I really like this guy, but I think I screwed up. Can I fix this?
July 14, 2009 2:42 PM Subscribe
I've been dating this guy who was pushing things along very quickly right from the beginning. I was unsure at first but after a little while I got on board and started reciprocating his feelings. Now he says we're moving too fast. I got angry and told him he was a jerk. But now I think I overreacted. How can I fix this? Should I even bother? Longish explanation inside.
Forgive the length -- I'll keep this as succinct as possible.
We've only been dating for two weeks, and he has been pushing things along much faster than I was ever intending to, but I've been ok with that. We met online, and scheduled a date within 24 hours of the first email. I met several of his close friends on our second date. They had all heard about me. He invited me on a weekend trip after our first date. He's made comments like "I can't wait for it to be winter so we can sit by a fire and drink hot chocolate together." Etc., etc. At first, I was skeptical of this guy, but he won me over pretty quickly and I soon let my guard down and showed that I really liked him, too. Admittedly, that started to manifest itself in me making lots of plans with him and starting to monopolize his free time.
This past weekend he was out of town, and I sent him a couple of friendly texts and emails, but he never responded. On Sunday night, he called me and had the "I don't think we're on the same page here" conversation. He admitted that it was partly his fault that I would think this was quickly heading toward something serious, but he "has a lot going on right now" and "isn't sure he has time for a relationship" blah blah blah. I was a little blindsided, although I had started to sense something was up when I never heard from him over the weekend. When I hung up the phone, I had the distinct impression that he was trying to break things off with me, although that was never said out loud.
I started to get indignant about the whole thing -- he's been barrelling forward this whole time, and now he says I'M going too fast?! Who does he think he is?? -- that kind of thing. Also, in the past year my only romantic encounters were two non-relationships that ended when the guys decided things were going too fast, so I'm sensitive about that now; and both of those wound up with me being strung along for several weeks, and that was humiliating, so I'd like to avoid going through that again. By the end of the night I had started to accept the idea of writing him off as a loss and never seeing him again. I was sad though, because I really do like this guy, and on the whole he seems very level-headed, despite how it might seem here.
Later that night, he sent me an email trying to "explain himself better." He said he has a history of rushing into relationships and flaming out because he burns too hot at the beginning, and he wants to "give whatever we have here a fighting chance, even if that contradicts some of the signals" he's been sending me.
So after reading this, I was royally confused, because that was a totally different vibe from what I remembered on the phone. And that made me even more annoyed. I wasn't even sure I wanted to deal with this. I thought about it for a long time and weighed whether I should explain any of this to him (i.e. why this upset me so much). I ultimately opted not to, going instead for writing the next day to say that we should take a break, and I suggested he think about what he wants in a relationship right now (if anything), and then he should call me in a week and we'll go from there.
...except that would be entirely too level-headed of me to just leave it at that, right? So a couple hours later I sent him another email telling him that there were a couple of things I needed to say. I admitted that I was probably overreacting to this, but that I felt jerked around. I told him I felt like an ass for believing that he could have fallen so hard for me so quickly, and I thought he was an ass for being so careless with how he acted around me if he wasn't sure of how he felt.
I didn't entirely mean that last part, and I shouldn't have said it. Now when I read his email, he sounds like he's being perfectly rational and genuinely does want to continue seeing me, and I sound like I'm totally out of my gourd. He still hasn't responded to either of my emails, so I'm guessing he probably agrees and wants nothing to do with me.
Ok, so, did I totally screw up here? And if I did, is there a way I can fix it? I'd really like to continue seeing him, and I'm ok with slowing things down, as long as that whole "fighting chance" thing was really true. I want to tell him that I've got my head back on a little straighter today and I can see that I might have misinterpreted what he was suggesting. Somehow I want to tell him "wait, really, I'm not crazy, I just got a little carried away," (even though MeFi might disagree). Do I write him yet again, and maybe tell him everything I've said here? I feel like I already sound to him like I'm spiraling out of control, and another email would only make it worse; also, it feels like this has a hint of a standoff to it, and if I cave first, I lose.
Here's another idea -- do I call him tomorrow and ask him to go for a walk with me so we can talk? Part of me thinks that seeing each other face to face would make this a much easier conversation, because I think we really do like each other.
Or do I just sit on my hands and see if he ever gets in touch with me again? And if he doesn't, do I wait a couple weeks and see if he's willing to give it another try? Or have I completely shot myself in the foot here?
I've gotten my close friends' opinions, but I'm interested to hear what the hive mind thinks. Feel free to rip me apart for being an idiot, because I think I deserve it. :(
Forgive the length -- I'll keep this as succinct as possible.
We've only been dating for two weeks, and he has been pushing things along much faster than I was ever intending to, but I've been ok with that. We met online, and scheduled a date within 24 hours of the first email. I met several of his close friends on our second date. They had all heard about me. He invited me on a weekend trip after our first date. He's made comments like "I can't wait for it to be winter so we can sit by a fire and drink hot chocolate together." Etc., etc. At first, I was skeptical of this guy, but he won me over pretty quickly and I soon let my guard down and showed that I really liked him, too. Admittedly, that started to manifest itself in me making lots of plans with him and starting to monopolize his free time.
This past weekend he was out of town, and I sent him a couple of friendly texts and emails, but he never responded. On Sunday night, he called me and had the "I don't think we're on the same page here" conversation. He admitted that it was partly his fault that I would think this was quickly heading toward something serious, but he "has a lot going on right now" and "isn't sure he has time for a relationship" blah blah blah. I was a little blindsided, although I had started to sense something was up when I never heard from him over the weekend. When I hung up the phone, I had the distinct impression that he was trying to break things off with me, although that was never said out loud.
I started to get indignant about the whole thing -- he's been barrelling forward this whole time, and now he says I'M going too fast?! Who does he think he is?? -- that kind of thing. Also, in the past year my only romantic encounters were two non-relationships that ended when the guys decided things were going too fast, so I'm sensitive about that now; and both of those wound up with me being strung along for several weeks, and that was humiliating, so I'd like to avoid going through that again. By the end of the night I had started to accept the idea of writing him off as a loss and never seeing him again. I was sad though, because I really do like this guy, and on the whole he seems very level-headed, despite how it might seem here.
Later that night, he sent me an email trying to "explain himself better." He said he has a history of rushing into relationships and flaming out because he burns too hot at the beginning, and he wants to "give whatever we have here a fighting chance, even if that contradicts some of the signals" he's been sending me.
