I am having trouble accepting that my half-sister and I are not cut out for having an adult relationship together. I'm very sad about it and would love some ideas for moving past this.
July 13, 2009 5:48 PM Subscribe
I am having trouble accepting that my half-sister and I are not cut out for having an adult relationship together. I'm very sad about it and would love some ideas for moving past this.
I recently had a huge blow-up with my half-sister when she got upset with me over something which involved another family member, was resolved between me and that person within a day of it happening, and was none of her business anyway. It's finally driven home the point that she and I just are not ready for a mature relationship right now.
There is a long 'blended family child of divorce issues' saga I could get into, but the short version is that she believes (incorrectly) that my older sister and I have some sort of conspiracy against Dad, has never forgiven me for it, and has some drama queen tendencies which have come up before and for which I have little patience.
It's clear that my sister is not ready to have any sort of sensible, rational interaction with me. I have apologized sincerely for any past events which might have hurt her. She has not accepted these apologies, and will occasionally bring up these past events (some dating back as far as fifteen years) as 'evidence' that I am bad for the family. Sometimes, these messages are accompanied by lists of ways I might improve and things I can do to demonstrate this improvement to her.
I am tired of jumping through these hoops when clearly, nothing I do or say will ever please her. And I am not even sure this is really about me anymore. She has had some mental health issues in the past, and I think she has some of her own issues about the family.
Realistically, in two years, she'll finish university, move out of Dad's house and I'll never see her again except at weddings. I am fine with this. I recognize, on an intellectual level, that she is just one of those people, that for whatever reason, she is not in a place to have a healthy relationship with me, and that I am probably better off without her drama in my life, and that I should probably not interpret this as any sort of value judgment on me as a person.
But yet, even understanding all of this, I am having trouble letting this go and find myself dwelling on it a lot. I have gotten over the idea that I must explain things to her so she will understand my point of view. When she has demanded I apologize for something, I have done so without defending myself in hopes that it will just end the drama and allow us a fresh start. It hasn't. It makes me sad that the little girl I remember playing with when she was a baby has grown up to be this bitter, angry person who hates me. It makes me sad that I will never be included in the family in the way I would have liked, especially not with her running the next generation of it. And yeah, it bothers me that she doesn't *like* me :)
There is nothing I can do to change her behaviour. But I want to take better care of myself and be able to have some closure on it, whether she ever chooses to 'forgive' me or not. I have been dwelling on this more than I should be, and I need to get over it. Suggestions?
I recently had a huge blow-up with my half-sister when she got upset with me over something which involved another family member, was resolved between me and that person within a day of it happening, and was none of her business anyway. It's finally driven home the point that she and I just are not ready for a mature relationship right now.
There is a long 'blended family child of divorce issues' saga I could get into, but the short version is that she believes (incorrectly) that my older sister and I have some sort of conspiracy against Dad, has never forgiven me for it, and has some drama queen tendencies which have come up before and for which I have little patience.
It's clear that my sister is not ready to have any sort of sensible, rational interaction with me. I have apologized sincerely for any past events which might have hurt her. She has not accepted these apologies, and will occasionally bring up these past events (some dating back as far as fifteen years) as 'evidence' that I am bad for the family. Sometimes, these messages are accompanied by lists of ways I might improve and things I can do to demonstrate this improvement to her.
I am tired of jumping through these hoops when clearly, nothing I do or say will ever please her. And I am not even sure this is really about me anymore. She has had some mental health issues in the past, and I think she has some of her own issues about the family.
Realistically, in two years, she'll finish university, move out of Dad's house and I'll never see her again except at weddings. I am fine with this. I recognize, on an intellectual level, that she is just one of those people, that for whatever reason, she is not in a place to have a healthy relationship with me, and that I am probably better off without her drama in my life, and that I should probably not interpret this as any sort of value judgment on me as a person.
