I got uninvited - now what?
July 19, 2009 12:29 PM Subscribe
How do I get over being mad about being uninvited to a wedding, when I sort of understand where the couple is coming from?
So, my best friend of six years (the groom) got married yesterday and I was not in attendance. The day before, I was told (by best friend's brother) that the bride had decided she didn't want me to come to the wedding, and I'd have to skip it. I asked best friend, and he said that he was very sorry but she was annoyed with me and he had to side with his wife. How do I get over being pissed about this? Please forgive the long back story, but wedding invite stories are usually complicated right?
Once upon a time, my best friend and I dated for 2 years, and broke up 3 years ago. The relationship ended completely amicably (we realized we were really good friends, and our true loves were still out there) and we have remained very close friends. He helped me move after I ended an abusive relationship, he listens, we have fun when we hang out, yadda yadda yadda - it's great and I adore him. There is no lingering sexual tension - we are completely unattracted to each other. We just know each other really well, and get along. When he told me about this girl, I said they'd get married and was thrilled to find out that they were engaged. I spent some time with both of them, but she is ridiculously shy (a quality we share) and I've maybe ever heard her say three words. At first, I thought she didn't like me because I was an EX but I have since found out that she's like this with everyone. I thought we were hunky dory and I was looking forward to building a friendship with her (I wrote something to this effect on my wedding card).
When it came to actually planning the wedding and making the guest list, I told both of them separately that I completely understood that I was an ex and to feel no pressure to invite me. They decided to anyway, and I was completely excited that my best friend is getting MARRIED. I chatted with both of them about things they'd picked out (they had a blog with their ideas), and bride asked me about what I was wearing, etc.
Basically, everything was peachy until Thursday evening. Groom has a brother who lives in another state, and since both of their parents have passed, they are really each other's only family. The problem is they don't have similar personalities and can't stand to be around each other too long. So on Thursday, groom's brother was looking for a short escape from family hang out time, and I offerred to hang out for a little bit. He stayed over too late, and ended up spending the night. This is what I did wrong.
The next morning, groom's brother tells me that bride is unhappy and doesn't want me at the wedding. I asked groom, and he said sorry but she wasn't having it. I told groom that he was making the right call (wife > friends) but that I was very hurt and sad. I have not been able to get in touch with him since (because he's busy getting married). Once I got home from work, I lost it. I cried, I was heartbroken, I felt left out. My old friends who were coming to town wanted to see me, and I didn't have time to make plans with them outside of the wedding. I am still very hurt and sad, and Facebook updates with pictures and congrats are not helping. There is also a part of me that thinks this was incredibly unclassy and mean and I'm angry. Generally, it sucks.
My question is: how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life? I still have my gift sitting in its bag, and I have debated taking it back. I have helped plan my siblings' weddings, and I know that sometimes you have to not have people there for whatever reason. Like I said, I know he made the right call in supporting his wife, but now I have the problem of thinking his wife is a bitch. That's not healthy for my friendship with either of them. Any advice on how to just accept that I didn't go and move on? Any help is appreciated.
PS - I have heard rumors that bride seems to think that brother and I slept together, which I think is probably none of her business, but probably contributed to her not wanting me there. This is just a rumor though.
So, my best friend of six years (the groom) got married yesterday and I was not in attendance. The day before, I was told (by best friend's brother) that the bride had decided she didn't want me to come to the wedding, and I'd have to skip it. I asked best friend, and he said that he was very sorry but she was annoyed with me and he had to side with his wife. How do I get over being pissed about this? Please forgive the long back story, but wedding invite stories are usually complicated right?
Once upon a time, my best friend and I dated for 2 years, and broke up 3 years ago. The relationship ended completely amicably (we realized we were really good friends, and our true loves were still out there) and we have remained very close friends. He helped me move after I ended an abusive relationship, he listens, we have fun when we hang out, yadda yadda yadda - it's great and I adore him. There is no lingering sexual tension - we are completely unattracted to each other. We just know each other really well, and get along. When he told me about this girl, I said they'd get married and was thrilled to find out that they were engaged. I spent some time with both of them, but she is ridiculously shy (a quality we share) and I've maybe ever heard her say three words. At first, I thought she didn't like me because I was an EX but I have since found out that she's like this with everyone. I thought we were hunky dory and I was looking forward to building a friendship with her (I wrote something to this effect on my wedding card).
When it came to actually planning the wedding and making the guest list, I told both of them separately that I completely understood that I was an ex and to feel no pressure to invite me. They decided to anyway, and I was completely excited that my best friend is getting MARRIED. I chatted with both of them about things they'd picked out (they had a blog with their ideas), and bride asked me about what I was wearing, etc.
Basically, everything was peachy until Thursday evening. Groom has a brother who lives in another state, and since both of their parents have passed, they are really each other's only family. The problem is they don't have similar personalities and can't stand to be around each other too long. So on Thursday, groom's brother was looking for a short escape from family hang out time, and I offerred to hang out for a little bit. He stayed over too late, and ended up spending the night. This is what I did wrong.
The next morning, groom's brother tells me that bride is unhappy and doesn't want me at the wedding. I asked groom, and he said sorry but she wasn't having it. I told groom that he was making the right call (wife > friends) but that I was very hurt and sad. I have not been able to get in touch with him since (because he's busy getting married). Once I got home from work, I lost it. I cried, I was heartbroken, I felt left out. My old friends who were coming to town wanted to see me, and I didn't have time to make plans with them outside of the wedding. I am still very hurt and sad, and Facebook updates with pictures and congrats are not helping. There is also a part of me that thinks this was incredibly unclassy and mean and I'm angry. Generally, it sucks.
My question is: how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life? I still have my gift sitting in its bag, and I have debated taking it back. I have helped plan my siblings' weddings, and I know that sometimes you have to not have people there for whatever reason. Like I said, I know he made the right call in supporting his wife, but now I have the problem of thinking his wife is a bitch. That's not healthy for my friendship with either of them. Any advice on how to just accept that I didn't go and move on? Any help is appreciated.
PS - I have heard rumors that bride seems to think that brother and I slept together, which I think is probably none of her business, but probably contributed to her not wanting me there. This is just a rumor though.
I once wasn't invited to a close male friend's wedding because of the bride's wishes (less complex situation than yours, basically she and I aren't really friends is all), and I was quite hurt. A wise friend put it in perspective for me:
"The reason you were not invited is NOT because you're not important to him. You were not invited because you're TOO important to him. The wedding is the couple's day, and we all know it's really the bride's day, so HER feelings are the most important thing. Would you prefer that she feel annoyed and upset or awkward and weird on her own wedding day just so that you could have been there?"
Seen in that light, my answer was "of course not". At the end of the day, it was my feelings versus her WEDDING. So I sucked it up, and congratulated the couple privately a few weeks later when all the fuss died down.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:36 PM on July 19, 2009 [15 favorites]
"The reason you were not invited is NOT because you're not important to him. You were not invited because you're TOO important to him. The wedding is the couple's day, and we all know it's really the bride's day, so HER feelings are the most important thing. Would you prefer that she feel annoyed and upset or awkward and weird on her own wedding day just so that you could have been there?"
Seen in that light, my answer was "of course not". At the end of the day, it was my feelings versus her WEDDING. So I sucked it up, and congratulated the couple privately a few weeks later when all the fuss died down.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 12:36 PM on July 19, 2009 [15 favorites]
YOu know what? to disinvite one of the main parties' best friends the day before the wedding, but to only tell them through the grapepvine, is magnificently shitty. I'm sorry, but you no longer have a best friend.
My best friend, the best man at our wedding, who had no small part in inching us along toward marriage, chose his psycho girlfriend (who we did not want to associate with because of two acute incidents and many chronic attitude problems) over hanging out with my wife and I. Consequently, I no longer have a "best friend", outside of course, my marriage. This sucks, but getting past it in short order is the best you can do. I would recommend making a list of things each of you has that belongs to the other person. Wait a week, then add all the other things you forgot to the list. Then have a "prisoner exchange", and get on with your life.
posted by notsnot at 12:43 PM on July 19, 2009 [9 favorites]
My best friend, the best man at our wedding, who had no small part in inching us along toward marriage, chose his psycho girlfriend (who we did not want to associate with because of two acute incidents and many chronic attitude problems) over hanging out with my wife and I. Consequently, I no longer have a "best friend", outside of course, my marriage. This sucks, but getting past it in short order is the best you can do. I would recommend making a list of things each of you has that belongs to the other person. Wait a week, then add all the other things you forgot to the list. Then have a "prisoner exchange", and get on with your life.
posted by notsnot at 12:43 PM on July 19, 2009 [9 favorites]
The bride is a melodramatic, jealous bitch. She's mad at you because she thinks you slept with the groom's brother? pfff. Why wasn't the groom's brother uninvited? She was looking for an excuse not to include you and I think she was probably subconsciously looking for a situation to make him pick her and not you. Or maybe she just never really wanted you there, but didn't have the guts to say it before, and this "issue" gave her a reason to do that. Which, because it's her wedding, is perfectly within her rights, but it's pretty shitty to do it the way she did it.
I think, by virtue of the fact that your best friend married her, your friendship with him is just never going to be the same. It's probably best to just hold that thought in your head and not expect anything from him anymore. Sorry you have to go through this.
posted by gt2 at 12:45 PM on July 19, 2009 [18 favorites]
I think, by virtue of the fact that your best friend married her, your friendship with him is just never going to be the same. It's probably best to just hold that thought in your head and not expect anything from him anymore. Sorry you have to go through this.
posted by gt2 at 12:45 PM on July 19, 2009 [18 favorites]
I'm sorry, but you no longer have a best friend.
I'm sorry, too.
posted by milarepa at 12:46 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry, too.
posted by milarepa at 12:46 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
This could just be "HER DAY" (in the grand American tradition of Bridezilla getting what she wants) or it could be the opening move in the "get rid of spouse's deadweight friends" gambit. Hope for the former, but prepare for the latter.
Sending the message via the groom's brother, the day before the wedding, is ... well, I suppose nothing is inexcusable, but I think Miss Manners would be quite cross with her. She could have simply not put you on the wedding list in the first place, but this way, it's entirely possible she attempting to goad you into a response.
Do not give her that response. Give the gift, be kind and thoughtful. It could just be the stress talking. While you're smiling, make that list notsnot discussed. you'll probably be needing it.
posted by adipocere at 12:53 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sending the message via the groom's brother, the day before the wedding, is ... well, I suppose nothing is inexcusable, but I think Miss Manners would be quite cross with her. She could have simply not put you on the wedding list in the first place, but this way, it's entirely possible she attempting to goad you into a response.
