Having never been in university and a relationship at the same time before, how do I balance these two priorities in my life?

July 14, 2009 7:22 PM

I am about to start grad school in September. I am also 7 months into a wonderful relationship. Having never been in university and a relationship at the same time before, how do I balance these two priorities in my life?

I have been out of university and in a career for a couple of years; however, I am taking leave from my job and starting my Master's degree in September. When I was in undergrad, I did a double major while working two part-time jobs for my entire 5.5 years of school. Consequently, I did very little else - like date.

Now, at the age of 25, I am headed back to school to get my Master's, but this time I am in a relationship with an amazing, supportive, and all-around fabulous guy. However, I can't help but worry about what effect school will have on our relationship, since I won't be able to devote nearly as much time to it as I have for the first 7 months. While I am capable of time managing, I've never had to do it with school, and something much more appealing, like being with my boyfriend. We currently both have regular, and decently complementary schedules, but that won't be the case when I am in back in school. We don't live together, and haven't ever discussed it. I suppose it is an option for the future, but not for the purposes of this question.

What I am wondering from those members of the hive mind who have been in this situation is, what strategies have you used to ensure that you devote enough time to both school and your relationship, and be successful in both? My Master's program is 2 years long, and I desperately want to emerge from it with both a degree and the same amazing, supportive, and all-around fabulous guy I'm lucky to have now.

posted by just_ducky to human relations (12 comments total)

My current girlfriend recently finished getting her Master's in a year long program, which left us in a long distance relationship. We were pretty much the whole country apart (Austin, TX to Boston, MA), so regular visits were not happening. A lot of how well it will work is how understanding and willing your guy is. If he is not both of those, then you have little chance.

As for advice to keep things together, here are some things I learned:
1.) Get a webcam, and video chat with him. This does not have to be daily, but being able to see each other works wonders. This is also really great for when you are working at your computer. Just leave the camera on while you work and it kind of feels like he is just hanging out in the same room as you doing his own thing.
2.) Talk daily, even if only briefly. He should realize that getting a degree is time consuming, but a daily recount of your day should take some of your stress off and remind him that you are still in it.
3.) Surprises work wonders. I would often surprise my girl by having a pizza delivered to her when she said she was hungry but was too busy working on things. She would often surprise me with hand-written letters mailed to me. Any little things you can still manage to do for each other.
4.) Plan ahead. Let each other know when you will be coming in for a visit. Surprise visits are great, but having a date to start counting down to really helps.
5.) If you fight, never go to sleep without resolving it first.
6.) Control jealousy. He will go out and have fun without you. You will do the same. Depending on your mood and workload and general preferences, this may involve drinks out with friends. Yall both must trust each other and allow the other to go out and have fun.
7.) Something that worked good for my own peace of mind; let him know that your new friends think he is a great guy and want to meet him. This shows him that you talk about him and thus think about him often, and reassures him that your new friends are not trying to split you two up. Might help if its true, but even so, he won't know.
posted by jmg967 at 7:40 PM on July 14 [9 favorites]

It's hard! But going into it with both of you prepared will make things much easier. I second all the suggestions above, and add:

- Use any excuse to spend time together. When I was in grad school, I called my boyfriend whenever I left school to run an errand and he often came along, we went to the grocery store together, grabbed lunch together whenever we could, he came over to read while I worked on something at home, etc. We actually spent quite a bit of time together this way, without cutting into my work time at all.

- But plan on having nights (several a week) where you're committed to just working, no distractions. My school work suffered a bit when I was in a new relationship because it stopped being my primary focus, so I had to start scheduling time to MAKE it my focus. Grad school is not about doing the assignments and getting by, it's about what you put into it, and it's worthless if you half-ass it (well, my program at least).
posted by Fifi Firefox at 8:24 PM on July 14

I have a fulltime job as a director in a health org, I have two young kids and a good marriage.