So after reading this, I was royally confused, because that was a totally different vibe from what I remembered on the phone. And that made me even more annoyed. I wasn't even sure I wanted to deal with this. I thought about it for a long time and weighed whether I should explain any of this to him (i.e. why this upset me so much). I ultimately opted not to, going instead for writing the next day to say that we should take a break, and I suggested he think about what he wants in a relationship right now (if anything), and then he should call me in a week and we'll go from there.
...except that would be entirely too level-headed of me to just leave it at that, right? So a couple hours later I sent him another email telling him that there were a couple of things I needed to say. I admitted that I was probably overreacting to this, but that I felt jerked around. I told him I felt like an ass for believing that he could have fallen so hard for me so quickly, and I thought he was an ass for being so careless with how he acted around me if he wasn't sure of how he felt.
I didn't entirely mean that last part, and I shouldn't have said it. Now when I read his email, he sounds like he's being perfectly rational and genuinely does want to continue seeing me, and I sound like I'm totally out of my gourd. He still hasn't responded to either of my emails, so I'm guessing he probably agrees and wants nothing to do with me.
Ok, so, did I totally screw up here? And if I did, is there a way I can fix it? I'd really like to continue seeing him, and I'm ok with slowing things down, as long as that whole "fighting chance" thing was really true. I want to tell him that I've got my head back on a little straighter today and I can see that I might have misinterpreted what he was suggesting. Somehow I want to tell him "wait, really, I'm not crazy, I just got a little carried away," (even though MeFi might disagree). Do I write him yet again, and maybe tell him everything I've said here? I feel like I already sound to him like I'm spiraling out of control, and another email would only make it worse; also, it feels like this has a hint of a standoff to it, and if I cave first, I lose.
Here's another idea -- do I call him tomorrow and ask him to go for a walk with me so we can talk? Part of me thinks that seeing each other face to face would make this a much easier conversation, because I think we really do like each other.
Or do I just sit on my hands and see if he ever gets in touch with me again? And if he doesn't, do I wait a couple weeks and see if he's willing to give it another try? Or have I completely shot myself in the foot here?
I've gotten my close friends' opinions, but I'm interested to hear what the hive mind thinks. Feel free to rip me apart for being an idiot, because I think I deserve it. :(
I already sound to him like I'm spiraling out of control, and another email would only make it worse
Agreed. You've already sent two increasingly intense e-mails.
I think you stood up for yourself in your latest e-mail, even if it was a rushed/emotional response. To e-mail again with a semi-apology would be a significant backtrack and would be hypocritical considering you don't appreciate his flip-flopping. Also you would appear unstable.
Whether or not you'll be able to fix this depends on how understanding he is about your overreaction.
Do I just sit on my hands and see if he ever gets in touch with me again?
Yes.
And if he doesn't, do I wait a couple weeks and see if he's willing to give it another try?
No. If he doesn't respond this time, you should cut your losses.
posted by cranberrymonger at 2:52 PM on July 14, 2009 [7 favorites]
Agreed. You've already sent two increasingly intense e-mails.
I think you stood up for yourself in your latest e-mail, even if it was a rushed/emotional response. To e-mail again with a semi-apology would be a significant backtrack and would be hypocritical considering you don't appreciate his flip-flopping. Also you would appear unstable.
Whether or not you'll be able to fix this depends on how understanding he is about your overreaction.
Do I just sit on my hands and see if he ever gets in touch with me again?
Yes.
And if he doesn't, do I wait a couple weeks and see if he's willing to give it another try?
No. If he doesn't respond this time, you should cut your losses.
posted by cranberrymonger at 2:52 PM on July 14, 2009 [7 favorites]
It sounds like you're not in a very stable emotional place, and maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship at all until you can get a little more untangled. You don't want to be in a relationship just because you want a relationship, and it sounds like that's kind of what's going on here - you're inclined to grab on with both hands so the guy doesn't get away, not because you really like this guy in particular, but because you really, really want to be in a relationship - you want it to work.
What I would recommend is to step back from the situation a little bit. Don't contact the guy, don't even think about him. Think about you - what you want right now, what you need. Think about what "moving too fast" might be, and what your expectations actually are. If the dude calls you, deal with it then. If not, then... not. But you need to get your head in a better place before you can deal with anyone else.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:53 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
What I would recommend is to step back from the situation a little bit. Don't contact the guy, don't even think about him. Think about you - what you want right now, what you need. Think about what "moving too fast" might be, and what your expectations actually are. If the dude calls you, deal with it then. If not, then... not. But you need to get your head in a better place before you can deal with anyone else.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:53 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
Sorry I hope that my comment doesn't seem like I'm siding with him. I actually related a little bit to what you wrote and my advice is coming from experience: trying what you're doing (over-thinking, reacting with huge emotion to a relatively small situation) and having it blow up in my face repeatedly.
posted by cranberrymonger at 2:53 PM on July 14, 2009
posted by cranberrymonger at 2:53 PM on July 14, 2009
You suggested he wait a week to contact you--it's possible that he might be doing that. Your emails may have made him think differently of you, but writing him a third email right away will not help.
Wait a week, and if you still feel like you want to get to know him or hang out with him, call him (no email!) and suggest that. If he doesn't reciprocate, write it off.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:53 PM on July 14, 2009
Wait a week, and if you still feel like you want to get to know him or hang out with him, call him (no email!) and suggest that. If he doesn't reciprocate, write it off.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:53 PM on July 14, 2009
To me, the big red flag here is his front-loaded intensity. Were I to do the whole armchair-psychologist thing through the prism of your story, it sounds like this fella is prone to getting way, way overexcited about a girl, any girl, he has positive interactions with - the "burnout" he's referring to is likely when the reality of the woman he's getting to know better doesn't jibe with his idealization of her. The date within 24 hours? The immediate show-off session with his friends? Bad signs of a boy in a hurry to have A Girlfriend, Any Girlfriend. I'd warrant he's got a pedestal thing going here, and no woman looks right to him on that pedestal for long. He's as much as admitted that this is a pattern for him.
Another thing to consider - drama to duration-of-relationship ratios. To me, it sounds like about six months of drama have been packed into these last two weeks. Think about where you want to be in the next two weeks, in the next four - is it staring at your inbox and cellphone, trying to read the tea leaves from this fella's many mixed messages? Does anything you've experienced in the last little while leave you confident that any sort of stability is in your future with this guy?
