I acted like a bad sister

July 6, 2009 12:55 PM

I've hurt my older sister's feelings by being thoughtless and neglecting to include her in the mother's day plan my younger sister and I made for our mom. I am currently crafting an apology letter, but I really want to make it up to her and I'm not sure best how. I would love some ideas.

My younger sister and I are a little closer in age, and much closer in day-to-day communication than we are with our older sister. Our mother's birthday always falls around the same week of mother's day, so in an off-hand IM conversation, we decided to go in together on tickets for a concert with our mom. We didn't even think about pulling our older sister in, because we just weren't thinking.

On mother's day, I told my mom about the tickets we'd bought and our plans. My older sister must have asked if she could get in on the plan, but I don't actually remember this. Time went by, little sis, mom and I went to the concert and all was fine. A few days later I got a voicemail from big sis telling me that she was very hurt that I didn't include her. I completely understand. I fucked up, and I feel bad.

I am not great at apologizing, but I know that when someone hurts MY feelings, I want to hear an unqualified apology, without defensiveness, and I often only feel better when that person attempts to make it up to me somehow.

I think I have the apology part down, but I'm struggling with a way to try and do something nice to attempt to make my slight up to her without it seeming over the top. Have you ever been in a position like this? I also want to take her out to lunch for her birthday, but I feel like these things should not overlap.

I know I acted like a jerk, and I can't undo it, but I would like to do my best to unjerk myself. Need help!

posted by pazazygeek to human relations (15 comments total)

Honestly, I'd start with calling and apologizing by phone, rather than letter, if you can.
posted by canine epigram at 1:03 PM on July 6

This past Mother's Day? And you haven't finished crafting your apology note yet?

Pick up the phone, now. Apologize, tell her you fucked up, and then apologize again for hemming and hawing for nearly two months.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I know it's scary and painful to owe someone an apology.
posted by desuetude at 1:16 PM on July 6 [13 favorites]

Call her right now and profusely apologize. Include the words "I just wasn't thinking." Encourage your other sister to do the same.
posted by heather-b at 1:18 PM on July 6 [1 favorite]

I think that a sincere apology with an assurance that in the future you will include her is enough. I understand why your sister would feel slighted - I would, too - but her chief concern is probably that this kind of thing not happen again; making sure she knows it won't is the main objective here.

Her birthday lunch, for sure, should not overlap, because the two events are unrelated. She should be taken out for her birthday because you want to celebrate it with her, not because you feel bad for her or want to use it as a chance to redeem yourself, you know?
posted by DrGirlfriend at 1:19 PM on July 6

I don't think it's childish at all, theichibun. Adults can get their feelings hurt just like children or teenagers or Disney characters! Everybody can feel hurt and excluded at times. Comparing the situation to a Disney high school drama movie is completely invalidating the OP's sincere concern about having offended her sister.

I completely understand your older sister's hurt feelings and I also understand how you overlooked her/forgot about her and now you feel bad. I have been in your position, I once offended my little sister terribly, thoughtlessly, and felt so, so awful about it. I didn't really know what to do other than apologise effusively. She accepted my apology and I felt forgiven. I haven't forgotten the experience and will never do it again(the thing that offended her) - an important part of apologising.

I think that a very heartfelt apology (without defensiveness, as you say, and without explanations or excuses or justifications, just pure apology) by letter or in person (or on the phone) is enough. And of course not making the same mistake again.

Nothing beats a good apology!
posted by beccyjoe at 1:20 PM on July 6 [4 favorites]

Taking care of this sooner rather than later is, to me, the key thing here -- don't spend any more time worrying about getting it "just right" or crafting the perfectly worded letter; call and apologize by phone today. Just own up to your mistake without getting defensive, just as you've done here, and that you'll be more mindful of keeping her in the loop in the future.

I understand why her feelings are hurt and why you want to make it right, so I think the sooner and more directly this is dealt with, the sooner you can all move on.
posted by scody at 1:20 PM on July 6

I think the issue was not including the older sister in plans for their mother's birthday. So, it's unclear how much time has passed.

As to what you can do to rectify the situation, would it be possible for all the siblings and your mother to do an activity together? I'm not sure if that is an option due to space/time constraints, but you could at least offer.
posted by bluloo at 1:20 PM on July 6

Deal with the apology first. Discuss how you can make it good again with the one person who's most qualified to answer that.
Your sister is a safer bet than any of us.

Unless she resists them, hugs usually lubricate hurt feelings.
posted by Ingenting at 1:21 PM on July 6

desuetude, the concert wasn't on Mother's Day -- OP says they told their mom about their plans on Mom's Day, then indicates some time passed and they went to the concert. So it doesn't sound so much like two months of hemming and hawing -- more like maybe a few days? pazazygeek, can you clarify that?

Anyway, regardless -- a face-to-face apology is always the best option, but if that's not possible, do it over the phone, as soon as possible, and ASK HER how you can make it up to her.
posted by palomar at 1:23 PM on July 6

"I know I acted like a jerk, and I can't undo it, but I would like to do my best to unjerk myself."

Call her up and say this. The apology doesn't need to be--indeed, shouldn't be--an expression of your profound eloquence as a writer, it just needs to acknowledge your screw-up, her hurt feelings, and your sincere desire to set things right again.
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:26 PM on July 6

Maybe some other outing with your mom and both sisters, your treat? If you don't want to spend too much you could even just go out for dessert and coffee/cordials.
posted by KAS at 1:48 PM on July 6

Write a heartfelt note. Mail it. Right Now. Go out and get a nice flower basket or plant and deliver it to her. Wait a week or 2. Plan an outing with all 3 sisters & Mom. Frequently remind your biggest sister that you love and value her for the next 12 months.

Your omission was not heinous, and it's very nice that you want to make it up to her.
posted by theora55 at 2:11 PM on July 6 [3 favorites]

Yeah, at this point, the most important thing is that you make the apology. That, and make an effort, though not an over-the-top one, to keep your older sister included in stuff. I understand how you're better in touch with the younger sister, but if I were the older sister, in a addition to an apology, I would appreciate the effort to keep me in the loop about sisterly/family stuff I might enjoy, even if I don't participate as often.
posted by mercredi at 2:15 PM on July 6

[few comments removed - question is about how to make an apology not "what is wrong with me?" or "should I care about this?"]
posted by jessamyn at 2:49 PM on July 6

An apology is nice, but since your story suggests that you probably leave one sister out of regular plans with your other sister very regularly, for whatever reasons, and you need to start actively including her. This means not just making plans with younger sister and then remembering to invite in older sister: this means making plans with all three of you together, or with older sister then asking in younger sister. You don't need to invite your older sister every time you have your younger sister over, but really things involving parents or extended should involve (or have an invite for) all three of you. (I'm assuming you all live reasonably near each other.)

If I'm reading too much in, my apologies, but if neither of you thought of inviting your older sister, it says to me that you're used to planning and following through on events where she's uninvolved. This is probably part of why she's hurt -- a straw that broke the camel's back kind of thing.
posted by jeather at 4:42 PM on July 6 [1 favorite]