Do not give her that response. Give the gift, be kind and thoughtful. It could just be the stress talking. While you're smiling, make that list notsnot discussed. you'll probably be needing it.
posted by adipocere at 12:53 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
First of all, this sucks and I'm sorry.
I'm trying to imagine if I was the groom getting married to a woman, whose ex is showing up to the wedding. She's still friends with him, and they say they have no sexual feelings for each other. Okay, cool, whatever.
Right before the wedding, he offers to hang out with my future wife's sister. He invites her to spend the night over at his place.
I dunno, I'd feel slightly weird about the guy after this. I wouldn't be annoyed, but my instincts would tell me not to trust him. Yeah, it may seem irrational, but to me, that's a very tiny warning flag. Given that I barely know him, I'd make an assumption the guy doesn't share the same set of boundaries as I did. And that what's ok for him may not be ok for me, and vice versa. I wouldn't assume he was a bad guy, and maybe he truly had the best of intentions, but it would still make me think, "we're apparently not on the same page as to what's a boundary."
In any case, I'm sorry that you had to pay a price for your good intentions. I think you need to decide if it is worth keeping up your relationship with your best friend. If so, you're gonna need to make amends with his wife, simply because that's where his priorities lie. You can tell her that you truly just wanted to help out, and maybe she assumed something else.
Drama usually gets turned way up during a wedding, ugh. Sorry you had to go through this.
posted by thisperon at 12:55 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
I'm trying to imagine if I was the groom getting married to a woman, whose ex is showing up to the wedding. She's still friends with him, and they say they have no sexual feelings for each other. Okay, cool, whatever.
Right before the wedding, he offers to hang out with my future wife's sister. He invites her to spend the night over at his place.
I dunno, I'd feel slightly weird about the guy after this. I wouldn't be annoyed, but my instincts would tell me not to trust him. Yeah, it may seem irrational, but to me, that's a very tiny warning flag. Given that I barely know him, I'd make an assumption the guy doesn't share the same set of boundaries as I did. And that what's ok for him may not be ok for me, and vice versa. I wouldn't assume he was a bad guy, and maybe he truly had the best of intentions, but it would still make me think, "we're apparently not on the same page as to what's a boundary."
In any case, I'm sorry that you had to pay a price for your good intentions. I think you need to decide if it is worth keeping up your relationship with your best friend. If so, you're gonna need to make amends with his wife, simply because that's where his priorities lie. You can tell her that you truly just wanted to help out, and maybe she assumed something else.
Drama usually gets turned way up during a wedding, ugh. Sorry you had to go through this.
posted by thisperon at 12:55 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
You seem to be pretty balanced about this whole thing and that's very commendable, a shitty outcome no doubt but you've got the right frame of mind. A vacation would be a great distraction right now. If you can't go to Mexico maybe you could go without Facebook for a week instead?
My bigger concern would be that his wife has found the necessary ammunition to end what she deems a competitive friendship with your ex. This might be justifiable (having his brother over for the night sure makes things awkward at family get togethers), but trying to right this wrong from your end might just make things work. Give them space and hope he's able to address this on his own. Perhaps the brother can help gauge things for you, but it might be risky to follow that route.
posted by furtive at 12:58 PM on July 19, 2009
My bigger concern would be that his wife has found the necessary ammunition to end what she deems a competitive friendship with your ex. This might be justifiable (having his brother over for the night sure makes things awkward at family get togethers), but trying to right this wrong from your end might just make things work. Give them space and hope he's able to address this on his own. Perhaps the brother can help gauge things for you, but it might be risky to follow that route.
posted by furtive at 12:58 PM on July 19, 2009
What I meant to say was:
...might make thingswork worse.
posted by furtive at 1:02 PM on July 19, 2009
...might make things
posted by furtive at 1:02 PM on July 19, 2009
My question is: how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life?
What you're asking for sounds kinda insane to me. You've been rejected, by both him and his wife, so anger and dismay is a natural reaction. Wanting to be all happy go lucky sounds nice, but lets face it, your best friend has suddenly disappeared, even though you know where he is. He's just not available to you anymore.
The best you can do is give them (and you) some distance, but in a positive way. Mail the gift to them, with a note asking them over for lunch or some such. If you don't hear back, give'em a call a week or two after their honeymoon and repeat the offer. How they respond, either together or separately should guide you where things go from here.
Long term, the wife is the problem here, so you're going to have to win her over. Yes this sucks and she's being bitchy and immature, but that's life and that's who your best friends is now married to, so you're gonna have to deal with that, if you want to keep up the relationship.
You two are both shy, imagine you're in her place, what would drawn your shy self out? Is there a particular thing she likes to do that you'd enjoy? A favorite restaurant where you can invite for lunch on her birthday? Can you ask your friend for suggestions?
Finally, remember, you're an ex and therefore to some people, a threat. I think you need to decide if that is going to effect your behavior and if so, how? There's no right or wrong answer here, just something to think about and decide on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:20 PM on July 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
What you're asking for sounds kinda insane to me. You've been rejected, by both him and his wife, so anger and dismay is a natural reaction. Wanting to be all happy go lucky sounds nice, but lets face it, your best friend has suddenly disappeared, even though you know where he is. He's just not available to you anymore.
The best you can do is give them (and you) some distance, but in a positive way. Mail the gift to them, with a note asking them over for lunch or some such. If you don't hear back, give'em a call a week or two after their honeymoon and repeat the offer. How they respond, either together or separately should guide you where things go from here.
Long term, the wife is the problem here, so you're going to have to win her over. Yes this sucks and she's being bitchy and immature, but that's life and that's who your best friends is now married to, so you're gonna have to deal with that, if you want to keep up the relationship.
You two are both shy, imagine you're in her place, what would drawn your shy self out? Is there a particular thing she likes to do that you'd enjoy? A favorite restaurant where you can invite for lunch on her birthday? Can you ask your friend for suggestions?
Finally, remember, you're an ex and therefore to some people, a threat. I think you need to decide if that is going to effect your behavior and if so, how? There's no right or wrong answer here, just something to think about and decide on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:20 PM on July 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
yeah, I agree with everyone else. You got disinvited to your best friend's wedding for hooking up with his brother? (What else are weddings for, exactly?) Screw them.
posted by paultopia at 1:32 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by paultopia at 1:32 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
It's like you never saw My Best Friend's Wedding. Sorry if I'm being cool or unreasonable, but I didn't want my husband to invite any of his exes to our wedding. You have to accept that he's not your best friend anymore and his first and most important relationship is to her. She doesn't like you. That means you're out. It's time for you to find a new best friend.
Also, it's their wedding, and you might think of him as your best friend, but their wedding has absolutely nothing to do with you, no matter how much you want to be happy about it and share in the joy. You're the lowest priority on the totem pole and you have to accept it and find a new best friend.
For the record, I don't think the wife is being bitchy. She could just not like you because you don't add anything to her life. It doesn't matter why she doesn't like you. She just doesn't like you and you need to gracefully exit. Just drop the relationship. It's not making your life better.
Also, I would probably send the gift, if just to make them feel bad. You'll know you're the most grown up of all of them.
posted by anniecat at 1:43 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
Also, it's their wedding, and you might think of him as your best friend, but their wedding has absolutely nothing to do with you, no matter how much you want to be happy about it and share in the joy. You're the lowest priority on the totem pole and you have to accept it and find a new best friend.
For the record, I don't think the wife is being bitchy. She could just not like you because you don't add anything to her life. It doesn't matter why she doesn't like you. She just doesn't like you and you need to gracefully exit. Just drop the relationship. It's not making your life better.
Also, I would probably send the gift, if just to make them feel bad. You'll know you're the most grown up of all of them.
posted by anniecat at 1:43 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
You are totally in the right being angry at that presently ugly female person marrying your friend! You already offered the option of not being invited,which was totally gracious of you. (And very mature). And it was a good show of manners and trust that they invited you anyway.
But it is very much a NO NO, to disinvite anybody! And only a day before the occurrence.
Not being invited is OK, but being uninvited is just-not-done.
That - is - no - manners - at - all. (And shows that she mistrusts not you but her groom).
I hope that everything will be peachy in the future. Being a bride with all the pressures of the great American tradition can probably make you crazy.
And it is a good thing that your friend sided with his bride, that shows integrity and common sense.
So please indulge in your feeling of being treated wrong, since it is a righteous feeling. And then come out of it with an open mind and see how things develop. You are blameless.
And if not, it will be a sorry situation,but you are not at fault. Some things you cannot change,you can only endure with your head held high.
posted by mmkhd at 1:45 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
But it is very much a NO NO, to disinvite anybody! And only a day before the occurrence.
Not being invited is OK, but being uninvited is just-not-done.
That - is - no - manners - at - all. (And shows that she mistrusts not you but her groom).
I hope that everything will be peachy in the future. Being a bride with all the pressures of the great American tradition can probably make you crazy.
And it is a good thing that your friend sided with his bride, that shows integrity and common sense.
So please indulge in your feeling of being treated wrong, since it is a righteous feeling. And then come out of it with an open mind and see how things develop. You are blameless.
And if not, it will be a sorry situation,but you are not at fault. Some things you cannot change,you can only endure with your head held high.
posted by mmkhd at 1:45 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
Also, could the groom (who was your ex-boyfriend and now "best friend") be pissed that you slept with his brother? Because it might be that they're just blaming the bride for the decision.
posted by anniecat at 1:47 PM on July 19, 2009 [7 favorites]
posted by anniecat at 1:47 PM on July 19, 2009 [7 favorites]
Dear annicat,
you're right, but for one thing: UNINVITATION.
Like I said,not inviting is alright and understandable in this kind of situation but uninviting is ugly and mean. (And might be driven by craziness,so no bridges need to be burned just yet,even though it's a bad portent.)
posted by mmkhd at 1:49 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
you're right, but for one thing: UNINVITATION.
Like I said,not inviting is alright and understandable in this kind of situation but uninviting is ugly and mean. (And might be driven by craziness,so no bridges need to be burned just yet,even though it's a bad portent.)
posted by mmkhd at 1:49 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
Well, lets be clear, that if the bride and groom acted as you said, they behaved poorly.
I know you're putting this as a 'support wife > ex scenario', because this is the "bride's day". But I want to question that. If I said anything near that to Mr. Anitanita that I was excluding, not just any ex, but his best friend not from *my*, but from *our* day, not only would we be having a conversation about it where he explained to me that he didn't agree with my decision, but he, and not his brother, would have been classy enough to call the best friend himself. Busy, schmizzy. Who's too busy to act like a decent human being and a friend?
