Jewish. It was not just once in a while, but quite frequent. I would just say I was Italian and leave it at that. People are looking for a connection. Your reaction is in your control.
posted by fifilaru at 2:38 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

As a cultural half-Jew Agnostic, I get similar assumptions thrown my way.

Anyone with the audacity to come up to you to tell you to go to the Synagogue or Israel or whatever deserves some kind of terse reply. If it makes them less likely to come up to me, I'll heart you!
posted by No New Diamonds Please at 2:54 PM on July 19

Assuming they are Chabadniks:

If it's only once a month, you're getting off easy. Try hanging out downtown on a Friday afternoon, I bet you'll get it at least once a week.

They're not really being sulky, you're just not in their key demographic. Judaism doesn't really recruit, so if you're not Jewish, they have nothing (religious items/literature) to offer you. Say yes once, and they'll offer you Shabbat candles.

Other notes:
They'll ask anyone.
And shiksa is a derogatory term, its male equivalent is shaigetz. Goy is gender neutral.
posted by mhz at 2:58 PM on July 19

Yes, the feminine of "goy" is "shiksa", so.
Shiksa has a far more derogatory connotation than goy does.

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS.
Seriously, don't.

"The word "shiksa" is a Yiddish term of disgust derived from the biblical Hebrew word shakaytz, meaning "to abominate an unclean thing."

Shiksa is the "N" word of the Jewish community. It is so often used jokingly that we can forget that it's a vile, sexist, racist word. Somehow, perhaps because sexism is still tolerated in a way that racism is not, "shiksa" is more acceptable than the equally despicable "shvartze." Yet, when asked, most people who use the term "shiksa" will defend their word choice with the argument that it is common parlance for denoting a non-Jewish woman, and not intended as an insult. But, whatever the intention, it remains a crass insult, and reveals a state of mind that embarrasses us as a community."
posted by aquafortis at 3:00 PM on July 19

I am friendly with a guy who was by birth Jewish but seems not to want to recognize or accept this fact and so wears cross earrings. I am Jewish so this strikes me as odd. I don't believe he is at all religious and so does not wear crosses because he has embraced Christianity but wears them to deny or signal that he is not Jewish.
posted by Postroad at 3:21 PM on July 19

I am a serious mutt. I have what I like to call an ethnically confusing face. I am approached by people of all backgrounds from Indian, Arabic, Hispanic, Native American, to Italian (so far), speaking to me in all the associated languages. I have also experienced the "Oh no - I thought you were in the club but you're not actually in the club!" reaction.

My advice: just accept it and move on with your life. In my experience people see in me what they want to see, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't change anytime soon. People close minded enough to have a negative reaction when I'm not what they want me to be aren't worth my worry. Besides, it makes for great party stories.
posted by paralith at 3:26 PM on July 19 [2 favorites]

It's possible that at least some of the people who are asking you if you are Jewish or inviting you to a synagoge are doing so because they ask everyone. In New York, there are a couple of Hasidic groups that send people out onto the streets during the leadup to a couple of the Jewish holidays, and they're meant to be encouraging more reform, or "lapsed", Jews to go to synagogue. I look about as Jewish as Dolph Lundgren, but they still ask me if I'm Jewish anyway. So I think they ask everyone just in case.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:47 PM on July 19

Phalene, your question and the replies so far reminded me of this previous thread from a few years ago: "Door-to-door Hasidim?"

It's not the same exact question/issue you're experiencing, but definitely in a similar vein, so you might find the comments there interesting.
posted by macguffin at 3:50 PM on July 19

If it's any comfort to you, I have had similar experiences. I am a woman living in Los Angeles, and have had a couple of men in big black hats stop me and plead with me to participate in, I'm not sure what they were saying. Charming young men in yarmulkes greet me with "Shalom", or I kept wondering why they would ask me if I speak Hebrew. It took me a couple of years before it sunk in. I'm mostly Irish, so go figure. I thought it was really funny. So laughing, I think, will be the best remedy. I finally learned to reply that I was Irish, and so that's that.

At least they don't come to my door in groups and ask me if I have met or seen Jesus.

The best, I think was going to a Japanese dentist and she had everyone in the office staff come in an look at how my teeth were different. Oy vey.
posted by effluvia at 4:16 PM on July 19

When approached by Chabad-types to become a member of a temple or whatever, I think a simple, "No thank you, I'm not interested," would suffice. This is the response I use whenever Christian proselytizers approach me on the street, or knock on my door, assuming I believe in Christ the Lord. (I don't.) It has always worked, and never once has it occurred to me to point out to them, however gently, that I am not Christian. It's immaterial, really.