I also go to grad school full time (15 hrs this semester). I chose to power through in 1 year vs. drag it out for two. Crazy me.

My advice is this: When you are not studying, do not think about school. If you are with your Next, I would say, carve out even 30 minutes of clear minded you-time a day. Its not much but a little time doing something not work/home/family/lover is sort of key to feeling a touch of escape each day. Lastly, celebrate the fact that you are working your ass off. Don't think you aren't. You are.

Good luck!
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 8:27 PM on July 14

Oh! I got a sentence deleted in there!
"If you are with your SO, be with them. Be present. Not half there half/ in your head."
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 8:29 PM on July 14

Remember that a healthy and involved sex life energizes and does not drain. Cut that last in a time crunch.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:56 PM on July 14

Seconding Fifi Firefox's webcam idea. There's something about actually seeing each other, as opposed to just talking on the phone, that makes things a bit easier.
posted by aheckler at 4:23 AM on July 15

We were both in school at the same time. We both agreed that the top priority for both of us HAD to be our schooling. Any time left over would be dedicated to taking care of ourselves and of each other. We kept in communication about what we had going on in our lives daily, and tried to make sure that the other had an idea of what was going on with our studies. We were very understanding of one another. So, for example, when one of us needed to dedicate some serious time to our thesis work, we wouldn't see each other at all for awhile, or we'd agree to only see each other for a few hours AFTER we'd written so many words or pages or whatever. I tried to stay at least three nights out of the week with my sometimes partner, but preferred to work away from him (he can be a little...um, distracting), so I spent a lot of time at my own apartment or in the library before heading over to his place.

It's actually very simple. Spend as much time with your partner as you can, but only AFTER you feel you have accomplished whatever work you need to do that day. And communicate with him as much as possible so he understands what's going on with you.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 4:35 AM on July 15

I would suggest not taking work home with you if you can. (The best advice my thesis adviser gave me was to treat it like a job.) Try to do everything (including internet research, studying for classes, grading papers, etc) in your office on campus. You may have to stay late some days (and that number will increase the farther you get into your studies), but it will save your sanity as well as your relationship. This goes hand in hand with SkylitDrawl's advice to work first, play later and BrodieShadeTree's advice to be fully present when you're with him.


(full disclosure: I didn't actually follow this advice during my Master's, but I wish I had. Bringing school into the home sphere created stress and thesis guilt everywhere with no safety zone to go home to)
posted by Eumachia L F at 5:41 AM on July 15

Spend some study-evenings together, having agreed that you'll be doing separate things during that time -- you studying, him reading, TV or music with headphones, his own work, etc. Build in "together breaks", e.g., take a 10 min break for tea or cocoa and to talk or snuggle (but stick to the agreed-on amount of time!), then go back to your separate pursuits. It can feel good to just be be in each others company even if it's not 100% interactive time. If staying over that night fits for both of you, do that, too.

I, personally, would need to hold to my agreed-on structure pretty rigidly for the first few times until my head gets that this is the way study-evenings work. After that I'd gotten into that groove, I could be a little more flexible. But that's me - you probably know how you need to set new habits for yourself.

Oh, and PS: This is good trial run at, and practice for, eventually living together (even if you're not considering it). And guess what: life together (in the long term) works this way, anyway.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 6:01 AM on July 15

Depending on what your graduate degree is in it, doing everything on campus may not be practical. But I think the essence of Eumachial L F's advice is bang on.

The way I keep a life school balance is balance is basically this:

One full day off every week, no matter what, where I do non-school things (I use Saturday, because my partner has a regular job).

Use efficiency as well as time guidelines for when you take breaks or end for the day. As someone above said, its the quality of the work you put in that will make a difference. For me, I found that I can't digest more than 100 pages (of theory-heavy reading) in a day effectively. So even if I hit 100 pages before I've put in a "full" day, I stop, and don't feel guilty.