But yet, even understanding all of this, I am having trouble letting this go and find myself dwelling on it a lot. I have gotten over the idea that I must explain things to her so she will understand my point of view. When she has demanded I apologize for something, I have done so without defending myself in hopes that it will just end the drama and allow us a fresh start. It hasn't. It makes me sad that the little girl I remember playing with when she was a baby has grown up to be this bitter, angry person who hates me. It makes me sad that I will never be included in the family in the way I would have liked, especially not with her running the next generation of it. And yeah, it bothers me that she doesn't *like* me :)
There is nothing I can do to change her behaviour. But I want to take better care of myself and be able to have some closure on it, whether she ever chooses to 'forgive' me or not. I have been dwelling on this more than I should be, and I need to get over it. Suggestions?
It sounds like you're grieving, which is normal. You're thinking about your sister -- half or whole, it doesn't make much difference. And you're wishing she could provide a kind of sisterhood she's incapable of (right now).
Try writing about it some more. Does that help? Write a letter to your sister, but don't send it. Knowing in advance that you won't send it will allow you to write out your feelings in detail, uncensored.
But that's dwelling, in a way. Trying to work through the grief instead of out of it. If you need distraction techniques, there are a bunch. Read, watch movies, exercise, spend time with close friends who are as good as family, spend time making new friends, etc.
But most importantly? Don't beat yourself up for feeling unhappy about this. It's completely normal.
posted by brina at 6:03 PM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Try writing about it some more. Does that help? Write a letter to your sister, but don't send it. Knowing in advance that you won't send it will allow you to write out your feelings in detail, uncensored.
But that's dwelling, in a way. Trying to work through the grief instead of out of it. If you need distraction techniques, there are a bunch. Read, watch movies, exercise, spend time with close friends who are as good as family, spend time making new friends, etc.
But most importantly? Don't beat yourself up for feeling unhappy about this. It's completely normal.
posted by brina at 6:03 PM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: What you write reminds me so very much of various incidents between my mother and I. The demands for apologies, the insertion of herself into my relationships with other people, the running list of demands for how I improve myself. None of which, by the way, reflect reality as I (or other members of my family) experience it. And I've recently, finally, accepted that it's just going to have to be okay that she and I don't have a relationship. Not the relationship I would want to have with a mother, not even really much of a relationship at all.
What has helped me be okay with all of this is talking to the other members of my family. I never thought I would have their support in separating myself from my mother, but every single member of my family has been supportive (in my case it helps that my mother has finally shown her crazy to everyone else, and not just limited it to me). You might not get this level of familial support, but finding it from even one or two other people, family or not, who understand how hurtful your interactions with your half-sister are to you, will be of immeasurable help.
The most valuable part of that, for me, was that I now truly know that my relationships with the rest of my family are not about my mother. She's always tried to make them seem that way, but they're not. My relationships are about me and the other person. They are Not About Her.
And thus, one thing you said really struck a chord with me: It makes me sad that I will never be included in the family in the way I would have liked, especially not with her running the next generation of it.
To that, I have to say, strongly, do not let her be the one to run the next generation. Or at least not the only one. You just don't have to. You can develop relationships with everyone in your family independent of your half-sister. You can organize family get-togethers, you can host parties, you can seek people out. You have an absolute right to be happy with the good parts of your family, to build relationships with those people, to keep your network intact. You can be generous and include her, or you can decide it's too painful or emotionally risky and not put her on the guest list. But it's not about her. It's about YOU. Claim that, and the sadness will begin to wash away.
posted by amelioration at 6:03 PM on July 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
What has helped me be okay with all of this is talking to the other members of my family. I never thought I would have their support in separating myself from my mother, but every single member of my family has been supportive (in my case it helps that my mother has finally shown her crazy to everyone else, and not just limited it to me). You might not get this level of familial support, but finding it from even one or two other people, family or not, who understand how hurtful your interactions with your half-sister are to you, will be of immeasurable help.
The most valuable part of that, for me, was that I now truly know that my relationships with the rest of my family are not about my mother. She's always tried to make them seem that way, but they're not. My relationships are about me and the other person. They are Not About Her.
And thus, one thing you said really struck a chord with me: It makes me sad that I will never be included in the family in the way I would have liked, especially not with her running the next generation of it.