It's a different story if these shuffling-types are instead everyday Jewish people who assume by your big nose and heavy bottom that you're Jewish, and are making friendly small-talk about things of interest to other Jews. For example: Because of my gentle manner, svelte good looks, and impeccable fashion sense, I am sometimes assumed to be gay by casual acquaintances and business contacts. (I'm not.) When these strangers imply they are trustworthy to me based on this non-existent shared link, I usually roll with it -- finding it both amusing and flattering. But if I stopped and told them that their friendliness was misplaced because they were "racist" (or whatever), it would insult them. I suspect they would sulk and sashay off somewhere.

Most people mean well, and most people make assumptions based on appearance. It's human nature. If people want to be nice to you, let them be nice to you.
posted by turducken at 4:45 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

Actually, yeah, from the thread linked by macguffin:

Whenever I get asked "Excuse me, sir, are you Jewish?" by a Hasidim on the street I respond with "I'm flattered, but no." No Hasidim has ever found this funny.

I'd actually be interested in knowing whether, if you tried this response, you'd get more of a friendly, "Oops, sorry, carry on, then!" and less of the awkward sulks. I think the people who approach you may be confusing your irritation at their probing questions with irritation at being thought to be -- ugh -- Jewish, of all things.
posted by palliser at 5:01 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

Tell them their jewdar needs recalibration.
posted by rhizome at 5:18 PM on July 19 [2 favorites]

Ha ha....I get this all the time too, even though I wouldn't ethnically qualify as Jewish even under some sort of "one drop" rule. I'm constantly trying to avoid mitzvah tanks since they always try to lure me inside.

I thought your question was going to be about the really uncool aspect of this, though-- where I've actually been on the receiving end of anti-Semitic behavior (they're usually from the same pool of idiots who sometimes think I look like one of them there Ay-rabs as well, so I've had the pleasure of having anti-Muslim AND anti-Semitic slurs shouted at my Southeast European face.....America doesn't know what to make of ethnic-looking white people).
posted by availablelight at 5:21 PM on July 19

I am approached with every language in the book. People always assume I'm part of their tribe because of my olive skin tone. But I find this flattering -- they see me as kin! They want to take me home and cook me a traditional meal of whatever. I always take it as a huge compliment, say thank you, and then explain that I'm not Puerto Rican, Indian, Pakistani, or whatever. Depending on how comfortable I feel with the person, I will then explain what a sephardic jew is.

But the bottom line is that people are approaching me and opening themselves up to me in ways that they normally wouldn't. Just looking at me has put them at ease. How cool is that?
posted by ohyouknow at 5:31 PM on July 19

My dad looks Jewish but isn't, and he generally smiles and says "I get that a lot, but no, I'm not Jewish." That way, he hasn't opined about the Jewish people or religion as a whole or given further openings to that line of conversation. Alternatively, if he's among people he likes, sometimes he says "I wish!"--but that's a reflection of his personality and interests and might not apply to you.

That said, if someone is merely implying that they think you're Jewish and it's of no consequence to the interaction, do you need to say anything? Or, rather, which matters more to you--not getting the sulky treatment or making sure the person you're talking to knows you're not Jewish?

When religious people of any stripe approach me, I say "No, thank you" firmly regardless of their greeting or question, and keep walking. I've learned not to try to be super nice about it: giving explanations or making excuses just results in more conversation than I wanted. Whether or not you're ethnically Jewish is immaterial if the religious sales pitch is unwanted.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:46 PM on July 19

My stock answer to this is "My dad's family was, but I'm not." On the one hand, it makes most people looking to proselytize leave me alone.* On the other hand, on the rare occasion someone's genuinely curious about my background or looking for common ground, it leaves the conversation open. And either way, it's a pretty clearly non-racist "no" — it makes it obvious I'm not denying my roots or APPALLED AT THE VERY IDEA of being Jewish or whatever.

It also happens to be true — I wouldn't say it if it wasn't. But you've got a similar true answer: "My grandfather's family might have been, we're not really sure. But no, I'm not." Maybe give that a shot and see if it changes the reaction you get?

(But also, I wonder if you're overreacting a bit. The "instant negative reaction" you mention doesn't sound angry or insulted — just disappointed. That's what happens when people discover they're barking up the wrong tree — I do the exact same disappointed apologize-and-shuffle-off when someone can't give me change for a dollar or directions to the bus station or whatever. Don't take it personally.)