So, to answer your actual question, I don't think the bulk of the screw-ups in this situation fall upon you - stop calling and writing for now and see what he does. If he acts like a grown-up, take it from there. If he keeps acting like a faux-romantic drama queen, keep your distance. If he doesn't contact you at all, well, it seems to me that this relationship dying a quiet, early death would not be the worst thing in the world.
posted by EatTheWeek at 3:04 PM on July 14, 2009 [17 favorites]
Another thing to consider - drama to duration-of-relationship ratios. To me, it sounds like about six months of drama have been packed into these last two weeks. Think about where you want to be in the next two weeks, in the next four - is it staring at your inbox and cellphone, trying to read the tea leaves from this fella's many mixed messages? Does anything you've experienced in the last little while leave you confident that any sort of stability is in your future with this guy?
So, to answer your actual question, I don't think the bulk of the screw-ups in this situation fall upon you - stop calling and writing for now and see what he does. If he acts like a grown-up, take it from there. If he keeps acting like a faux-romantic drama queen, keep your distance. If he doesn't contact you at all, well, it seems to me that this relationship dying a quiet, early death would not be the worst thing in the world.
posted by EatTheWeek at 3:04 PM on July 14, 2009 [17 favorites]
Wait for him to contact you. In the meantime, try to create three simple bullet points that explain to him how you would like to proceed for the next little while. These should be "forward-looking" statements, and should not rehash the recent past. Dating is supposed to be fun!
posted by KokuRyu at 3:04 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by KokuRyu at 3:04 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Honestly, this person sounds like he has issues and has a lot of push me pull you kind of relationships. He will pursue you hot when you are pissed or uninterested and then give you the big "hey now slow down" when you reciprocate. Trust me, you do not want this kind of drama in a relationship. If nothing else, he has non-trivial communication issues where he doesn't say what he means or mean what he says.
Your first instincts were right, you deserve to have someone who doesn't play games and genuinely wants to express enthusiasm for you and with you. You deserve someone who is better at communicating with you and makes you feel happy--it's too early in a relationship to be having these kinds of problems.
posted by Kimberly at 3:06 PM on July 14, 2009 [9 favorites]
Your first instincts were right, you deserve to have someone who doesn't play games and genuinely wants to express enthusiasm for you and with you. You deserve someone who is better at communicating with you and makes you feel happy--it's too early in a relationship to be having these kinds of problems.
posted by Kimberly at 3:06 PM on July 14, 2009 [9 favorites]
2 weeks is a little early in a relationship to get called an ass. If I'd have got those two e-mails I'd have read the first and thought 'Wow, okay, I'll call her in a week', then read the second and thought 'Wow, dodged a bullet there, not calling her'.
If you want to talk it out, call him, invite him for a drink and have a civil conversation about expectations. If he doesn't answer or doesn't respond to your voicemail, give it up.
posted by IanMorr at 3:06 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
If you want to talk it out, call him, invite him for a drink and have a civil conversation about expectations. If he doesn't answer or doesn't respond to your voicemail, give it up.
posted by IanMorr at 3:06 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
This level of High Drama a mere two weeks is a major red flag. Take it as a sign to back off, catch your breath, and put away all electronic devices.
If you hear from him again, you can choose whether to proceed further with him -- and please note that it is, indeed, your choice; you should not see proceeding further with him as an inevitablity -- based on what you've learned about him (and about yourself) in these few weeks.
If you don't hear from him again, you can be grateful that you most likely sidestepped further major drama (which -- and it is possible I speak from experience here -- is often both very very exciting and very very soul-crushing at the same time), and move forward with meeting someone new who will match your pace at getting involved in a relationship.
posted by scody at 3:09 PM on July 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
If you hear from him again, you can choose whether to proceed further with him -- and please note that it is, indeed, your choice; you should not see proceeding further with him as an inevitablity -- based on what you've learned about him (and about yourself) in these few weeks.
If you don't hear from him again, you can be grateful that you most likely sidestepped further major drama (which -- and it is possible I speak from experience here -- is often both very very exciting and very very soul-crushing at the same time), and move forward with meeting someone new who will match your pace at getting involved in a relationship.
posted by scody at 3:09 PM on July 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
I know exactly how this goes; I remember being in your shoes with perfect clarity. But since, per your original post, you don't have much experience with relationships, allow me to advise you what I would advise myself, if I could go back in time:
DON'T contact him again. It'll only make things more awkward. And if he contacts you, think very, very hard before you give him another chance. Seriously -- if there's this much drama after two weeks, it's just not worth it.
I know that sucks to hear, and that what you felt when you finally relaxed your guard was exciting and intoxicating and seemed to illuminate everything around you in a different and profoundly marvelous way, and that it's hard to give up on that sense of possibility. But the good news is: the fact that you felt that way means you're capable of feeling that with someone else -- someone who's not going to be a flake; someone who's going to fall head over heels for you at the same time you fall for him; someone who's going to keep coming on strong after two weeks (and a month, and six months, and hey, even a year). And that's the guy you want, because he's the one who's going to give you the right "fun:angst" ratio.
So. Go looking for that guy. Or let him find you. But don't waste your time on a guy who's already messing with your head after fourteen days. (Fourteen days!)
Seriously. Don't contact him.
posted by artemisia at 3:15 PM on July 14, 2009 [25 favorites]
DON'T contact him again. It'll only make things more awkward. And if he contacts you, think very, very hard before you give him another chance. Seriously -- if there's this much drama after two weeks, it's just not worth it.
I know that sucks to hear, and that what you felt when you finally relaxed your guard was exciting and intoxicating and seemed to illuminate everything around you in a different and profoundly marvelous way, and that it's hard to give up on that sense of possibility. But the good news is: the fact that you felt that way means you're capable of feeling that with someone else -- someone who's not going to be a flake; someone who's going to fall head over heels for you at the same time you fall for him; someone who's going to keep coming on strong after two weeks (and a month, and six months, and hey, even a year). And that's the guy you want, because he's the one who's going to give you the right "fun:angst" ratio.
So. Go looking for that guy. Or let him find you. But don't waste your time on a guy who's already messing with your head after fourteen days. (Fourteen days!)
Seriously. Don't contact him.
posted by artemisia at 3:15 PM on July 14, 2009 [25 favorites]
Just sit on your hands. Really. You would have been in a very good position if you had never sent the second email. The fact that he hasn't responded to either email makes me think that you should not send a third.
