Is he interested?

July 18, 2009 2:14 AM

So, there’s this guy.. Or more appropriately there has been this guy for quite some time who has always been kind, good, and possibly interested in me? I had my girl-oblivious blinders on up until now. Is he shy or just not interested in me?

If you get through all of this typical girl blathering, you're a saint.

I met aforementioned man at a bar I visit on a semi-regular basis. The bar is conveniently located near my work place. He works at the bar.

The first time we met (back in December), we had a fantastic conversation and he played a song for me that came up in our discussion (Neil Young’s “Unknown Legend”). Actually, I remember leaving and feeling sort of, well, giddy. But then life got very busy with work and whatnot and I was distracted.

Since, he’s always paid favors to me. If he’s working, he always comes by, sits down, and chats with me for my entire visit, comps my bill, remembers previous conversations, and has new information on interests I’ve shared with him in the past.

Once he offered and then drove me back to work because I forgot something. I refused at first but he insisted (I mean, is this normal for employees/managers to offer this to other customers? Is all of the above?). When the bar is slow, he’ll keep it open for just us. We’ll sit and chat. He asks me a lot of questions but maybe that’s his way of keeping things impersonal on his side..? He’s a friendly, quiet guy with great relations with other customers. He seems pretty reserved.

The thing is that at the time, I didn’t pay all that much attention. Not because he wasn’t a great guy or because I wasn’t attracted to him. Simply put, I was not in a good place to even fathom dating or getting to know someone. And I was running around and working a ton and basically, living life.

I had stopped going to the bar because life became busier than usual. I dropped in a week or so ago and he brought up a lot of stuff I had mentioned to him the last time we talked. Actually, I felt pretty embarrassed because I couldn’t remember exactly where everything had left off. Also, I felt bad because the last time we talked he brought up that a relative had passed. I offered my condolences and wanted to talk longer but my bus was coming so I couldn’t.

Oh yeah.. There was this bartender who works there as well that has made it clear he is interested in me. He gave me his number and continuously asked me out. I was polite and evaded his advances. Long story short, I accidentally contacted the bartender by texting him instead of someone else. I was up front with the bartender and apologized profusely for the misunderstanding (via text). However, the bartender then had my number and later on asked me out (to meet up with his friends and him). I said I’d probably go if I was free. I didn’t go and ignored his text messages asking where I was (I know, I’m a bad person). Do you think the other guy heard? Does it reflect poorly on me? I was never interested. The bartender has always struck me as a bit cocky and dare I say, a bit of a player?

So, the other guy has never asked me on a date or my number. I don’t know if he’s especially friendly with everyone and treats his semi-regulars well or if he is interested in me. The last time I saw him was several days ago. I was waiting for my bus and he passed me on his bike. He stopped to say hello and seemed very enthusiastic (probably adrenaline from riding?). He wanted to talk longer but my bus arrived.

Maybe he feels bad for me or is just extremely kind to people. If a guy is interested, wouldn’t he just ask me out? What should I do? If he isn’t interested in me, it would be really awkward to get rejected and then I’d probably just avoid the bar.. Also, since I didn’t pay much attention initially to him as a possible interest, maybe I’m just wearing rose-colored glasses and highlighting the kind deeds he’s doing? But really, for the life of me I’ve never known him to not give me a huge smile and immediately approach me.

Ugh, this is stupid. Why am I being so.. juvenile and insecure? So.. end of story: Is he interested in me? I mean, or what is the likelihood that he is? If so, what should I do? If not, I’m pretty sure I know what I’ll do. Probably avoid him for a bit to give myself some space.

posted by somersault to human relations (21 comments total)

Seems like he is, but perhaps more importantly, if you were going to avoid him anyhow if he's not, why not ask him out? Seems better than speculation-of-doom(tm).
posted by jaymzjulian at 2:21 AM on July 18

dude. he's into you. That's not normal bartender behavior (unless you live in bumfuck minnesota in a town of 400 people over 200 sq. mi or something), and you have confirmation from a third source. He's obviously a sweetheart, and the fact that he hasn't actually made a move shows he's honorable and professional and not creepy. It's kinda considered bad form for somebody in the service industry to ask out a client/patron. It might be a big step for you, but you may need to be the one to ask him out, even if it's starting small like inviting him to a party with people you both know, or something that's not a traditional, formal date. Unless that's what you want, in which case, by all means, ask him to dinner or for drinks at somewhere that isn't his own bar. Millions of well-intentioned, shy dudes across America are rooting for you.
posted by Jon_Evil at 2:26 AM on July 18

Wrong question! Are YOU interested in him?
posted by A189Nut at 2:30 AM on July 18 [9 favorites]

Am I missing something? Why don't you ask the dude out?!