To that, I have to say, strongly, do not let her be the one to run the next generation. Or at least not the only one. You just don't have to. You can develop relationships with everyone in your family independent of your half-sister. You can organize family get-togethers, you can host parties, you can seek people out. You have an absolute right to be happy with the good parts of your family, to build relationships with those people, to keep your network intact. You can be generous and include her, or you can decide it's too painful or emotionally risky and not put her on the guest list. But it's not about her. It's about YOU. Claim that, and the sadness will begin to wash away.
posted by amelioration at 6:03 PM on July 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
I hated my younger sister until I moved out of my parents' house when I was 18. I don't know what it was, but a relationship with her could not thrive in that environment. Not that I had a bad home life, it was actually great. We are best friends now and I love her with all my heart. Maybe this is just an age/maturity thing and hopefully it will resolve itself as you two get older.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:04 PM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 6:04 PM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
You're right--you have to take care of yourself, and sometimes that means extricating yourself from situations that are irreparably unpleasant and stressful. This sounds like one of those situations.
I also used to feel guilty and sad about not being close to a certain family member of my own. But then I realized that there are lots of assholes in this world and somebody has to be related to them. You didn't make her an asshole, and you don't have to put up with it any more than anyone else does just because she's part of your family. I imagine that if she were a friend instead of your half-sister, you would have cut her loose a long time ago.
Now might be a good time to immerse yourself in the relationships in your life that give you joy, whether they be with friends or relatives. I imagine that after spending lots of time with those individuals and experiencing what a healthy relationship can bring to your life, you'll feel less sadness about making the decision to end this negative one.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 6:13 PM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
I also used to feel guilty and sad about not being close to a certain family member of my own. But then I realized that there are lots of assholes in this world and somebody has to be related to them. You didn't make her an asshole, and you don't have to put up with it any more than anyone else does just because she's part of your family. I imagine that if she were a friend instead of your half-sister, you would have cut her loose a long time ago.
Now might be a good time to immerse yourself in the relationships in your life that give you joy, whether they be with friends or relatives. I imagine that after spending lots of time with those individuals and experiencing what a healthy relationship can bring to your life, you'll feel less sadness about making the decision to end this negative one.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 6:13 PM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
Well, it sounds like she's actually pretty young.
This. If she's a sophomore in college, then she's probably 19 or 20, which is still adolescence. At 19-20, You're establishing your indpendence but are still, in many ways, a kid. She certainly sounds like she's still behaving like a bratty teenager - holding grudges, making demands, etc.
Of course, this doesn't mean you have to just sit there and take it, but you may just have to wait a few more years for her to grow up.
posted by lunasol at 6:14 PM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
This. If she's a sophomore in college, then she's probably 19 or 20, which is still adolescence. At 19-20, You're establishing your indpendence but are still, in many ways, a kid. She certainly sounds like she's still behaving like a bratty teenager - holding grudges, making demands, etc.
Of course, this doesn't mean you have to just sit there and take it, but you may just have to wait a few more years for her to grow up.
posted by lunasol at 6:14 PM on July 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
It sounds like age might help with this.
But I also wonder if the apologizing without defense might be harming as much as helping?
I assume you started doing this because attempting to defend yourself was backfiring and a source of endless argument, but still, if you did nothing wrong, instead of implicitly affirming her accusations and pleading guilty to being someone she should hate, tell her that you acted correctly and that she has no way of knowing this (knowing only part of the picture), and that's all there is to it.
Don't engage further than that. Don't try to explain (she'll only be looking for points to argue), don't try to get her to accept or agree (she won't), or allow yourself to be drawn into argument, just be confident and satisfied that you acted properly, and as such, her information or interpretation of the situation is neither here nor there, and the affair is hence a non-issue between you two, any argument a non-starter.
And because it's a non-issue, be kind, not hostile, to her, no matter how hostile she is being. Let it be like water off a duck's back - don't be patronizing, just be uninterested in the game.