Time really is your friend here. If I were you, I would wait about a week. If you still haven't heard anything in a week, casually send him a text letting him know you'll be in his neighborhood in a few hours and see if he wants to get together for a quick meal, etc. If you get no answer to a causal encounter offer like that, like this relationship go.
Can't stress enough that you shouldn't send a third communication. Who knows what will happen in the next week, but wait and find out. :)
posted by gocubbies at 3:19 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Time really is your friend here. If I were you, I would wait about a week. If you still haven't heard anything in a week, casually send him a text letting him know you'll be in his neighborhood in a few hours and see if he wants to get together for a quick meal, etc. If you get no answer to a causal encounter offer like that, like this relationship go.
Can't stress enough that you shouldn't send a third communication. Who knows what will happen in the next week, but wait and find out. :)
posted by gocubbies at 3:19 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
This is...pretty much over. Dude has told you he's pretty much going to flame out and bail on you anyway, AND you ah...well, you hit the crazy button. We all do it once in a while, but odds are incredibly high you'll never hear from him again after e-mail #2. Write this one off as a loss and lose his contact info. Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:30 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:30 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
YIKES! Lots and lots of drama for only having dated for two weeks (!!). The quick ramp up (meeting his friends, going out of town after the first date) followed by the quick withdrawal rings a lot of bells for me. Your extreme reaction to not hearing from him over the weekend ( I can't even imagine calling someone I've known for two weeks over the weekend while they are out of town, much less getting bent if he didn't respond) tells me that you are already getting sucked into this rollercoaster. This is not a normal progression for a relationship, and I would be very concerned about this guy's mental and emotional maturity.
I really recommend that you take this opportunity to get your head back together and decide if this is really what you want. He will definitely call you back, because you're already playing his game, but you really should think twice about answering.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:32 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
I really recommend that you take this opportunity to get your head back together and decide if this is really what you want. He will definitely call you back, because you're already playing his game, but you really should think twice about answering.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:32 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This sounds like a guy I just went out with! Who I am never going to see again!
I don't let my guard down after a week, no matter how enthusiastic they are. As a matter of fact, the more enthusiastic they are... the more skeptical I am. At least for the first couple of weeks!
I've just learned that many men turn on the enthusiasm to "get" whatever it is they're after (in my recent date's case it seemed to be instant girlfriend) but what they're after may not have anything to do with you.
It sounds like the guy you are seeing is lonely and insecure. He'll pull away when you are into him, and when you pull away, he'll be after you. That sucks.
You reaction was totally totally right - you did NOTHING WRONG.
Don't let him pull you in with the whole "fighting chance" talk. That's manipulation. This isn't a movie, or a soap opera. This is two weeks, in another two weeks you will think of him and say, "wow, so glad he hasn't called me, he was a mess!"
Don't do anything. Don't try to make up. Chances are, your email won't have perturbed him in the least, on the contrary, it'll give him a reason to go after you again.
Don't let him pull you in.
posted by Locochona at 3:53 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
I don't let my guard down after a week, no matter how enthusiastic they are. As a matter of fact, the more enthusiastic they are... the more skeptical I am. At least for the first couple of weeks!
I've just learned that many men turn on the enthusiasm to "get" whatever it is they're after (in my recent date's case it seemed to be instant girlfriend) but what they're after may not have anything to do with you.
It sounds like the guy you are seeing is lonely and insecure. He'll pull away when you are into him, and when you pull away, he'll be after you. That sucks.
You reaction was totally totally right - you did NOTHING WRONG.
Don't let him pull you in with the whole "fighting chance" talk. That's manipulation. This isn't a movie, or a soap opera. This is two weeks, in another two weeks you will think of him and say, "wow, so glad he hasn't called me, he was a mess!"
Don't do anything. Don't try to make up. Chances are, your email won't have perturbed him in the least, on the contrary, it'll give him a reason to go after you again.
Don't let him pull you in.
posted by Locochona at 3:53 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
I've been in a very similar situation - crazy about a guy who goes from hot to cold really quickly. What you need to accept is that a guy can be both awesome and totally emotionally unqualified for a relationship. That sounds like your guy. Unfortunately, that means you should not date him. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone unless they're unambiguously, clearly into you. If it's obvious that they have doubts, you will wind up feeling like the relationship is compromising your dignity. You deserve better.
posted by mellifluous at 4:08 PM on July 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
posted by mellifluous at 4:08 PM on July 14, 2009 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Artemisia makes a great point about the benefit of experience and what you would tell yourself if you could go back in time! Lots of people pointed out that the high drama and push/pull things are red flags. These are all good points. I think mostly these are from folks who have been there, done that. They are writing because, like artemisia, your scenario sounds familiar and they want to save you from the mistakes they made - and me, too!
I can not stress this enough - people who genuinely care about you and are good for you do not make you feel badly or create lots of drama in your life.
And I'll add this: The guy has consciously or subconsciously played your emotions.
He's "hooked" himself into your psyche by leading you on and gaining your trust in the beginning. He then ramped up your emotions by blowing you off over the weekend (producing anxiety) and then phoning to say he's just not that into you. And why? Because you started to display that you were as into him as he appeared to be into you! (woops! double anxiety and disappointment.) He gave you hope almost the very next minute by writing a follow-up email which sounded a lot more reasonable, whereby you triple guessed your initial gut-reaction that he was poor boyfriend material and fired back a few emails back betraying exactly how upset and conflicted he's made you feel ..... Up and down went your emotions, yes?
I suspect for him this means some form of success in the situation. I suspect he feeds off the attention. He probably feeds off your energy somehow, even if he's not in direct contact. Like, here you are writing about him, thinking about him, having intense emotions regarding an incident he created by leading you on and then blowing you off... and there you are freaking out about your response to something uncool he did, building up lots of energy and sending it in his direction, right? I'm sorry to say, but maybe this is exactly how this guy gets his jollies. He told you as much when he described his relationship style. Take him at his word.
If you aren't convinced, maybe go a few more rounds with the guy. The push/pull thing is a pattern he will continue into the future, especially with you again if you let him get away with it and take him back in a week or so.
Eventually (or right now, I hope;) you might want to electronically prevent yourself from receiving his communications. It will be so much easier to forget about him that way. Go ahead and change his name in your cellphone (maybe to something like "reject call") or delete his number altogether. Change your email filters to auto delete any emails he sends. Out of site, out of mind.
You deserve a great boyfriend with stable emotions. Don't forget that.