I know Mr. Anitanita's best friend(s), and I imagine if he did tell one of them that they'd been exclued at the 11th hour, they would also express anger and hurt. I think at some point they would also elicit his help in trying to build a relationship with me, probably by asking the best way to approach me, as well as discussing with him how to keep their relationship strong. At some point the 'we're just married' hullaballoo often dies down to way too much togetherness and a desire on both people's parts to see their friends. Perhaps when that time comes, you can address it.
So I don't know if you get back to 'enjoying celebrating this joyous moment'. Often the reason we celebrate is because we are a part of their life, and you just got booted from that celebration. Tackily. Which would be why that hurts. I think you accept your probably great friend who you respect, did something that you don't respect. You accept that you are angry and hurt. You tell your friends (who aren't his friends) and get support from them. Friends are stupid sometimes, so when you get the chance, you say your piece (if you're still upset, you're upset, and the reason why you are upset is not because your great relationship is obviously going to change, but that without effort on both of your parts, it will end, and that would be a super shame. How to avoid that?), and let those chips fall where they may.
...and accept that one of the ways they may fall is that the two of you might not get to be friends for a while/anymore.
I'm sorry - that's the part that really does just suck.
posted by anitanita at 1:53 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
I confess that I do not always understand the subtleties of gift giving, particularly wedding gift giving. However, you might consider returning the gift you purchased them, then spending that money on something to make yourself feel better. Maybe that would help you feel a tiny bit less angry -- which was your stated goal.
Good luck.
posted by amtho at 1:56 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
Good luck.
posted by amtho at 1:56 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
One last thing:
As I said, Mr. Anitanita has some really, really good friends that I would define a best friends. It would never occur to me (as long as they weren't encouraging some sort of negative, unhealthy behavior) to assume that I had the right to tell him to exclude them from important moments in his or our life. Even the ones I don't particularly get on with. He is who he is, in part because of them. We are separate entities. And has his friends, I have mine, and while some overlap, some don't.
I think it's creepy controlling when partners start limiting who and what can be in your life. One day you look around and see that your circle of friends and life is empty because you allowed someone else's values to serve as your moral compass, and some one else's vision and hangups to make your world smaller. Eek.
posted by anitanita at 2:04 PM on July 19, 2009 [10 favorites]
It appears to me that your night with the groom's brother may have signified, in the bride's eyes, something less-than-innocent on your part. (You're vague about what happened, but it does sound as though something romantic happened between you and the brother.) Almost as if, by sleeping with the brother, you are banging the groom by proxy. She may have interpreted it as you saying, "ha ha, bitch, you think I'm out of the groom's life? Not quite."
The bride's magnanimity may have been taxed quite severely in inviting you to the wedding at all --- but she was gracious, accepted the groom's explanations, and found it within herself to invite you. And then she finds out that you slept with the brother. You will be attending the wedding with your sex-stench on the groom's brother. It may have symbolized, for her, a continuing sexual investment in the groom, and it was too much to bear. She may have read your hook-up with the brother as a weird kind of sexual "marking" behavior, a weird sexual incursion into the groom's family since the groom was clearly off-limits.
Frankly, I think she has a point.
posted by jayder at 2:13 PM on July 19, 2009 [14 favorites]
The bride's magnanimity may have been taxed quite severely in inviting you to the wedding at all --- but she was gracious, accepted the groom's explanations, and found it within herself to invite you. And then she finds out that you slept with the brother. You will be attending the wedding with your sex-stench on the groom's brother. It may have symbolized, for her, a continuing sexual investment in the groom, and it was too much to bear. She may have read your hook-up with the brother as a weird kind of sexual "marking" behavior, a weird sexual incursion into the groom's family since the groom was clearly off-limits.
Frankly, I think she has a point.
posted by jayder at 2:13 PM on July 19, 2009 [14 favorites]
"Also, could the groom (who was your ex-boyfriend and now "best friend") be pissed that you slept with his brother?"
I'm probably naïve, but I don't think the OP stated that she had slept with the brother, only that he had stayed the night. I've had male friends stay overnight on occasion, with no sexual hijinks.
Regardless, I don't think this is really any of the bride's business, unless the brother was expected back at the homestead (ie. for more family bonding, they thought he was going to stay there, etc...), and perhaps he didn't let them know that he wasn't going to come back until the next morning? If so, there would be some family drama around that, and since the bride can't disinvite the brother, the groom's former BFF gets the axe.
I would return the gift, send a nice card congratulating them, and as mentioned above, suggest getting together for lunch in the near future. I doubt you can continue the same friendship with him, but I would cut her a (tiny) amount of slack - craziness is in plentiful supply around weddings. See how it goes from here on out, but be prepared for the "prisoner exchange." (Love that phrase!)
posted by HopperFan at 2:23 PM on July 19, 2009
I'm probably naïve, but I don't think the OP stated that she had slept with the brother, only that he had stayed the night. I've had male friends stay overnight on occasion, with no sexual hijinks.
Regardless, I don't think this is really any of the bride's business, unless the brother was expected back at the homestead (ie. for more family bonding, they thought he was going to stay there, etc...), and perhaps he didn't let them know that he wasn't going to come back until the next morning? If so, there would be some family drama around that, and since the bride can't disinvite the brother, the groom's former BFF gets the axe.
I would return the gift, send a nice card congratulating them, and as mentioned above, suggest getting together for lunch in the near future. I doubt you can continue the same friendship with him, but I would cut her a (tiny) amount of slack - craziness is in plentiful supply around weddings. See how it goes from here on out, but be prepared for the "prisoner exchange." (Love that phrase!)
posted by HopperFan at 2:23 PM on July 19, 2009
You're vague about what happened, but it does sound as though something romantic happened between you and the brother.
She's pretty clear, it was just a rumor, as she mentioned in the last part of the post:
He didn't make the right call. What he did was understandable perhaps, but let's be clear here: When forced to make a choice, he didn't take the third option of choosing to have you there and still getting married, he allowed the bride to convince him into not allowing you to be there at all, and not doubt stirling up whispers and drams (everyone knew you were coming). The bride has set, and the groom has agreed to, a certain standard of behavior that has a tendency to repeat itself.
Friends make mistakes, big and small, and we still love them and continue being friends, but you should take steps to protect yourself from being hurt about this relationship as it has a good chance of happening again, in some form or fashion.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:31 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
She's pretty clear, it was just a rumor, as she mentioned in the last part of the post:
PS - I have heard rumors that bride seems to think that brother and I slept together, which I think is probably none of her business, but probably contributed to her not wanting me there. This is just a rumor though.For the original poster, there's one final comment about this line: "I told groom that he was making the right call (wife > friends) but that I was very hurt and sad."
He didn't make the right call. What he did was understandable perhaps, but let's be clear here: When forced to make a choice, he didn't take the third option of choosing to have you there and still getting married, he allowed the bride to convince him into not allowing you to be there at all, and not doubt stirling up whispers and drams (everyone knew you were coming). The bride has set, and the groom has agreed to, a certain standard of behavior that has a tendency to repeat itself.
Friends make mistakes, big and small, and we still love them and continue being friends, but you should take steps to protect yourself from being hurt about this relationship as it has a good chance of happening again, in some form or fashion.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:31 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
I don't know. I mean, it's pretty fishy to me. Maybe the groom's brother has a serious girlfriend or fiance and he stayed the night and was worried that the OP had her eye on him, and he asked the bride and groom if they could keep the OP from attending the wedding, then just blamed the bride for it, because they didn't want to be confrontational.
I know they blame the bride, but I can't see how she would be jealous because the groom's brother spent the night at the OP's place. If she didn't want you there, she wouldn't have invited you in the first place. I think she probably had a lot more important things to deal with than the OP. I think the OP got lied to by dudes.
posted by anniecat at 2:32 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
I know they blame the bride, but I can't see how she would be jealous because the groom's brother spent the night at the OP's place. If she didn't want you there, she wouldn't have invited you in the first place. I think she probably had a lot more important things to deal with than the OP. I think the OP got lied to by dudes.
posted by anniecat at 2:32 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
I would probably send the gift, if just to make them feel bad. You'll know you're the most grown up of all of them.
This will not help you feel the joy you're looking for. It might make you feel self-righteous, but in reality it's a quick way to feel small and petty. I think you should still send the gift, but not if you're doing it to hurt someone else.
As for all the rest, I like the earlier suggestion that you invite them out to lunch or something. If you can also speak privately to your friend without raising any red flags on the wife's part, it would also be good to hear from him what really went on. For me, telling my best friend that I was really hurt by his action (or inaction) would be an important part of the healing process.
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:40 PM on July 19, 2009
This will not help you feel the joy you're looking for. It might make you feel self-righteous, but in reality it's a quick way to feel small and petty. I think you should still send the gift, but not if you're doing it to hurt someone else.
As for all the rest, I like the earlier suggestion that you invite them out to lunch or something. If you can also speak privately to your friend without raising any red flags on the wife's part, it would also be good to hear from him what really went on. For me, telling my best friend that I was really hurt by his action (or inaction) would be an important part of the healing process.
posted by runningwithscissors at 2:40 PM on July 19, 2009
Do not send the gift. You send a gift when you're invited, and you weren't invited; in fact, you were UNinvited, which is just awful. I think to send a gift after all that drama would be a real thumb of the nose, a "you can't control me, I will NEVER leave you alone" gesture. Return the gift, find the plainest, most generic wedding card you can find. Bless Hallmark & Co. for making "congratulations" cards that don't assume that you love the couple and support the marriage.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:48 PM on July 19, 2009 [19 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:48 PM on July 19, 2009 [19 favorites]
You're not actually required to want to "celebrate this joyous moment," you know. Assuming that this happened based on her say-so, the bride has revealed herself to be a bit of a psycho here at the last minute, and it's totally ok for you to be sad that your best friend is marrying someone who is not what you expected/wanted her to be. That doesn't make you any less his friend. And no, you don't need to send the gift.
My two best friends in the world (as in, pseudo-quasi-adopted-siblings) happen to be guys (not exes), and over our 15+ years together I have dealt with every flavor of jealous/psycho significant other. And if one of them were to marry a psycho, there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it. If one of them decides to cut me out of his wedding, or out of his life, because of the psychowife, there's nothing I can do about that either. All I can do is stay classy, and live my life.
Then, if he's truly happy with her, I will miss him immensely, but hey, my boy is happy. And if he's not happy with her, then I will be there for my boy whenever he reaches out his hand to me again, whether it's one year later, or ten, or fifty. Honestly, that's all you can do. I know it's not the easiest path, but as you can see from some of the less-than-generous viewpoints expressed earlier in this thread, it seems to be the risk we run as the brazen hussies who (gasp!) dare to befriend the menfolk.