*Some background: Trying to convert gentiles to Judaism is a big no-no. (If a gentile seriously wants to convert, they're allowed to, but they've got to do it of their own accord. No pushing.) So most of the proselytizing Jewish groups are trying to convert Jews from one branch of Judaism to another.

Usually it's Orthodox Jews trying to convince Reform or Conservative Jews to take up Orthodox practice. The Chabadniks mentioned above fall into that category, f'rinstance. Now, one of the many things that sets the Orthodox Judaism apart is that it's stricter than the other branches about who counts as Jew and who doesn't — and in particular, they don't consider you Jewish if your Jewish ancestry is only on your father's side.

So, having a Jewish paternal grandfather puts me off the Orthodox radar. I'm not a member of the Chosen People who's forgotten the right way to live and needs to be brought back into the fold before the Messiah comes. I'm just a non-member, and basically not their problem.

The only proselytizers it won't ward off are the Jews for Jesus. But they're basically just Evangelical Christians in disguise, and they'll talk about the Messiah to anything that breathes.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:03 PM on July 19

Shiksa is the "N" word of the Jewish community. It is so often used jokingly that we can forget that it's a vile, sexist, racist word.

Sorry, that was meant to be funny, but failed utterly because I (a non-Jewish woman married to a Jewish man) forgot that not everyone knew that "shiksa" and "goy" are not equivalent in tone (or, for that matter, that not everyone here knows that I am a WASP/Irish Episcopalian married to a Jewish man).

"Shiksa" is not the feminine of "goy" any more than "mick" or "paddy" is the masculine of "Irishwoman."
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:16 PM on July 19 [2 favorites]

Yes, the feminine of "goy" is "shiksa", so.

This is incorrect. Yiddish has gendered nouns (just like German), but for the most part, such designations are arbitrary - which is to say that just because a noun has a particular gender does not mean it cannot be used to describe someone of the opposite gender. Even to say, "The female equivalent of 'goy' is 'shiksa'" would be incorrect, because the word "goy" applies to both sexes equally. Goy (plural: goyim) simply means "gentile" or "non-Jew" and does not imply any sex.

That said, I agree completely with the commenters upthread who have advised against using the word "shiksa," as it is a far more loaded (and offensive) word than many people realize. The actual male equivalent of shiksa is "shaygetz," which is another word I would suggest avoiding for the same reasons. And I don't even like using the word goy.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 8:19 PM on July 19

I'm sorry, I just had to come back on here after thinking about this for a bit because something occurred to me. Perhaps the annoyance you're feeling is coming from your own insecurity? When I was a teenager I used to get offended when people spoke Spanish to me--and I would do the same thing you do, Phalene--I'd point to their dismay at my not speaking Spanish as the cause of my frustration.

But that really wasn't the heart of my annoyance. My issue is that I wasn't yet comfortable inside my skin. I still wanted to look like a Barbie doll, and when people approached me speaking foreign languages, it just reminded me of how "ethnic" I looked. I hadn't learned to really see and value myself yet, so that aspect of my appearance was something that made me deeply uncomfortable.

You mention your big nose and bottom heavy figure as an explanation for other peoples' confusion--maybe these are aspects of yourself you could try celebrating a little more (in case you aren't already). Just a thought.
posted by ohyouknow at 8:51 PM on July 19 [1 favorite]

I get this a lot. As often as you if not more. I am, like paralith, approached by all kinds of people asking if I'm ________ or coming up to me and speaking their language of choice. I've gotten Jewish many times, Russian a ton, Greek, and others. I'm Puerto Rican and Italian/German. Occasionally, someone will approach me in Spanish and I can respond.

Just be nice, yet firm about it and either say no you're not or explain you're x & y and let it be that. Maybe you're projecting when it comes to the "sulky" response. In my experience, nobody has had a reaction like that when I correct them or politely say no, I'm not _____.
posted by cmgonzalez at 9:06 PM on July 19

You mention your big nose and bottom heavy figure as an explanation for other peoples' confusion--maybe these are aspects of yourself you could try celebrating a little more (in case you aren't already). Just a thought.

Nope, I'm pretty pleased with the pelvis/behind set, as it's shapely and will probably make birthing my young easier. The nose is okay - it's long and straight, but I wish it wasn't bright pink.