(sorry I wrote so much, explaining to the nth degree. i just wish it had been laid out for me over and over again when i was younger how valuable my emotions are and how to "spend" them on the right people in the right ways. i was stupid when I was younger - sure! but if repeated enough, i think i would have finally gotten the message:))
posted by jbenben at 4:25 PM on July 14, 2009 [8 favorites]
I can not stress this enough - people who genuinely care about you and are good for you do not make you feel badly or create lots of drama in your life.
And I'll add this: The guy has consciously or subconsciously played your emotions.
He's "hooked" himself into your psyche by leading you on and gaining your trust in the beginning. He then ramped up your emotions by blowing you off over the weekend (producing anxiety) and then phoning to say he's just not that into you. And why? Because you started to display that you were as into him as he appeared to be into you! (woops! double anxiety and disappointment.) He gave you hope almost the very next minute by writing a follow-up email which sounded a lot more reasonable, whereby you triple guessed your initial gut-reaction that he was poor boyfriend material and fired back a few emails back betraying exactly how upset and conflicted he's made you feel ..... Up and down went your emotions, yes?
I suspect for him this means some form of success in the situation. I suspect he feeds off the attention. He probably feeds off your energy somehow, even if he's not in direct contact. Like, here you are writing about him, thinking about him, having intense emotions regarding an incident he created by leading you on and then blowing you off... and there you are freaking out about your response to something uncool he did, building up lots of energy and sending it in his direction, right? I'm sorry to say, but maybe this is exactly how this guy gets his jollies. He told you as much when he described his relationship style. Take him at his word.
If you aren't convinced, maybe go a few more rounds with the guy. The push/pull thing is a pattern he will continue into the future, especially with you again if you let him get away with it and take him back in a week or so.
Eventually (or right now, I hope;) you might want to electronically prevent yourself from receiving his communications. It will be so much easier to forget about him that way. Go ahead and change his name in your cellphone (maybe to something like "reject call") or delete his number altogether. Change your email filters to auto delete any emails he sends. Out of site, out of mind.
You deserve a great boyfriend with stable emotions. Don't forget that.
(sorry I wrote so much, explaining to the nth degree. i just wish it had been laid out for me over and over again when i was younger how valuable my emotions are and how to "spend" them on the right people in the right ways. i was stupid when I was younger - sure! but if repeated enough, i think i would have finally gotten the message:))
posted by jbenben at 4:25 PM on July 14, 2009 [8 favorites]
Ok, so, did I totally screw up here?
Fraid so.
Trying to do intimacy via email (or IM, or text, or to some extent even phone) is a bad, bad idea. Electronic communication doesn't have the directness and steerability of face to face conversation; nor does it give you time for reflection as paper mail does. It's pretty much in the Uncanny Valley of communication forms. Don't use it for anything emotionally serious.
posted by flabdablet at 4:33 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Fraid so.
Trying to do intimacy via email (or IM, or text, or to some extent even phone) is a bad, bad idea. Electronic communication doesn't have the directness and steerability of face to face conversation; nor does it give you time for reflection as paper mail does. It's pretty much in the Uncanny Valley of communication forms. Don't use it for anything emotionally serious.
posted by flabdablet at 4:33 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
I say this from experience: Stay away. Run away if he comes calling.
Here it is at the 2 week mark. Already there's been a Big Problem and a Serious Talk and a few Frantic Emails. Ok, so if you two do work out this difference and move forward? It will buy you maybe another few weeks before you get another Big Problem/Serious Talk/Frantic Emails.
Life is too short and he is just not hot enough for that.
posted by Houstonian at 4:35 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Here it is at the 2 week mark. Already there's been a Big Problem and a Serious Talk and a few Frantic Emails. Ok, so if you two do work out this difference and move forward? It will buy you maybe another few weeks before you get another Big Problem/Serious Talk/Frantic Emails.
Life is too short and he is just not hot enough for that.
posted by Houstonian at 4:35 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Hi! Sounds like every relationship I've ever had! Sadly, none of them work out well - they all end up saying "hey you're so great and awesome and fun and cute and amazing but I don't want a relationship right now." Which is pretty much what this guy is saying - he came on strong because he probably does think you're so great and awesome and fun and cute and amazing... but, he says he doesn't want a relationship. So listen to him.
I don't think YOU screwed up - you did everything right - you started liking him because he showed you that liking him is OK. But guys do this crap all the time. So there's a chance he might want to hang out with you a few times more. It could be because he still wants to get some (or forgive me if I'm assuming that and it's not true), and since he doesn't hate being around you he'll hang out with you, but if he said he doesn't want a relationship, it won't turn into one, and even if you prolong this thing that you think you're giving a fighting chance to, it probably won't work. So don't ASK to TALK to him. If you want to see him again, just think of something fun to do and ask him to do it - "hey, bowling and drinks Thursday night?" If he does want to hang out, great, if a conversation about your relationship comes up, then OK. If he doesn't want to hang out, then there's your answer, and there's no point in talking about it more.
Just know that YOU did not screw up. It's his fault for leading you on so strongly at first and then freaking out when you actually liked him to. What you want is someone who's going to come on as strong, who you'll start liking just as much, and who'll LIKE the fact that you're into him as well. Obviously this guy isn't the guy if he doesn't want you to be that into him.
Sure, there are exceptions, but they're SO RARE. I'd say as much as it sucks, stop rationalizing in your head that you should still explain your behaviour to him, and just leave him be. If he calls, talk to him and hang out with him if you wish. But I wouldn't hope for it or wait by the phone. Go out and do other things to distract yourself.
I know how freakin disappointing it is to think it's safe to like a guy because he seems to be so into you and then find out that he doesn't want a relationship, but it happens all the time, so just try to move on.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 5:43 PM on July 14, 2009 [5 favorites]
I don't think YOU screwed up - you did everything right - you started liking him because he showed you that liking him is OK. But guys do this crap all the time. So there's a chance he might want to hang out with you a few times more. It could be because he still wants to get some (or forgive me if I'm assuming that and it's not true), and since he doesn't hate being around you he'll hang out with you, but if he said he doesn't want a relationship, it won't turn into one, and even if you prolong this thing that you think you're giving a fighting chance to, it probably won't work. So don't ASK to TALK to him. If you want to see him again, just think of something fun to do and ask him to do it - "hey, bowling and drinks Thursday night?" If he does want to hang out, great, if a conversation about your relationship comes up, then OK. If he doesn't want to hang out, then there's your answer, and there's no point in talking about it more.