Best of luck to you.
posted by somanyamys at 2:54 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
My two best friends in the world (as in, pseudo-quasi-adopted-siblings) happen to be guys (not exes), and over our 15+ years together I have dealt with every flavor of jealous/psycho significant other. And if one of them were to marry a psycho, there would be absolutely nothing I could do about it. If one of them decides to cut me out of his wedding, or out of his life, because of the psychowife, there's nothing I can do about that either. All I can do is stay classy, and live my life.
Then, if he's truly happy with her, I will miss him immensely, but hey, my boy is happy. And if he's not happy with her, then I will be there for my boy whenever he reaches out his hand to me again, whether it's one year later, or ten, or fifty. Honestly, that's all you can do. I know it's not the easiest path, but as you can see from some of the less-than-generous viewpoints expressed earlier in this thread, it seems to be the risk we run as the brazen hussies who (gasp!) dare to befriend the menfolk.
Best of luck to you.
posted by somanyamys at 2:54 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
Answer #2, by pseudostrabismus, is the right one. A lot of these other answers are discussing the situation without actually answering your question (which I was tempted to do myself!), but pseudostrabismus is right on all counts.
posted by srrh at 3:21 PM on July 19, 2009
posted by srrh at 3:21 PM on July 19, 2009
I don't think the way your friend and his bride have acted augurs well for any future potential relationships — the one between them as well as theirs with you, but we'll concentrate on your relationship with them. For them to react negatively because they think you slept with the groom's brother (whether you did or not isn't the point nor is it any one's business but yours and bro's) and the disinvite through the grapevine is really pretty crappy. And I agree with the suggestion that the groom may be the one who had the problem with you possibly sleeping with his brother, especially when he doesn't get along with him. I'm trying to decide whether I would mind an ex of mine sleeping with my sister prior to my wedding, and the answer seems to depend on whether I'm really over the ex or not. The groom may not be as over you as he claims, and the bride may sense that have quite reasonably have a problem with it. Meanwhile, judging from your account of what happened, you haven't done anything wrong.
It's not really a good idea to try too hard to make things work with someone who has treated you badly. Just leave the ball in their court. Let them come to you and show they are ready to try to resolve the matter, and see how you feel about doing so at that point. And... I don't think I'd send them any gift. You'll have plenty of gift-giving opportunities later on should you make things up with them. Sending the gift now is too problematic.
posted by orange swan at 3:26 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's not really a good idea to try too hard to make things work with someone who has treated you badly. Just leave the ball in their court. Let them come to you and show they are ready to try to resolve the matter, and see how you feel about doing so at that point. And... I don't think I'd send them any gift. You'll have plenty of gift-giving opportunities later on should you make things up with them. Sending the gift now is too problematic.
posted by orange swan at 3:26 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I realize, spurred by srrh, that I didn't directly answer the specific question anonymous asked.
how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life?
Well, since you were disinvited, I don't think it's necessary to "get back" to celebrating the wedding. I think the best thing you can do, for yourself, to try to preserve the friendship, is to write an apologetic letter to groom and bride, asking them to forgive you for any lapse of judgment and hoping that the three of you can remain friends. But I wouldn't count on that happening.
Like I said, I know he made the right call in supporting his wife, but now I have the problem of thinking his wife is a bitch.
My answer above was an attempt to explain why I don't think it's fair to think she is a bitch.
posted by jayder at 3:27 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life?
Well, since you were disinvited, I don't think it's necessary to "get back" to celebrating the wedding. I think the best thing you can do, for yourself, to try to preserve the friendship, is to write an apologetic letter to groom and bride, asking them to forgive you for any lapse of judgment and hoping that the three of you can remain friends. But I wouldn't count on that happening.
Like I said, I know he made the right call in supporting his wife, but now I have the problem of thinking his wife is a bitch.
My answer above was an attempt to explain why I don't think it's fair to think she is a bitch.
posted by jayder at 3:27 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Have you tried telling yourself that it's okay to be angry about this? What's your real goal here? If the anger is simply fucking with your groove, unilateral de-angrifying without discussion may not be the best way to do this. That's because in truth it is really hard, and takes a person with the patience of a saint, to just remove emotions you don't like.
If you want to get rid of the anger because you want things to be as they were before, it won't work. Everyone will remember what happened and will keep telling their own stories about it to themselves, for years and decades perhaps. You won't win by being a doormat, because a healthy human being isn't set up to function that way in the long term. You'll have to mourn the loss of the moment of celebration.
Not being a saint or a monk, I try to use a process to get over things. This process involves acknowledging that it's ok to be angry - that you are right; that it's okay to think that the wife is a bitch for this. Another part is acknowledging that even though you think the other person has feelings - they may be frightened and angry and thinking irrationally, and they may have a reasonable origin for these feelings. You say this yourself - "this is what I did wrong."
A real solution will involve everyone's feelings, because theyre here - they can't be switched off. The work of a solution involves actually figuring out what you need and what your friend needs in order to continue to be friends. That involves talking and listening. This talking is difficult and can veer off into a fight, so a trusted mutual friend can be a help there.
It might be worth a few hours consulting with a therapist to work through what your goals are here. Approaches will differ depending on what you want.
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:35 PM on July 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
If you want to get rid of the anger because you want things to be as they were before, it won't work. Everyone will remember what happened and will keep telling their own stories about it to themselves, for years and decades perhaps. You won't win by being a doormat, because a healthy human being isn't set up to function that way in the long term. You'll have to mourn the loss of the moment of celebration.
Not being a saint or a monk, I try to use a process to get over things. This process involves acknowledging that it's ok to be angry - that you are right; that it's okay to think that the wife is a bitch for this. Another part is acknowledging that even though you think the other person has feelings - they may be frightened and angry and thinking irrationally, and they may have a reasonable origin for these feelings. You say this yourself - "this is what I did wrong."
A real solution will involve everyone's feelings, because theyre here - they can't be switched off. The work of a solution involves actually figuring out what you need and what your friend needs in order to continue to be friends. That involves talking and listening. This talking is difficult and can veer off into a fight, so a trusted mutual friend can be a help there.
It might be worth a few hours consulting with a therapist to work through what your goals are here. Approaches will differ depending on what you want.
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:35 PM on July 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
"I don't know. I mean, it's pretty fishy to me. Maybe the groom's brother has a serious girlfriend or fiance and he stayed the night and was worried that the OP had her eye on him, and he asked the bride and groom if they could keep the OP from attending the wedding, then just blamed the bride for it, because they didn't want to be confrontational."
Maybe the OP's a Nazi spy sent to steal the ark of the covenant. Or maybe you're spinning weird-ass suppositions in order to enjoy a little more vicarious drama instead of bothering to give real advice (I mean, seriously, sending a gift as revenge? What kind of passive-aggressive tween bullshit is that?).
The OP's got a right to be chapped here, should return the gift and send a card instead, and should probably try to get a moment alone where she talks to either the bride or groom or both and makes clear her feelings in a calm, non-judgmental way if she wants to get past this like an adult.
posted by klangklangston at 3:36 PM on July 19, 2009 [7 favorites]
Maybe the OP's a Nazi spy sent to steal the ark of the covenant. Or maybe you're spinning weird-ass suppositions in order to enjoy a little more vicarious drama instead of bothering to give real advice (I mean, seriously, sending a gift as revenge? What kind of passive-aggressive tween bullshit is that?).
The OP's got a right to be chapped here, should return the gift and send a card instead, and should probably try to get a moment alone where she talks to either the bride or groom or both and makes clear her feelings in a calm, non-judgmental way if she wants to get past this like an adult.
posted by klangklangston at 3:36 PM on July 19, 2009 [7 favorites]
"I think the best thing you can do, for yourself, to try to preserve the friendship, is to write an apologetic letter to groom and bride, asking them to forgive you for any lapse of judgment and hoping that the three of you can remain friends. But I wouldn't count on that happening."
Pish tosh. That's nuts too. The OP didn't do anything wrong, and kowtowing to bizarro presumed sexual jealousies is only going to continue the communication breakdown.
posted by klangklangston at 3:39 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
Pish tosh. That's nuts too. The OP didn't do anything wrong, and kowtowing to bizarro presumed sexual jealousies is only going to continue the communication breakdown.
posted by klangklangston at 3:39 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
er, should be even though you think the newlyweds are wrong...
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:48 PM on July 19, 2009
posted by By The Grace of God at 3:48 PM on July 19, 2009
The OP didn't do anything wrong,
This is a situation where she may have to choose between being right, and keeping her friend.
posted by jayder at 3:54 PM on July 19, 2009
This is a situation where she may have to choose between being right, and keeping her friend.
posted by jayder at 3:54 PM on July 19, 2009
I freely admit that it's not even in the same ballpark, but I once got un-invited to a New Year's party that my ex and his new girlfriend were throwing. They'd talked about inviting me, and she uneasily said yes -- but then two days before told him she'd changed her mind, and he uninvited me.
Again, this isn't even in the same ballpark. But -- what I think MAY be helpful to you is to know that my friend felt guilty as ALL hell after the fuss died down, and told me so. We talked about it -- I told him how hurt I'd been, he told me how at the time he just felt trapped but now he knew it was the wrong thing, and eventually (it took a little while) we both got past it.
I have a feeling that after the fuss of the wedding dies down, your friend may realize he screwed up like whoa, and try to make amends.
Forgive yourself for feeling angry -- it's natural to do so -- and just take your friend's new life and your place in it by ear. He did something that hurt you, and it's understandable to feel awful. But wait to figure out how to play it until you see more about what your friend does towards you down the road. this may be a temporary "we thought this was the right thing to do, but hindsight let me see it was wrong" thing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:56 PM on July 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
Again, this isn't even in the same ballpark. But -- what I think MAY be helpful to you is to know that my friend felt guilty as ALL hell after the fuss died down, and told me so. We talked about it -- I told him how hurt I'd been, he told me how at the time he just felt trapped but now he knew it was the wrong thing, and eventually (it took a little while) we both got past it.
I have a feeling that after the fuss of the wedding dies down, your friend may realize he screwed up like whoa, and try to make amends.
Forgive yourself for feeling angry -- it's natural to do so -- and just take your friend's new life and your place in it by ear. He did something that hurt you, and it's understandable to feel awful. But wait to figure out how to play it until you see more about what your friend does towards you down the road. this may be a temporary "we thought this was the right thing to do, but hindsight let me see it was wrong" thing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:56 PM on July 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
It's really fantastic that you are so respectful of your friend's relationship and obligations to his wife. However, doing something unkind together, as a couple, is still doing something unkind. Your friend may have felt trapped--his stressed out bride springing this last minute demand on him--but however right it is for him to make sacrifices for his wife, it is wrong for him to acquiesce to her in ways that hurt his friends, and especially wrong to do so while blaming his wife ("I would totally love to have you there, but Bridezilla over here won't budge...").