Over the long term, instead of strengthening her distortions of reality, you're providing a resistance to the fantasy. Hopefully, that may set a path for eventually letting bygones finally become bygones some years down the track after time in the Real World has done the heavy lifting of making her grow up as regards grudges, etc.
posted by -harlequin- at 7:07 PM on July 13, 2009
But I also wonder if the apologizing without defense might be harming as much as helping?
I assume you started doing this because attempting to defend yourself was backfiring and a source of endless argument, but still, if you did nothing wrong, instead of implicitly affirming her accusations and pleading guilty to being someone she should hate, tell her that you acted correctly and that she has no way of knowing this (knowing only part of the picture), and that's all there is to it.
Don't engage further than that. Don't try to explain (she'll only be looking for points to argue), don't try to get her to accept or agree (she won't), or allow yourself to be drawn into argument, just be confident and satisfied that you acted properly, and as such, her information or interpretation of the situation is neither here nor there, and the affair is hence a non-issue between you two, any argument a non-starter.
And because it's a non-issue, be kind, not hostile, to her, no matter how hostile she is being. Let it be like water off a duck's back - don't be patronizing, just be uninterested in the game.
Over the long term, instead of strengthening her distortions of reality, you're providing a resistance to the fantasy. Hopefully, that may set a path for eventually letting bygones finally become bygones some years down the track after time in the Real World has done the heavy lifting of making her grow up as regards grudges, etc.
posted by -harlequin- at 7:07 PM on July 13, 2009
Family is around for a long time, and you get to deal with them (and they with you) through many different phases. There might be stretches of years where you don't mesh, but then suddenly you do again. Wait it out.
posted by apostrophe at 7:26 PM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by apostrophe at 7:26 PM on July 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm in a very similar situation with my sister and it sucks. We've had a difficult relationship in the past but a lot of life changes in the past couple years for me (marriage, baby) have created all sorts of new high-level tension between us. Nothing I do or say is ever right and no matter what I do I end up upsetting or offending her. As I've established my own life, she has clearly felt abandoned by me though truthfully, I feel just as abandoned by her. For a long time, I just accepted that she was angry and did my best to stay neutral-to-positive in my interactions with her at family gatherings and such and thought that if I waited, she'd come around. Recent events have made it clear that that's not going to happen any time soon and I realized that there wasn't any point to subjecting myself and my family to her hostility and judgemental attitudes. So now, I've made it clear to both of my parents (and to her), that I don't want to be part of her life right now. They've been supportive of my decision as they've lately seen how difficult things are for me in dealing with her. But just the same, I'm definitely sad to be estranged even though I know it's for the best. I went to therapy for a while (before I severed ties) and talked it over and that did help a bit. Realizing that you've got your own life to lead is important but recognizing the loss are both big steps.I'm not sure I'm there yet but I'm working on it. Like your sister, I do believe that my sister has her own mental health issues to deal with and I'm continuing to hope that she'll address them but for now, I'm just living my own life. I hope you can find some peace in what, I know, is a super sucky situation.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:28 PM on July 13, 2009
posted by otherwordlyglow at 8:28 PM on July 13, 2009
JoannaC: Realistically, in two years, she'll finish university, move out of Dad's house and I'll never see her again except at weddings.
You do not have a crystal ball. You do not know this. It is just as likely that given some time, experience, and the unfortunate heartbreak of navigating her own complex adult relationships, her attitude towards her family members and her perception of her childhood may well change.
Keep in mind that there are plenty of MeFi posts along the lines of "I was an obnoxious young adult with some issues, but I'm 35 now and have matured accordingly, yet my mother / sister / uncle refuses to let me outgrown my past and have an adult relationship with me."
You really don't want to be the subject of that MeFi post 5 or 10 years from now.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:47 PM on July 13, 2009
You do not have a crystal ball. You do not know this. It is just as likely that given some time, experience, and the unfortunate heartbreak of navigating her own complex adult relationships, her attitude towards her family members and her perception of her childhood may well change.
Keep in mind that there are plenty of MeFi posts along the lines of "I was an obnoxious young adult with some issues, but I'm 35 now and have matured accordingly, yet my mother / sister / uncle refuses to let me outgrown my past and have an adult relationship with me."