As someone who is (agnostic) Jewish, I find that the general assumption of the largely Christian population that everyone is Christian is sometimes a bit much. I'm sorry you're getting the other end of things and that you find it frustrating, but I'm also getting a chuckle out of it. Think about how many times I hear "Merry Christmas" and people ask how Easter was, or I find it difficult to buy alcohol on Sundays.

But I'm not Christian either. :P


The people who are approaching me on the subject are often fellow students, and once a prof. This is part of where the awkwardness comes in. We'll be making small talk and then suddenly, boom, out comes the invite to do a birthright tour or whatever. Today I was at a garage sale buying a vase and a sweet old man was making small talk and kept prying to find out where my family was from and wanted to make sure I knew he was trustworthy because he was Jewish. Mucho awkward, when I'd be quite happy to make small talk regardless of what ethnicity he was, but there was awkwardness when I communicated gently that I was not Jewish before he invited me to meet his family or something.
posted by Phalene at 9:39 PM on July 19

Mucho awkward, when I'd be quite happy to make small talk regardless of what ethnicity he was, but there was awkwardness when I communicated gently that I was not Jewish before he invited me to meet his family or something.

You sound like you handled this very well. The fact that this is occurring in an academic/professional setting makes it hard to respond to the behavior with snappy comebacks (ie Chick Tracts), and makes it even more worthwhile for keeping an even keel and letting the people who are making the assumptions deal with their embarrassment and akwardness on their own.

And then there's the Adrian Piper option.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 2:01 AM on July 20

I also get people talking Spanish to me, because, well, it's in my blood, but I don't speak Spanish. So sadly, I tell them, "no hablo espanol" and shrug wryly.

To me, it sounds more like they're disappointed and embarrassed at their mistaken assumption, rather than any negative attitude towards you. It's not that they somehow like you less because you're not Jewish, but that they were hoping you shared an whole set of cultural markers, and you don't.

To quote Jon-o:

There's somewhat of a risk in revealing one's Judaism to a stranger. There's still tons of hate and suspicion directed at our community and, at least as far as I'm concerned, I need to feel pretty safe around someone before I tell them that I'm Hebrew.

Just gently point out that no, sorry, you're not, just like you did to that sweet old man, and you'll be fine.
posted by canine epigram at 10:33 AM on July 20

I see you've met the Lubovitchers. I haven't come up with a good response for them, either. Most of the time, "Please leave me alone" will suffice.
posted by Citrus at 11:34 AM on July 20

I think you're stuck with what you look like, and how people react to it. I get this all the time (from goyim- I have no idea if Jews think I'm Jewish or not). I think you have to resign yourself to this kind of exchange happening 500 times in the course of your life, and it seems like it's mostly not a negative thing (apart from the awkwardness). I suspect the negativity comes from people feeling a bit daft to have miscalled you.

I think something like "I get that a lot" or "People usually think that" might convey the right vibe of "arrgh not again" and "you're not dumb for thinking so" if you say it with a smile. Maybe learn enough Yiddish/Hebrew to say "have a good day" or whatever to indicate no hard feelings?

If you're being graceful about it and they're still being weird, it's their problem.

I wouldn't advise letting it rankle you.
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 11:56 AM on July 20

I see you've met the Lubovitchers. I haven't come up with a good response for them, either. Most of the time, "Please leave me alone" will suffice.

Huh, I find simply saying "sorry, I'm not Jewish" works, without having to resort to what sounds like a pricklier response.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:24 PM on July 20

I don't really know what to tell you, except to offer a sheepish "sorry!" on the behalf of all us ethnically-Jewish people...

I get a similar thing, where people start chattering in Russian to me on the subway, except they're actually right. I've never been able to figure out how they know.
posted by lolichka at 10:10 PM on July 20

I think something like "I get that a lot" or "People usually think that" might convey the right vibe of "arrgh not again" and "you're not dumb for thinking so" if you say it with a smile. Maybe learn enough Yiddish/Hebrew to say "have a good day" or whatever to indicate no hard feelings?

If these are classmates like Phalene says ... well, in my experience, American Jewish college students aren't too likely to have any real functional grasp on Hebrew. (Some know some Biblical Hebrew from religious school, but that's not really a language for making small talk in.) And Yiddish? Not a chance. Maybe some of them have grandparents or great-grandparents who speak some Yiddish.

It's just a matter of numbers. Ultra-Orthodox Jews (many of whom do speak Yiddish at home) and Israeli immigrants are a small fraction of the American Jewish population. The vast majority of Jewish kids here — especially at a secular university, but really the vast majority period — are solidly assimilated, monolingual English speakers.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:23 AM on July 21