It's entirely possible that the wife may not want you to be friends with her husband, period, and may be demanding that he comply. If that's how she feels (and if the un-invitation is indicative of his behavior), then you may just have to write off the friendship. If I were you, I'd sort out my feelings--acknowledge that I'm hurt and angry, cool off until I can talk about it calmly--and then call the friend up, say you were hurt and confused by the uninvitation, and ask if there's room for me in his life. Even if you can get over this uninvitation business (and even if you apologize for some imaginary "wrong" you did), your friend may just no longer be available to you as a friend.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:59 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
It's entirely possible that the wife may not want you to be friends with her husband, period, and may be demanding that he comply. If that's how she feels (and if the un-invitation is indicative of his behavior), then you may just have to write off the friendship. If I were you, I'd sort out my feelings--acknowledge that I'm hurt and angry, cool off until I can talk about it calmly--and then call the friend up, say you were hurt and confused by the uninvitation, and ask if there's room for me in his life. Even if you can get over this uninvitation business (and even if you apologize for some imaginary "wrong" you did), your friend may just no longer be available to you as a friend.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:59 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
The OP didn't do anything wrong, and kowtowing to bizarro presumed sexual jealousies is only going to continue the communication breakdown.
You're right, but in this situation, it might be good for the OP to put in a good faith effort, at least at first, to appease the craziness. Doesn't mean she has to continue doing it or put up with any shit, but since she's trying to look forward in a positive way, actually putting some work in would fit with what's she's trying to do.
However, the more the I personally think about it, the more it seems the groom needs "WTF man?!"
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:02 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
You're right, but in this situation, it might be good for the OP to put in a good faith effort, at least at first, to appease the craziness. Doesn't mean she has to continue doing it or put up with any shit, but since she's trying to look forward in a positive way, actually putting some work in would fit with what's she's trying to do.
However, the more the I personally think about it, the more it seems the groom needs "WTF man?!"
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:02 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life?
Does she make him happy? Really, truly happy? If so, and you still care about him - even when his new wife craps all over you and he is unable or unwilling to stop her - then that should be enough. Even if your relationship with him never recovers.
Maybe one or both of them will someday attempt to make amends with you. It sounds like you're mature enough to let them try. And that's a good thing, if they are sincere.
On the other hand, this woman who your best friend has promised to love, cherish, and support for the rest of his life, may not want you in that life. And if that's the case, you really can't do anything about it as long as he is unwilling or unable to convince her otherwise.
But if she makes him happy, despite your absence in his life, maybe that should be enough for you. Either way, ball's in their court.
posted by mikewas at 6:16 PM on July 19, 2009
Does she make him happy? Really, truly happy? If so, and you still care about him - even when his new wife craps all over you and he is unable or unwilling to stop her - then that should be enough. Even if your relationship with him never recovers.
Maybe one or both of them will someday attempt to make amends with you. It sounds like you're mature enough to let them try. And that's a good thing, if they are sincere.
On the other hand, this woman who your best friend has promised to love, cherish, and support for the rest of his life, may not want you in that life. And if that's the case, you really can't do anything about it as long as he is unwilling or unable to convince her otherwise.
But if she makes him happy, despite your absence in his life, maybe that should be enough for you. Either way, ball's in their court.
posted by mikewas at 6:16 PM on July 19, 2009
how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life?
I have always found in my own life that, in the long run, knuckling under to people's unreasonable and unfair behaviour and setting myself up for more of the same by remaining in their lives on their terms just generated more anger, and the anger built up to the point where it was nearly impossible to staunch.
As I said above, I don't think it's a good idea to initiate contact with your friend. Let him approach you, and make sure you get what you need, be that an apology or whatever, before you take up the friendship again.
posted by orange swan at 6:32 PM on July 19, 2009 [5 favorites]
I have always found in my own life that, in the long run, knuckling under to people's unreasonable and unfair behaviour and setting myself up for more of the same by remaining in their lives on their terms just generated more anger, and the anger built up to the point where it was nearly impossible to staunch.
As I said above, I don't think it's a good idea to initiate contact with your friend. Let him approach you, and make sure you get what you need, be that an apology or whatever, before you take up the friendship again.
posted by orange swan at 6:32 PM on July 19, 2009 [5 favorites]
(...) Facebook updates with pictures and congrats are not helping.
And that's why you should unfriend him on Facebook. Now. Don't send the gift, don't send a card, and don't ask for explanations. It seems to me that this friendship is over, and the best thing you can do now is tell yourself that you're better off without him. The alternative would be more drama and negative emotions.
Right now, you're at the first stage of grief: denial. If you still want to contact him/them, google "emotional cheating": "In a survey I recently conducted, a little over 75% of women said that emotional cheating would leave them feeling more betrayed than sexual cheating."
posted by iviken at 6:35 PM on July 19, 2009
And that's why you should unfriend him on Facebook. Now. Don't send the gift, don't send a card, and don't ask for explanations. It seems to me that this friendship is over, and the best thing you can do now is tell yourself that you're better off without him. The alternative would be more drama and negative emotions.
Right now, you're at the first stage of grief: denial. If you still want to contact him/them, google "emotional cheating": "In a survey I recently conducted, a little over 75% of women said that emotional cheating would leave them feeling more betrayed than sexual cheating."
posted by iviken at 6:35 PM on July 19, 2009
Her choice to remove you from the guest list made your past relationship with the groom the gossip topic of Her Day. It was the topic people stopped discussing when she walked up to say hello. People probably asked the groom where you were. It was awkward for her and everyone. If you're the vengeful type - you've already got your vengeance. She accidentally used you to ruin a bit of her own wedding.
On the other hand, I'd forgo vengeance and simply say good riddance. Personally, I univite drama queens from my life. That couple now has a decidedly melodramatic flavor and you're probably never going to really trust either of them again.
posted by 26.2 at 6:37 PM on July 19, 2009 [5 favorites]
On the other hand, I'd forgo vengeance and simply say good riddance. Personally, I univite drama queens from my life. That couple now has a decidedly melodramatic flavor and you're probably never going to really trust either of them again.
posted by 26.2 at 6:37 PM on July 19, 2009 [5 favorites]
She accidentally used you to ruin a bit of her own wedding.
Or maybe she happily disinvited anonymous, and then proceeded to enjoy "her day" with nary a thought of anonymous crossing her mind.
posted by jayder at 6:44 PM on July 19, 2009
Or maybe she happily disinvited anonymous, and then proceeded to enjoy "her day" with nary a thought of anonymous crossing her mind.
posted by jayder at 6:44 PM on July 19, 2009
Uninviting the ex a day before the wedding? That doesn't go unnoticed.
posted by 26.2 at 6:55 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by 26.2 at 6:55 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
You're allowed to be angry. It was completely ungracious, rude, and in poor taste to withdraw the invitation, and is further compounded by the fact that they did it through another person. I imagine it also smarts that this became such a public act because people planned on seeing you there, and then found out you were uninvited for ambiguous reasons. You're being very mature and kind about this, but they both owe you an apology. The time to not invite you was when the original invitation list was compiled (and when you graciously said you were okay with not being invited).
I find their behavior really odd, because it was such a last minute decision and seems linked to the entertaining of the groom's brother. I would not be surprised if what compelled the bride to uninvite you was not how she felt about what you may or may not have done with the groom's brother, but how her husband-to-be responded when his brother spent the night. He cares too much, any insecurities she has about you surface, and the only way to make it okay between the two of them so close to the wedding is for him to make this gesture of uninviting you. Even if that is the case, it's still entirely crappy, and I am really sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of their behavior regardless of their reasoning.
How do you get over being angry? An apology would probably help quite a bit, but that's not something you can control. You can control, however, what shows up on your feed in Facebook, and perhaps minimizing the updates from friends and family involved for a week or so would help. I would also let your friend come to you. Try to focus on other things, and time will lessen the impact of the hurt. Oh, and I would also suggest sending them the wedding present and card you originally had for them. Get it out of your house, it extends your well wishes in spite of your hurt feelings, and frankly, the class and caring it demonstrates should make them both feel like assholes for treating you so terribly.
posted by katemcd at 6:55 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I find their behavior really odd, because it was such a last minute decision and seems linked to the entertaining of the groom's brother. I would not be surprised if what compelled the bride to uninvite you was not how she felt about what you may or may not have done with the groom's brother, but how her husband-to-be responded when his brother spent the night. He cares too much, any insecurities she has about you surface, and the only way to make it okay between the two of them so close to the wedding is for him to make this gesture of uninviting you. Even if that is the case, it's still entirely crappy, and I am really sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of their behavior regardless of their reasoning.
How do you get over being angry? An apology would probably help quite a bit, but that's not something you can control. You can control, however, what shows up on your feed in Facebook, and perhaps minimizing the updates from friends and family involved for a week or so would help. I would also let your friend come to you. Try to focus on other things, and time will lessen the impact of the hurt. Oh, and I would also suggest sending them the wedding present and card you originally had for them. Get it out of your house, it extends your well wishes in spite of your hurt feelings, and frankly, the class and caring it demonstrates should make them both feel like assholes for treating you so terribly.
posted by katemcd at 6:55 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Um, it's a wedding. Being frivolous is sort of the point, no?
You cannot expect its participants to just, you know, act logically all of a sudden.
posted by trotter at 7:16 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
You cannot expect its participants to just, you know, act logically all of a sudden.
posted by trotter at 7:16 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
jayder:
She may have read your hook-up with the brother as a weird kind of sexual "marking" behavior, a weird sexual incursion into the groom's family since the groom was clearly off-limits.
Then the bride is crazy. She is crazy. We are not animals, and it is not sufficient to blame someone's sense of marital ritualism for being a bad person.
posted by trotter at 7:19 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
She may have read your hook-up with the brother as a weird kind of sexual "marking" behavior, a weird sexual incursion into the groom's family since the groom was clearly off-limits.
Then the bride is crazy. She is crazy. We are not animals, and it is not sufficient to blame someone's sense of marital ritualism for being a bad person.
posted by trotter at 7:19 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
Oh, for crying out loud. There was a big to-do about inviting you, and then you were asked not to attend. Rude, tacky, intolerable behavior. You don't disinvite people to a social event for anything but a gross violation of social standards. Sleeping with the groom's brother is not a disinviting offense. If it were, there would be a terrifying plague of disinvitations. Now, if you slept with the groom, you'd be in very interesting etiquette territory.
Stand up straight, look the groom-buddy in the eye and say "I value your friendship, please let me know if you expect to continue it." Don't accept this appalling behavior. It has nothing to do with friendship.
posted by theora55 at 7:21 PM on July 19, 2009
Stand up straight, look the groom-buddy in the eye and say "I value your friendship, please let me know if you expect to continue it." Don't accept this appalling behavior. It has nothing to do with friendship.
posted by theora55 at 7:21 PM on July 19, 2009
Uninviting the ex a day before the wedding? That doesn't go unnoticed.