Just know that YOU did not screw up. It's his fault for leading you on so strongly at first and then freaking out when you actually liked him to. What you want is someone who's going to come on as strong, who you'll start liking just as much, and who'll LIKE the fact that you're into him as well. Obviously this guy isn't the guy if he doesn't want you to be that into him.
Sure, there are exceptions, but they're SO RARE. I'd say as much as it sucks, stop rationalizing in your head that you should still explain your behaviour to him, and just leave him be. If he calls, talk to him and hang out with him if you wish. But I wouldn't hope for it or wait by the phone. Go out and do other things to distract yourself.
I know how freakin disappointing it is to think it's safe to like a guy because he seems to be so into you and then find out that he doesn't want a relationship, but it happens all the time, so just try to move on.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 5:43 PM on July 14, 2009 [5 favorites]
"Things are going too fast" is a ridiculous copout along the lines of "It's not you, it's me" and "I'm just in a weird place for a relationship right now". (Occasionally you can take these things at face value but for the most part they are just 100% acceptable break up/back track fodder)
I don't think you are crazy; I think you are reacting emotionally to people who are wilfully manipulating your feelings for their own personal agenda. Maybe try to date someone _boring_ when you get over this most recent string of flakes.
posted by shownomercy at 5:45 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't think you are crazy; I think you are reacting emotionally to people who are wilfully manipulating your feelings for their own personal agenda. Maybe try to date someone _boring_ when you get over this most recent string of flakes.
posted by shownomercy at 5:45 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think some people just rush into relationships and push, push, push because they crave the validation of having another person want them and want to be with them. Then, as soon as things get "serious" - i.e., the object of their desire begins reciprocating enthusiastically - the goal is achieved and only THEN do they put on the brakes and assess whether they want to be in an actual relationship. It's definitely a sign of desperation, and it hurts good people like you all the time.
Trust me, I know how hard this advice is to follow but DO NOT WRITE HIM AGAIN. If the urge becomes overwhelming, come back to this thread and read it until the urge has passed.
posted by meggie78 at 5:59 PM on July 14, 2009 [7 favorites]
Trust me, I know how hard this advice is to follow but DO NOT WRITE HIM AGAIN. If the urge becomes overwhelming, come back to this thread and read it until the urge has passed.
posted by meggie78 at 5:59 PM on July 14, 2009 [7 favorites]
I've been dating this guy
If this was a good situation, you wouldn't be referring to him as "this guy".
posted by Kwine at 6:02 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
If this was a good situation, you wouldn't be referring to him as "this guy".
posted by Kwine at 6:02 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Just another voice chiming in that you should sit on your hands for the week and see if he responds. If he doesn't get in touch within about 10 days of your last email, and you think he might still be worth dating, then sending a casual text or email checking in is totally reasonable. I'm saying about 10 days, so it doesn't look like you are counting down the days and pouncing on him as soon as the week is up. Normally, I wouldn't suggest being that calculating, but if you don't receive a response, you want to balance out the intensity of the last email. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 6:02 PM on July 14, 2009
posted by katemcd at 6:02 PM on July 14, 2009
Seconding restless_nomad.
Here is a simple rule: if you ever feel the need to write an ask metafilter question of this length about a weeks-old relationship, you need to walk away.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:15 PM on July 14, 2009 [12 favorites]
Here is a simple rule: if you ever feel the need to write an ask metafilter question of this length about a weeks-old relationship, you need to walk away.
posted by ludwig_van at 6:15 PM on July 14, 2009 [12 favorites]
It shouldn't be this hard. And he is making you crazy. Don't contact him.
posted by janerica at 6:20 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by janerica at 6:20 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
A side issue that might be useful for now, but also to keep in mind going forwards:
*It's best to believe what people tell you about themselves*
(at least, as a default; and as an Occam's Razor-like principle that the simplest explanation is the most likely to be correct)
You wrote: he "has a lot going on right now" and "isn't sure he has time for a relationship" blah blah blah
Now, you may or may not know at this point what's going on in his life (with work, family, or any of the other 1001 things that take up our time & energies) but you seem to be treating those statements as euphemisms, whereas it could really be exactly that: he's way busy, and might've found the texts & emails when he was out of town to tip him a bit over the edge, into thinking "Hey, this relationship business might be a bit more work than I really had room for..." *especially* when it suddenly metamorphosed into a drama-filled firefighting exercise.
That was about all I had to add. I tend to agree with everybody else above about running from this hot-n-cold drama, but for now I'd suggest just chilling for a bit because it's always possible that his words were the truth, and he's worried that he might have bitten off a bit more than he can chew. So yeah, chill & ease up on the pressure - he might come around, especially if the initial speed has given him the frights.
And just for good measure, here's a neat little metaphor from Neal Cassady - friend & muse of Kerouac & Ginsberg et al (me paraphrasing):
"Life is a bit like driving a car. Mostly, you might stick to your lane. If you drift too far to one side, you correct & you're back driving the right line. But some people overcorrect, and to counter that, they have to overcorrect again, and they end up fishtailing all over the road at times until they spin out of control. The trick to driving well is to avoid getting into this vicious & dangerous cycle of overcorrecting."
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:53 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
*It's best to believe what people tell you about themselves*
(at least, as a default; and as an Occam's Razor-like principle that the simplest explanation is the most likely to be correct)
You wrote: he "has a lot going on right now" and "isn't sure he has time for a relationship" blah blah blah
Now, you may or may not know at this point what's going on in his life (with work, family, or any of the other 1001 things that take up our time & energies) but you seem to be treating those statements as euphemisms, whereas it could really be exactly that: he's way busy, and might've found the texts & emails when he was out of town to tip him a bit over the edge, into thinking "Hey, this relationship business might be a bit more work than I really had room for..." *especially* when it suddenly metamorphosed into a drama-filled firefighting exercise.
That was about all I had to add. I tend to agree with everybody else above about running from this hot-n-cold drama, but for now I'd suggest just chilling for a bit because it's always possible that his words were the truth, and he's worried that he might have bitten off a bit more than he can chew. So yeah, chill & ease up on the pressure - he might come around, especially if the initial speed has given him the frights.
And just for good measure, here's a neat little metaphor from Neal Cassady - friend & muse of Kerouac & Ginsberg et al (me paraphrasing):
"Life is a bit like driving a car. Mostly, you might stick to your lane. If you drift too far to one side, you correct & you're back driving the right line. But some people overcorrect, and to counter that, they have to overcorrect again, and they end up fishtailing all over the road at times until they spin out of control. The trick to driving well is to avoid getting into this vicious & dangerous cycle of overcorrecting."