This isn't 1914.

Just keep it casual. If for some reason he turns out the offer, just pretend it's no big deal. Stay friendly, gracious, and amicable, and you'll be fine.

People really need to act despite being afraid of rejection. I don't regret one single instance of asking someone out, and getting a "no thanks." (I do, however, regret some of the acceptances that led to nightmarish dates...but that's another story, heh.)
posted by thisperon at 2:31 AM on July 18

He's definitely interested in YOU. The question is, are YOU interested in HIM? If so, let him know.
posted by amyms at 2:34 AM on July 18 [1 favorite]

If so, what should I do?

You could invite him to some event outside of his workplace - "there's a concert by Musician at Local Venue this Day, I was planning to go and I remember you saying you liked Musician, so I wondered if you'd like to come with me?"
posted by Mike1024 at 2:46 AM on July 18 [2 favorites]

It certainly does appear that he's interested in you and I agree with Jon_Evil that he's probably not made a move and asked you out because of the whole 'bad form for somebody in the service industry to ask out a client/patron thing'.

Yeah just a casual invite to a party, concert or similar event is the way to go I think, being in a social situation outside the context of his workplace might give him the freedom to make the next move.

Good luck somersault.
posted by electricinca at 2:54 AM on July 18

Ugh, this is stupid. Why am I being so.. juvenile and insecure?

Why indeed. Ask him out!
posted by rokusan at 3:04 AM on July 18 [2 favorites]

N-thing everyone who said that YOU should be the one to ask him out. If it turns out that he's interested in you (which it sounds like he is), then you'll have the chance to get to know him better, but if not, at least you'll get to find that out now instead of spending more time wondering what's going on.

In my personal experience, it usually works better if you say something like, "So there's this new cafe that I've heard a lot of great things about. Would you like to go there together and grab a coffee sometime next weekend?" Instead of just "Do you want to go on a date with me?"

Take the first approach because that way, you're offering him plans with a specified event and a proposed time. If the time doesn't work for him, you two can always work out the details later. But I've found that it's so much easier to get the actual date set up if you do it that way, rather than just asking him to go out and not really having any definite plans of how to follow through.

Good luck!
posted by sabira at 6:18 AM on July 18 [1 favorite]

If he was just chatting you up I'd say it was normal bartender behavior, but comped drinks and a ride?? He is definitely interested.

Ask him out for sure. Don't worry about the other bartender. Your guy probably knows that this other guy asked you out and that you said no. This does not reflect poorly on you and in fact may have raised your stock.
posted by ephemerista at 6:57 AM on July 18

Jeesus. Just ask the guy out on a date, already. The only way to find out if the guy is interested is to ask him. Maybe he'll say yes, maybe he'll say no, but either way you can stop working yourself into a frazzle over it.
posted by ook at 7:54 AM on July 18

I think he's interested, but he's also being professional. You are a customer, and he doesn't want there to be any chance for it to be said that he took advantage of that relationship.

Have you tried doing the typical girl thing and asking if he has a girlfriend, if he wants one, etc.?
posted by bingo at 8:58 AM on July 18

And, yes, he's interested in you.
posted by darth_tedious at 10:13 AM on July 18

What everyone else said, really! Unless you're an incredible tipper, nobody in the service industry pays THAT much attention to you unless...
posted by paultopia at 10:52 AM on July 18

No one is going to know for sure whether he's interested in you or not. He could be just really friendly and fond of you -- some guys have treated me really well in the past, as they felt a kind, brotherly, emotion towards me.

Anyway, whether he likes you or not, it doesn't matter!!!

Like previous posters have said, decide whether YOU like him or not, and if you do, do something about it.