You really don't want to be the subject of that MeFi post 5 or 10 years from now.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:47 PM on July 13, 2009
It makes me sad that I will never be included in the family in the way I would have liked, especially not with her running the next generation of it.
Why does she get to run the family? She's quite the controlling tyrant. Why are you giving her so much power?
It makes me sad that the little girl I remember playing with when she was a baby has grown up to be this bitter, angry person who hates me.
There's really nothing you can do to make her like you. She is responsible for her emotions and you are responsible for yours. Instead of trying to change her or woo her, simply accept that she's not willing to be part of your family right now.
Maybe she'll grow out of it or maybe not. In the meantime, decide that she doesn't get to control your emotions. Don't fight with her. Don't allow her to give you lists of things to improve or to demonstrate improvement. Don't give to control to someone who has that much anger.
posted by 26.2 at 11:15 PM on July 13, 2009
Why does she get to run the family? She's quite the controlling tyrant. Why are you giving her so much power?
It makes me sad that the little girl I remember playing with when she was a baby has grown up to be this bitter, angry person who hates me.
There's really nothing you can do to make her like you. She is responsible for her emotions and you are responsible for yours. Instead of trying to change her or woo her, simply accept that she's not willing to be part of your family right now.
Maybe she'll grow out of it or maybe not. In the meantime, decide that she doesn't get to control your emotions. Don't fight with her. Don't allow her to give you lists of things to improve or to demonstrate improvement. Don't give to control to someone who has that much anger.
posted by 26.2 at 11:15 PM on July 13, 2009
Response by poster: Thank you for your replies. I do hope she outgrows it at some point, and if she does make overtures, I will accept them. Where we last left it was, she told me maybe I should not come to Dad's for awhile, and I firmly said that this was crossing a line and she needed to talk it over with him before she un-invited me from HIS house. She was contrite about this, apologized for her behaviour and said she just wanted me to own up to my past mistakes so we could start fresh. So I said I did, that I was sincerely sorry for anything I had done to hurt her, and that I hoped we could move on. She became hostile again, said that my apology was not comprehensive enough and that she doubted its sincerity. At that point, I replied (this was all via email) with "I am sorry you feel that way. I have made as sincere and complete an apology as I can and feel that I have done everything possible to address these past issues with you. I will neither apologize for them nor discuss them with you again. If you would like to build an adult relationship with me which proceeds from this point onward, I would welcome that and I am here for you. The ball is in your court." I got no reply. I saw her this past weekend at a family function and she completely ignored me for the most part, spent most of the time whining to my stepmother that she wanted to leave, and gave me a grudging goodbye when I directly spoke to her and said goodbye :)
posted by JoannaC at 4:21 AM on July 14, 2009
posted by JoannaC at 4:21 AM on July 14, 2009
I can feel ya. I have two half brothers and one half sister and currently am not particularly speaking to any of them at the moment. There comes a time when you have to hang back to save yourself. Some people aren't wired to be reasonable. It's painful when you're related to them but that doesn't give them a pass to shit on you. Don't let her keep you from family functions but as far as she's concerned be cordial and hope like hell she grows up. Good luck.
posted by CwgrlUp at 2:48 PM on July 14, 2009
posted by CwgrlUp at 2:48 PM on July 14, 2009
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Well, it sounds like she's actually pretty young, and so that some of the issues that are driving a wedge between you may (may, not necessarily will) wind up working themselves out as she continues to grow up. (You don't say what the age difference is between you, but I'm surmising you're at least several years older.)
My own sister and I went through several years of not quite knowing how to speak the same language to each other (around the time I was in my mid-20s and she was in her late 20s/early 30s), even though we're only four years apart and there's no blended family issues with us -- it's just that we just were working out our own adult places in the world, and we both brought a certain amount of defensiveness/judgment to the table as we were doing it. Our relationship is solid now -- I even moved to L.A. nine years ago in large part to be near her and her family -- but it really took some time and mellowing out on both our parts to get to this point.
posted by scody at 5:57 PM on July 13, 2009