Genuine crunch times (if say, you are a TA and you have 3 papers due + 100 exams to mark) can be exempt from this, but let your partner know ahead of time ("I'll have less time next week because ....") and put a limit on it (like, it will be two weeks where you work "overtime", and stick to that as best you can.)

If you put limits around how much time you are going to spend on school, you can work in a more focused way, knowing that your life outside of school is going to be the reward for your hard, efficient, focused work.
posted by carmen at 6:11 AM on July 15

I’m dealing with this myself. I’m about to start my second year in my master’s program. Last year I was able to find a lot of ways to spend time with my significant other. I’m lucky that he loves to read and always has a book at hand. So a frequent activity would be going some place like a coffee shop, book store, beach, etc. and I would read my homework and he would read a book. I would also frequently take my laptop over to his place and work on writing papers while he would read or spend time on-line. It was nice just to be with him, even if I was just doing homework. From my end, I tend to work better in a setting other than my office or home so going out actually helps me to be more focused in my work, but that kind of depends on your study habits I suppose.

I also made sure to set aside at least a few hours a week that would be just our time. Usually this was Saturday evening/Sunday morning as that is what worked with our schedules. Don’t let yourself feel guilty about having some time for just fun. If you don’t you’re going to get burned out quickly.

Now when it came time to do the real hard core studying for exams or to write final papers (and oh that time will come), then I had to set some time aside for myself. I would just know that on that given weekend I would have to spend most of it with my school work. I would give my SO advanced notice that I’d need this time. Being the wonderfully supportive person that he is, my SO would set up some form of reward for me when my work was done. This could be dinner out at a favorite restaurant, a favorite TV show on the DVR for us to watch together, a bike ride at the beach, all things that I loved doing. It helped knowing that at the end of a long day of studying, I had something to look forward to and that I would be seeing him. It made for good incentive.

I have to say the support I received from my SO last year spoke volumes about him as a person and about the quality of our relationship. He was always there to encourage me when I was working on a project, he gave me time and space when I needed it to get things done, and he always made me feel like every moment we got to share, even it was just reading at a coffee shop, was time that he treasured. Having his support during this made our relationship stronger and helped me to be a better student hopefully you’ll see the same thing.
posted by Palmcorder Yajna at 8:17 AM on July 15

Perspective from the other side: communicate to your SO when you are going to be busy and what you are doing. If they are interested in your field, invite them to functions or lectures that are open to partners/the public. Definitely invite them to drinks out with your fellow grad students. Make an effort to have things that you do together that don't have to be planned in advance (like a tv show you always watch together, sports, whatever) so your SO will KNOW that you will be around during those times but there isn't the added stress (for you) of having to plan an outing.

My SO is about to start the second year of his MFA. I did not get into the same program as him so I put my MFA on hold for 3 years. It is ROUGH to be involved with a grad student. From hanging out with SOs of other students I know I am not alone. Lots of arguments, chores not performed and time not spent together. I have to really pick up the slack at home when school is in session (we live together and have a young dog). What keeps me going is knowing how important this is for him, his career, our future together. I also know during football season, I can count on him to be around watching games. (Not that I can talk during the games, but at least we can be together having a relaxing time!) He invites me to lectures, drinks out with the other art students, department functions where appropriate which helps me feel included but we are in the same field so YMMV.

Where we get into trouble is when he stands up at 10PM and says, "I have to go to the darkroom and help my students. Don't know when I'll be home. Bye." Its not that he has to go to school, its that I had no advance warning. If you can anticipate things like that I think it would be appreciated.

Finally, be compassionate. You are doing something stressful and exciting which will sometimes get in the way of having a relationship. When/if your SO is feeling neglected or lonely, don't get defensive immediately. I can know intellectually that grad school is our first priority as a couple but that doesn't mean I always feel great about it. Having my SO appreciate me and what I do to take pressure off him at home can go a long way to keeping bad feelings at bay.

Good luck in school and your relationship!
posted by rachums at 9:09 AM on July 15