(I'm not a big fan of girls being the first to ask guys out on dates, call me old-fashioned/whatever. But there're so many other ways to show your interest: flirt, flirt, flirt)
posted by moiraine at 12:40 PM on July 18

He's definitely interested. Maybe he hasn't asked you out because he's looking for more clear signals from you that you'd be receptive to his advances.

Reviewing some of your previous questions, it seems like you might have some trouble sending out and interpreting relationship-type signals. Does this new friend know that? It might encourage him to make his intentions for you more clear.
posted by mikewas at 12:52 PM on July 18

I didn't even read the more inside. If you think he might be shy and it occurs to you to wonder, then he's into you. I ask this on the behalf of all shy guys: Ask him out already.
posted by cmoj at 2:12 PM on July 18

As someone who is currently dating a shy boy, and has endured my fair share of "Does he like me? Y / N / Maybe" angst, take it from me:

He likes you.

Chances are, you're old enough and have had enough experience to intuit when someone maybe is into you. Your instincts will never lead you astray. He sounds like many a shy boy I know and, for whatever reason, is timid to make a move because a) he is terrified of an amazing woman like you saying "no"; b) has limited experience with the ladies; c) is self-doubting / self-defeating; or d) all of the above.

How to proceed? The next time you see him, ask him if he'd like to do (x) activity with you on (x) date at (x) time. Keep it light and simple. That should get things going. If you hang out with him and sense the warm 'n' tingly feeling is mutual, kiss him. A drink or two may catalyze matters. Worked for me.

Also, don't worry too much about that other bartender. Your friend sounds as though he's above dramatic scenarios. Since he works with the guy, he knew of the guy's reputation / intentions with you or with other female regulars long before you ever did, and may even respect you more for rebuffing his advances.
posted by LecheFresca at 9:38 PM on July 18

I think you really need to make some kind of move to find out.

As an anecdotal data point, a few years ago, I used to drop by a bar near my work probably a couple of times per week. It was a nice kinda place, and a bit of a local secret. And it had a pool table that would disgorge its balls for free if you just slammed the coin mechanism a bit hard - a trick that was shown to me by the barmaid who worked there.

The barmaid. Apart from being one of the most attractive women I've ever met, she was also exceptionally pleasant & friendly. She was studying to be an architect, played a mean game of pool, and as often as not would secretly give me free drinks. Apparently, she once told her boss where to go & gave me glowing praise, when the boss took a disliking to me for some reason.

I guess you'd say that we were friends at the least, although trying to chat up or ask out service staff is a personal line I normally make it a rule not to cross - after all, it's their job to be nice, and who wants to be hassled at their job by a customer?

Anyway, so one day she was jotting something down on paper, looking thoughtful, then jotting again.

"What are you up to there, Chloe?*"

"Drawing up a list, Ubu - what do you think?"

She rattled off a bunch of criteria that were clearly a list of requirements for an online dating profile. This got me thinking: first, why was she telling me this? And second, damned if that doesn't sound a lot like me!

Probably I read too much into it, because soon after, when I happened to get hold of some free tickets to a touring musician I thought she'd like, I took the opportunity to phone her up and ask her if she wanted to come along. Her response was the "Oh, that sounds nice, but I'm busy - it's my sister's birthday that night" (or something along those lines, but missing the vital "But I'm free the next night, or some other time if you just want to go out for some coffee...")

(Which - as we all know - is the standard way to say "Thanks, but no thanks", as opposed to "Damn, I'm busy but definitely interested!" & neither of us spoke about it again. She moved to a different job soon after, anyway, and we lost contact)

So, long story short, you can't really tell if somebody behind a bar is just being friendly, either as part of the job or just because they're a nice person, or whether there's anything more going on. Well, not without asking.

* name changed to protect the innocent
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:13 PM on July 19

If you are interested in him, ask him out. It's 2009 lady. You don't have to wait for no dude.
posted by chunking express at 9:48 AM on July 20

Hey, you're a woman of the 90s, right? Ask him out!

And if you're feeling a little hesitant, find a way of putting the ball in his court. Something like, "So, are you going to ask me out or what?" could be a good way of forcing his hand.
posted by too bad you're not me at 10:51 AM on July 20