I cannot imagine a scenario where people would be coming up and asking the groom, "Where is your ex-girlfriend?" I assure you, the whereabouts of a former girlfriend was the furthest thing from anyone's mind on his wedding day.
I know you may just be trying to make anonymous feel good, but let's not be ridiculous. The bride's day was surely not ruined because she disinvited the ex.
posted by jayder at 7:21 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I cannot imagine a scenario where people would be coming up and asking the groom, "Where is your ex-girlfriend?" I assure you, the whereabouts of a former girlfriend was the furthest thing from anyone's mind on his wedding day.
I know you may just be trying to make anonymous feel good, but let's not be ridiculous. The bride's day was surely not ruined because she disinvited the ex.
posted by jayder at 7:21 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I still think anniecat was on the money and that the bride never knew about the disinviting. The whole thing sounds fishy, down to the brother giving the news and the groom confirming after being called on it. With all the craziness involved in a wedding and seating plans and etc., no bride wants *any* change the day before her wedding. She's probably mad the OP was a "no-show," but OP will most likely never know one way or the other. Dear OP, you are better than this drama - send the gift, "hide" the newlyweds and any fam/friends Facebook for a few weeks (or longer!), trash the "prisoner's exchange" shwag, and proceed with your fabulous life without this guy.
posted by jenh at 7:38 PM on July 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by jenh at 7:38 PM on July 19, 2009 [2 favorites]
The bride is a melodramatic, jealous bitch. She's mad at you because she thinks you slept with the groom's brother? pfff. Why wasn't the groom's brother uninvited? She was looking for an excuse not to include you and I think she was probably subconsciously looking for a situation to make him pick her and not you.
This. When two people are planning a wedding, they're focused on themselves, and nobody else. She shouldn't even have you on her mind, and that she does indicates she wasn't really comfortable having you there in the first place.
This won't make you feel any less mad, of course. In a way, this might have been the kind of thing she was hoping for, because now you'll be mad at him and so no longer any kind of threat (even if you weren't before, I'm sure you were in her mind.)
I'd say your best bet here is to accept that you and your friend responded appropriately given your respective roles; ie you bowed out gracefully and he supported his wife's desires. That, however, doesn't mean he thinks she was right (he probably doesn't) and that doesn't mean it was fair (it wasn't) and so continuing to be his friend -- because he's your friend, not because you want revenge -- is the best way to proceed. Hopefully it'll be a bad judgement call on her part due to the stress of everything and you'll all move on, and if not -- if she continues looking for ways to cause you grief and drive you away from your friend -- you'll have the moral high ground to say "look, she's your wife, and I'm not going to make you choose, but I can't take this any more" and walk away.
posted by davejay at 7:43 PM on July 19, 2009
This. When two people are planning a wedding, they're focused on themselves, and nobody else. She shouldn't even have you on her mind, and that she does indicates she wasn't really comfortable having you there in the first place.
This won't make you feel any less mad, of course. In a way, this might have been the kind of thing she was hoping for, because now you'll be mad at him and so no longer any kind of threat (even if you weren't before, I'm sure you were in her mind.)
I'd say your best bet here is to accept that you and your friend responded appropriately given your respective roles; ie you bowed out gracefully and he supported his wife's desires. That, however, doesn't mean he thinks she was right (he probably doesn't) and that doesn't mean it was fair (it wasn't) and so continuing to be his friend -- because he's your friend, not because you want revenge -- is the best way to proceed. Hopefully it'll be a bad judgement call on her part due to the stress of everything and you'll all move on, and if not -- if she continues looking for ways to cause you grief and drive you away from your friend -- you'll have the moral high ground to say "look, she's your wife, and I'm not going to make you choose, but I can't take this any more" and walk away.
posted by davejay at 7:43 PM on July 19, 2009
Jayder - I'm genuninely not doing that.
If she'd never have been invited, it would have been cool. This is obviously a gossipy bunch. Otherwise, who would care what consenting adult slept with another consenting adult. If you came up to me and commented on who my sister slept with I'd give you the dead-eyed stare. It's not your business or mine.
As it stands, they've been commenting on wedding blogs together and making plans around the wedding. Friends expected to see her there. In a gossipy bunch - yes, I think it got noticed.
However, we are decidedly off the poster's original question. Let take this to Memail if you want to discuss it further.
posted by 26.2 at 7:43 PM on July 19, 2009
If she'd never have been invited, it would have been cool. This is obviously a gossipy bunch. Otherwise, who would care what consenting adult slept with another consenting adult. If you came up to me and commented on who my sister slept with I'd give you the dead-eyed stare. It's not your business or mine.
As it stands, they've been commenting on wedding blogs together and making plans around the wedding. Friends expected to see her there. In a gossipy bunch - yes, I think it got noticed.
However, we are decidedly off the poster's original question. Let take this to Memail if you want to discuss it further.
posted by 26.2 at 7:43 PM on July 19, 2009
Listen to EmpressCallipygos. Ignore Jayder, who doesn't seem to be operating in any normal dimension of human interaction or etiquette. I mean, not being able to imagine a situation where one friend asks another friend, hey, where's our mutual friend whom we were told was attending and whom we were looking forward to seeing because we are from out of town and don't get many opportunities? That's like saying, "I can't imagine this Bond movie includes a car chase and an inept actress as the love interest!"
posted by klangklangston at 8:21 PM on July 19, 2009
posted by klangklangston at 8:21 PM on July 19, 2009
Every wedding has someone who is expected to be there, but isn't. It ruins no one's day, except perhaps the person who is not there. As much pleasure as it may give the absent person to think the day was ruined, weddings are too hectic and crazy for the absent person to loom very large in anyone's mind.
But back to the point. Anonymous, you feel bad about missing the wedding. You feel bad about the blow to your friendship with the groom. Try being forward-looking, take a few small steps to repair whatever damage was done, and let it go. Clearly, you did not feel it was a necessity that you be there, since you yourself told the bride and groom that you understood if you were not invited. Focus on repairing the friendship, and try not to hold a grudge against the bride. Repairing the friendship is clearly what's important to you, and nursing a grudge against the bride will just stand in the way.
posted by jayder at 8:31 PM on July 19, 2009
But back to the point. Anonymous, you feel bad about missing the wedding. You feel bad about the blow to your friendship with the groom. Try being forward-looking, take a few small steps to repair whatever damage was done, and let it go. Clearly, you did not feel it was a necessity that you be there, since you yourself told the bride and groom that you understood if you were not invited. Focus on repairing the friendship, and try not to hold a grudge against the bride. Repairing the friendship is clearly what's important to you, and nursing a grudge against the bride will just stand in the way.
posted by jayder at 8:31 PM on July 19, 2009
"Sleeping with the groom's brother is not a disinviting offense."
This is seriously a huge YMMV. There are plenty of circles out there that would believe a disinvitation is getting off light.
My first reaction, which hasn't changed since I've read the comments, is that this is about the groom's brother spending the night.
If she was actually the one to disinvite you, she was doing it because she thinks you slept with his brother only because you can't have him, maybe she was trying to establish dominance and wasn't as mature as one would hope, or she was afraid of drama between you and the groom's brother or maybe the groom's brother's gf. Maybe one of her bridesmaids had a crush on him and the bridesmaid is an overbearing bitch and ruined her friend's wedding day by making her force her fiancee to disinvite his best friend.
Maybe your friend thought you slept with his brother.
"Maybe the OP's a Nazi spy sent to steal the ark of the covenant."
Could be. We don't know. The only people that know for sure are the brother, the groom, and maybe his bride. There are millions of possibilities. Weddings are HUGELY chaotic. Massively stressful. And humans are often not that great at communication anyway, it could be that there is a gross misunderstanding that resulted in a very unfortunate ending for you.
This is one of those situations where none of us on the internet can tell you what happened. You need to go to the groom and bride and figure out what happened. Be prepared for losing your best friend to a crazy bitch-wife or for finding out it was a misunderstanding.
"how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life?"
You can lose your friend forever by sending the gift back and cutting him out of your life for this perceived slight.
Or you can figure out the details and decide if it was a rude insult or not and then return the gift or give it to them.
Give them some time to enjoy their honeymoon etc. This is all about THEM getting married. It is not about you. Wait for the stress of the weeding to wear down and then approach it in a friendly, non-judgmental manner.
Good Luck!
posted by silkygreenbelly at 9:03 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is seriously a huge YMMV. There are plenty of circles out there that would believe a disinvitation is getting off light.
My first reaction, which hasn't changed since I've read the comments, is that this is about the groom's brother spending the night.
If she was actually the one to disinvite you, she was doing it because she thinks you slept with his brother only because you can't have him, maybe she was trying to establish dominance and wasn't as mature as one would hope, or she was afraid of drama between you and the groom's brother or maybe the groom's brother's gf. Maybe one of her bridesmaids had a crush on him and the bridesmaid is an overbearing bitch and ruined her friend's wedding day by making her force her fiancee to disinvite his best friend.
Maybe your friend thought you slept with his brother.
"Maybe the OP's a Nazi spy sent to steal the ark of the covenant."
Could be. We don't know. The only people that know for sure are the brother, the groom, and maybe his bride. There are millions of possibilities. Weddings are HUGELY chaotic. Massively stressful. And humans are often not that great at communication anyway, it could be that there is a gross misunderstanding that resulted in a very unfortunate ending for you.
This is one of those situations where none of us on the internet can tell you what happened. You need to go to the groom and bride and figure out what happened. Be prepared for losing your best friend to a crazy bitch-wife or for finding out it was a misunderstanding.
"how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life?"
You can lose your friend forever by sending the gift back and cutting him out of your life for this perceived slight.
Or you can figure out the details and decide if it was a rude insult or not and then return the gift or give it to them.
Give them some time to enjoy their honeymoon etc. This is all about THEM getting married. It is not about you. Wait for the stress of the weeding to wear down and then approach it in a friendly, non-judgmental manner.
Good Luck!
posted by silkygreenbelly at 9:03 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Yeah, but the point is that she DIDN'T sleep with the groom's brother and so the bride is disinviting her based on an unfounded rumor. I feel like there are a few posters being judgy-judgy here for this perceived infraction, except we have no idea what happened between OP and groom's brother. It sounds like OP was trying to do the groom a favor, maybe she and groom's brother got drunk or something and he stayed over, but that really does sound like the extent of it. Nothing the OP has said implies that she "hooked up" in any way with the groom's brother. So this is an incredibly petty excuse for disinvitation.