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:53 PM on July 14, 2009 [1 favorite]
Stop beating yourself up. This guy is a flake. And yet you're the one sitting there feeling bad because you told him something that was completely true and exactly how you felt. Your reality is correct, too - he led you on, encouraged your affection for him, and then told you to back off after you sent him a couple of text messages. Jesus, it's two weeks and he's giving you the "we're not on the same page" talk? Especially after he's laid on the "and here's my entire circle of friends!" routine? No. Gah. Just....no.
You did nothing wrong. You behaved in accordance with your feelings. He, on the other hand, behaved one way when he felt another. Not only that, he KNOWS HIS RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS and yet is still trying to keep his options with you open-ended. This is immature and unfair. If he "burns too hot" in the beginning (gag me with a copy of Women Who Love Too Much), then that is his problem and, were he a better adjusted person, he wouldn't make it yours. You liked him, you trusted him, you let your guard down and then he told you YOU were moving too fast. He's garden-variety terrified of real relationships, projecting his own crap onto you, and yet, somehow, you are the one sitting there feeling like you did something wrong. He's a menace and I encourage you to de-friend him on SureThingHandsome, or whatever site you met him on.
Let this be a lesson - guys who come on this strong and this fast invariably back off and disappear as quickly. Be done with this guy, focus on what you want out of your own life, and don't brook this sort of nonsense in the future.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:16 PM on July 14, 2009 [8 favorites]
You did nothing wrong. You behaved in accordance with your feelings. He, on the other hand, behaved one way when he felt another. Not only that, he KNOWS HIS RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS and yet is still trying to keep his options with you open-ended. This is immature and unfair. If he "burns too hot" in the beginning (gag me with a copy of Women Who Love Too Much), then that is his problem and, were he a better adjusted person, he wouldn't make it yours. You liked him, you trusted him, you let your guard down and then he told you YOU were moving too fast. He's garden-variety terrified of real relationships, projecting his own crap onto you, and yet, somehow, you are the one sitting there feeling like you did something wrong. He's a menace and I encourage you to de-friend him on SureThingHandsome, or whatever site you met him on.
Let this be a lesson - guys who come on this strong and this fast invariably back off and disappear as quickly. Be done with this guy, focus on what you want out of your own life, and don't brook this sort of nonsense in the future.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:16 PM on July 14, 2009 [8 favorites]
You don't know what will happen. Focus on becoming comfortable with that fact by acknowledging that to yourself silently every time you have a pang for him. Works everytime.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:40 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 8:40 PM on July 14, 2009 [2 favorites]
Move on. When I was single and dating, for a long time, I was just like you. Then one day I woke up and decided I would no longer put up with any relationship that had me constantly analysing what just happened, trying to figure out what he meant when he said this or that, or putting up with mixed signals. Basically any guy who tried to play games automatically disqualified himself as a potential partner.
And you know what, as soon as I did that, life got a lot simpler. Men knew I was a straight shooter and I established what behaviour I wouldn't tolerate. It's hard for a guy to jerk you around if he's not in your life and you've moved on to someone better. People can only put you through drama if you let them. It worked for me, and then I found I attracted men who were looking for the same thing.
posted by Jubey at 9:18 PM on July 14, 2009 [5 favorites]
And you know what, as soon as I did that, life got a lot simpler. Men knew I was a straight shooter and I established what behaviour I wouldn't tolerate. It's hard for a guy to jerk you around if he's not in your life and you've moved on to someone better. People can only put you through drama if you let them. It worked for me, and then I found I attracted men who were looking for the same thing.
posted by Jubey at 9:18 PM on July 14, 2009 [5 favorites]
Something like this happened to me a couple weeks ago, except I went a little crazy and confronted him in person. I felt better afterward, but am wiser now. I was going through the i'm about to turn 25 and need to get serious asap! phase. A major event has now changed my perspective, but dating still sucks!
posted by greatalleycat at 9:45 PM on July 14, 2009
posted by greatalleycat at 9:45 PM on July 14, 2009
You know, I'm really not sure what the hell I was writing before..."a lot going on right now" and "isn't sure he has time for a relationship" are stock-standard excuses for letting people down gently.
For some reason I just got hung up on the idea that sometimes a spade is just a spade & there's no hidden meaning behind it, and that maybe he was actually speaking his mind & explaining where his head is at right now...although it doesn't exactly explain what sounds like a sudden & radical about-face on his part.
(But the recommendation for you to take those words at face value stands true)
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:56 PM on July 14, 2009
For some reason I just got hung up on the idea that sometimes a spade is just a spade & there's no hidden meaning behind it, and that maybe he was actually speaking his mind & explaining where his head is at right now...although it doesn't exactly explain what sounds like a sudden & radical about-face on his part.
(But the recommendation for you to take those words at face value stands true)
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:56 PM on July 14, 2009
When you finished the no time for a relationship call you already thought he wanted to break up. (I tend to agree with that assessment.) So even if you totally screwed up (which I don't think you really did), what could you actually have lost? If he already wanted to break up, pretty much no email from you was going to change that.
And I'm not so sure you should want it to. He pretty much did act like an ass, and I don't blame you for being pissed. You've only invested two weeks - if there are major issues two weeks in, cut your losses and go.
I try to resist sending emotional relationship emails right away - I write what I have to say and stick it in a draft folder, or write it out in Word. Then I go back when I'm a little calmer or have talked it over with friends or slept on it or whatever. (I have been where you are now, regretting an email because I felt like I had somehow caused some issue and wishing I hadn't sent it.)
posted by KAS at 6:34 AM on July 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
And I'm not so sure you should want it to. He pretty much did act like an ass, and I don't blame you for being pissed. You've only invested two weeks - if there are major issues two weeks in, cut your losses and go.
I try to resist sending emotional relationship emails right away - I write what I have to say and stick it in a draft folder, or write it out in Word. Then I go back when I'm a little calmer or have talked it over with friends or slept on it or whatever. (I have been where you are now, regretting an email because I felt like I had somehow caused some issue and wishing I hadn't sent it.)
posted by KAS at 6:34 AM on July 15, 2009 [1 favorite]
Or do I just sit on my hands and see if he ever gets in touch with me again? And if he doesn't, do I wait a couple weeks and see if he's willing to give it another try? Or have I completely shot myself in the foot here?
