I got uninvited - now what?
July 19, 2009 12:29 PM Subscribe
How do I get over being mad about being uninvited to a wedding, when I sort of understand where the couple is coming from?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (72 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
So, my best friend of six years (the groom) got married yesterday and I was not in attendance. The day before, I was told (by best friend's brother) that the bride had decided she didn't want me to come to the wedding, and I'd have to skip it. I asked best friend, and he said that he was very sorry but she was annoyed with me and he had to side with his wife. How do I get over being pissed about this? Please forgive the long back story, but wedding invite stories are usually complicated right?
Once upon a time, my best friend and I dated for 2 years, and broke up 3 years ago. The relationship ended completely amicably (we realized we were really good friends, and our true loves were still out there) and we have remained very close friends. He helped me move after I ended an abusive relationship, he listens, we have fun when we hang out, yadda yadda yadda - it's great and I adore him. There is no lingering sexual tension - we are completely unattracted to each other. We just know each other really well, and get along. When he told me about this girl, I said they'd get married and was thrilled to find out that they were engaged. I spent some time with both of them, but she is ridiculously shy (a quality we share) and I've maybe ever heard her say three words. At first, I thought she didn't like me because I was an EX but I have since found out that she's like this with everyone. I thought we were hunky dory and I was looking forward to building a friendship with her (I wrote something to this effect on my wedding card).
When it came to actually planning the wedding and making the guest list, I told both of them separately that I completely understood that I was an ex and to feel no pressure to invite me. They decided to anyway, and I was completely excited that my best friend is getting MARRIED. I chatted with both of them about things they'd picked out (they had a blog with their ideas), and bride asked me about what I was wearing, etc.
Basically, everything was peachy until Thursday evening. Groom has a brother who lives in another state, and since both of their parents have passed, they are really each other's only family. The problem is they don't have similar personalities and can't stand to be around each other too long. So on Thursday, groom's brother was looking for a short escape from family hang out time, and I offerred to hang out for a little bit. He stayed over too late, and ended up spending the night. This is what I did wrong.
The next morning, groom's brother tells me that bride is unhappy and doesn't want me at the wedding. I asked groom, and he said sorry but she wasn't having it. I told groom that he was making the right call (wife > friends) but that I was very hurt and sad. I have not been able to get in touch with him since (because he's busy getting married). Once I got home from work, I lost it. I cried, I was heartbroken, I felt left out. My old friends who were coming to town wanted to see me, and I didn't have time to make plans with them outside of the wedding. I am still very hurt and sad, and Facebook updates with pictures and congrats are not helping. There is also a part of me that thinks this was incredibly unclassy and mean and I'm angry. Generally, it sucks.
My question is: how do I stop being so angry and get back to wanting to celebrate this joyous moment in my best friend's life? I still have my gift sitting in its bag, and I have debated taking it back. I have helped plan my siblings' weddings, and I know that sometimes you have to not have people there for whatever reason. Like I said, I know he made the right call in supporting his wife, but now I have the problem of thinking his wife is a bitch. That's not healthy for my friendship with either of them. Any advice on how to just accept that I didn't go and move on? Any help is appreciated.
PS - I have heard rumors that bride seems to think that brother and I slept together, which I think is probably none of her business, but probably contributed to her not wanting me there. This is just a rumor though.