How can I make my gf's Mom approve of our relationship?

July 6, 2009 12:58 AM

My girlfriend's (P) Mom is stressing her out. P said her Mom disapproves of how much time we spend together (2-3 days or evenings per week) and thinks I am too old for P. P is 20, I am 24. I feel like her Mom is jealous of the time P wants to devote to me, and is being over-protective. How should I handle the situation?

We've only been dating two months. I've met her Mom once very briefly, and I'm positive I've never done anything to make her think badly of me.

I think P's Mom is guilt tripping her, and making her feel bad about dating me. I don't want this. What can I tell P? Should I press her to organize a dinner or something so her Mom can see I'm not so bad? Is it even about me?

Also, she comes from a traditional Latin family (ie: very close family, parents hold a lot of sway over children, children stay dependent longer.)

posted by gradient to Human Relations (18 answers total)

It's not about you. If you're not from this same family background, you probably don't know the expectations, so let P tell you what the expectations are. Don't press her; let her take the lead.
posted by salvia at 1:01 AM on July 6, 2009

Too old! Ha! Ahem. Don't 'try' to do anything. Make it clear you're happy to spend as much or as little time with her family as P wants.

P's mother's pressure may be an extra incentive for her to spend more time with you (I missed the memo where kids did what their parents said)!

Also, P might like telling you this, it makes her feel independent and adult. Don't misconstrue telling with a call to action, however.

Two months is like an eyeblink in relationship time. Once the family realises you're here to stay (if you are), you may be surprised by how much they warm up.
posted by smoke at 1:08 AM on July 6, 2009

Yeah, this isn't something for you to solve. I imagine your girlfriend is venting to you, in which case you just offer a sympathetic ear. If she brought it to you as something for you to solve, perhaps there is a stark maturity difference beyond your chrono ages. But maybe you just see her stressed, and want to help out. So like I said, just listen. And no matter what she says negatively about her family, don't you start tearing into them. That's kind of a common sense rule, though.

Even if the age difference doesn't seem like much, people of these ages (20 and 24) can be in different stages and places in their lives. If a young woman casts aside her girlfriends and interests to spend all her time with a new, older boyfriend, that can be concerning to her parents. It doesn't sound like you're quite at that point, but that could be where their anxiety is coming from. Finding that balance between forming a partnership while maintaining one's individual interests and drives is not something that always comes easily. The process can be stressful to watch for guardians/parents/loved ones.

Sorry for rambling a bit all over the place. I got a little enamored with my own "wisdom" there for a minute. The direct answer is, stay out of it and let her work it out.
posted by JenMarie at 1:33 AM on July 6, 2009

Unless your girlfriend is willing to stand up to her family and be an independent adult rather than a dependent child (and I don't blame her for not wanting to--20 is a tough age and you have to play both roles), there might not be much you can do. Don't give her family any reason to hate you, but don't bend over backwards to please them. You likely represent more than just "the boyfriend" to her family. In my own situation, I represented a whole host of issues from being the cause of the empty nest to being part of my now-husband's "fall from grace" in his church (and he was about your age at the time). Six years later, they still think I'm stealing their son, but at least he's stood up in my defense.
posted by theraflu at 4:24 AM on July 6, 2009 [2 favorites]

What about taking her and her family out to dinner sometime? Ask your girlfriend if this would go over well or not, and if she'd mind. It might be something you have to save up for, for a while, depending on how big her family actually is, but it might go a long way with them.

You say you've been dating for two months. Realize that an issue like this doesn't go away overnight or perhaps even for a very long time, considering the culture. Do you see your girlfriend as maturing and gaining more independence in the near future (say, a year or so, if you can think that far ahead when it comes to this relationship and her)?

When you see your girlfriend, do you pick her up from her family home? If so, take the time to say hello to mom and dad and whoever else may help you get into good graces. Your girlfriend, out of embarrassment, may be discouraging your seeing her family, but explain that you want to make a good impression on them, and help her mother not feel so upset about you taking her out, and so it'd be good for you to see them sometimes. Maybe that will help.
posted by metalheart at 4:42 AM on July 6, 2009

When you see your girlfriend, do you pick her up from her family home? If so, take the time to say hello to mom and dad and whoever else may help you get into good graces. Your girlfriend, out of embarrassment, may be discouraging your seeing her family, but explain that you want to make a good impression on them, and help her mother not feel so upset about you taking her out, and so it'd be good for you to see them sometimes. Maybe that will help.