I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with an ex not being invited to a wedding. Although I don't think possessive, controlling behavior is appropriate, I do think there are certain people who may, at one time or another, pose threats to a couple's relationship, not necessarily because of the people involved but because of a dynamic they represent or some such. But if this is the case, the time for the bride and groom to work this out is while they're writing the guest list, not the freaking *day before the wedding.*
OP, I don't think you should try to be the bigger person immediately; you should scream and be pissed off and rant to one of your friends (who has nothing to do with the groom or the wedding). Then, in time, figure out how you want to proceed. But you can't do anything now without it being tainted by very strong emotions so I'd hold out on sending the gift, returning it, sending a card, etc. until you calm down a little. You're totally right to be angry; wait until you're not quite so angry to figure out what to do about it.
posted by alicetiara at 9:20 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
I don't think there is anything necessarily wrong with an ex not being invited to a wedding. Although I don't think possessive, controlling behavior is appropriate, I do think there are certain people who may, at one time or another, pose threats to a couple's relationship, not necessarily because of the people involved but because of a dynamic they represent or some such. But if this is the case, the time for the bride and groom to work this out is while they're writing the guest list, not the freaking *day before the wedding.*
OP, I don't think you should try to be the bigger person immediately; you should scream and be pissed off and rant to one of your friends (who has nothing to do with the groom or the wedding). Then, in time, figure out how you want to proceed. But you can't do anything now without it being tainted by very strong emotions so I'd hold out on sending the gift, returning it, sending a card, etc. until you calm down a little. You're totally right to be angry; wait until you're not quite so angry to figure out what to do about it.
posted by alicetiara at 9:20 PM on July 19, 2009 [3 favorites]
"so the bride is disinviting her based on an unfounded rumor"
My roommates used to watch the behind-the-scenes wedding shows all the time and I've seen enough friends and relatives get married and I don't see a ton of brides taking the time to dig out the truth. I can easily see a nasty rumor quickly getting way out of hand in the chaotic environment of a wedding and the bride or maybe even the groom (using the bride as a scapegoat) doing something rash and something they very well regret.
I feel like a lot of comments in this thread jumped to the conclusion that the OP should cut and run from her best friend. She might eventually recover from the hurt feelings and anger by giving it time, but addressing the issue with a mature level of communication will either find her a sense of closure about what why she lost her friend, or it will mend the fence.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:09 PM on July 19, 2009
My roommates used to watch the behind-the-scenes wedding shows all the time and I've seen enough friends and relatives get married and I don't see a ton of brides taking the time to dig out the truth. I can easily see a nasty rumor quickly getting way out of hand in the chaotic environment of a wedding and the bride or maybe even the groom (using the bride as a scapegoat) doing something rash and something they very well regret.
I feel like a lot of comments in this thread jumped to the conclusion that the OP should cut and run from her best friend. She might eventually recover from the hurt feelings and anger by giving it time, but addressing the issue with a mature level of communication will either find her a sense of closure about what why she lost her friend, or it will mend the fence.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 10:09 PM on July 19, 2009
You have to accept that he's not your best friend anymore and his first and most important relationship is to her.
I find this confusing, to say the least. My husband's best friend(s) didn't automatically lose best-friend status because we got married, any more than my best friend(s) did. We're spouses, not best friends--it's a different relationship. Our siblings didn't lose sibling status, either.
And blah blah it's different when people are heterosexual and opposite genders, because seeing as I'm bisexual, under this rubric I could never have any friends at all.
Look, it sucks. You have the right to be angry, because your friend and his wife did something very rude. You're not the one who has to make the next move--they are. Best case scenario, they apologize for the wedding craziness and try to make amends. Worse case scenario, she's the kind of spouse who wants to pick and choose the spouse's friends.
In which case, you're better off without that craziness in your life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:26 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
I find this confusing, to say the least. My husband's best friend(s) didn't automatically lose best-friend status because we got married, any more than my best friend(s) did. We're spouses, not best friends--it's a different relationship. Our siblings didn't lose sibling status, either.
And blah blah it's different when people are heterosexual and opposite genders, because seeing as I'm bisexual, under this rubric I could never have any friends at all.
Look, it sucks. You have the right to be angry, because your friend and his wife did something very rude. You're not the one who has to make the next move--they are. Best case scenario, they apologize for the wedding craziness and try to make amends. Worse case scenario, she's the kind of spouse who wants to pick and choose the spouse's friends.
In which case, you're better off without that craziness in your life.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:26 PM on July 19, 2009 [4 favorites]
Every wedding has someone who is expected to be there, but isn't. It ruins no one's day, except perhaps the person who is not there.
That's who's posting, though. And she has every right to be pissed off by her friend and his spouse's shitty behavior.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:28 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
That's who's posting, though. And she has every right to be pissed off by her friend and his spouse's shitty behavior.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:28 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Don't send the gift. People who are invited send gifts. When people who aren't invited send gifts, that can be rude, too. Some people who aren't invited send gifts to be passive aggressive (like you would be): "Oh that's okay that I didn't get invited, I'm willing to forgive that horrible thing you did, here is your gift, I'm so happy for you, and even though you didn't want me there I'm still forcing you to think about me, but don't feel guilty!"
Sending the gift will make you feel bad and them feel bad (bad/guilty or bad/annoyed).
Not sending the gift will make you feel good. How they feel will depend on the real reason that you were uninvited.
It is up to the groom and/or his wife to make the next overture to you if the friendship is going to continue.
You don't need to send any card, or apologize at all. What would you even apologize for? It doesn't sound like you know as a fact that the bride uninvited because she thinks you slept with the brother; it doesn't sound like you got a reason for the uninvite at all. You weren't even directly uninvited -- you were uninvited by proxy. I think that the groom/your best friend should have had the balls to tell you himself, which would have given him the opportunity to profusely apologize.
Even if you had done something wrong, it's not up to you to figure out what unimportant thing you did/didn't do that was the catalyst for their despicable action and apologize for it.
posted by thebazilist at 11:47 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sending the gift will make you feel bad and them feel bad (bad/guilty or bad/annoyed).
Not sending the gift will make you feel good. How they feel will depend on the real reason that you were uninvited.
It is up to the groom and/or his wife to make the next overture to you if the friendship is going to continue.
You don't need to send any card, or apologize at all. What would you even apologize for? It doesn't sound like you know as a fact that the bride uninvited because she thinks you slept with the brother; it doesn't sound like you got a reason for the uninvite at all. You weren't even directly uninvited -- you were uninvited by proxy. I think that the groom/your best friend should have had the balls to tell you himself, which would have given him the opportunity to profusely apologize.
Even if you had done something wrong, it's not up to you to figure out what unimportant thing you did/didn't do that was the catalyst for their despicable action and apologize for it.
posted by thebazilist at 11:47 PM on July 19, 2009 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry, but you no longer have a best friend
I have to agree and add my condolences as well. His wife is an incredibly jealous, insecure, mean girl. You might be able to salvage some part of the friendship after they divorce, but until then you can expect more of the same until you are shut out completely. There is no reason under the sun for her to be concerned or have an opinion about the brother staying over after a late night, regardless of whether you had sex with him or not. In fact, if she were not completely full of shit, she would have been thrilled to assume you had! It would be proof you were well past your ex.
What a crappy girl. I'd feel bad for your ex if he wasn't such a spineless dick.
Don't send the gift.
posted by zarah at 12:03 AM on July 20, 2009 [4 favorites]
I have to agree and add my condolences as well. His wife is an incredibly jealous, insecure, mean girl. You might be able to salvage some part of the friendship after they divorce, but until then you can expect more of the same until you are shut out completely. There is no reason under the sun for her to be concerned or have an opinion about the brother staying over after a late night, regardless of whether you had sex with him or not. In fact, if she were not completely full of shit, she would have been thrilled to assume you had! It would be proof you were well past your ex.
What a crappy girl. I'd feel bad for your ex if he wasn't such a spineless dick.
Don't send the gift.
posted by zarah at 12:03 AM on July 20, 2009 [4 favorites]
People who are invited send gifts. When people who aren't invited send gifts, that can be rude, too.
Exactly. The bride would probably return, regift or trash the gift anyway, because it would remind him/her/them about you.
(...) addressing the issue with a mature level of communication will either find her a sense of closure about what why she lost her friend, or it will mend the fence.
Maybe, but he/they should make the first move. So far, it seems he hasn't even sent you a personal message via Facebook.
From the original question:
I asked best friend, and he said that he was very sorry but she was annoyed with me and he had to side with his wife. (...) He helped me move after I ended an abusive relationship, he listens, we have fun when we hang out, yadda yadda yadda - it's great and I adore him.
If you're going to have contact with your (former?) friend, you must expect that all contact will be with him and his wife together, or as a part of a larger group of people, not with him alone. If she is "annoyed" with you, and says so via others, how can you still be friends with her husband? Do you really want to be the third wheel?
posted by iviken at 3:36 AM on July 20, 2009
Exactly. The bride would probably return, regift or trash the gift anyway, because it would remind him/her/them about you.
(...) addressing the issue with a mature level of communication will either find her a sense of closure about what why she lost her friend, or it will mend the fence.
Maybe, but he/they should make the first move. So far, it seems he hasn't even sent you a personal message via Facebook.
From the original question:
I asked best friend, and he said that he was very sorry but she was annoyed with me and he had to side with his wife. (...) He helped me move after I ended an abusive relationship, he listens, we have fun when we hang out, yadda yadda yadda - it's great and I adore him.
If you're going to have contact with your (former?) friend, you must expect that all contact will be with him and his wife together, or as a part of a larger group of people, not with him alone. If she is "annoyed" with you, and says so via others, how can you still be friends with her husband? Do you really want to be the third wheel?
posted by iviken at 3:36 AM on July 20, 2009
The bride is a melodramatic, jealous bitch.
Sounds like it.
However, I know from lots of experience that nobody will like you for telling them their SO is a bitch/bastard/unpleasant person, even if they say so themselves.
But yes, the fact that she wanted him to uninvite you (and the fact that he complied) doesn't forbode very well for your friendship with him or their relationship. How do you foresee it going, the next time you meet up with your best friend?
I'd say it's time to step back and let their marriage run its course, which (probably) won't be very long.
posted by dunkadunc at 3:41 AM on July 20, 2009
Sounds like it.
However, I know from lots of experience that nobody will like you for telling them their SO is a bitch/bastard/unpleasant person, even if they say so themselves.
But yes, the fact that she wanted him to uninvite you (and the fact that he complied) doesn't forbode very well for your friendship with him or their relationship. How do you foresee it going, the next time you meet up with your best friend?