Wait, why are you willing to give it another try? Why hasn't he totally shot himself in the foot here? I mean, you were right. He was being an ass. He's being inconsistent and toying with your emotions. It's gone from OMG fast to OMG show-off to OMG avoid to OMG breaking up? to OMG maybe not, all in two weeks? And that's just his side of it.
Either you have way more energy or way more tolerance than I do. You should not be apologizing. Chalk it up as a learning experience, and if he comes back apologetic and having simmered down, maybe try this thing out again.
posted by heatherann at 8:57 AM on July 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
Wait, why are you willing to give it another try? Why hasn't he totally shot himself in the foot here? I mean, you were right. He was being an ass. He's being inconsistent and toying with your emotions. It's gone from OMG fast to OMG show-off to OMG avoid to OMG breaking up? to OMG maybe not, all in two weeks? And that's just his side of it.
Either you have way more energy or way more tolerance than I do. You should not be apologizing. Chalk it up as a learning experience, and if he comes back apologetic and having simmered down, maybe try this thing out again.
posted by heatherann at 8:57 AM on July 15, 2009 [2 favorites]
Normally relationships are supposed to be extra awesome in the first couple weeks and months. That you've been fighting already seems a bit off. I'd move on, unless he does something incredible.
posted by chunking express at 9:06 AM on July 15, 2009
posted by chunking express at 9:06 AM on July 15, 2009
Also, it is patently impossible to get to know someone so well in two weeks. Our hormones may convince ourselves otherwise. So, yes, you probably blew it.
You don't know this guy. You haven't had time. But you DO know that your reaction was from the 'too fast' conversations in the past, and that is what spilled out.
This is the third guy who has said the relationship is going 'too fast'. I am sorry, but I tend to agree with them just from the information you gave in the post. You really were going too fast in this one (not saying he wasn't as well). To react this way (we have all done it, btw), after two weeks makes no logical sense at all, even if you were just wanting to be in 'a' relationship.
You mention thinking about 'taking a break'. It has been two weeks. You don't even have anything to take a break from.
I would gently reexamine the comments the three guys have made about going 'too fast' and see if you can find any truth that might support those statements and see if there might be different choices you would like to make.
And, yay! You learned something to take with you for the next and better man you meet!
posted by Vaike at 9:28 AM on July 15, 2009
You don't know this guy. You haven't had time. But you DO know that your reaction was from the 'too fast' conversations in the past, and that is what spilled out.
This is the third guy who has said the relationship is going 'too fast'. I am sorry, but I tend to agree with them just from the information you gave in the post. You really were going too fast in this one (not saying he wasn't as well). To react this way (we have all done it, btw), after two weeks makes no logical sense at all, even if you were just wanting to be in 'a' relationship.
You mention thinking about 'taking a break'. It has been two weeks. You don't even have anything to take a break from.
I would gently reexamine the comments the three guys have made about going 'too fast' and see if you can find any truth that might support those statements and see if there might be different choices you would like to make.
And, yay! You learned something to take with you for the next and better man you meet!
posted by Vaike at 9:28 AM on July 15, 2009
Response by poster: Oh, you are all so wise. And of course I listened to none of you. But I guess you learn by making mistakes, right?
I sat on my hands and didn't contact him. He called me a couple days after I wrote this post. He said I was 100% right that he was being an ass, and he thanked me for saying it. And so continued THE MOST dramatic relationship I have ever had.
In the span of six weeks, we ended things three times (this one included). Then there was a break for about a month, then we dated again for 3 weeks and ended it twice. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
When he was around me, he was incredibly sweet and fun and made me feel like gold. When he was not around me, it was like he had vanished into thin air. I'd send him a text or an email, and he'd reply maybe one in four times, usually short and hurried. Then he'd call a few days later and want to do something and I'd say yes because I had nothing better going on, and the cycle would begin again.
Last weekend I finally told him I was tired of it and I didn't want to see him for a long time. Of course, this conversation happened at 1:30 in the morning on a shadowed side street, outside a party he was throwing. We were both a little drunk, leaning against the side of a building, intermittently making out and telling him I had to go and don't contact me and him trying to convince me to stay. Yeah, it was ridiculous and melodramatic but you know what? It was also FUN.
I don't regret the time I spent on him because now I've had that experience and gotten it out of my system. I know first-hand that the drama is fun but ultimately not worth the energy it eats up, and I think that's something I had to experience for yourself before I could really believe it. Now I expect a lot more -- if a guy wants me that much, he'll be willing to take it slow and prove that he's worthy. And if he's not willing, then he didn't really want me that much to begin with.
Boy, was he cute though. :)
posted by roscopcoletrane at 9:28 AM on October 6, 2009 [4 favorites]
I sat on my hands and didn't contact him. He called me a couple days after I wrote this post. He said I was 100% right that he was being an ass, and he thanked me for saying it. And so continued THE MOST dramatic relationship I have ever had.
In the span of six weeks, we ended things three times (this one included). Then there was a break for about a month, then we dated again for 3 weeks and ended it twice. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
When he was around me, he was incredibly sweet and fun and made me feel like gold. When he was not around me, it was like he had vanished into thin air. I'd send him a text or an email, and he'd reply maybe one in four times, usually short and hurried. Then he'd call a few days later and want to do something and I'd say yes because I had nothing better going on, and the cycle would begin again.
Last weekend I finally told him I was tired of it and I didn't want to see him for a long time. Of course, this conversation happened at 1:30 in the morning on a shadowed side street, outside a party he was throwing. We were both a little drunk, leaning against the side of a building, intermittently making out and telling him I had to go and don't contact me and him trying to convince me to stay. Yeah, it was ridiculous and melodramatic but you know what? It was also FUN.
I don't regret the time I spent on him because now I've had that experience and gotten it out of my system. I know first-hand that the drama is fun but ultimately not worth the energy it eats up, and I think that's something I had to experience for yourself before I could really believe it. Now I expect a lot more -- if a guy wants me that much, he'll be willing to take it slow and prove that he's worthy. And if he's not willing, then he didn't really want me that much to begin with.
Boy, was he cute though. :)
posted by roscopcoletrane at 9:28 AM on October 6, 2009 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
He has a history of rushing into relationships and then burning out. Guess what's just happened to you... :)
Find someone who wants to be with you, without the drama. Blowing hot and cold like this doesn't make for stable, long term relationships. I speak from experience.
posted by Solomon at 2:48 PM on July 14, 2009 [7 favorites]