When my husband and I went on our first date, I was 20 and he was 25. My mother, upon hearing the age difference between us, flipped out a little ("WHY DOES THIS OLDER MAN HAVE ANY SORT OF INTEREST IN MY DAUGHTER?!?!?!?"). When he came to pick me up, he talked to my folks for a little bit, introduced himself and all that, and my mom realized he was just a nice, harmless, respectable (and respectful) guy. After that, she thought he was great.

I think if she'd met him once "only briefly" after we'd been dating for two months, she would have been more like P's mom.
posted by Lucinda at 5:07 AM on July 6, 2009

Whether or not meeting the parents will go well will depend severely on the parents. My mom wasn't interested in meeting or getting to know my boyfriend for a pretty long time and only recently (after several years) started warming up to him. I trust her judgment and she has a natural tendency to be introverted, so I didn't really press her for a reason as to why until very recently, upon which she explained that she didn't want to be seen as taking a stance in the positive or in the negative towards him until she was sure he was here to stay by my choosing.

It doesn't really sound like that would be the cause witih P's mom, but it wouldn't hurt to offer several options to P and let her decide. She'll know her parents best.
posted by Phire at 5:40 AM on July 6, 2009

Deeeefinitely not too old. I'd say 'too old' would be on the high side of 26, maybe, but 24? No.
posted by kldickson at 6:01 AM on July 6, 2009

Let your girlfriend handle it. Just be good to both of them. I agree with the get-together/dinner. The most you can do is show the mother what a stable, kind gentleman you are and how much you care for her daughter.
posted by heather-b at 6:20 AM on July 6, 2009

Best answer: I'm inclined to think she might also like the drama of having a "forbidden" boyfriend. She's still quite young at 20, and possibly immature regarding relationships. At her age I also had a boyfriend my parents didn't like. They might have liked him just fine if I had had him spend time with my family, but I picked up on some initial dislike and used that as an excuse to keep him away from them to "protect" him--which made my family dislike him all the more (they blamed him for pulling me away from them). It was to the point that after we'd dated for almost five years, my sister said she would stand up and object at the wedding if we decided to get married.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I really enjoyed the drama of that kind of relationship--it made it feel more important, somehow. Very Romeo and Juliet--if everyone objects, it must be meant to be!

So how to make your girlfriend's mom approve of you? You need to make more of an effort to spend time with her family. Go to the door when you pick her up every single time and say hello to them. Ask her about her family and see if there are things you can chat about--her dad's favorite team, her mom's handmade quilts, whatever. If they see how you treat her and get to know you, they probably will get over the age difference, and hopefully won't have any other objections.

Pay close attention to your girlfriend's reaction when you suggest this--if she keeps coming up with reasons for you not to attend family functions or spend time with her family, she is not trying very hard to get her parents' approval of your relationship. And if she's not trying very hard, there's really nothing you can do.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:45 AM on July 6, 2009

We've only been dating two months. I've met her Mom once very briefly

You jumped the gun in meeting the mom so soon. In the future you should delay any meetings with parents as long as possible, and then delay some more.

she comes from a traditional Latin family

This is part of your problem.

P is 20.

This is another part. She's young. Yeah, yeah, in some cultures 20 is long in the tooth, should be off to college in another state, and the parents take a hands off approach. But given that this is a Latino family you're dealing with...

But all of this is just repeating what we already know.

What can you do?

I don't think you can do much - you've only been dating this young woman a short while. It's not like you're in any position to start telling her what she should do about her family.

I suppose you could try and engage her mother more, invite her out for dinner with you so she can see first hand that you're not child-rapist she thinks you are. But that's a lot of work and may have only marginal success.

It really comes down to how much you like this girl, and how much effort you want to put into calming down her over protective mother.
posted by wfrgms at 7:04 AM on July 6, 2009

Definitely stay out of it.

Mr. WanKenobi is 6 years my senior, and we met online. My sometimes stereotypical Jewish mom initially hated him, mostly for those reasons, and didn't try to hide it. He acted amicably, but didn't otherwise get involved, which was the right thing to do. Eventually, I had to stand up to her and say something; now they get along swimmingly. If and when she's willing to take a stand for you, it will probably go a long way towards patching things up, but don't rush it or pressure her.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:49 AM on July 6, 2009

Visit the mom by yourself and using flattery and charm, win her over. Bring a gift. Take genuine interest in her and what she says.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:54 AM on July 6, 2009

Best answer: Tradition Latin Family, eh?