I'd say it's time to step back and let their marriage run its course, which (probably) won't be very long.
posted by dunkadunc at 3:41 AM on July 20, 2009
Look, it sucks. You have the right to be angry, because your friend and his wife did something very rude. You're not the one who has to make the next move--they are. Best case scenario, they apologize for the wedding craziness and try to make amends. Worse case scenario, she's the kind of spouse who wants to pick and choose the spouse's friends.
This. A thousand times this.
posted by somanyamys at 6:39 AM on July 20, 2009
This. A thousand times this.
posted by somanyamys at 6:39 AM on July 20, 2009
I agree with Jayder 100 percent. Frankly I'm surprised that so many people take this story at face value. Judging from the way it's written, it seems to have another side to it.
Both wife and groom likely thought that spending the night with the brother right before the wedding was bizarre behavior on your part. You don't make clear what happened that night. It sounds as if you feel remorse for something that happened with the brother that night.
The bulk of your backstory focuses on your your ex and his wife who you don't like. You identify yourself as the present-day "best friend" of the groom. Are you sure the groom feels the same way about you? Even if he does, I don't take at face value that the decision to exclude you from the wedding was the wife's alone.
Obviously I'm in the minority, but if I were either the groom (but especially the groom) or the bride your behavior would alarm me. It is open to interpretation in many, many ways, and you don't clarify it here.
What should you do? Forget about expressing joy or sending the gift or even a card. Focus on making new friends and putting distance between you and the ex/"best friend."
I bet 100 to 1 the groom as well as the wife wants you to move on.
posted by vincele at 11:42 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
Both wife and groom likely thought that spending the night with the brother right before the wedding was bizarre behavior on your part. You don't make clear what happened that night. It sounds as if you feel remorse for something that happened with the brother that night.
The bulk of your backstory focuses on your your ex and his wife who you don't like. You identify yourself as the present-day "best friend" of the groom. Are you sure the groom feels the same way about you? Even if he does, I don't take at face value that the decision to exclude you from the wedding was the wife's alone.
Obviously I'm in the minority, but if I were either the groom (but especially the groom) or the bride your behavior would alarm me. It is open to interpretation in many, many ways, and you don't clarify it here.
What should you do? Forget about expressing joy or sending the gift or even a card. Focus on making new friends and putting distance between you and the ex/"best friend."
I bet 100 to 1 the groom as well as the wife wants you to move on.
posted by vincele at 11:42 AM on July 20, 2009 [1 favorite]
So my first question is what exactly happened with the brother? Because you don't say "oh the brother was a little tipsy and rather than drive home he slept on my couch". You just sort of declare oh I think she thinks we had sex, but that would be none of her business anyway, which reeks of defensiveness. You certainly don't say nothing did happen, which leads me to believe something happened and you don't want to talk about it. And honestly hooking up with your best friend/ex boyfriend's brother a couple of days before his wedding, that's a little weird. I don't know if I would have gone so far as to have uninvited you, but you hooked up with your ex's brother. I mean that's a pretty serious violation in my book, especially if you are still really good friends. You crossed a line and you crossed that line a couple of days before the guy's wedding.
I personally think the bride is just the fall guy, becuase it sounds like the groom doesn't want to confront you, but he also didn't want to even talk to you to uninvite you. He just wanted you to go away. You might be able to salvage this and yeah they probably did overreact my uninviting you, but you are hardly an innocent party in this and I don't believe for a second it's really the bride and not the groom who actually did the uninviting.
posted by whoaali at 2:02 PM on July 20, 2009 [3 favorites]
I personally think the bride is just the fall guy, becuase it sounds like the groom doesn't want to confront you, but he also didn't want to even talk to you to uninvite you. He just wanted you to go away. You might be able to salvage this and yeah they probably did overreact my uninviting you, but you are hardly an innocent party in this and I don't believe for a second it's really the bride and not the groom who actually did the uninviting.
posted by whoaali at 2:02 PM on July 20, 2009 [3 favorites]
...how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life?
Here's how you stop being angry. You indulge in your rage for a couple of hours or days, to get it out of your system. You rant, rave, cry, throw things, whatever. And you do this in the knowledge that, by giving this anger full expression, it will pass.
You face your anger. You permit it to pass over you and through you. And when it's gone past, you turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the anger has gone there will be nothing. Only you will remain.
Getting back into that celebratory mood? That's trickier. The mood was deliberately taken from you, and there's no good way to get it back. Your best bet is to drop it. They're going off on their honeymoon and not thinking about you, don't waste your time thinking about them. Return the gift, spend the money on something nice for yourself, and go on about your business. In a few weeks, you'll feel much calmer and have more persective on the situation. Heck, with a little luck, you won't care very much by that point.
If the bride or groom or both contact you later in an effort to patch things up, you'd be within your rights to say "What the HELL, man?" And I would insist on some form of explanation.
If they don't, and they continue to treat you like the spectre at the feast, cut bait, because your best friend isn't the kind of person you thought he was.
(And I agree with the theory that the bride's been made the fall guy in this. The groom might have some unresolved feelings for the poster, and believing the poster slept with his brother--whom he apparently doesn't care for--might have freaked him out).
posted by magstheaxe at 2:43 PM on July 20, 2009
Here's how you stop being angry. You indulge in your rage for a couple of hours or days, to get it out of your system. You rant, rave, cry, throw things, whatever. And you do this in the knowledge that, by giving this anger full expression, it will pass.
You face your anger. You permit it to pass over you and through you. And when it's gone past, you turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the anger has gone there will be nothing. Only you will remain.
Getting back into that celebratory mood? That's trickier. The mood was deliberately taken from you, and there's no good way to get it back. Your best bet is to drop it. They're going off on their honeymoon and not thinking about you, don't waste your time thinking about them. Return the gift, spend the money on something nice for yourself, and go on about your business. In a few weeks, you'll feel much calmer and have more persective on the situation. Heck, with a little luck, you won't care very much by that point.
If the bride or groom or both contact you later in an effort to patch things up, you'd be within your rights to say "What the HELL, man?" And I would insist on some form of explanation.
If they don't, and they continue to treat you like the spectre at the feast, cut bait, because your best friend isn't the kind of person you thought he was.
(And I agree with the theory that the bride's been made the fall guy in this. The groom might have some unresolved feelings for the poster, and believing the poster slept with his brother--whom he apparently doesn't care for--might have freaked him out).
posted by magstheaxe at 2:43 PM on July 20, 2009
Defriend, take back the gift, don't send a card, this friendship is done.
I don't think you got the boot because of the brother. I think you got the "friends with an ex is Not Okay" boot and this was an excuse.
Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:53 PM on July 20, 2009
I don't think you got the boot because of the brother. I think you got the "friends with an ex is Not Okay" boot and this was an excuse.
Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:53 PM on July 20, 2009
If the brother is in a committed relationship (and the brother's SO couldn't be there for whatever reason), and the bride and/or groom think something more serious than brother just sleeping over on the couch went on... the reaction is perhaps a bit more understandable. I guess I wouldn't want my wedding event to be the staging ground for something that might break up the brother-couple. In the event, I probably wouldn't have taken the same action as the bride and groom did, since it seems to me that it would just draw more attention to the situation - but I could understand their choice.
Even if nothing at all of a sexual nature occurred, it might very easily look that way (and possibly cause problems with the brother's SO regardless of what really happened), and if I were you, while I might be a bit disappointed that an innocent night would spawn that suspicion and reaction, I could see how the sleeping-over choice was probably not the smartest thing ever, and forgive pretty easily. That would mostly cover the anger part for me, and as far as feeling joyous... well, you just do the best you can to feel happy for your friend, and wait for better days. If all goes well, maybe you can organize a great anniversary party for them in the future.
If the brother is not in a relationship, then the reaction is bizarre, and I wouldn't want to have much to do with the crazy people anyway. I'd be angry, and utterly puzzled, and it would definitely be up to them to explain/repair the rift.
In either case, I agree with those who say "send a card, return the gift."
posted by taz at 8:04 AM on July 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Even if nothing at all of a sexual nature occurred, it might very easily look that way (and possibly cause problems with the brother's SO regardless of what really happened), and if I were you, while I might be a bit disappointed that an innocent night would spawn that suspicion and reaction, I could see how the sleeping-over choice was probably not the smartest thing ever, and forgive pretty easily. That would mostly cover the anger part for me, and as far as feeling joyous... well, you just do the best you can to feel happy for your friend, and wait for better days. If all goes well, maybe you can organize a great anniversary party for them in the future.
If the brother is not in a relationship, then the reaction is bizarre, and I wouldn't want to have much to do with the crazy people anyway. I'd be angry, and utterly puzzled, and it would definitely be up to them to explain/repair the rift.
In either case, I agree with those who say "send a card, return the gift."
posted by taz at 8:04 AM on July 21, 2009 [1 favorite]
Frankly, I don't see *why* it would matter if OP *had* slept with the groom's brother. I mean if she's single, and he's single, and they're both adults, how is it any of the bride's business? Sounds like a judgemental person, and a pain-in-the-ass to be around.
I would stay away from the wedding and (painful as it may be) avoid contacting the groom/best-friend until he calls you to see how you are. Once he does, then you can be back on track to being best-friends, and I assure you he will call once they are "settled" into their marriage.
Hold on to the wedding present, you can hand it over after contact is made (by him) and you guys meet up in person. Ultimately, I can see this bride female having to adjust to your presence in her husband's life.
Finally, as someone else said, you gave them a fair chance not to invite you, and it would have been harsh but OK to not have invited you in the first place - but to disinvite you without even a personal explanation, that's too much.
You're NOT in the wrong, they are, and I would advise you to just wait it out till groom calls you some weeks down the line to touch base / test the waters etc. At that point, you can decide to let bygones be bygones and continue enjoying your great friendship x
posted by ravingOak at 1:58 PM on August 28, 2009
I would stay away from the wedding and (painful as it may be) avoid contacting the groom/best-friend until he calls you to see how you are. Once he does, then you can be back on track to being best-friends, and I assure you he will call once they are "settled" into their marriage.
Hold on to the wedding present, you can hand it over after contact is made (by him) and you guys meet up in person. Ultimately, I can see this bride female having to adjust to your presence in her husband's life.
Finally, as someone else said, you gave them a fair chance not to invite you, and it would have been harsh but OK to not have invited you in the first place - but to disinvite you without even a personal explanation, that's too much.
You're NOT in the wrong, they are, and I would advise you to just wait it out till groom calls you some weeks down the line to touch base / test the waters etc. At that point, you can decide to let bygones be bygones and continue enjoying your great friendship x
posted by ravingOak at 1:58 PM on August 28, 2009
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don't personalize this, she's the one with the problem, and he's the one that needs to grow a pair...
posted by HuronBob at 12:35 PM on July 19, 2009 [5 favorites]