You could keep yourself out of it, or maybe just stay open-minded about it. I come from a Latin background so sometimes its tough to navigate around the traditional aspects. Latin women, especially mothers, are notoriously for being strong-willed head of households. Not trying to generalize too much but 20 is pretty young to be branching away from the family in Latin culture, so maybe she is getting a little possessive.

My mother was one of 4 daughters from a Latin family who all married American men. At first my grandmother was a little crazy about it (she is HARDCORE Catholic, almost fascist no joke) but now she simply loves American men. We are one of the few cultures that allow women to be independent to the extent that we do, especially in the younger generations (another generalization that I personally feel is accurate).

Here's some things you could do:

1. Stay out of religious conversations if you are not of the same ideology.

2. If you are invited for dinner or lunch, go. Don't listen to other mefier's telling you stay completely out of their business. This is an excellent opportunity to show you are open-minded. There's nothing a traditional latin woman loves more than feeding people. You could definitely win her over this way.

3. Address her respectfully, maybe throw a "gracias señora" in there.

4. Where is the family from? Learn a little about the country. I consider myself really good with capitals and random geo-political stuff. When I dated a girl from Ecuador and when I met here parents they were surprised when I asked them if they were from Quito. I think they didn't expect much from a hokey-american kid.

5. In the same vein as the last question, get someone other than your girlfriend on your side in the family. Again, where are they from? They may be into soccer (futbol) and have a team they follow, if you have a similar interest in something like this than it will be something you an have in common with the father. If you can get someone in the family on your side they will wear the mother down. Does she have any sisters? Ask her to help you pick something out for all of them.

6. Act like an adult, they need to innately feel that their daughter is safe when in your presence. This 20 year old girl is still their baby, whether you like it or not. If there is a curfew, you better not dare break it. Be aware and respectful of cultural differences and do not try and change them yourself, not gonna happen.

I'd like to say good luck as well. Latin woman are some of the best you can find out there. Some people (in this thread) say that a traditional family is a problem. I think this is a poor view in my opinion. Woman from traditional homes make some of the best mothers and wives in the world. They can keep the family together and will work hard to make life better for everyone. I'm sure she will carry some traits over from the madre. I am jealous, I would love a latin wife.

I know I threw a lot of generalizations out there, but this is from experience living in a latin-meets-american family as well as my travels abroad. I hope I didn't offend any other cultures by singling out Latin woman as being so great!
posted by OuttaHere at 10:24 AM on July 6, 2009 [1 favorite]

Best thing I ever did to get into the good graces of a girlfriend's sprawling Italian family was done purely by accident. At a big family gathering, I was horribly lost as to who was whose brother, cousin, etc. So when I found myself with the grandmother, I asked her to sort it all out for me. "I met Maria already. So she's Sara's sister? Oh, and he's their father, which makes that guy their uncle and so and so cousins? Oh, okay."

I can't claim credit - I was just really confused - but it turned out to be an absolutely brilliant move. She decided I was okay (He cares about family!) and after that a lot of formerly prickly people became a lot more welcoming. So my idea, see if you can get P to take you to a family picnic or something and home in on everyone's beloved, gray-haired matriarch.

(and FWIW, the age difference was a lot bigger than the one you're facing)
posted by Naberius at 1:29 PM on July 6, 2009

Half your age plus seven = 19. Ergo, 20 means she's above the "hard deck". You're both age appropriate.

And OuttaHere has a lot of good advice, but I would stay away from #3. That's coming from the family side of it. Just be you, and don't patronize. You'll do great.
posted by indiebass at 2:43 PM on July 6, 2009

Best answer: As a Latina girl who has been dating a guy that my parents would never have approved of for two years, I have some tips for you. Make an effort to greet the mom when you get there and to say goodbye when you leave. Really do. Be as polite as you can be.
If her mom is saying that you're seeing each other too much, it might mean that she's not having as much family time as she did before, and is, like you said, jealous of the time your gf devotes to you. Her daughter might not be telling her what she's doing and when. If she had more time to get to know you, she probably wouldn't be so distrustful.
I would disagree with Ironmouth on visiting the mother by yourself. In a Latino, Mexican-based culture, going to visit the mom on your own is not very well seen. Do get her a gift (plants of any sort do well) and give it to her when you go visit your girlfriend. Dinner is good, especially if they're hosting and you compliment the food.
There is a stereotype of the older boyfriend who corrupts young girls. You are really not that older, but to the mom you fit it well. If she sees that you're a good kid and that her daughter has a good time with you, she'll feel better about it.
posted by cobain_angel at 7:36 PM on July 6, 2009

Response by poster: Great answers everyone, thank you!
posted by gradient at 2:10 AM on July 7, 2009